Chapter Text
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02/20/2015. Lee Donghyuck
273 Ttukseom-ro, Seongdong-gu,
Seoul.
Huang Renjun ˙ᵕ˙
3149-17 Gasi-ri, Pyoseon-myeon,
Seogwipo-si, Jeju.
Dear Renjun, I’m writing this after landing in Seoul. My mom said it’s too soon to write, but I fear you might forget about me if I don’t. So please don’t. I’ll try to write a lot, okay? Even though I know what you said before, I know you didn't mean it.
It was really hard for me to understand when you said you didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and I was hurt at first. Your words made me really upset, and I didn't think about what you felt. But when I talked to my mom, she said that every reaction has a reason, and that you were probably just sad because you felt I was leaving you behind.
I am not. Worst thing about moving out is not being able to be with you. I suck at making friends. I don’t think I want to have new friends, because they won’t be you. I have to go now, but I'll write a lot, okay?
Yours truly, Haechan.
2024.
Donghyuck didn’t know how he found out he was not as straight as he thought he was because of one night.
The week had hollowed him out, having procrastinated on material he shouldn’t have, only to be confronted with midterms a week away in his final year of sociology. His study methods had never been the healthiest, and even though aware of them, he’d preferred to relax only to cram like crazy, trying to salvage the grade that would likely define his damn degree. Although Donghyuck never took it for granted, it was a fact—by some miracle, Donghyuck always passed. Was burning his brain cells pulling all-nighters his key to success?
After finally getting the sleep he hadn’t gotten for a week, he went from Friday afternoon to Saturday noon in the blink of an eye. Fourteen hours of sleep swallowed him whole and spat him back out disoriented. And, as if his sudden disappearance didn’t alarm his friends and they had boundless energy (seriously, how was it possible they didn’t look tired?), he woke up to new messages from Jaemin.
A haii followed by a party tonight? a friend of jisung invited us, which he observed with heavy eyes for a few long seconds before processing the information. In retrospect, he initially wrote a paragraph along the lines of: Who would think of throwing a party at this time of year? Were they insane? And how could Jisung and Jaemin actually want to go to a party? Had his friends been abducted and replaced by aliens who had no idea what they were actually like? To then simply send an “ok yeah. sure.”
To be honest, Donghyuck didn’t quite understand why he’d even tried to refuse in the first place. Maybe it was the way his muscles ached and his back felt permanently beyond repair from his terrible sitting posture, and consequently, there was a little whisper from his brain saying that maybe, just maybe, he deserved a proper rest and not a half-hearted one. But there was something fundamentally broken in him that resisted stillness, so even after actually considering it for a few seconds, he stopped pretending like he actually cared about it - a party was a party, and his friends actually offering to go to one without being coerced to was rare and something he didn’t want to miss.
Although he wasn’t particularly a big fashionista, he made a great effort to look presentable, trying to counteract the tiredness in his face (zombie vibes + nice outfit = normal looking?). Whatever it was, Donghyuck believed he did a good job with his outfit, dressed well enough to pass as someone who had his life together, though he really thought it all came down to his favorite leather jacket, which he only wore on special occasions. Special occasions meant he was excited to go out. This subconscious thought of I look kinda hot became an actual fact when Jaemin confirmed that he did look good, receiving a compliment from him upon his arrival. It wasn’t much, really. But if Jaemin said it, he meant it. So it stuck. Donghyuck tried not to let it go to his head, but it was difficult.
“You like Jeno!?”
His scream was loud enough to make people turn their heads, cutting through the light environment instantly. If Donghyuck had had a drink in his mouth during that split second when the information reached his ears, he probably would have spat it all out onto the party organizer’s visibly expensive couch. More than an overreaction, Donghyuck believed that he could have reacted way worse than that. However, for his own dignity and that of his two friends, he swallowed it down and clamped his mouth shut.
This shifted the whole situation within his friend group, or what Donghyuck thought he understood about the three of them. He had spent an embarrassing amount of time half-convinced that Jisung and Jaemin were fucking each other in secret. But it wasn’t like he could confirm it, since his gaydar was off by miles. That had a pretty reasonable explanation, because he wasn’t gay - it was just that for some reason, his whole group of friends was like an epic Avengers reunion, only instead of having superpowers, they were all gay or lesbian. Was there a reasonable explanation for his close friends to make him feel like the minority, being a cisgender heterosexual man?
His gaze flickered over the party, but out of the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of Jisung with tensed shoulders, and then Jaemin, his smile faltering a little more than usual.
If Jaemin liked someone and that someone was Donghyuck’s friend from college, then it all made sense. Why did they both want to come to a party out of the blue, and specifically one hosted by a guy from his uni, even though Jaemin and Jisung were attending a different one? The convenient way his shy Jisung suddenly became friends with someone Donghyuck didn’t even know from his Political Science department, and the most important thing - why they had been visiting him regularly lately.
“Yes, I do,” Jaemin answered a few seconds after making sure no one else could hear them, but the crowd had already swallowed any potential witnesses, and even the nosy ones were already off, probably looking for someone to hook up with tonight.
“That’s why you didn’t tell me why you wanted to come. God. Why wouldn’t you? His ass is gay, too.”
“Because I don’t know if I have a chance, and I don’t want to make things awkward by trying to flirt with your only friend in uni.”
“Excuse me?” Donghyuck scoffed, knowing Jaemin meant it as a joke. “I have other friends too.”
“Apart from Jeno and Aeri? If you mean outside of uni, we don’t count.”
“Yep,” was the only thing Jisung added with a little pop sound at the end, a mocking complicity.
Wow. Donghyuck didn’t need a direct attack to respect Jaemin’s decision not to tell Jeno. With a big sigh, Donghyuck gave up before even thinking about a counterattack, because the worst part was that he couldn’t even argue. Yes, he had friends, it was just that at this stage of his life, he preferred a more intimate circle. It didn’t matter if most of his relationships were shallow and lacked emotional depth, because that was enough for him. It used to frustrate him when people got angry about his lack of effort in going out, and then he met Jeno. He fit right into his routine - just like him, he just wanted to go home and sleep.
So maybe Jaemin did have a point; it wouldn’t be a wise decision to get involved with someone so close to Donghyuck. He couldn’t help but wonder if that was the only thing Jaemin was worried about, since he almost never shared what was troubling him.
“Ugh, whatever. You should’ve just told me you liked him. He is not coming, by the way, I’m telling you.”
Despite the fact that Donghyuck’s words should provoke a negative reaction from Jaemin, his shoulders loosened instead, a quiet breath slipping out. Perhaps Jaemin hadn’t noticed how tense he was until he let out a wry sigh along with a shake of his head. “Then why did we come? I really should’ve asked you first.”
“Well, yes. Because now we’re bored and there is no action happening here, unless Jisung and this new friend of his, the house owner…”
“Don’t like him.”
Too fast for a casual rejection. Even though that was just how Jisung was, it was inevitable to think that his reaction stemmed more from the fact that he was too busy with a secret someone to fall in love with someone else.
“Right, Jisung only likes Donghyuckie,” Jaemin added.
Isn’t it you who he likes? The thought crossed his mind, but for obvious reasons, he didn’t say it.
“Is that so? Sorry, I’m straight. Maybe in another life I’m a super hot gay man who can give you what you want.”
“Yuck.”
The conversation should have ended there. The atmosphere felt light after the little joke, but Jaemin seemed troubled enough to speak. “Seriously, don’t say a word about this, Hyuck,” Jaemin broke the silence with a worried tone, as if he really needed to confirm that none of this would be disclosed. “Please.”
It wasn’t like Jaemin to act like this. He tried not to take it personally, because Jaemin was his best friend and he would never expose him to others, but it was difficult to do so when Jaemin seemed to question Donghyuck’s ability to keep a secret. After considering it seriously for a few seconds, he deemed it unnecessary to continue justifying something that should be taken for granted, like his loyalty.
“Yeah, of course.” Before Jaemin could continue to push the issue and Donghyuck started feeling hurt by something that wasn’t about him, he preferred to make an excuse to leave. “I’ll go grab a beer, you guys have fun.”
Jisung didn’t seem surprised by Donghyuck’s attitude, taking his place next to Jaemin once he stood up. When he separated from his small group, Donghyuck slipped out of the crowded living room quickly before Jaemin reacted and told them they should leave instead. They could have just stayed home and shared a family-sized pizza, it was true. But Donghyuck dismissed the idea of going back out now. There was something about the night that made him want to be far, far away from everything he considered familiar.
When he reached the kitchen, it was a bit quieter and less suffocating, though the thumping music seeped in under the door, and the smell of alcohol was still there. It wasn’t perfect, but he could breathe and think in peace. Slowly, he grabbed a cold beer from the refrigerator. There was no one else in the kitchen but him, and he felt a little sleepy all of a sudden. He already had a history of sleeping in unconventional places at parties, so he went out before adding one more.
As he weaved through the crowd with a freshly opened can of beer, he wondered what he should do. He didn’t consider himself extremely petty, but he didn’t feel like going back to his friends at that moment.
Wondering if he should go back anyway or find someone to pass the time with, the mere thought of it gave him chills. The reason for it was that last time, he’d been gloriously rejected by a girl who gave him a long explanation of why she didn’t date bisexual guys. Last time he checked, he was, in fact, not bisexual.
But was it a crime to want to dance? Parties weren’t meant to be observed from the sidelines, and his body could use some fun. If he thought about it, he was just as lonely as everyone else there.
With a goal in mind, he took approximately six steps before he bumped into someone.
Thud.
“Oh shit-”
The impact was abrupt and totally his fault. The girl who got pushed stumbled slightly before catching herself, her own cup of beer narrowly avoiding falling on her or someone else. When she looked up, her brows furrowed together in anger, clearly unimpressed by his unapologetic attitude. In his defense, Donghyuck was also trying to save his own cup of beer from falling. Before he could open his mouth, something flickered in the girl’s face. Recognition, perhaps.
The expression of surprise that followed changed radically from the annoyed attitude she showed before. “Wait! You’re Jisung’s friend, right?”
He blinked, reaction too slow to play it off. “Uh- yeah,” Donghyuck said, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. “Yeah, I am. How do you know him?” And how did Jisung know more people there than he did if this party was technically organized by someone from his uni?
She leaned a little closer, probably because the music spiked louder, the last chorus of the song rolling in. The music with heavy synths pulsed through the walls, and the music coursed through his veins, or so it felt, if that were possible. Actually, this girl was really pretty, he just noticed.
“I saw you guys coming in together! He’s friends with Chenle and Renjun.”
Donghyuck caught most of it, Chenle’s name landed clearly — the owner of the house, party organizer, Jisung’s new friend. The other one got partially lost in the noise, but it rang somewhere in his brain anyway. It was a déjà vu without resolution, too much happening around him to try and remember without losing the moment he was currently in. He lost that name in his head instead, thought long lost in the crowd when the song changed, the rhythm spiking with an electric beat.
The girl’s reaction was immediate, and Donghyuck wondered if she was a little tipsy. It was mostly the energy that she radiated. He couldn’t say for sure, but it didn’t seem like she really was, because when she yelled again, her breath didn’t reek of alcohol at all.
“Oh my god! I love, love,” she gasped. “love this song!”
Donghyuck’s memory worked miraculously at that moment. If it weren’t for Jeno and Aeri, he wouldn’t know this song. It’s just that he’d seen his friends do that one TikTok dance to the song so many times he ended up humming to its rhythm day and night until he finally added it to his playlist. It’s with that same song he used to have nightmares with because his friends didn’t stop singing to it, that he finally felt the layer of tiredness he’d been dragging around for weeks beginning to dissipate along with the tension in his chest, far from the romantic drama of his friends, his studies, his parents. Perhaps talking to someone who didn’t know him was the reason, feeling refreshed all of a sudden.
“I love this song too.” He echoed, a smile breaking through. It was technically not a lie, he really did like it, but it was an exaggeration. The music he usually listened to wasn’t gay pop, this one making the cut for being too catchy.
It seemed his words made the effect he hoped they would. She turned her eyes back to him immediately, eyes bright as she reached for his wrist. It’s a direct invitation, and although there were no words, her body language screamed let’s dance. It’s like it didn’t matter that Donghyuck almost pushed her to the floor by accident a minute ago; problem solved and forgotten just for being friends with Jisung and liking a Charli XCX song. If she didn’t care, neither did he.
With a quick nod, Donghyuck took the unknown’s hand between his. It didn’t seem to surprise her; instead, she smiled once again. Before Donghyuck could take another sip of his beer, she suddenly plucked the drink straight from his lips and shoved it into the hands of some confused guy passing by, not even checking if he agreed. A shout of “Hold this! Thanks!” was all the guy got for context.
She pulled him into the crowd and said stuff he didn’t really catch thanks to the loud music, but pretended to hear anyway. There was barely any space between them even though the living room was huge, bodies moving from all directions bumping into them. The music swallowed them whole. Donghyuck was suddenly dancing with a striking girl all of a sudden, and he couldn’t help but feel inevitably attracted. He wasn’t trying to make the girl in front of him laugh with his dance moves, but he took it anyway when she danced back, cackling.
What Donghyuck managed to figure out after a few seconds, was the way his skin was burning under the girl’s fingertips, warm on a night that made the cold start to seep through his clothes. She didn’t let go of his hand, not once. It was nice. Her fingers stayed hooked loosely around his wrist, pulling him every time the beat dropped, spinning around in an effortlessly cute way to dance. Donghyuck wondered if she was holding him just so he wouldn’t leave, because he had no intention of doing so.
Best of it all, she was totally his type. Long, black hair, cat eyes, pale skin… Donghyuck let out a quiet breath of disbelief, wondering what god had taken pity on him that day to present him with this opportunity. The one in charge of students who were one attendance skip away from failing a class, maybe.
“What’s your name?” he asked, leaning in closer.
“Ning Yizhuo! But call me Ningning. You?”
The song changed. Donghyuck laughed under his breath, shaking his head slightly. He’d skipped a thousand steps; they didn’t even know their names. But the night was young, and Donghyuck really hoped he wasn’t misinterpreting her intentions.
“Donghyuck. Call me whatever you want, honestly.”
It seemed to do the trick. Either that, or this girl really loved to smile and laugh. Donghyuck couldn’t remember the last time he had sex, or even kissed a girl. It was mainly a combination of not having much time for dating and hanging out with a group known for being quite open about their sexual preferences. But maybe it wasn’t necessary to overthink if Ningning was really into him. That’s just how Donghyuck was; if it was a yes, it was good, and if it was a no, that was fine too.
He leaned in. Not slow, but not rushed either, with the intentional purpose of giving her time to react. That’s how he ended up with his lips half way to her lips, and when he felt the pressure of something on his mouth, it wasn’t the soft texture of lips nor their characteristic warmth, but rather the firm palm of hers pressing lightly against his mouth.
“Sorry,” Ningning said quickly, not pulling away but maintaining a distance that felt bigger than Donghyuck felt before. Her expression shifted into something apologetic, but her attitude became colder. “I thought you were gay. Aren’t you? I am a lesbian, by the way.”
The illusion cracked completely. For a second or two, there was the usual flicker of again? But it went away almost immediately. This wasn’t new. This situation had happened far more times than he’d like, though not always in the same way. At some point, it stopped bothering him. Not that it ever bothered him, because it didn’t, but he’d never doubted his heterosexuality. He thought of himself as very open-minded, truly embodying the meaning of what being an ally meant. Over time, he’d come to understand that he didn’t mind being seen as one, and that was the best proof of his non-fragile masculinity.
If anything, it was funny how people always thought the same. Half a laugh formed from Donghyuck’s chest as Ningning pulled away her hand.
“It’s okay, I get that a lot. It’s fine. My bad for liking Charli XCX’s songs.” His usual grin came back as if nothing happened. Because it didn’t, he was really fine. “We can still dance if you want to. Song is good and I haven’t shown you half of my dance moves.”
She put her walls down almost immediately. Donghyuck wasn’t new to this and knew what to say, to act like it didn’t matter. It wasn’t her fault anyway — she deserved for him to act kindly, and in return, Ningning looked at him warmly. “I like you, Donghyuck, you’re a good guy,” she said, but this time Donghyuck didn’t doubt her intentions. “I have a friend just like you, actually.”
Donghyuck raised a brow with an amused smile. He didn’t understand what she meant by that, but he didn’t think Ningning wanted him to, thanks to the lack of context in her words. Did she mean straight? With no sense of self-dignity? “Do you?”
“Yes.” she nodded quickly, excitement snapping right back. “His name is Mark, but you should meet all of my friends. You’re totally getting along with them!”
Before he had a chance to think it through or decline it, she linked their arms together. Donghyuck concluded his final perception of her: Ningning was impulsive, perhaps too much for her own good. There was a tiny part of him that hesitated about following along, wanting to check on his friends and his pride still stinging just a little. But when the memory of Jaemin and Jisung saying he didn’t have any more friends than the two of them and Jeno came back, Donghyuck let himself be swayed through the crowd.
Who was the one socializing now? Him.
He heard Ningning call out to someone, to an actual big friend group packed on the corner of the living room. She was still holding onto his arm when he became the center of attention and many pairs of eyes were upon him, waiting for him to talk.
The bad habit of scratching the back of his neck haunted him at all times, even for something as simple as saying hello to people he didn’t know. Donghyuck barely managed to open his mouth to talk before lifting his gaze from the floor when he saw something, someone, that made him freeze in place. It’s just a little ahead of him that he met the guy’s gaze, over anyone else. He stood resting against the wall, one thumb scrolling lazily over his phone, not stopping even when their eyes met. It’s because his reaction was delayed, not reacting at first, but he caught Donghyuck’s attitude and mirrored it eventually. Eyes opened widely for as little as a second, being able to go unnoticed by everyone but Donghyuck.
For a moment, Donghyuck felt like he was trapped in a movie, or even becoming the victim of a prank.
Under the dim lighting, it was hard to recognize someone you weren’t very close to. It was difficult to discern each person’s features in general, so it should have been impossible for him to recognize someone he hadn’t seen in almost a decade immediately. But Donghyuck swore he could never mistake those eyes, unforgettable ones he used to look at and vowed never to forget. He felt the name rolling out of his tongue before he could think it through.
“Renjun?”
For a second, the man in front of him froze. Donghyuck felt embarrassed because he wouldn’t socially recover from mistaking a random person for someone else the first time they’d ever met. But he really did look like that tiny boy he used to know very well when he lived by the beach, the wind from the waves hitting his own face as he watched Renjun talking, lying on the sand. Those old memories came flooding back at the sight of a familiar face, without even knowing if it was really him. Before he could apologize for it, the boy parted his lips slightly, his mouth curving into a smile.
“Haechan,”
The name hit a lot harder than he expected. Donghyuck felt something weird pressing against his chest, instantly tightening to a nickname he hadn’t heard in a while. It wasn’t the same sweet and childish tone he used to hear back then, but there was still familiarity in that single word. Almost a decade had passed by without someone calling him that. The reason was obvious in his eyes, of course, since it was something just between them, or so it felt. Donghyuck had never dared to introduce himself like that when he moved to Seoul, too worried about what Renjun would think of him using the nickname given to him.
Lost in the moment, he only snapped out of it when he heard someone coughing after choking on their glass full of something, the contents of which Donghyuck could not guess, since there were a whole lot of drinks in the kitchen. After that, he suddenly became hyper-aware of the way he was standing, how other people were looking at him, that he hadn’t introduced himself to the rest of Yizhuo’s friends. The scene made heat creep up his neck, not subtle enough as he would like.
“Wait, do you guys know each other?” Ningning cut in, looking between them with curious eyes.
“We- Yes, we do.” It was Renjun recognizing him that gave him the courage to speak. Donghyuck could only nod with a polite smile.
More than just knowing each other. Whenever Donghyuck's mind crept back to living in Jeju, Renjun was the most irreplaceable part of those memories. They were always together, all the time.
“We were childhood best friends,” Renjun explained, thanks to the lack of context Donghyuck provided. That made him realize he should’ve kept talking instead of daydreaming again. “or something like that. We hadn’t seen each other in like, what? Nine, ten years? How have you been, Haech-, uh, Hyuck?”
Donghyuck could hear Ningning talking over him, but this time, he didn't really catch it. His gaze didn't leave Renjun, even when he stopped speaking. “I’d been doing okay,” and you? He wanted to ask, but the moment they were in the spotlight was gone in an instant when a new guy arrived. It was a party; it was normal that a reunion wasn't the main focus of the evening, but words were stuck in Donghyuck's throat anyway. He didn't blame the others for their attitude, they didn't know what Renjun had meant to him in his childhood, because no one ever could.
“Wow, that’s crazy. Like actually,” Ningning said, but just like her friends, she reflected their state of distraction. They didn't really care. At least she feigned a bit more interest, which was nice of her. “—Guys! Okay, guys. This is Donghyuck. Donghyuck, right?”
“Yeah.” Although he didn't add anything further, and perhaps he should have, it didn't seem like he was being judged for it. The people around him may have attributed his limited speech to shyness when, in reality, he was just reeling from his tiny interaction with Renjun.
The others' introductions followed after his silence, some sober enough to be polite and offer a smile, an acknowledgment of his presence. Chenle, Mark, Minjeong… Others, however, were a bit tipsy, their names spilling out between blurred words. Donghyuck lost the count and started forgetting names, not caring enough to ask people who were one drink away from throwing up to repeat their names for him. Even though he feigned courtesy, he stopped pretending shortly after, glancing to his side almost immediately, where Renjun had been leaning.
To his surprise, he was still there, looking at him with attentive eyes and a half-smile. As respectful as Donghyuck remembered he was, Renjun waited for the people around them to finish talking before approaching him, closing the distance between them to stand in front of Donghyuck.
“Hi,” Renjun said, maintaining eye contact the entire time. It was Donghyuck who broke it. “Do you want to get some drinks with me? This is crazy.”
Oh. For some reason, even though he was rejected by the woman of his dreams just a few minutes ago (It was an exaggeration, but that didn't make his pride hurt any less), Donghyuck didn't feel any regret about where fate had led him that night. He didn't know why everything under his skin was tingling nervously, but he attributed it to the fact that there was someone there who really saw him and knew him, or had known him. But Donghyuck didn't feel like he'd changed much; he was still a kid in an adult's body. Secretly, he enjoyed watching My Little Pony movies with his little cousin on Friday nights.
“Yeah, sure.”
Later that night, he would remember Ningning taking him there to meet Mark. For some reason, the only face he could remember from that night was Renjun's.
The walk to the kitchen ended up being tedious because so many people kept stopping them halfway there to try to talk to Renjun. Donghyuck didn't want to dwell too much on how some guys' fingers lingered too long on Renjun's waist, because it wasn't really something to wonder about at a reunion. It turned out that choosing alcohol was much quicker, taking only a couple of seconds as Renjun grabbed a couple of beers and Donghyuck nodded in affirmation. For such a dead conversation, he didn't feel awkward at all. As they left the kitchen, their reluctance to walk through that crowd of drunk people who couldn't keep their hands to themselves seemed mutual, so Renjun ended up guiding him to a slightly more secluded spot.
The house was truly spacious. Meaning, luxurious. Donghyuck couldn't afford something like this even in his dreams, so he took the opportunity to appreciate the view before it disappeared. When Renjun finally stopped, Donghyuck decided to look ahead to find their destination. Despite the overflowing wealth of this house, the balcony Renjun had led him to seemed simple and small, with a lovely view and two chairs facing each other with a small table in the center. Donghyuck liked it.
“This is nice,” Donghyuck said between both a sigh and a yawn as he passed by the sliding glass door previously opened by Renjun.
“It is.”
Renjun didn't seem like much of a talker, but since he was the one who reached out, Donghyuck had no doubt about his genuine intention to reconnect, even if it was just for a few minutes. For some reason, his skin tingled intensely, and beneath it lay a deep feeling of not wanting to be boring, at least not that night. There's something meaningful about wanting to impress someone who watched you grow up and doesn't know how you became. Cooler, kinder?
As they sat down, Renjun still didn't say a word, but he looked at him intently with droopy eyes. Donghyuck wasn't used to being looked at like this, he was accustomed to being the one who listened and responded to people as of lately. It wasn't a good idea to fall back into old habits every time he was this nervous, but he decided there was a reward he deserved that night that might help him become more relaxed in the eyes of an old friend.
“Sorry, mind if I smoke?”
“Did you smoke?” Renjun asked with wide eyes, not enough to be considered an overreaction, but it did show his surprise.
“Uh, yeah,” He didn't know if the answer was good or bad. He was usually considerate of those around him, so his hand remained lingering in his pocket, ready to withdraw if Renjun said no. “I’m trying to quit, though.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?"
“Nothing, it's just strange seeing you like this. Last time we saw each other we weren’t irresponsible adults like this.” A genuine smile bloomed on his face. “You can smoke, it’s fine.”
“Thank you,” Donghyuck said, taking his sweet time to take a cigarette out and light it up. Fortunately for him and what was left of his dignity, the lighter worked right on the first try. “Yeah, I guess it’s kind of strange. How have you been, Renjun? I didn’t know you were in Seoul. When I went back to Jeju, you weren’t there anymore, and your mom could barely look at me… Well, when could she?”
The memories and feelings seemed distant to him now, but there was a hint of resentment in his words. He didn't know if it was that or the mention of his mother, but something seemed to throw off Renjun. “She has gotten old now, but is as grumpy as ever. We don’t talk much. I went to live in Jilin with my grandparents months after you left and moved to Seoul for uni. It’s not an interesting story, but I’ve been fine. I feet like I could actually breathe there, it was crazy.”
There was breathing, and there was breathing. Donghyuck remembered what Renjun's family was like, but perhaps assuming that was the reason might be unreasonable, considering they no longer knew each other. Renjun definitely seemed freer than he was, definitely. Considering he was never able to express his sexuality because of his family, his attitude did not show the resentment that Donghyuck would expect.
Renjun didn't mention the fact that Donghyuck seemed to have sought him out some time after they stopped talking, probably because it didn't really surprise him. It's not weird, considering how attached I was to him at that time. Renjun never tried looking for him, at least not as far as Donghyuck knew.
“Oh, I get it. Well, kind of. I still got homesick from time to time. I haven’t been in Jeju for a while. I miss my grandmother.”
“Do you miss living there or what you had there?”
Interesting wording, because if he remembered what he had there, then the first answer that came to his mind was Renjun.
“Both. Seoul is nice, though.”
“Hm. I agree.” Renjun watched Donghyuck's hand and the way his cigarette glowed between his lips, momentarily distracted. Donghyuck didn't say anything about it. “How have you been, Haechan? Oh. You didn’t mind me calling you that, right?”
He didn't. It was a nickname from his past that was never used again, mainly because Donghyuck thought it belonged to him and Renjun. It was almost forgotten, but it brought back memories, both good and bad.
“Ah, no. It's okay, no one calls me like that anymore. But, um, I still like it.” He was quick to clarify, but perhaps his sincerity was evident even without the words because under Renjun's watchful gaze, he could only smile shyly. “I’ve been fine, too. It's my last year of Sociology. Uh, the guy who organized this is from my uni, but I don’t really know him? He is a friend of a friend, yeah.”
“You mean Chenle. He is like, my best friend. But I don't attend this university. What a shame, we could’ve met each other sooner.”
It could be that Renjun was only saying it out of politeness, but Donghyuck couldn't hold his smile back. It's something his younger self would've spent hours giggling about. “That would’ve been cool. What was your major?”
“Biochem. I'm in my last year too. We have little left, and, for that…” He said as he opened both beers that remained untouched on the small table that separated them, sliding one towards Donghyuck, who quickly burned the butt of his cigarette to toast with him.
Renjun seemed to be delicate even when he was drinking. The way he did it was strangely elegant for a cheap beer, so he couldn't help the way his gaze lingered a little too much on it.
“Do you like beer?” He asked once Renjun looked back at him, hoping he hadn't made him uncomfortable.
“Ah, yeah. I prefer a good glass of wine, though... Did that sound too fancy?”
“Nah, it's okay, I like wine too. But I don’t think I would drink it at a party," Donghyuck preferred drinking wine on dates. It was a romantic touch. But he hadn't dated in over a year, so he drank it alone. "it feels a little too intimate to share with strangers."
“Are we?”
The way Renjun asked didn't come from a place of sadness. After all those years, he still knew how to keep his composure. If Donghyuck were honest with himself, he'd say it was true, they were strangers. But did strangers know everything about you, even what you swore to forget?
“I didn't mean you were one.” Of everything they'd discussed, this was the only thing that seemed to have hurt him. A hint of sadness appeared in his eyes for a split second before disappearing.
He said nothing about it, leaving Donghyuck wondering what it was about. “Were you drinking before with Ningning? Do you know her?”
“Ah, not really?” The question caught him off guard. It felt too specific, and Donghyuck wondered if he was overthinking it. “We were just dancing.”
“Oh... Just so you know, Yizhuo is...”
“Lesbian. Yes, don't worry.” Saying it didn't bother him. Strangely, out there with Renjun, Ningning's rejection felt distant enough to make it seem like he hadn't been humiliated.
Renjun's face didn't move. “I'm just saying it in case. Straight guys had their hearts broken by her, but she is just overly friendly.”
“Yeah, I got that impression of her. She thought I was gay too, so...”
“Are you?” Renjun asked him and, under his watchful eyes, the moonlight settled beautifully on his face. He had been beautiful when they were kids, but even more now. It didn't make sense that Donghyuck still had those old habits of catching the smallest details of everything Renjun did.
The question was direct. Donghyuck couldn't help but cough. “No, I am not.”
Not that he had any memory of ever doubting his sexuality. Men were gross, and he'd never really been attracted to any of them. The way he squirmed under Renjun's watchful gaze was just a coincidence, perhaps because they hadn't seen each other in a long time. The boy in front of him was still a few inches shorter, definitely scrawnier than he was, and his sharp features were hidden under a layer of glitter and light makeup that made him look softer than he was, until his husky voice reminded him that he was, indeed, a man. He shouldn't have felt intimidated by Renjun, but if that wasn't what he felt, then why were his hands shaking under the table?
“Yeah. You’ve always given off straight vibes, so…” Renjun said, finally breaking eye contact to look at the balcony view neither of them had really appreciated. If Donghyuck still could say he knew him or they were back to being 15, then he would say Renjun looked disappointed. But he didn't know him anymore.
That impression of him was new. Never, or for a long time, had anyone told him he looked straight. Donghyuck had learned to live with it, and therefore, it no longer bothered him.
“Really? I don't think anyone had ever said that to me before. I usually just hung out with gay people and they thought I also was uh, gay, but it didn't really bother me. It's fine.”
“People might get confused,” he conceded. “But my gay radar is pretty good, Haechan.” He said, sweet tone as if the in-between years they cut off contact hadn't happened. “And it also protects me from dating guys who don’t know what they want.”
The implication lingered in the air, and Donghyuck scoffed softly. He didn't know why, but it sounded like a rejection. He said nothing about it.
“Good thing you upgraded from that stupid guy you liked in Jeju.”
That earned him a reaction. Renjun’s expression tightened just enough to confirm his suspicions, and Donghyuck laughed. He really looked at him, and it was a mistake based on the sudden weight in his chest. Renjun hadn’t really changed. The core of him, that thing that used to pull Donghyuck in, was still there. Back to those times when Donghyuck would chase Renjun through the halls of their school, being happy just to be noticed, even if he was treated like a nuisance.
“Well, he was cute. I don’t remember his name, though.” Donghyuck added, trying to distract himself from his own heart, agitated by the memories.
“It was Jaehyun, that one senior. He was a jerk. I never confessed, by the way.”
He didn’t ask why. Mainly because he never wanted to know, and during his childhood he always felt hatred for Jaehyun. How could Renjun love him so much if they hadn't even spoken once? That's what his 14-year-old self thought. Love was blind, his mom told him.
The conversation dissolved after that, the cold slowly freezing Donghyuck's fingers, and though he tried to ignore it, when Renjun shifted in front of him, barely suppressing a shiver, he knew their time was over.
“I’m kind of cold,” Renjun was the one to admit. “Let's go inside again.”
“Sure.”
When they stepped back into the house, the warmth was comforting. They didn't talk on the way back to where everyone else was, yet Donghyuck was hyperaware of the way Renjun trembled slightly beside him, the cold not leaving him yet. It didn't surprise him, since it was a late October night and Renjun was dressed too lightly. Thin, tight clothing couldn't be very warm. He tried not to let his gaze linger too long on how Renjun's collarbones were showing. Maybe he hadn't seen boobs for so long that he was starting to hallucinate.
Donghyuck had this tiny problem. He didn't think too much about stuff he should — it was as if his mind acted on its own. It showed once again when he took off his jacket and draped it over Renjun's shoulders in one motion before looking into the main room a few steps away from them, where their paths would likely diverge once more. It was his favorite jacket, but the feeling of not having it burned less than the brief touch of his fingertips against Renjun's skin.
“It’s not really your style, right? But something’s something.”
Renjun looked down at the jacket, then back at him.
“I take it back.”
“What?”
“You don't seem straight at all.” Despite his brutal honesty, Renjun seemed grateful for the jacket. His calm tone and his serious facial expression didn't match, giving Donghyuck mixed emotions about what that meant.
Donghyuck didn't answer right away. He missed his chance, because after a few seconds, Renjun walked away without another word. He felt fourteen again, trying to avoid what Renjun saw clearly in him that Donghyuck didn't understand. It unsettled him to his core. If there was anyone who should know him, it was himself. After all those years of not caring about other people's opinions about what he was or wasn't, this was the only one that left havoc.
When he walked back into the party, Renjun didn’t look at him anymore. Not once. Donghyuck told himself that it shouldn’t matter. It didn’t matter, really. It was a crowded house, and there were a lot of people there whom he could talk to. And still, his eyes betrayed him. Across the room, through shifting silhouettes of drunk people, he caught glimpses of Renjun, who was the center of attention, who laughed and made silly dances during the night. He also caught the way Renjun's fingers curled tightly around the edges of his jacket.
He looked away.
It's not like Ningning gave him much of a choice. When she found him again, she introduced him to a new girl with a gorgeous smile. She was Karina, Ningning said, and the way her face contorted with a smirk as she did it probably meant something. Karina was beautiful, it's true. Something must have been wrong with him, because under any other circumstance, he would’ve leaned right into it. He tried to. He danced, smiled, and replied at the right moments. Her hands were on his shoulders, on his biceps, and around his neck, too. And he still couldn’t focus. His attention fractured, slipping through his fingers no matter how tightly he tried to hold onto it. But to look back where Renjun was, that was accepting what crawled under his skin, so he didn't, just like he did years before. He kept dancing and pretending, something he was good at.
Time passed in a blur.
By the time the music began to fade into the crowd and the atmosphere was no longer vibrant, the night had steadily slipped into 3 A.M., and Donghyuck's social energy was so low he could only hope his friends would find him so he had an excuse to leave without seeming inconsiderate, because Karina was a lovely girl and he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
When he spotted Jaemin's distant silhouette among the small crowd that was still dancing, he raised his hand with far more excitement than he should have, confusing Karina. It was a clear sign that he was ready to rejoin his group of friends to leave, and thankfully, she didn't seem to take it personally. Donghyuck didn't expect Karina to write her Instagram on his hand with an ink pen he didn't know where she found, but he felt relieved once she finally left. It didn't last long, guilt taking over almost immediately.
“Let’s go,” He heard Jaemin, who was standing in front of him. His face looked quite annoyed, but Donghyuck didn't get a chance to ask why, because Jaemin was halfway turned to the door, starting to walk away without listening for a reply. “I’m done.”
What had happened while he was gone? Jaemin never acted like that, keeping his composure even in the worst of times.
“Where’s your jacket?”
The voice beside him was so sudden, it caused him to jump slightly. When he glanced to his side, he found Jisung there. It seemed as if he had been there all along, his face looked listless, tinged with a deep sadness. He shouldn't pry too much, but maybe something had happened between them. Donghyuck vowed to himself not to speak on whatever Jisung and Jaemin had going on, but it was hard to maintain his distance when Jisung was looking at him like a sad puppy.
The perfect excuse to avoid getting involved passed right before his eyes, as Renjun walked in front of them looking somewhat lost.
“Ah, I lost it. I'll go search for it. Join you guys later, okay? Tell Jaem for me.”
Jisung's face looked troubled at his statement, confirming his suspicions. For a few seconds Jisung said nothing, but when he lowered his gaze, his eyes instantly picked up the Instagram username written on his left hand. It seemed that his sadness turned into surprise and excitement, at least for a few seconds. “Oh, busy night?”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes at him, but made no effort to correct him. Perhaps it was better that way, because he was never able to tell his friends about Renjun's existence. It was something so personal and difficult to explain that he preferred to let the misconception remain in Jisung's mind rather than tell the truth. “Shut up,” he mouthed at Jisung, a wave of his hands as a farewell while walking away from him.
He didn't even look at Jisung leaving. At some point, he'd regret letting his friends go, because he'd spent all night waiting to leave with them. The voice in his head told him it was a good decision and that they needed space for whatever happened between them both, but it was just an excuse. In the back of his mind, the doubt of what Renjun had done all those years and what he meant by what he said about Donghyuck lingered there.
It was a miracle Renjun was alone. He looked like an incredibly popular guy and had been surrounded by people all night, except for now. Upon standing in front of him, Renjun lifted his gaze up immediately, as if he had been waiting for Donghyuck to appear.
“Hi. I think I’m a little drunk.” Renjun admitted, more honest than Donghyuck expected him to be. Compared to the previous hours they spoke, he rushed to initiate the conversation instead of waiting for Donghyuck to talk first. His voice had completely lost the toughness from earlier, when he left Donghyuck in that empty hall.
His problem showed once again. He was too fast; he never thought. “Where do you live?”
Renjun blinked, caught slightly off guard. “Ah, why?”
Donghyuck realized he didn't have an answer for that. He'd just approached and spoken for the sake of speaking, and now he needed to take a breath to come up with something reasonable. “I can take you home in a taxi,” he said, but suddenly remembered that this party was hosted by a friend of Renjun. “If you’re not staying, I mean.”
A pause. Then, Renjun nodded lightly. “Ah, yes. I-Well, I have to feed my cats, so I can’t stay.”
You have cats? He wanted to ask, suddenly. Teenager Renjun was never allowed to have pets, no matter how much he begged. It was sad to know how much he'd missed out on in his life, but the normalcy that came with talking as if nothing happened was comforting. Maybe Renjun felt the same way, or maybe Donghyuck was just overthinking it.
Donghyuck looked at Renjun gathering all of his stuff without really talking. When his friends came back and gathered around them, they looked strangely at their interaction but didn't comment on it. It was just Ningning who talked to Donghyuck again, looking at him with a radiant smile, energy remaining untouched by the night.
“Goodbye!” she said, pulling him into a tight hug. She whispered in his ear. “Karina liked you. Add her on Instagram soon, okay?”
Donghyuck smiled, or tried to. He was aware it might seem fake, but it was better than just being a straight up idiot with a girl who had been nothing but kind to him the whole night.
“I'll ask Renjun for your Instagram too, okay? Good night.”
Renjun didn't say anything or interfere during the interaction, barely looking interested. Donghyuck wondered if he heard what Ningning said, or if he saw Karina touching him during the night. The way Renjun was so oblivious to that made his chest tighten in a pointless discomfort. It was still the same then as it was many years ago, when there was an old, irrational tension creeping under his skin, consuming him for expecting Renjun to act possessive. Even though he was always interested in knowing which boys Renjun liked, Renjun never asked him about stuff like that. He remembered comparing himself to Jaehyun, obsessing over the way he was taller than him, asking himself if Jaehyun was more handsome.
He always swallowed it down. Today, he did too. Perhaps those were just reflections of the past, and they didn't have to mean anything.
Outside, the air was colder, and if it weren't for Donghyuck's racing heart, he'd be more concerned about the cold spreading through his body. Instead, he muttered a quick, half-hearted “I'll call an Uber.” after asking for Renjun's address. The wind settled gently on Donghyuck's skin, sending a small shiver through him.
Renjun adjusted the jacket around his shoulders.
Although it wasn't a big deal, Donghyuck noticed it. Like many things he shouldn't notice or analyze, but were still there in his mind. The confidence he exuded at the start of the evening was thanks to the jacket, but he couldn't help thinking that Renjun gave it a different touch. The jacket suited him even better, even though it didn't match the style of clothing underneath it. It's not like Donghyuck was much bigger than him, but he tended to buy clothes a bit larger than his size, and therefore, ended up swallowing Renjun's delicate figure. The sleeves slightly engulfed his hands, and Donghyuck found himself staring for a second too long.
Not normal. Donghyuck looked away the moment his phone buzzed, the vibration cutting through the silence.
MinJae 🐇
are you crashing at jisung’s after whatever you’re doing?
deleted message
don't mind me
it’s nothing
i’ll leave the key under the rug just in case
04:26 A.M.
He’s acting really weirdly.
“Is it Karina? Or your secret girlfriend?”
Renjun's voice sounded right behind him. It was the first time he'd asked him a question of that nature. The faint excitement blooming in his chest made him touch his neck, nervously. So, Renjun did watch them dance.
“Ah, no. A friend. I don’t have a girlfriend. Do you?”
“Not a girlfriend, no.” he let out a small laugh. “Not a boyfriend either.”
His words lacked depth. Donghyuck shouldn't think of it that way, because casual conversation seemed like the right approach to keep Renjun interested.
“I mean. It’s hard, with last year of uni and everything, so.”
“Uh-huh. At least I have a nice guy who lends me his jacket.”
It's hard to understand what was going through Renjun's head to say that. Maybe it was just teasing. Donghyuck scoffed lightly in return, the corner of his mouth lifting nervously. He was probably acting like this because he was a little drunk, but Donghyuck couldn't help but think he was being flirted with.
“Nice guy? I would say cool and hot.”
“Where?” Renjun made a gesture with his hand, as if he were looking for someone in the street.
“Ouch. You break my heart.” Donghyuck said, clicking his tongue against the walls of his mouth.
“Since 2000, baby.”
The pet name flowed so easily out of his mouth that Donghyuck felt a little pathetic for getting flustered by it. Just a few minutes ago, he wasn't so sure about spending time with Renjun, but now everything felt alright again. Perhaps nostalgia was playing tricks on him, because he wasn't really acting like himself that night. His body was acting on its own, unconsciously reaching out to Renjun.
The Uber arriving at that moment saved him from getting even stranger thoughts than he was already having, momentarily forgetting everything that was making him overthink. He just had to get Renjun home safe and sound, like in the old days. Maybe then he could realize that the pressure in his chest was nothing more than a passing feeling, nothing that could prevent him from being a good friend.
The ride was quiet. Not in a bad way, like awkward or tense, but relaxed. At least they seemed like they were, Donghyuck having his legs spread and Renjun looking outside the window with sleepy eyes. Side by side in the backseat, the city passing by in blurred streaks of lights and empty streets had a strange way of making Donghyuck feel reminiscent of a lot of things. Renjun had this strange thing about him that made him, for once in his life, not feel pressured to talk, just enjoying his quiet presence.
When he turned his head to look at Renjun, he was already looking at him. Renjun scoffed like someone who had just been caught doing something they weren't supposed to, looking away instantly. It was so cute, it made Donghyuck smile.
The car engine hummed softly and the Uber driver didn’t talk, looking like he was more sleep-deprived than Donghyuck himself. Beside him, Renjun shifted uncomfortably, seeming a little drunk still. Donghyuck could tell by the way he was breathing, chest going up and down slowly. He didn't expect it when Renjun’s head dropped on his shoulder, fitting carelessly on the crook of his neck, making him go rigid immediately.
Renjun didn't say anything, not even to laugh at an obviously disturbed Donghyuck. He'd never minded physical contact; it was the opposite. However, it had been so spontaneous, he just didn't see it coming. It's stupid to think it needed a warning for it, but he would've appreciated the gesture. After a few seconds of the weird tension, his muscles relaxed at the sensation of Renjun adjusting slightly, as if Donghyuck were just a pillow to lean on, purring a little when Donghyuck finally gave in.
He just hoped Renjun couldn't hear his heartbeat. Donghyuck could feel it all the way down to his fingertips, but maybe Renjun didn't notice. He was drunk, that's all. This shouldn't have made him nervous. If he could just hold out until they got to Renjun's apartment, then everything would be alright. Relaxing his shoulder, he settled into contact with the soft skin of Renjun's face.
The city kept passing by, and so did time. The memory of doing something similar in his childhood haunted him. When they were little, he used to walk Renjun home because his friend was never allowed to stay after school, and even though they lived on opposite sides from school, Donghyuck did it anyway.
Back then, Renjun never thanked him, just walked slowly beside him. Despite that, Donghyuck always felt like he was following Renjun instead of really being by his side — even though Renjun never complained, even though he didn't have reasons to think like that.
Why do you care so much about him? his dad once asked. You should only treat the girl you love like that… You’ll get it some day.
He never did. No girl he dated ever compared to what Renjun was to him.
The car slowed down. When Donghyuck blinked away the memories, the quietness was signaling for him to step out of the car. Renjun was still there by his side, breathing steadily enough for Donghyuck to catch that he was sleeping.
Renjun stirred as Donghyuck shifted in his seat, trying to wake him up.
“Hey… Renjun…”
“Huh?” He responded disoriented, without really opening his eyes.
Donghyuck gently shook Renjun's shoulder, feeling a little watched as he noticed the driver staring intently at them in the rearview mirror. The embarrassment made him blush slightly, wondering what the driver might be imagining was happening in the back seat of his car.
“Renjun…” he murmured, softer than he expected, reaching up without thinking.
His fingers hovered for half a second before they landed against Renjun’s cheek, light enough not to be annoying but enough to wake Renjun up by the contact. It was enough, Renjun knitted his brows faintly and parted his lips, saying something under his breath Donghyuck didn’t really catch. It wasn't Renjun's body that moved, but his hand. His fingers brushed against Donghyuck's, likely searching for whatever was pressing against his cheek. It was a small gesture and didn't seem to mean anything, but Donghyuck's chest suddenly felt like it was about to burst, and he thought about getting medical attention.
Then, Renjun blinked awake. The moment was over, and the feeling in his chest disappeared as soon as Renjun moved away.
“Sorry,” he muttered, voice rough thanks to the sleep, while reaching for the door handle.
“It’s fine,” Donghyuck said quickly. He also pushed the door to get out of the car, too awkward to try and look at the driver again.
Bringing him home was a good decision, Donghyuck thought as the car drove away. The night was cold, colder than it was when they left the house. Maybe he hadn't noticed how chilly it was because Renjun was hanging onto his arm earlier, but he did now. Renjun steadied himself, his balance just a little off after getting out of the ride. Donghyuck instinctively moved closer, taking Renjun's arm as if he needed to protect him.
“Do you need help? Uh, I can support you… What’s your apartment number?”
“Will you take me in your arms, then?”
Renjun said it casually, a tiny hint of amusement flickering through his tired eyes. It was just teasing, but Donghyuck faltered, clearly caught off guard.
“Well, m-maybe,” he stuttered.
“You still have this habit of scratching the back of your neck when you get nervous…” Renjun said as an observation. His hand lifted, fingers brushing briefly against Donghyuck's nape, right where the tension always settled. But he saw something that stopped him along the way, finally dropping the subject to walk away.
Donghyuck stopped for just a second, frozen in surprise. By the time he turned to look at Renjun, he had already walked far enough that Donghyuck had to take long steps to catch up.
Renjun's place was not very far from his own apartment, which was less luxurious than the area where Renjun lived, but still fairly close. The building stood out from the others, and Donghyuck couldn't help but think there was something similar to Renjun in that statement. When they stepped inside, the warmth of the lobby was welcoming, but Donghyuck hesitated about continuing to walk in Renjun's direction. Renjun hadn't said anything. He hadn't looked back.
So he lingered behind like a kid.
“Drop me off at my apartment upstairs. I’ll give you back your jacket there.” Renjun said, without looking at where Donghyuck stood.
It's a simple order, and Donghyuck forced himself to say “Okay” instead of nodding as if Renjun could see, and closed the distance again to walk by Renjun’s side.
The elevator ride was fairly quiet. There were so many things he wanted to talk about, so many things he wanted to know. But at the same time, he didn't really want to know them at all, because that would mean accepting every aspect of Renjun's life that he'd lost. All those ugly feelings returned after years, for no apparent reason. He didn't own Renjun; that much was clear. He never did, he always told himself that from the beginning of their friendship. But inevitably, he looked at Renjun's profile, lost in those thoughts. Renjun's profile was sharp, much sharper than when he was little, but the softness of his expression hadn't faded. Under the artificial lights, the lingering haze of sleep in his eyes made him look thoughtful, or even lost.
Looking wasn't a crime, but Donghyuck did it shamelessly. Renjun didn't say anything, but the way his shoulders tensed slightly betrayed his feigned disinterest.
“This is a nice complex,” He said it just to say something, along with a small cough.
“Ah, yes. It’s actually pricey though, so I have a roommate. I can’t live on my own… yet.”
“Oh?” Donghyuck replied, glancing at him properly this time.
“Yes. She’s a nice girl. She’s almost never home, too…”
It must be incredible to have an apartment like that all to yourself. But do you feel lonely sometimes? I do. That's what Donghyuck thought, but all those thoughts died on the tip of his tongue when the elevator doors opened. Thoughts came uninvited along with the end of the conversation, because maybe Renjun wasn't lonely at all. Donghyuck didn't know him, or if he had someone to invite over when the nights turned cold.
The hallway light cast long, distorted shadows down the beige carpet, making Donghyuck dizzy all of a sudden. After all, it was almost 4:00 A.M. When Renjun stopped after taking a few steps out of the elevator, the door in front of him showed a large 707 on the entrance.
“Will you be fine?” Donghyuck asked, but the answer was obvious. Of course he would. He hated the way he hoped Renjun would say no, that he would miss him.
Felt pretty excessive for a night.
“I will, don’t worry.” That's what Renjun offered instead, and although it wasn't the answer he imagined, it was what it was. Renjun wouldn't lie for him. With a small, seemingly genuine smile and pursed lips, he added something more. “Thank you for this night, Hyuck. I had a really good time.”
Good time. Was that all? He said to himself. Hyuck was a direct blow to his chest, a pang of bittersweetness coursing through his body. It was crazy that just a couple of hours ago the nickname was long forgotten, but now he expected Renjun to call him Haechan like he still did when they were teenagers. It was a secret longing he’d keep tucked away, waiting to get home and forget about it eventually.
When Renjun finally turned his back, key in hand, Donghyuck wondered if it was wise to ask for his Instagram or phone number. Damn, even his email address could work. Anything if it meant having something to cling to for a future reunion. The moment he sensed movement in front of him, he assumed it was Renjun taking off his jacket to return it. As he opened his mouth to say it's okay and he could keep it, that he wanted him to keep it so he'd remember him even if it was only for a few seconds, the words died in his mouth.
Instead, Renjun's movements were sudden, and he turned not to hand over his jacket, but to press his palms on the back of Donghyuck's neck, yanking him forward with a deliberate pull. There was no time to think about what was happening. He stumbled forward, confused, but all he understood was that he was pinned against the hardwood of the doorframe. Just like that, he was kissed by Renjun. He was kissing a man for the first time.
It wasn't gentle at all. It wasn't like a movie or a TV show, where you're aware of the timing, where there are no setbacks or insecurities. It was just a conscious collision of lips, a pressure on his mouth that stole the air from his lungs. For a heartbeat, it was just a flash of what's happening? amidst his confusion, but it quickly became something more. It was as if an unadulterated feeling took over his entire body, acting on pure instinct. His body knew what to do, what it felt like to kiss someone, how to please someone, even if his mind was still scrambling to catch up to what was happening.
So he responded with a hunger he didn't know he possessed, capturing Renjun's lower lip between his own, nipping gently before soothing it with his tongue. His hands moved to Renjun's waist, caressing and using his grip on the fabric to press their bodies together, again and again and again, until a soft yelp escaped from Renjun's lips, muffled beneath Donghyuck's mouth. The sound shot straight through him. Renjun's fingers were tightly tangled in his hair, pulling it needily, making him moan too.
The whole situation sent a shiver down Donghyuck's spine, a feeling of doing something he might later regret. Between Renjun's quiet whimpers and a slight tilt of his head, Donghyuck took it as an invitation to deepen the kiss. He thrust his tongue into Renjun's hot mouth, tasting it as if he had to hold back a desire that had consumed him since he first saw Renjun that night.
He wasn't sure if he was doing things right, but Renjun's sounds of pleasure writhing beneath him made him think he was. With his tongue so deep inside Renjun's mouth, he couldn't help but taste the alcohol mingling from Renjun's system with his own. Too little, too much. Renjun was the first to become desperate, rolling his hips against Donghyuck's thigh in search of some kind of friction. It was sudden and raw, looking for nothing but pleasure.
As abruptly as it began, it ended, with Renjun breaking away with a sharp gasp for air, taking a few steps back. The echo of his footsteps reminded Donghyuck that they were technically still in the hallway and that their sounds could be heard by everyone, that they could hear Renjun's erratic breathing caused by him. A pretty blush bloomed across Renjun's cheeks as he took one of Donghyuck's hands in his, and Donghyuck just let him. His mind stalled, and he was frozen in his place.
“Thank you.” Renjun's voice was a little shaky, but he was smiling. It seemed to be his most genuine smile of the night, reaching his eyes.
“You- You’re welcome?” Donghyuck managed to say in a whisper.
With a lingering look, like he was memorizing something he had no intention of keeping, Renjun let go of his hand, turned, and closed his apartment door behind him, leaving a bewildered Donghyuck standing in front of apartment 707. The soft click of the door was a signal that the night was over, that he should go back to his bed and forget about this, to act as if it never even happened.
His body moved on autopilot, unable to truly process the situation. That's how he arrived, walking twenty minutes later, at Jisung's apartment, taking the key Jaemin told him he'd left under the rug and opening the door with a heavy chest, carrying everything that happened in his mind, about to burst. When he pushed the door open, the TV hummed low and Donghyuck found Jaemin and Jisung curled up together on the couch, a tangle of limbs visible only by the dim light of the television put on a random channel.
Without a word, he sank down beside them, a soft thud in the room that thankfully didn't wake them.
What… What just happened? How could he have kissed Renjun so casually? And, worst of all, there was a damage that the kiss had caused. Donghyuck could feel it in his veins, the desire still pulsing within him.
The way Renjun writhed beneath him, the sounds he released as his mouth was used to explore Donghyuck's with tongue…
As he raised his hand to shield his eyes from the small rays of light from the TV, he managed to see that the Instagram account he had obtained during the night had been smeared, leaving nothing but an illegible black smudge. That must have been what Renjun did when he took his hand before closing the door.
It was a fucking cold night, and he couldn’t sleep at all after. During all the hours that he couldn't close his eyes, he envied Jaemin for having Jisung on top of him like a blanket.
He didn’t get his jacket back, either.
Monday, 01:20 A.M.
+1 Notification
@hyellowjun started following you.
⊹˚. ♡
“Who?”
Huh? “What?” Donghyuck snapped back to reality.
“Who is that?” Jeno repeated, bringing him back to reality once and for all. He was leaning over his shoulder, peering at his screen with curiosity.
“What?!” His voice got quite high, but it was just a reflection of being caught red-handed stalking someone.
“Shhh. You guys are getting us kicked.” Aeri warned them, putting a finger to her lips as a sign of silence.
Pressing his lips together, Donghyuck dragged his attention back to the lecture. It just so happened that, since the beginning of the day, in every class without fail, Donghyuck's mind began to wander to inappropriate places. His mind slipped, uninvited, back to the feeling of Renjun's lips against his and the way he didn't dislike it at all. It shouldn’t have been possible - he was not gay, was he? Then why did that kiss feel so good? Why did he wake up with a boner after having a dream about Renjun?
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Jeno staring at him, trying to get his attention. With weird hand gestures, he passed him a piece of paper, sliding it across the table until Donghyuck could clearly read its contents.
Who?
Jeno wasn’t going to let it go. He didn't know if it was boredom or if Jeno genuinely found his behavior abnormal. Donghyuck could only hope it was the first option, because he was hoping not to be too obvious about it. But he was, in fact, obvious about it. He couldn’t help the way he had been scrolling through Renjun’s Instagram profile since 2 A.M., passing the night on his balcony with a cigarette between his chapped lips.
Between that hour and the current class, he stopped blaming the one and a half beers he drank that night for kissing Renjun. His one big problem now was that Renjun had followed him on Instagram last night, after almost a day since the incident.
Childhood friend, Donghyuck wrote back on the same piece of paper.
Jeno seemed interested. It was obvious Donghyuck's lack of context was due to something, and he appeared to be wondering whether or not he should pressure Donghyuck to tell him the truth. He got ahead of himself, preferring to lie before Jeno got the actual truth out of him.
We saw each other two nights ago after a long time. Should I follow him back? Won’t that be awkward? he wrote in the only corner of the paper that still had space.
“Why would it be awkward?” Jeno muttered to him, instead of continuing their conversation on paper.
“Because like, ugh, I don’t know.” Donghyuck looked around, feeling defeated by the world.
With his left hand, Jeno tapped on Donghyuck's phone. It was a direct request to see Renjun's profile. If Donghyuck didn’t do it, it would look suspicious, to the point where Jeno would probably say something. Knowing he had no escape, Donghyuck unlocked his phone and handed it over, fearing that it might be his ending. Jeno was too good at this stuff, always sensing when his friends were going through something.
He didn't seem to find anything out of place. It was obvious - Renjun had nothing on his Instagram that could be even remotely related to him, so Donghyuck felt a little foolish for worrying about it in the first place.
However, when Jeno gave his phone back to him, Donghyuck didn't expect him to point to the follow back button with such confidence. Therefore, his reaction was out of place - trying to deny it with a shake of his head turned out to be more suspicious, especially when he saw Jeno open his mouth.
It was Aeri who saved him. It was no secret that she was strangely a pushover when it came to paying attention in class, but Donghyuck had never been more grateful for her than at that moment. Studying saved his life. He was never ever going to talk about this class being boring again.
“Shut it,” she looked at them both as if she were scolding children. “we can leave all the drama to talk about after class. And Jeno, don’t think I forgot about what I saw. You’re texting someone new… You have to tell us about that. Donghyuck isn’t the victim today, you are.”
That seemed to shut Jeno up, turning strangely nervous.
Donghyuck didn't want to know what Aeri meant. He didn't want to carry Jisung's broken heart with him. There was nothing he could do to ease the pain of a broken heart, he knew it very well.
Later that night, when the city lights bled through Jisung's bedroom window and the darkness took over the colors of the room, Donghyuck's mind couldn't help but wander around. Without the lights on, he couldn't see much more than his own phone screen, alternating between the notification for Renjun following him and Renjun's profile every few seconds, unsure of what to do, or if he even should do anything at all.
Donghyuck lay curled in a fetal position on the bed, clutching Jisung’s pillow to his chest as if it were his emotional support and the only thing stopping him from jumping off a high building. His attention shifted quickly to the creaking door, with Jisung entering like a zombie, dragging his feet with each step. He looked exhausted and strangely annoyed, nudging Donghyuck’s stomach with a gentle but firm push of his knee.
“When will you stop stealing my bed?” Jisung grumbled under his breath.
“Never.” He mumbled into the pillow, words muffled.
“Ugh.”
With a dramatic sigh, Jisung slumped down beside him, pulling the sheet up over his face until only his eyes were uncovered. Although he was always quiet, there was something odd about his demeanor that day; he was staring at the ceiling with a distracted look and mind, lost in the bubble of thoughts he usually lived in. During those seconds, the only sounds he could hear were the faint hum of cars in the city and their quiet breathing, Donghyuck finally locking his phone and placing it on a random spot on the bed.
Asking for advice wasn't a bad idea, but Jisung certainly wasn't the right person. He was a terrible choice, because despite being gay, he'd never mentioned being interested in anyone or having been in a relationship. But it was Jisung who was with him that night, just as lost in his own thoughts as he was. His friend's inexperience always made him feel less judged, was the thing. Thanks to that, he decided to speak up.
“Uhm, Jisung…?”
“Yeah?” Jisung turned his head, meeting Donghyuck's gaze.
“How did you know you liked boys? Like… Have you ever liked anyone?”
The question seemed to surprise Jisung, who remained silent for a few seconds before slowly turning his head to look up at the ceiling. Perhaps the question seemed harmless and curious, or even nosy to Jisung, who was unaware of the life crisis happening in Donghyuck's mind at that moment.
“Well… more than the person being a boy, I think I was just in love at the time… And that’s the only time I’ve ever felt like that.”
A feeling filled Donghyuck's chest. Empathy, perhaps. Jisung's few words sent him rushing back to the past, wondering if the melancholy in his friend's words might have been a reflection of what happened with Renjun years ago.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
The word hung in the air, a sad ending that closed Jisung's story, who didn't seem ready to share it. He seemed sad, probably wanting to drop the subject, based on his short answers. Donghyuck had poked a wound he hadn't known was there. But before he could apologize, Jisung turned his whole body toward him, his sadness turning into curiosity.
“Have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Fallen in love.”
“I don’t know.” Donghyuck answered, being truly honest. And after all those years, even nearing 25 the next June, he still didn't know the answer. He'd had girlfriends, he'd lived his life, but that felt distant now.
“Do you really not know?”
“There was a special person for me, but… I'm not too sure.”
“And what happened?”
That's a good question. Donghyuck moved away, and the day he said goodbye to Renjun, he never saw him again. It hurt more than a goodbye because it wasn't really one - it was supposed to be a see you soon. When he visited his family again the next year, Renjun had vanished. He never received a letter, a note, or a text from him. It was as if his entire childhood had been erased, and he learned to live with it eventually. His life was no longer in Jeju, but in Seoul, with his new friends, with his parents, and with various lovers throughout the years. But somehow, he found Renjun again, only to act like a pervert over a kiss and regret it later when thinking that Renjun was probably too drunk to really be sure of what he wanted.
“I kissed that person the other night.”
“What!?” Jisung broke the sad mood, stretching his neck to get out of the sheets that covered half of his face, pointing at him with his index finger. “Why are you so sappy, then? Making me worried… Ugh… I was feeling sentimental over this, you know.”
“I’m not sappy, just sad. I screwed it up, right? There is no way I can go back to how precious those memories were.”
“But why are you wasting your time overthinking about it? Whatever that person feels for you or you feel for them, there is time to figure it out.”
He had a point. Time was a blessing. It was actually quite surprising that such a deep conversation with Jisung resonated with him, because he didn't expect him to say something that made enough sense for him to think about it like this.
“Why am I wasting my time? Because I can be like you and ignore whatever I feel, then the both of us can get married when we’re old and single and no lady wants me anymore.”
Jisung snorted, the corners of his mouth betraying the serious look he wanted to give him. “Thanks, but no, I don't want you to follow my fate. You should shoot your shot while you still have time.”
It was strange to see him like this. Come to think of it, he'd seemed more distant than usual these past few days. Trying his best to make Jisung forget about what was troubling him, Donghyuck lunged at him, grabbing his torso and searching for that ticklish spot on Jisung's tummy. In response, his friend shrieked, a high-pitched yell of protest trying to pull him off. It lasted only a few seconds, a brief burst of energy meant to distract Jisung, but it didn't seem to work. So he decided to just hug him instead, lying on top of him like a koala.
“What happened to the guy you loved, then?”
There was no response for a few seconds.
“He fell for someone else.” Jisung said.
Donghyuck didn't need names, he already knew. He tried not to think about it, but his mind wandered to a familiar, nearby person that seemed like the one Jisung loved. He didn't want to say it out loud, but he fell into the same old conclusion. Jaemin orbited alone in his own world, and no matter how much Donghyuck tried to understand why he acted the way he acted with Jisung, he couldn't. Neither of them dared to say anything more.
But he did think about the way Renjun was finally reaching out, even if it was years later. In the way he hesitated so much to follow Renjun back, if he had nothing to fear. Did he?
Donghyuck couldn’t stop thinking about Renjun.
It was only a matter of time before he gave in, Renjun's follow there, not being removed after 2 days with no response, patiently waiting for him to make a decision. He overthought it so much that, from one moment to the next, it stopped seeming like such a big deal. For Donghyuck, what happened that night could have been a mistake on both sides, something intrinsically linked to shared memories that brought back feelings from their childhoods and, also, the alcohol, the way the beers affected them so much that they acted inappropriately.
Although his reasoning was nothing more than excuses to protect an idea of who he was and fight to maintain it, his hard mental work, which required watching the screen for 10 minutes, gave him a sudden and ridiculous courage. It was just a simple click.
He followed Renjun back and texted him.
@okdonghyeok (DH.)
hi :)
are you okay?
you were a little drunk when i dropped u off
lmk
02:40 A.M.
@hyellowjun (RenJun 🌼)
Haechan !??
Why are you awake …
I’ve waited for you to text me back for two days
I can wait a little more if it means you sleep properly
02:45 A.M.
@okdonghyeok (DH.)
sorry…
i have the worst sleep schedule ever
are you going to sleep, too?
02:45 A.M.
He receives a photo from Renjun.
It was just an innocent selfie, taken from a good angle. There was nothing suggestive or inappropriate about it, so the way his skin tingled just by looking at it had to be because something wrong was happening with him. Donghyuck’s gaze could only fix on the clothes Renjun was wearing, a jacket he could never forget, because it was his.
Renjun was flirting with him. This was bad. It was bad, and there was no return point after whatever this was.
Donghyuck reacted to the selfie with a heart.
Renjun didn't text back. He had probably fallen asleep. It made sense, since it was rather late for him to be awake. Donghyuck followed his steps after, falling into sweet dreams with the thought of finally having some peace of mind. He woke up, however, to several texts from Renjun. Donghyuck suspected that Renjun was, in fact, excited about him sending texts (in Renjun’s manner, of course), finally being able to contact him.
⊹˚. ♡
Their first date was not an official date by any means.
Donghyuck didn't even feel like himself. He had always been a chill guy, who didn't care much about his appearance, easygoing, and not insecure at all. Tonight was different. His brain hadn't even processed that it was a date. If he had had to give it a title, it would probably have been a hangout. As much as his mind overthought it, there were three important factors that confirmed that he was safe.
One, even though Renjun had sent him a selfie and the conversation had started off a bit heated because of it, they'd kept their daily chat friendly at best. They already knew most things about each other's childhoods, but catching up on their lives was fun too. Despite talking quite a lot during the day, they never strayed from friendly topics, not even mentioning their kiss, the one keeping Donghyuck up at night.
Second, as much as that making out memory in Renjun's hallway was causing him to imagine strange and suggestive stuff in improper places, Donghyuck still felt very much uncomfortable with the fact that Renjun had been drinking beforehand. It wasn't that he had completely blacked out - he could walk on his own and seemed a little sleepy only, but it was still possible that Renjun hadn't meant to kiss him and only did it because of the alcohol in his system.
Third and most importantly, it was almost a coincidence that Renjun was standing in front of him right now, finishing a waffle. He had just dropped Jeno off at his parents' house when he checked his phone and received a notification from Renjun, who had come out of his lab classes and told him he was hungry, sleepy, and in a bad mood. Donghyuck was relatively close to Renjun’s university, and without thinking much (in retrospect, he didn't think at all... And he should have), he offered to pick him up.
Hence why he was hanging out with Renjun at 9:40 P.M on a uni week, underdressed and looking like a truck had run him over twice. He hadn't even shaved that morning. Donghyuck regretted many decisions in his life, mainly this one, because of his impulsiveness.
“I’m just saying you could listen to some new artists. I get that you listen to the same songs all year, but it drives me crazy not having a new song to overplay every week, you know?”
“I don’t. But okay, I get your point.” Donghyuck played with the fork on the table, making it dance for two seconds before losing interest completely. “It's not my fault I'm kind of performative and like the same two artists I did 10 years ago still.”
“That totally is your fault,” Renjun told him, as if he had personally offended him. “I still listen to Ariana Grande daily, but also other music.”
“Okay, okay. You win, send me your playlist. I’ll listen to it.”
“Really?” Renjun said, surprisingly pleased with Donghyuck's attitude. If Donghyuck had known that this was what would make him happy, he would have said so from the start instead of talking for five minutes about him mostly listening to Bruno Mars songs all day, just like 10 years ago.
With a self-satisfied smile, Renjun scrolled on his phone and, soon enough, Donghyuck's old one vibrated on the table, indicating that it was his time to judge Renjun's musical taste.
“Ariana Grande? Seriously?”
“Do you have a problem with her, Haech?”
“Well, no, she’s hot,” Donghyuck said, still scrolling through Renjun’s playlist. “But this playlist is like… 50% only her music. And you have liked her since forever, too, so your argument about my music taste is invalid.”
“No, that is just a sign of good taste in music. So, listen to it soon and bless your ears.”
Donghyuck sighed, placing his phone on the table with a short, defeated laugh. He'd probably hear it. As much as it pained him to admit it, Renjun had a valid point: perhaps expanding his musical tastes meant paying for the monthly Spotify subscription was worth it. Just as he was about to speak, a short waitress rushed in, interrupting him.
“Sorry for the wait, we’re kind of short-staffed…” The girl spoke in hurried words. Donghyuck wasn't sure if she should justify herself by airing her job's employment problems, but it was okay. “Total is 22 dollars. Would you like separate bills?”
It was a crucial moment. But in Donghyuck's mind, where a single tumbleweed drifted by like in a typical desert movie, all he could think about was the girl in front of him, looking at other impatient customers anxiously, and Renjun, with his full backpack, who would probably take a long time to find money. His conclusion? He should just pay.
“Nah, it’s okay. I got it.” Donghyuck said, taking the bills out of his wallet.
The girl seemed grateful to finish her work with their table quickly, bowing and leaving as soon as she received the money. When Donghyuck looked ahead, however, he didn't expect Renjun's impressed gaze upon him. It was at that moment that it hit him like a bucket of cold water that perhaps Renjun, as much as he did, didn't know whether to call this a date, and that the innocent action of paying was giving Renjun signs that it was something romantic all this time.
“You didn’t have to…”
But it was honestly okay. He usually bought enough food for himself and Jeno when they had lunch together. And he also bought food when he went to Jisung's house, which was almost always, just to help with expenses and for the trouble. What could he say to keep the situation as good as it was going? He was nervous anyway, and the realization that this might be a date made him smile awkwardly instead of saying something with sense.
“It’s okay, Jun.” He said, playing with his fingers and trying not to look Renjun in the eyes. “I spend most of my money on food anyway… Use yours for something else, like your fancy clothes.”
“My closet doesn’t even have more space. It’s a problem, really.”
“Does that mean my jacket was in between all that fancy stuff?”
That was a good question. However, the mention of his jacket immediately made Renjun tense up, as if all the memories of that night flooded back in like a hurricane in his head. Donghyuck wondered if Renjun thought about it sometimes, because he did it all the time.
“That one had a special place in my room. Can't give it back to you yet, sorry. Have to earn it.” He quickly recovered from the attention, but Donghyuck swore he could see how his cheeks turned a little pinker after saying it.
“I’ll earn it back or wait for you to get bored of it, don’t worry.” Donghyuck said with a smile. He didn't really know what it meant that Renjun was acting this way about a piece of clothing that was probably worth less than the ones in his closet. He didn't want to overthink it either, to believe that Renjun cared more than he should. His gaze drifted off to the clock in the corner of the cafe, which told him it was about to hit 10 P.M. “Sorry, I kidnapped you long enough. I'll get you home, okay?”
The process of getting up and walking to the door was surprisingly not awkward. Renjun didn't seem annoyed, just thoughtful. If only he were a psychic and could know what Renjun was thinking, he would, without a word or question, do it. It would have saved him from his spiraling thoughts that turned into full conclusions, and then a whole lot of nothing that he had invented in his mind but hadn't had the courage to admit. If only he could have been himself then and acted with confidence, he could have been completely honest with himself and Renjun, too.
The entrance bell snapped him back to reality, which brought with it a wave of cold. It was normal, since they were nearing the end of October, but Donghyuck couldn't complain. He loved autumn and the chilly weather, but at the same time, it made him a little lazier. Being lazier meant putting less effort into his clothes because he preferred staying in bed a little longer in the mornings, unlike Renjun, who looked effortlessly good next to him despite having had classes all day. Renjun's style was peculiar in a good way, and even though he felt somewhat underdressed next to him, it was impossible not to admire Renjun at that moment under the moonlight as they walked together, side by side.
When he had asked Renjun out to dinner, he definitely hadn't thought about his sweatpants and the fact that the day he'd looked the most presentable in months had been the night Renjun saw him, two weeks and a few days ago. That's why it took him by surprise when he felt a palm brush against his, Renjun's hand gently taking his. Renjun didn't seem to mind that Donghyuck was messy and not really stylish that night, biting his lips and avoiding his gaze. All the bad things he saw in himself were invisible to Renjun.
If only he could have felt the moment and not overthought it until it was ruined, everything would have been fine. Instead, he was stuck with not knowing what to do with this sudden feeling that filled him to the core.
“Ah…” He blurted out in surprise, but it was more like a realization.
It was not a friendly hangout.
“Sorry. Was, was that okay?” Renjun's voice sounded impossibly sweet, as if the world were mocking him.
They weren't on the same page. All this time, Renjun had been trying to figure it out. But he saw something in him that made him feel like this was okay. But what was it? Could it be that he saw what was broken deep inside of Donghyuck, that didn't make sense with what he was supposed to be?
Having Renjun's warm palm seeking his, it was something he never would have thought he'd experience. It didn't feel wrong. Renjun's fearful gaze fell upon their hands, right at where Donghyuck kept still, without a reaction or proper response. The only thing he knew was that he didn't want to make Renjun sad. That's all he needed to come to his senses. He didn't ask what this meant and instead, he laced their fingers together like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he wasn't overthinking every second of it. It felt good.
“Yeah.”
He tried keeping those bad, insecure thoughts away as they walked to the car. His mind kept repeating what Jisung had said to him, over and over. Whatever that person felt for you or you felt for them, there was time to figure it out. This didn't have to mean anything they didn't want it to be. When they got to the car, Renjun stood on his tiptoes, put his arms around Donghyuck's neck, and gave him a little peck on the lips. It was all too natural, was the thing. Donghyuck didn't stop to think about what this meant, having a dude in his arms pressing his lips against his while he ran his hands along the man's waist with the delicacy he would have used to pick up a flower. That was a thought that lingered in his mind, as the distant sound of an approaching car instantly separated them. The innocence and first kisses on past dates had never left Donghyuck this nervous, his hands trembling as he climbed into the car. This was new to him. New wasn’t bad, but it was scary.
Renjun didn't seem nearly as anxious as he did when he got into the car. The only thing adorning his face was a faint smile. It made him think that Renjun deserved many good things, that his presence in people's lives was supposed to leave a mark. But the thing he didn't deserve was his indecisiveness. Was it too wrong to want to change for him? Was it too extreme to let himself be carried away by those feelings of infatuation and desire?
Renjun was a male, just like him. He was cute, smart, and laughed at his unfunny jokes. That was all Donghyuck had ever wanted, just to be loved. It just so happened to be that he found himself crushing after his childhood friend.
“You actually put the playlist!” Renjun exclaimed.
Ariana Grande's voice played through Donghyuck's car speakers, a catchy song reaching their ears. Actually, when he had turned on his phone to use GPS, the playlist had already been open in Spotify from their last conversation. Even if her music wasn't exactly his cup of tea, it was just a small detail he could make for the 15-minute ride.
“Well… Anything for my princess, I guess.”
“Your what now?”
Before he could open his mouth to reply, Renjun put a finger to his lips, signaling for silence. A second later, he began to sing the song passionately, as if it didn't matter that Donghyuck had shamelessly called him his.
The ride wasn't long or uncomfortable with Renjun doing silly dances by his side. Donghyuck recognized a couple of the songs, but didn't do much more than smile shyly each time Renjun hit genuinely impressive notes and looked at him with a look that meant did you hear that? — Until a new song started, but this time he recognized it completely.
“Ah, I remember this song.”
“Really?” Renjun asked, genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, I do. You always put it in school, when we were walking to your house, too.”
It was the truth. It was a memory that remained vivid in his mind, despite the time that had passed. When they were teenagers and the only birthday present Renjun had received was an MP3 player, Donghyuck swore he'd never seen him so happy. In those days, when Donghyuck was always hovering over Renjun and his parents didn't talk to him daily about his strange attachment to him, they used to share headphones to listen to music while hiding in the schoolyard.
“That’s true… I didn’t know you still remembered it, though. Whenever I listened to it, I thought of you.”
“Wow,” Donghyuck said, followed by a long silence as Renjun waited it out. “I thought about you too, sometimes. I won’t lie, I feel like I grew a lot, and that also meant I wasn’t really hurting about it anymore… But that’s okay. You’re here now. And also, I’m pretty sure my grandmother still has the stack of letters I never sent you back in Jeju.”
“You wrote letters to me?! Is that what you meant when you said you looked after me?"
Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned it. It was a little embarrassing, that's all. He was 15 when he was pouring his heart out in those letters, which he seemed to be sending like a husband at war. He hadn't read them himself since he'd left them at his grandmother's house a few years back, and maybe it wasn't a good idea to ask for them back. What if there was a spelling mistake? Or worse, a tear stain.
“What can I say? I’m a man full of surprises.”
“I can’t believe Lee Donghyuck wrote letters to me. I did not deserve it, I acted like a jerk back then.” Renjun said, but he seemed to actually want to talk about something else instead. Donghyuck didn't have to ask him, as he spoke on his own after a few seconds. “Can I read them?”
He could. He obviously could, but Donghyuck didn’t know how bad it was. However, it seemed to be something that made Renjun’s eyes spark. Donghyuck couldn’t say no.
“I’ll try. Those should be hidden in some corner of my grandmother's house.”
“So my mom never received them for me.”
From what Donghyuck understood, the boy's relationship with his mother was complicated. Perhaps it was because everyone knew about his sexuality back then, but Renjun's mother always seemed to hate Donghyuck. He didn't know if it was because she thought they were having an inappropriate relationship or because Donghyuck accepted him without judgment, but it was a clear dislike.
It was his grandmother who told him that each and every one of the letters he sent from Seoul was never really delivered and that it was Renjun's father who returned them, leaving them outside her house. When he tried to give Renjun’s mom the letters a summer after he left and Renjun moved away, she slammed the door in his face.
Fortunately for him, they were turning the corner to get to Renjun's apartment. He didn't want to damage Renjun's relationship with his mother any more than it already was, so he chose to remain silent. Silence spoke for him, but it was better than directly telling him what happened back then.
“Nah, but it’s okay. I’ll show the letters to you, I swear.” He tried to lighten the mood by promising him his entire dignity in the form of the letters instead. “Your complex is really dark… I just noticed.”
Renjun suddenly looked worried, but Donghyuck gave him time to gather his thoughts as he parked near the entrance of his apartment building, One Last Time playing in the background, making the scene more dramatic than it needed to be. It seemed to be something important, so once the car stopped, he just looked at him.
“What are we doing? Was this like, a date?”
It was that. Donghyuck sometimes forgot that he wasn't the only one who thought insecurely. Perhaps it was because he thought of Renjun as someone unattainable and too perfect for him, but he hadn't imagined him having trouble understanding that Donghyuck was into him.
“Do you want it to be?”
Donghyuck's question was genuine. Despite knowing that Renjun had always hated it when people answered questions with other questions and when men didn't know what they wanted, Donghyuck meant it. It's not like Renjun was unpopular; he saw it at the party with the men looking for Renjun, touching him when it wasn’t really necessary. Instead of them, Donghyuck was still full of doubts about his sexuality, and it didn't make sense to him that the guy who had such a specific taste for older, athletic men when they were younger was now interested in him.
But then again, people and their tastes changed. And at the same time, thinking that Renjun was just as involved in this situationship as he was was risky.
“I think I made that clear.”
“Well… That could’ve been a friendly kiss.” The absurdity of his words echoed in his head, probably haunting him for the rest of his nights when he thought about his Top 10: dumbest moments.
“Do you kiss your friends?” Renjun asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.
“Nah… I wouldn’t be surprised if they kissed each other, though.” It was true. Donghyuck didn’t want to ask more than he should, but he was sure that Jaemin and Jisung had more than just a drunken make-out session.
“So that seemed like a friendly kiss? I can give you a real one.”
That brought him back down to earth. It was like flipping a switch that made him self-aware of where they were, how dark it was, that they were both attracted to each other, and that just days before, they hadn't cared about making a scene just meters away. The courage he'd had to kiss Renjun that day was nowhere to be found. Maybe it was because he'd been feeling a little intoxicated that day, but it didn't make much difference - Donghyuck had been conscious at the time it happened, and he was conscious now as well. The only difference was that now, upon meeting Renjun's gaze, he swallowed hard.
“O-okay. Hell, sure.”
The thing about Donghyuck was that he got excited too fast. All the girls he dated told him the same thing, too much energy. It should have been pathetic, but when Donghyuck approached Renjun, leaning in to kiss him as soon as he finished talking, Renjun didn't laugh, he just smiled.
“Patience,” He said instead, taking Donghyuck's cheek in his right hand to caress it. It should have been impossible for the same action to both calm and turn him on at the same time.
The initial pressure was nothing more than a simple touch. Renjun leaned in and gave small pecks to his dry lips, then slowly pulled back to smile at him. It was Donghyuck who rushed to seek Renjun's lips back, but this time, he was not stopped.
Renjun smelled faintly of vanilla cologne, intoxicatingly sweet. Despite that, his scent wasn't the most addictive thing about him; it was his lips. Donghyuck was driven by desire, an unadulterated impulse unleashed by a simple flirtation. He hadn't even checked if there were other people around, if there were cars nearby. The only thing that truly mattered at that moment was how Renjun's mouth fit against his.
Without looking, Donghyuck unbuckled his seatbelt to lean forward slightly over Renjun's seat, his hand bracing against the back of his seat for support. There was no grace to it, no finesse; however hard Donghyuck tried, it seemed impossible to restrain himself, knowing that Renjun wanted it too. A clash of lips, all the jittery excitement of the date poured into that single moment when Renjun's fingers dug into the fabric of Donghyuck's shirt, and in response, Donghyuck took his lips to kiss like a hungry man.
The sound of their lips moving against each other and the breathless sighs was noticeable. If anyone happened to pass by, there would have been no doubt what they would see and hear. But that didn't seem to bother Donghyuck, and Renjun even less, the corner of his mouth twitching, a smile forming at the apparent desperation in Donghyuck's kisses, like it was cute.
A mixture of embarrassment coursed through Donghyuck's body, and in revenge, he bit Renjun's lower lip, causing Renjun to open his mouth in pain. A surprised gasp escaped his lips, which he used as an opportunity to slip his tongue into Renjun's wet mouth.
The roles seemed to change. There was something about the way Donghyuck moved his tongue that made Renjun twitch in his seat, gripping Donghyuck's arms tightly. But Donghyuck understood, because he knew how to please. His tongue knew how to move and which spots to touch, and it seemed to work, because in no time, Renjun was a whiny mess beneath him.
Donghyuck didn't really know what an innocent kiss was, or when it was appropriate to stop. And even though a first date should have been off-limits, and he was aware he was going too far, he became addicted to the way Renjun moaned softly every time their tongues touched. He should stop.
He did. But it wasn't the embarrassment of being caught that made him do it, but the pain in his neck. It wasn't a position for kissing, and it was definitely uncomfortable, but if it weren't for the fact that Renjun's neck also seemed to hurt, he would have continued anyway.
When they parted with a wet sound and a trail of saliva between them, Donghyuck was sure Renjun would get out of the car. They had been too hasty, too rushed, impatient. But he didn't, and instead of backing away for the sake of their moving-too-fast relationship, it was Renjun who lunged at him. This time, Renjun grabbed Donghyuck's shoulders and positioned himself on his lap, sitting on top of him in the driver's seat.
They shouldn't do this. It was too much.
It didn't matter to them.
Donghyuck knew he was a good kisser, that he could please Renjun when he kissed him, but his hands were shaking, and he didn't know where to put them now. This was a whole new level where Donghyuck didn't know what Renjun liked, what to do so he didn't look inexperienced.
Renjun seemed to notice, because he took Donghyuck's restless hands and placed them on his waist. When he put his hands on Renjun's hot skin, it was a bit too much force, but Renjun didn't complain; instead, he sought his lips again. He seemed to want to teach him how he did it, how to touch him correctly.
Now that he was on top, he should have been in control, but with his hands on his waist, Donghyuck still felt like he could easily manhandle Renjun. Nevertheless, he tried to keep up with Renjun’s rhythm, which was slower and deeper than his usual fast and messy. He didn't know if it was a punishment and Renjun was doing it on purpose, but it usually turned him on a lot. Kissing him so slowly made him feel things he'd never had the time to feel before, and he could think more clearly about what was happening, like Renjun's tongue slowly fucked into his mouth.
There was something about the feeling of receiving like a good boy. There was something about the way Renjun's hips trembled every time Donghyuck caressed the curve of his waist, the way every muffled sound was swallowed up by Renjun's mouth on his.
His hands moved unconsciously, searching for Renjun's rear. He didn't know if Renjun liked it, but he tried anyway. Confirmation came when he squeezed Renjun's ass with his left hand, caressing it slowly, and in response, Renjun jumped slightly, becoming impossibly pressed against him.
The new position caused Donghyuck's cock to end up in the crook of Renjun's ass, creating friction that made him moan impossibly loudly, breaking the kiss. Despite knowing he should stop there, it was inevitable. Donghyuck's body acted on its own, thrusting upwards unconsciously.
Beep.
The sound of the horn being hit by Renjun's back as he bumped into it made them both jump, with Renjun nearly throwing himself into his seat in response.
“Oh my god.”
“Donghyuck!”
They screamed at the same time and laughed simultaneously. The moment ended. But they still looked around the car’s windows for anyone who could have heard them, or even worse, saw them.
There was no one.
“I should go.” Renjun said, holding back his ugly laugh.
“Yeah, please. I don't wanna do anything crazy like traumatize a grandmother who passes by.”
“How? Are you pressing me in your backseat and putting on a show if I stay longer?”
Donghyuck's mind reeled. He should have laughed or flirted back, but he felt surprisingly breathless at what just happened. Impossibly flushed, he just hissed. “Oh my god, go.”
“Okay. Thank you for the first date.”
Renjun didn't judge him. He just let out a small, wicked chuckle and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, innocent in contrast to what just happened in the car. Donghyuck didn't dare look to the side when he did, nor when Renjun opened the door to get out, his gaze fixed straight ahead.
He watched as Renjun walked fast, almost jogging, toward the entrance of his building. Before passing through the main door, he turned to wave goodbye.
When his vision lost sight of Renjun's silhouette, he let out a great sigh, falling onto his arms, knuckles white where they gripped the steering wheel as he rested his head to look down.
There was no doubt. The evidence was on his pants, marked, alive. Donghyuck was hard. He felt like a virgin teenager, a kiss causing such a physical reaction. And more importantly than all of that, it confirmed his suspicions. Donghyuck was, in fact, into Renjun.
He was most definitely not straight.
He didn’t know what he was doing.
⊹˚. ♡
It happened again. And then, once more.
Donghyuck seemed unable to control himself whenever he saw Renjun. Now, while he had him pinned against a shelf in the backroom of Renjun's job —his university library, they didn't stop at small touches. They were full on rubbing each other, with Donghyuck panting in Renjun's ear every time he dragged his clothed cock in his denim jeans against Renjun's, who was clinging to his back with his head thrown back.
Their busy schedules didn't help. Renjun had to work and study, so he had less time than Donghyuck. And on the weekends they'd spent together, Donghyuck didn't feel brave enough to ask him to come over. He could invite him to his own place, but he doubted Renjun would want to have sex with all his siblings listening to them next room. They didn't have to have sex to invite him anyway, but Donghyuck still hadn't told his parents, his friends, or anyone else about Renjun.
It was a problem. All his friends thought he had a girlfriend.
Sooner or later, he needed to clear things up. Renjun deserved it. But right then, the relationship was still too casual for Donghyuck to let everyone know that maybe he wasn't as straight as he thought. For now, he just wanted to enjoy whatever this was.
The moment Renjun's hand fell from his back to rest on his butt, pulling him closer so their dicks touched directly through their clothes, Donghyuck muffled his moan back against Renjun's neck. It seemed their favorite activity was dry humping and sexual frustration, because they never went beyond that. The only time Donghyuck came was alone in his room, his mind racing with all the positions he could bend Renjun over.
Toc, toc.
Time was over. Renjun's coworker, Minjeong, the only person who knew about their strange relationship, sometimes covered for him so they could have some time alone. It was usually not much time, 20 minutes if they were lucky. But it wasn't her fault; the library sometimes got crowded and impossible to manage alone, especially when their bosses wandered around during their shifts.
“Renjun, boss is here. He asked me about you, and I told him you were in the bathroom so please hurry.”
“Thank you, Minjeong.” Renjun spoke before the shadow of Minjeong's feet moved away from the door.
That was the signal to part ways. With a sigh, Donghyuck moved away from Renjun, who looked at him with pity. It clearly wasn't his fault, but Renjun usually tended to look at him like that anyway.
“I have to go now.”
“I know,” Donghyuck said simply, taking Renjun by the waist to give him a quick peck on the lips. He let go quickly before changing his mind and kidnapping him from doing his job. “Have a good rest of your shift, Jun.”
“How will I? I'll miss your lips so much.” He answered. That was something new. Renjun wasn't usually so affective with words but actions instead. It's not exactly the epitome of romantic dialogue, but he'd never said anything like that before. He seemed honest anyway. And his body seemed to calm down much faster than Donghyuck's, probably because his job was on the line. “Take care of that and text me when you get home, okay?”
Perhaps, one day, Renjun would be able to tell him that he would miss him instead. Perhaps, he would mean it.
“Sure.”
Renjun lingered with his hand on the door for a few seconds before smiling at him and returning to his work.
He was so cute. Donghyuck felt impossibly stupid for smiling at him like an idiot with a hard-on between his legs.
Did Renjun ever feel for him the same? Was there any night where Donghyuck was haunting his thoughts and making his heart race?
Driving to Jisung's apartment, Donghyuck received a call from his mother. That was unusual. They didn't normally call each other, since they still lived in the same house. Even though Donghyuck would probably be moving out soon, he hardly spent any time there anymore, constantly sleeping over at Jisung's place.
When he picked up, his mother's voice sounded impossibly loud, scaring him. He turned down the volume on his car speaker.
“What did you say?” Donghyuck asked.
“Are you coming home today?” His mother repeated, this time not bursting his ears open with saturated audio.
“Ah, nah. I’m on my way to Jisung’s.”
“Again? Son… Are you, uh, gay? Is he your boyfriend?”
“Mom, I’m not gay, no.” He said that automatically. But as soon as the words left his mouth, Renjun's face flashed into his mind. He'd spent his whole life denying it, the last time being at that party where he saw Renjun.
“Okay. But still, stop stealing his couch. Anyway, you’ll have to be home every day for the next week. Grandma is coming to visit, okay?”
His mother's voice on her phone faded into the background, his mind focused on his own words. He wasn't gay; he was certain he'd never liked a man before Renjun. But saying it like that would have been denying what they had, though he wasn't sure he could admit the truth yet. Were they just fooling around, or were they serious? Should he be honest with his mom and friends?
He wasn't sure if his parents would be happy with the idea. They weren't homophobic, but when he and Renjun stopped talking after moving to Seoul and he got his first girlfriend, he swore his parents had been way too happy, more than just a casual happiness.
“Son?”
“Ah, yeah. By the way, mom, can you ask grandma for those old letters I threw in the attic?”
“Sure, I’ll ask her…”
Even though his mother kept talking, his mind wandered far, far away from the conversation. He didn't want to overthink it, didn't want to label what he had with Renjun, and rush into a decision that could change how everyone saw him. He didn't know if Renjun was serious about them enough for him to do it yet.
But beneath all that facade, he just didn't want Renjun to break his heart like he did in the past. That was a secret that only he would know. No one could know how much in love he had been with Renjun when they were younger.