Chapter Text
It’s five AM and the sound of dad’s snores just woke me up. He’s so loud, I can hear him from all the way downstairs. The sound is so annoying I can’t even fall asleep, so I guess I have no choice but to be ready. I’ll have to walk as soft as possible to not wake him, even though he woke me up. It’s not really his fault though… I mean, he doesn’t know he’s snoring. If I were to wake him up, he’d be like
“Matty, you’re just like your mother, blah blah blah” because he says that every single time I tick him off.
It’s a slow start this morning. I took about an hour just to shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, blah blah blah. The hassle of staying quiet just made it even slower. I finally found my tablet after about thirty minutes of searching, and of course it’s dead. Charging it will take about thirty minutes, which’s means I’m gonna be late to class, then I’m gonna walk in and look like the only idiot who has to interrupt the lesson to give the teacher my late pass, and— ugh. It’s just too much attention.
I made my way to school, and like I feared, everyone turned to look at me when I opened the door. I’m just sitting here now, the teacher is giving a lecture on the anatomy of a dodo bird—which I’m pretty sure is inaccurate, considering dodo birds went extinct before modern biology was created, but whatever.
At the end of the lecture, Patty—this incredibly rude girl who I have in most of my classes scooted close to me, and asked me out to the upcoming dance. She was giggling the whole time, and it was obviously just a joke. I rolled my eyes, and she was like
“Well? Did you wanna go out with me? Oh, right, you don’t talk. Well, I guess you missed your shot.”
Like, what shot? It’s not like I ever had a shot—not that I care, I’m not interested in her like that, or anyone for that matter. She thinks it’s so funny that I don’t talk, and it’s annoying. Has she ever considered people like her are the reason I don’t talk? To be fair, needing a tablet to speak is kind of weird, and it’s natural that people would laugh at it, but that doesn’t make it less annoying. It’s really hard for me to talk.
It doesn’t physically pain me, but it’s just too anxiety inducing. What if I say something stupid, or what if it just gives people more fuel to harass me? I don’t even know. I haven’t spoken more than, like, twenty total words in the past 4 years. Which, of course, results in a lack of friends. I do have a couple of friends, but they’re not actually good friends. There’s Phil, who just talks about stupid stuff like aliens and completely insane conspiracy theories. And then Teddy, who just sticks with Phil and says nothing when Phil makes backhanded comments towards me.
I do have one *actual* friend, her name is Lily. Ever since her best friend, Marge, has tried so desperately to join Patty’s friend group, Lily has just sat with me during lunch. I’m not her first pick, but at least I’m on her roster. She’s nice to me. She understands why I use the tablet. I like that.
Honestly though, it’s not so bad having barely any friends. It’s less people to worry about keeping happy, or satisfied. Less stress for me. I do wish I was someone’s first pick though. It sucks being so irrelevant… Jesus Christ, why must I be so pessimistic. Im so full of myself. I act like I'm the center of everything. But how can I not? I hardly see people around me be treated how I am daily.
After school I’ll probably hit up the library. I don’t like going home when I know my dad is probably awake. He hates it when I try to use my tablet to talk. I think he just doesn’t like me. He calls me ‘queer’, yells at me, locks me in my room… hits me sometimes… he even says my name is gay. Says Matty is a gay word, because it sounds like Maddie—which is a girls name. I just wish he wasn’t so mean… it’s seriously stressful.
Okay… let’s steer this conversation to a more positive subject… like my hobbies. I love writing, especially writing fantasy stories. I just love fantasy. I wish that I could live in a fantasy world. Imagine just going on adventures every single day, exploring the open world, fighting dragons and monsters and stuff. Yeah, but that’s basically all I do. If I’m not reading fantasy, I’m writing fantasy, and when I’m doing neither I’m just sitting there.
I don’t leave my house unless it’s to go to the library, or the standpipe. There’s a large standpipe at the center of Derry (my town obviously). It used to be locked up, but it’s pretty much abandoned now, so I usually sneak up there and just write. The view is really pretty— I mean cool.
* * *
Today sucked. School was normal, people treated me like a loser, whatever fine. But then, I got home and dad was drunk, as always. He was freaking out, screaming about how he couldn’t find his wallet, and he decided to take his anger out on me. I walked in the door, and he just exploded at me.
“I can’t find my wallet… goddammit… have you seen it anywhere?”
And then I grabbed my tablet to respond, and it just made him even angrier! He stomp over to me, grabbed it, and threw it across the room. I flinched, and he pushed me a bit. He then screamed “Use your fuckin’ words goddammit!” And hit me with the back of his hand. I immediately felt myself start to cry, and he groaned. He paced away for a second, so I took that as an opportunity to run. I didn’t even get to take my shoes off, or even set down my bag, and I was already running back out of the house.
I just ran all the way to the standpipe, rushing up the stairs, until I collapsed against a wall. I dug into my pocket and pulled out my pacifier, and just sat there crying while sucking on it. Yes, I use a pacifier. No, I don’t act like a baby other than that—unless you count being mute, or crying, or being a… a fucking pussy as being ‘babyish’. I hate the association of pacifiers and babies. I know they’re meant for babies, but I’m not a baby and I have one. I’m not trying to be judged for using a soothing item. It’s the same as biting your nails, or chewing gum, but it’s more affective for me.
Enough about that stupid thing. It’s not important. I use it less nowadays anyways. I’m just really upset right now. I hate days like this. Dad gets drunk, finds the smallest thing to flip out about, then hits me. I can’t even talk to anyone because Lily is out of town for a week. He calls me a pussy, and a fag for using the tablet to speak. He doesn’t get it. I just wish I was normal enough for him…
Tomorrow is Saturday, so I’ll try to wake up early so I can head to the library before dad wakes up. I miss the summer, when I’d spend all day at the library just reading and using social media on the computers. I’d just stay there all day, and only go home when I knew my dad was asleep. Sometimes I’d sneak into a movie at the theater downtown. The daughter of the owner, Ronnie, usually just turns a blind eye whenever she sees my sneaking in. She’s nice to me—doubt she would be if she knew what I was actually like…
Apparently a new kid is moving from New York. His first day is apparently Monday. I used to actually get excited at the mention of new kids, because I saw it as an opportunity to befriend someone before a more popular group could corrupt them—until I realized they’re all already against me, since I’m just… weird anyways. Actually, in fourth grade, a new kid moved to Derry, so I tried to make friends with him. Since I wasn’t very cool, he treated me like shit. That was actually what made me stop talking. He told me I sounded weird, and that I was annoying, and that I should just shut up. Since I was so desperate to be his friend, I just listened. Turns out, he wasn’t actually giving me advice, but rather he was bullying me.
Some people used to tell me I acted too girly because I painted my nails once. That stripped me of all my confidence and dignity. That was another contributing factor to my mutism. I was so excited for everyone to see my nails… I thought they were so cool… if I could go back and fix it, I would. Maybe then, things would be different. I hate being alone.