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Nicky Hemmick was used to being one of the "normal" foxes. Or as normal as you could get on a team made of delinquents and the traumatized. It was him, Dan and Matt, doing their best — with the help of Renee — to keep the rest of their crazy teammates grounded in reality.
From Nicky trying to keep Andrew calm enough not to shank someone and trying to get Aaron to socialize with anyone but the Monsters and Katelyn. To the three of them trying to explain to Neil and Kevin what experiences were normal and which were byproducts of horrible childhoods completely isolated from normal society.
All this to say, among the Foxes there was no room for Nicky's issues. Aaron and Andrew had never even considered that he might be as damaged as them, just in different ways, and the others couldn't see past the twins issues to see Nicky clearly, beyond his role as their guardian.
And for the most part, that served Nicky just fine. He preferred not having people prying into his past and trying to fix him. The idea made his skin crawl. So Nicky let his teammates look right through him and dealt with his bad days himself, ignoring and hiding the tremors that sometimes still popped up, and repressing any memory of dark rooms, pain or phantom touches that would crop op.
Nicky could have continued like this for the rest of his life. But it figured the world could never be that nice to a Fox.
It was a new Exy season and, given the Foxes' unprecedented win last year, the media was all over them trying to get as much content out of the team as possible. That meant that, even though normally only two team members did interviews after a game, Wymack had decided to get this over with sooner rather than later, and let the more responsible members keep the troublemakers — Neil — in check. So all of the original nine foxes were out in the media room fielding questions.
Kevin was, of course, the center of attention, ringed by more than a few prominent news stations. Neil was a close second in attention, guarded by both Andrew and Dan, only one of them really doing anything to keep his big mouth in check.
Nicky was finishing up an interview with a journalist from a Columbia news paper when he spotted the new comers. A group of three young ladies, dressed more casually than the people pressing microphones into the Foxes' faces for questions, and thus standing out in a sea of business casual and neon orange. They were scanning the line up of Foxes, looking for someone in particular.
Nicky furrowed his brows. Something about them niggled at the back of his mind. He thought he knew them from somewhere. He couldn't pinpoint where.
Wymack had noticed them too.
"Ladies," Nicky heard him greet. "I'm sorry but this area is for the team and press only."
"Oh, we are press, kind of," one of them, a red head with blond tips, said. "Our camera crew is outside, we didn't want to crowd in."
"I see," Wymack seemed thrown off guard. A rare sight to see from the man who put up with the team's nonsense with no reaction beyond a look of exhaustion.
"We were hoping to interview a specific player of yours for a documentary we're making." Another woman, with shoulder length, curly black hair, chimed in.
Immediately, Wymack's walls raised, and Nicky felt his own hackles rise, glancing over at the other Monsters, who'd congregated together and were also watching the exchange. They were the only members of the team that would be interesting enough to warrant a documentary, and none of them being asked for boded well. Except, maybe, Kevin.
"I'm sorry," Wymack said with a forced smile, "But neither Minyard twin nor Neil Josten are available for a private interview."
"Oh, we're not looking for them!" The red head denied. Her eyes scanned the Foxes again and then lit up when they landed on him. Nicky's stomach sank. "We're actually here for Nicky Hemmick!"
Wymack blinked and then turned to look over his shoulder at Nicky, raising an eyebrow. Nicky also felt the opressive force of his counsins' eyes. Despite his stomach twisting, Nicky offered his coach a nonshalant shrug. "I'd be fine seeing what they want at least, once everyone else has cleared out."
The red head offered him a bright smile. "Thank you so much!"
Nicky offered her a smile that felt more like a grimace.
It was another half hour before the rest of the media cleared out and left the Foxes alone, aside from the three girls and their camera crew who came in once the last news crew had moved on.
"So," Andrew begins, sidling up to Nicky. "What is this about?"
Nicky shrugs. "No idea," he lies, and knows Andrew can see right through him by the gaze that pierces through him.
"Nicky, you know I don't like liars."
He's saved from having to answer by the women approaching him.
The red head who's been doing most of the talking is the one that steps forward, offering him a smile and a hand to shake.
"Hi, Nicky Hemmick." She greets, somewhat awkwardly. "Uhm, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Lena Hawkins. We… er…" She trails off, seemingly unsure how to finish.
"We went to camp together." The third girl, a blonde, finished when Lena didn't continue. "I'm Veronica, call me Roni."
Nicky grimaced. "Oh. It's… nice to see you, I guess. What can I do for you?"
"Maddie," the girl with black hair introduced herself, before continuing, "We're making a documentary about the camp, and we've been trying to track down old campers to interview. You're a pretty public figure, so we knew about you before we started making it."
Nicky could feel the eyes of his teammates watching him. He never talked about camp, to anyone, beyond the basics of having come out and being sent away. They all assumed that was it.
"And you want to interview me."
Lena nodded. "If you're comfortable with it. We… we want to bring to light everything they did, everything that happened. We're hoping to take it to court one of these days, but we need a case."
Nicky sighed, looking up at the ceiling as he thought. He'd spent the past six years of his life running from his memories of camp, and he'd love to keep running from it. Pull a Neil Josten and just avoid and repress until he died. Except… even Neil had stopped running, eventually.
Nicky had never talked about camp, not with anyone. Not even Erik. Maybe… it would be easier, to start with people who knew, people who got it.
Now that he had names and a place, he thought he remembered Lena from camp. The girls and boys hadn't been allowed to interact with each other very often, but they shared meals, and Nicky and others like him were given more "lenience" if they wanted to talk with a girl. It was seen as improvement.
"I… sure. Yeah, you can interview me."
Lena smiled brightly. "Great! Would you have time now?"
Nicky nodded, wanting this over sooner rather than later.
"Your team doesn't have to be here for this," Roni added, glancing over at where the other foxes were watching them — even Andrew had moved away from Nicky to join the others.
Dan, Matt and Renee would be fine leaving Nicky to do this in private and would drag Allison away with them, he knew. But he also knew that Coach wouldn't leave him alone with strangers and his cousins would not be budging if he was opening up about things they didn't know. Andrew especially.
And if Andrew was staying, so was Neil. And if both of them were staying, so was Kevin. What was the difference between showing his scars to these girls, their crew and his family or showing them to these girls, their crew and his foxes?
They'd find out anyway when they undoubtedly found and watched the documentary.
"They can stay."
"If you're sure," Roni accepted.
"Let's get started then," Maddie declared, clapping her hands together.
They'd decided to move out of the media room and into the Foxes lounge, since the girls had expressed this might not be a short exchange and Abby, coming in to see what was keeping everyone, suggested it might make Nicky more comfortable talking.
Nicky was seated in a chair pulled from Wymack's office, the girls were sat across from him on the coach, and the team was scattered around the room, out of camera frame.
Maddie gave a brief introduction of Nicky to the camera, and then the interview began.
"So," Maddie started, "You went to camp with us, right Nicky?"
"Yeah," Nicky nodded. "I… don't remember you all too well. I recognize Lena from lunch and what recesses they let me have. You two, I only have vague impressions of, sorry."
Roni smiled. "It's fine. We're all a lot different from how we were there, I think."
"It's the constant supply of good food that aren't given like we're rationing in the apocalypse," Maddie joked.
Nicky huffed a weak laugh. "Yeah, I remember that. I lost around… 50 pounds in the first six months I was there." He remembered the aching pangs of hunger that were near constant.
"How long were you there?" Maddie asked.
"A little over two years. I got taken right before seventh grade graduation and I came home the summer after what would have been my first year of high school."
"I guess it was that long," Aaron mused. Probably meaning to keep it to himself, but failing.
Roni turned to him. "You're his cousin, right? One of the Minyards?"
Aaron shifted uneasily, nodding.
"Maybe we could interview you after," Lena suggested. "Get an opinion from a family member on what things were like from the outside."
"No thanks," Andrew answered for him.
"We weren't close at the time," Nicky added, trying to draw the attention away from his cousins. "Andrew wasn't around yet, and Aaron was too young for me to be close with anymore. I only connected with them when I took them in. They don't have anything to add about this stuff."
Lena hummed. "Alright."
"So, you were gone two years." Roni got them back on track. "Do you remember what it was like when they took you?"
Nicky's breath whooshed out of him in a heavy sigh. "I… yeah. I'd been grounded for, like, a month at that point. My parents… I'd told them I was gay and they didn't react well." His father's shouts and the slam of shattering glass echoed in his head. His mom's sobbing and prayers for God to guide him. "I was basically stuck in my room, and then one day in the middle of the night… my bedroom door just slammed open and there were these men."
Andrew stilled out of frame.
"I think I tried to fight them," Nicky continued, not looking at his team. "But they were older and bigger. Got hauled into a truck and dropped off at camp."
"You didn't see your parents?" Lena asked softly.
"No," Nicky whispered. The first time he'd seen his parents afterward had been a year into his stay, when they'd visited for family weekend. His brows furrowed. "Why? Was that… an option?"
Maddie shifted, shrugging. "Technically. According to the paperwork we've found in the old office, parents are given the opportunity to speak with their child one last time before they leave, but I think most have given up by that point and opt out."
"My dad said goodbye," Lena offered. "Sometimes… I don't know if that makes it better or worse."
"I get the feeling," Nicky replied. "Sometimes I wonder if them seeing it would have changed anything or if it would have been the same."
There was a quiet moment of contemplation and then his eyes furrowed. "Wait, did you say you've seen the paperwork?"
Roni nodded. "Our old camp shut down, and they just… left everything. Copies of all the paper work our parents signed, 'patient' files… everything. It's like a friggin ghost town man."
Nicky's heart dropped. "Patient files?"
"Yeah," Maddie confirmed. "I've been keeping track of them all. Actually, I brought yours… if you want to have it. Or I can keep hanging on to it until or if you feel ready."
"We'll take it," Andrew declared before Nicky could politely decline the offer. His hard glare kept Nicky from protesting. Fine, whatever. As long as he never had to see it.
Maddie nodded in acknowledgement when Nicky didn't veto his cousin. "Alright."
"What was it like on your side of things?" Lena asked him. "We obviously were all on the girls side, but for the boys I imagine things were different?"
Nicky hesitated. "I… I wouldn't really say I was on the boys side of things, either."
Lena tilted her head, confused. "Explain."
Nicky sighed. His hand shook. He tried to pretend it was just because he really wanted his phone, to be able to talk to Erik.
"I wouldn't say there were just two sides of camp." Nicky explained. "It was more like there were three." He paused. "I'm sorry if this is rude, but… why were you sent to camp?"
"Drugs," Roni offered first. "I wasn't, like, in a gang or anything, but I did get in with the wrong crowd. My parents thought camp would set me straight."
"I was just a normal teenager," Maddie shrugged. "I partied and stayed out late. My parents weren't fans, I guess."
"Same," Lena motioned between her and Maddie.
"Okay… and have you talked to anyone else who went there and was gay?"
The girls shook their heads no.
Nicky paused for a moment, wondering if he really wanted to share what he was about to. The thought of opening up made him want to curl up in a corner and die, but… he thought of some of the other kids from camp that he knew. The girls who had done things to him and who he'd done things to. They deserved justice, even if Nicky still felt like he didn't on his worst days.
"My parents chose that camp for a very specific reason," Nicky spoke slowly. "They had a gay son who they wanted to fix, and the camp offered conversion therapy."
No one said anything. the team knew in theory that it had been conversion therapy Nicky went to, he'd told them. But he'd told them with a bright smile and a dismissive wave, and so they hadn't thought much about it afterwards. Hadn't thought about what that actually meant.
"You said you have everyone's files, right?" Nicky asked, and when Roni nodded said, "I assume they have some sort of documentation of disciplinary actions."
"Yes," Maddie nervously agreed. "They wrote it in acronyms though, we haven't decoded it all."
Nicky nodded. "I can decode two you probably haven't figured out then." He swallowed bile. "If I see what they wrote."
Maddie dug around in her bag and then pulled out a manila folder with a picture of young Nicky Hemmick stuck to it with a paper clip. She flipped it open and two a list labeled Disciplinary Action Taken. "Here."
Nicky took the offered page and looked down at it.
"We've figured out the 'DA' at the beginning of each row just stands for Disciplinary Action, but not everything after. S is spanking; I is isolation; FW is food withheld. We're working on the rest."
Nicky glanced down at his page. There were a number of different acronyms listed, but his file was made up predominantly of the same two acronyms, repeated over and over. DA-ET and DA-CS.
"I told you before there weren't two sides of camp, there were three." Nicky began, and the girls nodded. "There was the boys side, the girls side, and the conversion side. We got treated to different standards than you guys. For you, they didn't want girls and boys interacting because they didn't want misbehavior. We were almost encouraged to interact with the opposite sex, though we still got punished to uphold the standards for you, just to a lesser extent. We also had exclusive punishments."
The girls looked at him in silence. Andrew was looking at him with a hard gaze, like he knew where this was going. Kevin looked like he was going to be sick, his eyes going distant. He was thinking of the nest, Nicky thought, of Jean. It was obvious, though Nicky only knew the surface level details of that experience. Still: like recognized like.
"I'm not saying it didn't happen on your side of things, I'm sure it did. But it wasn't authorized or official for you like it was for us. It was in the paperwork our parents signed, we were told. I don't know how true that is, but I'm sure you could find out. DA-ET is electroshock therapy. DA-CS…" Nicky hesitated before finally whispering, "corrective sex."
The reactions were instantaneous. The girls gaped at him in shock. Andrew swore loudly and then stormed out of the room. Neil and Kevin followed after him. Aaron stood frozen. The upperclassmen stayed seated, but shock colored their faces.
"They'd make us… with each other," Nicky couldn't stop now that he'd started, "Or they'd do it to us. Whichever was easier to achieve in the moment. And the electroshock therapy… I still shake sometimes; it messed me up for more than while I was there. That's how I started Exy actually. A doctor, after I got out, recommended that getting into something that would train my motor skills and coordination would help, though he didn't know how I got the tremors, obviously."
"That's… horrible." Lena whispered.
Nicky shrugged. Unsure what to say in response. "Yeah. It is."
Before anything else could be said, Andrew stormed back in. "He's done." He marched up to Maddie and swiped the rest of Nicky's file from her hands. "Come on, Nicky."
He didn't wait for Nicky to follow him or react, simply walking back out again.
"Yeah," Nicky sighed. "I think… that's all I have for you. Sorry."
"No, no," Lena rushed to deny. "I… this was more than enough! … thank you, for… sharing all of that."
Nicky nodded, numb.
"We'll send you the documentary when it's finished," Roni offered as they quickly packed up and left.
And then it was Nicky, the upperclassmen and Coach.
"Don't," he whispered to them. "I already have to deal with my cousins. So just… don't. Not tonight."
They let him leave without another comment.
The ride back to the dorm was dead quiet. It wasn't until they were behind closed doors that the tirade began.
"What the hell, Nicky?" Aaron questioned immediately.
"What what the hell, Aaron?" Nicky replied, exhaustion deep set in his body and voice.
"How come you never told us?" Aaron demanded.
"When?" He shot back and Aaron stuttered. "When should I have told you? When you were struggling to keep it together with your mom during middle school? When Andrew showed up in the family? When you two were barely functioning after her death? When I needed to be seen as legally fit to be your guardian? When you two could barely stand me? When was I supposed to tell you any of this?"
"Does Erik know?" Andrew asked. Where Aaron was sharp edges and pointed questions at the moment, Andrew was almost deceptively calm. Expression cool and watchful. Nicky knew not to trust it.
"No," He admitted. "I've never told anyone before today."
He thought — hoped — that might be the end of it.
"You still wanted to be with your parents," Andrew stated. His voice was flat, but Nicky could feel the judgment oozing off of him. "You let us around them."
Nicky flinched. "I… I thought it would be different, for you guys. I mean… I was your guardian, they couldn't send you anywhere like they could me. And… you didn't need fixing like I did. What dad did to you… that's different. That's unforgivable. But before that… I just wanted a family, for you… for me. I thought we could get there."
ANdrew's lips pressed into a tight line. "You…"
"You didn't need fixing, Nicky," Aaron muttered. "It… I'm sorry. For, for the things I've said… for what they did. You didn't need fixing."
"I know," Nicky softly agrees, "Sometimes. I know that, sometimes. Other times…"
"Go talk to your boyfriend," Andrew spat out finally. He turned on his heel and left to go find Neil, who, along with Kevin, had miraculously given the cousins space.
"Talk to Erik," Aaron agreed. "We… we'll talk later."
Nicky kind of hoped they would. There was a chance this would all just get shoved in the back of their collective closet, like all the issues between them did, but… Nicky hoped it didn't.
Being acknowledged like this hurt, it tore open old oozing wounds and made Nicky bleed, but… it felt a little nice too.