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End of rehearsal, and she messed it up when she was giving all of herself. She was so tired of dancing, being corrected, and seeing herself in the mirror with their bright lights. She could feel the feeling creeping in. She muttered to herself, “not here, not now.” After messing up a mechanically easy move but that needed concentration to do right, she was tapping her forehead, mad at herself. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
The girls turned to her, and Lara was the one to go talk to her, the girls watching from afar to not overwhelm her further, but as she approached and saw her hands on her ears with such a strong grip and sharp breaths, she noticed it wasn’t her usual breakdowns pre-slip but actually a panic attack.
Megan kept gasping for air while taking short breaths. Lara put a hand on her back and guided her to a more reserved space of the studio. Noticing the commotion, the staff wrapped up for the day and all the girls were getting their things so they could go back home together.
“Meg? You need to breathe more slowly,” Lara said softly, trying to pull her hands off her hair and ears, only for her to grip it harder.
“No no no, stupid stupid,” she tried to say, but with her unregulated breathing it was hard to say and understand.
“Hmm, Mei, look at me,” she said, pressing her hands on her shoulders, her fingers gently caressing.
When she finally looked up, she was breaking into desperate crying.
“What’s happenin’, mommy?” she asked, and finally accepted taking her hands down and hugging Lara, trying to copy her breathing.
“Shh, I know, you’re gonna be okay soon, baby.” She gave her shoulders another squeeze before taking her hands. “Now Mei Mei, can you tell me 5 things you can see?”
She looked around, taking another sharp breath.
“You… my hands…” she paused, giving another look. “My bag… Yoon… the couch…”
Lara gave her a warm smile, managing to sit both of them on the floor. “Very good, love. You can tell me four things you can touch?”
The little nodded slightly, breathing a bit better. “Your hand… my hair… the floor… hmm…” She stopped for a bit. “My shirt?” she said, touching everything she pointed out.
“Yeah, you did good.” Lara kissed her forehead, giving her time before continuing. “Can I keep going?” she asked, putting her hair behind her ear, and the girl, now crying softly, nodded. “Now three things you can hear.”
Megan looked surprised and thought about it. “The girls talking… and you?” she said uncertainly.
“It’s ok, you don’t need to say actually three, and there’s no wrong answer. Megan took a longer breath, which relieved the caregiver. “Two things you can smell.”
“My hair… and you,” she said softly.
“You’re doing great, baby. Last one now, ok? Tell me something you can taste.”
“The strawberry gum I had,” she said clumsily, wiping her tears away.
“That’s it, you did so well,” she said, hugging her close, and without thinking she was almost breathing normally.
When she pulled away, Megan was with a discomforted pout. “Mommy, wanna go home.” This made Lara notice that she was really little, being called mommy by her meant she was very sad and baby.
“We’ll go home soon.” And as soon as she said it, Yoonchae walked up to them holding her and Megan’s things with worry on her face.
“Just to say, the girls and I are ready to go, I packed Meg’s things.”
“Thank you, Chae, we are ready to go too I guess,” but Megan began to whimper and point at her bag; The Korean lowered the bag, and Lara looked at her amused. “What do you want, baby?”
And she quietly responded, “paci?” only for Lara to hear. She searched for the small object at the end of the bag and handed it to the pink-streaked girl, who quickly put it in her mouth and hid her face on Lara.
The Indian-American looked up to Yoonchae . “Do you mind carrying her things, please?”
“Yeah, no problem, I’m asking Manon to carry yours so you can take the baby to the van.”
Soon they were at their van, so gladly none of them needed to drive today. Megan was resting her head on Lara’s shoulder after whines of protest at not being able to cuddle more comfortably. She was finally drifting off, the panic attack drained too much of her, with a frown and mumbles, which the caregiver thought were still anxiety signs...only to see a growing wet patch on the gray sweatpants. She groaned and made a mental note to tell someone from the staff to clean the van couch seats.
Manon, on Lara’s other side, noticed her face and gently caressed her cheek. “Are you okay? Need help with her?”
She smiled at her girlfriend’s worry. “Do you mind? She’s really little, she won’t let go of me for any second when she wakes up.”
Manon nodded without thinking twice. “Yeah, I’ll handle the technical part.”
“Good, I need you to get the diaper package from the closet, Mei just wet herself in her sleep,” she spoke quietly about it, her hand fiddling with the little’s hair.
“Ooh, she is that little...”
“I know, but she seems so tired from her panic attack.”
“Poor thing.” Manon poked her cheek, only to see her frown a bit and cuddle closer to Lara.
“Leave her alone,” she said with a small chuckle, and they shared a short kiss and stayed quiet until they finally arrived home.
Lara picked the still sleeping little up from her seat, gently tickling her tummy to wake her up as they got inside. “Wake up, Mei, you need a bath, baby,” which only got a whimper in response. She looked around a bit lost at how they changed places, rubbing the sleep off her eyes as she slowly woke up.
She wiggled in discomfort, now understanding what she meant about bath, and hid her face in Lara’s neck in embarrassment.
Soon they were in the bathroom, the tub filled. Megan was placed in as Lara handed her the bath toys. She pretty much babbled nonsense and refused to take off her pacifier, whining loudly every time she tried, so she decided to lose this battle and let the poor little take the pacifier to the bath but she was cooperating well in the bath, only whining when Lara stopped her from playing to actually getting clean.
Guiding her back to the room, Manon had left ready the onesie pajamas and diaper.
Megan shook her head once she saw it. “Nuh-uh,” she mumbled, pushing it away, still wrapped in her towel.
“Baby girl, you have to, now stay still.” She tried, but Megan pushed her hand away.
“No!”
“Come on, Mei Mei, you don’t want to wet your beautiful onesie, right?”
She glanced at the folded minimalist pajama that had a cherry pattern. “…no.”
Lara smiled softly at her. “So be good and let me put this on you, okay? You’re gonna even forget about it.”
The Hawaiian nodded and hid her face in her hands in embarrassment. She got her dressed quickly and pulled her hands away from her face, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Look, the baby finally had a bath, aww so cute I can’t,” she teased and began to tickle her tummy, only to hear her giggles.
Manon, quietly on the other side of the room on her phone, stood up at the sound of giggles. “Look at Meg, already ready to sleep, little one?”
“Eep? No” she mumbled, shaking her head. “Mommy?” she asked quietly, looking at Lara.
“Yes?”
“Wan milkie.” Even saying she wasn’t ready to sleep, she rubbed her eyes and was back to her whiny self, like getting a “no” right now would make her cry.
“Of course, I’m making it in a sec,” but as soon as she tried to get up Megan cuddled closer.
“No go!” she pouted, already with a trembling lip.
She looked at her girlfriend, and Manz nodded, already standing up. “I’m preparing it,” she said, leaning to kiss Meg’s hair.
“Remember, no cinnamon for her!” Lara warned before she left the room, only to meet the little’s confused eyes.
“Wan cinmon.”
“Megan, you can’t have cinnamon, remember?” She sighed, looking at her to see her eyes filling almost chuckling at the situation. At this point, she would cry for pretty much anything.
“I wan cinmon,” she mumbled, crying softly.
The caregiver adjusted them against the headboard, rubbing her side in a small hug. “Another time, okay? Not today, baby.”
It seemed enough to Megan, who was still crying, and Lara knew it was just her tiredness showing up. After wiping the tears away, she pulled a laptop from the side table, opening Disney and playing Bluey. It seemed to calm her down. They watched together, Lara slowly caressing her hair, waiting for Manon.
The Swiss girl came back with a warm bottle and handed it to her girlfriend. Megan jolted at the sight, getting on her caregiver’s lap, her head on her shoulder, her hand on her other shoulder, as her legs stayed tiredly in front of her.
Lara removed the pacifier, no complaints this time, and replaced it with the bottle’s nipple. Megan drank quietly, almost drunk-hazed with the cozy sensation and fuzzy headspace, as the caregiver made shushing noises.
But when they thought she was finally falling asleep, she jolted awake. Lara had to hold the bottle harder so it wouldn’t fall from her grip, still half full.
“What now, Mei Mei?”
“Bear… Mei Mei teddy bear!” she said softly.
Megan had grown fond of the teddy bear they had at their MV set. The staff let her keep it, and since then every day she looked more attached to it. She would bring it on tour and make funny random calls with it when she was bored...and that was when she was big. When little, she would carry the poor thing everywhere in the house. Lara didn’t even know how she had spent so much time without him.
After a bit of searching by the couple under the little’s worried eyes, they found it, and Megan clutched it strongly to her chest and went back to curling into Lara’s lap.
“Is Mei Mei all set now?”
“Yep!”
And the caregiver went back to feeding. Lara was glad the bottle was still warm, and Megan slipped easily back into the fuzzy feeling before finally falling asleep.
The only small sounds were of her taking sips from the bottle and Lara mumbling a lullaby so beautifully that it probably hypnotized her quickly into sleep. Even Manon, who was only watching them, felt sleepy hearing it.
When the bottle was finished she carefully replaced it back with the pacifier, Megan was adjusted in her lap, straddling her and resting her head on her shoulder, completely asleep. Manon sat next to them, and they shared a look of mission achieved, staying quietly watching the Bluey episode on the laptop until Megan was sleeping deeply enough to be laid between them.
They felt like such proud parents.