Chapter Text
When the gray morning light seeped into his room, Shin lay motionless in bed for a while, weighed down by the heavy burden of waking up for school. When he reached the bathroom, the reflection in the mirror felt like it belonged to a stranger: pale, soulless, and with eyes that had lost their spark. He took a deep breath, but it felt as if his lungs were rejecting the air. Once again, he hated himself simply for existing.
These days, the world was nothing more than a black-and-white film to him. Going to school, talking to people, or trying to achieve anything felt like an impossible mission. All he wanted was to lie in that damp room, counting the cracks in the ceiling and getting lost in his own thoughts. The diagnosis of "major depression" was thrown in his face every day by the colorful pill bottles sitting on his desk. His mother approached this recovery process with military discipline, watching every swallow like a prison guard to ensure the pills reached his stomach. His younger sister, Chingching, would try to pull him back to life with endless games every time he returned from school.
But for Shin, none of these felt like efforts to heal; they were proofs of how "broken" he was. Every pill was a certificate of inadequacy; every offer to play was a reflection of the pity felt for him. There was such a massive void inside him that neither chemicals nor forced cheerful sentences could ever fill that darkness. That void was the only reality left behind by Saint—one that time could never mend.
He remembered the moments when his life had completely changed, even though he never wanted it to.
In the back alleys of Bangkok, life for Shin and Saint consisted only of each other and the small but dangerous gang they belonged to. The two of them were the most rebellious and fearless kids in middle school. However, Shin's football talent was his only ticket out of those muddy streets. Learning he had been selected for the National Team wasn't just a success; it was a chance to escape that dark life.
But the gang laws were simple: Once you’re in, you can’t easily get out.
The gang leader saw Shin's desire to leave as a betrayal and assigned the task of punishment to his best friend, Saint. Saint had to "discipline" Shin and scare him enough so he wouldn't leave. That night, under the pouring rain, Saint stood before his childhood friend with an iron pipe in his hand. The disappointment in Shin's eyes was heavier than the iron in Saint's hand.
As Saint beat Shin, he was actually vomiting out his own fear of loss and jealousy. But that final blow... the uncontrolled, brutal strike that hit Shin's leg while he was trying to escape didn't just break a bone; it broke their entire future. When that horrific cracking sound echoed in the silence of the alley, Saint realized for the first time what he had done. As Shin collapsed to the ground, never to stand on that leg of dreams again, Saint dropped the pipe in terror. Instead of helping his friend, he fled from the gang’s law and the monster he had become, vanishing into the darkness. From that day on, for Shin, football, the National Team, and Saint were all buried in the same night.
His mother’s voice calling from the kitchen shattered his thoughts like breaking glass. He pushed back his tears before they could fall and, donning a mask of indifference, walked toward the kitchen. At the breakfast table, his mother announced that she and Chingching had to go back to their hometown for a few months. Before leaving, she sternly reminded him not to skip his medication or his therapy sessions. Shin nodded and replied, "Okay, I won't," just to quiet the anxiety in her eyes. But in his mind, his plan was already set.
Shortly after his mother and sister left, Shin stopped taking the pills he had been forced to swallow like a prisoner every morning. He continued going to school only because he knew his mother would check the attendance records; however, all he did in class was bury his head on his desk and escape from reality into sleep.
A few days had passed since they left. A gray evening hung over the city. The silence in the kitchen was so heavy that he didn't even have the energy to cook. Merely to stay alive, he ordered a pizza. Sitting on the steps in the garden while waiting for his order, his gaze drifted back to the empty, meaningless sky.
At that exact moment, it felt as if a massive stone had been placed on his chest. First, his throat tightened, and then the air he gasped for seemed insufficient for his lungs. His heart hammered against his ribs like a wounded bird trying to escape its cage. His hands began to shake, and the world started spinning violently around him. He was certain he was dying; either a heart attack was coming, or he was suffocating. His vision blurred, colors bleeding into one another. Just as he was about to lose consciousness, the sound of a distant motorcycle approached, followed by a familiar voice echoing in his ears—a voice he could never forget: "Shin!"
The voice felt like a ghost from the past. When he caught a glimpse of that face through his blurred vision, his heart gave one last shudder, and the darkness swallowed him whole.
Saint
When Saint reached the hospital, his hands were still shaking. The moment he carried Shin in his arms, he realized how thin he had become, and his heart ached. Now, sitting in the hospital room, he was struggling with a deep feeling of guilt.
Shin looked so pale and still in the bed that Saint was afraid to even look at him. When the doctor said, "He had a panic attack and he is very weak," Saint cursed himself again. He was the reason Shin was like this. He had run away years ago and left him all alone in this darkness.
He whispered to himself, "I shouldn't be here. He will be so angry when he sees me; maybe he will feel even worse." He took a step toward the door but couldn't leave. Shin needed someone right now. Saint didn't want to abandon him again, but he didn't have the courage to stay and face him either. Just then, Shin’s eyes started to open slowly. Saint panicked. He didn't know what to do: should he run away, or stay there and explain everything?
Third-Person POV
When Shin opened his eyes, he saw Saint right in front of him. At that moment, his heart sank, and his eyes immediately filled with tears. Looking at Saint's face hurt so much that he didn't want to stay there for even a second. He tried to get off the bed quickly. As Saint reached out to stop him, Shin pulled back and shouted, "Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!"
Saint didn't know what to do. His voice trembled as he said, "Calm down, Shin. I just want to help." But Shin wasn't listening. He got off the bed, stumbled, but didn't stop. He walked out of the hospital without Saint’s help. Saint followed him, filled with worry. He couldn't leave Shin alone like this.
Saint ran to the doctor and asked, "What should I do? He wants to go home. Is his condition very bad?" The doctor said Shin needed to rest, but they couldn't keep him there by force. Saint followed Shin all the way home. When Shin reached his house, he went inside and slammed the door in Saint’s face. Saint stood there in front of the cold door. Shin didn't let him in, but Saint had no intention of leaving.
Throughout the night, he listened to the silence outside; he was sure that Saint had given up and left. Who would wait for hours in that humid heat and rain? Especially someone like Saint...
When morning came, Shin felt terrible. His body was aching from exhaustion, and his head was spinning, but he had to go to school. If he didn't, the school would call his mother, and her coming back from their hometown meant more pressure and more pills for Shin.
He weakly put on his school uniform, threw his bag over his shoulder, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Thinking that Saint was long gone, he was about to step out, but he froze in his tracks.
Saint was right there. He hadn't left.
He was standing under that sticky heat, staring at the door without even blinking. When Shin saw him, his surprise immediately turned into pure rage. "You're still here," he said, his voice trembling. "What do you want from me? Did you come to finish what you started? Are you going to kill me this time?"
When Saint took a step toward him and reached out, and said "Shin", Shin pulled back as if he were looking at something poisonous. "Don't touch me! Get your filthy hands off me! And don't you dare... don't ever say my name with that dirty mouth again.