Work Text:
January 2017 - Boston, MA: Menacing begins
Ilya Rozanov would say that he is a simple man. He likes fast cars. He likes good vodka. He likes sex. He loveslikes Shane Hollander. Shane Hollander, however, ???loves Rose Landry. Ilya Rozanov does not like that.
Two months after they last spoke (when Shane ran away from him and apparently straight (ha!) into the arms of a world-famous actress), Ilya is driving to the Boston training centre in his beloved Porsche Spyder, honouring his usual lack of interest for the speed limit. Not much interests him these days. As ever, his thoughts drift to a freckled man as he blasts his custom Spotify playlist, catered to singing himself through his heartbreak. Adele and Ilya are wrapping up bellowing Someone Like You as he pulls up to centre the parking lot. Marleau is waiting outside with a frown on his face as Ilya pulls his bag out of the trunk and locks up.
"Are you doing okay, man?" Cliff asks, clapping him on the back as he reaches him.
"Da, of course. Why?" Ilya replies, shrugging him off as they walk through the entrance doors and down to the changing rooms.
"You've been kind of.. different the last couple of months, and you just pulled up cosplaying Adele. Has something happened with Jane?"
"Pffft, there is no Jane, Jane is gone" Ilya says with a wave of his hand. "Stop asking questions and get changed so you can be useful and spot me in gym."
Cliff, not wanting the wrath of his captain, sighs and does as he is told.
Two hours later, Ilya walks back into the changing rooms, towel hung low on his hips fresh from the showers. Cliff is closing his locker as he looks up at the sound of sliders slapping along the floor. He wolf whistles as Ilya stops at his own a few feet away.
"Man, you are looking absolutely massive after that session! Jane has no idea what she is missing" he chuckles, swinging his bag over his shoulder. Ilya looks up at this, a full blown grin menacingly forming across his face. This is the most he has looked like himself in weeks, Cliff thinks.
"You are absolutely fucking right, Marly" Ilya says, walking over and clapping his shoulder. "A genius, who knew?! Yes yes, I think will remind her." He struts back to his locker and quickly pulls on some shorts, heading back to the floor to ceiling mirrors in the gym, phone in hand. Cliff smiles and shakes his head, shouting goodbye as he heads out.
He has no idea what he has just unleashed onto the Montreal captain, and the rest of the world.
Posted 17 minutes ago
Two days later
Three days later
Five days later
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
I think I fucked up
Connors
...if I had a dollar
Hammers
would already be retired 🤑🤑🤑🤑
Marly
I'm serious. I may have accidentally given cap the idea to show Jane what she was missing
I wanted him to get his spark back
But not this
Vicky
Ah, so you are the reason for this psychological warfare?
Marly
I dont know what that means
Connors
😞
Hammers
Maybe we need to stage an intervention
Marly
I dont know what that means
Connors
😞
Vicky
The thirst traps are too much. I've had to block him on my wifes account
Carmichael
He keeps asking me to help him with the lighting in the gym. I'm a grown man
Vicky
I thought the heartbreak playlist was bad, but this is all so much worse
Hammers
Right? I can't hear Taylor Swift anymore man, I'm tired
Marly
This is my fault, I will talk to him and fix it
An intervenshion
Intvertenion
***intervention
Connors
😞
The next day
Two days later
All of about 4 minutes later
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
I think I might have made it worse
Connors
😞
February 2017 - Boston, MA: Menacing Intensifies
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
Ok boys, its now critical
Cap just direct tweeted Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift is very busy and does not need this
Vicky
We need to put a stop to this
Delete his twitter
Does anyone know his password
Hammers
No idea but we need to do something. We could try and guess it
He is a simple man
Connors
Its probably something so stupid like a thing he likes with 69 on the end
Vodka69
Marly
didnt work
Carmichael
Lambo69
Americangirls69
Vicky
IlyaRozanov69
Marly
nope
Vicky
damn, worth a try, the ego is big enough
Marly
I mean, we have all seen the thirst traps
its valid
Connors
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Vicky
💯💯💯💯💯
Carmichael
💯💯💯💯💯
Hammers
💯💯💯💯💯
A few days later
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
do you think Jane is ok
i thought he would be done by now
but there is evil inside him
Connors
i dont even think Jane is Jane
Vicky
💯
and I think they are probably fine
Roz is harmless, and at least least he is hot
Connors
💯
Marly
?
do you think thats not her name?
Hammers
I dont think its her anything
Marly
?
Carmichael
😞
Connors
hey man, thats my line
Meanwhile, somewhere in Montreal:
February 2017, Montreal
The next day
Back in Boston
Boston Boyyyzzz 🐻 Group Chat
Roz
its a good fucking day boys
we will have an easy practice
and tonight
we go out
Marly
are we celebrating something?
Connors
I think I can probably guess
Roz
yes marly we are celebrating the joy of life
of being handsome men
with fancy cars
and lots of money
and a stanley cup
and big 🍆
Connors
💯💯💯
Vicky
💯💯💯
Hammers
💯💯💯
Carmichael
💯💯💯💯
Roz
well maybe not Marly for the last one
Connors
💯💯💯
Vicky
💯💯💯
Hammers
💯💯💯
Carmichael
💯💯💯💯
Marly
oh fuck you man
Roz
you couldnt handle me
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
man wtf, i think i preferred it when his attention was elsewhere
he has too much energy
and my dick is a perfectly good size
Connors
at least we know that jane is not jane
Vicky
yes he hasnt been subtle at all
Carmichael
how did he ever bag that, though? incredible pull
Vicky
facts! cap is very hot though
Connors
💯💯💯
Carmichael
💯💯💯
Hammers
💯💯💯
Marly
?
what have we figured out about Jane
and can someone please defend my dick
Vicky
Marly
fuck you guys
im requesting a trade
The next week before the Boston v Montreal game:
Boston Boyyyzzz 🐻 Group Chat
Roz
dont wait up for me after the game tomorrow boys
i have plans
Vicky
all your hard work has finally paid off
Roz
hopefully 😈
Connors
proud of you man, you gave it your all
twitter should give you revenue
Carmichael
its been a wild ride
Roz
hopefully more riding to come😈
Connors
💯💯💯
Carmichael
💯💯💯
Hammers
💯💯💯
Vicky
💯💯💯
Marly
wait is this about Jane
Roz
Several months later - Boston, MA: Menacing complete
O
Boston Group Chat (Bears - no 🧢)
Marly
guys
HOLLANDER?
and what about Jane
he was hung up on her for years
Vicky
come on man how are you still not getting it
Marly
?
Vicky
connors, you are needed
Connors
😔
Ilya Rozanov is a simple man. He loves Shane Hollander, and thankfully, Shane Hollander loves him right back.