Chapter Text
The thing that mattered most in the world was crushed the second Nathan Wesninski reentered Nell Josten's life: Winning the Exy National High School Championship.
The only thing on Nell's mind was getting that trophy in her hands. Last year, her team had just barely missed their win by one point. One point. This year it would be different; this time, Nell would be better. She had switched from backliner to the striker position this season, and she would make sure that goal lit up red before the final buzzer if her life depended on it.
Being a striker felt good. She got to be in control of the court. If she couldn't control anything else in her life, Nell at least knew the court would never throw her off. Especially not with some bullshit intervention like the one taking place in the driveway of her father's home.
Nathan was not a man to be messed with.
As she stared at him from where he stood nearly towering over her, she thought back on how she ended up with her father back in her life in the first place. When Mary, Nell's mother, couldn't get full custody of her daughter in the divorce, she picked up and ran. They changed their names and settled as far away from the Wesninski family as possible. They lived comfortably—if only slightly paranoid— for most of Nell's life. Her mother ingrained the dangers of being found into her daughter's mind. Nothing outstanding, nothing big constantly cycled through her mind in the calm intensity of her mother's voice.
But Nell had always been terrible at following instructions.
Exy had called to her like nothing ever had before. She had to follow, to be part of something, so she joined the team in secret. Nell's mother only found out when all the excuses of "going to study group" became too frequent.
They yelled and argued and fought about it before Nell managed to quell her mothers worries. But she had been right, she always was, because Nell had accidentally become part of something big, something outstanding. Nathan had found them—Nell's piercing blue eyes and wild auburn hair were hard to miss when plastered on large sports channels reporting on her team's loss— and her father made it his mission to ruin her life.
He came swooping into her life only five months ago. He didn't even bother putting on an act of loving father; he settled in as a strict, controlling figure immediately. Nathan always wanted to know where Nell was going, what her plans were for college, and, strangely, if she was dating anyone.
Exy games were always on a Friday night, and Nathan managed to go to every. single. one. That might come across as sweet, a father supporting his daughter, but Nathan was not a normal father, and Nell could read him too well. He was there to observe, to analyze and pick apart everything that was Nell Josten.
And, apparently, what he found was not up to his standards.
Which is why Nell found herself in the driveway surrounded by Nathan, his assistants, and a bald man trying way too hard to be intimidating. Nell swore she was trying really hard to pay attention to what everyone was saying. The late August sun beating down on her neck and the bald man's baby blue 'Straight is Great!' T-shirt were not helping, though.
"—a great place for people like yourself!" She only caught the tail end of the bald man's chipper monologue, something about…a camp?
Nell looked around the circle slowly, keeping her gaze neutral. "What's going on? Who's the bald guy?" She gave a sharp jerk of her hand toward him.
Nathan pinched his brow in frustration. "Jesus, Nat— Nell," he corrected himself, "That's Mike." She tried not to flinch at his slip up. Her old name, the one he had given her: Natalie Wesninski. The perfect daughter, made to carry on the legacy of his perfect business. It made her hair stand on end every time she heard it; it brought her back, back to sleepless nights spent shaking, anxiety coursing through her veins as Nathan used the same angry voice he used now, directed at her mother.
"Hi! Yes, I'm Mike. I introduced myself a few minutes ago, actually," said Bald Mike, pulling her out of her memories. "I'm just trying to facilitate a non-threatening conversation between everyone!" Nell groaned inwardly. He was way too enthusiastic.
Mike looked around the circle, frowning slightly at how everyone else was standing in a vaguely threatening way.
Nell was still confused, and she needed to get moving soon if she was going to get to practice on time. "…a conversation… about what?"
"I'm concerned about your lifestyle," Nathan said.
"Huh?"
"What he means by that," Mike adds on, "is your homosexual tendencies. It's okay!" he insisted when he noticed Nell's shock. "I was once a gay too, but now I'm all fixed up, and you can be too!"
No noise was making it out of Nell's mouth. She was completely dumbfounded. Her? Homosexual tendencies? What the fuck.
"I don't have homosexual tendencies? I haven't even dated anyone," Nell insisted with an unexpectedly steady voice. There were some advances made by her teammates, but Nell was never interested. She had never been very good at getting close to people and had given up trying. They were all kind of shit at Exy too, so there wasn't anything to get out of entertaining them.
"Exactly," one of the assistants said. "Bad for business." He shook his head in disappointment.
"What?" Nell felt like everyone's brains had been scrambled except for hers, and no one had warned her about it before she stepped outside.
Nathan finally decided to explain in simple terms.
"You're right, you've never dated anyone. You've never even shown interest in anyone. After being in your life for a few months, I've noticed a few boys talk to you at games, and you never reciprocate. All you ever talk about is Exy. Your whole life seems to be Exy. The Wesninski business is a family one. How am I supposed to pass on my legacy to someone without a husband? Someone who doesn't value family traditions?"
Nathan took a deep breath that barely lessened the redness of his face. He continued with one last punch.
"I will not allow my daughter to waste her life away in an environment where a bunch of masculine women run around playing a man's sport.”
Mike had the absolute nerve to place a hand on her shoulder. "At True Direction, you'll be surrounded by others just like you who are on the path to healing. We will get to the bottom of your homosexuality, and, well, you will find your true direction!"
This didn't make any sense. Nell wasn't going to go. She wasn't she wasn't she wasn't—
She didn't even realize she had been revving up to punch Mike until her father's security was wrenching her arm behind her back. Nell winced as hot pain shot up her shoulder at the sudden movement, struggling and kicking against the men. She thought she could fight them off.
As it turned out, Nell was no match for Nathan's security as they shoved her into the back of a Pepto-Bismol pink van. There was nothing inside but her old JV Exy duffel bag filled with some of her belongings and a purple bean bag chair in place of an actual seat.
Nell calmed down with a few deep breaths and spent the long ride picking lint off of her old knee length gym shorts and knocking her Exy grade sneakers together with her legs sprawled out in front of her. She had been on her way to the court, so her outfit was suited for a casual workout. It works for a kidnapping too.
She broke up the monotony of the journey by occasionally banging on the side of the van as hard as possible just to hear Mike's dramatic gasp every time it happened.
She took some joy in knowing she wasn't acting very womanly at the moment.
Being queer was never something Nell had considered for herself. She didn't care if other people were, it's their life, after all, but she never had feelings like that for a girl before. Or a boy. Emotions were never easy for her. How was she supposed to know how she felt about other people?
The only things she knew for sure was that getting close to others was dangerous and that she felt most like herself on the court with a racquet in her hand.
Despite reminding herself of that during the drive, her thoughts spiraled. And, on top of how generally shitty this was, she was missing practice. Nell would probably miss the next few games as well. This camp could go on for a long time. The beginning of panic started crawling its way up her throat.
Nell nearly fell over as the van made a sharp turn onto a dirt path and parked, stilling her panic. The back door opened, and she dragged her duffel bag with her as she jumped out ungracefully.
The bright sun hit her, forcing her to squint against it as she walked. Mike led her to the bottom of stone stairs, and Nell opened her eyes enough to see that they led up to an old styled house that was baby blue with neon pink accents. The woman in front of them wore a somehow even brighter pink suit.
"Hi! I'm Lola, the founder of True Direction. You must be Nell." Her smile was bright but calculated. "So glad your father reached out to us. By the looks of it we got a hold of you just in time!"
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
Nell suddenly remembered what she was wearing, glancing down at her neutral gray shorts and bright orange team shirt that had a few sweat stains. Well…yeah she didn't exactly look put together at the moment.
"Come along! Take her bag," Lola said to Mike. Nell side eyed him and shrugged her bag farther onto her shoulder with a tight grip.
"I've got it," Nell said plainly. She started walking ahead and pointedly ignored the look Lola and Mike exchanged, the take note of that kind of look.
Mike disappeared along the way while Lola continued down a hallway and into an office. The house was definitely something from the 70s. Lola went straight into a lecture, going on and on about the importance of admitting homosexuality. She tried baiting Nell into it by doing in detail descriptions of women, but it did nothing for Nell except make her mildly uncomfortable.
"When you see a woman, let's say, in the locker room, taking off her shirt, the muscles of her back flexing with the movement, you would think to yourself…" Lola prompted.
"…oookay? Whatever?" She shrugged. Nell truly didn't get it, and she was getting really tired of this. "I don't swing, miss. I don't know what else to tell you."
Lola sighed, clearly frustrated. "No matter. Admitting you have a problem is the most important part, and you will get there soon enough. Ah— just in time." Lola gestured to the door, forcing Nell to turn. "This is Renee, our most committed pupil. She will show you around. Get you situated."
The girl next to her had blonde, almost white hair cleanly cut at her shoulders. The ends were a faded rainbow all around. She wore a straight lined skirt with a button up shirt, each a different shade of pink, but the most glaring part of her ensemble was the silver cross necklace resting against her sternum.
Something about her felt off.
"Hi Nell. Allow me to show you around."
✭
Unfortunately, the outfit Renee wore was the True Direction uniform. Even more unfortunate, though, was that Nell couldn't get one until she completed the first step. For now, she was stuck with an uncomfortable, paper thin medical gown.
After Nell got changed, Renee gave her a tour of the house. They walked along the porch that wrapped around the entire building as Renee pointed out different spots, like the semi circle of tree stumps that served as a meeting place after outdoor activities and the few tables that were used as a cafeteria.
"The day starts at 7 and breakfast is at 8. After that we have group therapy until lunch—the therapy isn't that bad after everyone warms up to each other, and we get free time to cool off afterwards." Renee seemed to have this explanation down to a T. "There's a variety of reorientating exercises for us after that, and then everyone helps out with dinner prep or any other chore that needs doing. Family therapy on the weekends, of course." She finished with a nod.
They reached a hot pink door and Renee pushed it open with Nell on her heels. The room was a hexagon with pink beds filling one half, matching soft pink nightstands separating them from each other. The beds looked glossy and Nell ran her hand along the mattress as she dropped her bag on top. It was covered with that protective plastic that old people put over their couches. She couldn't imagine sleeping on that would be easy.
"Is it not hard to sleep on these?" Nell asked with a sweeping gesture toward all of the bed coverings.
"It's actually comfortable, just a bit noisy. You'll get used to it," Renee answered. She smiled at Nell engaging with her for the first time since the tour began. "The only rule for the sleeping area is to not share beds. You know, to prevent any problems." Her smile broadened but it didn't reach her eyes.
After a pause, Renee moved on and continued, "Come on, I'll get you set up in the therapy room until everyone finishes prepping dinner."
There was a confidence to Renee that didn't fully make sense, and Nell absently wondered if she'd been to camps like this before. Maybe it had taken her a while to become the perfect pupil that Lola believed her to be.
"I'm sure you've been told about the first step, admitting you're a homosexual." She whispered the last word like it was banned— or, maybe, Nell thought with another glimpse of the cross necklace, she believed if God heard her say it she'd be condemned to Hell. "Once you look inward, completing step one is as easy as breathing."
Nell considered asking about the necklace but a voice derailed her train of thought.
"Tutoring the youth on self reflection, very catholic of you."
Renee stopped suddenly where they had been turning the corner. Nell had to re-balance herself with the porch railing to avoid falling over.
"Oh! Hi Andrea. How are you?" Renee dipped her head in greeting toward the owner of the voice, a girl leaned up against the wall. Nell had to maneuver around Renee to get a clear view of her.
The person Renee called Andrea was shockingly short, even for a girl. She looked about five feet even, and her blonde hair was short as well, swept to the side and choppy. She managed to have an edge to her pink uniform, worn black combat boots and bands that stretched from wrist to elbow. One hand flicked a lighter on and off with a click while the other hovered by her face, a cigarette burning between her fingers.
"Hello, Renee." Andrea kept her eyes on the rainbow-haired girl but gestured to Nell with a flick of her cigarette that shook a clump of ash to the floor. "Is this the fresh meat?"
Renee's smile flattened slightly at that wording. "Yes, this is Nell Josten." She turned to Nell. "Nell, Andrea Minyard. She got here yesterday morning with everyone else."
Andrea didn’t say anything, just stared into the distance with a long drag of her cigarette.
After a stretch of uncomfortable silence—or uncomfortable to Nell, at least—she decided to speak first.
"Isn't everyone supposed to be in the kitchen?"
"Observant, aren't we?"
Andrea's expression stayed neutral as her eyes wandered over Nell's face. She said nothing in response to Andrea, letting them stand in tense silence for a moment.
When Renee swayed on her feet, Nell stated, "You're not in support of your true place in the kitchen, I guess. The gender reorientating exercises will be difficult for you.”
Andrea didn't react to her slight taunt other than a twitch of her eyebrow. Nell nudged Renee's shoulder, and they continued toward the therapy room, leaving Andrea behind to finish her cigarette.
The chair in the center of the room was reserved for Nell and it faced a semi circle of others that slowly filled with the other…students? She wasn't sure what to call them. Andrea sat directly across from her even though there were plenty of open seats when she got there. She sat in a very casual way, legs uncrossed and skirt pushed up slightly to show the basketball shorts she wore underneath. Nell absently wondered if she would be allowed to do that as well when she could finally get out of her gown.
Andrea began bouncing her leg up and down, forcing Nell to look up and find that the girl was staring at her.
Everyone made it to their seats and got comfortable, so Lola decided to kick things off.
"Alright, Nell, why don't we get you introduced to everyone!" She gestured to the first person to Nell's left, a girl with short cropped hair and a fierce expression.
"Hi, Nell. I'm Dan. I'm my school's student government leader, and I'm a homosexual." She said the last part with a hint of animosity.
The boy next to her cleared his throat. "Kevin Day, starting striker for Edgar Allan High's Exy team, homosexual."
Her heart hammered in her chest at the mention of Exy, especially since Kevin was one of the best players in the North East high school ranks. She’d never actually seen him before, but his name frequented the echoing walls of her team’s locker room. Nell wanted to ask him for tips on the striker position, but now didn't seem like the best time.
The next person had spiked hair and masculine features that contrasted heavily with their pink uniform.
"Madi Boyd, but most people call me Boyd. Uh, homosexual, I guess," they muttered but flashed Nell a grin to attempt to cover it up.
"I'm Renee." She grabbed her cross necklace before continuing, "devoted Catholic and recovering lesbian." She spoke with a measured calm that only wavered slightly at the word lesbian, like it was hard for her to say.
Nell could feel Andrea's gaze burning into her while the others had introduced themselves, and Nell finally made eye contact with her. She began drumming her fingers against the chair where they were, palm flat against the plastic between her knees.
"You know me," she began. "Homosexual Andrea, lover of gender roles, big fan of kitchens." Her teasing reference to their last conversation—if you could call it that— threw Nell off and she barely managed a nod before the next person started talking.
"Jean Moreau," he said with a French accent that Nell recognized immediately; her father worked with many Europeans. "French. Homosexual…uh," he paused to think of the word, "non-discriminating."
The next girl to speak looked like she came straight from the runway. Her skirt appeared shorter than everyone else's and her shirt had a few buttons undone. How she managed to curl her hair so perfectly, Nell wasn't sure. "Allison Reynolds, homosexual fashionista." She placed a manicured hand across her heart as she spoke.
The girl to Allison's left had jet-black hair pulled into a slick ponytail, and she leaned forward over her crossed legs to introduce herself. "Nicole, Andrea's cousin and the most homosexual homosexual you will ever find." She slid her gaze up and down Nell before continuing with, "And how are you today, gorgeous?" Nell raised her brows in confusion at Nicole's flirtatious smirk.
"Nicole! Not again!" Lola chided, and the girl rolled her eyes, slumped into her chair, and mumbled a comment about not being allowed to have fun.
A guy with a bright red buzz cut chuckled and gave Nicole a firm pat on the shoulder. "Ignore her, she's always like this. Cody," they said with a flick on their hand toward their face which was covered in metal. "Piercing enthusiast and another non-discriminating homosexual." They gave a cheeky grin toward Moreau.
"Hey! I'm Jeremy Knox, I'm learning yo-yo tricks at the moment, and I've been gay for quite a few years now." He seemed to radiate the sun despite the pretty dim situation they were all in.
When Lola cleared her throat, Nell directed her attention toward the woman, who looked far too happy.
"Now Nell, why don't you start your confession off by telling us what made you realize you might be interested in women."
"Nothing made me realize that," she said simply. Lola's lips thinned into a disapproving line, and everyone silently waited for Nell to continue.
"No. I'm not a homosexual. I play Exy. I'm a striker," Nell said, as if it was obvious what that meant. When everyone still looked confused, she clarified, "Maybe if I was a goalie, but a striker? Strikers aren't gay."
"Isn't Exy, like… a really gay sport?" Nicole asked.
"What?"
"I mean—I've never played, but it's kind of known for being really gay," Nicole explained with a teasing tone. She added a completely unnecessary and dramatic limp wrist as she continued. "Like, flamboyantly homosexual."
Renee let out a small gasp of horror. Kevin looked like steam was going to come out of his ears cartoon style.
"No it is not!" Kevin crossed his arms tight over his chest, settling his glare toward Nicole. "Exy's absolutely straight."
Andrea stopped tapping her fingers against her chair and looked away from Nell for the first time in the past three minutes. With the heavy weight of her gaze lifted, Nell felt like she could breathe again.
"I bet it's about as straight as you are, Kev." Andrea's expression stayed blank even as Kevin's eye twitched in irritation, and she put her focus back on the red head in front of her.
Nell only stared at Andrea for a second longer, opting to look at Nicole instead. "Anyways… maybe it's known for that, but that doesn't make it true. Just because it's labeled as a more masculine sport doesn't make it gay. Women being strong and talented in a male-dominated field should be allowed."
Nicole nodded solemnly. "True, true, feminism and all that, but running around in little uniforms and sweating will never not be gay to me."
"So you don't think you're a homosexual," Lola interjected before Kevin had the chance to let out the dramatic sigh he was revving up. "And you said earlier that you don't swing. Do you think not swinging is normal for someone your age?"
"Sure," Nell said, noncommittally.
"But you've been pursued before and rejected them?"
"Yes."
"Why is that?" Renee asked unhelpfully, but she seemed genuinely curious.
Nell thought about it for a moment. "Because I didn't know them,” she finally answered. “What, am I supposed to be attracted to every man who speaks to me?"
"Yes! Of course!" Lola lowered her voice a notch to add, "well, at least one of them. Normal girls don't view men and women's attractiveness equally."
Nell didn't think everyone was equally attractive; she could recognize attractiveness just fine, she just never really wanted someone. Anytime she thought she could like someone— the kind boy from 5th grade, or the girl from her 8th grade history class who she started getting close to until she moved very suddenly— she would pull away the second she had any kind of thoughts that could turn romantic. Nell's life was too messy, too fucked, too secluded to leave room for anyone other than herself, her mother, and Exy.
"I thought everybody was like that," she said, almost a whisper.
"Well, we know Jeremy sure as hell isn't. Never seen someone so man-obsessed in my life," Allison teased, earning a chuckle from Cody. Nell could see Jeremy's mouth fall open in shock out of the corner of her eye, but she couldn't look up from the ground. Pieces of her hair fell forward to obstruct her view.
"Do you see it now, Nell?" Lola asked gently, standing to place a hand on her shoulder. "Can you admit the truth?"
Although she didn't quite believe it, Nell was getting far too uncomfortable being psychoanalyzed in front of so many people who wanted to pry their way into her mind, so she dug deep and pulled out the talents she’d gotten from her brief time on the run with her mother.
Her expression switched from devastation to acceptance smoothly as she spoke.
"I'm a homosexual." She let the awe seep into her voice. She looked up at Lola, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind her ear, and displayed a sorrowful, innocent smile on her face. "I understand now. You were right. I'm a homosexual. I can't believe I didn't see it before."
"Congratulations Nell, you have just completed the first step in your true direction!" Lola looked ecstatic, clapping for Nell's accomplishment. Everyone in the circle soon joined in.
Nell let her eyes sweep over everyone in the room. Most looked happy for her, some sympathetic for her struggle, but only one person stood out. Andrea wasn't clapping, and her expression was hard to read. It looked almost as apathetic as it had before, but there was a slight pinch to her brows and maybe, just maybe, the hint of something in her hazel eyes. Nell wanted to understand it, and she found that it took a concentrated effort to tear her gaze away.
✭
Changing out of the thin medical gown was a breath of fresh air in the humidity of this camp, so much so that Nell didn't even register the ridiculousness of the uniform when she caught her reflection in the mirror. When she looked up too far and met the familiar glacier of her eyes, she flinched, shook off the nausea roiling in her stomach, and headed to the cafeteria.
Dinner started off smoothly and consisted of a shocking range of meals. Nell expected prison level gruel.
She settled for a simple sandwich and headed toward the table that seated almost everyone. Nicole and Andrea sat isolated with Nicole talking excessively at her cousin, who was more interested in ripping her sandwich apart.
"Congrats on completing step one, Junkie,” Andrea said as Nell walked past her. “You are officially one of the freaks!"
Junkie?
Nell looked back for a split second, focused on the black arm bands rather than Andrea’s eyes. She didn’t need to see them. Nell could feel the weight of them on her like they were taking her apart. She looked forward again to avoid tripping on her way to the open spot by Boyd.
"Ignore her. She gave the other passionate people in the group odd nicknames too during our introductions," Dan explained from across the table.
"And freaks is endearing."
Nell gave Renee a questioning look, but Jean spoke before she could ask.
"In what way is 'freaks' an endearing term?"
"That's how Americans show love, Parisian." Cody took a large bite of their sandwich that muffled their laughter at Jean's indignant scoff.
"I'm not Parisian." Jean attempted to replicate Cody's butchered pronunciation. "I'm from Marseille."
"Same difference."
The two entered a hushed argument after that which ended up being more of a one sided argument of Jean lecturing Cody on French geography.
Boyd lightly pushed Nell's shoulder with a drawn out, "Anyways…"
"How excited is everyone to go on this healing journey?" Renee asked with a smile that still didn't reach her eyes.
A few nodded to signal their excitement, including Kevin and Dan. Jeremy dipped his head in what could be a nod but looked more like lowering his head for an execution. His eyes stayed trained on one spot, and Nell followed his line of sight to Jean's hands as he passionately responded to Cody's continued antagonizing. A few spaces to Nell's left Allison perked up, placing her palms flat against the table and extending her arms as much as she could while remaining seated.
"Oh, yes, I'm so ready for the de-homoification process! I get to be healed from the pain of being into girls." She tilted her head to the side and flashed a sultry grin at Renee.
Renee apparently didn't pick up on the heavy sarcasm and mocking nature of Allison's words. "It will really be so fun. The process to become normal again will be like any other summer camp, it'll be a breeze."