Chapter Text
The alarm clock rang loudly with an annoying beep, and Hyun fussed on the bed. Fumbling with the white sheets still not quite conscious, he slowly opened his eyes and sat up with some effort to turn the noise off. He grabbed his phone and turned it off, relieved that he was able to wake up before the next one rang.
It wasn’t uncommon for him to wake up feeling as though he didn’t sleep at all these days. Like he’d fought an unconscious and long battle throughout the night shift.
It screamed in the morning too, in a way. With the way his eyebags grew with color, and his heart seemed to be racing so early.
With a bit of hesitation, he put his feet on the cold floor, searching for his slippers that used to always be missing due to a certain individual.
That wasn’t the case anymore though.
He immediately found them and headed to the bathroom to get ready.
To be honest, the boy wasn’t really a fan of blasting music right when he had just woken up, so he figured he’d read a book while doing his skincare routine.
But as he was reading, he felt as if the words were dancing around, and if he blinked too fast they’d crumble to pieces.
His brain was having trouble with mending the letters together, and no sense was left for Hyun to understand.
Snapping out of his trance, he noticed a large wet spot on the yellow page of his cherished novel, consequences of not paying enough attention to his teeth brushing.
Hyun sighed and decided to close it up for now.
He didn’t want to ruin it any further than he already had.
By the time he got to his wardrobe, he noticed he was running out of time. That meant he would have to decide his outfit quickly, since style was quite energy demanding lately— leaving him matching shirts and pants for longer than normal.
The boy settled for a simple pair of jeans and jacket he found, and deemed that it would have to be enough.
It was indeed a bit exhausting to bear with that excuse every single day. To accept “basic” is all he can do.
Thankfully his job at the moment didn’t require him to wear nice clothes, or to have his hair styled…or to even look presentable.
Well.
He decided it could always be worse, and that he should be grateful he had a job at least.
With that, he tied up his shoes with his trembling fingers and rushed out of his house.
Breakfast would have to wait until later.
Walking down the streets, he looked around as the sky was still dark and the frigid air made chills crawl up his neck. It seemed like years since the sun appeared, the autumn breeze cursing the people to a lifetime of dark and empty afternoons.
Hyun wished he had something to look up to, something to grasp onto and make his living brighter.
Maybe if he knew the sun would come by the end of the day, it would be easier. To expect the warmth and color of the gentle, gentle sunshine rays after feeling the cold linger on his cheeks all day.
It would be nice.
Nice to be treated softly.
Shrugging, he put on his headphones and rushed to the train station.
As expected, the station was completely crowded with people, nameless faces and hurried steps. The boy squeezed himself into the crowds and walked to the platform.
He couldn’t help but feel the most alone when he was surrounded by strangers, like he was an outcast trying to fit in desperately.
What actually got to him the most was that among that sea of creatures, some that he could even feel breathing down on his neck or brushing up on his arms, would not acknowledge if he was gone tomorrow.
If he simply disappeared from plain sight they would continue with their lives as if he never existed.
Although, it wouldn’t be fair for him to desire to be missed somewhere he made no apparent difference.
As he got closer, he waited patiently in line for the subway to arrive while looking at his watch. He’d better hurry up if he didn’t want to be late for work.
The man hopped on the full train, trying his best not to nudge someone by accident.
Fortunately, since he was very tall he could actually breathe and not be face to face with some random middle aged guy.
He scrolled on his phone mindlessly as he watched the subway empty. It came to his stop, and he got out quickly, ready to head to his destination.
Hyun arrived at the clinic shortly. As he panted, he put on his apron and sat down by his “desk”.
“You’re late, Hyun.”
His boss called out immediately from the door.
“If you cannot meet our demands and curfew, please let me know.”
The boy sighed as the other man closed the door strongly enough to shake the entire building.
He had a long day ahead of washing puppies and cleaning up fur in places that definitely weren’t supposed to be covered with it.
If you first asked him when he had just started his job there, he would say he got a pretty good opportunity…But as time passed, it weighed down on him that he was destined to spend his whole career cutting dirty nails and washing giant dogs.
Heaven knew how many prayers he sent, wishing that one day, maybe things would change for good. After restless years of being bitten by stinky pups, he would be able to fulfill his dreams of becoming an idol.
Of becoming something that would make him crinkle his cheeks in a smile when he looked at the mirror.
Something that would make his mom proud to yap about to the neighbors.
— Something that maybe, would’ve been enough for the love of his life to stay. To deserve to keep someone nice and settled by his side.
Someone like the one he used to have—Or maybe he never had them at all?
If so effortless to leave, and easy to choose to simply not be around anymore, no emotions were held on that decision.
When his shift ended, Hyun was exhausted and could already feel a headache coming in.
As his phone buzzed in his pocket, he picked it up without bothering to check the name.
“Hello?”
“Hi! Hyun? You just got out of work, right? I'm at that cafe down the street, can you meet me here or you’ve got plans?”
The boy was surprised as the voice of his friend Wumuti, rang through the speaker. He almost laughed at how random the other could be, always busy and popping up in the most unexpected places known to mankind during the span of one day.
“Ah, plans? Not really, I-“ He stopped as Muti interrupted.
“Great!! ‘M waiting for you here- By the way what’s that cake you like called? Orange cake? Cause i just ordered it.” As Hyun was about to reply, he heard his friend hanging up.
He chuckled— Wumuti hated wasting time.
The latter walked down the street now out of his work clothes, but definitely not dressed up enough for a fancy cafe…Though, he learnt long ago it was useless to argue with Muti when he set his mind on something.
Especially when that something involved his friends.
As he opened the door, he instinctively spotted the blonde sitting by the window with someone else. He approached them a bit shy, feeling self conscious of his tired state.
He immediately felt a pair of eyes on him.
“Hyun! You made it!” Wumuti exclaimed happily as he looked up at him.
“I told you he would” The boy by his side replied, who Hyun recognized quickly as Rui, who was introduced to him by Muti some months ago.
“Yeah, maybe if you warned me earlier I’d be actually prepared.” He said as he sat down by Rui’s side with a sigh.
“Oh, always having to be prepared for everythingggg! Loosen up for once, big guy” Rui teased.
“I was shopping with him and since you work so close to where we were, I figured we’d save your Friday night!”
“Save? So I need saving now?” Hyun snickered, amazed at how his friends’ minds worked.
“You’re so dramatic, we all know you hate that pet shop job thing—hey! stop rolling your eyes!” Kuanjui put his hands on the table, annoyed.
“Okay, you two calm down. Hyun, I know your job is a sensitive topic, but I told you my project is going well!! I promise.” Wumuti affirmed, with such confidence that could get him into politics someday.
“Yeah, sure. Not doubting you or anything but you’re putting all your hopes up on a dog groomer and a pink lunatic—Besides the fact that a group with three people must be rough to work with at least.”
“Ugh, you reek of negativity” Rui scrunched his face up, in a disgusted face that was impressively still pretty.
“...Oh Hyun…” Wumuti’s face crumbled into a frown. “You know you can talk to us about anything, right? I feel as… you’ve not been feeling well for some months now.”
The oldest asked worriedly.
“What is it? I know there’s something weird going on. It’s like you’re not really you anymore.”
Hyun’s eyebrows raised almost to his hairline. His lips opened up in surprise, like a prey caught by the sharp gaze of a fox.
“There’s…I’m…Nothing’s weird, or wrong...Im just being myself.” The boy defended quickly. “I just…I don't really have time to dream anymore. I'm an adult, I have a job and responsibilities.”
They both looked at him with an expression almost of pity, and it made his stomach twist.
Happily, the cake order arrived and he could focus on something else and not on how his life was so clearly a mess.
“I'm not- Look, I’m sorry…I understand that you feel that way. And you have every right to not believe me, and not get your hopes up on this…But please, don’t tell me you’re fine when I can obviously tell you aren’t.” Muti almost whispered, as if he pronounced words quietly, they would hurt less.
Hyun just looked down at his plate silently as he swallowed.
He didn’t have much to say to that.
He couldn’t come up with something to answer, so he just let his heart ache as silence filled the table.
“It will be.”
The tallest snapped out of his thoughts with Rui’s voice and looked confused at the man.
“What?”
“It will be okay, Hyun.” Said the blonde in reassurance, with a tone that made his chest squeeze.
Hyun had to tear his eyes away, as they stung with water droplets, making his gaze blurred and utterly sad.
He hoped Rui was right.
After his friends left, —both demanding they’d help him get home, but Hyun assured them he much rather go by train, than to know they would need to uber themselves home afterwards— as he was walking to the station, rain started pouring down and soaked him from head to toe as he ran through the dim lit streets.
The weather made his core freezing cold, and his nose wouldn’t stop running.
The boy arrived dripping in frigid water, but no one seemed to pay attention to it, and his shoulders curled inwards as if trying to hide from the world.
How cursed he was…It was the first time in four weeks it rained in Korea, and it had to be just when he was out from a stressful and tiring day.
Exhausted, he made his way to the platform alone.
His shoes made a pitiful squeaking sound as he walked, and his feet were gelid inside his wet socks.
He couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the sensation, everything adding up to worsen his mood. All he wanted was to get home and fall apart on his bed, and maybe if he was lucky enough, the gods above would send someone, anyone, that could dry his hair carefully and help him get warm.
Sighing, he got on the subway and squeezed himself in the middle of the crowd again. Running a hand through his ruined hair, he looked around at the workers dressed in suits with tired faces.
Suddenly, Hyun froze on his tracks.
His world completely stopped as panic filled his brain.
Time seemed to start running in slow motion.
His lungs? Stopped working as his right eyelid twitched.
His eyes were fixated on someone’s hair, more specifically, someone with red-ish orange hair in the middle of the people.
The person was really short, blending in with the movement.
He wasn’t sure why, but he got drawn to the way they stood among the others, holding tight to a metal bar to support his weight and not fall onto someone else.
It’s not like he never saw anyone with that hair color around Korea before. It wasn’t common, surely— but not impossible.
But—-this someone? Those ginger locks?
It looked somewhat… familiar, like something he used to know.
Like he’d know the texture if he ran his fingers through it. The way it would shine under the light, and reflect a golden sparkle.
Could that be—?!
He stared, and meticulously analyzed their outlines.
The way his cheek rounded, pale restless fingers that tapped repeatedly, ears that curled up in a pointy outlook.
His jaw dropped as the shortest looked around, and he was able to see—
—A beauty mark on his cheek.
The sight made him feel like he’d throw up.
He could not know many things, but he could find that mole like a mark on a map, with the lights off.
Could recall the whispers that used to lull him to a dreamless night as he gazed at that face.
He was actually sick— he knew it had to be him.
It just had to.
His heart almost exploded, and he didn’t think twice before rushing after them.
His legs worked fast, defying his command and complaints from his sore body.
The man couldn’t stop it, just pounding on his head that made him know that if he didn’t run after them, he would forever regret it.
Hyun’s gut twisted and his hands trembled pathetically on his sides—
And who he was after just got out of the train as the door opened.
Out of sight.
Without hesitation, he quickly followed, desperate.
With shoes still slippery, it was hard to stand properly, even worse since his knees shook wanting to give up.
The boy was getting away, and with a sudden strength, he sprinted as fast as he could.
When the wind harsly hit his wet face and sent goosebumps down his spine, his heart swelled.
His pace was fast, not faster than the shouts going through his head.
Why didn’t they tell him they were back in town?
Did they not want to see him again?
Didn’t they miss him?
And—
Why did they have to leave in the first place?
—All pointless questions since he knew damn well why.
The truth was that he replayed their discussions on his mind everyday before bed, as if some kind of torture.
He was well aware that he had carefully memorized the words shared between them the day they left.
But what if he’d spent the past year regretting those words like Hyun did?
That was a question he just needed to get out of his chest.
He yelled in despair as he followed frantically.
“Hey! Wait—!”
Hyun had so many questions, so many doubts, regrets and he was sure letting them go again wouldn’t be a mistake he’d perform again.
If he was able to at least get to hold them again, he promised to cradle them in his arms for good and ever.
When he finally catched up to the boy, he grabbed his shoulder tightly.
Not caring if it was rough, he had to grasp.
Needed the warmth, the pain in his bones to subside and to smell home again.
“Haru!”
As the smallest flinched and turned around to face him scared—he noticed right when he felt the moment stop.
Like glass breaking on the floor to dozens of pieces.
He didn’t remember that face.
It felt like a twisted joke, like a punch on the gut. An acid and horrendous movie he hoped to end. It wasn’t him.
It wasn’t Haru.
“No, no, no….” he repeated in pure agony, throat rasping immediately.
“Excuse me…?” The now claimed stranger questioned, confused as Hyun’s life shattered to pieces.
It took him a while to understand that the boy wasn’t who he was looking for.
The one he searched for every day, wished, hoped and prayed naively for them to pop up, seated on the kitchen counter laughing like they used to.
He felt as if a piece of him had been stolen. As if they cruelly took all his hopes and dreams and smashed them in front of him. The man managed to hold back a sob, but then a second one built up on the bottom of his throat and he crumbled down.
His surroundings started blurring and all he could hear were muffled noises.
The presence that lingered by his side for a while, also disappeared leaving him alone with his own company.
Hyun didn’t know how much time he spent there, just sobbing as tears streamed down his face as everyone else continued with their paths. He stayed there, mourning someone that was still alive, dust collecting on his clothes as water poured down his eyes.
For Christ's sake, Haru must already have found a person that loves the dimples when he smiles, or that kisses his eyelids when his lazy eye appears—while he is still buried in the cave he haunts.
That unique thought stung harshly in his stomach, that he could be simply replaced while his life had been stuck for ages. And Hyun could only watch it, sitting right where the other left him.
He couldn't stop it, the feeling was too strong to grasp and pull himself out of it. Annoyingly, all of his apathy during his days lately were just a facade for this. This ache, despair, and longing.
All his effort in holding it in, choosing his best move in this chess board, was easily put down by a single piece in the middle of the table. Checkmate.
It took time. A really long one. And once he had no energy left to cry anymore, he didn't bother to wipe his teary face away.
His eyes scanned over his sides, taking in the details of the wall he was supported on, the cold floor under his hands. Noticed the new wet drops on his pants, understanding it must've been the ones that fell repeatedly from his eyes.
The memories felt like a heavy weight on his head, making him lean it against the tiles.
He isn’t sure how he found his way back home afterwards, but he managed to arrive home somehow safely.
The streets guided his way home, the cement path scraped the soles of his shoes as he dragged his feet. Walking in fact, seemed to not do much for his mind, choosing rather to disassociate.
Hyun took the same flights of stairs he always did, since the elevator was in constant need of repair. His back was hunched over and heavy as he ran his fingers through the metal handrail.
Finally at his door, as he opened it he figured his house looked the same as before. As tidy and perfect as he left it…But he didn’t feel the same as when he walked out that door in the morning.
The person who lived there seemed to be unfamiliar, like entering another’s bird nest.
The bed, though, seemed to lure him to it. The cold and wrinkled sheets looked far more comfortable than whatever was happening in his head. He blindly followed, sprawling on the bed and holding tight onto the pillow.
The boy took a minute to breathe in, out. Held it for a bit, and curled up on himself, like a frightened dog.
Feelings came down building up like waves, crashing on the shore of his heart, leaving him with agony inside his soul. The kind of one you know you’ll never forget, even when the storm passes eventually.
The one that will make you turn into your own self into your dearest best friend or greatest enemy because of a trusted secret. A nasty and ugly one, hidden by the fear of never being really known.
How could Hyun ever explain that to Wumuti, the one who constantly asks “What’s going on with you?” or to anyone for that matter?
How would he ever explain that all he felt was numb, except for when it hurts. Because then, it hurts most ardently and burns.
He was such a walking paradox and he was so sick of it.
But mostly, he was sick of missing someone that used to be his.
That night, he dreamt of a redhead boy with dotted moles on his face, and a smile that resembled the sunlight.
He wished he’d never wake up.