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“S-Sorry… Don’t look at me… I… I don’t mean to always… Make everything about me…”
{But that’s exactly what you’re doing. Isn’t it? You are making it about you. You’re making them care.}
{Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop cry-}
“I’m sorry. I-” Ralsei chokes on a sob, harshly wiping at the tears gathering in his eyes.
{You’re going to worry them. You can’t worry them. You’re alright. You’re fine. So just stop it. Alright? It’s okay. It’s all okay. Everything is-}
“Everything’s okay, Kris. Look, I…” he whimpers. Looking up at Kris’ vacant stare, Ralsei carefully places a bright, large– fabricated– smile on his face and tells his thousandth lie of the day...
“I’m smiling!”
His mouth trembles with the effort.
{Good. Keep smiling. Just keep smiling. You have to be strong. You have to. For the Prophecy. For the world. For them. Keep smiling.}
{Just. Keep. Smiling.}
***
Ralsei sighs, running a hand across his cheek, freshly cleaned and no longer caked with blood. It’s been some time since he left the Church Dark World. Since he’s returned to his charming Castle Town. Since he’s come home smiling with his brave– his lying– face on. The facade, delicate and poised, even as the Darkners gathered around and swarmed him with questions.
‘Did the Lightners seal the fountain?’
‘Did the Lightners defeat the Knight?’
‘Do we have to fear the Roaring?’
‘Is the Prophecy really true?’
‘How long until we’re free?’
‘How long until we know?’
‘Do you even know?’
‘You do know, don’t you?’
‘Is that… Is that blood on your face?’
Ralsei cringes, pawing at his cheek again. He still feels awful. He still feels guilty. He can erase the bloody red all he wants, but the pain of the mark is still painted across his soul. It’s all his fault. All of it.
From Susie getting hurt. To Susie seeing the Prophecy. To the Soul almost seeing it too. And then there’s Kris… Poor, poor Kris.
Without meaning to, Ralsei whispers a healing prayer. He hopes that, wherever they are, they can feel the ghost of the spell. That he can give them some small bit of comfort. Ralsei sighs.
It’s awful what’s being done to Kris. How they’re being controlled– being caged– by something no one understands. It’s horrible. Ralsei wishes It would just go away. That It would leave Kris and find something else to force to bend to Its will. Something else to puppet.
{And you wish that It would pick you. That maybe, if It did, you would finally have some kind of meaning. A real purpose.}
{You’re so selfish. Look at you, standing here feeling sorry for yourself when they have it worse. They have it so much worse.}
And it’s true. It’s so very true that Raslei has to shut his eyes to fight back the tears. Because, as much as he hates it, Ralsei is selfish. But not just because he wants to be the one to save Kris from their hell at the end of this. But he’s horribly, disgustingly selfish because, well…
Because Ralsei wants Kris, period.
The thought alone makes him choke. It’s selfish. It’s so incredibly selfish.
{It’s so so wrong.}
But Ralsei already knows that. He knows that these feelings– these urges– are not okay. Not for him. He knows that feeling the way he does about Kris makes him awful. That it makes him a monster.
A monster. And not in the lovable way that Susie is a Monster, or the way that Hometown is full of Monsters– the way Ralsei wishes he was, the way he wishes he was created to be– but in the way that the Soul is a monster. The bad way. The dark way.
Because caring for Kris– making them care for him– can only ever end in ruin. It ends in sorrow. Something real cannot possess something that isn’t there. Something fake. Not in a meaningful way, at least. Not in a way that counts.
The moment Light touches a Shadow it disappears. The Dark is always overcome but the purity– the radiance– of the Light. One cannot truly exist in the presence of the other. And Raslei knows that. He does. And yet…
‘ {Just. Keep. Smiling.}
He’s drowning. He’s drowning. Ralsei is drowning. But, look, he’s still smiling. He’s smiling. He’s smiling. He’s smiling for them. It’s all for them. He has to do this. He is doing it. He’s smiling. He’s smiling. He has to. He has to. He has to keep-
Ralsei’s mind goes quiet as a pair of strong, grounding– wonderful, comforting– arms surround him. He barely manages to take in a steadying breath, before the air is frozen in his lungs.
Kris is touching him. They’re holding him. They’re holding him and they’re close. So very close…
Kris tilts their head to place their mouth next to Ralsei's ear. And, in an instant, they shatter his world with an simple airy whisper of, “it’s okay not to smile…”
Ralsei shudders. He takes a shaking breath, and– strangely– he finds himself smiling regardless. ’
He groans at the memory, twisting his hands together to try and lessen the nausea contorting in his stomach. He’s so ashamed. Ralsei’s ashamed because– inexcusably– he wants. He craves. And he hates himself for it, but the fact still remains. He has wants. He wants so many things.
He wants to stop the Knight. He wants to change the Prophecy. He wants the best for all Darkners. He wants the best for his friends. And– as an affront to whatever creature sculpted him and gave him form– Ralsei wants Kris, too. More than anything else. He wants them.
{You’re so selfish.}
Ralsei shivers at the biting gust of air blowing through his empty room’s lone window. He watches as the curtains flutter for a moment, and a tiny smile grows on his face. Ralsei wishes he could be like the curtains, lively and dancing in the wind without a worry or care. They’re free to simply exist. Free to simply be.
{But you’re not free. You do have to care. You were created to care.}
{You must care for the Darkners. Care for the Lightners. Care for the Prophecy. But never, ever, ever, even think of caring for yourself.}
The curtains rustle again. Ralsei closes his eyes, letting the breeze wash over him like a soothing balm. A cleansing salve. A healing prayer.
{No. No. Not for you. You don’t deserve the comfort. You don’t deserve a thing.}
He shuts the window. The wind, the feeling– his feelings– his fears, the questions– the noise– it’s all too loud. It’s all too much. Ralsei hates that it’s too much. That it’s all starting to get to him. He’s supposed to be stronger than this– was made to be stronger than this– but… It’s just too much.
A shiver races down Ralsei’s back and he starts to fiddle with the end of his scarf. He wishes it wasn’t all so hard. He wishes he had faith that he could do this. That he really doesn’t have to smile. That he can be something– someone– he wants to be. But truly, deep down, Ralsei knows he shouldn’t want that. That he can’t want it.
Ralsei has to do this. He has to follow the dark path laid out before him. He has to stay strong. He’s the Prince of the Prophecy and the Prophecy must be obeyed. It’s his purpose. His calling. It’s the reason he’s alive.
{But are you alive? Do you really believe that? Do you believe that you’re something more than Darkness? Really?}
{Do you actually think that you’re made of something? Anything? You think that you could possible be-}
Ralsei jumps, turning toward the sound of the door swinging open– of someone tripping and stumbling inside. A certain specific someone who makes Ralsei's heart flutter in his chest.
“K-Kris?! What are you- What are you doing here?”
Ralsei watches as Kris slowly lifts their head. Their ruby red eyes find Ralsei's blushing rose for a single– glorious– fleeting moment before Kris’ body sways and they collapse to the floor.
“Kris!” Ralsei cries as he rushes to their side. He carefully gathers them in his lap and asks, “Kris are you-”
“Alone,” they mumble, struggling to sit up. “Alone.”
Confusion weighs on Ralsei’s brow. What do they mean by alone? Obviously it’s only them that’s come to his room. Do they mean that they came to the Dark World without Susie?
Ralsei’s eyes glance out the open door before they drift down, and lock onto Kris’ hand. The hand that’s clutching at their chest, at their heart. It’s so insistent, it's almost like they’re trying to get at their…
Oh. Oh no.
“You-” Ralsei starts, his hands beginning to roam Kris’ body in search of injuries, “you don’t have the Soul? Kris that’s… That’s dangerous! What were you thinking?”
Separating from the Soul is painful. Kris explained as much in one of the few moments Ralsei could find to send the Soul away. To get It to turn Its attention to Susie instead of Its reluctant vessel. The fleeting distraction is a small kindness Ralsei is more than happy to give them.
Honestly, Ralsei wishes he could do it more. To give Kris a longer reprieve from the thing inside them. To give them both a chance to actually see and talk to one another. To give Kris a chance to breathe and to be themself. But, regretfully, they need the Soul. They both do.
Ralsei needs It for the Prophecy and Kris… Kris needs It in ways that not even Ralsei fully comprehends. Which is all the more reason why them sitting here without It is terribly frightening.
“Needed… To talk,” Kris groans, pushing themself up to sit across from the boy. “Alone.”
Ralsei’s face pinches in concern. What could they possibly need to say to him that couldn’t be said in front of the Soul? Nothing could be worth the trouble– the pain– of leaving the thing behind to talk to him. So why?
But Kris doesn’t explain. They only sit there, staring at him conflicted like they’re struggling to find the exact words themself. Slowly, Kris begins to lose focus, drifting off somewhere Ralsei can’t see. Their eyes glass over and Ralsei’s heart breaks. They must be in more pain then they’re letting on.
“Kris,” Ralsei prompts, laying a delicate hand on their cheek to bring them back from their trance.
Kris’ eyes dart to Ralsei. Burning scarlet meets warm rose and Ralsei has to fight back a tremble. Kris is beautiful. So very beautiful. They’re a Light in the Darkness. A smoldering flame of passionate inferno.
And Ralsei wants nothing more than to be burned.
{There you go again. Wanting. You’re sick.}
A fond smile makes its way to Ralsei’s face despite himself as Kris leans into his touch. It takes everything in him to not run his fingers across their face. To not press and feel each and every inch of the smooth skin warming his hand. Ralsei wishes he had the ability, the permission– the right– to touch them like that. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t. He never will.
He’s barely getting away with this much. But this, what he’s doing now, is just comfort. Comfort for Kris and Kris alone. Simply a way to ground them and to get them to explain what’s going on. Because Ralsei needs to know what’s going on if he’s going to try and fix it. But Kris still isn’t speaking. So maybe…
Slowly, and solely for Kris’ benefit, he swears, Ralsei’s fingers trace a delicate soothing pattern across the Human’s cheek. Kris’ eyes widen and– delightfully– stay locked with his. Ralsei’s smile softens.
“Kris, please,” he whispers. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Ralsei fights back a shiver as Kris reaches up and places a careful hand over his. They press his hand flat to their cheek before running their fingers across the top of his. It’s gentle. It’s soft. It’s… Nice.
It’s almost like they’re doing this because they want to try and return the favor and soothe him, too. Like Kris is itching to touch– to feel– Ralsei just as much as he wants to feel them. His smile falters.
But that’s just him projecting.
Ralsei waits with bated breath as Kris nods their head then uses their unoccupied hand to, once again, clutch at their chest– at their heart– and whisper, “you… You hurt me.”
What?
What…?
Ralsei pulls away like he’s been burned, confusion and fear clear on his face. Hurt them? He hurt them? He hurt them?
He glances at his offending hand before slamming it down to his lap. Hard. He cringes when Kris startles at his reaction, their hand still frozen by the cheek that Ralsei, somehow, found a way to hurt. To hurt…?
{You hurt them. You hurt them. You monster. You hurt them. You hurt them. You hurt-}
“W-What, I… Kris, how-” Ralsei shakes his head, desperately searching for the damage he’s done. “How did I hurt you?”
Ralsei’s heart clenches at the confusion on Kris’ face. He fights against his rising panic as dejection seeps onto their face and they slowly lower their still hovering hand to rest in their lap.
“Saw me,” Kris says, like it's obvious. Like the hurt Ralsei caused was clear and on full display. Like he’d meant to do it on purpose.
But he hasn’t. He swears. He’d never think of hurting Kris. He’d rather die than hurt them. So what has he done? How has he hurt them?
Kris presses their mouth in a line, clearly upset at the overwhelming loss streaked across Ralsei’s face. After a moment, they take a breath and clarify, “piano… Saw me.”
The… The piano?
‘You were cool when you played the piano earlier…’
A furious blush rushes to Ralsei’s cheeks. He opens and closes his mouth, looking for the words to explain himself– to apologize– but he finds none. Embarrassed, Ralsei hides his face in his trembling hands.
Of course they want to talk to him about that. About his moment of weakness. A moment that, while he will never regret that it happened, he does wish that he’d had the strength to keep his dangerous feelings separate from his safe ones. That he hadn’t overindulged himself and let the amount of awe and longing– and devotion– slip into what was supposed to be a simple reassurance to a friend.
A friend that is, decidedly, off limits. A friend that deserves the world. A friend who deserves way better. So much better.
{Of course they do. Why would they want to be with someone who hurts them?}
That’s right. Ralsei’s hurt them. Entirely by accident, his well meaning words have brought them harm. He’s hurt them. And, in turn, they hurt themself to come here and tell him about it. Because it must be that bad. Because he’s hurt them that much.
{You’re disgusting.}
“O-Oh… I…” Ralsei sighs, biting at his lip, “I… I didn’t mean for that to hurt you, Kris, I-”
Ralsei jumps as Kris shakes their head, their eyes wide and distressed. They take hold of Ralsei’s hands in a panic, and stare deep in his eyes.
Ralsei stares back, trying to make sense of this sudden shift in the Human. To try and make sense of why they’re still reaching out and holding on to him when he’s, obviously, causing them so much pain. He looks at Kris, at the desperate implore on their face.
“O-Oh, you… I-I didn’t hurt you,” Ralsei starts, the pieces coming together in his head. “Um, not… Not with what I said?”
Kris nods, giving him a small relieved smile. But Ralsei can’t bring himself to enjoy that tiny bit of light. Not when he still doesn’t fully get it. Not when he still can’t figure out what he did wrong.
“But I still did something to you,” Ralsei whispers, turning away from Kris in shame. “Right?”
Ralsei spares a glance at Kris and, immediately, has to force back tears. They’re already looking at him. Miserable. Searching. They’re looking at him like they’re begging to be understood. To be seen.
And Ralsei does see them. He’s always seen them. Even at the beginning when they were hidden so deep within the Soul’s control. He saw Kris' flickering flame. Their indomitable spirit. No matter how much the Soul meddles and controls, there’s always something so wonderfully Kris that Ralsei can’t help but notice. That he can’t help but be drawn to.
Even now, when he wishes that he doesn’t, when it would be so much easier to turn away and find solace in the shadows. Even when he knows that he shouldn’t– that he’s not allowed to– he sees them. The only thing Ralsei can’t seem to see is the answer. He can’t see where he’s hurt them.
And it’s driving him insane.
It only gets worse when Kris lets out a shaky breath and presses their lips in a thin line. As if hurting them isn’t enough, now he’s gone and disappointed them, too. He’s ruining everything. Just like he always does. Like he knew he would.
{You’re a mistake. You hurt them. You’re a failure. You hurt them. You monster. You-}
Ralsei’s spiralling attention is caught by Kris reaching out and squeezing their hands around his.
Kris’ hands are strong. They’re sure. They’re wrapped around him in a way that’s almost as determined as the look on their face. Their face that’s slowly inching closer and closer to his.
“Saw me… Alone,” they drawl. “Hurt me.”
Ralsei’s heart flutters, a deep blush rising to his face, as Kris keeps moving closer to him. Closer to his face. To his lips.
Less than a breath away, Kris reaches out and takes hold of Ralsei's face, tilting it ever so gently to the side. His mind barely has time to catch up and acknowledge the closeness before he’s thrown again when he notices the pure reverence and awe seeping onto Kris’ face.
They’ve never looked at him like this before. They’ve never been this close before. They’re touching. They’re sharing each other’s space– sharing each other’s breath. It’s making Ralsei’s head spin.
“Ralsei…” Kris breathes, “hurts… Bad.”
There it is again. The hurt. The pain. Ralsei’s hurt them. He hates that he hurt them. Kris should hate it, too. So why are they still here? Why are they pulling him closer?
And why can’t he bring himself to pull away?
“Kris I-” Ralsei starts, sparing a glance at Kris’ lips before darting his eyes away. “I don’t understand. Why do you- I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ralsei gasps as Kris’ fingers tighten on his face, not harsh, but desperate. His eyes widen as he stares into their burning, begging red. Kris pulls him in, their lips brushing his as they breathe out a single, solitary plea…
“Please.”
In an instant, Ralsei is undone. His mind, his lungs, his heart have come to a full stop. He’s frozen. He’s dreaming. He must be. That’s the only way to explain why Kris is sitting here, their hand on his face…
And their lips pressing hard against his.
Kris sighs and pulls him in closer. It’s like they can’t bear the little distance between their bodies. Like Ralsei’s something precious to them. Almost like they maybe, potentially– hopefully– have some kind of feelings for him, too..
Can they feel things for him? Earnestly? Can a person care for an object in a way that has meaning? A way that’s equal for the both of them? Ralsei doesn’t know. And it’s especially hard to think when Kris pulls him closer still, humming into the kiss and banishing all rational thought from Ralsei’s head. The only thing Raslei's floating mind cares to think of right now is Kris.
Slowly, Raslei starts to give in. To let himself enjoy the moment and explore Kris the same way they’re exploring him. And it’s so nice. It’s wonderful. It’s everything Ralsei’s ever hoped for. Everything he’s wanted. And more. It’s everything. Everything that-
{You don’t deserve. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve them. You know you don’t.}
Raslei squeezes his shut eyes tighter, desperately trying to ignore the thought. He focuses on Kris. On how they’re starting to smile into the kiss. About how wonderful this is. About how happy this is making him– them. Both of them.
{Happy? Happy? Have you forgotten what you are? What you’re going to have to do?}
{You’re going to hurt them. You know you are. You have to stop. Stop this before it goes too far.}
{Or do you want them to be in pain? Do you want them to suffer? You’re selfish. You’re cruel. You’re just like It.}
{No... You're worse.}
Ralsei shivers, his tender feelings turning sour as he’s confronted with the truth. As he remembers his place. He can’t do this to them. He won’t. Ralsei refuses to hurt them. They’re already being hurt enough. So Ralsei resigns himself to nip this in the bud and to put the hurt entirely on his heart instead.
Trembling, Ralsei places his hands on Kris’ shoulders and gently pushes them away. It takes immense amounts of self control to not fall right back into them. Especially when Kris leans their forehead against his and gives him a smile that’s so pleased. So soft.
It’s too much. It’s everything Ralsei wants, which means it’s exactly the thing he can’t have. He can’t believe he let himself get this far. That he took advantage of them. He’s horrible. He’s a monster.
He doesn’t want to be a monster.
“K-Kris… Kris, I…” Ralsei starts, his eyes shining with tears, “I-I don’t… I can’t…”
Kris pulls away shocked, but still achingly gentle, as they keep a single, steady hand on Ralsei’s cheek. It’s tearing him up inside. He doesn’t want this to end. He doesn’t want to give them up. He doesn’t want to go back to the Dark.
{But it’s not about what you want. You’re not allowed to want.}
Ralsei leans into Kris’ touch. He knows shouldn’t, but he can’t help himself. He wants them so bad. He’s disgusting. He’s weak. He’s so weak. He doesn’t know how he’s going to do this.
How do you find the strength to push away the very thing that’s breathing air in your lungs? The thing that’s giving you meaning– a purpose. The only person that makes you feel like something at all.
And that’s part of the problem isn’t it? Kris makes him feel like something. Like he could actually be someone. But Ralsei is nothing. He’s darkness. He’s an object. He’s not a person. No matter how much Kris insists that he can be.
No matter how much Ralsei wishes that he was.
“Ralsei…” Kris prompts softly, their eyes concerned, “you… Okay…?”
He hates himself.
{Tell them yes. Say you’re okay. You are okay. You have to be.}
But he’s not. Raslei’s not okay. Nothing is okay. His heart and his head are fighting a battle to the death. He can’t think. He doesn’t know what to do. Without meaning to, like a moth to a flame, Ralsei leans into Kris– into salvation. Into the only peace he’s ever known. Into-
{STOP.}
Ralsei jerks back, wrapping his arms around himself tight. He’s done it again. He’s pathetic. He almost reached out and took what he wanted. What he’s not allowed to have. Again. He takes a shaky breath, trying to slow his breathing. He has to stop.
“Kris we… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-” Ralsei mumbles, tugging his scarf tighter around himself, “we just… We can’t. I can’t.”
The dejection on Kris’ face is almost enough to shatter Raslei entirely. He’s done this to them. He brought this sadness– this pain– onto them. He’s hurting them. He can’t stop hurting them. He’s a monster. He’s just like-
“It…?” Kris asks, their voice thick with tension.
Ralsei’s stunned at the betrayal on their face for a single second, before the implication processes in his mind. Ralsei's eyes widen and he balks.
Kris thinks he cares about the Soul? That he could possibly care more about It than them? He would laugh if it wasn’t so disgusting. If it wasn’t what Kris– revoltingly– seems to believe is the reason for him pushing them away.
“No! No, that’s not… That’s not what I meant,” he cries, turning to Kris and shaking his head with great force.
A blush heats Ralsei’s cheeks as he sits and stares at what he’s done. Without meaning to, his hand has reached out and loving intertwined itself with Kris’. He’s touching them. He’s touching them and neither of them is pulling away. It’s soft, and warm, and it feels so right.
{Doesn’t matter. You still know it’s wrong.}
Ralsei shrinks in on himself. Both from the truth and from Kris’ puzzled expression. And Raslei really can’t blame them for being confused. He hasn’t made this easy for them. He can’t seem to make it easy for himself either.
Gently, he tries to pull his hand back, but is thwarted by Kris’ persistent, secure grasp. Of course they won’t let him off that easily. They know that letting him go only means that he’ll try and run from the truth. Again.
But Ralsei doesn’t want them to know the truth. He doesn't want Kris to know how pathetic he really is. He’s a useless Hero. A horrible Prince. A blight on the Darkners. He’s a mistake. A worthless thing. And all because of the simple fact that he loves them.
Because he’s selfish enough to want.
“I-It’s me, Kris… All me, I just…” Ralsei looks away, taking a breath before almost forcing out the words, “I don’t deserve it… I don’t deserve you.”
His eyes fill with tears. He can’t bring himself to look at Kris. He can’t take the sadness– the pity– that he just knows he’ll see there. But, more than anything, he doesn't want to see the agreement. He can’t bear to look Kris in the eye as they realize that loving him is inherently wrong.
His heart can’t take it.
“I-I’m a Darkner, Kris, I… I’m not supposed to feel like this,” he laughs wetly, “I’m not supposed to… To feel at all. And I- I know that you said that it was okay for me– for Darkners– to feel this way, but… But I can’t.”
{Of course you can’t. You’re nothing. And nothing cannot feel. Even if you think you can. Even-}
“Even though I… I want to. I really want to but… But I know that I shouldn’t. It just… It wouldn’t be fair to you and I cant-” Ralsei hiccups, twisting his shaking hands together. “I can never be what you need Kris, and… And with the Prophecy, I…”
{Don’t blame the Prophecy. This is all on you. This is all your fault. You’ve hurt them. You’re a monster. You will never stop hurting them. How selfish can you be?}
{End this now. Before you ruin them even more. You heartless object. You selfish thing.}
{Don’t you dare snuff their Light, you insignificant Shadow.}
Ralsei sobs, pressing a hand to his mouth, “I’m only going to hurt you, and… I-I just… I don’t want to hurt you, Kris, I… I really don’t want to hurt you…”
Ralsei can barely make Kris out through his falling tears. They’re looking away from him, contemplation clear on their face. Ralsei presses his hand harder to his mouth, forcing back a whimper. He has to stop this. Him crying does nothing but hurt Kris.
He’s always hurting Kris.
Ralsei squeezes his eyes shut, missing the small doting smile that’s made its way on to Kris’ face. The face full of adoration that can’t seem to look away from him.
Kris reaches out, taking hold of one of Ralsei’s hands before brushing tears from his eyes with the other. “Ralsei,” they start, “hurt… Good.”
Ralsei laughs despite himself. “Kris… Me hurting you is not a good thing.”
“Good,” they insist, nodding their head. “Heart… Hurt.” They squeeze Ralsei’s hand before bringing the joined palms to their chest and whispering the words, “love, Ralsei… Love.”
Oh.
Oh…
The blush that paints itself across Ralsei’s face is almost as red as Kris’ eyes. The eyes that can’t seem to help but stare lovingly at the flustered boy as he tries to shy away from the attention. Ralsei’s always loved their eyes. So open and expressive. So beautiful.
And looking in Kris’ eyes, Ralsei can almost hear their thoughts. The thoughts that, right now, are all but screaming Ralsei’s praise. He hides his face in his unoccupied hand, trying to keep his wits about him as Kris’ smoldering eyes seem to try and burn down the walls around his heart.
Ralsei sniffs and shakes his head, “K-Kris, you… You don’t… You can’t mean that.”
“Do,” they swear, reaching out and taking hold of Ralsei’s face. Slowly, they pull him in, again, as they smile and breathe out a promise:
“Love you. Ralsei… Love.”
Love. It’s so simple. It’s so easy. But is it too easy? Can Ralsei really accept their love? Can he believe that it’s true? Better yet, can he actually let himself accept something that he’s wanted for so long. Is he allowed to want it? If it’s being freely given then…
Maybe. Just maybe…
Maybe there is a way for them. If Susie believes that they can change the Prophecy and Kris believes that it’s okay for Darkners to feel then… Then maybe Ralsei can believe there’s a hope for them after all.
Ralsei lets the thought sit with him. The thought of him and Kris together. It would be wonderful. A shining Light in the deepest Dark. It would be reverent. And,yes, it would be a challenge. But still... It would be worth it.
{If only it could happen.}
But as Ralsei sits here, his and Kris’ eyes locked in a loving dance, he– shockingly– believes that it can. He throws caution to the wind, ignoring everything he’s been taught. Every vile “truth” that’s been beaten into him. Ralsei steadies his heart and, for the first time… He lets himself hope. He lets himself feel.
Because here is Kris, letting him touch them– feel them– and be touched in return. Kris is looking at him like he’s beautiful. The way that light kisses stained-glass and paints the world in color. Like he’s something sacred and meant to be cherished.
Kris is looking at Ralsei the way he looks at them. And Ralsei knows that he’s in love with them. That he always has been. So the love shining in Kris’ eyes must be real. It’s real. And it’s all for him.
Ralsei throws himself forward, wraps his arms tight around Kris’ shoulders, and pulls them into a desperate, aching kiss. He smiles as Kris pulls him closer and gives back just as good as they’re getting.
It’s too much in the best way and still it’s not enough. They push and pull, trying to map every inch of the other like it’s the last time. And Ralsei will sooner destroy the darkness giving him form than let this be his first and final act of self-interest.
His only act of love.
Because it is love. A love for Kris, yes, but also– surprisingly– a love for himself. It’s new and it’s exciting, and it’s down right terrifying, but it’s all his own. It’s selfish. It’s desire. It’s human.
It’s warm and bright and it’s burning like a lit match. And if, by some odd chance, this selfish– selfless– act manages to make everything go up in flames… Ralsei hopes that the fire will be kind enough to light the way back home. To light the way back to them.
“Kris…” Ralsei hums, easing up for a single moment to breathe, before diving right back in.
Ralsei lets out a shaky laugh when Kris dodges and playfully nudges their noses together. He huffs, playing with the ends of Kris’ hair as the corner of their mouth starts to turn up in an impish smirk.
“Kris… S-Stop it,” Ralsei whines, leaning in to try and kiss them again. He laughs as Kris dodges for a second time and kisses the corner of his mouth instead. “Kris… You’re teasing me.”
They nod, pressing a placating kiss to the other side of Ralsei’s mouth. Ralsei watches as Kris’ mischievous smile softens to something fond. Something unrestrained and warm. He lets out a small, shaky laugh, more than a little relieved. This can work. He knows it can. They just have to keep loving each other. Choosing each other. They can make it. He’s sure of it.
“Cute,” Kris purrs, drawing Ralsei closer to them. They run a thumb across his lips. “Lovely.”
“Ah! K-Kris you… You can’t just say that,” he giggles, a flustered smile breaking across his face. “Y-You’re such a… Why would you say that?”
Ralsei can only watch as Kris wets their lips and leans in, little more than an inch away from him.
“Hurts,” they breathe, their grinning mouth brushing his. “Love you… Love.”
“I-I… Kris…” Ralsei mumbles, tightening his hold on their face and bringing them into another tender, loving kiss.
{You’re selfish.}
And maybe he is. But a moment of selfishness cannot be so bad when you were born to give. Ralsei is tired of giving. He’s given enough. More than enough. Now is the time for him to take. For him to free himself and let himself want. And Ralsei knows what he wants, what he needs. And it’s sitting right here. It’s love. It’s Kris.
Slowly, he breaks them apart, only far enough– and just for a moment— so their eyes can meet. Just far enough away for Ralsei to see the truth– the love– coming off Kris in waves.
“Kris,” he whispers, brushing their lips together.
They smile. A sacred design that pulses at his core. Beautiful and warm, like a beam of light shining through the window of his soul. Ralsei loves them. More than anything, he loves them. And, astonishingly…
He is not ashamed that he does.
“Kris…” Ralsei sighs, ardent and full of awe. Full of want. Full of acceptance...
“I love you too.”