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There's plenty of reasons why Minghao chose to never speak to Junhui again. Junhui was so closed off that it pissed Minghao off. When they dated, conversations always led to arguments. The emotions that Junhui held in were always let out at the worst possible moments. He wasn't abusive towards Minghao. Just emotionally unstable. It led to one too many problems in their relationship.
When Minghao finally had enough, he broke it off. He told Junhui he was done. Minghao held in his emotions too, it turned out.
They only briefly dated in high school, yet their relationship made such an impact on the both of them that they didn't know what to do once they had separated. It was bittersweet. Black licorice, Junhui's favorite.
Minghao felt a weight lifted off his shoulders once he was back to being single. But there was still something bothering him. It was like one devil left his shoulder, just for another one to come and replace it. Something that he could finally put focus on once Junhui was out of the picture.
The harsh winter didn't make him feel any better. He was almost frostbitten, and he wished that Junhui could be there to keep him warm. No, he insisted, I have to move on.
All his plans to move in with Junhui went down the drain. He stayed at home instead, with his family. The person he saw in the mirror in his bathroom daily started to look warped. Rotten. A figment of his imagination.
He couldn't talk about it with Junhui. He was gone. Sure, Minghao had friends, but what would they do? Tell him to go to therapy? He was already going every two weeks.
The cold, dark days always made him woeful. He couldn't be bothered to go outside or do anything productive. His hair grew into more of a shag, and he became too dejected to cut it. Perhaps it would keep him warmer, like a lion's mane.
He kind of liked it. His parents told him it was getting too long. If anything, he almost felt like it was too short. A piece of his heart warmed up as he looked in the bathroom mirror at his grown out mullet. A new look after heartbreak.
There were other signs. His body became unbearable to look at. He couldn't pinpoint it. The slim hips, the flat chest, the entire nether region. It puzzled Minghao to even feel this way. What would his therapist say about this? What about his family?
What if Junhui knew?
The obsession with himself over winter break became so unendurable that Minghao pushed it aside entirely. He'd just keep the mullet. That's all. He was secure in himself. Precisely.
He went back to college after break. School, eat, sleep, repeat. The same routine he had the entire first semester. Being a college student wasn't so bad, not nearly as bad as being a high school student. It was a new wave of freedom before he'd eventually be all on his own, free falling in the sky.
The days were still typically bleak, at least in Minghao's eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he saw the sun, except for when it peeked through the clouds as if it was scared to show its face. He felt himself relate just a tad too much for it to be normal.
Staying at home wasn't much help for Minghao's mental health. His family continuously nagged at him to cut his hair, even as it grew into wisps past his shoulders. You look like a girl, his mother scolded. An urge within him made him want to say, maybe I am a girl, but he knew that couldn't be true. He wasn't… like that.
It was a constant fight with himself. Even in class, where he'd see women come into class with their hair silky smooth, nails long, and lashes perfectly upturned. He always considered himself attracted to women, but he started to wonder if that attraction was something else. Jealousy, perhaps? It couldn't have been that. There was no anger attached to it, no hatred towards women. It was more like envy, where he wished that he was free to show himself in a way like they did.
Weeks went by. The more he looked at himself, the more he loathed. He wondered if it was just a slump he was in because of college. He didn't find his classes to be too difficult, though, which meant that it really did just link back to his mental instability.
Minghao still hadn't told anyone at this point. Not even his closest friend Mingyu, whose boyfriend was trans himself. There wasn't any chance he was trans. He denied it. Denying it was easier than being honest to himself. At least for the moment.
"I really dig the new hair," his friend Hansol complimented, touching his newly dyed light brown hair. "It's long, too. It really suits you, hyung."
Hyung. The word stung more than it should've. A sharp arrow landing right on target, the middle of Minghao's heart. "Thanks," he swallowed down his negative feelings, trying to focus solely on Hansol's compliment, "I like it too."
He and Hansol went out for lunch in between their classes every once in a while. They knew each other since freshman year of high school, so their relationship ran a lot deeper than Minghao's relationship with Junhui did.
"Anything new with you lately?" asked Hansol, the curious person that he was. "You seem kinda… down. You okay?"
Minghao shrugged. It wasn't that he was okay, but his therapist told him that he was making progress. He supposed that meant that he was fine enough to say he was fine. "Yeah, I'm good. Bio is just stressing me out right now." He wasn't lying; biology was becoming a living nightmare right now. "What about you?" he shifted the conversation to Hansol. "You seem like you've been doing a lot lately."
Hansol was typically a more private person, but he'd done a lot of traveling over break and couldn't resist sharing a bunch of pictures of what he saw on social media. Hansol was someone that Minghao was jealous of. He was actually able to live his life the way he wanted to. "I've been really good, actually. I met this guy I really like and we've been hitting it off."
Even Hansol had someone. Minghao thought he had someone, but he gave up on him instead. "Oh, that's nice. What's his name?"
"Seungkwan," Hansol's eyes lit up, as if just mentioning that name brought life to his spirit. "He's really cool. He's a communications major. I should introduce you guys one day."
It couldn't hurt him to make more friends. What did hurt him was using his friends to fill a void that only Junhui could really satisfy. No, he continued to remind himself, I need to get over him.
"Sounds good with me," Minghao lied through his teeth.
Later that day, Minghao mindlessly scrolled on his phone to get some sort of stimulation. His mind was fried from all the college work he had due, plus his part-time position at the local movie theater, so what was the harm in frying it some more?
He stumbled across a video of a woman talking about how her transition process was going. Odd, because he had never seen a video like that on his For You page. He watched it all the way through, taking into account every last word she said.
Minghao saved it to his favorites, and kept scrolling. He'd have to think about that later. Right now he had so much work due that he couldn't possibly consider anything of that sort.
Another video popped up. "Are you serious? Leave me alone!" Minghao whispered to himself, though he favorited it again. He never really thought about what it meant to transition. He didn't know it was this extensive. He figured it was a lot, but wasn't aware of all the little technicalities. Of course, a transition was only as much as a person wanted it to be, but the idea of hormone replacement therapy just made Minghao feel a certain type of way. A secureness, safeness. He might just be okay.
He sat in bed and continued to think about himself, his identity. He didn't like being a man. It felt off. Something always felt off. Even when he was too little to understand the concept of manhood, he still didn't feel connected to it. He was just Minghao.
Now, he felt like he had something closer to an answer for why he felt that way. It had built up for far too long, far longer than he even really knew. If he didn't fix it now, it was going to fix itself eventually. Then again, having that mentality didn't fix his relationship. Who cares? he thought to himself. Junhui couldn't even fix himself.
After many long months of deliberation, Minghao was going to tell the truth. To himself. To Mingyu. To Hansol. And maybe his therapist. She was beginning to move on thin ice, though.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Minghao sat Mingyu down for the talk. Which makes it sound like he was having the sex conversation with him. In a sense, he kind of was.
"Mingyu… do you know how Jihoon knew he was trans?"
"No, not really," Mingyu shook his head. "I mean, I knew he had dysphoria about his body for the longest time, ever since he was a kid. I don't know the specifics though. Why?"
Minghao took a deep breath in his nose, counting to five seconds before exhaling. Box breathing. His therapist's favorite way to get him to calm down in the middle of a session. "I haven't really felt… myself. I don't know who myself even is. I just don't think I'm meant to be this way. To look…" Minghao looked down at this hands, flipping them to his palms and observing every little crease that ran across them, "…like this."
Mingyu watched him as he spoke, but didn't give any reaction of shock or disapproval. He just listened, sort of like his therapist. He just wanted someone to understand him.
"Have you spoken to your therapist about it?" Speaking of his therapist, Mingyu had to bring her up. Minghao didn't expect Mingyu to actually have any answers, but he at least thought that by talking about it, he'd feel less alone.
"No, but I was planning on it."
Mingyu took a second to think, as if he was processing the information over and over again in his mind. It finally seemed to click when his eyes suddenly widened. "Wait, so you're trans?"
Trans. That word. No. Bad. Scary.
Minghao took another deep breath. "I think so."
This time, Mingyu inhaled. Not out of discomfort, but complete joy for his best friend. "I always knew you'd make a beautiful woman."
"Mingyu! That sounds creepy!" Minghao giggled, feeling a lightness on his chest that he hadn't felt in months. Maybe Mingyu did understand. At least a little bit.
"Sorry, sorry. I'm just really happy for you. Does this mean you call me oppa now?"
Minghao rolled his eyes, the serious moment suddenly not so serious anymore. It was lighthearted. Mingyu was always incredibly good at lightening things up, which was why Minghao went to him first — even if he was worried Mingyu wouldn't be able to fully understand his feelings.
He still had to consider it for a moment, though. Was this really okay? Mingyu seemed just fine with it.
"That sounds really nice to me," Minghao finally decided. Today was the day he would start to metamorphosize. The harsh winter was over, and his cocoon was no more.
Hopefully she would be able to spread her new wings soon enough.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
It had been about a month since Minghao came out to Mingyu. The second semester was at its end, and summer would officially be starting within no time.
She also told her therapist about how she felt. She was growing slightly more confident in her identity with each passing day, though it was still hard to look at herself in the mirror without wincing. To fix this, Mingyu came up with what he deemed a perfect solution.
"You get whatever you want. It's on us," said Mingyu, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on Jihoon's thigh. It always grossed Minghao out when they brought their PDA everywhere with them, but it was nice seeing Jihoon at least.
They decided to take Minghao out on a shopping spree to get her some new clothes. Her current wardrobe just wasn't cutting it, even though she swore to Mingyu that she'd still wear her favorite pair of baggy jeans that she had since she was 15. Those jeans were distressed beyond repair.
She wore those jeans everywhere. They had a darker wash, and they went with everything. Unfortunately, they also carried memories. Memories of the various dates she had been on with Junhui, along with the many fights they had right after. It was time for a change.
Minghao wasn't entirely the best at letting go. There was a reason why she was able to lead her team to victory each time she played tug-of-war in elementary school. She clung onto the rope until her small hands nearly bled.
So, when it came to her feelings towards Junhui, her now larger hands threatened to tear open from how hard she was gripping onto the remnants of the past. It stung, threatening to leave scars. Mingyu and Jihoon, thankfully, were there to help her release her grasp on her supposed red string of fate that she cut off over a year ago with a pair of blunt scissors.
When they went around to stores that Minghao wouldn't typically find herself in, she found peace. A piece of her felt like she could let go, be free. The part of her heart that was frozen began to melt, pumping blood effectively to the rest of her body again. It felt like her body again, not someone else's. Not rotten, nor disfigured. She hadn't even really changed anything yet. Just being seen for who she was was enough.
She tried on skirts, dresses, and even a new pair of jeans that fit her much better than the outdated ones. Jihoon even found a clip with a cartoon frog on it and bought it just to put it in her lengthy brown hair. It was the best day that Minghao had in months.
Of course, things still weren't easy. She had to sneak the shopping bags back into her home so her family wouldn't see. If her family knew right now, she'd be in deep shit. But that was another worry for another day.
Now that two of her friends knew about her identity, she felt it would be easier to tell other close friends as well. Soon enough, Hansol, Soonyoung, and Chan were all aware of her womanhood, and not one person ridiculed her for it.
She finally mustered up the courage to tell her therapist as well. She congratulated Minghao on being able to discover something so important about herself, and gave her a referral to her primary care doctor so she could be properly treated with hormones if she so chose.
Which she definitely chose.
After the necessary evaluations, Minghao was ready for her injections. She didn't care how much needles typically bothered her. It wasn't like she hadn't taken drugs before.
She was at a point where she almost completely forgot about Junhui. Even her therapist was surprised at how little he was mentioned. Nothing reminded her of Junhui anymore — her life was a blank slate, brand new.
Except for the needles. Junhui had always used them on himself. Half the time when they were together, he was on something. It never ceased to irritate Minghao, even though she had tried heroin once herself. The fact that Junhui was on a high so often made it impossible for Minghao to fully despise him, even now. She pitied him.
The first time she took estrogen, she was on a high of her own. It was freedom injected just under the layers of her skin, flowing throughout her body to all the places she wasn't fully confident in. Jihoon helped her the first time. As much as she wanted to do it by herself, she remembered how important it was to have someone by her side. She wouldn't be alone; at least, not anymore.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Months of being on estrogen made all the difference for Minghao. It wasn't just physical differences she started to notice; she looked healthy. She glowed, even when she wasn't basking in the summer sun. She hadn't noticed how malnourished she was until she started her transition. They don't say you don't notice depression until you're out of it for no reason.
The summer truly melted all her problems away. She actually went outside with her friends, and probably saw the beach skyline more than her own family. Who, speaking of, still hadn't caught on to how much their daughter had changed in just half a year. Winter Minghao and Summer Minghao were totally different beings.
She was honestly excited for the next college semester. Hopefully she'd be able to meet more people, especially people like her. She was as ready as she'd ever been to actually put herself out there, maybe even start dating again. She was back to the Minghao she was meant to be, her childlike spirit finally coming to life again after years of suppression.
Though Minghao was sad to see summer go, she was ready to enter a new season of her life. She could experience college how it was meant to be experienced, without her long lasting depressive episodes getting in the way. Although, some could argue that with college comes long lasting depressive episodes anyways.
The first day of classes was quickly approaching, so she decided to go hang out with her friends one last time. She got dressed in something that wouldn't be too suspicious in front of her family, but forgot one crucial step to her secrecy. Her hair, which she now tied up in a half-up half-down look, was fully down, reaching past her shoulders now. For some reason, her parents decided enough was enough, and confronted her about it.
When Minghao began to argue back, they stormed into her room to find her newer clothes in her closet and the hormone vials in her mini fridge.
They kicked her out immediately after.
Suddenly the summer was too chilly to survive again, having to bundle up the most vulnerable parts of herself and tuck them away so she could stay warm. She grabbed all her things — the clothes Mingyu and Jihoon bought her, the makeup, the vials, the old jeans she still hadn't thrown away — and left, with no destination in sight.
Until she got a call from Hansol, who lived not far from her now-estranged family. He happened to call by chance.
"Hansol, you can say no to this," Minghao exhaled, "but I just got kicked out and I need somewhere to stay."
Her arms were already getting tired from how much she was carrying. Her backpack was filled to the brim with things more important to her than anything, even her own family. She even wore the stupid necklace Junhui gifted her half a year into their relationship, not long before they ended things. She hoped that Hansol would say yes.
"What?! Where are you right now? I'll come pick you up, stay right where you are," cried out Hansol. Minghao could hear him pick up his keys through the phone speaker, the jingling noise becoming rapid as he clearly speedwalked to his vehicle. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry this happened to you, noona."
Noona. A new endearing title that Hansol gave her. It replaced the many instances where he'd call her hyung. It made her heart flutter each time.
She gave him her location and he sped off to come get her. It was occasions like this where Minghao was so glad to have friends like him, Mingyu, and Jihoon.
"Just so you know," Hansol started, taking Minghao's things for her and leading her into his apartment, "Seungkwan moved in recently too, so it might be a little cramped. Hopefully that's okay." Anything was okay for Minghao right now, so she eagerly nodded and awaited Seungkwan's entry into the living space.
"Minghao-noona," Seungkwan rushed over to her, teary-eyed, "I heard what happened. I'm so sorry." Minghao didn't know Seungkwan all that well, but the fact that he was so kind to her from the start proved to her that perhaps she shouldn't have judged Hansol at first for being so excited about him.
He already gave the best hugs, and she knew him for a total of ten seconds. It was the kind of love and acceptance that she had been yearning for.
In the apartment, she didn't have her own room, but the couch quickly became her best friend. She also quickly learned to avoid Hansol's room when Seungkwan was home. The noises weren't exactly enjoyable, but it was much better than hearing the complaining groans of her parents all the time, so there was that.
And there, everything fell back into place. The semester started as it was meant to, and Minghao's happiness couldn't be shaken by her parents. Not anymore, at least.
The third day of classes began. Wednesday, Minghao's favorite day of the week. A perfect balance between beginning and end. She strutted her way to the other side of campus, excited to head to a psychology class she'd been looking forward to since she registered for her classes just a few weeks prior.
She was there a lot earlier than she needed to be, but she didn't really care. She wanted to know who her classmates were, especially since it was a smaller classroom and not a massive lecture hall.
After taking a few moments to adjust her appearance using her phone's camera, she looked up and saw a woman across the room who had entered without her noticing. She was oddly familiar, the moles on her face like another that Minghao had once known. Her hair wasn't as long as Minghao's, but long enough to make her nearly unrecognizable. Most of all, she had a glow about her like Minghao did, enough for her to finally realize who she was even looking at.
Junhui.
Who was… also a woman.
Minghao thought she was going to be sick. Every effort she had made to erase Junhui from her memory — to get over her — was now flushed clean down the drain. The worst part about it was that Junhui was genuinely beautiful. It was true that while Minghao truly loathed her presence during their relationship, Junhui was never unattractive. It was like she was back to grasping at the red string of fate again, and it pulled her heartstrings right back to square one.
Junhui looked up from her phone and noticed Minghao staring at her from the other side of the room, noticing her puzzled face as she tried to decipher who she was.
"Minghao?"
She gulped. "Hi, Junhui."
"You… look really nice. It's nice to see you."
Thank goodness nobody else was in there with them. The tension was so sharp it could behead Minghao as if she were being executed by a guillotine in Reign of Terror era France. She almost hoped it would.
"Thanks," Minghao replied, all the saliva in her mouth going dry, "you too."
Another student walked in the room, so they turned away from each other. Minghao wasn't excited for class anymore. She wanted nothing but to get out of there. To hell with Adolescent Psychology 1.
She kept making glances towards Junhui to see if she was staring at her, and she wasn't. Junhui just minded her business — Minghao was the one who seemed a bit obsessive. Clearly things had changed, but it would be odd if they didn't. It was over a year of not speaking to each other, so of course Junhui would have moved on. Of course she would've, and yet Minghao was still attached.
When class was over, Minghao did her best to rush out. She didn't want Junhui to follow her. Unbeknownst to her, Junhui was as cool as a cucumber. She didn't panic over the sighting of Minghao, because she knew she wasn't going to speak to her anyways. Junhui didn't want her like that anymore.
Well, Minghao thought to herself, that's an interesting way to start sophomore year.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
The next Wednesday, Minghao made a bold move. She decided, screw it, and sat next to Junhui before class started. Her curiosity got the best of her. She hated Junhui's guts (at least that's what she told herself), but she couldn't help but remain unhealthily attached to the idea of her. A part of her decided that perhaps Junhui had changed for the better. She looked better, and not just in an attractive way. She could tell Junhui healed.
"Woah, what's all this about?" Junhui whispered, her voice slightly different than how Minghao remembered it. "I thought you hated me."
"I do," Minghao rolled her eyes, "but you're the only person I know here. And you changed. Maybe for the better."
"Are you suggesting you want to get back with me?"
"Fuck no. I just thought maybe you laid off the drugs and actually got ahold of yourself. Maybe I was wrong." Minghao started getting up, planning on going back to her seat from last week. She immediately started regretting it when Junhui reached out to her.
"Minghao… I'm sorry. Okay? Does that cut it? Or are you going to walk away just like you did before?"
Admittedly, Junhui's words hurt. Minghao could tell they came from the heart. She sat back down.
"I don't want to get back with you. I do still hate you. But god forbid a girl gives a second chance." Junhui gave the cheesiest smile hearing those words come out of her mouth. Minghao hated that she thought it was cute.
As the students were rolling in, they didn't say much else to each other. It was still an awkward situation, and neither of them really wanted to start up a conversation. It was a miracle they even stayed sitting next to each other.
A memory of Minghao's that kept circulating in her mind as she sat next to Junhui was skipping class with her in high school to go have sex in the school bathroom. It was an embarrassing memory — they almost got caught — and she didn't want to think about sex with her ex, who was also right next to her. It was just a reminder of how messy and spontaneous their relationship had been. There was love there, but it was tainted by their poor habits.
One of the main things she would always tell her therapist was that she believed things between them would've been better if they had better home lives to begin with. Which does go without saying, but Minghao truly wanted the best for their relationship; until it got too much to handle, of course.
The next week, Minghao sat next to Junhui again.
"Back for more, hm?" Junhui teased.
"Zip it. I'm just trying to make things right."
Junhui always knew Minghao to be very stern and quick to snap, but never too harsh. She was exactly how she had remembered her, but there was an air of confidence about her now that certainly wasn't there before. Junhui was always obsessed with her fiery demeanor when they were together, but this — this was new.
Minghao finally mustered up the courage to say something. It had been a while since they actually talked — other than being surprised at each other's presence in class — and she figured she needed to speak up.
"So… how have you been?" she asked awkwardly.
Junhui shifted her eyes, like she had a million stories to tell but only so much time to share them. Class was starting soon, after all. "I've been okay. Much better now, at least compared to the last time you saw me. I got sober, and switched to a new drug," she used her hands to bring focus to her appearance, "as you can see."
Minghao eyed her up and down, observing all the changes she hadn't picked up on last week. The mascara on her pretty hooded eyes. The gloss on her severely bitten lips. The small cat tattoo on her wrist.
"What's new with you?" Junhui asked, pulling Minghao out of her gaze.
She was a little bit embarrassed that she was caught staring, but oh well. Nothing she hadn't seen before anyways.
Technically she had seen every part of Junhui before — every crevice, every flaw, and every emotion. Yet, it was like she was looking at Junhui for the first time again. New pieces that she had uncovered.
"Nothing much," Minghao shrugged, feeling a bit silly that she didn't have much to share. "I had a major identity crisis for a while after we broke up. Oh, and I got kicked out of my parents' house. Both of those problems are fixed, though."
Junhui gave a genuine smile. "I'm so glad to hear that."
"I'm glad to hear you're better too. Heroin killed the Junhui I knew."
"Well, the Junhui you knew is resurrected from the dead. You can call her Junhui 2.0."
One thing was for sure; Junhui's dry humor never went away. Even better was the fact that Minghao still loved it. "Okay, Junhui 2.0," she laughed, "do you wanna try again? I mean as friends. Friends only."
"Are you kidding? I'd love to," she immediately hugged Minghao the best she could with their current seating arrangement. Minghao didn't expect it at all, but she didn't entirely hate it either. Her therapist would be proud of the progress she was making.
As class started, Minghao could hear Junhui's knee bouncing throughout the entirety of the session. It wasn't out of nervousness, though. She bit her nails when she was nervous, Minghao remembered; her nails were in pristine shape, even painted a pale shade of pink. It was out of excitement, a way for Junhui to release her pent up energy. Maybe she had been waiting for this moment for a while. Minghao started to feel bad for making her wait so long. Then again, the time they had spent apart from each other only made them individually stronger.
Minghao still had certain negative feelings towards Junhui. She couldn't put names to them, but she still had her qualms. With that being said, she was more than happy to reconnect with someone who truly understood her in her teenage years. She had a feeling that Junhui would still understand, as difficult as it may be.
Junhui, on the other hand, didn't have any hard feelings when Minghao left. She knew she had messed up. Now, she was just content that Minghao found her way back to her one way or another.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
The next week after class, Junhui invited Minghao out for lunch. Which was fine. Except it wasn't.
Minghao came up with an excuse to not go that day: "I have a doctor's appointment today, but maybe another time?" Something in her made her feel hesitant to go out with her. Was Junhui hitting on her? Was this a date?
She overthought it a bit too much, especially considering that she had made it very clear she didn't want anything romantic between the two of them. Her feelings became all tangled up in knots again the more she thought about it. Did she actually want Junhui?
As a last resort, she decided to ask Mingyu for some advice. The only person besides her therapist that would know a ton about Junhui was Mingyu.
"What are you doing talking with Junhui again?!" Mingyu crossed his arms, his eyes wide from shock. Minghao was completely adamant on never speaking to Junhui again, so of course it would be a surprise to Mingyu that she changed her mind.
"Listen, it happened by chance. She's in my class, and—"
"Wait wait wait, she?!"
Minghao cleared her throat. "Yeah, she. She transitioned too. Surprise!"
"Damn," said Mingyu, "seems like you guys were really meant to be."
"Mingyu, it's not like that," she shook her head, slightly frustrated, "we're just talking. I just need your advice because she invited me out for lunch and I don't know how I feel about it."
Mingyu sat down on the couch next to Minghao, thinking of ways to help her. "Well, if you don't wanna go, just tell her no."
"But, I—"
"But you wanna go, right?" he jumped in and finished the sentence for her. It was true, there was a lingering desire inside her that wanted to go out with Junhui. But she also vowed to herself that she'd never speak to her again. Even though she already broke that vow, she was scared of it going any further than that.
Minghao shrugged, her eyes looking everywhere but at Mingyu's face. "I guess I do. I'm just worried."
"Worried about what?"
"Worried that it'll just end up how it did before. I don't want to get myself into a relationship like that again."
Mingyu tsked at how unrealistic Minghao was being. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm sure Junhui doesn't want you anymore anyways. You have control. The cards are in your hands. Go have lunch with her, maybe she needs closure."
"Closure," Minghao let the word roll off her tongue, "if you say so. But if this goes wrong I'm blaming you."
He laughed, getting up from where he sat. "Blame yourself. I don't control your life, you do."
Food for thought. Maybe Mingyu was a better therapist than the actual therapist she paid to listen to her problems.
The next time she saw Junhui, she asked her if she wanted to go for some lunch after class at the local poké bowl shop. Of course Junhui said yes.
"Do you really think I'm hitting on you?" Junhui asked flusteredly, taking a bite out of her bowl.
The two of them used to go out for poké a lot, and Minghao noticed that Junhui's order was still the exact same as it was before. White rice, ahi tuna, salmon, various vegetables, yum-yum sauce, and wonton crisps on top. She didn't even know how she remembered that order, but she was glad she could remember something positive about Junhui for once.
"Maybe. But I think I also need to let that go," replied Minghao, looking out the window of the restaurant. She was glad that it was warm now, and that the sun poked through the short curtains onto her face. She didn't want to admit it, but Junhui's own warmth poked and prodded into her heart as well. Junhui didn't radiate frostbitten coldness anymore — it was like she melted too, back into the person she was meant to be.
"You know, you have a right to feel weird towards me," Junhui started, putting down her fork. "I did a lot of stupid shit. I regret every minute of it."
When Minghao said nothing, Junhui continued. "I don't need to get back with you. I just want you to know that I still care about you. I know you struggled too."
It felt like a punch to the gut hearing those words come from Junhui for the first time. It was everything Minghao needed to hear, plus some more. Perhaps Junhui did change, aside from her poké bowl order or her stupidly cute smile that Minghao never forgot about. Minghao never stopped loving her little quirks, but she began to fall in love with this newer side of Junhui too.
Minghao wasn't entirely innocent either, though. She realized there were some things that Junhui probably wanted to hear too. It was time for her to let go.
"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I care about you too. I tried to shove you out of my life because I thought it would help, but I know now that it just made things worse. I really did love you."
"Did it make things worse though?" Junhui questioned. "I mean, look at us now. We're right where we need to be."
Junhui wiped the tears that rolled down Minghao's face, making her smile more than she wanted to. She needed to let go of her stoic front. There was no need for it anymore.
"Don't cry, Minghao. Your salty tears are going to fall into your bowl and ruin your meal."
It was so hard for Minghao to resist Junhui. She was different than before, yet exactly the same. Junhui was beautiful inside and out, and deep down, Minghao knew this. She couldn't keep clinging onto the past when the present was right in front of her, wiping her tears and making her laugh.
"You really are Junhui 2.0," Minghao giggled, a lightness on her shoulders from their conversation. Lunch with Junhui wasn't as bad as she thought.
"I suppose that makes you Minghao 2.0 too," teased Junhui.
"I like the sound of that. It has a nice ring to it."
The rest of their lunch was spent catching up with each other. They got to know each other once again, as if it were their first time meeting. Even so, they conversed as if they had known each other all their lives. It was a reunion of sorts; a reunion of parts to become whole again.
As much as Minghao's feelings towards Junhui confused her, she realized how bright of a person Junhui really was underneath the blanket of dysphoria. She didn't really have a reason to resent her anymore.
Junhui knew all along that Minghao struggled with getting her own thoughts and emotions out, so she never had any ill will towards her. It was their breakup that caused Junhui to change — to self-reflect, and realize that she needed to fix herself. In fact, she was thankful everyday that they split. Otherwise, she'd still be high off her mind somewhere. Possibly even dead.
They finished their little lunch outing and went their separate ways. They both had things to get to in their own individual lives, but now there was an underlying promise that no matter what, they'd end up finding each other anyways.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Minghao loved Wednesday. It remained a perfect balance between beginning and end. Now, it was also the day she got to see Junhui. Not that she looked forward to it or anything. Who knew of such a thing?
As fall began to approach, it started to get colder again. There was an undescribable chill in the air, and the leaves on the trees around the city began to turn red and orange. She didn't mind it.
She and Junhui continued to go out on occasion after class, when they both had the time to. They went shopping together, out to eat together, and sometimes just took a walk in the park together. Whenever Minghao forgot to bring a coat to keep herself warm, Junhui would always offer her own. It was the warmth that Minghao was missing all along.
One day, Minghao invited her over. It was an especially cold day — it started to snow as soon as they left class — and she didn't want to go outside and freeze to death. It would be a very cool way to die, though.
Seungkwan and Hansol weren't home — they were on vacation for a few days out in Jeju — so Minghao had the place to herself. She still missed hearing their bickering throughout the house. The moaning, not so much.
They set their bags down, and Junhui sat on the couch. "God, this is hard. You said you sleep here?"
"Yup," said Minghao from the kitchen, "I got used to it after a while. Better than nothing."
Minghao took out her vial from the fridge, along with a syringe and some alcohol wipes. She almost forgot, but today was the day she took her shot.
Junhui heard the rustling in the kitchen and got up curiously. "Oh, do you need some help?" As Minghao learned, Junhui was also taking estrogen through injections. It was especially helpful for her because she already knew what it was like to stick needles under her skin. Minghao was newer to it, and sometimes needed the help of Seungkwan or Hansol when they were available.
She wanted to say no — she wanted to prove she could do it on her own — but she accepted it anyways. Junhui was gentle, caring, and not someone that Minghao needed to prove herself to anymore. They were on an even playing field, and they weren't even on opposing sides.
It wasn't that she couldn't take the shot on her own. It was actually quite easy, just an injection into her upper thigh. She just couldn't do it out of fear of the pain. Seeing a needle going into her own leg wasn't the most comforting sight.
Now, Junhui was there, giving her all the support she could ever need. Junhui softly wiped off a spot on her left thigh as she sat in a chair by the dinner table, anticipating the small pang of the needle going inside her. Junhui held her hand, tenderly whispering affirmations that it was going to be alright.
So far, Junhui had been correct. It was going to be alright.
Minghao trusted her. It was going to be alright.
It went by quickly. Minghao squeezed her eyes tightly, squeezed Junhui's hand even tighter, but it didn't hurt as much as she expected it to. She'd done it dozens of times, and it never hurt as much as she thought it would. Yet, this time, it was the least painful. She felt seen by Junhui. Junhui understood her pain. Junhui understood it all.
The moment was raw, intimate. It was like a piece of Minghao's flesh had been torn off, and Junhui could see all her insides. Though, it wasn't discomforting. If there was one person that Minghao wanted to show all of herself to, it had to be Junhui.
The room was quiet, but all that needed to be said was said through actions. Junhui doing that for Minghao was enough for her to be in love again. The Junhui she once knew was no longer. The Minghao that Junhui once knew was no longer.
"Thank you," Minghao whispered faintly.
Junhui looked up at her with watery eyes, her long wispy bangs beginning to get in the way of them. She stood up from where she was crouched on the floor to help administer the drug, taking Minghao's hand to get her to stand as well. "It's the least I could do for you."
Face to face, they could look closely at all the small details of each other. Junhui's moles. Minghao's pointed ears. Junhui's nose. Minghao's plump lips. Features that both of them knew so well, yet yearned to learn more about.
The lips, in particular.
They were so close to each other, that naturally, their lips gravitated towards one another. It was slow, but knowing.
It wasn't their first kiss, but it sure felt like it. Their touches were so delicate, but there was an eagerness to feel more. To Minghao, it felt like she had returned home. To Junhui, it felt like she was done waiting for a return.
The needle and vial stayed out on the table, quickly forgotten as the two continued to kiss like there was no tomorrow. Junhui's nails scraped Minghao's back through the shirt she wore. It felt like heaven.
Minghao's hands creeped down Junhui's back, landing right on her lower region. She squeezed each cheek, getting a squeal out of the taller girl. "Nice to know you still have an ass," she pulled away from Junhui, teasing her.
"Nice to know you're still an ass," Junhui teased back. The two giggled harmoniously before they latched onto each other again, heading for the uncomfortably hard couch.
It wouldn't be the first time they'd had sex in an awkward spot. However, this time felt different. It wasn't rushed, it wasn't risky. It was two people who, after growing apart, found each other again and realized their true affection for themselves and one another. The love was real this time.
Minghao crashed down on the brown couch, with Junhui on top of her. Their hands explored each other's bodies while their mouths were occupied, feeling how their chests had become slightly rounder with time. Minghao moaned in Junhui's mouth when she brushed against her nipple, feeling extra sensitive in that area.
They grinded against each other, feeling high off the friction caused by their groins rubbing together and the cloth in between. Hansol and Seungkwan could walk in at any time — Minghao couldn't remember when they were supposed to come back — but that wasn't something either of them really worried about.
It was their first time in a long while, yet it felt like they had just picked up right where they left off. They both remembered the rhythms they grinded to, and it was easy for both of them to work themselves up on each other's bodies. The movements they made were more romantic, though, savoring each passing moment with each other as they held each other close.
Junhui pulled off and sat up, still making small grinds on Minghao's lap. "You want this?" she panted, her lip gloss somewhat smudged from their unrestrained kissing session.
Minghao's eyes glazed over. She was always a particularly reactive person when it came to sex, but this was new. She wanted Junhui more than she ever had before. Perhaps it was because they were separated that she couldn't help but feel even more drawn to her.
"You're crazy if you think I don't want this."
Junhui smirked and gave her another peck on her lips before she took off her shirt, revealing a lacy red bra that cupped her boobs perfectly. Minghao never expected this sight to be in front of her, all for her to take in.
Minghao took hers off as well, sporting her own casual pink bra. It wasn't as articulate as Junhui's, but that was because she was too shy to bring Mingyu and Jihoon with her to the lingerie section in the store.
They slowly stripped each other of their clothes, peeling off layer by layer until they were in nothing at all. Their bare bodies, in all their glory. Junhui left delicate kisses all over Minghao's body, from her lips all the way to her feet. An act of worship. An apology.
Minghao giggled when some of the kisses tickled a little, loosening up the tension in the moment. Their hearts were full and finally open for each other. There were no secrets, no arguments, no bitterness. Only love.
When Junhui finished her kissing, Minghao decided it was her turn too. Her kisses were a little harsher, fiercer, leaving marks in spots only she knew she'd see. It was her own form of apologizing, claiming Junhui as her own once again.
Things moved a little faster once Minghao left love bites all over Junhui. Junhui was laid down on the couch now, and Minghao began to jerk her off. Her dick was slightly smaller than she remembered it to be, but she knew she'd love it anyways because it was Junhui's. The noises that came out of Junhui's mouth were delectable, especially because her voice was slightly pitched up from before.
"Ke—Keep going, fuck," she moaned, the friction hurting a little bit because of Minghao's dry hand on her dry skin. The discomfort felt so good.
As if Minghao read her mind, she gathered some saliva in her mouth and spit it onto her dick, making the glide a bit smoother. It only made Junhui harder.
"You're so easy," Minghao teased, moving her hand even faster. Sometimes, her painted black nails would scrape against the genitalia, causing Junhui to moan even harder. "You haven't changed one bit. Except you're hotter now."
Junhui pleaded for her to keep going, feeling a buildup in her lower abdomen already. Minghao felt her tense up, immediately putting her mouth on her tip and catching her release as it came out. She never heard Junhui moan so loud, and all she did was jerk her off.
"God," Junhui gasped, "you're so good at that. I missed that."
"Oh, we're not even close to done yet. Prep me, baby."
Baby. She hadn't called Junhui that in a long time, not since they were teenagers. It gave her a warm, tender feeling in her heart when she heard that come out of her own mouth. Junhui felt the same.
Minghao crawled on top of her, presenting herself for Junhui's fingers to enter. Junhui took two fingers and put them in Minghao's mouth, wetting them before reaching back to stuff them in her ass.
"You couldn't even start with just one—" she started, only to be interrupted by a kiss with Junhui. Junhui just couldn't withstand not putting her mouth on Minghao's for five seconds. Minghao didn't blame her.
Junhui continued moving her fingers inside Minghao as they passionately kissed, absorbing all of Minghao's moans and turning them into muffled whimpers. She could always tell when she brushed up against Minghao's prostate, sensing her body tense up and her legs falter faintly.
After what felt like forever, Junhui pulled her fingers out and released Minghao from her lips. She was out of breath already, and they hadn't even really gotten to the fun part yet.
"I thought you wanted to continue?" Junhui remarked, holding onto Minghao's waist and rubbing circles into it with her thumbs.
Minghao took a deep breath before answering. "I haven't had sex in probably almost two years at this point. You keep sucking all the air out of me, of course I'm gonna be winded."
Junhui chuckled. "Take your time, but Ms. Cockarina can only last so long."
"Ugh, you're so weird!"
"Get used to it, pretty girl."
Minghao rolled her eyes, giving Junhui the satisfaction of a little smile. She then sat back on her heels, her legs on either side of Junhui's waist, and lined up Junhui with her hole.
Slowly, she sank down onto Junhui's length, closing her eyes to take in the feeling of it. She was on cloud nine, and nobody could bring her down to the ground. It was like Mingyu had said earlier — nobody could control her life but her. She knew what she wanted, and what she wanted was Junhui. Screw what her therapist said about forgetting about Junhui. They both just needed time to change.
Once she reached the base of her cock, she started to move her hips around slowly, getting used to the ache. Junhui moved her hands along Minghao's torso, thumbing with her nipples. Minghao's head fell back at the stimulation.
Minghao finally had someone that truly understood her. She just needed to be patient. She just needed to accept Junhui into her life again.
She placed her hands on Junhui's chest, toying with the forming mounds as she started to move her body up and down. The both of them groaned as they took from each other, their desire growing more and more as the mood heightened.
The couch was uncomfortable, they were in a house that wasn't even their own, and they still both felt uneasy with the bodies they were forced to live with for the time being. Yet, it was the best sex they'd ever had. They had each other, even if the world didn't have them.
Tears formed in Minghao's eyes, and she didn't understand why. Junhui stopped her movements to wipe her tears again, except she started to cry as well.
"What is going on with us?" Minghao laughed, taking a break from riding to lay flat on Junhui's body, her dick still inside. "I feel so emotional doing this with you."
"Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be," Junhui answered, the tears falling down her face and onto the couch. "This feels more right than anything else I've ever done in my life."
Minghao sniffled, allowing herself to cry. "I'm so thankful we have the same psychology class. I would've dropped it otherwise, that professor is a douche."
"Yeah," she agreed, "I mean, who the fuck assigns two papers a week and those stupid discussion posts?"
Instead of continuing their session, they just laid there together, warm body to warm body. Their sex wasn't long, but it was meaningful. A new bond had been created. A new understanding of each other formed.
"I love you," Minghao whispered close to Junhui's ear, kissing her jawline.
Junhui declined to respond for a few moments, causing Minghao to worry she messed up. However, she decided to be patient.
"I love you too."
Patience.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
After that day, they never stopped showing their love for one another. They fell in love with the people they had changed into, because their emotions no longer got in the way.
Minghao never thought she'd be able to love again. She was so depressed that she forgot what love even was.
Ever since she found herself again, she found love again. Coincidentally, that lover was someone she fell in love with once, and is currently in love with even harder than before.
Junhui found it difficult to get over Minghao, but she knew it was mostly her fault that they broke up. She was glad she found herself too. If she didn't, only God knew where she would've ended up. And she didn't want to know where that would've been.
Thankfully, she didn't have to get over her. They were doing just fine together, as the people they were really meant to be.
"This one's cute," Junhui pointed out, stopping Minghao's scrolling on the laptop to look at an apartment. They had talked about moving in together since they were in high school, but obviously that fell through. Now that they were officially dating again, they could finally begin the life together that they had always dreamed of.
"Jun! Look at the damn price! Hell no!" Minghao scolded lightly, scrolling past it as soon as she saw the rent price was way out of their budget. They were still broke college students, after all.
It was always difficult for them to agree on things. Minghao was more headstrong, but Junhui was more persuasive. Finding the apartment that was just right was like trying to find a lab-grown diamond in a pile full of natural ones.
"Could we just call it a day? I'm missing your lips," Junhui whined, shutting the laptop.
"You two are so gross. Get a room!" Seungkwan walked past, going to the kitchen for his evening smoothie.
"Ironic, since I don't have my own bedroom and I'm trying to move out with my girlfriend. You and Hansol's daily sex, on the other hand, could be heard from a mile away!" That shut Seungkwan up real quick.
Junhui grinned, pinning Minghao down on the couch and kissing her cheek. "When's it gonna be wife?"
"Woah, slow down there. We don't even have a house together!" she wrestled Junhui, play-fighting with her.
"I know. I'm just excited for our future."
Minghao cheesed, getting the happy ending she had always wanted. "I know you are. And so am I."