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It’s the one year anniversary of his death.
If you asked 4C how he felt about it, he would tell you that it has felt like much longer. Multiple years, an eternity, even. He didn’t know how much he actually needed Nom until he was gone.
Visiting his grave yet again, familiar footsteps sound behind him. Katie, their sister. The expression on her face makes him wince, but he says nothing. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to comfort her, when he can’t even comfort himself? All he does is lie to himself, he tells himself it’s all fine, that Nom isn’t gone for good and nothing is wrong— it’s all lies to try and make himself feel better. They never work.
Of course, he has people around him to support him. Of course, he has friends and family. But it’ll never be the same, at all.
He forces himself to snap out of his thoughts. He can’t be so selfish right now, not when Katie is here. She’s actually related to him, she knew him his whole life, she grew up with him... 4C can’t imagine how she feels right now.
How can he sit here and feel bad for himself when it’s so much worse for her?
The silence is stifling. It makes him want to say something, anything, but most of what he can think about right now are stupid jokes and he’s not sure she would appreciate those.
But another thing the silence brings to mind is something he’s wanted to ask for a while now, something important that he’s wondered about. He just… hopes she doesn’t take it too badly.
“Hey, do you, um... remember what he looks like?” He asks hesitantly, almost as if he’s discussing a crime instead of how their dead brother looks.
Katie frowns, and looks somewhat confused, but explains anyways. “Yeah, he was always wearing that armour, remember?”
“No, I mean.... his face. His eyes. What colour were they?” 4C questions. His mind races. What colour were his eyes, actually? What did his smile look like? What was the shape of his nose? What-
“Weren’t his eyes brown?” Katie asks, but she sounds far too hesitant for 4C’s liking. How could they forget? It’s only been one year.
“I thought they were yellow,” 4C mutters, his voice hushed. Katie seems to contemplate that, both of them sitting in silence for a few agonising moments.
It’s awkward to the point that 4C wishes he hadn’t said anything at all.
“Yeah, I remember him with yellow eyes too... but I thought they were brown,” Katie mumbles, sounding unsure. Have their memory been tainted by that thing, the one that stole his body and took his life? Do they remember him or do they just remember the corruption?
The thought makes 4C’s mind race. Which Nom does he really remember? He wishes he remembered the kind, sweet, caring Nom better but at the end of the day his memories are ones of a corrupt king and a creaking man. He wants to remember the Nom he loved, not...
“I can’t remember what he looks like,” 4C rushes out, eyes darting and words panicked. He can’t remember. Why? Why is all he can remember a tyrant, someone who killed him, a knight who withered away in front of his eyes and not the caring Nom that saved his life that day? Why is all he can remember a monster?
Katie is quiet. Eerily quiet. It unnerves 4C, makes him feel worse. She’s supposed to be laughing and smiling and joking. They’re supposed to be playing farkle. Nom is supposed to be here with them. 4C tries to picture Nom with them, here, right now, smiling, laughing, training or playing farkle or in the arena but—
All he can see is the face of a monster. A deformed, melting face. A man— if you could even call him one at that stage— decaying and crumbling.
Or, on the other hand, a tyrant with empty eyes and a wicked grin. Wielding a mace and killing because he is a weapon and nothing more. What was it he said? That 4C was right to be afraid of him?
He doesn’t realise how far gone he is until he feels Katie pulling him into her arms. She hugs him like she’s desperate, and he hugs her back as if it’ll fix any of this. It won’t. They both won’t remember what he really looked like, their memories poisoned by a King who should’ve been long gone.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, ashamed to have brought the topic up. He knows Katie is upset, he shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have brought Nom’s appearance up, at all. God, all he does is mess things up. Silly mistake after silly mistake.
“It’s okay,” Katie whispers back, and 4C doesn’t really know why he’s surprised, but he is anyways. The silence he dislikes so much comes back, but it’s not as bad when he’s in Katie’s arms.
Maybe they could actually recover from his death, someday. If they stick together, if they try to remember the good, not the bad, they could do it. 4C is sure of that.
4C feels a slight chill surround them both but he dismisses it as nothing more than a gust of wind, a fleeting thing. That’s all.
After all, Nom isn’t with them anymore.