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Kevin Price felt like a pendulum.
His entire life he swung between being confused about his faith and ignoring those feelings. The last few days have sped up that swing, they had him rapidly swapping between complete faith in God and complete doubt that he existed. There was no in between.
But there had to be, eventually. A pendulum cannot swing forever. It must be propelled by an outside force or it will slow to a stop.
Kevin could feel the way it slowed as the days after the mission president excommunicated them passed. There were days where he broke as many rules as he could, and others where he was so frightened to do anything wrong and prayed to Heavenly Father for forgiveness for all his transgressions.
But those days of fevered prayer after a particularly bad Hell Dream had been lessening, and Kevin was beginning to realize that he was less and less sure of God's existence.
Something in him was horrified at this realization, considering the fact he was brought up as some sort of "supermormon." Yet, there was another, much larger part of him, that was relieved.
Being brought up to be perfect at all times no matter what was exhausting. For there to be no God meant there was no need to be perfect. Not to mention the… incident with the General. He just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that if there was a God they could just allow that to happen to someone. His aversion to touch was still pronounced, and he wasn't sure he would be able to get over it any time soon.
Yeah, with everything that's happened recently he was more and more content in believing there was no God.
Of course, his swinging seemed to confuse a number of the other missionaries. They didn't understand the way he swore like a sailor one day and another refused to even utter the word "damn." He didn't blame them, it was his own problem. It was a problem he had been dealing with for years, it just became a bit more… erratic and well, obvious.
The only two who seemed to take his pendulating in stride were Arnold and McKinley. (They had taken to dropping the "elder" honorific, but there was something about calling McKinely "Connor" that his brain had vehemently rejected. Arnold was fine, but but not Connor.) The two of them had no reaction nor any comment whenever he seemed to shift completely. Though the one constant in his life was coffee. No matter how Mormon he tried to be, coffee was a vice he couldn't shake. That stuff was perfect and he wasn't sure why in the hell Joseph Smith received the word to ban "hot drinks". Though caffeinated drinks weren't specifically prohibited, maybe iced coffee would be allowed.
Not that it mattered anymore. Not with all his coming to terms with everything.
His coming to terms with everything didn't stop the Hell Dreams though.
He supposes there is some sort residual Mormon guilt that comes with leaving the Church. Not to mention sometimes his Hell Dreams were just nightmares reliving the incident.
So here he was, sitting in the kitchen at who knows what time, nursing a glass of water and just waiting for his brain to sort itself out so he could go back to bed.
It seemed that he wasn't the only one up at this hour, however.
There was a shuffling noise from one of the rooms, the sound of a door closing as softly as possible, and then emerged McKinley. His hair was mussed, he was mumbling something under his breath, and he didn't seem to notice Kevin's presence at first. So Kevin just took this moment to admire their mission leader looking so… not put together.
Of course, that wouldn't last forever, as McKinley finally seemed to process that there was someone else on the room. This, of course, resulted in him beginning to let out a yelp before cutting himself off.
"Kevin!" He whisper shouted, "Don't scare me like that!"
Kevin, for his part, began to laugh, shoulders shaking as he desperately tried to keep the sounds quiet enough to where he wouldn't wake anyone. He was so tired that it was extremely difficult to regain his composure.
McKinley sighed loudly before walking behind Kevin, probably getting water as well.
"Sorry, its just, I didn't know what to say. No one is usually up at this time." he said after he managed to get his giggling under control.
McKinley pulled up a stool to the other end of the table Kevin sat at. "It's true, no one is usually up right now. So why are you?"
Kevin felt the lingering smile that was on his face fall. "Bad dream." was his curt response.
McKinley just nodded and took a long sip of his water. "Me too."
"Do you think I'm a bad person, McKinley?" he found himself blurting out after a moment of silence passed between the two of them.
The confusion on the other man's face was enough to get him to immediately back off, "You know what? Forget I asked. Sorry. I don't know where that came from. I think I should just go back to bed. Sorry." he began to get back up but Mckinley moved his arm out to stop him.
It halts Kevin in his place, his eyes briefly going wide. His brain supplies him with the images of The General and his guards. It takes him a second to control his breathing.
There's a lapse of silence, a concerned look from Mckinely before he lowers his arm and speaks again.
"Where is this coming from?"
Kevin sits back down, there's a brief moment of pain that has him halting before adjusting himself in the seat again. He takes a deep breath, "I think I've finally come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist."
McKinley nods, "Okay…" there's an unspoken 'go on' attached to the word.
"I just- ever since I was younger I was told that dedicating myself to the Church and all it stood for would result in me getting everything I ever wanted. And I know that a lot of that was in reference to The Latter Days, but it felt like it should have applied to right now as well. And like, when we were first going on this mission and I got paired with Arnold, he told me that he prayed to Heavenly Father to be my mission companion. And in that moment I just couldn't understand why Arnold's prayer was answered and not mine? And when like I reflected on it, maybe I was just being a selfish prick with my choice, and Heavenly Father needed to teach me a lesson or something. And then we got here and there was something in me which — after getting over the whole 'this is nothing like what I imagined' — couldn't understand how an all loving God would allow these people to suffer," at this point he has gotten up off the stool again, but this time to pace around the kitchen because there is a nervous energy roiling throughout his body.
"All of the villagers here were struggling, and the Church says that if you follow God everything will get better, but every time I think about that I find myself asking why there is a condition to God's seemingly unconditional love? Why should these people have to convert in order for things to be better? And especially why should they convert for a Church which didn't even allow them to be part of the religion until 1978? There's so much terrible shit in the world that nothing in me can justify believing in a God who promises goodness in the afterlife. What about now? Don't we deserve happiness now? But maybe that's my selfishness talking again. I don't know! But with all these thoughts, there's this other part of me, the Elder Price part, which says that I'm going to Hell for thinking any of this! And he won't shut the fuck up with berating me for not believing hard enough, for allowing my doubts to get in the way, for breaking the rules, for being some sort of heretic and saying I deserved to get a fucking book shoved up my ass!!!" The more impassioned he gets the more he paces and the more his speaking turns into a whisper shout, still trying not to disturb anyone currently sleeping.
He finally stops and looks toward McKinley, "So I just- I need someone to tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a bad person?"
There's another long silence, McKinley very obviously thinking about his words before he says them.
"You are not a bad person, Kevin." He begins, "You may have been — in your own words — a 'selfish prick' when you first arrived. But that was Elder Price. Someone who had been told that he was perfect and would get everything he wanted, and that's not you. You're Kevin." He takes another moment, "Since we were essentially excommunicated from the Church it seems like you've had crisis of faith. From what you're saying now and what I remember you saying back then, this has been happening for a while. I don't blame you, Kevin. I- I honestly don't know if I ever believed in God. There's nothing wrong with not believing, just as there is nothing wrong with believing. There's so much out there that influences how we see the world. And I agree with your points, a seemingly all powerful all loving God allowing terrible things to happen is such a paradox. So, Kevin, you don't have to worry about what you're feeling right now. The Elder Price yelling at you was created from years of outside reinforcement, just like the Elder McKinley that yells at me for being gay. That's not going to go away just because we're 'free' of the Church. We have to go back to the states at some point, and we'll have to learn how to navigate it based on our newfound…everything. All of this to say, you're not a bad person, Kevin. You're human, and that's all any of us can be right now."
The raging sea of emotions crashing against the dam behind his eyes finally wins and the wall finally bursts as tears flow out of him. He chokes back a sob as he falls to the ground. McKinley gets out of his chair, faster than Kevin can process, and is kneeling down beside him. One of his hands hovers over Kevin's shoulder, as if unsure how to proceed. Kevin decides for him, moving from where he is crouched to tackle him in an embrace. He needs to know that this is real, that this is happening. That this conversation with McKinley wasn't just a figment of his imagination.
His arms squeeze around his torso, sobs wracking his chest as he buries his face in McKinley's shoulder.
The other boy is stunned for a moment before his arms come to wrap him in an embrace as well, one hand running through Kevin's hair as the other rubs circles on his back. "It's gonna be okay, Kevin."
The two sit in silence for a few minutes, Kevin crying and McKinley comforting him. Eventually though, the silence is broken, "I will say, when you're ready, I do need to ask about the uhm- the book thing."
Kevin shudders. Something in him hoped that McKinley would ignore it, but alas, his hopes were dashed once more. Did he want to tell McKinley? Yes. He's been thinking about it for weeks, he needs to tell someone. The real question is can he? Every time he even thinks about it his chest seizes in fear, and he only even managed to say anything about it early because it just came tumbling out of him. Maybe if he talks around it enough he can trick himself into saying something…
As if feeling his discomfort, McKinley speaks again, "You don't have to tell me anything right now, Kevin. I'm just worried that I didn't know about this beforehand…"
Kevin shakes his head, "I know I don't have to talk. I want to though, its been eating away at me, just like the religion thing. Its just– more difficult to talk about." His hand grab at McKinley's shirt, balling his fist in the fabric. "It was, we'll. I had the Hell Dream, as you know when I passed out at the bus stop. And then I was up again and Arnold did something incredible and when I tried to take over like the selfish prick I am– was, everyone ignored me. And then you said that no one would change a warlords mind unless they did something incredible. And so I thought, 'finally, Kevin, you can do what everyone expected of you! Go change that warlords mind with the power of God!' Because I don't think I was really thinking straight, I was dehydrated, and just had the second worst nightmare of my life after spending all night on the ground. And so I marched over to The General's camp, walked right on in and started preaching at him!" Kevin laughs at this, at the sheer absurdity of his choices in retrospect, "And he-" he chokes on his words, but he's determined, he needs to get this off his chest. "He knocked my Book out of my hand, and I said some stupid shit like: 'By the power of God touch me not' and he did, he grabbed me by the shoulders and told me he was going to show me exactly where I can shove the teachings of Christ. And well! He- he really did!" As he finished the recount his voice became more and more shaky, and by the time he finished he was sobbing again as McKinley continued to hold him.
"Fuck, Kev. I- God I was such a dick to you in that moment, I cant believe I didn't see the obvious signs of you struggling. Im so sorry…"
"No no, I get it." He replies, "The Mission President wanted a report and we finally had people wanting baptisms, you were focused on that. It was my own fault."
"Kevin, the Mission President wanting a report doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to notice when one of my group is struggling. I think… I think we all 'turned it off' so much that we tuned out whenever anything bad happened. There's no excuse for that."
"Thank you…" His voice sounded so small, and McKinley just wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay, everything was going to work out in the end. But his own doubts made themselves known.
"I burned the Book after that." Kevin finds himself continuing, "Gotswana gave it back to me, but I never wanted to see it again."
"That's completely understandable, Kevin."
"My dad gave me that book when I was nine. I read that book everyday for years. I studied every line thoroughly, I read it so much the front cover had to be re-attached! And now its gone. Its gone because I was stupid enough to march into a warlords camp and-" and the tears begin again. Kevin cant help but feel like McKinley has got to be tired of this by now, he's probably gonna make up an excuse and leave because Kevin Price cant just pull it together for one fucking minute.
But that's not what happens.
"Kevin. Look at me." He hears McKinley say, and so he complies, looking up at the man through eyes that are burning with tears. Maybe he should drink more water.
McKinley moves the hand that was running through his hair to cup his cheek, "Listen, you cannot define yourself based on this, that is Elder Price speaking. What happened wasn't justified in any way, no matter how you try and spin it, it was never your fault, okay? And while that book meant a lot to Elder Price, it doesn't have to mean a lot to Kevin. You're not him anymore, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to know everything, you just have to keep going. The only Latter Day that matters is tomorrow, remember?"
He knows he said those words high off adrenaline after chasing off The General and trying to convince everyone to stay. But he can't help but feel they mean more coming from Connor. And the way he's cupping his face is nice, and the way he's holding him is nice, and the way he could just-
The kiss lasts not even 10 seconds. Its chaste and made on impulse, and Kevin is immediately self conscious of the fact he's been violently sobbing for the last half hour and his face is probably disgusting. But he did it, and afterwards he just stares wide eyed at Connor as the other boys stares back with an equally stunned look.
They sit like that for a moment, before Kevin finally gets his brain back in working order and realizes what he just did.
"Oh my god. I don't know what came over me, I'm so sorry. I should've asked, or said something, or-"
"Kevin." Connor interrupts.
"…yes?"
"Can I kiss you?"
And suddenly the two are kissing, for real this time and its soft and slow and when they part Kevin feels like he just found out what meeting God is like.
"I've wanted to do that since you walked in your first day." Connor tells him, running a hand through Kevin's hair again.
"Yeah I know," is Kevin's response, said through a huff of laughter. "You've checked me out numerous times. Not to mention the fact you tried to kiss me after I grabbed you by the shoulders."
"You actually saw that?"
"Yeah, I just ignored it because I was so focused on leaving and going home…" Kevin trails off at the end, seeming fully processing what just happened. This realization is accompanied by a renewed set of tears, "Oh my god, oh my god, I'm in love with you." He breaks out into another sob.
"Hey, hey, Kev. What's wrong?" Connor says, cupping his face once again.
Kevin sobs harder, leaning into Connor's, "Oh god, what am I g-gonna do when we get back– back to the states? My parents are going to disown me. Where a-am I going to go after that?"
"Hey, hey. Listen, you are not in the state of mind right now to be thinking about that. We have time, Kevin. I know it's a lot, it's a lot for all of us. But we are here for each other, right? We're sticking through this together."
"Sorry, sorry. I know, I j-just." He tries to take a shuddering breath, "I always knew what my life was going to be! And now here I am falling apart because for once in my life, I don't know what's going to happen. I want to love you, Connor. I want to be happy with you."
Connor takes in a breath, and Kevin notices the way it catches in his throat. "…You said my name…"
He did?
He did.
He doesn't know when the change happened, but somewhere in their talks he stopped seeing McKinley and started seeing Connor. He buries his face in Connor's shoulder, "Yeah, I did."
They sit there again, just holding each other, before Kevin speaks up again. "I'm sorry about your shirt…"
Connor responded with laughter, no sound came out of his mouth but his shoulders shook violently enough Kevin had to move out of the way so he wouldn't get hit.
"What are you laughing at?"
"Nothing, nothing. I just noticed that you're like a pendulum. One thing to another, back and forth." Connor replies, running a hand through Kevin's hair again.
"I've been feeling that way recently, yeah…"
"And you know the good thing about a pendulum, Kevin?"
"What?"
"Eventually, it comes to a stop. The swinging slows, and you won't have to worry about being thrown every which way. And wherever you fall when you stop… I'll be there."
Kevin's surprised he can even, still cry, but the tears come nonetheless. This time he feels the weight on his shoulders ease just a bit. He isn't alone. Connor is here for him, Arnold is here for him, hell even Naba is here for him. "Thank you…"
"Of course, Kev." Connor replies, "Now, do you want to move to like the couch or something because the floor is making my butt go numb."
That gets a laugh out of Kevin as he moves out of Connor's embrace. "I don't wanna go back to our rooms. Not that I'd wake Arnold anyway…"
"I'd definitely wake Chris." He thinks for a moment. "The couch?"
"That works, that thing is fucking comfortable."
That gets another laugh out of Connor as the two stand and move towards the living area. Connor lays down on the couch, head on one of the armrests, and opens his arm towards Kevin.
"Cuddling on the couch? Isn't that a bit forward, Connor?"
"Shut up and get over here Kev, I'm finally tired and would like to get some sleep before the sun rises and I am inevitably awake at 6:30 even though it doesn't matter what time we wake up anymore."
Kevin rolls his eyes, "Whatever, Connor." But he complies and flops on top of Connor, resulting in an oomph before Connor lets out a giggle and wraps Kevin in an embrace.
"Thank you again, Connor. For… everything tonight."
"It's no problem, Kev. Now go to bed, I'm tired."
Kevin huffs out a laugh and buries his face into Connor's shoulder, "Yeah yeah. Goodnight."
He feels Connor press a kiss to the top of his head, "Goodnight."