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Silver. Second place. Some say that it’s worse than bronze. After so many losses, Dongmin couldn’t agree more – so close, but not enough.
He felt terrible, a failure, like everything he did to get there was useless. He tried to cheer himself up, of course. “Come on, this is good. Among all people, you got second place. This is good. Be grateful. Try harder next time.” But these motivational talks didn’t work and deep down he knew that everything was bullshit.
He had tried his best, he tried just as hard as anyone else there. Maybe even harder than all of them, but that was just an assumption. The problem is that it was figure skating, so none of that mattered. If they didn’t want you to win, then you won’t win. It didn’t matter if you did all that was expected and more – most of the time, the winner was decided even before the competition started. Dongmin was good. Fuck, everyone that watched him knew that. He could be the first person to land a Quint Axel, and it wouldn’t do a damn thing.
They didn’t like him – the federation, the judges, a large bit of the sports’ fans. Dongmin just didn’t live up to the image that they wanted to represent the country. Sure, he was partly to blame for that – who hasn’t screwed up as a teenager? – but other things were simply unfair, things that he couldn’t change. His family, his social status. These were a reminder for him to never forget that he couldn’t dream with the gold.
Everything was shitty. There were days where just thinking about the sport that he loved brought him a pain so strong that he could barely endure. Despite knowing the results even before stepping into the ice, he still had the feeling that he’d never get used to the failure. And the worst of it was knowing that, like all the other times, the person to get gold was his ex-boyfriend.
An ex-boyfriend that he hated.
Donghyun – the little angel, the good boy, the prodigy, the star. They were opposites. Dongmin hated him from the bottom of his heart. And, like always, he had to smile, hug him and say that he was happy about Donghyun’s victory, as if he didn’t feel like rubbing his face on the ice. He hated this routine, even more that Donghyun was part of it.
Anguish is what he felt, utter anguish. Losing left him anguished, watching Donghyun smiling with the gold that he wanted so badly left him more anguished. Donghyun, with that fake smile, and fake tears, and fake compliments that he gave to those who ranked below him… Everything left him anguished.
Alright, maybe not everything was fake. Maybe their terrible break-up is making him think in such a distorted way – “Okay, but was he really like this?”, he asked in the few seconds of clarity, before throwing everything into the air and saying: “Yes, he was always like this, always this fake, and annoying and boring and [...]” – but Dongmin really couldn’t even breathe the same air as Donghyun. Not after what he did.
Even though the relationship was already on the rocks for quite some time – or ever since the start –, the real mess began when Donghyun switched teams per his father’s request, and consequently moving to another city, which resulted in the end of their three, four, five years relationship? Dongmin didn’t even know when that whole mess had started. They kissed once because Donghyun was scared that his first kiss would be with someone that lacked experience. What could an innocent kiss change in a years-long friendship? It could change a lot. And for the worst.
It doesn’t matter. What matters is that Donghyun promised him that as soon as he could go back to the team and city, they would make-up. But that didn’t happen, quite the opposite – Donghyun was with someone else a few months later. A person that Dongmin hated, that he was so jealous of seeing him and Donghyun in the same room that he could die.
He felt betrayed, used, belittled, and so many other emotions that led to a dyed-red hair, ten hours of daily practice and a boyfriend that he wasn’t even sure if he liked.
Maybe not reconciling that relationship was for the best, all his friends agreed that they shouldn’t even breathe the same air after the hell that was that relationship – if it’s right to call it as such, since Donghyun never actually allowed Dongmin to say that they were dating, fights and more fights happening whenever Dongmin demanded to be public. Well, it doesn’t matter now.
The point is that they weren’t good for each other, not at all. Dongmin was too grumpy, jealous, possessive and almost aggressive. Donghyun was controlling, snooty, manipulative and he refused to call what they had something more than a hookup. And that’s why Dongmin got angered upon seeing that, just a few months later, Donghyun officially went public with his relationship with that boy, as if Dongmin didn’t spend years begging for that.
But that was just the tip of the years that they spent together. It’s alright, they went through good things together, and they had fun and loved each other. After all, before all this mess began, they were best friends. They’ve grown together and have known each other better than anyone else. That relationship really had ended everything. And that’s what hurt the most at the end of the day.
Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore, but that doesn’t mean Dongmin doesn’t feel a little, perhaps a lot, of resentment.
Now, he was coming back to his stupid hotel to spend his stupid night looking at his stupid medal while thinking about his stupid career and his stupid rival and ex-boyfriend. He didn’t even feel like celebrating. There was nothing to be celebrated. He’d probably sour the party’s mood, so it was best to stay in the hotel, deciding if that was going to be his last season or if he should humiliate himself for a little longer.
He took a long shower and wore the clothes that he set aside in case of a loss – an old and comfy sweatshirt and regular pants –, coming across the clothes that he’d wear if he had won, laughing that he had even thought about that happening. He even retouched his red hair, but the truth is that Dongmin was lucky to be on the podium. He just missed out on the bronze medal because the other contenders had too many mistakes and it’d be ridiculous if they put him below those that barely had a clean program, and even then, the score difference was low. He never had a chance, and he was foolish for thinking otherwise.
After throwing his pity party in the room, Dongmin walked up the stairs of the building so he could pity himself on the rooftop, which, by luck – or ignorance of the staff – was open. At least there he could smoke, and that would relieve at least ten percent of the stress he was feeling. To relieve it totally, he’d have to throw himself from up there, or throw Donghyun. As much as he wanted to, he decided that he didn’t want to do such because of a sport that nobody gave that much care about, all things considered. He didn’t want to care about it.
An hour went by, Dongmin was almost at peace. Not much, but almost. Obviously he hasn’t recovered from all that mayhem that was the Olympics, but at least he was alone with his thoughts and the night breeze. It was enough for now. But he was never the luckiest in the room, and of course that peace wouldn’t last for long.
He heard the door opening behind him, assuming that it was one of the hotel staff telling him that that area was off-limits and that he had to come out.
“I know, I know. I’m not supposed to be here, but in my defense, the door was unlocked,” he said, trying to hide his frustration while putting out the cigarette, getting ready to leave. That was until he turned back and noticed that he wasn’t talking to a staff member.
Donghyun. Instead of a staff member, he ran into Donghyun, standing almost motionless near the door, ready to bolt out. Dongmin wished that it was a staff member.
“What are you doing here?” Dongmin spat, annoyed. The last thing he wanted now was to see Donghyun’s face.
“Look, it wasn’t in my plans to run into you here, alright? I was just… I wanted some time alone.” The last part came out in a voice so low that Dongmin almost didn’t hear.
Time alone? Dongmin wanted to laugh. Donghyun had just won what Dongmin always wanted and now he needed some time alone? He probably had no idea how Dongmin would kill to be in his place, celebrating, jumping, drinking until he fell out and rubbing his medal in everyone’s face. Those words only got Dongmin more irritated, the stress from before slowly coming back to his body.
“Time alone?” Dongmin scoffed, snappy. “Why can’t you just enjoy your victory like any other person would do?”
“I don’t know. Something just seems… wrong. I don’t know.” Donghyun avoided eye-contact, still holding onto the door. He looked… sad. Dongmin felt pity, then he felt angry at himself for feeling pity.
He shouldn’t feel pity for Donghyun among all people. Donghyun was a bad person. He did terrible things to him and his presence left him nauseous; but he still felt pity. The ownerless dog expression on Donghyun’s face was doing things to him. A little compassion wouldn’t do any harm, right?
“You don’t think you deserved it?” he asked, trying to sound disinterested. He should be disinterested. Fuck, he really didn’t want to hear Donghyun talking, but for some reason, he didn’t want to see him sad either.
“You think it was?” Donghyun asked, looking at him with those big doe-eyes – like he was about to cry. Dongmin had no idea how to feel.
He was confused, that was for sure. He couldn’t understand why Donghyun was talking to him, almost as if looking for any sort of validation. It made no sense. They weren’t in talking terms, and when they did talk to each other it was… uncomfortable, to say the least. And Dongmin felt angry every time, and by the look in Donghyun’s face whenever he pulled away, Dongmin was almost sure that he felt the same. So, why? Why was Donghyun talking to him like that, with that tone? They were no longer friends, they weren’t even colleagues.
“Does it matter what I think? You won and that’s it. Now all that’s left is to be thankful and celebrate.” Like I wish I was doing, he thought about adding, just to make Donghyun feel worse. Something held him back from doing it.
“I… I don’t know.” He looked down again. “I think so. I think it matters.”
Dongmin was sure that Donghyun was going to cry at that moment. Fuck, he didn’t want him to cry. A moment ago he was wishing that Donghyun had a terrible night, and now he was here, anxious at the idea of Donghyun crying in front of him.
He didn’t know what to do. Should he reassure him? Or leave him alone and go back to his room? In one of the scenarios that he came up with to help him sleep, he would’ve screamed at Donghyun and thrown everything in his face, making him cry for real. But, with Donghyun on the brink of tears in front of him, he could only feel the need to comfort him until that smug smile showed up in his face again.
“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t cry,” Dongmin said, doing his best for the voice to come out annoyed rather than worried. “Look, I think you deserved to win, okay? You were good and gave your best, it wasn’t unfair. Can you stop looking at me like that now?”
Donghyun seemed to try his hardest to not cry. It was weird to see him like that after so long. Vulnerable. Dongmin used to frequently have that sight when they were dating, but this was a side of Donghyun that not many were able to see. On the cameras, he was always optimistic, smiling and cocky. Years ago, he would know exactly what to do and not do, but now, he only felt lost. A part of him missed being close to Donghyun – he would be able to help him properly.
Dongmin pushed those thoughts out of his head. He missed being close to Donghyun? He wanted to help him properly? He must be out of his mind. He hated Donghyun, for almost two years he’s been hating him with everything inside him. He wouldn’t forget that now. At the same time, seeing him like this was… bad.
“Sorry. I’ll leave you alone, okay? Forget that all these happened. Your day must be worse than mine.” He wiped away the tears that escaped his eyes and turned back to walk down.
Dongmin should be happy, that was what he wanted after all. He didn’t even want Donghyun to show up to begin with. But when Donghyun turned back and started to walk down the stairs, Dongmin felt that something was… wrong. As if he didn’t want to leave Donghyun like that, alone and sad – like he was also feeling. Maybe he still felt some fondness towards him. Just maybe.
He wanted Donghyun far from him, as far as possible – but for some reason, watching him leave wasn’t as good as Dongmin pictured.
“Donghyun, wait,” he called, going to the door. “You’re sad and I’m sad, we could… be sad together, don’t you think?”
The words came out of his lips before he could completely understand what he was doing. All he knew was that he did something stupid, but the way Donghyun looked at him after the invitation made Dongmin feel like it was the right thing to be done.
“Are you sure?” Donghyun asked, eyes still watery, hopeful.
“I don’t know, but why not? It’ll be like the old times, right? Except for those moments when… You know,” Dongmin replied. “Do you think you can stay next to me for more than two minutes without rolling your eyes?”
“Can you?”
“I’ll try,” he joked. Donghyun smiled. Dongmin had no idea how to feel about that. Annoyed, relieved – it was a mixture that he had already got used to.
When he walked up the stairs, Dongmin tried to keep a nice distance between them. He didn’t want to be that close to Donghyun for uncountable reasons. Comfort, anxiety, and the fact that his boyfriend hated Donghyun. There was that thing too. If his boyfriend knew about this, he’d probably go crazy – but he didn’t know and he didn’t have to, right? After all, they were only talking.
He sat in the same place he was before, Donghyun sat not too far but not too close. Dongmin offered him a cigarette, and Donghyun took it. A little surprising, since Donghyun used to hate when Dongmin smoked. He must be very stressed. Dongmin wanted to ask why, but he didn’t.
They were silent for a few minutes. Sometimes, Dongmin even forgot that Donghyun was right next to him, looking stuck in his own head like Dongmin. He took a sneak glance to the side, and Donghyun barely noticed, smoking his cigarette while the blonde strands got messy thanks to the cold night breeze.
“So…” After a few more minutes of silence, Donghyun broke it, turning towards Dongmin. He probably got tired of thinking about god knows what. Understandable, since Dongmin couldn’t stand his own thoughts anymore. “You’ve started smoking again?”
“Started?” Dongmin chuckled. “For that, I would’ve had to stop.”
“Old habits die hard, right?” Donghyun threw his head back, looking at the sky. Dongmin wished he knew what he was thinking about.
“Yeah, I think so,” Dongmin said. He wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. Maybe because he hasn’t seen Donghyun like this for quite some time, and it was… weird. To see Donghyun like a human after so much time was weird. “How about you? You started smoking?”
“Actually, no. I only do it when I’m too stressed or when I’m at some party.”
Curiosity started to leave Dongmin restless again. Why? He wanted to ask. Why are you here smoking and feeling stressed when you should’ve been celebrating your victory? But it was none of his business. He hasn’t called Donghyun back to have a chat, it was just to rest. Nonetheless, he wanted to know. If Dongmin was the one with that golden medal, he would probably be passed out drunk after celebrating too hard.
It was none of his business, it really wasn’t. But he wanted to know.
“Sorry, I know this is not my business and that we barely know each other anymore, and I have no idea what’s happening in your life but I want to know why. Why are you so upset? Damn, you won the Olympics, Donghyun. What could be so bad that it’s bothering you this much?”
“I don’t know, Dongmin. Something just seems wrong, okay? That’s all. I’m not in the mood. I think I’m still processing everything, you know,” he replied, looking uncomfortable. Dongmin gave up on trying to understand him.
“Okay, not asking anymore,” he said, finally looking away.
The silence came back, but it was uncomfortable now. Dongmin felt restless again, and he didn’t want to sneak a glance to see if Donghyun was feeling the same. They smoked in silence again, Dongmin hesitating in asking more questions. Maybe it was best for them to just stay in silence. After all, there wasn’t much to talk about. Donghyun didn’t want to answer the only thing that Dongmin wanted to know, and it’s not like they could talk about anything like they were close friends. He was right when he said that they didn’t know each other anymore. They stopped knowing almost two years ago, when Donghyun moved out.
They had nothing to talk about, so the silence persisted. Dongmin caught himself thinking that, years ago when they were still close, they used to talk about everything that happened after the tournaments, from goofy costume designs to how they felt during their program. All of that is gone, and all that’s left is the silence. Things really changed between them.
As it seems, Dongmin wasn’t the only one bothered by that. After almost ten minutes in that awkward silence, Donghyun broke it again as he turned back to Dongmin.
“Your boyfriend isn’t going to be mad that you’re here with me?” He asked. “Like, he doesn’t seem to like me all that much.”
“Is yours not going to be the same? I don’t know if you remember, but he hates me from day one,” and vice-versa, he wanted to add but noticed that it wasn’t necessary.
“I think we’re gonna break-up if he thinks this is happening,” he laughed, but he looked a little scared at the possibility.
It was a justified fear. Dongmin had a long history of hatred towards Anton, Donghyun’s current boyfriend, since the time they were together. The reason was always jealousy. Anton was always in Donghyun’s tail, and Dongmin remembers the anger he felt just from seeing the man standing next to Donghyun. One time, they even got into an ugly fight after Dongmin had enough of Anton standing close to Donghyun at all times. It was worthless in the end because Donghyun ended up with Anton. Dongmin felt pathetic just from remembering it.
Anton didn’t like Dongmin, and Dongmin didn’t like Anton. If Anton thought that Donghyun was alone with Dongmin now, he’d probably die. Dongmin felt like telling him, but he felt merciful towards Donghyun.
“Mine would probably have the same reaction, but we’re just talking. Actually, we’re not even talking per se. We’re smoking, and it’s fine, right?” asked Dongmin, but it felt more like he was trying to convince himself of it rather than a question.
Dongmin’s boyfriend didn’t like Donghyun all that much, be it because of jealousy – “Dongmin, you liked him more, don’t you? You don’t look as serious with me as you were with him” – or because he felt pity for Dongmin after he told him half of the things that he went through in the relationship. So he’d probably go nuts if he knew that they were together now.
“Yeah. There’s nothing wrong, we don’t have to be afraid. We’re just unwinding after a hard day, right?”
Hard day? Dongmin got outraged by the words. He had won the Olympics and had a hard day? Dongmin’s day was the one that was hard, he failed in fulfilling his biggest dream. It might seem selfish to think like that, he had no idea what had happened to Donghyun. But he couldn’t control it, not the way his face changed drastically and how he turned away from Donghyun again.
“What happened?” Donghyun asked, sounding worried. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No, it’s nothing,” he lied, taking a drag from his cigarette.
“C’mon, if I said something you have to tell me,” Donghyun pressed. His voice was starting to bother Dongmin, and he decided to ignore him. “You’re really going to ignore me? I thought you said that you could stay by my side without getting annoyed or something like that.”
Dongmin was getting really annoyed by now, the regret of inviting Donghyun to join him was growing. It’s obvious that this wouldn’t work. He didn’t even know why he had thought it would. He felt stressed again, wanting so badly to be alone.
“Dongmin, stop acting like a child. We’re not fifteen anymore. Answer me,” Donghyun kept insisting in that irritating tone that Dongmin knew far too well.
As much as he wanted to hold it back, he couldn’t anymore. Donghyun had this power, he was the only one that managed to annoy Dongmin like that. Unfortunately, Dongmin had forgotten that since they were able to stand close for a few minutes. What a foolish mistake.
“Hard day? Are you being for real? You had a hard day?” He threw an angry look at Donghyun, letting everything come out. “You won that shit, you had millions of people cheering for you, you were perfect the whole time and I’m sure you have a bunch of people in your tail congratulating you, and you had a hard day? Fuck you, Donghyun. You’re so ungrateful.”
As if he had been slapped on the face, Donghyun reacted dramatically to it.
“I’m ungrateful?” Donghyun looked at him, baffled. “You’re the ungrateful one! You knew you weren’t going to win. It’s not my problem that you decided to set your expectations high. Look, I’m sorry, I know that it must be hard for you, but I have the right to feel bad too. I’m not the one to be blamed for your failure!”
The words hurt Dongmin, truly. He had almost forgotten how cruel Donghyun could be when he wanted to, that his words had hurt him deeply so many times back then. Sure, he was no saint, but Donghyun showed a completely different and unpredictable side of him when they fought. He always knew how to hurt him when he wanted to.
It has always been like this with Donghyun. They couldn’t stay alone for too long without fighting. All those years in their relationship were like this. After a year and a half, he hoped that things would’ve changed, but it seems unlikely.
“You’re still a spoiled pain in the ass. Your suffering is always more important than that of others. I don’t even know why I asked you to join me. I should’ve let you suffer on your own,” Dongmin continued, words coming out of his mouth without him having control over them.
“It wouldn’t be any news if you did it!” Donghyun said, or shouted would be more fitting. His patience slowly came to an end.
“Are you serious? Give me a break, Donghyun. I’ve always been there with you, always. I never left you alone, never!”
“Really? That was only when you weren’t the reason behind it, which happened like… Three times a week, whatever.” Donghyun raised up, and it seemed that the only thing preventing him from leaving was to keep arguing with Dongmin.
“Ah, c’mon, you gonna start talking about things that happened years ago? Forget it, Donghyun.” Dongmin blinked, astonished but not that much.
It’s obvious that that would happen, that one of them would start bringing back the past. Too many things were still hanging on their throats, and both were just waiting for the opportunity to show up. Dongmin never thought that it would be like that now.
“You should forget me, Dongmin. You’re the one that keeps looking at me whenever we go against each other! I can feel your eyes boring holes in my back.” Donghyun looked deep into his eyes while he spoke.
Dongmin was unable to defend himself quickly like he was doing before. Fuck, he did looked. Unconsciously, but he still did it. It was automatic for him, something that he got used to doing since he was little.
He didn’t know what Donghyun had to render him like that.
“That’s why your little boyfriend hates me, isn’t it?” Donghyun continued, without measuring his words.
“You’re still as cocky as always, thinking that the world revolves around you.” Dongmin got up too, wanting to be face to face with Donghyun while arguing. “What if I’m looking, huh? You always looked back, you were always looking too.”
Donghyun opened his mouth and closed, looking for words to bite back – but he couldn’t find it because he knew it was true. Dongmin always looked at Donghyun, and Donghyun was always looking back too. How many times has an argument sparked up with his boyfriend because of that? He lost count by now, always using the same excuse that he didn’t notice what he was doing, which wasn’t so far from the truth either.
The problem is that there seems to be a tension in the air whenever they’re in the same room, all the unresolved topics disturbing them whenever they’re slightly close. That’s why this is happening.
“Who do you think you are to talk shit about me? To point fingers at me? You’re rude, Dongmin. Always have been and always will be. I can’t believe that– That–” He stopped halfway, as if holding back from talking more. Dongmin wished he would talk, once and for all.
“That what?” Dongmin asked, almost shouting. “Tell me. This is the perfect moment. Go on, you can speak. Let it out, Donghyun–”
“Shut up! Fuck! I can’t believe that I was sad because of you. That I skipped my night and my victory because of you!”
Dongmin went silent. Donghyun looked at him with eyes full of regret, regret from speaking too much.
The air around them seemed to change completely, and the silence between them was almost deafening. Donghyun looked like he was waiting for an answer, but Dongmin was still processing what he had just spoken.
Because of him? What the hell Dongmin has done that made Donghyun feel this bad after the Olympics, to the point that he felt forbidden from celebrating? It’s been a year and a few months that they haven’t been in talking terms. What could’ve led to that? He couldn’t understand. He wished he could, but it didn’t make sense.
“Forget it, I’m leaving.” Donghyun got tired of waiting. His voice was disappointed, no sight of the annoyance from before. He walked to the rooftop door again.
“Donghyun, wait–” Dongmin followed him, preventing him from going. “Explain this to me. What do you mean, because of me?”
“It doesn’t matter, Dongmin. I’m leaving.” He turned back again, but Dongmin didn’t let him open the door, holding him by the wrist. Donghyun looked at him with dissatisfaction. “Can you let go?”
“Answer me first.” Donghyun squeezed his wrist harder. Donghyun looked at him with something in his eyes, a thing that he already knew but couldn’t identify it exactly. “Because of me?”
“Dongmin, let go.” He looked from his wrist to Dongmin, who didn’t let go and didn’t stop squeezing it. Donghyun swallowed drily, looking away. It was almost like – no. It can’t be. “Okay, I’ll tell you. Now let me go.”
Dongmin obeyed, but he stood in front of the door just to be sure that Donghyun wouldn’t find a way to flee. He was confident that he wouldn’t try such, but he’d rather not take a chance.
“It’s ridiculous, but–” Donghyun took a deep breath before continuing, avoiding looking at Dongmin, as if doing it would kill him. “You know, we used to be best friends. You cheered for me, and I cheered for you. It was weird to not have you by my side. I always thought that I’d be with you in those moments. It looked like… like something was missing,” he stopped, mouth opening and closing, gathering courage to continue. “I missed you, Dongmin. That’s all.”
Dongmin didn’t answer. The weight of those words had more effect on him than he expected to. The truth is that he was expecting anything but that.
He expected Donghyun to say that it was because he reacted poorly to his victory – which was true, even if he tried to hide the disappointed, frustrated and slightly angry look in his face throughout the medal ceremony –, or because he was frustrated that he didn’t have any real competition, since he already knew he was going to win. But he didn’t expect that. He never thought that Donghyun still thought about him that way, a good way.
Dongmin remained silent. The silence between them was still deafening. Donghyun wanted an answer, that was clear, but he simply had nothing to say. It didn’t make sense.
“Can I go now?” Donghyun asked quietly, bothered. He didn’t move, as if still waiting for Dongmin to say something. But he didn’t, and the awkward atmosphere persisted until Donghyun decided he had enough of it. “Get out of the way.”
His body complied automatically, although his mind was somewhere else. Donghyun started walking down the stairs, more like he was running away from him. Meanwhile, Dongmin remained thinking about his words. Missed him? Why would Donghyun miss him? He was the one that ended things in the first place, and now he’s saying that he missed him?
He started to feel irritated again. This was so typical of Donghyun – do shit and then blame him for it. He was the one that showed up with another and disappeared from his life, and now he was crying because he doesn’t have him anymore in his life? It was ridiculous, pathetic, and he couldn’t even believe that Donghyun opened his mouth to say such a thing. He couldn’t believe that he felt bad for him when he said that.
He looked at the stairs and noticed that Donghyun was probably far away. He tried to calm himself, saying that things were over now and there was nothing else to be done, but he felt restless.
Donghyun couldn’t come out of this as the good and him as the bad one again. If he let that happen, it would just prove to him that he was still as stupid as when they used to be dating. Donghyun probably wouldn’t comment about this with anyone, but if he did so, Dongmin would come out as the wrong one. But he wasn’t wrong. Donghyun was in the wrong for leaving him and pretending to be the victim.
He rushed down the stairs, trying to find Donghyun in the hallways. He needed to talk about what was in his mind, feeling like he was going to explode if he pretended that nothing had happened.
Luckily, he found Donghyun not that far, walking slowly and with his head down. He was talking to himself, raising a hand to open the door of his room. Idiot, Dongmin thought. Always playing the victim, even when he was the culprit.
“Donghyun, wait,” he said, and Donghyun turned. Looking at him in surprise, even a little happy. After all, he was waiting for an answer. “How can you say something like this without feeling ashamed? Really? You miss me? You were the one that cheated on me!”
He poured out the words, and if Donghyun looked forward to an answer before, he looked confused now. The disappointment made itself visible in his face.
“What?” he said, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, looking at Dongmin as if he was out of his mind. Dongmin knew that look far too well.
“You heard me.” Dongmin walked closer. “How can you say that? That you missed me? You were the one that showed up with Anton while I was waiting for you like an idiot!”
Donghyun stared at him intently, almost as if reprimanding him for something that Dongmin had no idea about. His eyes spoke everything, Donghyun didn’t open his mouth to rebuke what was said. His intention was to paint Dongmin as crazy? If that’s so, it was working.
“What?” Dongmin asked, feeling embarrassed with the lack of answer.
“Dongmin, you were the one who started dating first.”
What? He thought, mimicking Donghyun’s look. He was trying to make him look crazy? That’s what it looked like. Dongmin remembered clearly the day that he saw that video with them together, laughing like everything was wonderful. He remembered because it had hurt deeply, to the point of leaving him on the brink of a mental breakdown for a week. So, no, Dongmin was not insane. Donghyun definitely had started dating first.
“I was the one who started dating first? I started hooking up with Harua weeks after you showed up with your little boyfriend!” he answered, confused. It was like all of this was part of a big joke that he was not getting. And the way Donghyun was looking at him didn’t help much.
“No?” Donghyun answered in an arrogant tone. As if he knew more than Dongmin, as if Dongmin had made it all up. “I gave Anton a chance after I realized that you weren’t going to wait for me.”
Was this some manipulation tactic? If so, it was working. Dongmin was beginning to doubt his truth, like things weren’t as clear in his memory, like everything happened a week ago. And the way Donghyun was talking only made things worse.
“Donghyun, I remember perfectly well everything that happened. You’re not going to manipulate me this time around. Cut it out,” he huffed, trying to keep a hard stance about what happened. Inevitably, Donghyun was making him doubt what had happened in the past.
“Manipulate you?” The sadness and confusion in Donghyun shifted into anger by the way he clenched his fists and held back from shouting. “Can you spend two minutes without accusing me of things that I haven’t done? I’m just telling the truth!”
“Really? Then tell me what happened,” he said, just to make sure. He knew that Donghyun would stumble through words and lose himself in his own lie. That’s what he was hoping for.
“Alright,” he took a deep breath before starting. It was obvious that he was trying to control his anger, because it looked like he was about to go for Dongmin’s throat and choke him right there in the hallway. As irritated as he was, seeing Donghyun like that had Dongmin wanting to smile. It was confusing, but he was used to it.
“It went like this, I was following our agreement of not hooking up with anyone until I got back to the team, and you posted a photo with your… little boyfriend,” he held back from rolling his eyes. As if thinking about him or the situation left him angry, then he continued, “Then I decided to move on, because you obviously didn’t want to wait for me anymore.”
Dongmin couldn’t believe what he had heard – a version of the story completely different from the one that he knew like the back of his hand. He was sure that Donghyun was trying to manipulate him, changing the story to come out as the good and humiliated angel, as he always did. It has always been like this when they fought, and Dongmin was an idiot for falling for that. But not anymore. Now, he grew up and was immune to Donghyun’s lies. He wouldn’t let that happen again.
“You’re lying! That’s not how it went. I remember very well! You–”
“Dongmin, stay quiet,” he interrupted. Dongmin has stressed him enough. Dongmin didn’t listen and opened his mouth again, but he was silenced once again by Donghyun’s hands covering it. “I mean it, stay quiet. There’s people coming up. Do you want everyone to hear us?”
Dongmin stopped and paid attention, which made him able to hear the steps that were coming closer. As much as he didn’t care about his image anymore, he knew that if this conversation fell on the wrong ears, it could lead to a problem – not for him, but for Donghyun. He smiled at the thought of Donghyun, desperate at the prospect of their conversation getting leaked. But that meant that his boyfriend would know about it and Dongmin wasn’t in the mood for that type of headache.
Donghyun kept his hand on Dongmin’s mouth, listening carefully. He got himself in a situation that he has been way too much in the past. It reminded him of when they used to exchange kisses between practice, hidden in the locker room and hoping that no one would open the door. The thought made his stomach churn. Everything was so similar that he swore that Donghyun was going to kiss him as soon as he took the hand out of his mouth. Fuck, that’s gross, he thought, shaking the image out of his head.
“You’d better go,” Donghyun said quietly, taking his hand away. He looked to the sides frantically, the fear of being seen with his ex-boyfriend taking over. Insufferable, Dongmin thought.
The wise choice would be leaving, leaving everything behind, smoking some more and trying to forget the argument – but Dongmin was far from wanting that. He hasn’t told his version of the story, and he knew Donghyun well enough, he’d avoid any type of conversation between them after this. This couldn’t happen, no way.
“No,” he said. The baffled look on Donghyun's face got him wanting to laugh, but it also left him irritated. “I didn’t finish.”
Donghyun let out a scoff, but looked at him with a smile. Almost as if he was… having fun. It didn’t last long, since a grimace took over his face again as soon as he noticed it. Dongmin was going crazy, or–
“You’re unbelievable, Dongmin. I mean it,” he said, quiet enough for Dongmin to be the only one to hear it. Still scared that someone else could hear it. “Can’t you just leave it behind? I already told you what happened, and that’s how it went!”
“Really? But it wasn’t! It wasn’t. I remember it very well, and that’s not how it went!” he spoke, or shouted to be more exact, remembering the reason why he got angry in the first place.
“Dongmin, stop that. Do you want everyone to listen to–”
“Oh, shut up! You can speak and I can’t? You twisted the whole thing, and I can’t defend myself? You’re ridiculous, completely ridiculous–”
Dongmin was taken by surprise when Donghyun opened the door and pulled him inside with a swiftness that left him dizzy. He probably did that because he saw someone getting a little too close from where they were.
Donghyun worried too much about his image and the way he was seen by the public that he’d rather have his ex-boyfriend into his room rather than letting people see them talking. Nothing would happen, obviously, but it was still funny. It was all laughable, but annoying at the same time. Dongmin wondered if that was also a problem in his current relationship, but he saw Donghyun parade around with his boyfriend like he was the best thing that ever happened in his life. The thought was sour, things were different with him. It’s okay. It’s all in the past.
“As soon as they leave, you get the hell out, got it?” Donghyun said, resting against the door while trying to make out the steps on the hallway. Dongmin laughed, throwing his head back. “What?”
“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” he said, sitting on the bed. He knew that Donghyun would scold him for doing it.
“Dongmin, get out of my bed,” he said shortly, crossing his arms like he was scolding a child. Like Dongmin was inferior to him.
“First, you twist the whole story and now you make a big deal because you don’t want to be seen with me? Almost two years and you’re still the same. That’s impressive,” he said, looking at Donghyun while he walked to him, anger plastered all over his face.
“Are you saying again that I twisted the story? Things happened exactly like I told you, Dongmin.” Donghyun looked down at him while Dongmin stayed on the bed. The position was familiar, the argument was familiar, everything looked familiar. Like nothing has changed.
“You twisted it,” he insisted. “Do you want me to say what happened? Or are you scared that people will hear it?”
“Go on. I know what happened,” he said with certainty, confident of his version.
Dongmin knew that there was nothing in this world that Donghyun hated more than being contradicted. He wanted to see his face when he discovered that he was wrong so badly. This would probably make him forget the shitty day he had. Things really were the same. Fighting with Donghyun still looked the same, a perfect distraction for anything else that was happening.
“Okay, I’ll tell you,” he started, even straightening up to look more serious. “I was, like an idiot, waiting for you to come back so I could handle your daily screams in my ear, which, for some sick reason, I really enjoyed. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I vividly remember the day they posted that video of you both laughing and talking like I was some joke.”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about!” Donghyun came back with the same tactic from before, treating Dongmin like he was out of his mind.
“But I do! You were in the skating rink on Skate Canada, you were leaning on the borders with him in front of you, you were both flirting…” The memories came back to his head, and he felt like puking just from thinking about how he felt when he saw that. “Fuck, I can search the video for you right now!”
Donghyun went silent, seemingly searching in his mind for when that happened. Dongmin even considered if this was also a part of his acting, because there was no way that he didn’t remember that. If he didn’t, that meant that their relationship meant absolutely nothing to him.
Suddenly, he remembered, letting out a prolonged ah after the realization. Then, he made a weird face that Dongmin couldn’t identify… confusion, anger, a little amusement; like everything was pathetic. And that made Dongmin frustrated, because he thought that Donghyun was making fun of his feelings.
Dongmin was about to shout a “What?” right on his face when Donghyun opened his mouth and said, “Dongmin, I wasn’t dating him back then. Fuck, we weren’t even hooking up!”
Dongmin looked at him with confusion plastered on his face. They weren’t dating? Bullshit. They definitely had something going on back then. From the way they were talking in the video – that he remembered every single second –, if they didn’t have something, they were very close to becoming something.
“I remember, Donghyun,” he said firmly, getting up and looking deeply into his eyes.
His intention was to intimidate Donghyun, and it seemed to have worked from the way he looked away and walked two steps backwards, the same bothered look in his face that he saw back when he squeezed his wrist.
“I was not dating him, Dongmin,” he said, still not looking at him. “At that time I was still madly in love with you. You screwed up everything.”
Obviously, Donghyun was lying. He had to be. It didn’t make sense. And if he wasn’t lying, that meant that Dongmin was the one that made a mistake. That he was the one that threw away their chances of being together now, that Donghyun was right in the end. He hated to be wrong, and hated even more to think that he was the one to be blamed for their break-up.
Actually, it made sense. After all, he had been extremely jealous when it came to Kim Donghyun, to the point that he could barely think clearly when he thought that his place next to him could be threatened by someone else. But he couldn’t accept it. His head started to spin with that possibility, and just the thought alone left him sick. It shouldn’t matter anymore because he has a boyfriend and he’s happy. At the same time, the thought that maybe they could still be together, that things didn’t have to end that badly, that all was just a burst of jealousy on his part…
“You really weren't dating him?” he asked in a calm tone, very different from the one he was using before. He just wanted to be sure, hopefully waiting that the answer would be no.
“I felt like puking just from thinking about kissing someone else back then, Dongmin. Of course I wasn’t dating him.”
His head started spinning at that moment, and no matter how much he had the right to doubt Donghyun, something told him that he wasn’t lying. Especially since he was never entirely sure of what had happened, and Donghyun didn’t look like he was lying. He knew when the other was doing so, or trying to manipulate him, and his body language at that moment wasn’t one of a liar. And, even if it was, he was feeling too bad to think things through. Someday, Donghyun was all he ever wanted, and now he knew that Donghyun got away because of him.
Excusing himself was impossible now. His biggest desire in that moment was to run away and pretend that nothing happened – since he wouldn’t ask for forgiveness. He’d rather die than admit that he was wrong to Donghyun. So, he chose silence. One that didn’t last for long.
“But you know what?” Donghyun said, and Dongmin knew that nothing good was about to come. “I’m happy that you showed up with him, because taking you out of my life was the best thing I ever did!”
Right. Here he comes again. Not even giving Dongmin some time to recover, Donghyun strikes him again. And it hurts. He even thought that he deserved it.
“Really?” He answered, too weak to engage in another argument. All he wanted was to leave, but Donghyun didn’t look like he wanted the same.
To say that his patience has reached its limit would be a lie, because that had happened hours ago. Now, Dongmin just wanted to leave. He felt humiliated, that’s why he didn’t want to stay anymore. But he knew that Donghyun wanted to fight, he wanted to keep going with the screaming, to pour out a little more of what he’s been keeping to himself. Donghyun wouldn’t be satisfied with only shouting in Dongmin’s face while he doesn’t shout back. He wanted some more screaming, curses and aggressiveness. He wouldn’t let Dongmin get away until he gave him that.
Donghyun was filling him up with an unsettling desire to leave, but to also stay. His thoughts were confusing him, leaving him more insane than he already was. This was the famous Donghyun effect. The reason why they stayed together for so long – living without him was easier, but living with him was fun in a masochist way.
It was almost funny. Dongmin didn’t want to fight anymore, but leaving was also not a pleasant option. His life was boring, and throwing such an opportunity like this one was like committing a sin. He was feeling something. He was living something. And it’s been a while since he has felt so many emotions at the same time.
His boyfriend was nice, and he liked him – or at least he thought so –, but things with him were lukewarm. No sentimental arguments, quite the opposite, they only fought because of Dongmin’s emotional absence. And he always put the blame for that on Donghyun. In the sport, it was always the same, that suffocating anguish. It wasn’t fun, it was frustrating. But with Donghyun, he could feel something real.
A thought went through his head, quick but inevitable. Something that he knew that would happen from the way things were going.
He wanted him back, he wanted Donghyun back. He wanted the craziness, the instability, the feeling that he’d go insane at any minute. He wanted that. It was wrong, but he wanted it. He didn’t have to want to, but he did. The confusion between leaving and staying worsened.
He looked at Donghyun, waiting anxiously for an answer. He knew him well enough to know that the silence was killing him inside. He wanted it to kill him, but only for a while. He looked beautiful like this, and Dongmin needed to stop paying attention to that. He needed to go, but he needed to stay too. Without knowing what to do, he remained seated, staring at Donghyun in silence.
“Are you going to answer me or what?” Donghyun asked. Yeah, he really wanted to fight. Dongmin was sure of it, but he didn’t answer. He wished he could, but he didn’t.
If he answered, he wouldn’t want to leave that room anymore. Even if Donghyun didn’t want him, he’d still be in Dongmin’s head for months ahead. And if he wanted him, it’d be worse. Dongmin wanted to know if Donghyun wanted him, but he wouldn’t stay to know. He needed to go, because he knew that the answer would make him fall into the hole that he fought to leave, a hole that he wanted to dip back in again.
“I’m going.” Dongmin rose from the bed, avoiding looking at Donghyun for too long while walking to the door. He heard a confused what behind him, but he didn’t look back.
“You won’t say anything?” Donghyun asked, irritated and upset at the same time. Why did he want him to stay this bad? It only made things more difficult.
He didn’t want to stop and consider that Donghyun might be thinking and wanting the same as him, but he did it anyway. The way he was insisting for him to stay, to answer, to fight, it was all too weird. Too similar to how it was in the past to be only a coincidence. Maybe it was all in his head, maybe it was his ego speaking louder, maybe he was just projecting. Or maybe he was right. He needed to know, but he was afraid of what he’d do with the answer. For the first time in his life, he needed to put his feelings aside and think.
“I won’t. I need to go. That’s all for today,” he said, regretting that last part. Not for today, that was all forever. It had to end today or never.
“Ah, c’mon. You used to be funnier. You’ll really leave like this?” Donghyun protested, unsatisfied. Donghyun has always been spoiled, it was only expected that he wouldn’t let him go that easily.
Reason over emotion. Reason over emotion. He had to put that into his head and leave. But he wanted confirmation, he wanted to know why Donghyun wanted him to stay so badly. He wanted to know if there was a terribly loud voice in Donghyun’s head with contradictory thoughts like his. He wanted to know the reason behind all this.
No. He was going to leave. Nothing here should matter anymore, so he was going to leave. He wouldn’t answer, he would just come out of there and go to his own room. He had plans to sleep and wake up to perform the gala that was unfortunately mandatory.
His hands reached the doorknob when he heard Donghyun’s voice behind him again. This time weaker, nervous, “Dongmin, don’t go. Please. I need this, I mean it. Stay, just for a little longer. I need…”
You. He didn’t say, but they both knew that was the unsaid part. And Dongmin knew exactly what he meant with that. It was the same situation. Donghyun also wanted to make it last longer, he wanted Dongmin to stay, he wanted to feel something too. This was the worst way to do such, but it was the only one they knew.
What Dongmin wanted was an affirmation, and he had it now, but it was all like he predicted. He didn’t want to leave anymore now that he had it. He knew that he was being lured by Donghyun’s presence, but he needed to resist, he didn’t want to make his life worse because of that.
At the same time, Donghyun needed him. This wasn’t Dongmin’s responsibility, not anymore, but he didn’t want to leave him alone. His subconscious was screaming at him insistently to go away, but he has never been able to put his reason over his feelings.
In that moment, he hated Donghyun and he has never been more sure of that. Sometimes, in situations like these, Dongmin considered that Donghyun was made specially for him. He couldn’t see anyone else when he was nearby, couldn’t think about anyone else when he was with him. His presence took the air around him completely, leaving him dizzy and lost, unable to think clearly because his mind is filled with everything about him – all in the worst shape possible. He had a boyfriend, and he couldn’t even think about his existence because Donghyun was asking him to stay.
“I really wanted to get rid of you, you know?” He turned back to him. It was laughable how he has completely lost his composure, and he hasn’t even looked at Donghyun yet. But when he looked, oh, it was way worse.
“But you won’t.” Donghyun got closer. Still not touching him, even if he yearned for that. “So, stay. Just for tonight.”
“You have a boyfriend, Donghyun,” he reminded, even if deep down he wanted the other to forget it. Dongmin didn’t want to remember, but it wasn’t easy to forget either. Especially when Donghyun looked so beautiful and fragile, just for him and no one else.
“I wasn’t talking like that…” Donghyun backed away, as if the mention of his boyfriend made him change his mind. His voice sounded so whiny, and everything in him exuded internal conflict. Guilt was plastered on his face, it almost made Dongmin feel guilty for wanting this too.
Actually, he was feeling guilty. But all his other feelings were screaming louder, so the guilt got completely washed out compared to his desire to stay in that room. That same guilt will probably rise to the surface tomorrow, when his head is no longer affected by Donghyun’s presence. Right now, he was convicted of his immorality.
“Why do you want me to stay then?” Dongmin cornered him with the question. There was nowhere for him to run after that. It was time to see if he’d prioritize his desire or let it be consumed by remorse.
Donghyun didn’t answer, despite his mouth opening and closing a million times. From this distance, Dongmin could almost hear the thoughts in his head. Maybe it was just his own thoughts and conflicts speaking louder with each passing second.
“Tell me what you want and I’ll stay, Donghyun,” he said. His last attempt. If he didn’t answer, Dongmin would go and it’d end like that. He’d just move on with his life and that’s it.
“I don’t like you,” Donghyun answered, almost on the brink of tears. It was true, but it was a lie at the same time. “I want you, Dongmin.”
It wouldn’t end like that and he wouldn’t move on with his life. Quite the opposite was about to happen, and that would fuck up the remaining mental health that Dongmin still had. Despite that, being with Donghyun seemed so right in a way that only the two of them could understand. When he finally moved forward and kissed his lips, everything seemed to be in place while being completely shattered.
It was happening in slow motion – both getting closer and pressing their bodies in a suffocating manner, Dongmin’s hands roaming down to Donghyun’s waist, his urgency in returning the touch, curling his hands around his neck, yearning for a closeness that was impossible. That was longing, messing with their heads, because the real thing has been completely different. Instead of something calm and collected, it had been the opposite, in a way that made it clear how desperate they were for each other’s touch.
The moment their lips touched, Dongmin melted in emotions that matched perfectly with Donghyun’s presence. It awakened a desire so deep, one that was showing up after almost two years hidden inside him. As emotional as they were a few minutes ago, the energy was completely different now. It looked like they were still angry at each other by the reckless way they were acting.
They were clinging to one another like they were about to be interrupted, lips clashing without a care that they would’ve to hide the bruises after – there was no lipstick in the world that would help them from the way things were going.
Donghyun’s hands ran through Dongmin’s body, overwhelmed by the possibility of all the places he could finally touch. While Dongmin kept a tight hold in his waist, he knew that it was bruising and it would leave marks. He knew he had to be careful, but he couldn’t care enough to really do it. Donghyun would have to deal with it later. After all, this was his idea.
They acted like they had no control over their instincts, barely leaving space for breathing between kisses before pressing close again. It was like a dream, one that they waited quietly and intensely for it to happen. The situation wasn’t the best one, but they were still satisfied.
They felt energetic, like every touch and closeness wasn’t enough. When they pulled away to catch their breaths, they looked at each other, out of breath. Donghyun’s pupils were blown wide, eyes bright with a flame of desire. So beautiful, so needy, so his. Dongmin was angry that he no longer was the only one to have such a sight.
“You’re holding me so tight,” Donghyun breathed out. “I missed you so much.”
He didn’t let Dongmin answer, pulling him again for another kiss as soon as the words were out. He didn’t need to answer. Donghyun knew far too well that the feeling was mutual.
The same pace from before was brought back, and it didn’t take long for things to go south, clothes seemingly too tight for their bodies. Everything seemed to be escalating too quickly and too slow at the same time – they just started kissing, but it seemed like they were taking too long to take off their clothes. They stumbled to take it all off as fast as possible, doing more harm than good.
“Donghyun, I want you so much,” Dongmin said while pulling his shirt up. He felt like there wasn’t enough air in his lungs, his whole body infected by the blonde. “I want you so bad that I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Donghyun made a quick job of taking Dongmin’s shirt too. There were only the pants left, and soon that was out of the way too.
“I missed you so, so, so much,” he said like he had lost control of his words. Donghyun would never say something like that if he wasn’t controlled by the euphoria of being with Dongmin – his pride would never allow him to do such.
“You’re not going away, right? You’re going to stay here with me, right?” Dongmin asked, while Donghyun fumbled with the belt. It felt suffocating in the state he was. “I want you to stay with me. I don’t want to go,” he blabbered. Things that he’d never speak normally. Donghyun nodded, agreeing with whatever he spoke.
In seconds, or in hours to them, both pants were on the floor, kicked to the corner of the room along with their shirts. They were in their underwear, rubbing against each other while kissing.
Dongmin trailed kisses down Donghyun’s neck, who was holding his shoulders tightly. “Dongmin, no marks,” he said with a shaky voice.
No problems, Dongmin thought. He was used to this – they were public figures, and he knew how Donghyun was when it came to his image. But that was until he remembered that the reason for no marks weren’t the same from before. Donghyun hadn’t warned him just because of his image, but because he had someone that could never know that this night was taking place. He felt bitter, and powerless upon knowing that there was nothing he could do about that. He also had someone that could never know about this.
He kept kissing and sucking lightly the tender skin of Donghyun’s neck, using his smell and gasped moans to distract him from the fact that Donghyun was no longer his and probably would never be.
They didn’t last in that position for too long, they were in a hurry to do anything else. Dongmin felt his cock throbbing with need, and he was conflicted between wanting to rush things or make it last until the sun rose. He wanted to be inside Donghyun as soon as possible, but he could also spend hours just kissing him – he knew he wouldn’t have the opportunity to do so. This shouldn’t even be happening, so it probably wouldn’t happen in the future again.
If it was going to happen or not, it was a thought for later. He just wanted to savor Donghyun as long as he had him. Donghyun seemed to be thinking about the aftermath too, seemingly as anxious as him, as impatient as him – and as needy as him.
“Dongmin,” he called, breaking the kiss. His hand traveled down to the bulge, pressing and rubbing it. “You’re so hard, Dongminie. I want to help you, I want to make you feel good.”
The nickname, the bright and glassy eyes… Donghyun looked clouded by lust. Dongmin could only pay attention to how red, bruised and inviting those lips were. He felt proud upon knowing that he was the one that left those lips like that. Donghyun’s lips, he thought over and over. Donghyun wanted to help, and Dongmin knew exactly how he could do that.
“Get on your knees for me,” he commanded. Donghyun blinked two times, and it didn’t take long for him to figure out what was going to happen.
Donghyun fell on his knees as soon as he heard those words, a painful expression taking his face at the impact of the fall. His knees would get bruised the next day, and Dongmin would pay to see him make up an excuse for that.
He didn’t complain about the pain – he didn’t even seem to be paying attention to that. He just ignored it and curled his fingers on the waistband of Dongmin’s underwear, slightly pushing it down. His cock sprang free, hard like it’d never been in his whole life, precum leaking from the head. Donghyun smiled blissfully, licking his lips, like there was no other place in the world he’d rather be.
Donghyun held it and felt the weight of it in his hand, leaving pecks on the length before taking it to his mouth slowly, pooling as much saliva as he could before doing it. He started sucking and licking at the head, not taking too long to shove it inside his mouth easily – it wasn’t like he had never done that before, they were very used to this position. Dongmin let out a long moan at the feeling of Donghyun’s warm mouth engulfing him, a hand stroking his hair while Donghyun went to work.
Donghyun sucked him nimbleness, keeping a consistent pace that was leaving Dongmin out of his mind. Donghyun has always been skilled with his mouth, and although Dongmin knew that, he still couldn’t get used to the pleasure he felt whenever the blonde bobbed his head, letting out loud and unrestrained moans. The grip on his hair got tighter whenever he felt his cock hit the back of Donghyun’s throat.
Not for a second he took his eyes off Dongmin, maintaining constant eye-contact with him. Dongmin was reaching his limit and they barely had started. But he couldn’t hold back, and the thought of cumming in Donghyun’s mouth was making him get even closer.
The rest of control he still had slipped, and he got in the way of Donghyun’s pace by holding his hair harder. With that, he exchanged the control to him, knowing that he wouldn’t last for long in the warm comfort of Donghyun’s mouth.
He started fucking Donghyun’s mouth in an erratic rhythm, without giving him time to get used to the new arrangement. Donghyun choked, pooled tears dripping from the corner of his eyes while his hands found solace in Dongmin’s thighs. Dongmin was too busy seeking his own pleasure to notice it.
“Fuck, you’re so good at it,” he said between groans full of pleasure. “You’re made for this, Donghyun.”
Under him, Donghyun moaned while he tried to keep up with the quick thrusts inside his mouth. The vibration made Dongmin become more deranged, and soon he came with a harsh grip on the blond strands.
Donghyun made an effort to swallow all of it even while breathless, letting some escape from the corner of his mouth – which he brought back inside with his tongue. He didn’t want to waste a single drop. Dongmin had just come, but he felt his dick twitch at the sight.
He was still recovering from his orgasm when something caught his attention, something that made him smile in disbelief. Donghyun, still knelt on the floor, with his underwear spoiled – he had also come. Dongmin didn’t touch him, not even gave him an ounce of attention, and Donghyun still came, completely untouched.
“What?” Donghyun asked, confused. His voice was hoarse because of the recently used throat. Dongmin didn’t answer, just kept looking at the spot with a wicked smile on his face. “Ah,” Donghyun let out when he noticed what had happened.
His face got redder and he closed his legs, ashamed. Dongmin couldn’t mask his amusement, reminding that one of his favorite things back then was to see Donghyun pathetic like this.
“Ah, ah, fuck–” He turned his head to the side, shy. Dongmin laughed, finding him adorable like this. “If you open your mouth, I’m going to kill you.”
“You’re pathetic, Donghyunie,” he mocked, taking advantage of their position. “You missed my cock this much?”
Dongmin was liking this so much. And he knew that although Donghyun was hiding because of the humiliation, he was also liking the situation he was in. In everyday life, or the arguments they had, Donghyun liked to come out as a controlled person, hating to be looked down in any way, always wanting to be above everything and all. But in bed with Dongmin, he lost all that facade that he tried to keep up with, becoming someone desperate to please, to be used.
“You like this, don’t you? To be used like this?” He continued with the teasing. Donghyun still couldn’t answer. “Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you.” Dongmin pulled him by the hair, forcing him to look at him.
Donghyun had no other choice but to comply, Dongmin’s aggressiveness turned him on. If it didn’t, he’d have thrown him out of the room long ago, he wouldn’t be here with a hard-on threatening to show up inside his underwear. He swallowed drily, zeroing his eyes on Dongmin, hesitant to do anything else.
“You like me this much, Donghyunie?” He kept the grip that burnt Donghyun’s scalp – he’d probably be furious once the arousal went down and his head got clear. “You missed being used like this? I’m sure that your boyfriend doesn’t treat you like this, like you want to be treated.”
Dongmin had no right to bring Donghyun’s current boyfriend to this mess, and if Donghyun decided to get annoyed right there and tell him to shut the fuck up, he’d be right – but he didn’t do it. The opposite happened. He nodded his head frantically, completely out of it, not even thinking about what was being said to him.
This sight of Donghyun was a privilege. He felt almost feral at knowing that he was the one that was leaving him like that. Just him, and no one else. He needed to make this last, to see more of Donghyun like this. He knew that he could handle another round, and Donghyun could too.
He let go of Donghyun’s hair and helped him get on his feet. His legs were shaky, and he had to hold onto Dongmin to not fall, arms curling around his neck. Dongmin kept him straight by holding his waist, pulling him to another kiss.
When he noticed that Donghyun wasn’t going to lose his balance and fall, he moved his hands down to his underwear, finally freeing his covered dick, earning a relieved moan between the kisses. They were both hard again, excited for more of what they were experiencing.
The kisses lasted quicker compared to the last one. They had other things in their minds, both impatient for that to happen soon. They needed something more real, more deep, more intimate. More than what they were doing now.
They walked, tripping over their feet until they got to the bed. Donghyun laid there, resting his head in one of the pillows. Dongmin got on top of him, taking advantage of the position to leave wet kisses on Donghyun’s chest.
“I have lube in my bag. It’s in the corner of the room,” Donghyun breathed out, holding Dongmin’s length in his hands and making him look up at him. “Please, Dongminie,” he added in a whiny voice, overpouring with desire, looking at him with needy eyes. As if Dongmin wasn’t going to give it to him anyway. “I need you inside me.”
“I’ll give you everything you want,” he said, pressing a quick kiss on his lips before getting up and walking to the bag.
He opened the bag hastily and started to rummage through in search of the lube. It was well hidden, but he didn’t take long to find it. He knew all the tricks and hiding spots Donghyun had, and that didn’t seem to have changed. Actually, one thing did change – he remembered. Donghyun hid things so no one that rummaged through his bag would find it, he was the only one that would be able to do it. But that person wasn’t Dongmin anymore, and Donghyun hasn’t hid it thinking about him. He put that lube in the bag thinking of someone else. In his head, he was going to enjoy his night and victory with someone else.
To be jealous of someone that wasn’t yours was strange, and he shouldn’t be feeling like this, but he also didn’t have any control over his emotions. The only thing in his head was that Donghyun was his, and that he should be celebrating with him and no one else. A wave of possessiveness came over his body and shuffled his senses. His desire was to fuck Donghyun until he remembered who he belongs and has always belonged to.
He came back to the bed, trying to hide his anger. Donghyun smiled when he got in the same position that he was before, not aware that something meaningless like fetching a lube had made Dongmin stressed beyond salvation.
He attacked Donghyun’s lips, claiming it with aggressiveness, biting and making sure that it would be very bruised. Donghyun seemed surprised by the sudden move, but didn’t push him away, letting Dongmin do as he wished.
Then, he moved down to his uncovered neck, completely forgetting his request of not leaving any mark. Dongmin did the opposite, leaving traces of his presence with intent. This time, Donghyun protested, trying to push his face away from his neck.
“Dongmin, what are you doing?” he asked in confusion, trying to get away. “I told you to not leave marks. He– He’ll see it.”
The mere mention of Donghyun’s boyfriend made Dongmin feel the utter need to mark him harder. He couldn’t hold back now, nor control the possessiveness that bloomed inside him.
“I want him to see it,” he said, moving down to his chest. “I want him to know that I was here. I want him to know that you’re mine.”
The words affected Donghyun, to the point that he couldn’t come up with an answer. “I– Dongmin–” Were the only things that he was able to speak.
“Tell me, Donghyun. Tell me that you’re mine and I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said, not making any sense. Donghyun wasn’t his, it didn’t matter what he said because he’d still be someone else’s at the end of the day. But even so, he wanted to hear Donghyun saying that he belonged to him, he wanted Donghyun to feed that fantasy so he could keep pretending that it was true.
“I’m yours, Dongmin. I’m all yours,” Donghyun answered, exactly what Dongmin wanted to hear. A lie. Donghyun hadn’t been his for a very long time – but Dongmin wasn’t giving much thought to that.
Dongmin kept marking him. This time, Donghyun allowed him to, crying and holding tight to the red strands.
He pulled away from Donghyun’s chest when he deemed that it was enough, the message left clear. Donghyun looked perfect like this, and he wanted to snap a picture. Having this only in his memory wasn’t enough. It’ll be impossible for Donghyun to hide this, and the thought that he’d probably have to avoid his boyfriend so he wouldn’t see it made him satisfied beyond words.
Now he was ready to give Donghyun everything he wanted, who was looking at his blemished body with a smile that showed how satisfied he was too. Happy, even if that put his relationship and image in danger if this got out in the open.
“Dongmin, are you going to fuck me now? Please…” he begged, a pout in his lips. He looked beautiful like this, so clingy. Donghyun was the prettiest person he ever had the privilege of looking at. He smiled and left a peck on his lips before taking the forgotten lube on the corner of the bed.
He opened the bottle and dripped the liquid on his fingers, taking them to Donghyun’s entrance in a hurry. He knew that if he took too long, Donghyun would probably explode – he liked to have things exactly when he wanted them, and Dongmin was more than used to how spoiled he was.
He circled the entrance before pushing two fingers inside. Donghyun whimpered at the intrusion, moaning low. Dongmin waited a few seconds so he could get used to it, starting to move his fingers inside, with slow movements at first before picking up the pace.
Donghyun has always been loud when they were having sex, and two fingers inside were enough for him to let out sounds considerably loud. Dongmin had missed that a lot. Donghyun was sensitive all over, but in bed he was worse, and Dongmin loved that.
He moved his fingers in a scissoring motion, pushing a third one a little after, just to make sure that he’d be thoroughly open before fucking him. Donghyun clenched around his fingers, which made Dongmin wonder when was the last time that he had been fucked. He wanted to ask, but he knew that the answer would probably bother him if it wasn’t the one he was looking for. He wanted to be: “Quite some time. I don’t even have sex with my boyfriend this much.”
He took his fingers out when he was sure that Donghyun was ready for his cock. Donghyun let out a frustrated sound, as if he wouldn’t have something bigger inside him in a few seconds.
Dongmin picked up the lube again, pouring the liquid on his length. He did everything rushedly, scared that all of this was only a hallucination, that Donghyun would disappear out of nowhere. He wanted to feel Donghyun as soon as possible, fuck him until they were both a mess of tired bodies.
He positioned his cock in Donghyun’s entrance. He was inviting him with his legs wide open, looking down to have a good view of Dongmin’s cock pressing inside him for the first time after so long.
When Dongmin finally pushed inside, it was quick and rushed, not giving Donghyun any time to get used to the feeling before he started to thrust roughly. He knew that Donghyun wouldn’t mind the pain at all – Dongmin could slap him in the face at that moment and Donghyun would grace him with a big smile.
“Ah, you idiot,” Donghyun cursed, moaning loudly. “Like that, please, don’t stop.”
Dongmin obeyed, completely out of it. More alive than he ever felt. He kept with the harsh rhythm, and Donghyun moaned – a little too loud for a hotel room – while scrambling to hold onto Dongmin’s back, leaving stinging scratches there. Dongmin liked the idea of being marked by Donghyun.
Dongmin wouldn’t mind the noises coming from Donghyun if they were in the comfort of their rooms in their own houses – but they weren’t. They were in a hotel with a bunch of other athletes, and he still had a bit of sense to know that this could end up fucking up their images – not that he minded if people liked him or not, but he already had too many problems to deal with and this is one he’d like to avoid.
“You’re making a scene, Donghyun,” he said, without slowing down. “You want everyone to hear us?” he mocked, using what Donghyun had said earlier against him.
Donghyun bit his lips in a desperate attempt to muffle his noises. The threat has left him frightened. It didn’t make much difference – he has never been one of the quieter ones, and Dongmin couldn’t control the pleasure he was feeling to go slow, and he knew that if he did that, Donghyun would get frustrated.
An idea came up in his head, in the shape of a memory. He has been in that situation before, he knew what he had to do.
He took Donghyun’s arms from his neck and pushed his head back on the pillow. Then, he took two fingers to Donghyun’s lips, and he understood immediately what he had to do. He pushed them into his mouth, sucking on it to stop him from doing so much noise. This seemed to work better, and they could continue without worries. Dongmin regretted no longer being able to hear Donghyun’s moans, but seeing him drooling around his fingers was a nice compensation for it.
Everything was going perfectly, and they were completely engulfed in their little bubble of pleasure until they were interrupted – not in an abrupt way, but in a way that bothered both.
Donghyun’s phone, on the nightstand next to the bed, buzzed nonstop. It was something that they could ignore in the first minutes, but started to become a nuisance. Dongmin could easily ignore it, but as paranoiac as he has always been, Donghyun started to get restless.
“Just put it on silent,” Dongmin said, impatient. He stopped moving when Donghyun stretched an arm to take the device, mumbling that it could be something serious.
“Ah.” His face changed, a mix of worry and discomfort. “It’s Anton.”
Dongmin rolled his eyes. The mere mention of that name was enough for him to get taken away from the peaceful state of mind he was before. It was normal for him to be calling – Donghyun refused to celebrate and has been silent for hours, but Dongmin didn’t want to hear any of that. He considered taking the phone away from Donghyun’s grip and throwing it far away, so that Anton wouldn’t be able to interrupt their moment anymore.
“Just a second,” he said, about to pick up the call. That made Dongmin confused, looking baffled at Donghyun. “What? Would you rather have him showing up here and screwing everything up? Think with your real head for once instead of the other one.”
Dongmin wanted to argue, but what Donghyun said made a lot of sense. Fuck, it would be one hell of a mess if Donghyun’s boyfriend showed up out of nowhere. Just thinking about it made him distressed. He couldn’t do anything besides giving Donghyun a moment, which he did right next.
“Hey, baby,” Donghyun said, trying to mask his shaky voice. Dongmin got angry at the petname, letting out a loud and frustrated exhale. Donghyun motioned for him to be quiet.
Dongmin went silent, hearing the conversation that he least wanted to hear in the world. Donghyun was doing a good job at hiding, giving short excuses and saying that he just wanted some time alone. And his boyfriend was stupid enough to believe in all those lies.
But the call was taking too long, and he was starting to get impatient and bored, overwhelmed with jealous and obsessively possessive thoughts. That was until he realized that he had some control over the situation, and getting into a little wouldn’t hurt, right? Donghyun deserved it for making him go through such an unpleasant situation. Well, he’d pay for it when he hung up, but Dongmin wanted him to pay for it now too.
He leaned his head and mouthed at one of Donghyun’s nipples, who let out a surprised noise – almost like a moan. He looked at Dongmin with widened eyes, perplexed. He pulled at Dongmin’s hair to get him away, but he persisted, sucking the nipple. He knew that Donghyun was extremely sensitive there, and he wanted to see if he’d be able to pretend as well now. Dongmin used that as a distraction from the annoyance he felt at having to listen to Donghyun talking to the man that he hated.
“No– It was nothing. You don’t have to worry, I just– I just bumped into something,” he stumbled through words, holding back from letting out noises that might sound suspicious, trying to sound as convincing as possible.
Dongmin sucked and licked the spot with intent, smiling while watching Donghyun having a hard time talking. That was until he realized that he would no longer be able to, making up an excuse to hang up. “I’m not– I’m not feeling that well. I’m going to sleep… T-talk to you tomorrow.”
He put the phone back where it was and looked at Dongmin reproachily, who had stopped doing what he was doing before. “What’s your problem, really? Imagine if he’d heard that? For god’s sake, Dongmin.”
“Fuck whether he heard it or not. Actually, I wish he had heard, so he could leave what’s mine alone,” he was back to the jealous rambling again.
“You’re still the most jealous person I’ve ever known…” he answered, not really bothered by that. “So… Are you going to finish what you were doing or are you just going to keep talking?”
Dongmin took that as a challenge, and he was annoyed enough with the whole situation to let it slip. It was in his plans to make Donghyun pay for that once the call ended, and he was going to put that into action now.
He gripped Donghyun’s waist so tightly it’d leave bruises, and thrust into him again at an even faster pace than before. Donghyun desperately searched his fingers to muffle the screams that were trying to escape.
At that moment, he was hurting Donghyun with how harsh he was thrusting inside him, to the point that the blonde could barely keep the fingers in his mouth. And that’s exactly how they liked – rough, painful, aggressive. It has always been like this, and Dongmin knew he was the only one that could perfectly give it to Donghyun.
“I know for sure that he doesn’t fuck you the way I do,” he started, speaking everything that came to his head, no control over his tongue. “I’m the only one that gets you like this, right? I’m the only one that makes you cock dumb like this. He doesn’t even come close to me, does he?”
Donghyun couldn’t answer, too distracted by what Dongmin was doing to him. His mind didn’t seem to be in the same place as him, he looked completely gone at that moment. Dongmin turned him into a mess – something that he should hate, but loved.
A pool of tears took place in his eyes, and it didn’t take long for them to spill, rolling down his flushed cheeks uncontrollably. Dongmin felt his cock getting harder, and that gave him motivation to keep going – as if that was even possible.
Donghyun was crying and babbling about how good he was feeling. Dongmin’s fingers occupied a useless space in his mouth. The words came out hoarse and disjointed, he didn’t even look like he knew what he was saying. He was close to coming, a pool of precum gathering in his belly. Dongmin was close too.
Dongmin leaned down to lick the tears that were falling, taking his fingers from the blond’s mouth to claim his swollen lips again. He didn’t slow down, searching for his own release. He was grateful to be an athlete in moments like this, he could have great energy and stamina.
He held Donghyun’s cock in his hands, and started to jerk him off in a pace similar to his thrusts. “Fuck, Donghyun. I missed you, so fucking much. I want you to be mine again. Just mine, just mine–”
He moaned while cumming inside Donghyun, who followed close with nails piercing his shoulders, moaning loudly.
He pulled his cock out of Donghyun, but stayed on top of him. They caught their breaths in silence. The only noise in the room being their heaved breaths. The realization of what they had done only hit minutes later.
Clarity struck Dongmin, and he felt a weight on his conscience along with a guilt that started to bother him. When he looked at Donghyun again, his mind went empty. They both smiled calmly when their eyes met.
What they had done was beyond wrong. And if they thought that they weren’t good people before, now they were sure of how rotten both of them were. But with Donghyun looking at him like that, with his eyes shining and looking like an angel, it was impossible to believe that he shouldn’t have done what he did, that what they’ve done was wrong. It might be, but he was right where he wanted to be.
“I missed this,” Donghyun repeated for the nth time, his voice low and raspy. “I missed you.”
Dongmin didn’t feel like he needed to answer, since he had already said it a bunch of times throughout the night. And Donghyun would know that it was mutual even if he hadn’t said anything.
Amidst the whole mess they were into, they felt peaceful, falling asleep not longer after. Dongmin lying on Donghyun’s chest, who hugged him lightly.
┈┈・ ✦ ・┈┈
Dongmin woke up with movement underneath him. He raised his head with his eyes still a little blurry, barely able to figure out what actually happened when he heard Donghyun’s words.
“Holy shit.”