Work Text:
An attempt to keep someone out is often enough to do it. That's really unfortunate when you don't have the tools to ask for what you need, and it's extra unfortunate when the person you're trying to keep out doesn't have the tools to give you what you need. Weak attempts to keep people away when you need them close are enough to keep the people you need the most at bay. Sometimes a door feels much more like a wall.
I find myself constantly closing myself in a room. I don't lock the door, I don't tell even tell anyone to go away anymore. I just need him to open it. I just need him to hear me needing him and open the door.
That's not how we ask for things, though, is it?
Maybe I have asked, maybe I haven't. I can't remember. I can't remember if I got on my knees and begged or suggested what I wanted in passing. Maybe I screamed at Thoma about it. That one sounds more like me. Not because I remember screaming at him, but because my softest request has him reacting like I shot him. I don't recall yelling, I don't remember ever being mean, but he always acts like I have, so I must have. At this point we've been together for years, I have to have done something so cruel that he acts like this with me. So maybe I don't deserve what I want. Maybe that's why it's so easy to get to me from my room. Maybe the door stays unlocked because how can someone as cruel as me expect someone to put in any effort to get closer.
I lost my vision a couple weeks ago. I must have gotten especially cruel then. I don't remember what exaclty I did, I just remember it was taken from me and all of a sudden I was discharged by Kokomi. She hasn't talked to me much, Thoma hasn't either. It's more noticable when he doesn't talk to me, we live together and I pay for everything. I've left the door open for him, though. I'm not sure if I should have to ask him to be kinder to me, though I'm not sure if he has time to be.
I tried to stay positive. To keep a smile on my face and hold the weight of my heart like it was nothing. I guess it really was nothing. It must've been obvious that my smile was hiding an absence behind it. The weight of my heart must've been so little that it had me floating in an unsettling manner. I should've expected this, really, but about a week after I lost my vision, I woke up one morning and Thoma was gone. He usually was, so I didn't think anything of it, but after hours of mulling over weather it was even worth it to get up, I heaved myself out of bed and went into our front room, where a note was pinned to the front door.
I should've felt my heart drop, but I didn't. Maybe it filled back up a little, there was weight there now, but I was still floating above everything. I willed my body to avoid the note all day. I snacked on some crackers, laid on the couch, tried to tidy up, but I was never good at that. When Thoma gets home, he'll help me.
Time passed. So slow that if I didn't know any better I'd think it had stopped. It wasn't a tedious kind of slow, just the kind of slow where it felt like I had much more time on my hands. I acclimated pretty fast to this new passage of time without my vision, I didn't even realize Thoma should've been home hours ago when I finally checked the time.
He wasn't there to help soothe me to sleep either. But that's okay. He's busy. There's a war going on, after all.
Days and days passed, I wondered if he'd maybe been killed, that made my heart heavier. I still ignored the note, still snacked, still laid on the sofa, still tried to tidy but the house only got messier as each day progressed. More days, more snacking. More days, more laying on the couch. More days, more tidying an endlessly messy house. At some point I forgot I was even avoiding the note on the door. There was an uncanny bliss to this routine I'd built. My house was trashed, my couch and bed began to have clear imprints of my entire body, I started noticing flies all around, yet it was all mine. I felt suffocated, but by a warm cloud that only beckoned me in further.
At some point, I ran out of food. I didn't care. More days passed. I didn't even have a person to make me feel like I needed to justify all of this to. There was no thought process behind my sudden apathy. There was no "it doesn't matter anyways." No one was here to ask why I didn't care, and the justifications have long since faded from my memory.
I wasn't sure how long had passed, but eventually a gentle knock on my door pushed it's way into my ears. I laid there for a second still, not fully registering, before the image of thoma bloomed into my mind. My ears perked up, high as they'd ever been since I lost my vision, and I stumbled off the couch to the door and fiddled with the handle until it opened.
There he was, with a blonde haired boy and a floating little fairy. Him and the boy both had a couple heavy-looking bags.
"Thoma!!" I wrangled from my throat, the actual words coming out much higher than normal. I must not have spoken in days, I sounded like a girl again, "I missed you!"
My attention turned to the boy and his fairy, "Who's this?"
The fairy's face lit up, "Oh oh! Paimon-" She was quickly given a glare by the man though, to which she softened her tone, "Paimon is paimon… and this is Aether.."
"Paimon and…" I murmured, trying to get a good look at Aether. I recognized him from the Watatsumi army, I think he worked with—
oh!
"Oh, you're the traveller! It's nice to meet you!"
The man nodded, but Thoma seemed to be eyeing the table next to the door. I followed his gaze, where it landed on—
my vision?
Now I started to feel my heart sink, and for the first time in weeks my mind went from completely blank to thoughts beginning to race in and out, Why was it out here? Why is it just sititng there? Who brought it back here and when?? When did they get it back? Is the war over? Why did he-
"We just wanted to drop by and get you some groceries," Thoma said, his voice covering my thoughts with a sheer blanket, "No one's seen you around for a few months, we wanted to make sure you were doing okay."
Months???
My heart got heavier, sinking from my chest to level with the bottom of my lungs, "Oh, sure… Come on in," I said, stepping out of the way so the three of them could come in.
"Wow! This place is trashed!" Paimon commented the moment she flew through the door earning a grunt from Aether but I could tell he was a little astounded by it too.
"Sorry, I've never been great at keeping things clean, I wasn't expecting anyone." Thoma sighed, almost gultily, "Thoma usually does the cleaning, but he's been busy helping you guys out, yeah?"
Paimon and Aether shared a confused look, Paimon said something, but I changed the subject, drifting to Thoma's side as he set some of the bags on the counter, "Anyways, I'm glad your back, Sunshine," I placed a small kiss on his cheek, and felt his entire body tense up, which was odd, but I guess we hadn't seen each other in a while. I wasn't going to think much of it until he turned his face to me, seeming— confused? hurt? mad??
"What's wrong?" I asked, trying to not sound defensive but he seemed to be mad at me in particular. I don't know who else he'd be mad at, Aether seemed pretty nice.
"You—"
"Didn't you guys break up?" Paimon blurted.
My heart shattered from the sudden pressure.
"What?"
Thoma only looked more confused, "Yeah, we did, I told you?" He said, looking around for something before stopping at the front door, more specifically the note that I'd been ignoring for who knows how long. The sound that came out of him was somewhere between a nervous chuckle and a scoff. More of a scoff that he tried to force into nervous chuckle, "Or maybe I didn't, I guess."
I could tell that wasn't what he wanted to say, the tone of his voice was something so incredibly displeased that he could not effectively sweep under a rug of pretending this was a funny mishap.
Aether and Paimon set down their bags, but stood in a way that very clearly conveyed how awkward they felt. They did not want to stand in the middle of this couple's dispute, they just came with Thoma to do this as an errand, obviously. Because Thoma wasn't here to come home, this was an errand. No one had heard from his ex boyfriend so he had to make sure I was alive and fed to clear his conscience. That's all this was.
And I kissed him. A dangerous thought crossed my mind though as my eyes dragged from Thoma to Aether, though, "Are you guys… together?"
"No! Well-" Thoma stumbled, and the hesitation already had my eyes coated in a wet sheen. He sighed, and pulled out a paper from his pocket. He walked over to Aether and pulled his hand up to give him the note, "Could you two run and get the next couple things tacked off of here?" Aether and Paimon nodded, and they were off.
Even when the door was closed, Thoma didn't look at me. His expression shifted from something ashamed to something very frustrated, it kind of went back and fourth.
"So, what have you been doing since I left?" was what he finally landed on asking.
I paused, trying to think of something, but he didn't let me respond, "I dropped your vision off two months ago, Xire. Have you just been rotting in here the whole time?"
"No! I tried to keep myself busy," I defended, though the lump in my throat made my voice shaky as it tried to squeeze through, "I thought you were coming home, really, I thought you died."
He looked around the house, food garbage on every surface, clothes in piles in random corners, I was pretty sure he saw mold starting to grow on the windows from the moisture, "I told you I wasn't coming home," He snapped, walked over to the door, pulling the note off of it and half-shoving it into my hands.
I looked at him, then the note. I didn't want to read it, I knew what was in it now. I think I knew what was in it the whole time and I didn't want to acknowlege it, but I shakily opened it anyways and read it's contents.
Xire,
I know you've got a lot going on, and I want to help you. I do, but I don't think there's anything I can do for you. I've tried and tried for years, but I can't do anything. When all this is over, I'll bring you your vision, but I can't stay with you.
Best,
Thoma
It was so short. I felt gushing where my heart was supposed to be flood into my stomach. Here I was, acting like his wife. Still expecting him to take care of me like a little girl, and he seemed to have already moved on from me. I didn't know what to say, but the tears were already rushing down and I guess my voice was too, "I thought… I thought you died…" I mumbled, unconsciously crinkling the cardstock in my hand.
I watched him mull over his frustration in his head. He did this a lot, especially before he left. If I ever broke down he had to contemplate if it was even worth trying to stay with me. Which really was all I needed, but he wanted to help. He wanted to help, not sit and watch. I think I've tried telling him he can't, not the way he thinks, but I don't know anymore. I must not have if he's only leaving me now.
My body felt heavy, I felt too big in this space, out of place in his gaze. I didn't belong here, I didn't belong with him. Someone so eager to please should not be with someone as impossible to fix as I am.
I rushed to the door, "I'm sorry- I'll just— I'll go." I warbled, not looking back at him. I couldn't. There was no way I could look at someone after pushing them away with how badly I hurt. He wasn't hurting. I made him hurt. I don't deserve to look at him after that, "And… um— and you and Aether can stay here if you want… I'll figure something out…"
I think the last blow was that he didn't even try to call after me.
Days continued to warp, time continued to distort. I was now back home. Where I actually belong. I'm not sure if I felt any lighter, any smaller, but this is where I fit. Mom and dad… appreciate me here. I was the only one of their kids that didn't come in a littler. There were two litters after me, and the teenagers were not as helpful with the younger ones when I was their age. I've started going by my given name again, too. Well — "started" isn't entirely accurate, I don't talk to anyone else, my parents just call me that and I don't stop them. I don't see a point. I think I need to spend more time like this, stuck as a person whose skin fits, but I'm sensitive to, before I'm allowed back in public.
I'm not sure how I've scraped together the money for this long, but every cent is delivered to my old place. I can't just rip Thoma away from his lifestyle, it's not his fault things turned out this way. I have to keep taking care of him financially. While I do that, I take care of the girls emotionally, take them outside to parks and we play together. I did always like dress-up, I liked dolls, maybe that's why it's so hard to understand me. I can't even enjoy the things boys are supposed to enjoy, how can I expect any other part of me to be cohesive enough for anyone else to understand? Maybe I'm not even a boy. Maybe I'm not even Xire, or Xumi. or a rabbit, or a person. Maybe I'm nothing.
I sure feel like nothing.
Those are the thoughts I try to avoid. 'Litters' in rabbit-people are pretty common, but the average headcount in one is about four to five. There's six of the younger litter, so mom and dad take three, and I take three. Usually three four year olds is a lot for one person, but I'm not present enough to have anything else on my mind. There's not much to distract me from them, so it's easy enough.
We ended up at a mostly empty valley near our house, the girls were roughousing, pretending to fight each other, occassionally coming up to me to complain about each other, and I'd just have them sit on either side of me for a bit until they calmed down. There weren't a lot of people here, so I was caught off gaurd by a semi-familliar, shrill voice piercing my brain-fog.
"Xire!!"
I flinched, and slowly turned my head. Aether and Paimon were walking to where I sat in the grass, and I gave them a slow, friendly wave, "Hey, I um- didn't expect to see anyone I knew here." I said. My parents house was a bit far from Inazuma city, which is about where I used to live, "What are you two doing all the way out here?"
"Well, um- We were just passing by! Just checking up on some old friends, but it's nice to see you too!"
I smiled, though I did feel a small pang in my chest, but it is reasonable that I would not be considered the friend of my ex's boyfriend, "It was nice to see you guys too,"
Aether sat down beside me, and Paimon drifted in front of me, "How've you been?? Last time we saw you, it seemed like you and Thoma were gonna get in a pretty big fight."
"I've been fine, how is he?" I said mindlessly, before furrowing my brows upon the realization that I don't want to know how well he's doing with another man.
"Dunno, we haven't seen him yet," Aether responded. He didn't talk much, I don't think I've heard his voice until now.
"Oh…" I mumbled, until my ears perked back up embarassingly fast, "So— wait, you're not together??"
"No? We never were." Aether said, "He mentioned having feelings after the last time we saw you, but I'm not really interested in that kind of thing right now."
My ears dropped back down and my face heated up. I'm not supposed to care about whatever Thoma's doing right now. We've been apart for months, "Ah… I see,"
"Well that's okay! That means you can see him again!"
"I… I don't think that's going to happen, Paimon. I haven't spoken to him, or really anyone since then."
Paimon's brows raised, I think Aether's did too, "What?! You've been by yourself all this time?? Don't you have any friends or anything???"
I motioned to the girls, "I've got them. That one's Miu, Kimiko, and…"
I looked around to find Sachiko,
"Shit."
"what??"
Paimon and Aether had immediately left my mind as I got up and stood between the girls, "Where's your sister??"
"Huh? Chiko's over there," Kimi pointed to a completely barren area, "she did."
"Oh my god," I breathed, picking up Kimi while holding Miu's arm and bringing them over to the area, but Sachiko was no where to be found.
"Your sister's missing?" I heard Aether's voice behind me.
"You looked like you were watching her though! How could she have vanished?"
I continued walking straight, much to the dismay of Miu, who also wanted to be held instead of dragged. I couldn't stop to pick her up though, Sachiko could be anywhere and if I stopped she could get further away, "I was, but then I started talking to you—" I paused, frantically trying to find my words as panic stampeded my mind, "Not that it's your— She's mine I just— shit, I can't still be talking to you."
With that, I quickly managed to scoop Miu up, and I was running.
I searched everywhere with the girls for hours, by the time I started feeling my legs give out, the girls had been fussing and crying and to be completely honest, so was I.
"Xumi!!! I wanna go home!" One of them said for the millionth time, at this point it was just added noise.
"We have to find Sachiko, momma and poppa are going to kill me if I lost one of you,"
"Maybe she died,"
"Don't say that."
"I'm tired."
"I know. We're gonna go home soon, we just need Sachiko."
"I not wanna find Chiko! Home, Now!"
Seemingly because I made the mistake of holding Miu on my shoulder, she started pulling and biting at my ears.
"Ow! Knock it off!" but she just started kicking at my chest.
"Home! Now!"
Fuck. We do have to go home. The longer I'm gone the more mad Mom and Dad are gonna be that I made their girls stay out so late just because I was so careless I lost one of them. They're gonna kill me either way. I'm not gonna have a home to go to. They're just gonna snatch Miu and Kimi away from me and leave me outside forever. I can't do this. Maybe I could just drop the girls at home and jump into that big electro-covered pond near Tatarasuna. It would be a painful way to go, but maybe that's what I deserve for losing a whole kid. I offered to take three of them because it was so easy, I should definately be subjected to death by electrocution for losing one of them.
"Okay. Fine, we're going home." I said, voice cracking in defeat and utter despair.
I think at some point on the trek home, Miu fell asleep. She kind of just rolled over on my shoulder and I didn't hear a word from her again. Kimi talked my ear off, but I didn't actually hear any of it. I was mostly dreading the response from my parents when I told them one of their daughters was missing because they entrusted her to me.
Once we finally got home, the lights were still on inside, I didn't want to go in there. I heard the noise of chatter and the squealing of little girls. They must not have even realized what time it was. I stood outside, just staring at the door. None of my stuff was dumped onto the porch, I would literally be left with nothing. Not that I needed it, I'd probably only be around for the couple of days it took me to get to the pond anyways.
"Why are you just standing here? I smell dinner." Kimi said, looking at me with genuine confusion.
"I… I'm probably not gonna see you again, Sweetheart," I responded, and she immediately gave me a petrified expression.
"Why??"
"Don't worry too much about it, but I do love you and your sisters very much," I responded, a quake in my voice. Thankfully the darkness outside sheilded the tears welling up in my eyes as I gave her a small kiss on the forehead, "Let's get you two home, yeah?"
With that, I stuffed my fear down below my stomach, walked up onto the porch, and through the front door.
They were laughing.
Oh god, they're having such a good time, I'm going to ruin their night too.
My mind raced as each step thudded through my ears, bringing me closer to my inevitable doom the moment I turned the corner.
and then the beating in my chest fucking stopped.
I heard a very familiar laugh. A scarily familliar laugh.
I turned the corner.
And Thoma was there. With Sachiko on his lap. He was just talking casually to my parents.
"Oh, it's such a shame things didn't work out with you and Xumi," My mom said, her eyes lighting up as she saw me walk into the dining room, "There she- I mean he, right? It was 'he' now?"
"I—- Yeah, um, what's going on?"
My dad, usually gruff and distrusting of other men in proximity to his 'daughter', seemed lightearted and happy, "Your little boy— not boyfriend, found Sachiko for you! Said she wandered off during hide-and-seek."
"We were really worried about you three,"My mom said, pulling Miu off my shoulder and taking Kimi from me, "Why don't you take a bath, Xire, we've got the girls now."
Honestly, I must've been so confused and relieved that I effectively blacked out. The next thing I knew the house was quiet, and I was in my bed, curled up in a ball, staring at the wall. I'm not sure how long I'd been there, and my spiralling thoughts started to sink in and cement themselves into my brain. No longer active, but still very present, more of a foundation for other thoughts to build on, but those ones faded in and out pretty quickly too.
At one point a heard a knock on my door, the same one Thoma did when he dropped groceries off. I didn't answer, I didn't want to. Why is he even here? Why is he STILL here? I didn't want to talk to him, didn't even want to see him. I didn't seem to have a choice in the matter seeing as he gave me a brief "I'm coming in." Before creaking my door open and peeking inside at me.
"You okay?" He asked. So sweet. God he's so sweet.
My response came out a little more irritated-sounding than I meant for it to, "What are you doing here?"
"Your sister, she was—"
"Thoma. What are you still doing here?"
It was dark. I couldn't see his face, but I could tell he was thinking really hard, "Don't think. Don't lie to me. Why are you here?"
He paused, not to think this time, He actually moved to sit on the bed next to me, I curled myself tighter into my ball. To get away from him. To get myself and my trouble away from him.
"I don't— I don't want you to think I didn't- don't love you. You seemed so out of it when I saw you last, Aether came and found me, told me you lost your sister," He said, trying to get his thoughts together, "Xire, we haven't spoken in four months, you should've said—"
"I did say. I didn't stop saying." I was too exhausted for my brain to come up with a meeker way to phrase it, "You don't listen. I'm not the only one who didn't reach out for half a year."
We sat there quietly. Pain bubbled from my chest and wet my eyes, and I was to tired to hold it back.
"just— get out—"
"I didn't understand."
"No shit."
I heard him sigh frustratedly, usually I'd correct myself. Actually, I wouldn't have said that at all usually.
"You are— not okay. Ever. Anyone else would think that's a lot to handle, and it is. I didn't want to be anyone. I'm never anyone who'd just walk by and ignore things. You care so deeply about everyone, you just show it in a much more aggressive way. You're funny, you're just sarcastic. I think I just— I think it just got to be too much,"
I didn't respond. I know I'm a lot to handle. I know that I am a chore. It is tedious and it is frustrating to have to deal with me on a daily basis, when we got together though, he said he wanted to be different. He wanted to pull me out from the trenches. He said he did. Hearing out loud that I was too much though, turned my thoughts from self-depricating to very angry. Because he knew. I never hid anything, I don't spring this all on him randomly, I told him what I was like. I told him what I needed. He saw the worst of it from the start, and he stayed. He dragged this all on so long, because it was too much for him. Without any care for me, he dragged this on because he needed to fix something.
"Get out."
"Xire— wai-"
I tossed a pillow at him, "I said get out! Get out of my room, my house! Just leave!"
"It's not your fault!" He continued, but I was too mad, I moved from my ball to my knees, trying to push him off of my bed, "If I had done what you said, it would've been okay!" God he's so sturdy, maybe I've just lost my definition, "I should have listened to you."
I didn't care. I don't care. He can't do this after everything. He can't come crawling back into my life and try to fix everything. He can't throw me out and then act like he didn't mean to. He can't take me back. Not back to that house, not back to him. I have something here at home, I have walls, a roof, a foundation to start something new.
Unfortunately, I also have a door that I left open for him.
The same door that's been closed and unlocked. The same door I opened when I needed him the most. He's just choosing to come through when I've forgotten it was there. Really, the worst timing.
Really, the best timing.
Fuck, I was tired. Too tired to keep pushing him. My balled up hands went lax, as did my entire upper body. My forehead landed on his shoulder blade, and I began to openly weep.
For once, he just stayed there, and at some point began idly petting my ear drooped over his shoulder. I always loved that. He knows I always loved that.
fuck it.
I tugged him back, very little force. He got the message and scooted back so I didn't have to keep tugging him. I shuffled to his side, and rested my head in his lap. The tears didn't stop, the sniffles came sporadically, and he continued to play with my hair. Ocassionally, his fingers would dip deeper and scrape and rub at my scalp. My noises slowed, I don't think the tears did, but we just stayed there. I must've fallen into a very light sleep, When i opened my eyes, I was on my side in the plush pillows at my headboard. I didn't like to lay on my back, he remembered that. Thoma was still there, his hand just leaving my head and I caught it before he could leave me completely"
"Where… y'going…" I slurred, not even having the energy to tilt my head or eyes up to look at him.
"I'm not leaving. I didn't think you'd be okay tonight, so I convinced your parents to let me stay the night," He squeezed my hand gently, "I'm just going to be on your sofa, get some rest, bun."
He tried to leave again, but I wouldn't let go of him. He could very easily pull out of my grip, but he wasn't going to make me hold him here.
"Don't leave m'again," I could hear how pouty I sounded, and a cringe tried to curl my skin, but I didn't let it, "Stay in here."
He paused, shifted a little, "Do you have any bedding? Something to pad the floor?"
I shook my head and patted the space on the bed behind me, "Back here,"
There was another halt, this one much more hesitent, but he complied, crawled over me, and when he laid down I released his hand, letting it rest on my waist.
"Is this okay?" I heard through my sleepy fog, and I lightly nodded, "Is this what you want?" I nodded again, and he let himself wrap both arms around me, and I scooted myself against him until I was more comfortable.
This is going to be a weird conversation tomorrow. For me and him, my parents, everyone.