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Andrew’s never believed in soul mates. He couldn’t afford to. Not when so many people had proved to him time and time again that they would not hesitate to take advantage of him.
But that was before he met the absolute train wreck that was Neil Josten.
Neil had somehow slotted himself against Andrew like the missing puzzle piece Andrew had never acknowledged was missing. Seemingly overnight they became two halves of the same whole, never too far apart but not in the codependent way Kevin had needed Andrew to function, but more in a mutual comfort type of way. Andrew would never admit it aloud, but he felt safer in Neil’s presence. As if his personal demons were quieter, or at least more behaved. This new found security did not mean that things between them were easy though. Not by a long shot.
Touch never came easy for Andrew. Even before all the bad stuff, he’d always felt that he lacked a fundamental piece of being human.
That feeling stuck with him his entire life, confirmed countless times by his peers. His trauma only served to widen the gap between him and them. The brush of arms or a careful hand on his elbow never failed to send him into fight or flight mode. Just one small touch would send his body into overdrive and leave him reeling.
Despite his countless protests, no one ever seemed to care about his rules and boundaries. Everyone always focused more on his volatile reaction rather than the why of it all.
Except for Neil.
He’d told Neil not to say certain words and Neil never spoke them again.
He told Neil he didn’t like to be touched and Neil kissed him back with his hands tucked behind his back.
Neil wasn’t meant to be real. He was supposed to be a side effect of the drugs. He wasn’t supposed to still exist when Andrew returned.
But, there he was. With those damned soft looks he reserved only for Andrew. How a boy so full of sharp edges and even sharper teeth could wield a look so soft was beyond Andrew.
Neil made Andrew feel insane most days. Torn between the urge to bash him upside the skull and to kiss him into oblivion.
Kissing him usually worked but that didn’t stop Andrew from informing Neil that he also would very much like to smack him upside the head.
Kissing was another thing Andrew thought he was incapable of enjoying. But kissing Neil lit every one of his nerve endings on fire in a sickly sweet way that he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with yet.
The urge to want Neil was all consuming but it was also plagued by Andrew’s own affliction. Neil never touched him without permission and only stuck to the approved areas. Which affected Andrew in a way he couldn’t describe. It didn’t feel real to have someone so thoroughly and patiently respect his boundaries. It was unheard of. A pipe dream. The fact that Neil respected Andrew’s boundaries even in moments of panic were even more unheard of. Neil had the ability to make Andrew heel with a hand in front of his face and a few carefully placed words.
Andrew was painfully aware that they would get nowhere this way. Not unless Andrew led the way.
The final step was one that set Andrew on edge. It was one he wasn’t quite sure he was up for, or ever would be. But, he really didn’t think it mattered all that much to Neil either way. His rabbit seemed content with whatever Andrew gave him. However little that may be some days. It was that realization that made Andrew decide he wanted to give more. He just wasn’t sure how.
He resolves to test the waters at first, not only filled with unwavering trust in Neil, but also wracked with the fear he could be betrayed at any moment.
Which was, quite frankly, an entirely unfounded fear with Neil. Thats what made it all that more infuriating that Andrew couldn’t simply banish the fear like he did with most other pesky emotions in his life.
They’re making out in bed when Andrew puts his plan into action. Carefully, he takes Neil’s hand and places it on his hip and holds his breath. This is new. He’s never let Neil touch him below the shoulders.
He’d tried this once before and Neil had stopped him. He’d stilled his hand and told Andrew he wouldn’t be like the others. He’d thrown Andrew’s own words back at him and told him he wouldn’t let Andrew allow him to be.
For a moment, He’s so terribly afraid that he has to bury his fingers in Neil’s hair to keep them from trembling. Neil Abram Josten is his lifeline. Andrew doesn’t believe in poetry and fate but the steady thrum of Neil’s heartbeat under his fingers makes him think that he might.
Neil, the fucking mind reader that he is, completely stills his hand once Andrew releases his hold on his wrist. He lets it simply rest as a comfortable weight on Andrew’s hip and nothing more. Andrew lets out the breath he’d been holding and kisses Neil with more fervor.
This process continues on for weeks. Neil does not touch Andrew below the shoulders first. Somehow, he’s understood the unspoken rule that the only safe zones Andrew has are still shoulders and above. Andrew knows he should say it out loud to confirm it but he can’t. He’s worried his voice will tremble and give away just how hard this is for him. Neil understands all the same though and seems content to just let Andrew move his hands around as he feels comfortable to.
Andrew hates him for this. 115%
If you had told Andrew a few years ago—Shit, even just barely 6 months ago that he would be desperately trying to acclimatize himself to touch, he’d think you were the crazy one.
But, here he is. Placing this beautiful scarred boy’s hand on his bare hip and swallowing down his anxiety. It’s okay. Everything’s okay because Neil would never hurt him.
Exposure therapy, Bee would call it. He almost grins despite himself. The drugs may be out of his system but the remnants of mania lingers around him like tendrils of smoke.
Unfortunately, knowing the name for what he’s doing does not equate to progress and he finds himself at a stalemate with himself. He’s too afraid to go any further.
It’s frustrating. He’s not afraid of Neil abusing him in any shape or form, despite Neil being the poster child for all things untrustworthy. But it’s like his body is locked up, paralyzed from a lifetime of horrors. He realizes, belatedly, he’s going to have to enlist Neil in this endeavor. Which means talking about it. Being vulnerable.
Andrew shelves that problem for later. He tells himself that he is making progress because Neil’s hand on his hip doesn’t make his skin crawl—Nevermind that it never did. It’s Neil for fucks sake.
Andrew could deck Neil in the face and his rabbit would be more concerned with Andrew’s goddamn knuckles.
He hates him. 120%
Another week passes without incident, or progress and Andrew is so frustrated with himself he wants to scream but then Neil is whispering “yes or no?” With his hand resting on Andrew’s hip.
It startles Andrew so badly he panics and says no on reaction alone. The word is forced out of his chest laced with panic and Neil withdraws his hand as if Andrew had burned him. It does something to Andrew, deep down in his chest something flickers. Embers he thought he’d long since snuffed out.
Andrew is getting sick of being so horribly shocked everytime Neil listens to him. Every aborted action rings in his head like a bell.
Neil seems to think he’s upset Andrew and is intent on withdrawing entirely but Andrew’s chest is so warm that he finds himself reaching for Neil. He grabs Neil’s hands and places them back into their places. One in his hair and the other at his hip.
“Just. Stay there for now.” Andrew mumbles. He hides his burning face in Neil’s neck and distracts him with his tongue.
Andrew is far more prepared for the question the next time Neil asks it. It’s been another week since the incident and they’re once again doing what Andrew would rank as his number 1 favorite thing. Making out.
“Yes or no?” Neil mumbles against Andrew’s skin. Andrew waits a moment, carefully weighing his emotions before he quietly responds with a yes.
Neil flexes his fingers, pressing them gently into Andrew’s skin. His thumb rubs soothing circles on Andrew’s hipbone and Andrew’s breathing turns into a shattered mess.
“Still good?” Neil asks. He pulls away just enough that he can meet Andrew’s eyes. Andrew’s insides feel like liquid fire in a way that he’s never experienced before. It’s nearly overwhelming how good it feels.
Idly, he wonders if touch felt this good for everyone but he’s also pretty sure he’s a special case. 20 years of positive touch to make up for yadda yadda whatever.
Neil’s thumb stops moving and it’s then that Andrew realizes he hasn’t answered. He stumbles through a yes and kisses Neil again. Their lips are clumsy as they slide together, made even more so by the growing buzz in Andrew’s head.
Neil does not ask to go any further and everything comes to a conclusion and subsequently fizzles out in the safe way that Andrew has grown used to. Even fond of.
As they curl up to go to sleep for the night, Andrew can’t help but wonder if he will ever get used to Neil’s casual patience and respect.
Neil seems to have caught on to Andrew’s little play at being his own therapist. Andrew is seriously considering that Neil might be a mind reader. Maybe that was the Wesninski’s special power. He refuses to consider that Neil might just know him better than he knows himself by now.
“Yes or no?”
“Yes”
Neil’s hand slides upwards barely a couple inches and stalls right over Andrew’s ribs.
If Neil pressed down with his thumb, he’d surely feel the outline of Andrew’s ribs. He doesn’t press down, nor does he move. He simply lets his hand rest there.
Andrew wonders if Neil can feel his heart thundering in his chest. It’s a good feeling. One he isn’t quite sure how to explain just yet.
“Yes or no?”
“Yes”
This time, Neil’s thumb does apply pressure. Just enough that he can follow the lines of Andrew’s ribs.
Andrew wonders if Neil can feel the hollow spot in his chest that he’s carved out just for him.
“Yes or no?” The next time the question is asked, it’s Andrew who’s asking.
Neil responds yes in that surefire way of his. The one that still trips Andrew up because he still can’t believe Neil wants Andrew to touch him.
Andrew lays down on the couch with his head in Neil’s lap. He keeps his eyes on the tv, watching but not really seeing the movie that’s playing.
“Yes or no?” Neil asks back. His hand hovers above Andrew’s shoulder in silent question.
Andrew says yes and Neil lazily drags his fingers along Andrew’s arm. He traces down his arm and back up it, drawing a whirlwind of nonsensical patterns as he goes.
It is so incredibly comforting that Andrew finds his eyes growing heavier by the second.
Over time, Neil discovers the ways in which he likes to casually drape himself across Andrew. More often than not, they can be found on the couch in their dorm room, Neil splayed out with his legs thrown over Andrew’s lap.
Neil’s most recent visit to California had yielded him an odd obsession with the snake game on his phone. How he even discovered it when he almost never messed with his phone was beyond Andrew. He probably had that captain to blame if he was being honest.
Beating his own high score became a sort of hobby for Neil. Andrew would never tell him but he secretly enjoyed Neil’s shout of triumph every time he exceeded his previous high score. For someone who had very few frivolous things to find joy in, Andrew was happy Neil had found something to focus on.
They’re lounging on the couch in their usual positions when Andrew makes an offhand comment about the nail polish on Neil’s toes. Somehow, Allison continued to convince Neil to venture out of his gender binary, often doing his makeup or painting his nails. Neil never seemed to mind it and simply let Allison do as she pleased.
“Mmm, yeah I should text Allison to have her redo them. You know, if you come with me. We could match.” Neil said with a sly grin. He wiggled his toes as if to punctuate his sentence and Andrew gave him an unimpressed look.
“I’m not letting her touch me.” He said simply. Neil hummed in response and said nothing else.
The next day, Neil bid Andrew farewell after practice and headed over to the girls room for his newly scheduled pampering session with Allison.
After an hour or two, Andrew’s phone dings with a message. It’s a photo of Neil’s feet and in his hand is a bottle of black nail polish. His fingernails are painted black to match the whole set.
‘Allison’s letting me borrow the nail polish so we can match!’
Andrew rolls his eyes and mutters something along the lines of ‘ridiculous’ but his words hold more fondness than bite to them.
Another text chimes in about had an hour later.
‘I have a surprise for you.’ Is all it says. Andrew knits his eyebrows together and he’s just about finished his response of ‘you know I hate surprises’ when the lock turns over in their dorm room door.
Neil slips into the living room quietly and startles when he notices Andrew standing in the doorway of their bedroom, arms crossed. He gives a nervous wave and Andrew returns it with a look of what he hopes is annoyance. Curiously, Neils hair is tucked into a hat.
Andrew wastes no time in crossing the room and yanking the hat off Neils head. Red curls tumble out but what catches Andrew’s eye is the blond streak that Neil is now sporting. Andrew raises an eyebrow in question.
“Renee was doing her hair and talked me into bleaching a piece. It uh, matches your hair.” Neil said sheepishly. Andrew shook his head and grumbled something along the lines of Neil being completely and utterly ridiculous.
Later, Andrew sends Renee a text.
‘You owe me some red hair dye.’ It reads.
‘I get out of class early on Thursday. :)’ Renee replies.
Neil’s look of surprise is worth every painstaking minute Andrew had spent with Renee dying a chunk of his hair and forcing him to bend over the sink in the kitchen for her to wash the dye out.
“Now we match.” Andrew says simply before brushing past Neil to get to his locker to change for practice.
Kevin gives the two of them a nasty look when he connects the dots between their new hair change. Everyone else either has the sense not to comment or they only compliment Neil on his.
“Eventually, somones gonna ask what that’s all about you know.” Nicky says at Andrew’s side. He shrinks away from the glare Andrew sends his way.
“Let them ask. It’s none of their business.” He snaps.
The fans do notice the change in hair almost immediately. By the time their game on Friday is over, there’s at least 3 unofficial fan news blogs posted all dedicated to Neil and Andrew’s matching hair. All quoting different versions of the same conspiracy theory. The one that Andrew and Neil are dating.
Andrew knows better than to think that just a few pesky blogs is the end of it though. Which is why he isn’t all that surprised when after their next game Neil is asked about it during an interview.
“So, we’ve all noticed you and Andrew seem to be sporting each others hair colors and we are all curious as to if there’s a meaning behind it.” An interviewer asks Neil. Andrew steels himself for whatever batshit response Neil is going to give her.
“Ah, it started as a joke. Renee and I bleached a bit of my hair and I realized it looks a lot like Andrew’s blond. He dyed his red to get back at me.” Neil said evenly.
“That brings me to our next rumor we’d like to debunk. There’s been talk that the two of you are dating. Could you clear that up for us?” She asks next. Andrew sets his jaw in annoyance. How was it anyone’s business what they were or weren’t doing.
Neil’s face blanches at the question and its then that Andrew realizes that they’re still nothing. Andrew was in fact, very insistent on them being nothing of importance. His own reluctance to put a label to them is showing on Neils face. His hesitation is only a moment though, the years of lying like breathing kicks in and he levels a bright smile at the interviewer.
”I owe Andrew a lot. He’s gotten me out of some sticky situations during my time with the Foxes but I try not to pick favorites. All of the Foxes are important to me in their own way.” Neil says smoothly.
Andrew is both impressed at how nonchalant Neil had made it sound when there wasn’t a single nonchalant bone in the redhead’s body, but he’s also mildly annoyed at how dismissive of a response it was.
“Mm hear that? Neil said he doesn’t play favorites.” Nicky says. His tone is meant to be playful but it falls flat to Andrew’s ears and he nearly punches a hole straight through his cousins chest. What Andrew does instead is stomp his way out to where Neil is being interviewed. He ignores the flashing of cameras in his face and stalks his way up to where Neil is standing. He steps into place at Neil’s side and levels his signature bored look at the interviewer. She goes pale at Andrew’s appearance.
”That’s all your questions for today. I’m here to collect my vice captain now.” Andrew says scathingly. He doesn’t wait for Neil, instead turning on his heel and stalking his way back out of the room. He doesn’t have to turn around to know Neil is right at his back following him.
“Subtle.” Aaron comments sarcastically as the two of them enter the locker room together. Andrew gives Aaron a black look before he snatches up his clothes and heads to the showers.
They don’t talk about the interview. Mostly because Andrew refuses to and Neil knows better than to ask.
Next thing Andrew knows, its Wednesday and he’s sitting in Bee’s office with a cup of hot cocoa in his hands.
“I saw Neil’s interview” She says carefully. It’s the first time she’s brought him up since that time Aaron spilled Andrew’s secrets to her all those months ago. Andrew stills and stares down at his hot cocoa.
“Yeah, they asked him about our hair.” Andrew replies. It’s not the answer Bee is searching for and he knows it.
“They asked him about the two of you too.” She says.
“Yeah they thought since our hair matched we must be dating or something.” The words feel odd as they leave Andrew’s mouth. He’d spent his entire life dancing in a web of deflection. He’d perfected it like an art form but that doesn’t mean the words ring any less hollow in his chest.
“He said you two are just friends.” Her tone is casual and nonconsequential but Andrew can’t hide his flinch.
“We are.” He says, a little too forceful.
“I think we both know that’s not quite the truth Andrew.” Bee says. Andrew’s knuckles go white on his mug.
“Neil and I have nothing.” Andrew says. He’s clinging to those words even now. Admitting it aloud that they have something makes it far too real for him.
“Does Neil share your opinion?” She asks and Andrew’s chest tightens.
“Neil’s always understood what this was” Andrew says. His fingers tighten even harder on the mug in his hands. It’s the glass one he bought her a set of last year for Christmas.
”and do you think that’s fair to Neil? Have you asked him what he wants this to be?” Bee’s words cut like the razor blades Andrew used to use to carve his pain into his arms. There isn’t a right answer he could give here. It’s not fair to Neil. Andrew hasn’t bothered to ask Neil what he wants. He hasn’t asked because he isn’t sure he could give what Neil asks for. Neil’s always quietly accepted whatever Andrew gave him. He’s never asked for more because Andrew made it clear that it wasn’t welcome. Andrew made the terms and conditions of their arrangement cut and dry and emphasized that they were written in stone.
The realization that Andrew hadn’t given Neil a voice in what this was is one of ice cold horror.
The mug shatters in his hands, exploding in a rainbow of glass shards and scalding hot cocoa. Andrew stares down at his hands as the blood from several cuts wells up and mixes with the sticky chocolate. The pain doesn’t even register over the roar of his thoughts.
Neil is alarmed at the sight of the bandages wrapping Andrew’s hands when he returns to practice after therapy.
“What did Dobson do to you?” He asks. Andrew brushes him off with a wave of his hand and grumbles something along the lines of “broken cup.” He hates that Neil gives him space without prying into his bad mood.
Practice does not go smoothly. The foxes can sense something’s wrong between Andrew and Neil but they know better than to comment on it.
Well, everyone but Kevin.
“What the hells wrong with you today?” Kevin demands after Andrew knocks a shot back that nearly takes out one of Kevin’s legs. Andrew rolls his shoulders and shrugs. He’s too high strung for this today. Every nerve ending feels frayed and frazzled.
Andrew halfheartedly gestures towards Renee and waits just long enough for understanding to flicker in her eyes before he turns and trudges off the court.
Neil’s eyes burn holes in the back of Andrew’s head but he doesn’t follow. Andrew isn’t sure if that’s good or bad.
He brushes past Wymack without stopping. The coach starts to say something but Andrew turns a glare on him and he shuts his jaw.
Andrew glares at his car in the parking lot. He takes a moment of careful consideration before realizing he really shouldn’t drive in this condition. Plus Neil and them will need a way home from the stadium. Maybe a walk will help him.
It doesn’t.
Andrew spends the whole walk back simmering in barely contained rage. He’s not even sure who he’s mad at. Himself? For not allowing Neil an opinion? Or Neil for preaching he wouldn’t let Andrew be like all the others and then letting Andrew not give him an opinion. Beneath it all is the bone chilling realization that something is going to have to change and Andrew’s not sure if he’s going to like it.
He can’t give Neil a normal relationship. Shit, he can barely give Neil what he already does.
Bee was right. He’s not being fair to Neil. He deserves someone who can go all in. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell the world they’re together.
Andrew gets back to the dorms right as practice would’ve been ending. He wanders to his bed and stares at it, debating a nap but decides he’s too restless to lay down. He doesn’t know what else to do so he sets himself by the window and stares out of it. He’d like a cigarette but he doesn’t feel like going through the process of opening the window with his busted hands.
Andrew’s not sure how long he sits by the window but eventually, Neil and the other two come back. He can hear Nicky coming down the hall before they even reach the dorm room door.
Neil’s the first to reach the bedroom, probably sent as a scout to determine how bad of a mood Andrew was in. He doesn’t say anything as he appears in the doorway and leans against the frame, only studies Andrew quietly.
Andrew should start the conversation that has now become inevitable. He should tell Neil all that he thought about on the walk home and the realizations that Bee had brought to light.
But the words are locked up in his chest, wound tighter and tighter by the growing noise of Nicky and Kevin are making in the living room. They’re arguing over something but the words don’t even register to Andrew. It’s all lost in the static.
What he says instead is,
“Let’s go to Columbia tonight.”
Neil considers him for a moment. His gaze is searching and Andrew refuses to yield. He won’t let Neil see the answers he seeks until they’re safe in the house in Columbia.
“Okay.” Neil says finally, “let me grab some clothes.”
Andrew should be relieved but something akin to dread settles in his stomach.
He turns his attention back to the window and reaches for his cigarettes.
Neil handles everything from packing clothes to letting the others know where they’re going for the night. Andrew hears Nicky try to spark up a protest but Kevin shushes him. It’s uncharacteristic for Kevin to be encouraging his and Andrew’s separation but Andrew supposes his behavior today must’ve swayed Kevin’s opinion for the day.
Perhaps he thinks a trip would be good for Andrew and Neil.
Meanwhile, Andrew’s not entirely sure he’s going to come back from Columbia. Not without leaving a chunk of himself behind.
Neil’s final chore before they leave is a call to Coach. If they drive out to Columbia tonight, there’s little chance of them coming back in time for classes tomorrow or even practice really. Missing a week day isn’t unheard of but athletes are required to have excuses.
Neil and Coach go back and forth for a moment before Neil is promising that they’ll be back for classes on Friday and the game. Andrew halfway hopes that Wymack can hear the truth in Neil’s words so that when Andrew doesn’t return, he isn’t held accountable for it.
They don’t speak as they head down to the car and Andrew wastes no time in fiddling with the radio once they’re inside the car. He cuts the radio up to a volume that it would be uncomfortable to talk at and reclines partially in his seat.
He watches the scenery pass by in a blur and lets his thoughts drift back to Neil.
Andrew’s out of the car the moment Neil puts it into park in the driveway. Neil isn’t far behind him but his phone rings when Andrew reaches the door. He realizes he doesn’t have his keys as Neil is fishing his phone out of his pocket. Andrew plucks Neil’s keyring from his hand, unlocks the door and slips inside before Neil has even said “Hello” to whoever was calling him.
Andrew floats through the dark and empty house. Silence permeates the air and surrounds him as he shuts the front door. He can just barely hear Neil on the phone outside but he pays it no attention as he drifts further in the house.
He beelines for the kitchen flicking on the lights as he crosses the threshold and immediately begins the ritual of making himself a pot of coffee. Coffee wasnt exactly Andrew’s first choice but the thought of Hot Cocoa is turning his stomach. Plus, he knows he’s gonna need something to hold onto for this conversation. Gives him something to throw if it gets out of hand.
He hears Neil enter right as the coffee pot is finishing. He pours them each a cup and sets Neil’s on the table. He’s just retreated to the other side of the kitchen when Neil appears in the doorway.
Neil picks up his coffee with both hands and mumbles a quiet thanks. They devolve back into silence. Usually their silences were comfortable but this one feels tense. The dorms had been too loud, now the house is too quiet. Andrew wonders how much of it is just himself avoiding the conversation.
He almost asks Neil who called him just to do something about how choked he’s starting to feel but he shoves the question down.
More minutes pass in tense silence with Andrew glaring down at his coffee as if it somehow wronged him and Neil is intent to keep his eyes on Andrew.
“So,” Neil starts, “you wanna tell me why we are all the way out here? On a Wednesday night no less.”
There’s no anger or irritation in Neil’s voice. He is simply mildly curious. Andrew thinks that he should be irritated. He wishes Neil would demand answers, that he would choose to be the loud mouthed foul little instigator that he so often is. It would make all of this easier.
“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” Andrew says. He ignores how the words burn as they leave his mouth. Acid crawling up his throat.
“Do what?” Neil asks. His voice has lost its mild curiosity and is now strained. Andrew refuses to look at him.
“Us” Andrew answers simply. Neil barks half a laugh.
“I thought there wasn’t an ‘Us’” He says, his voice has an edge to it now, “you said this was nothing.”
“It is nothing.” Andrew confirms.
He wonders if they both have different definitions of the word, “I don’t… we can’t do this anymore”
“Can’t or don’t want to?” Neil asks.
It’s an important distinction and Andrew hates that Neil catches it.
“It doesn’t matter.” Andrew says. To say he doesn’t want to do this anymore would be a lie and he can’t lie to Neil but admitting they can’t would be an admission of wanting this to continue and he can’t bring himself to do that either.
“It does matter Andrew because if you’re saying we can’t then I deserve to know why.” Neil replies. His words are laced with an emotion Andrew doesn’t have a name for.
Andrew stares down at his coffee. He wishes it had the answers, that the words he needs to say would simply appear on the surface so that he could read it like a script.
“Have I done something wrong?” Neil asks quietly and that has Andrew’s head snapping up.
Looking at Neil is a mistake because there isn’t an ounce of anger on his face. It’s just… blank. He looks like he did when he first came to Palmetto. Only human in name alone.
“You haven’t done anything wrong.” Andrew confirms. He watches as Neil’s shoulders slump in relief. A touch of his humanity returns to his eyes.
“Then why?” Neil asks finally. Andrew looks away again.
“It’s… not a good idea.” Andrew says. Neil laughs at that. It’s short and brutal. It’s the sound he makes when someone’s said something incredibly outrageous to him.
“And when have you ever cared at all about what is a good idea or not?” Neil asks.
“I do when it comes to you.” The words slip past Andrew’s lips before he can stop them and he knows immediately and intimately that it’s the wrong thing to say. It’s an admission as clear as day.
He feels exposed, like all of his bones are on display. On instinct, he goes to take a step back but then realizes he’s already against the counter. There’s nowhere to go.
“What makes this not a good idea?” Neil asks. His voice has lost its edge. Out of the corner of Andrew’s eye he sees Neil move and he suppresses the urge to flinch so hard that his jaw clicks but Neil, Neil fucking Josten is not stalking towards Andrew to demand answers.
Instead, he is quietly retreating to the farthest point away from Andrew in the kitchen.
He’s giving Andrew his space even during an argument like this and Andrew fucking hates him.
This is the most considerate anyone has ever been of Andrew’s feelings and boundaries and he hates it.
He slumps against the counter and sets his mug down with a loud crack shortly followed by a wince.
“It’s just not a good idea.” He mumbles defeated.
“Can you tell me why? Maybe we can fix it.” Neil said.
White hot anger flashes through Andrew and he rounds on Neil.
“What if it’s not fixable?! What if this is all that I am? What if this is all I can ever give you?” He was nearly snarling by the end, all sharp teeth and barbed wire. It’s automatic.
A look of complete and utter confusion crosses Neil’s face and Andrew falters. He’s said too much.
“Andrew. What does that mean?” Neil asks softly.
Andrew doesn’t reply. He can’t. He turns away from Neil and braces himself against the counter, trying to breathe.
“Andrew… what do you mean?” Neil asks again, just as softly. Andrew shakes his head. His hands are trembling and he clenches his fingers against the counter.
“Can I come over there?” Neil asks this time.
Andrew almost shakes his head. It’s all too much. But then he thinks about how it feels when Neil’s trailing his fingers up and down his arms or running his fingers through Andrew’s hair. Pressing soft kisses to his forehead. He thinks about allowing himself comfort.
Andrew nods.
He doesn’t look at Neil as he crosses the room and comes to stand next to Andrew. Close enough to touch but far enough away that Andrew still has his space if he doesn’t want to be touched. God, he wants Neil to touch him so badly it makes him sick. He needs Neil to crack open his rib cage and hold his heart still, if only for a moment of relief.
“Yes or no?” Neil asks. His voice is feather soft.
Shakily, Andrew nods. Then, he realizes he needs to verbalize it so he mumbles a shaky yes.
Neil’s arms wrap around him and instinctively Andrew melts into him.
Andrew Minyard doesn’t cry. He hasn’t in over a decade. He can’t. It’s too much. Except he does. Neil is supporting his weight like it’s all he’d ever been meant to do in life and Andrew allows himself to cry.
For a moment he allows himself to feel every inch as wretched and terrible as he’s been told he was. He’s been broken and discarded so many times he’s lost count. Violence is etched like braille into his bones. He’s never known what it was like not to have to fight tooth and nail just to exist. All Andrew has ever been is endurance. It’s all he’s ever had to offer anyone. It’s the promise he’d made to Aaron, then Kevin, and finally, Neil.
It’s the promise Neil had Andrew rescind but he’d still stayed.
Together, they sink to the floor. Neil as Andrew’s steadfast anchor.
Andrew clings to Neil. Balls his fists up in his shirt so hard he’s nearly tearing the fabric. He’s fighting so hard to just breathe.
Neil does not offer him words of comfort. He doesn’t whisper nonsensical promises about how everything is going to be okay. Instead, he simply holds Andrew together the best he can while Andrew desperately tries to crumble to dust.
“I’ve got you.” Neil finally mumbles into Andrew’s hair. It’s not quite a true promise but one all the same. Andrew knows Neil means it with everything he has.
He has no idea how long they sit there on the floor of the kitchen but they stay there until everything is out of his system. Until he’s run out of tears and his throat feels like it’s made of glass shards.
“Do you wanna take a bath before bed?” Neil asks suddenly. The question is so out of place it startles Andrew a bit but he nods, grateful that Neil isn’t acknowledging his breakdown.
Neil gets up and gently pulls Andrew to his feet. Together they stumble to the bathroom on numb legs. Neil starts the bath and rummages around in the cabinet until he finds Nicky’s fancy bubble bath. He adds a generous amount to the bath, blinks down at it and then adds a bit more with a grin.
He heads for the door but Andrew catches his sleeve.
“Stay” he croaks. His voice is thick and scratchy from all the crying and he nearly winces at the sound of it. Neil nods.
“Okay.” He says, “I’ll turn around so you can get undressed.”
Andrew wants to say that’s unnecessary. Neil’s already seen him naked at least once but its yet another example of Neil respecting Andrew’s boundaries. He’s always trying to give him space and a choice wherever he can. Andrew’s chest aches so hard. He truly doesn’t know how he got here. What stroke of fate gave him Neil Josten but he knows better than to take it for granted.
He makes quick work of stripping his clothes and arm bands off before he steps into the hot water and lowers himself in.
“You can turn around now.” Andrew says quietly. Neil does and takes a seat on the floor against the sink. Andrew starts picking at the bandages on his hands.
“We need to talk about it eventually,” Neil said, “but not now if you don’t want to.”
Andrew slowly drug his gaze over to him. It took a second for the extra meaning behind his words to click. Neil was giving him several options with that statement.
He could be referring to Andrew’s breakdown, or the argument. Or both.
Briefly, they could pretend that all of this didn’t happen.
It was a truce.
“Tomorrow.” He said finally.
Neil hums in acceptance of that answer and Andrew sinks further down into the bath. He keeps going until his ears are fully submerged. He knows he shouldn’t get the bandages on his hands wet but he doesn’t care at the moment. The world around him shrinks into a bubble of muffled silence. He closes his eyes and just lets himself exist.
Three sharp rapps on the porcelain of the bathtub brings him out of his thoughts. He opens his eyes and looks up at Neil.
“You’re gonna drown.” He says matter of factly. Andrew raises an eyebrow.
“Is that an omen or a threat?” He asks with an amused look. Neil’s eyes narrow.
“You were falling asleep and were literally centimeters from submerging your nose! Do you know how awful drowning is?” With the last question, Neil’s voice has gone completely flat. It’s something Andrew noticed Neil did whenever he talked about any of the things that still haunt him.
Andrew didn’t like the implications of what Neil had just said at all.
“When?” Andrew asked, slightly more harshly than he meant to.
“Oh, it wasn’t really a big deal. It wasn’t like actually or anything. I’m fi-”
“Neil.” Andrew ground out, “truth.”
Neil sighed and sent Andrew a mournful look as he always did when Andrew invoked a truth.
“I think it’s technically called water boarding” Neil mumbled detached. It sounded like he was reading his notes aloud, “it’s a correction technique at the Nest.”
Andrew grit his teeth and seethed. For a second he was blinded by the overwhelming need to rip Riko limb from limb but then he remembered he’d already broken all the bones in his arm on live tv and then Neil had subsequently gotten him killed. Andrew felt marginally better.
“Anyways, out. It’s nearly four am. We’ve got to sleep.” Neil said. Andrew rolled his eyes and called Neil dramatic in German.
Neil huffed and disappeared from the bathroom. He reappeared shortly later with some of Andrew’s clothes in hand. He sat them on the counter by the sink, looked down at Andrew for a moment and tugged on his own sweatshirt in question. Andrew gave a short nod and Neil pulled his sweatshirt over his head and sat it atop the pile of clothes. Andrew’s eyes traced over the gnarled scars that criss crossed across Neil’s torso.
Satisfied he’d gotten everything Andrew needed but wouldn’t ask for, Neil left the room to wait outside.
Andrew got dressed slowly. He stared at his reflection in the mirror for far longer than he should have considering there was a knock on the door and a shouted “you’d better not be drowning in there! The cops surely won’t believe I’m innocent this time” Neil shouted from the other side of the door.
“Sorry, can’t hear you. Too busy drowning!” Andrew called back. He turned the sink on as his sound effects.
“Drew. I am so tired.” Neil’s voice came from the other side of the door. It was accompanied by a dull thump. Probably Neil banging his forehead on the door.
It wasn’t often that Neil called him Drew. In fact, Andrew was almost certain it was one of Neil’s pseudowords for ‘please’ since saying that was absolutely forbidden.
It had taken Andrew a little while to realize that Neil hadn’t simply stopped saying those words Andrew hated, but he’d replaced them in his life entirely.
Drew with its soft upcurl at the end, said as a sigh. Sometimes drawn out longer or even phrased as a question.
Occasionally, it was even said as a prayer. As if Andrew was the wretched thing worthy of Neil’s worship.
“I’m sorry” was less a group of words and more an action of sorts. Hence why Andrew referred to it as one of Neil’s Pseudowords. Neil didn’t have many reasons to apologize often, or really at all considering how infrequently they fought seriously.
But Neil apologized in actions and occasionally callous words.
It was often ‘offered solutions’ to a problem. Neil said ‘I’m sorry’ by examining the problem very carefully (not really) and picking what HE thought was the most appropriate response. Sometimes, he was wrong.
Well, most of the time he was wrong. (That was only according to everyone else around them. Andrew also agreed with murder as THE primary option, but the team had deemed him an outlier and ruled that his vote didn’t count and Renee refuses to allow him to use her voice to be evil)
But the most important part was that Neil was trying. His first instinct would always be to run. Neil noted potential escape routes automatically. He catalogued and annotated exits and routes windows on instinct. Andrew was sure Neil had mapped out in his head every building they’d ever stepped foot in
Andrew shut the sink off and exited the bathroom. Nearly throwing the bathroom door into Neil.
Neil blearily avoided the door smashing his nose in.
“Sleep time,” Neil said. He looked just as exhausted as Andrew felt.
Sometimes, Andrew forgot just how much Neil would push himself. He’d driven the whole way to Columbia after a particularly grueling practice with no complaint; however, Andrew didn’t feel guilty for asking him to, because he knew Neil would tell him no if he hadn’t wanted to. Andrew was just annoyed that Neil hadn’t expressed how tired he actually was. Getting the man to admit how he felt was still an ongoing process. Neil had said the words “I’m fine” so often that Andrew had nearly banned them altogether but if he was honest, he was mildly afraid of what Neil would replace them with.
“You could’ve already gone to bed.” Andrew says.
“Then you wouldn’t have.” Neil responds in a sleepy mumble. Andrew hates how right he is.
Somehow, Andrew’s asleep the moment his head hits the pillow.
It was very rare Andrew was allowed to wake on his own. If it wasn’t the shrill sound of his alarms, it was the disorienting actions of someone else.
Today though, he wakes up softly to an empty bed. How Neil had managed to get out of bed without waking Andrew up, he wasn’t sure.
Andrew takes his time dragging himself out of bed. He’d be in classes right now had they been back at Palmetto but here in Columbia he was free to do whatever. Even if only for the day.
Andrew pads into the kitchen right as Neil is unpacking a plastic bag of styrofoam to go containers.
“Morning. Forgot we didn’t have any food in the fridge so I ordered us breakfast.” Neil says.
“You say that like you were gonna cook something edible this morning.” Andrew says. Neil sends him a glare but he pays it no attention, instead leaning over and popping open one of the containers.
He’s met with a pile of French toast dusted with powdered sugar. He slides it over to himself and sits down in one of the bar chairs. Neil passes him a fork and a few packets of syrup.
Neil eats his breakfast standing up opposite of Andrew. Neither of them say anything, too afraid to shatter the careful peace they’ve built.
Andrew doesn’t want to talk about last night. Not in the slightest.
He knows if he tells Neil that he doesn’t, Neil will drop it. Anything and everything can be shelved for later if Andrew wants it to be.
Andrew’s still getting used to that concept, and how it makes him more willing to confront his issues head on.
Briefly, he entertained the idea of having Bee sit in and mediate this conversation but he knew she made Neil uncomfortable and he couldn’t imagine he would be comfortable enough to have a real conversation with her there. Even if Neil would readily agree to the idea just because Andrew asked.
A cup of coffee is placed in front of Andrew. He takes a sip and savors the burn. It’s made exactly how he likes it and for some reason, that chokes him up a bit. Neil had never asked how Andrew liked his coffee but he’d watched him make it and committed it to memory.
“About last night…” Andrew starts.
Neil goes completely still and looks at Andrew patiently.
Andrew struggles with putting what he wants to say into words that aren’t laced with venom and violence. Neil made him want to find the softer versions of things.
Finally, Andrew just settles on the bluntest option.
“I might never be able to give you a normal relationship.” Saying it aloud makes him feel weird. It sounds silly to his ears.
“What do you mean ‘normal’” Neil asks. He puts air quotes around the word Normal.
“We might not ever have sex and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to call you my boyfriend to the press or anyone.” Andrew says honestly.
“I already knew both of these things.” Neil replies. Andrew snaps his head up and meets Neil’s eyes. There’s no anger or any negative emotions to find there. He just looks confused.
“Andrew, do you think those are both things I want?” He asks quietly.
“They’re the normal way things work. I’m not… it’s not fair to you.” Andrew says. Neil cocks his head to the side and studies him for a moment.
“Neither of our lives have never been any semblance of normal.” Neil points out. Andrew nearly groans. He’s missing the entire point.
“Which is why you should be with someone who can give you normal.” Andrew says finally. Neil blinked at him owlishly.
“But I don’t want anyone else? You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted in my entire life Andrew.” Neil says. Andrew’s world tilts sideways at the casual revelation but Neil doesn’t seem to be done.
“I don’t care if we ever have sex or not. Nor do I care if we have a label to whatever this is or not. You called me yours. That’s always been enough for me.” Neil says.
Andrew stares at Neil’s face, trying to spot the lie.
“But I never even gave you a chance to even want those things.” Andrew says, “you might not even know what you’re missing.”
“Drew,” Neil breathes.
Andrew braces himself for what’s next.
“You told me to decide what it was I wanted when you kissed me,” Neil says, “and I did. The only thing that’s ever mattered to me like this is you. You were my decision. You and whatever that comes with. It’s a decision I’ll never regret.”
Andrew stares at Neil for an indescribable amount of time before he finally settles on, “I hate you.”
“What percent am I at now anyways?” Neil asks with a grin.
“150” Andrew answers dryly.
“Do I get to pick a prize if I can make it to 200?” Neil asks. Andrew narrows his eyes.
“What do you want?” He asks suspiciously.
Neil pretends to think about it with a hum and taps at his chin.
“A vacation if I’m being honest.” He says finally, “maybe we can take Kevin skiing.” He finished devilishly.
Andrew shakes his head, a ghost of his smile on his face.
“Oh, I can’t imagine he’d enjoy it.” Andrew says. Neil smiles.
“Oh he’d hate it for sure.” Neil says, “being that far from the court might kill him though.”
“It’s a risk we must be willing to make.” Andrew replies.
“We should also bring Jean. The ravens go Skiing. We could get them excessively bright snow jackets.” Neil says.
“Now we are talking.”