Chapter Text
It's been a few weeks since Irminsul and the Doctor were burned for good. Sumeru was in disarray for a while after the disaster, however its people are optimistic and managed to recover. Celebrations were happening all around the city for their victory, in spite of the costs. People have not forgotten the fear, but they also never forgot their hope. Luckily, the nation managed to come out relatively unscathed.
In the aftermath, with all the changes and work to be done, the Archon has not had a minute to rest, nor has her assistant. The distractions had been beneficial to the both of them, as they didn't have too long to sit with their feelings.
The Wanderer has not slept the past few weeks. It is not as though he requires it, after all, and there was simply too much work to be done.
If he did lay down to rest, he knew he'd be plagued by nightmares regardless.
The Doctor’s words may not have changed his views this time around, and he has grown from the days of believing everything he told him, but that does not mean that he came out of their encounter completely without enduring impacts. Regardless of what he may or may not have told the traveler.
Either way, he could only continue his duties, as he did.
But then Nahida noticed he was hiding something. Because he just couldn't hide anything from her. Because he always became a useless burden when he needed to act.
He could genuinely empathize with Paimon. He understood how she felt, being unable to help.
She has grown so much as well.
But he was still stuck in some of his ways. Despite how he has grown, despite how he trusts the people of Sumeru, he still won't tell others when he is injured.
It's not because of pride, nor is it because he doesn't trust them, and it's not because he's a puppet. He is simply tired of being a burden who others have to deal with. He can deal with his own problems just fine. He may not ever be able to redeem himself for his sins, but regardless of what The Doctor may have said to him, he knows that he doesn't regret anything from his life in Sumeru. Can't truly regret it, because everything worked out for him. He was finally able to live for himself, finally had a place to call home once more.
The Doctor was right about one thing. He did not fear his friends discovering his past or his identity. But not for the reasons the doctor suggested.
Still, there were things he now knew that he would have a hard time revealing to anybody.
Including Nahida, for that matter. If he told her something was wrong, it would only worry her. And there was no guarantee that anything could be done about this issue anyway. No guarantee he would even survive long enough to fix it.
He is no longer desperate to die, as he was when he thought he could change things. He has learned his life, somehow, matters to certain people around him. He has learned to want to live, if not for himself then for the people he cares about. But the doctor had figured out who he was.
And there was no guarantee that the others would still care about him if they knew his history.
So he stayed quiet about the building issue, letting it fester, because he didn't want to risk destroying the life he has now when there was no guarantee that anyone could help him.
He had considered, on more than one occasion, to simply vivisect himself to take care of it. But then he would need to find a replacement part, and he didn't think he'd be able to acquire one on his own. Plus, there was no guarantee that it would be the only “long term experiment” the doctor had planted.
He could imagine that sick monster using some decoy to lull him into a sense of having removed every trace of him from himself, while still controlling him through some other means.
Even in death, that man still tormented the world.
And after his final destruction? Traces remained, the impacts endured, and memories could not be forgotten forever. Memories remained, regardless of the efforts to remove them; there would always be someone whose mind knew the truth. The truth never disappears, that fact has been enforced over and over.
Regardless, he had a problem. One that would be very difficult to solve on his own, because he didn't have the resources, nor the knowledge necessary to ensure that everything would be okay.
So after a few weeks, he did what he had been avoiding, what he feared was too late to do. He told Nahida.
—
“There is something I need to tell you about.” His serious tone immediately filled her eyes with concern.
“Is everything okay?” Nahida asked, worriedly. He hadn't come to her regarding any issues in the past few weeks, and she had assumed that that had meant nothing was seriously wrong. But with him coming to her now, doubts started to creep into her mind about whether she should have been paying more attention. Both of them had been so busy, and she had been so absorbed in taking care of the recent changes, she hadn't even reflected on herself. She realizes she needs to give herself more grace, but…
“..No. I need help,” the Wanderer admitted to her. Just him saying that was enough to fill her with pride on how far he's come. He seemed hesitant, as though there were many thoughts he held back, but he still came to her in the end. In the end, the both of them could rely on one another and trust one another as family.
But then, the weight of his decision to come to her now had hit her. He would not have waited so long, or come to her at all, if something wasn't seriously wrong. Her worry immediately spiked, and she had to hold herself back from prying into his mind. Fortunately or unfortunately, he continued.
“.. I'm not quite sure how to explain this, or bring this up at all, hence why I've been avoiding it for so long,” the Wanderer began,”however, I'm afraid that if I wait too long, it may be too late.”
And those words sent chills down her spine. What could he possibly be talking about? Is something bad happening in Sumeru that she was left unaware of? Is she going to be locked away again? (Is this all a dream?)
She should stop jumping to worst case scenarios. She is the God of Wisdom, after all, it is quite unwise of her to immediately jump to conclusions (because she's just a child. Because she's afraid, and alone, and scared, and so so so used to being left out of the know and yet relied upon to know everything— but she's not really alone, and Nahida knows that, but she has a hard time convincing herself that she's even awake and free even when she is the keeper of the world's knowledge and memories and she should know that everything is fine—)
“..Listen, Nahida. I don't want to cause you to panic. I just needed to tell you…” the Wanderer sighed. “The truth is, I'm injured. And it's something that I can't exactly fix on my own.”
She should've known. She should have realised. When could he have gotten injured? She wasn't paying enough attention. If he's coming to her, then it must be really serious. And then guilt begins to creep in, because she's been with him for weeks since the recent disaster, and she hasn't noticed anything. She hasn't noticed.
So either he's just been really good at hiding it, or she simply did not think to look. Because she thought he was fine. Because she believed him when he told her everything was okay.
(And she feels even more guilty, because she's a hypocrite who told him the same thing. And yet. She still couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth, while he is here, coming to her with a potentially serious issue.)
(And when she realizes that she still has no clue what the problem is, it dawns on her just how single minded she has been since almost dying. Since losing Irminsul. She thought that since Sumeru was okay, everything else would fall into place if she just worked to fix all the little things.)
“Don’t worry. I won't fall apart in just a few days,” the Wanderer tried to assure her. But that comment only served to drive her deeper into her panic and guilt. So much stress, so much pressure has been placed upon her. But she's fine.
She hasn't been able to catch a break. But she's fine.
She needs to know what's wrong. If she doesn't figure out what's wrong, the Wanderer won't tell her. And then what if something really bad happens to him? What if—
(He leaves her behind forever?)
(She would be fine, of course. She has her people, her nation, her home— but, he is her family. Archons know how he has helped her learn the meaning of that word, the past few years. She doesn't know how to live without him at her side, anymore. And she doesn't want to have to learn anytime soon.)
“You are overthinking, Nahida. I can see the steam coming out of your ears,” he tells her, “The fact of the matter is, what is wrong with me right now is outside of your control. And it's not exactly a new injury, either. It's just something that man left behind, a little gift that he could use to conduct his final experiment on his favourite test subject if he were ever to disappear from this world.”
“And, coincidentally, the only way for me to have gained memories of it in the first place, to know what he did back then, was for him to disappear from this world,” he continued. “I will say, he never knows when to stop. I wouldn't be surprised if he had an experiment set up to last for eternity, one that would just keep going on and on. I'll get to the point, though. Back when I first joined the fatui, the Doctor… he replaced the part that controls the pure electro energy within me with one of his own sick machinations. And I had let him, at the time, believing he was simply unsealing power that belonged to me, to allow me to control it. Ironically, he is the one who ended up gaining full control over my body, without my awareness. Hah, he even connected it to himself somehow, in a way that he could still manipulate me as long as he knew who I was! It wasn't until I erased myself from Irminsul that the connection was made fuzzy, and he no longer had influence over my mind. Ironic, isn't it?”
Nahida continued listening silently. She had told him once, she recalls, not to bottle up his emotions. She supposes that he is expressing them quite well, and he deserves to be angry after everything the doctor has done to him.
Her own anger rises within her. None of it is fair. She begins debating their options from here. She clearly hasn't heard the full story yet, but if there truly is a grave issue… then she doesn't have time to wait to start thinking of a solution. But because she doesn't have the full picture at the moment, she lets him continue.
“But that was then. I was recently so pleased to discover that once he disappeared, whatever device that he used to automatically regulate the electro energy within my body had left with him. And with that, I have a critical faulty part that is currently trying to kill me. Since he just had to install a part that regulated nothing, essentially to self-destruct, if it wasn't actively connected to him, regardless of his knowledge of it. Hah, he would be so delighted to know that he was able to cause me pain even in a death beyond death,” the Wanderer gritted out. There was no longer an object to pin his anger on, as the Doctor was gone. But Nahida was here, and she could listen.
She could still help him tackle the root of his current issue. She could find a solution. She just needed time.
“Unfortunately, Nahida, I may become too physically unstable soon to fix anything. And it's not as though there are any replacement parts around. I could remove it, prevent my self destruction, but who knows what kind of consequences that would have on Sumeru. At that point, there would be nothing to contain the elemental energy, and I doubt I could remain aware enough to control it without it. As for why a new part cannot be created… Well, currently, Irminsul is gone. And I'm not sure if any other material would work for this purpose.”
No. This was all so sudden. He came to her out of the blue. This could not be happening. He said few words, and yet that was all that needed to be said for the emotional build up she's experienced from the stress of the past few weeks to topple the dam she's been building up silently, preventing the flood from spilling over so she could continue functioning for as long as her nation needed her. Because she needed to be strong for her people. Because she couldn't be a lost child who needed guidance and hope herself. She was supposed to be the source of hope. The source of aid.
There had to be a solution, she just needed time to think. No point in jumping to worst case scenarios when it isn't over yet, right? She had so much to worry about, and yet, now that he is coming to her with this issue, it is all that is consuming her mind. The Doctor had left many scars on Sumeru and its people. And now, visible effects were bubbling up out of the cracks in the ocean floor. Cracks that she knew, logically, were there, but she had hoped and prayed they would not become an issue. So she foolishly ignored them, despite knowing that even though the worst had past, did not mean they were completely in the clear. Even with the aid they recieved from snezhnaya and other nations, Sumeru needed time to heal. And so did she.
And so her thoughts went back to the Wanderer. His current predicament... was due to her negligence. She failed to recognize his pain. She failed him, as his friend, as his family. He needed her, just as she needed him during this time. And yet, neither of them went to the other. Both of them considered themselves to have grown significantly, and yet there were still things that had not fully healed, that had not fully changed. And now the impacts were visible, and she needed to do something. And this was sudden, so sudden, and yet it should have been expected. But it wasn't. And the fact of the matter is, they should have realised that the effects Dottore had on the world could never fully disappear. She should have paid more attention.
But there is nothing she can do to change the past. No, she must simply think of a solution in the present. She's the God of Wisdom, surely she can think of something? She has so many friends, all her people care for her. Surely, they would be willing to help her again (even with all the doubts in her mind telling her that she is still a useless little girl who no one really needs. Anyone else could be the Archon, and would do a better job than her. Because even though everything worked out with her in charge, someone else could have done better. People would not have had to die, if she was stronger. If she could have just protected all her people)
But she must ignore her self doubts. The Wanderer needs her, right now. Sumeru needs her. She is needed. (She is no longer useless.) So she tries to think of how she could help him. (Because she needs him as much as he needs her.) And... If he needs a part that manages elemental energy like a catalyst… no. Nothing down that train of thought. Though… maybe she has some idea of how to help him. With what he just told her... She is used to having to think as quickly as possible. She is relied upon by all of Sumeru, after all. So maybe, if she just tries hard enough, for long enough— she will come up with a solution.
And then, a thought comes to her.
Not one that he will appreciate. But it is the only idea she has at the moment. She should probably keep this thought to herself, for now, but it is as follows: His creator, the Electro Archon, created another puppet, right? Maybe… maybe, there was a chance that there was another part somewhere that they could get to save him.
As she thought more about that, she realized that she'd likely have to save that as a last resort. The potential international consequences that could come from going to another Archon for help with something that she won't be able to disclose to the public, and also having to explain who the puppet even is to his creator, because to all of Inazuma, he never even existed…
But there were obviously other things she could do at the moment. Dottore had many labs all over Sumeru. If he caused this problem, then it would only be logical that there were clues left behind on how to fix it.
And with the aid they were receiving from Snezhnaya as compensation… Maybe she'd even be able to convince the fatui to allow her access to Dottore's things, if she explains that she needs it to fix a problem that he caused. Which was completely true.
And if there were really no traces that were useful, she could always start researching Khaenri'ahn technologies herself. There were plenty of scholars who had knowledge in those areas who she may be able to reach for help. Even if such a thing is more difficult, she knows she should stay positive and see this as an opportunity for learning. Ever the optimist, she believes that there is always something that she can do.
He essentially just admitted to her he was dying, and her first thoughts were her own self blame, before they went to how she could prevent it. She has never had any time to grieve, she is expected to be able to act. She may be a child, but she is also a god. And Gods are expected to bring hope to their people, otherwise, what is there to have faith in? And... Maybe it wasn't hopeless, maybe they just needed connections. Maybe, Nahida didn't have to worry, because she has power in her kindness. Power that she often doesn't recognize enough in herself.
Nahida’s next thought was that she absolutely needed to contact her friends. She couldn't do any of this alone, and… “Hat Guy’s” friends would definitely help him out. Regardless of her own self doubts, she knew in her heart that the Wanderer was important to Sumeru regardless of other factors. And she had to have faith that he was cared for by people other than herself.
But even the thought of reaching out to her people again for help brings up another issue. How much do they know of the Wanderer? How many know that he's a puppet, and how much of his past would they need to reveal for them to help him? Would he be willing... Or rather, would they still accept him if he revealed his past? She felt guilty for doubting her people, she knew she needed to have faith in them, but.. he was just too important to her to risk.
She hopes that everything will turn out okay.