Work Text:
"Nanon"
"Pawat."
This feels wrong. Them being like this feels wrong. This person used to be his best friend, the person he considered to be his soul mate. Now they don't even talk anymore. They can't even look at each other at this point, not because he doesn't want to look at him. How can he not want to look at him. It's just looking at him hurts, and it hurts to the point that even though he was a brilliant actor, he was. He couldn't hide it, so he just looked away.
Nanon remembers the first day he met Ohm. He had seen him in passing at the company and maybe exchanged polite greetings and he would admit to himself that the guy had a captivating aura about him, maybe it was the intensity of his eyes or the confidence in his strut. Whatever it was, it was captivating it made you want to look, to seek, and to find out more.
Nanon has been industry since literally diaper age, his parents being who they were, so he has had a lot of unfortunate friendships forged, friendships that have left him hurt, broken hearted and unfortunately traumatised. As a result, he built a giant wall around him. He had only a few people he would say he considered to be his friends, and among them was Chimon.Him and Chimon clicked in a way that one could describe as telepathic.
So imagine how surprised he was when he willingly lowered his guard down for Ohm Pawat. The thing was Ohm was very different from him yet similar. They bickered a lot, like a lot to a point where it sort of became their love language.
It all started when him, Chimon, Ohm, and other actors, starred in the series Blacklist. He had noticed that Chimon and Ohm were friendly with each other. Now Nanon wasn't a jealous type of guy. He was just someone who liked to gatekeep his favorite people. We are all like that sometimes. When we see our best friends get close with other people, we sort of feel uneasy. So that's how it was for Nanon. He obviously didn't say it outloud because he wasn't a 5 year old pre-schooler, but his actions did reflect his disapproval of the budding friendship between Chimon and Ohm.
The thing was, it's not like Nanon didn't want Chimon to have other people he hung out with because he was fine with it and even encouraged it. It was just that with Ohm, it was different. He had this sort of guttural feeling that he couldn't explain, like an instict or a gut feeling that made him feel uneasy.
Ohm always had this stupid smile on his face, and he was actually nice to Nanon even though Nanon admittedly acted like a dick towards him. The worst part was everyone in the cast, including the production staff and filming crew, seemed to adore Ohm despite how childish he was with the numerous pranks he played.
"What's up with you?" Chimon had asked him one day when Nanon had refused the coffee Ohm had bought for him along with the rest of the cast and staff.
"What are you talking about?" Nanon had asked, feigning ignorance.
"Look, I know you are not a ray of sunshine, and I don't expect you to he but why are you so mean to Ohm? The guy has been nothing but nice." Chimon had said in response.
"Just because I am not one of Ohm's fanboys doesn't mean I am being mean to him. I am a professional around him. I don't need to be his friend. He has enough of those already." Nanon had said pointing to where Ohm was goofing around with First and Frank.
"He specifically asked me for your favorite coffee order and managed to get it for you despite how long and ridiculous it was." Chimon had told him, and Nanon did feel kind of bad for a second.
"Well, I didn't ask him to, did I?" Nanon had replied, and he knew this was total douchebag behavior, but he didn't find it in himself to care.
"As your best friend, I feel like I am obligated to tell you that you are being an asshole." Chimon had said to him before walking off to join the rest of the cast.
Nanon had spent most of his free time with Prim or the filming crew avoiding the other boys because he didn't want to face Ohm. Just in case Chimon accused him of being mean to the little old puppy named Ohm.
For the next several days, one of the staff had been giving him his favorite coffee order, specifically from the café he liked with the freah caramel glazed donuts from there every time they were filming. He thought it was nice of them, but he felt bad for some reason.
"Phi, you know you don't have to get me coffee every time." Nanon had informed him when he gave him the coffee again, this time with a blueberry muffin instead of the usual doughnuts.
"Oh, it's not from me. It's from nong'Ohm." The staff member told him, "Oh, he said he's sorry there weren't doughnuts today, but he hopes the blueberry muffin will be okay. Apparently, it comes highly recommended by the staff there." He added. Somehow, that instilled unreasonable fury in Nanon, or maybe it was guilt, but he will stick with fury for the time being.
"What's your problem?" Nanon had asked Ohm once he cornered him alone away from the other boys.
"Excuse me?" Ohm looked at him confused.
"P'Ben told me that you are the one that kept getting me coffee and those stupid doughnuts." Nanon accused, and the frown of confusion on Ohm's face deepened.
"I was getting everyone coffee, Nanon. Why are you saying it like I committed a crime." Ohm replied.
"Well, why did you give it to P'Ben and not give them to me directly? What are you playing at?" Nanon asked, more like accused.
"Because for some reason, you seem to hate me, so I thought I should just not bother you." Ohm replied, "look Nanon, I don't know what I did or say to offend you or make you hate me, but I am really sorry, okay? I can do things without thinking sometimes. I won't get you coffee anymore. It just felt weird to get everyone coffee and single you out. I will stay put off your way from now on." Ohm said and left. Nanon did kind of feel bad for that.
"What the fuck did you do now Nanon?" That was his conscious personified Chimon asking him. Who needs a conscious if you had a friend like Chimon?
"Did he run off to complain to you?" Nanon replied feigning nonchalance.
"No actually he did not. He just said he was tired but the fact that you are not denying it gives me my answer." Chimon said.
"I told him to stop bringing me coffee and those stupid doughnuts." Nanon replied.
"He got you doughnuts? The caramel glazed ones? Those are my favourites. All he got me was coffee." Chimon complained, which wasn't making Nanon feel any better.
"That's it. You need to apologise to him. And be sincere about it or so help me Buddha I will tear you from limb to limb. I didn't raise you to be an asshole. " Chimon scolded.
"You didn't raise me Mon." Nanon replied.
"Don't test me Non. I will beat your ass." Chimon said which was funny to see.
"You are so much tinier than me though." Nanon replied.
"My patience is running thin with you Non. Apologise." Chimon said sternly.
"Fine! I'll apologise. Are you happy?" Nanon replied and Chimon gave him a "I'm watching you" gesture before he left to prepare for filming.
Nanon debated with himself as to how he was going to approach Ohm after being admittedly so mean to him. So he decided to get Ohm a snack. He saw him eating those seaweed crisps the other day so he got him the Japanese shrimp flavoured ones.
"Hi. I got you these to apologise and thank you for the coffee. I was stressed out and I sort of lashed out on you." Nanon said.
"Oh. Okay. Cool thank you." Ohm said accepting the snacks. "Oh I haven't tried this flavour yet." He added already tearing the bag.
Nanon watched with fascination as Ohm's face lit up as he tasted the snack. As if it was the best thing he's ever tasted.
"It's so good. Thanks Nanon." Ohm beamed at him.
"You are like giant puppy aren't you?" Nanon commented amused at how easy it was to earn Ohm's forgiveness.
"And you are like a grumpy cat. You know the ones that always hiss at you and scratch you when you try to pet them." Ohm replied. Which was a fair comparison, "but it's okay because you're so cute so one can't really get mad at you." Ohm added like he was stating a fact.
"Riiight. I have to go now." Nanon said before things got awkward.
"See you later Nanon." Ohm replied, smiling stupidly bright and cheery for his liking, he did have a pretty smile though.
After that Nanon wasn't mean to Ohm anymore and thus did not receive any scolding from his best friend anymore. He doesn't know how it happened but him and Ohm had gotten close, they bickered about the most stupid things but they also enjoyed being around each other. Before Nanon knew it they were texting and calling each other almost everyday.
Nanon realised that Ohm liked physical affectionation as much as he did and did not shy away whenever Nanon would initiate it. Be it back hugs, leaning in on him or a kiss on the cheek. When they were almost done filming they had gotten so close that sometimes Nanon would go to Ohm when he needed a boost of energy be it in a form of a hug or just a peck on the cheek.
They would even hangout outside work now. It started with it being them and Chimon but even on days Chimon wasn't available they would just chill together. They've gotten so comfortable that they would even sleep over at each other's places and drive to work together the next day.
"Are you comfortable? Sleep well?" Ohm asked him.
He was currently lying on Ohm's lap. He might have fallen asleep with Chimon sitting across from them. You can't blame him though unlike the other cast members he had an early morning shoot and he still had more scenes to shoot later as they are going to wrap up soon so he can't even go home and sleep.
"Mn." He replied, squinting his eyes open to look at up at Ohm, who was currently filming him.
"Are you tired?" Ohm asked softly after he put his phone away.
"I had to be on set at 4h30." Nanon replied.
"Poor thing. Get some sleep so long. I think there's still 30 more minutes before we resume filming." Ohm said softly to him, running a hand through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp in the most satisfying way possible.
The thing with his friendship with Ohm was that it had gotten to the point where it was emotionally intimate. Nanon felt close to him in a way he would dare say they were platonic soulmates because as much as they bickered, they completed each other in a way Nanon thinks no one else can for either of them.
Ohm was so attentive with him as well. Noticing things that other people would miss and Nanon felt genuinely comfortable around him that the protective barrier he had built around him had crumbled. It happened so fast and in a sort of explosive type of way. Ohm didn't patiently take down the wall he built around him slowly brick by brick or build a bridge to get over it. Instead, he had bulldozed right through it to access the inner parts of his being.
Nanon thought that with Ohm filming his new series and then his movie that maybe they would slowly grow apart, and even though the thought scared him he saw it as something inevitable especially in this industry. Yet none of that happened. Ohm would randomly text him he was on his way to his apartment and show up literally 5 minutes later.
And all those times Ohm would show up at his apartment they had nothing planned. Ohm would sometimes show up just to nap in Nanon's apartment because he was too tired from filming. Other days he would show up to drag Nanon's introverted ass out of the apartment to go eat dinner because he didn't want to eat dinner by himself. Nanon put his foot down when Ohm tried to drag him to the gym with him.
"Come on Non. Excersing is good for you. Think of all the endorphins you will get afterwards. You will feel so good. Trust me." Ohm had said trying to convince him.
"I don't care for endorphins. All I know is that I will feel stiff with sore muscles the next day. I don't need that kind of pain in my life." Nanon had argued.
"You will only feel sore after the first day but with persistence eventually the pain will be a thing of the past." Ohm had said trying to convince which did the opposite for Nanon.
"I can't khun. I am allergic to exercise and gyms probably." Nanon had said and Ohm had given him a questioning look. The type he would give him when Nanon was bullshitting him.
"Don't give me that look it's true. I get all hot and flushed when I exercise. Sometimes I would even sweat, become out of breath and my heart rate would increase." Nanon had said. Bullshitting Ohm.
"Non, that's a normal body response to exercise." Ohm had replied.
"There's nothing normal about that. I am not going to the gym with you." Nanon had said.
Ohm did manage to get him to exercise by dragging him to play soccer. His co-conspirator being Chimon. He had a lot of fun though since he loved soccer but would've preferred staying at home instead. It was good though because at least now he could hangout with two of the most most important people in his life who were currently very busy with work. He too was busy with work so it was nice to hangout. He would've preferred going to a movie or out for a nice meal but playing soccer was fine he guessed.
When Ohm's movie, Dew premiered he was there to support him and Ohm looked so happy to see him there. The movie was so good, he was impressed with Ohm's acting skills. He was so young but such a gifted actor. Ohm wouldn't always praise him for his acting skills but Nanon feels like Ohm wasn't giving himself enough credit. To be able to transform into a character that was the opposite of him and do it so perfectly and seamlessly was a skill.
With Nanon although he was able to fully immerse himself into whatever character he was playing. It left him with the consequence of the character becoming a part of him, embedded into his soul and it would take time for the character to fully leave him. Sometimes he thinks that the characters don't fully leave him and become a hidden part of who he was.
This became a problem after the filming of my dear loser where he went through one of the darkest depression of his life. He had taken the character with him to the point that it affected his daily living activities. He hardly left the house, suffered from insomnia and extreme low self-esteem and self worth that his mother had to take him see a psychiatrist.
Even after filming the gifted he had taken some of that with him that he could feel himself spiraling again but this time at least he knew how to get himself out of it and not totally lose himself to the character. It would take some time after filming before he could leave the character completely so for Ohm to be able to become the character and be completely back to himself as soon as filming was over was sort of impressive for him.
Their friendship only grew as more time passed and Ohm had told him that the last bl series he had filmed would probably be his last because he wanted to venture out as an actor and explore more genres, maybe a psychological thriller like Nanon or something in the action genre. Nanon himself has never considered doing BL, not that he was opposed to it. It was just something that has never struck him fancy.
So when P'Aof offered him a leading in a new upcoming BL drama that he described as his passion project Nanon was reluctant. P'Aof had told him his co-lead and love interest would be Ohm and he was sold. Because Ohm was a brilliant actor and Nanon wanted to work with him again and because the two of them were already so close building chemistry wouldn't be hard to do. In fact in Nanon's humble opinion they didn't need to build chemistry as he felt they already had it. They just needed to tweak it, refine it a bit to fit more with the characters.
Ohm had later informed him that he would be coming out of his "BL retirement" just for this series. Ohm looked genuinely excited to work with him and the feeling was mutual. It was in the height of the pandemic when they shot the pilot trailer. P'Aof was impressed with what they delivered based off the skeleton of the script they've been provided with.
"Are you sure you want to do this series?" Chimon had asked him.
"Yeah why wouldn't I? The script is great and I get to work with Ohm. It'll be like hanging out while working." Nanon had replied. They were chilling at Chimon's apartment who had recovered from COVID so Nanon hadn't had time to see him in a long time.
"There will be love scenes. You have read the book right?" Chimon had told him.
"I am pretty sure that P'Aof will make the NC scenes as tasteful as possible it's not like it's going to be a porno." Nanon had replied.
"No of course not that's not what I am saying. All I am saying you guys would have to kiss and I am not talking about the cheek kisses or the peck kisses you two give each other either. You will have to convince the audience that you two are in love." Chimon had told him.
"Mon. I don't know if you are forgetting this or not but we are actors, brilliant ones I might add so I don't think that will be a problem. Ohm and I are great friends already so I don't think convincing the audience of our chemistry will be a problem." Nanon had replied.
"It's not about that Non. Look Ohm is our friend what if you get too immensed into the character or struggle to come out of it?" Chimon had asked which was a fair question but Nanon had been working on that and he was fine now, it wouldn't be that hard and even if he gets absorbed by the character the fact that Ohm was his friend made him comfortable enough to know that he will understand.
"I have it Covered Mon. Don't worry about it. Nothing bad is going to happen." Nanon had replied, Chimon had given him a skeptical look but nodded anyway.
Nanon remembered how nervous he was the day of the GMM annual project announcement. This was going to be his first ever BL and he wanted to do a really good job like with all his other projects. He felt sweaty and hot under his suit jacket and damn turtle neck. Why would the stylist put him in a turtle neck in this scorching Thailand heat?
"Don't worry Non. I'll be right by your side the whole time." Ohm had told him with a gentle smile and that did it for him. Ohm was there and Ohm always understood.
The event was a massive success and it seemed like the fans were genuinely excited for the series. Apparently him and Ohm had been a "ghostship" of so many fans out there due to their undeniable chemistry and casual skinship. All that was left to do was to actually film the series and ensure it becomes a major success. Nanon was going to put his all into this project as to not disappoint P'Aof who believed in him, Ohm who was always supportive of him, their fans and lastly himself.
The workshop they did for the first two weeks before the actual filming to build chemistry among the other actors and to go through the script helped Nanon to get more into his character. By the time filming began he felt more like Pran than he did Nanon and for an actor like him who utilizes method acting it was a good thing. A great thing actually. He felt like Ohm too might be more Pat than he was Ohm but then again Pat and Ohm were so similar in terms of character and personality that it might just be Ohm the whole time.
The whole filming of the series was an experience that's how Nanon could describe it. They had a lot of fun and Nanon truly felt like he made new friends such as Mark who was hilarious but also had a mature side to him. As for him and Ohm their chemistry was blazing. They were more comfortable with each other and more touchy than they would be usually.
Like the casual kisses or hugs that just came naturally to them. It was like they were Pat and Pran for most of the time including their usual bickering. Nanon knew that at some point during the whole process he was Pran, the real him was hidden somewhere inside of him. The longing, fondness and love Pran felt for Pat he felt it. He lived it. It was okay though because he told himself that once filming was over he will work on it. He just needed to be Pran a little longer to deliver his best performance.
The filming process although fun was not easy. They encountered rain and favorable weather but they pushed through it. There were some memorable scenes that he remembered such as the fight scene between Pran, Pat and Wai. He remembers how all of them got so immemsed in their characters, their emotions and the scene that they all ended up shedding a few tears.
Another scene was between Pran and his mother. It was the scene where Pran's mother slapped him. Initially the slap was not supposed to be real but he felt like in order to deliver a stellar performance it had to be real. So he had informed P'Aof that he wanted the actress who played Pran's mother to actually slap him. It took a total of five takes and with every take there was a build up of emotions. In the end they both delivered a great performance and ended up crying.
Nanon felt every complex emotion that Pran felt. The isolation, being raised in a way that made him different from other kids and being kept away from the man he loved due to a rivalry that occurred decades ago before his conception. The pressure that Pran felt to hate on Pat and do better than him without even understanding what the whole rivalry was about. It was an emotional scene to say the least and the after effects were even more emotional as all the emotions Pran had harbored poured down on him.
Ohm was there for him though, they were always at each other's shooting even though the other didn't have filming that day or that time they would be there, rooting for each other. Ohm had given him one of those tight bear hugs that enveloped him making him feel small protect although they were both almost the same size.
The scene that got to him though, that broke down every piece of himself that he still had holding on. The scene that scraped away any semblance of sanity to keep him away from totally losing himself to Pran was the roof top kiss. It was the last scene that they had to shoot before the filming was finally over.
He remembers it vividly because it had rained for 5 hours that day and it was already passed midnight. They were exhausted and everyone else just wanted to sleep including himself. It was around 3 almost 4 am when the rain finally stopped and they were able to commence with filming.
This particular scene was difficult for him to shoot not because of the kissing scene itself because they had already filmed tons of kissing scenes and they would kiss casually outside filming as a way to tease each other or just show affection. The difficulty of this scene was the emotions involved. The struggle that Pran felt to either let himself completely go and allow himself to be loved by the boy his parents won't accept. The confusion of knowing that something that you've believed was out of reach was finally accessible to you know.
It might have been the realisation that perhaps it wasn't Pran who had fallen in love with Pat but Nanon who had fallen in love with Ohm. In his head it had become difficult to separate reality from fiction and the fact that Ohm acted the same with him on and off camera did not make that distinguish any easier.
Even the kiss itself was different from all the others they've shared. It was filled with emotions and unsaid confessions whether it was a confession from Pran to Pat or from Nanon to Ohm, he wasn't sure. All Nanon knew was he poured his heart out into that kiss, into that scene to the point that everyone around them became nonexistent. It was just him and Ohm at that moment.
He had broken down and cried after that scene, his heart ached in a way it has never did before and he couldn't even verbalize what it was that he was actually feeling. All he knew was that it was overwhelming, too much for his body to handle. Eventually he was able to get a grip of himself and heard that Ohm too had shed a few tears during that scene.
As Ohm drove him home that morning they didn't talk about the filming like they usually would. In fact they didn't talk much at all they just rode in silence with the music from the radio keeping them company. It wasn't even a tense silence or an awkward silence either. It was a peaceful sort of serene silence. The type where you know everything that needs to be said has been said.
When the series finally aired in late October of 2021 it was well received at episode 3 it had already received a lot of attention but Nanon thinks it was episode 5 that sealed the deal. When he watched that rooftop kiss outside the editing all he saw was himself pouring his heart out to the person he considered to be his best friend at this point.
When they went to Safehouse Pran was still much a part of him and maybe it showed. He couldn't stop Pran from leaking into his real life. All he saw when he looked at Ohm was Pat the man he was in love with and he wasn't even hiding it. He was positive that the others around them saw it too.
And the thing was Ohm still treated him the same, his eyes filled so much fondness and unbridled love that it was difficult for him to not see Pat in him. Pat the man who adored and loved Pran more than anything in this world so how can Nanon possibly let go of Pran. Letting go off Pran meant losing all of this, it meant losing that look in Ohm's eyes everytime he looked at him and he possibly couldn't do that.
Nanon was positive that during the promotions of this series. The little interviews and live events that he was obvious with his feelings for Ohm. Even Ray charles could see it and he knew Ohm could see it too. He couldn't hide it, as embarrassing as it was he couldn't. It was just that Ohm looked at him like he hung the moon and the stars. He looked at him in a way that caused a typhoon of butterflies roaming in his stomach. He looked like a man in love and as delusional as it was he was starting to truly believe that Ohm was in love with him.
"You still haven't letten go of Pran yet have you?" Chimin had asked him one time they were hanging out and he didn't reply as they both knew the answer to that.
"Non. You can't keep going like this. You have to let Pran go or otherwise he will consume your very existence." Chimon had said and he was right. Pran had taken over almost every fiber of his existence and it was only a matter of time he completely consumed him.
"I will. It's just really difficult with the promotions and everything. And Ohm is my friend. I can't possibly ignore him. It will get better once we are cast in different series." Nanon has replied. What he didn't mention though was the fact that he doesn't know if it was still him projecting Pran onto Ohm or if he indeed had fallen in love with Ohm.
The series was a success judging by the amount of awards it was nominated for. The awards that they have won, they even won best couple. The amount of brand deals and sponsorships were also overwhelming. The way things were progressing it was only a matter of time before GMM cast them in another series and where will that leave Nanon? Him being consumed by characters that are in love with Ohm?
In the midst of everything happening Nanon didn't get enough time to rid of himself of the character he had been for almost over a year now. And the thing was he didn't know if he wanted to let it go. Things between them had also taken a new leaf. They have both silently acknowledged their feelings for each other and despite them not labeling their relationship they had crossed the friendship line several times now.
They shared stolen kisses in the changing room, in their apartments and basically everywhere they could. Nanon was smitten with this man and things were great, really great. It was just them two and nothing outside the little bubble they've built themselves existed or mattered. The best part was their families got along great, and sometimes when he was feeling delusional he could see himself spending his entire life with Ohm.
Things don't always work out the way you want, unfortunately, and like all couples, they fight. It had started off that morning, Ohm had been nagging him about taking better care of himself and insisted on canceling the event, but Nanon wanted none of that and insisted they continue. Ohm had been very upset, but Nanon was sick and sleep deprived to make up with a sulking Ohm.
During the event, Ohm had been fussing over Nanon, and Nanon became irritable. He was always irritable and short tempered when he was sick and surviving with less sleep, humanly possible. So he had snapped at Ohm and said some really hurtful things, and it escalated to them having a full-on fight right there in front of the fans, and everything was filmed.
They had eventually solved their issues like all couples do when they fight over something stupid, but unfortunately for them, they weren't just any couple. They were public figures, constantly in the lime light, so the media, their fans and basically everyone and their grandmothers made speculations of what the cause of their fight was.
Nanon decided to keep it low key for a while and Ohm had agreed. Enjoying the time together but Nanon won't lie that some of the comments and posts made by people were hurtful. Ohm was there to reassure him the entire time. And then they had their first fanmeet in Bangkok and it was a huge success, they were all sappy and emotional basically declaring their love for each other in front of thousands of people.
As someone once said the media is and was never anyone's friend. So whenever they were interviewed they would be asked stupid questions like if their declaration of love was real, if they were really friends or are they faking their friendship for the sake of their CP and with every stupid question he could see Ohm's patience running thin.
Ohm was a brilliant actor but Nanon noticed that when it came to him or them specifically Ohm was protective and was not able to hide his irritation at the dumb questions asked concerning their "friendship". So they decided to keep it really low key where they hardly had any public interactions. That also sparked a lot of rumors.
Everything was becoming so overwhelming for Nanon that he felt like he needed a break from everything including Ohm. He needed to find himself, he needed to find Nanon again. The Nanon he had buried when he allowed Pran to completely consume him. He needed to figure out if he loved Ohm, really loved him outside everything. He never doubted that Ohm was his better half, his soulmate but not all soulmates were romantic and maybe him and Ohm were those platonic soulmates and it was never meant for them to be anything more than just really good friends.
He had been avoiding Ohm for a while, he event went to stay with his parents to ensure that Ohm doesn't budge into his apartment and force him to talk. He needed to figure this thing out first. That was until Ohm had cornered him and Nanon had no escape but he wasn't ready so he stubbornly didn't say anything.
"Non. What's happening? Why are you avoiding me?" Ohm had asked him.
"I am not avoiding you. I have been busy. I've already told you I am working on my album and it's difficult for me to focus other things." Nanon had replied.
"So I am other things now?" Ohm had asked .
"That's not what I meant and you know that." Nanon had replied.
"Then what exactly do you mean Non?" Ohm had asked and Nanon had kept quiet because he knew he wouldn't be able to lie to Ohm and he couldn't explain it either because he himself he couldn't understand himself.
"Non. I feel like you are out of reach. I can even see it in the way look at me. It's like there's this hollow space between us. You are barely there anymore. Lately I feel like you've been drifting further away from me." Ohm had said to him with so much hurt in his eyes that it broke Nanon's heart but he couldn't get his tongue to react. Even if he did he doesn't even know what he would say. So he kept quiet.
"Say something Non please." Ohm pleaded with him, "just speak Non. Let all the curtains fall down, go on and say it out loud. I knew this was going to happen but if it does happen just speak. Use your words. I want to hear you say it I would rather you just break my heart then leave me hanging on the edge of what was once." Ohm said, voice trembling like he was keeping himself from crying. His eyes glossy with unscheduled tears. As much as it hurt Nanon didn't say anything. He didn't want to say something he would regret.
"Non. I might be mad in love with you and even hide all the pain that I've been through, but I'm still hurting, holding on to the fear of losing you. Don't let the way I feel about you keep you from being honest with me." Ohm said, more hurt than angry.
"Ohm..." was all Nanon could say. His heart broke at this point but he couldn't speak. Paralyzed by his irrational fears and overthinking.
Ohm laughed, a humorless and sad sort of laughter. "It's fine Non. I get the message. You know what I understand. It's been hard to accept that seasons change and feelings fade away. So I'll just take my heart because it's all I have at this point." He said and walked away, leaving a heart broken Nanon behind.
So Nanon did what he always did when he was going through a difficult time, which was to isolate from the world and everyone in it. He locked himself in his apartment for days surviving on ramen and misery that was until Chimon almost broke his door down and threatened to kill him. Did he allow someone into his apartment. It had been days or maybe weeks since he made contact with anyone. He hadn't really been keeping track of time.
He had explained everything to Chimon, whom to his credit was very sympathetic and told him in the nicest way possible that he was an idiot.
"That's not why I am here, though. I can't get ahold of Ohm after someone blasted him on social media with bullying allegations." Chimon had informed him.
"What? When was this?" Nanon had asked.
"It happened a few days ago." Chimon had replied.
"Do you believe them?" Nanon had asked.
"I don't know, Non. He apologized on Twitter and just disappeared from the face of the earth." Chimon had replied.
"Okay, even if that's true, Mon. You know that's not the type of guy he is right now, okay? How can you even doubt him? He is our friend, and he is one of the most loving people I know." Nanon had said.
"Chill Non. I didn't say I doubt him. I said I didn't know what to think. Besides, aren't you the one who literally broke his heart." Chimon had replied, which was true by technicality but was still a low blow.
"Wow, Mon. Thanks for rubbing salt in an already sore wound." Nanon had replied, and Chimon had sighed.
"I am sorry. I am just worried about him as much as you are. Let's just try to get ahold of him." Chimon had replied.
They couldn't find him. Nanon looked everywhere and even called Ohm's parents but they still couldn't find him. Nanon had fought with their manager, with a lot of people actually because he felt like the company wasn't doing anything to protect Ohm.
"I am sorry Nanon but he posted an apology on Twitter without informing the PR team that's basically him admitting to the accusations. There's nothing I can do at this point." Their manager had informed him. Nanon had stormed off their office before he said something he would regret. He actually like his manager since she had to deal with a lot and he knows it wasn't easy on her either.
When Ohm finally made an appearance it turned out he was with a friend of his, Perth who had apparently been very supportive of him during this time. Nanon knew he had no right to be angry but he couldn't help it. He had been so worried about Ohm especially after all the death threats the latter had received.
"Why are you angry? What are we to each other?" Ohm had asked him and that felt like being pierced through the chest by an arrow or a sharp object. It hurt.
"We- we are friends." Nanon had replied.
"Are we really? Because friends don't do what you did to me Nanon." Ohm had said and never had Nanon thought that his name being uttered by Ohm would hurt as much as it did right now.
"Ohm..." Nanon had said weakly.
"Listen we eventually have to work together until the company decides to officially end our CP. So for now let's try to be civil towards each other." Ohm had replied and Nanon felt the world around him crumbling but he had to keep his dignity in check. He couldn't afford to break down now.
"Okay. I understand." Nanon had replied.
And that's how things were between them from then. Nanon decided to focus more on his music. Him and Ohm had a few fanmeets they had to attend and the promotion of their movie they filmed a while ago. They barely looked at each other, didn't speak to each other unless absolutely necessary.
The most painful part about this whole thing was them having to reprise their roles as Pran and Pat. The roles that were the whole reason they fell in love and it hurt so much. It was an unbearable sort of pain but he pushed through it. It was like the last goodbye to that chapter of his life. The love that came too quick, hot and burned to the ground before it had a chance to properly blossom.
During the few days of filming seeing Ohm as pat again things almost felt like how they used to. A part of him wanted to stop time so they can be stuck there, where Ohm was looking at him with those eyes and with that smile directed at him. Yet he knew that he needed to let go. That smile, that look wasn't directed at him but at Pran. The love on Ohm's face was just the love Pat felt for Pran and it had nothing to do with him.
The LOL concert was the final goodbye. The final stamp to seal the end of their relationship. As time went by he heard rumors about Ohm being in another ship and the rumors were confirmed when Ohm's new series was confirmed at the end of year GMM function. It hurt but not as much as he had expected it to. His concert was announced, and some of his upcoming projects and Nanon genuinely felt like he was going to be okay.
Time went by and Nanon although he still acted he focused more on his music career. As years went by he watched as Ohm achieve a lot of things in his life, build new friendships, buy a house, buy a car and adopt puppies and just be happy. He too was at a point where he was content with his life. He had released an album which won a few awards, he had gone on an Asia Tour so life was pretty good for the both of them.
It had been years since they worked together and it was impressive as to how they managed to navigate their group of friends to make it so that they didn't have to interact with each other. Nanon had tried dating but it didn't work out for him, maybe because he was too career orientated or perhaps it could be that he just hadn't really moved on from that one person he truly loved but he chose not to think about it.
Sometimes he wished his CP had broken up the way Chimon's and Perth's did without any animosity and that he was still able to remain friends with Ohm but what he had learned is that things don't particularly work out the way you wish for. He was fine, well at least he was until Chimon told him something while they were drunk. Something that stuck with him.
"I can't believe after all these years Ohm is still in love with you. You know Perth told me that Ohm once confessed to him that you were his greatest love." Chimon had told him with a drunken hiccup.
"Oh I remember this. It was like a few months ago wasn't it? That's wild. You know nong'Ohm told me that nong'Leng once told him that Ohm won't date anyone because he was still hung up on his ex. I think the ex might have been you." Mark had added, he too drunk as a skunk.
"I think so too. That's something he would tell Leng. You know how close those two are. They're always hanging out together." Chimon had chimed in.
Nanon's drunk mind didn't want to absorb all of that lest he do something stupid so he dismissed them and changed the topic. The next day his sober minded brain had forgotten all about the conversation maybe it was his brain protecting him. However when P'Aof had offered him a role in a movie which was said to be one of the biggest projects in their company's history it all came back crushing down on him.
"What's the catch?" Nanon had asked.
"It's a BL. I know you said you don't want to go into that genre anymore but this role is perfect for you. I don't see anyone playing this role better than you." P'Aof had replied.
"Who is the other main lead?" Nanon had asked because it couldn't hurt to try. It was a really big opportunity for him after all.
"It's Ohm." P'Aof had replied, "look you don't have to agree to anything right now. Just look at the script and you-"
"I'll do it." Nanong had said cutting P'Aof off.
P'Aof was ecstatic telling him all about the project. It was a movie set in the late 1800's when war was prevelant. It was a sad story but the the love between the protagonists was undeniable, the sort of love that was realistic, that was painful but was undeniably beautiful. The ending was sad though, but the story was still so beautiful.
The first day of workshop and script reading Nanon was vibrating out of his body with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. This was going to be the first time in years they've worked together and actually talked. It will be surrounded by many other people but still it was something. The words "He's still in love with you." And "he's still hung up over you." Swarmed through his brain. If Nanon was being honest with himself he wasn't sure what he was hoping for out of this venture but he was hoping for something.
"Nanon"
"Pawat."
Those were the first words they said to each other when they finally saw each other and it felt wrong. Ohm looked so distant, so cold and whatever unknown expectations that Nanon had were crushed at that moment. The script reading went well though despite the tense and awkward atmosphere.
As the workshop continued and they got more in character they became more pleasant around each other without all that tension between them. As filming began and continued Nanon would even dare to say they were almost friends. It wasn't the same as before but they joked around a lot. Mostly to dispel any lingering tension after a very intense scene or romantic scene.
Nanon had gotten better control of his acting over the years and didn't allow himself to be absorbed by the characters he portrayed. However there was this one scene that broke him, it took him each and every cell of his body to continue with the scene and he cried inconsolably afterwards.
"Don't think of me too often. I don't want you getting sad. Just live well. Just live. I'll be walking beside you every step of the way." Aron, Ohm's character had said to Pakorn, Nanon's character on his last breath.
"I want you to know that you were the last dream of my soul Aron." Nanon had said as Pakorn and somehow as he uttered these words he lost it. Tears streamed down his face uncontrollably, he didn't think he could breath at that moment.
He doesn't know what exactly broke him, the movie although was a romantic one it had a lot of sad scenes. Scenes that required them to cry and although the scenes affected him afterwards it wasn't to this extent. Maybe it was knowing that Aron and Pakorn loved each other so much that Aron was willing to give up his freedom and his life for Pakorn.
Or maybe it was knowing that Pakorn would have to continue his existence knowing that the people he called family had been responsible for the death of his soulmate. Or perhaps it was the thought of Pakorn continuing to live without the person who had completed him, the better part of his soul. Or maybe, somewhere in his subconscious was knowing that the one he considered his soulmate was still alive and within reach but this could be them or worse.
He fears that one day he would be on his death bed, taking his last breath without ever having told Ohm that he loved him. That he loved him so much it made him physically sick. That he would be gone from this world and Ohm would be left with the thought that Nanon never loved him, that what they shared together was meaningless to him, because it wasn't. It was the greatest time he had ever spent and he regrets how it ended.
Ohm had later come and found him still trying to get ahold of himself. He had excused himself once P'Aof had said cut. He couldn't be around anyone, he couldn't handle being touched or hugged . He genuinely believed if P'Aof told him that they had to redo the scene he wouldn't be able to.
Ohm didn't say anything when he found him. He just enveloped him in one of those bear hugs that always made him feel safe and protected. He gently caressed his head, swaying slowly back and forth. Nanon broke down all over again but eventually got ahold of himself.
"Are you feeling better now?" Ohm asked softly and Nanon nodded. Not trusting his voice to speak.
"Good." Ohm said softly giving him one last tight squeeze and a kiss on the top of his head, "P'Aof wants to see us for feedback. I'll let him know you'll be out in a minute okay?" Ohm said softly once again.
"Yeah." Nanon nodded.
Fortunately they didn't have to redo the scene and P'Aof was very happy with the final product. He even got teary, actually almost the whole crew was tearing up.
"You did such a great job channeling Pakorn's inner feelings. I could feel his grief through the scene. I knew you wouldn't disappoint me. Both of you did an amazing job." P'Aof told them.
"You did amazing Non. I am proud of you." Ohm said to him and Nanon felt like he was going to tear up all over again from hearing that nickname coming out of Ohm's lips once again. Fortunately he was able to save himself the embarrassment and did not cry.
Now Nanon had wanted to contact Ohm to talk to him. To confess to him but he never said he wasn't a coward. Putting cowardice aside how do you tell someone whose heart you broke that you were in love with them without sounding insane? It had been years already. He didn't even know how he will start with the conversation.
Months passed and Nanon kept postponing and postponing. He was a master of procrastination when it came to matters of the heart. The movie trailer came out and it was a hit. The whole internet blew up just from the trailer alone getting over 5million posts across platforms.
Then 2 weeks later it was the movie premiere and a time where him and Ohm would see each other again. It's not like they haven't seen each other since filming had ended, they've greeted each other in passing when they've seen each other at the company. They've also interacted, if by interacted means liking each other's IG posts and one time Ohm had reposted his new single on IG so that counted. It meant they didn't hate each other. It's not like they ever hated each other to begin with.
Now Nanon has known that Ohm was a very handsome man. Everyone with eyes could see that and over the years his handsome features had refined but on the premiere night he looked absolutely breathtaking, magnetic and Nanon's eyes were drawn to him. He couldn't look away from Ohm even if he wanted.
"You look amazing Non." Ohm said to him with a small smile.
"You don't look too bad yourself khun." Nanon replied, although what he wanted to say was "I love you. Please marry me." Fortunately for him he still had functional brain cells so he didn't embarrass himself.
When they watched the movie, there was a lot of crying. There was not a dry eye in the theater. P'Aof and everyone involved in this movie did an amazing job. The music choice was also spectacular making you really feel the characters emotions.
"Ohm. Can we talk?" Nanon asked after they were done with the press conference and mini fan meet.
"Yeah sure what's up Non?" Ohm asked in response.
"Somewhere private." Nanon replied.
"Sure. Come with me." Ohm said leading them to the parking lot. They got into Ohm's car and Nanon couldn't get his tongue to cooperate with him once again.
"I'll drive you home okay? Just tell me what you want to when you are ready." Ohm said and Nanon nodded.
Once Nanon had built up enough courage he asked Ohm to park the car. They were only a few minutes away from his house so Ohm parked at a nearby park.
"What's up?" Ohm asked looking at him curiously.
"I don't know how to start this but I feel like I will die if I don't tell you this tonight." Nanon said taking a deep breath to steady himself.
"Okay... what is it?" Ohm asked.
"I am in love with you." Nanon confessed and Ohm blinked at him.
"What?" Ohm asked, not really a question something a person would do when they are not believing what they have just heard.
"I am in love with you. And I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed, and that one day all of our labors will be returned to dust. And I know that the sun will swallow the only Earth we will ever have. And I am in love with you." Nanon said feeling more courageous.
"What?" Ohm asked once again.
"I said I am in love with you. I always have been and probably always will be. I am sorry for how things ended between us. I was scared and confused and I wasn't feeling courageous back then but now I am and I am laying my heart in front of you. Letting you know that I love you. I am in love with you Ohm." Nanon replied.
"Non..." was all Ohm said.
"I felt like I needed to tell you. I didn't want to have any regrets and I knew if I didn't tell you this tonight I wouldn't have been able to and would probably regret it for the rest of of my life." Nanon said.
"Nanon Korapat Kirdpan. I love you" Ohm said in response.
"What?" Nanon asked, that was not what he was expecting. He doesn't even know what he was expecting.
"You have had me bewitched body and soul from the first time I met you in person. I love you." Ohm replied.
"You love me?" Nanon asked, which was a stupid question because Ohm had already said it but you can't really blame him now because his brain was short circuiting.
"You are the epitome of what I want and have looked for in a person. I love you Non. Do you hear that khun Korapat? I love you." Ohm said beautiful pink lips stretched into a smell and pearly white teeth on display.
Nanon had launched himself from the passenger seat to Ohm to pull him into a hug. The kiss they shared that night was the type that could be described as fireworks and collision of cosmic universes. It was of years of longing, pining and yearning.
Nanon didn't know what the future had for them, they were still young, sort of they were almost in their 30's but he hoped that everyday from now he gets to hear those 3 words, as simple as they may be. He wants to spend his forever with Ohm.