Work Text:
Shane was having a perfectly fine day so far.
It was early, but he'd woken up in a productive mood. It was too cold to go for a proper run, but running on his treadmill meant he could multi-task and answer some emails while he did his workout. Now, he was making his favorite green protein smoothie. He didn't make this kind often, otherwise he might lose some of the joy he got from drinking it.
This made sense, because despite what his parents and Hayden and Jackie and JJ and probably half the coaching staff seemed to think, Shane was perfectly fine. Sure, Rose had ended things four days ago, but their whole relationship had lasted three weeks in total. Not even a month. It wasn't weird that Shane wasn't super upset about it, even if everybody that Shane told acted like he'd just told them his entire life was over.
It would probably be easier to handle the fallout if Shane could convince himself to come out to anyone, but he couldn't even say it to himself in the mirror. The words got stuck in his throat every time he tried. He'd acknowledged his sexuality, but he hadn't really accepted it. The cognitive dissonance between the life he was living externally and the internal knowledge that he was gay weighed on him heavily. He wasn't sure how to stop feeling guilty just for existing.
But aside from that, Shane was fine. He was better than fine, actually. He'd played his final game before a truly unprecedented six day break from hockey last night. Tomorrow, he was driving to Ottawa to spend Christmas with his extended family—something he hadn't been able to do because of scheduling nonsense since 2014. He'd get to actually spend real time with them, instead of having to rush out the door to get to a game or practice. Maybe he could even relax for a little bit.
His smoothie was halfway done when he heard his phone buzz obnoxiously on the counter, somehow loud enough to hear over the blender. He could tell it was one of his teammates from the vibration pattern. He thought about ignoring it, but even the smallest possibility that this could be something important made Shane pick up his phone.
It wasn't important. It was just Hayden.
Shane was halfway through typing a denial of the fact that Rose dumped him when the fourth text came through. He froze. What?
The words he was reading on the screen weren't connecting in his brain. Rozanov going viral… that tracked. He did stupid shit that put him in tabloid headlines all the time. Shane knew that very well. Probably better than most people. Not that he kept up with them or anything. That would be weird. Rozanov going viral because of a bad reaction to a breakup… also tracked. Love drove people to do strange things and Rozanov was prone to doing strange things normally. But Rozanov going viral because of a bad reaction to a breakup with someone named Jane… it just didn't make any sense.
Shane took a deep breath. He could feel panic ebbing in. His hands were starting to shake. This was ridiculous. He could be logical about this. He had to be logical about this. He sorted through the realistic explanations. One: Hayden was lying or fucking with Shane. Least likely, but still worth considering. Two: Rozanov was fucking with Shane. Genuinely probable. He was an asshole. Three: There was another Jane. Most likely. Shane hadn't been keeping track of who Rozanov was seeing when he was with Rose. It was also in line with everything else Shane knew about Rozanov. He'd made it clear that he was very interested in women that day in Boston. It wasn't a far leap to assume he'd become interested in one specific woman.
But also, he'd implied that he was maybe into Shane, which led into the fourth option. This one wasn't really an option. Shane was focusing on realism. It was probably the other Jane thing.
Okay. That eliminated two options immediately. Hayden clearly wasn't lying, and if they weren't pictured together, Rozanov probably wasn't seeing a girl named Jane then.
Shane was torn. Half of him really didn't want to engage with this. He could ignore the videos, turn his phone off, and go about his day as he'd planned. It would be easy to push this situation to the back of his mind, like he did with everything related to Ilya Rozanov. But the other half was curious. He wanted to see Rozanov making a fool of himself—who wouldn't want to see that—but he also wanted to know if there was a possibility that he was Jane. It was foolish. Shane should have ignored that side of himself and moved on.
Of course, he didn't. He clicked on the link. He was never going to move on, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise.
Nina 🐻
@bbears817
stop has anybody seen the videos of roz singing drunk karaoke 😭😭
4.2K Retweets 509 Quote Tweets 11K Likes
stan cliff marlow @_puckaround · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817
literally what the fuck are you talking about
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Nina 🐻 @bbears817 · Dec 22
Replying to @_puckaround
someone posted like literally dozens of videos of the bears out at karaoke for this holiday party and roz was absolutely PLASTERED and crying for some reason
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Nina 🐻 @bbears817 · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817 and @_puckaround
here are my favorites
[Video transcript: Ilya Rozanov (Russian), Victor St Simon (French), Ryan Carmichael (Scottish), and every single Canadian player on the Boston Bears stand on a stage together with their arms around each other. They are obviously plastered and singing Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen, sharing three mics between seven people. It is obvious that nobody knows the words.]
[Video transcript: Ilya Rozanov on stage alone holding a mic and swaying. The opening to Sorry by Justin Bieber is playing through the speakers. He points to the crowd and slurs "This is for Jane". It is not a bad cover, until he starts crying as he sings "Cuz I'm missing more than just your body". He does not stop singing, even as the crying gets progressively worse throughout the song.]
[Video transcript: Cliff Marlow and Victor St Simon on the stage singing Baby by Justin Bieber. The camera pans to Ilya Rozanov in the corner as they sing "My first love broke my heart for the first time". He is still crying. Ryan Carmichael is attempting to comfort him, but he keeps shooting desperate glances at the other Bears players sitting at the table. They are all watching the stage and pointedly ignoring him. The camera returns to the stage to film St Simon delivering the Ludacris rap absolutely flawlessly.]
[Video transcript: Ilya Rozanov and Ryan Carmichael on the stage. Carmichael looks like he wants to die, Rozanov is still sort of crying but he also looks determined. They are singing Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes. The camera pans to the table of Boston Bears players watching solemnly. A few times, Ilya switches the song's pronouns. When one starts to laugh, everyone else shoves them until they shut up. They all applaud when it is over. Carmichael walks off the stage and immediately goes to the bar.]
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ben dpdl 🪵🚆 @chasingrozanov · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817
yes omg… its so funny but also kinda sad. like why are you singing justin bieber and shawn mendes what happened to you
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FUCK THE METROS @rozyscig · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817
he's kinda good though
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Nina 🐻 @bbears817 · Dec 22
Replying to @rozyscig
ikr, i was actually so surprised like he was spitting in some of them
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FUCK THE METROS @rozyscig · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817
probably because he wasn't crying yet LOLLLL
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FUCK THE METROS @rozyscig · Dec 22
Replying to @rozyscig and @bbears817
ilya rozanov full cover of hotline bling when??
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rowan
@rozanovas
luca just called me and woke me up at literally 2 am and he just yelled "DID YOU SEE" in my ear and for a second i genuinely thought ir81 got traded. but he was just being gay
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luca @ilyaology · Dec 22
Replying to @rozanovas
sorry i didn't mean to wake you i forgot about time zones for a second
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rowan @rozanovas · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyaology
no response to freaking me the fuck out?
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luca @ilyaology · Dec 22
Replying to @rozanovas
oh no i did that on purpose
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Richie
@richieinthecrease
Do we finally have an explanation for Rozanov's slump these last few weeks? Is the NHL's resident playboy having some relationship problems?
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Phil @BostonPhil81 · Dec 22
Replying to @richieinthecrease
Can't beleive Rozy's letting a girl affect his play that much. That Janes got him fucking whipped.
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Richie @richieinthecrease · Dec 22
Replying to @BostonPhil81
I know, it's disappointing. He should stand up and stop letting his puck bunny keep him in the dog house.
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Phil @BostonPhil81 · Dec 22
Replying to @richieinthecrease
LOL. For real.
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Sal Lucas @Guardiansfanatic · Dec 22
Replying to @richieinthecrease
Its borderline insulting that Rose Landry came in and fucked up Hollander's play and then this Jane fucked up Rozanov. Can the crazy women of the world not just stay away from them?
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Richie @richieinthecrease · Dec 22
Replying to @Guardiansfanatic
To be fair to Rose Landry (and her batshit crazy army of fans), Hollander's slump started before he met her. Not sure we can say the same for Rozanov's Jane because nobody knows who she is.
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Sal Lucas @Guardiansfanatic · Dec 22
Replying to @richieinthecrease
She's prolly mad ugly if he won't let himself get photographed with her
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Matty @MattyHattyPod · Dec 22
Replying to @Guardiansfanatic and @richieinthecrease
Maybe she's a pornstar
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Sal Lucas @Guardiansfanatic · Dec 22
Replying to @MattyHattyPod and @richieinthecrease
She prolly has to be too keep up with him
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Richie @richieinthecrease · Dec 22
Replying to @Guardiansfanatic and @MattyHattyPod
LOL. Truth.
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Rhys
@rhysnotrice
This #FindJane thing is so classic Rozanov it's unreal. Feels like we're in 2014 again. Good to be back.
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lottie @chirpingroz · Dec 22
Replying to @rhysnotrice
not someone breaking the heartbreakers heart i just KNOW she's fine
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Rhys @rhysnotrice · Dec 22
Replying to @chirpingroz
It's our year, I can feel it!
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chels 🦔
@ilyazanov_
who is jane and why is roz dedicating his cover of sorry to her #FindJane
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quinn !! @rozisms · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyazanov_
not someone breaking the heartbreakers heart i just KNOW she's fine
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chels 🦔 @ilyazanov_ · Dec 22
Replying to @rozisms
and making michey duet treat you better and nobody laughing literally what did this girl do to him and what is he doing to the bears omg
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maia @meeksirl · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyazanov_ and @rozisms
99% chance he deserved it
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quinn !! @rozisms · Dec 22
Replying to @meeksirl and @ilyazanov_
i wonder what her last straw was
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The smoothie sat half-melted and forgotten on the counter, still in the blender. Shane barely even remembered it was there. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his phone. The more he rewatched the videos of Ilya and the more he scrolled, the more he realized he was truly, deeply fucked.
It was quickly becoming undeniable that the Jane he'd been talking about was Shane. He was feeling these emotions because of Shane which was… confounding, to say the least. Shane didn't quite know how he was supposed to feel about this. There wasn't exactly a manual for how to deal with your ex-something very publicly dedicating sad, terrible karaoke to you. Something like that would probably have a really niche customer base.
He found it embarrassing, obviously. Most of the Boston Bears were fucking terrible singers, and those that weren't couldn't remember the lyrics to the songs they literally picked to save their lives. They all should have been really grateful that they were hockey players and not musicians—Ilya especially. Shane was breathless as he watched the videos, resisting the urge to cringe and bury his face in his hands. It really was embarrassing. It was also, unfortunately, turning Shane on for some reason. Knowing that while drunk, Ilya had chosen to do karaoke and whine about the fact that he wasn't hooking up with Shane anymore when he could have gone out and drowned his sorrows in the bed of some random girl… it made Shane's heart start to race, even though all he was doing was standing at his counter on his phone.
But it also pissed him off. The message that Ilya was sending out with the songs was completely different from the words they'd shared in Boston. Shane was going to get fucking whiplash from how quickly Ilya seemed to have changed his attitude. Just a few months ago, he was telling Shane everything was casual while bragging about how often he slept with women. Now, he was crying, apologizing, practically begging for Shane to come back to him, claiming he could treat Shane better as if he had the right to do that. As if they were even together in the first place.
Was that what Ilya wanted? To be together? Did Ilya actually miss Shane and not just the sex they had? Was he really so upset over Shane leaving and jealous over Rose that he'd do something like this? Or was Shane completely misinterpreting this entire thing?
It was the uncertainty of it all that really made Shane's head spin. At some point between that day in Boston and now, his brain had stopped registering his feelings for Ilya as something to fear and avoid thinking about at all costs. Not knowing how Ilya felt used to be intentional. Comforting. It meant that Shane hadn't let him get too close. But, they'd unknowingly crossed that line years ago. Now, Shane had started to actually care how Ilya felt about him. Now, the possibility that he didn't like him was petrifying.
He wasn't sure how he'd let his own emotions get so far out of his control. It was all so fucking infuriating. He was standing in his kitchen, worrying about whether he was misinterpreting signals like he was a teenager again. But no matter how much it pissed him off, it was too late to turn back now. Shane was in this. He had to talk to Ilya—to know the truth—even if it would fucking kill him to be the one to reach out first and he had to do it now. Otherwise, he'd talk himself out of it and spend the rest of his life (or at least until the All-Star Game in late January) torturing himself with what-ifs. If Ilya was done with Shane, it would probably be the worst thing to ever happen to him, but at least he would finally know and it would be fucking over.
Shane couldn't think of a good way to start this conversation, especially not when he could still see the last time they'd texted. He typed and retyped his message probably over twenty times. It never felt quite right. The tone was always too accusatory or too casual or just strange. Eventually, he got so annoyed at himself for nitpicking that he just closed his eyes, pressed send on the last thing he'd written, and very maturely resisted the urge to throw his phone across the room.
The messages went through, which meant he wasn't blocked. Shane steadied his erratic breathing. This was good. He could work with this. He could be patient.
His body was thrumming with nervous energy, so he carefully set his phone down on the counter and turned his attention to making a new smoothie and deep cleaning his entire apartment. It really didn't need to be cleaned, but Shane was pretty sure if he didn't direct his energy into something that wasn't waiting for a text back from Ilya, he'd work himself up into a mindset not exactly conducive to the calm, mature discussion he wanted to have. He didn't need to make himself angrier at Ilya's previous lack of communication or convince himself this whole thing was a terrible idea. He needed to get down on his knees and scrub his baseboards.
Four hours had passed before Shane finally deemed his apartment spotless and allowed himself to pick up his phone again. He had dozens of notifications, but none from Ilya. Shane couldn't even pretend not to be disappointed. He resisted the urge to send another text by returning to Twitter, open in a Safari browser tab because he didn't actually have the app downloaded.
The conversation and hashtag had really picked up steam, with the internet seemingly divided on Ilya's behavior. Some thought it was a big romantic gesture. Others thought it was weird or embarrassing or even manipulative. Honestly, it was the first time he really understood how people could spend hours on social media. He was fully engrossed in the discourse around Ilya. People were constantly posting about it. Some of those people had his face as their profile picture or his name as part of their username, which was still surreal even after all these years in the public eye.
It seemed to Shane like the entire hockey community on Twitter was talking about this. Hell, even some of Ilya's own teammates that were in the videos had gotten involved.
luca
@ilyaology
ok but what if this is actually all just a cover up to hide the fact that the bears are bad this year
547 Retweets 138 Quote Tweets 8K Likes
ana @hollzysgirl · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyaology
the bears are bad literally every year
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luca @ilyaology · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzysgirl
shane hollander in profile picture opinion denied
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cammie @puckpuckgoose · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyaology
the bears might be bad this year but montreal is worse !!!!!!!
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luca @ilyaology · Dec 22
Replying to @puckpuckgoose
trueeee i can take solace in that
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Kat
@shaydenwarrior
Half of me wants to laugh at Rozanov and the other half is weirded out because WDYM he never went anywhere with this girl only to beg for her back in public? I want to#FindJane so I can tell her to stay away from him!
15 Retweets 70 Quote Tweets 884 Likes
Kat @shaydenwarrior · Dec 22
Replying to @shaydenwarrior
You can PQRT me but it will never erase the fact that this was embarrassing and strange. Shane Hollander would never do this.
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lonnie @barrettsbabe17 · Dec 22
Replying to @shaydenwarrior
maybe i'm fucked in the head but i thought it was kind of romantic…
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Kat @shaydenwarrior · Dec 22
Replying to @barrettsbabe17
LOL you're a Toronto fan. Of course you're fucked in the head.
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lonnie @barrettsbabe17 · Dec 22
Replying to @shaydenwarrior
strong words from user shaydenwarrior
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vivi ⚢
@hollzbianism
i can't believe i live in a world where i want ilya fucking rozanov to win
#FindJane
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vivi ⚢ @hollzbianism · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzbianism
cuz i'm the first to shit on ir81 but i also love love so now i feel an obligation to defend him. it's complicated ok.
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vivi ⚢ @hollzbianism · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzbianism
who knows maybe finally being in a relationship will actually make him tolerable
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olive @R0ZB1ANS · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzbianism
i can't believe i live in a word where i agree with a hollander stan
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vivi ⚢ @hollzbianism · Dec 22
Replying to @R0ZB1ANS
wanting love to prevail brings us all together i guess
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olive @R0ZB1ANS · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzbianism
thats deep as fuck for hockeytwt drama
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vivi ⚢ @hollzbianism · Dec 22
Replying to @R0ZB1ANS
i contain multitudes
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DONATE LINK IN BIO
@SaveTheAnimals2k16
You people need to readjust your priorities. Everybody is on Twitter talking about some random hockey player, and completely ignoring the fact that the ice caps are melting. I hate society.
297 Retweets 568 Quote Tweets 2.4K Likes
Nina 🐻 @bbears817 · Dec 22
Replying to @SaveTheAnimals2k16
no offense but what is the correlation between these two things
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DONATE LINK IN BIO @SaveTheAnimals2k16 · Dec 22
Replying to @bbears817
Oh good, it's you! You're a terrible person. You started this stupid conversation when there's actual real problems in the world. There's better ways to use your time and platform.
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Nina 🐻 @bbears817 · Dec 22
Replying to @SaveTheAnimals2k16
this is literally twitter
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chels 🦔
@ilyazanov_
why did four different bears members like this tweet.
chels 🦔 @ilyazanov_ · Dec 22
and making michey duet treat you better and nobody laughing literally what did this girl do to him and what is he doing to the bears omg
43 Retweets 16 Quote Tweets 2.1K Likes
Cliff Marlow 
@cliff7marlow · Dec 22
Replying to @ilyazanov_
We're all just glad the world is finally seeing our struggles.
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chels 🦔 @ilyazanov_ · Dec 22
Replying to @cliff7marlow
WHAT THE FUCK
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Cliff Marlow reposted
lizzie
@marlowormarleau
i'm starting a petition to make roz's cover of sorry the official goal song of the bears who's signing
2.8K Retweets 121 Quote Tweets 21K Likes
Cliff Marlow reposted
medina 🐠
@deansilyas
#FindJane so that we never have to suffer through Roz doing sad karaoke ever again
1.1K Retweets 36 Quote Tweets 10K Likes
Cliff Marlow reposted
jas
@voidedfalling
and i thought the video of st simon literally slipping on a banana peel was the most embarrassing a boston bear could ever be on video. clearly roz always needs to be the best at everything
3K Retweets 109 Quote Tweets 9K Likes
Cliff Marlow reposted
NUNYA BIS
@beefrozanov
enough about rozanov let's talk about cm7's actually insane vocals like are you kidding
560 Retweets 11 Quote Tweets 2.6K Likes
Cliff Marlow
@cliff7marlow
Jane, if you're out there… he's sorry #FindJane
5.5K Retweets 253 Quote Tweets 32K Likes
Victor @vicstsi · Dec 22
Replying to @cliff7marlow
Seriously. We're begging. Please. Take him back.
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Ryan Carmichael @micheyofficial · Dec 22
Replying to @cliff7marlow
Like I'm not going to lie he probably did that shit and he probably deserves this but we don't and we are the ones suffering!!!!
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🖇️ @godzllas · Dec 22
Replying to @micheyofficial, @vicstsi, and @cliff7marlow
did what shit
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Cliff Marlow @cliff7marlow · Dec 22
Replying to @godzllas, @micheyofficial, and @vicstsi
Man, that's the thing. Nobody fucking knows what happened.
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Ryan Carmichael @micheyofficial · Dec 22
Replying to @cliff7marlow, @godzllas, and @vicstsi
It's like he woke up one day and decided to turn evil.
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🖇️ @godzllas · Dec 22
Replying to @micheyofficial, @cliff7marlow, and @vicstsi
if you don't know what happened then how do you know he did it
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Victor @vicstsi · Dec 22
Replying to @godzllas, @micheyofficial, and @cliff7marlow
It's Roz.
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🖇️ @godzllas · Dec 22
Replying to @vicstsi, @cliff7marlow, and @micheyofficial
you know what fair point
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Shane had been scrolling for almost an hour by the time he managed to tear his attention away from Twitter. It had felt like maybe five minutes. Jesus. No wonder this stuff was addictive. Once this situation was over, Shane was definitely going to have to go back to being completely offline. He didn't need this kind of distraction.
He hadn't gotten a text back, which was totally fine. He wasn't mad about it. He was being so patient. Ilya was probably still asleep. Shane could wait.
Some texts and emails had piled up, so Shane focused on replying to those. His mom had sent over some contracts, which weren't particularly interesting. Still, he looked them over thoroughly and sent back a long list of his questions and concerns. He hearted the picture Jackie sent of Hayden and their kids with a mall Santa. Rose had sent him a several minute long voice memo about her on-set drama, which he diligently listened and responded to. Once every other notification had been cleared from his phone, Shane clicked back to Ilya's contact. He'd really intended to just remind himself that he had, in fact, actually sent Ilya the texts but his breath caught in his throat.
Read 13:52. That was ten minutes ago. Still no response.
Shane took a deep breath and reminded himself that that wasn't abnormal. Ilya had a tendency to read messages right as he woke up and then forget to respond the moment he swiped away. Shane probably just needed to remind him that he wanted to talk.
The delivered message changed to read within the minute, but the little typing bubble never appeared. Shane furrowed his brow. Was Ilya ignoring him? Was he busy? The longer he waited for a response knowing that Ilya had seen his messages, the more Shane's patience wore thin. He made it seven minutes before texting again, which was probably a mistake. Shane knew from locker room talk that triple texting a girl was bad and made you seem desperate and crazy. He didn't want to know what sextuple texting someone looked like.
Shane scoffed when he realized what Ilya had done. So that was how they were going to play it then. Fine.
Okay. So, Shane might have lost his mind a little bit there. He was kind of mean and gave away a lot more than he'd intended to, but once he was typing, it was like he couldn't stop. He just needed to put it all on the table. Ilya didn't reply to any of it. Somehow, that cut deeper than anything he could have said back.
Shane forced himself off the couch and off his phone. He needed to take a metaphorical step back and look at this objectively—to actually try and understand Ilya. To figure out a way to get him to actually talk to Shane.
Truthfully, it actually wasn't all that surprising that Ilya was ignoring him. He had ignored Shane a lot over the years. It was kind of his favorite thing to do when he was annoyed or hurt, and the karaoke videos had basically confirmed that he was hurt by Shane. From Ilya's perspective, it probably looked like Shane had just thrown himself into the arms of the nearest woman to avoid his feelings. Which… Okay. That wasn't wrong, actually. Shane could admit that he wasn't exactly acting rationally in that moment. Or any of the moments following it. He probably still wasn't acting rationally.
But Shane had never been able to handle Ilya's constant mixed signals well. Their entire relationship had been full of periods where it seemed like Ilya couldn't get enough of Shane and periods where it seemed like he couldn't get away from him faster. He was the one who ignored Shane for months, constantly claimed their relationship was casual, and talked openly about Svetlana and all the other women he was fucking. He was also the one who pursued Shane for almost two years, asked Shane to stay over, and called him by his first name. It was just confusing.
Ugh. Shane wished he could go back to life before he realized he actually had feelings for Rozanov. Everything was so much easier when he was lying to himself.
That stupid Justin Bieber song kept playing over and over again in Shane's mind as he paced. It got to the point where he just started playing the entire album on the rarely used speakers he had strategically placed around his apartment. The album was… not his personal taste in music. Don't get him wrong, Shane would always support a Canadian artist and he didn't listen to music that often, but if he did, it wouldn't be that. It didn't help that the lyrics kept pissing him off because of how relevant they felt.
Shane had no idea where to go from here. He wasn't going to break his own heart, but Ilya clearly didn't want to do it for him. He couldn't make Ilya text him back but… maybe he could take a page out of Ilya's playbook. Do something very public and a little stupid to get his attention. But what could he possibly do that would get enough publicity but also wouldn't immediately out them both…
Fuck. Shane knew what he was going to do. Something he had previously said on multiple occasions he'd literally never do.
He downloaded the Twitter app and created a profile.
Follow
Jane
@jane1221
MTL
Joined December 2016
0 Following 0 Followers
The art of making a social media account was not something Shane was skilled in. Especially not a burner account. His Instagram username was literally ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer. It took him well over an hour to create an account that had just enough identifying information that Ilya would be able to tell it was him on the off chance he saw the account, but still remained ambiguous.
Once the account was made and he'd quadruple checked that it couldn't be traced back to him, Shane paused. He hadn't actually thought about what to post.
He stared at his screen for what felt like an endless amount of time. His brain kept circling back to the karaoke of it all. If Ilya could leave a message in the form of a terrible Justin Bieber song, then maybe Shane could as well. In a different form though. Shane wouldn't be caught dead singing in public.
Jane
@jane1221
0 Retweets 0 Quote Tweets 0 Likes
It felt stupid. Shane felt stupid. Obviously nobody was going to see this. He was clearly going a little bit insane.
Shane didn't really like that someone had this much power over him. He felt like a teenage girl with a crush. It was ridiculous. This wasn't who he was. He was usually so… controlled. Restrained. Normal, even. Certainly not posting Tweets on accounts with no followers in hopes that maybe the guy he likes would see it and want to stop ignoring him.
Whatever. The post was out there now. He turned his phone off and plugged it in in his kitchen. The whole thing sort of slipped to the back of his mind as he went through his nighttime routine and finished packing to visit his parents. Shane had a nice, relaxing family vacation to look forward to. He pushed the earlier anger and anxiety out of his mind with some meditation right before he went to sleep, and actually found that he woke up feeling rested and normal. Calm, even.
That lasted right up until he turned his phone on, which promptly had a fucking meltdown. Notification after notification piled up. All from Twitter. All from the Jane account.
Follow
Jane
@jane1221
MTL
Joined December 2016
0 Following 4.5K Followers
Jane
@jane1221
4K Retweets 2.6K Quote Tweets 35K Likes
leah
@weIIingtonkiss
was searching for jane because im nosy and came across this… odds of it being real?
Jane @jane1221 · Dec 22
11 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 42 Likes
maia @meeksirl · Dec 22
Replying to @weIIingtonkiss
account made in december 2016… yeah absolutely not 😭
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leah @weIIingtonkiss · Dec 22
Replying to @meeksirl
it would be so funny though
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faith @_cutshot · Dec 22
Replying to @weIIingtonkiss
it's definitely not real but i want it to be so it is
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leah @weIIingtonkiss · Dec 22
Replying to @_cutshot
lowkey thank god for ilya rozanov. bringing back real messy hockey player personal life drama!!
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elle @seokjinsfavebae · Dec 22
Replying to @weIIingtonkiss
wait i'm not all that invested in sports but i'm confused by this. isn't a player on the drillers actively dating his stalker??
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leah @weIIingtonkiss · Dec 22
Replying to @seokjinsfavebae and @_cutshot
ok well i don't like the drillers so it doesn't count
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vivi ⚢
@hollzbianism
if this is real this just got so much more interesting
Jane @jane1221 · Dec 22
873 Retweets 110 Quote Tweets 3.4K Likes
bella @pushinghollander · Dec 22
Replying to @hollzbianism
ilya rozanov giving a girl mixed signals? this is completely unexpected… i mean nobody in boston could have seen this coming
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olive @R0ZB1ANS · Dec 22
Replying to @pushinghollander and @hollzbianism
i want to defend my man but like. you kinda got his ass i can't lie
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elodie
@hollanovs
i'm inclined to believe that jane account is real because the location says MTL and it pushes my agenda
7 Retweets 44 Quote Tweets 124 Likes
elodie @hollanovs · Dec 23
Replying to @hollanovs
just saying shane rhymes with jane… and ilya switched the pronouns in his cover of treat you better… which he sang at the same time shane hollander is dating rose landry
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quinn !! @rozisms · Dec 23
Replying to @hollanovs
you're connecting dots i didn't even know existed
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elodie @hollanovs · Dec 23
Replying to @rozisms
what can i say? i'm clinically insane!!
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Kat @shaydenwarrior · Dec 23
Replying to @hollanovs
Delete your account.
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elodie @hollanovs · Dec 23
Replying to @shaydenwarrior
oh my god i've blocked you like 7 times how do you keep coming back
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bella @pushinghollander · Dec 23
Replying to @hollanovs and @shaydenwarrior
she keeps getting suspended because of her shayden proof stalker theories
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Kat @shaydenwarrior · Dec 23
Replying to @pushinghollander and @hollanovs
It is NOT my fault that you people can't see the objective truth when it is presented to you!!
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elodie @hollanovs · Dec 23
Replying to @shaydenwarrior and @pushinghollander
aren't you the one who created the reborn baby child actor theory?? at least i've never pretended like hollanov is anything other than a crack ship
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elodie @hollanovs · Dec 23
Replying to @hollanovs and @pushinghollander
aaaaand i'm blocked again!!
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luca
@ilyaology
this is so funny. your man publicly admits that he's sorry and he fucked up and that he could treat you better than anyone else and you reply with "make up your fucking mind"
Jane @jane1221 · Dec 22
4.1K Retweets 227 Quote Tweets 90K Likes
luca @ilyaology · Dec 23
Replying to @ilyaology
its especially funny because this just seems like a case of hookup miscommunication. one conversation could probably solve this entire issue
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eli @kittyilya · Dec 23
Replying to @ilyaology
luca you're 15 wtf do you know about hookup miscommunication
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luca @ilyaology · Dec 23
Replying to @kittyilya
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Christ. If this random burner could get this much attention, Shane didn't even want to imagine how many notifications his main account would get. Thank god he didn't need to have access to his own accounts. This would freak him out.
From what he observed, it seemed to be a 60/30/10 split between people who believed the account was fake, people who thought it was probably fake but found it funnier to act like it was real, and people who genuinely believed it was the real Jane. Shane supposed that made sense. He probably wouldn't believe it if he wasn't the one who created the account.
Instead of making breakfast like he should have been doing, Shane kept scrolling. Twenty minutes passed before he managed to shake himself out of the trance. He closed out the app, switched to the iMessage app, and promptly stopped breathing.
His jaw hit the floor. Shane genuinely could not believe that the plan actually worked. And, based on the timestamp, it only took two hours for the account to get Ilya's attention.
Fuck. Maybe Shane should act a little out of character more often.
As much as Shane's brain wanted him to sit around and wait around for a message back, he had to get himself together for his drive to his parents. It wasn't long, but Shane was expected there by eleven so he could have a late breakfast with his family. Or so he could sit at the table and watch everyone else eat. His entire morning routine was thrown off by his sudden foray into social media addiction. He still had to work out, eat breakfast, finish wrapping his presents, and put everything in his car, all by 8:45.
Somehow, he managed it. The car was packed and he was off at exactly 8:43. He liked driving from Montreal to Ottawa. He'd done it so many times throughout his life that he could probably do it in his sleep. Still, he pulled up the directions on the little screen in his car and let the robot feed him the familiar directions.
An hour or so in, Shane's phone buzzed a few times in the cupholder.
"You have three new messages from Lily," his car announced cheerfully. Shane was pulling off the highway and into a gas station parking lot before he even consciously realized he was doing it. He wasn't going to text and drive—he didn't have a death wish for himself and everybody around him—but he would drive himself insane if he had to wait until he got to his parents to reply.
Ilya read the message immediately, but he didn't reply. The typing bubbles appeared for a minute, and then went away. Shane could feel panic start to claw its way up his throat once it hit minute three without a reply. He forced himself to try and stay calm. He was halfway through his third box breathing cycle when his phone buzzed again.
Shane sniffed. A single tear slipped down his cheek.
Fuck. He normally loved being logical, but this really hurt. He hadn't broken Shane's heart, but he hadn't made him feel better either. They were stuck in some sort of fucked up limbo, with nothing between them but an acknowledgement of mutual feelings and the promise of a future.
Obviously, the choice to not take things further until they both retired made sense. Ilya had been right when he said there wasn't another choice. Hockey culture was so conservative, both politically and morally. Traditional values were prioritized above all else, especially on a legacy obsessed team like Montreal. Being gay was bad enough in their eyes, but fucking another player? Fucking your rival? Absolutely out of the question. Shane and Ilya would be laughed out of the sport.
At least now Shane knew he wasn't imagining what he'd felt between them. He let himself wallow in self-pity for a few more moments before he collected himself. Shane couldn't waste anymore time falling apart over this. He was going to be late.
The rest of the drive was uneventful. By the time Shane made it to his parents house—twenty minutes behind schedule—there was no physical evidence that he'd been upset. He couldn't quite get rid of the deep-seated ache that was living in his chest though. He could feel it every time he breathed. It made him feel hollow.
It was nice to see his family. It always was. Shane stumbled through a conversation with his grandmother in Japanese before she took pity on him and started speaking French. She never judged him for his elementary-level Japanese. She just squeezed his face and told his mother he wasn't eating enough while everyone laughed. The entire family ribbed him about Rose, backed off once he told them about the breakup, and then ribbed him about fumbling Rose Landry as soon as they realized he wasn't upset about it. He let his oldest cousin hand him her three week old daughter so she could nap in the guest room. The baby was ridiculously cute, and she absolutely hated that Shane was the one holding her. Still, he held her dutifully and tried to soothe her cries. Once the baby was finally out of his hands and no longer screaming, Shane took a group of the younger kids to the nearby outdoor rink. He let them beat him at hockey, laughing the entire time.
They all left before dinner, leaving Shane and his parents to finish decorating the tree, as per their tradition. When Shane was a kid, it had been a grand affair with hot chocolate and music and a roaring fire. Now, it was calmer. Just the three of them putting decades-old ornaments on a fake plastic tree, because they were all allergic to the real ones. Shane sorted through the boxes in a sweater while his parents bickered about… Honestly, Shane didn't even remember what. It was sweet to watch. His dad wrapped a hand around his mom's waist. She leaned into his touch, looking up at him with the same lovestruck expression that Shane had seen on her face in pictures from when they were in college. They were caught up in their own little bubble. It was like nothing else mattered to them but each other.
Shane was suddenly nauseous. Fuck, he wanted that. He wanted that with Ilya more than he'd ever wanted pretty much anything in his life.
In the future, he reminded himself. You have that to look forward to once you're retired.
It wasn't enough to soothe the still-growing ache in his chest. It felt like he was being split in half. Shane didn't want to retire for at least ten years. Was he just supposed to be miserable for the next decade, all so he could keep up some appearance of being a perfect role model?
For maybe the first time in his life, Shane wanted to make a decision based on what he wanted. It wasn't smart or good for his brand or well thought out. He just wanted the chance to be happy.
Didn't he deserve that?
"I'm gay," Shane blurted out. The words were out of his mouth before he even realized he was saying them.
Well. That was one way to do it.
"Oh!" His mom covered her mouth with her hand. He could literally see the gears turning in her mind as she processed this.
"I'm sorry," Shane tried to say as he stood up. It got stuck in his throat and came out quiet and broken. The neutral expression on his dad's face crumpled. He crossed the room in two large strides and wrapped Shane in a bone-crushing hug. His mom was on them in an instant, her hand running through Shane's hair. The three of them collapsed in a pile on the floor.
Shane let himself break. He didn't need to stay strong in the arms of his parents. One sniffle turned into full body sobs, his head tucked into his dad's shoulder. It was the first time he'd really cried in years.
"Oh, my boy," His dad whispered into his hair. "You have nothing to be sorry for. We're so proud of you."
Shane pulled away, wiping his hands under his eyes to try and get rid of the tears. "I really tried. I promise. I tried to be normal. I just… can't do it anymore."
"Sweetheart." His mom looked genuinely shattered. She cupped his face with one hand and forced him to look in her eyes. "You are normal. Never let anyone convince you you're anything else."
"I know this is going to be really hard for my branding and–"
"I don't care about your branding right now. I care about you."
Shane took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
"We're just happy you feel comfortable enough to tell us now," His dad squeezed his shoulder.
"I've always… sort of known. I just didn't want to accept it." Shane brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Rose helped a lot. She's the one who told me that I didn't need to keep trying anymore. She's a good friend"
"Is she the only other one who knows?"
"No, there's…" Shane felt his face go hot. "There's someone else."
His mom's expression changed. She gave him a little half-smile. "That was a reaction. Something you need to tell us?"
"Yuna," His dad chuckled. "He just came out to us. We don't need to go digging in his love life yet."
"Wha– We're his parents! That's our job!"
His dad shook his head fondly. "You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to, Shane."
"No, it's fine. I'm not dating anyone, if that's what you're asking." Shane tapped his fingers against his leg and let his forehead rest against his knees. He was probably having a panic attack. "There is someone, though. We've been… casual for a few years. I think that's all we'll ever be able to be, at least until w– I retire. So, like, another decade."
His mom's hand settled between his shoulderblades. "Oh, honey. That's sad."
He shrugged and squeezed his eyes shut. His mom was rubbing a soothing pattern up and down his back. They sat in silence until Shane confessed, "I know. I don't want to wait that long to be happy."
"So don't," His dad said, like it was that simple. "Take the risk."
Shane lifted his head to look his parents in the eyes. His voice wobbled when he whispered, "But I'm scared."
"That means it's worth it." His mom looked intense. Determined. It was a familiar expression, but rarely was it ever so comforting. "You deserve to be happy, Shane. I know you think hockey is the be-all, end-all of your life, and I know I probably didn't help by putting so much pressure on you, but it isn't. You are so much more than your hockey skills. You could tell me right now that you're planning to quit the league, elope with Ilya fucking Rozanov, and move to Lithuania or something and I might have some follow-up questions, but I'd support you because you are my son."
Shane let out a bark of laughter. He felt himself turning even redder. "Jesus, Mom."
"What? I know it's ridiculous, but I'm just saying. There's nothing you could do that would make us stop loving you. Not even marrying Ilya Rozanov."
"Oh my god." Shane buried his face in his hands. "Mom. I need you to stop talking."
His parents both laughed, because they truly thought it was a joke. Well, they'd be in for a surprise one day.
"What your mother is trying to say is that this doesn't change anything for us," his dad patted Shane's knee. "We just want you to be happy."
"I think I might be. With him, I mean."
"Is it love?" Shane's mom asked.
Oh. Something clicked into place in Shane's mind. He dropped his hands. "Um. I don't– I haven't– We haven't really–"
"Shane. Honey," His mom took Shane's hands in hers. "Forget hockey. Forget everything else. That doesn't matter. All that matters is what you feel. So, is it love?"
Again, she asked the question like it was so simple. Like Shane hadn't spent the last six years systematically repressing every possible thought that he might be in love with Ilya Rozanov. It honestly hadn't even fully occurred to Shane until this moment that love was the emotion he was feeling, but now that he knew, it was really undeniable.
Shane smiled a little, mostly to himself. "Yeah. It's love."
Saying it felt like lifting a weight off of his chest. He could breathe a little easier.
"So make it work."
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." His dad nudged him gently.
Shane laughed, rolling his eyes. "When Harry Met Sally? Really? You're quoting When Harry Met Sally to me?"
"I just thought you might need a reminder of what's important," he shrugged. Then, he got up off the floor with an exaggerated groan and offered a hand to help Shane up. He took it, then offered his own hand to his mom. "Welp. Now that we're done with that… we've still got to finish decorating the tree."
"Thanks. For everything." Shane smiled again and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I'll join you in a second."
His dad's eyes sparkled. "You've got to see about a boy?"
"That's not even the same movie, Dad."
"Ah, it's close enough."