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Shane didn’t really feel like eating the ‚disgusting lasagna‘. Despite having promised Ilya to support him also when he didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t shake off the worries for his dear boyfriend.
So instead of getting the lasagna out of the oven, where he had heated it up, he approached Ilya from behind.
The man was currently standing in front of the sink, washing his hands. Without a single word, Shane wrapped his arms around Ilya from behind, nuzzling his back, before resting his cheek against the man’s back. He could feel Ilya tense up in his arms. „What are you doing?“ he asked with his thick, rather sexy Russian accent. However, his voice was quieter than usual. Just another sign of something being wrong.
„Just hugging you. Am I not allowed to cuddle my boyfriend?“
„Yes.“ Ilya assured. „You are allowed. But we wanted food.“
Shane nodded, the fabric of Ilya’s shirt rubbing against his cheek. „In a second.“
Once Ilya had dried his hands, he turned around, smiling down at Shane. „You need cuddles?“
Shane simply nodded, knowing that Ilya loved being the protective one. If this was the way to get Ilya to allow the hug and not withdraw again, Shane would gladly be the one to need the cuddles.
He felt the other man’s strong arms wrap around him. Felt Ilya resting his nose in Shane’s hair, trying to inconspicuously inhale his scent. Gladly, Shane also felt Ilya relax in his arms now with a deep sigh.
„I love you, you know?“
„Yeah. Of course.“
„No, Ilya… I mean I LOVE you.“ Shane emphasized that one word, laying all his emotions into it, trying to make it clear to his boyfriend, that he didn’t say it as they usually did, but that he meant it in a deeper way. As a way to say ‚I love you, I see you, you can be yourself around me‘ and he just hoped that the way he pronounced that word made Ilya understand that he didn’t just casually say it this time.
Ilya didn’t answer. The silence lying between them felt like it lasted an eternity.
In fact it was probably just a few seconds, before Ilya took a shaky breath and rubbed his face on his own sleeve, trying to make it look as if he was rubbing his nose to scratch it, but Shane saw the shimmer in the man’s eyes.
„What if…“ Ilya started, then stopped himself immediately after.
Shane didn’t ask, just waited, pulling away from the hug they had kept up this entire time. Just to be able to look at Ilya’s face.
The man was visibly struggling. Shane watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed against his tight throat. Again he rubbed his face on his sleeve, this time unable to swallow a soft sniffing.
„What if… would you still love me, if… I was not… you know.“
Shane had an idea. But he didn’t want to assume. He raised his hand up to Ilya’s face, stroking away one of his tears that now eventually found their way out of the corners of Ilya’s eyes. „There is not a single scenario in which I could imagine not loving you.“
At that a small smile built on Ilya’s face. „Are you sure?“
„Very.“ Shane said stirnly. „Never been so sure of anything else.“
„So if…“ Ilya struggled for words, emotionally troubled as he was, English was suddenly very difficult to remember.
„I am sad sometimes.“ He eventually said. „Often.“ He then added.
Shane nodded. Exactly what he had suspected. Once again he hugged Ilya, kissing his shoulder gently.
„Are you very hungry?“ He asked, seeing Ilya’s frown even without seeing Ilya’s face, simply because he knew it was there due to the weird change of topic.
„If yes. We need to eat first. Otherwise I will go prepare a bath for us. For you. To relax. But if you’d want me to join you in the tub…“
„The bath.“ Ilya didn’t have to think long before he answered. „Can eat after.“
So Shane went to prepare the bath. He opted for a lavender additive, because it was known to have a relaxing effect.
And about 15 minutes later both boys sat in the tub, Shane leaning against the edge of the tub with Ilya between his legs, resting his back against his chest.
„Good?“ Shane asked, happy to see Ilya nod.
„I am scared.“
„Of what?“
„Getting help. Professional I mean.“
Shane nodded behind him. „Yeah. I bet that seems scary. But maybe it would help?“
„Need to find Russian therapist. Who don’t care about hockey.“
Well. Shane had to admit. That didn’t make the search easier. But it still wasn’t impossible.
„Do you want my help? I can look it up with you, go to appointments with you, maybe. Not to control you, but for emotional support.“
When Ilya turned his head to Shane there was a smile on his face. A sad but honest one. „You would do that?“
„Of course.“
Instead of answering Ilya kissed Shane. Shane was surprised about the passion and desperation Ilya poured into the kiss. He didn’t complain, though. Just figured, that Ilya simply needed this right now.
„Hollander…“ he whispered, sending a shiver down Shane’s spine. They barely called each other by their last names anymore. However, a while back, the two of them had figured out, that it did indeed turn Shane on when Ilya did it. It reminded him of old times and the way his name sounded with Ilya’s deep voice and the accent… it did something to him that he had no explanation for.
Still… even though he concluded that Ilya absolutely intended this, it felt kind of inappropriate for Shane to get hard right after his boyfriend had opened up to him like this.
Ilya, however, just grinned. „I love you.“ He whispered aganst Shane’s lips, before shoving his tongue between them, immediately taking control of Shane’s mouth.
Only shortly, though, before he pulled away. „Need… Need to forget.“ He forced out breathlessly. „Please. Uhm… What is called?“
Shane frowned. „Sex?“
The water around them splashed when Ilya slapped Shane’s upper arm.
„No! Yes. But… soft?“
Suddenly Shane got it and his heart threw somersaults in his chest at the sweet unspoken demand.
„You want us to make love?“
Ilya nodded. „Yes. That.“