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Leonardo dreamed that Donatello had cheated on him.
He woke up startled. He didn’t know exactly how much time had passed; maybe a couple of hours. He hadn’t moved from the bed, but he didn’t have the ability to fall asleep again. Mikey would be calling them soon for breakfast.
Maybe he shouldn’t have slept with Donnie —what does it matter if he can still feel the Kraang’s piercing gaze? What does it matter if he can still feel that monster’s claws on his skin?—. Immediately, he remembered Raph yelling at him, long before the invasion, reproaching him for how selfish he was. His immaturity. The way he avoided things, and he agrees with his older brother. He is selfish. He is selfish because he prefers to take refuge in his twin instead of facing his own problems.
But for how long will he be able to do that before he gets annoyed? How much time does he have before he gets tired of him and throws him away? The idea that he might be cheated on has stayed in his head for months. Because of the aches and fractures he went through, he didn’t have the energy to even take care of himself. Much less to be someone desirable. It has been months since he last looked at himself in the mirror. He hated how unattractive he looked.
His stupid turtle brain probably thought that he neglected his partner, and that’s where the fear comes from.
But… were they that? Were they officially a couple? Because he doesn’t remember anything like that. It all started with ambiguous flirting, touches disguised as accidents… until they ended up in bed. And then again. And again. Until it became a habit.
Until, in his dreams, it was thrown right in his face that Donnie could get someone better. Without telling him, since they weren’t “officially” anything.
Leonardo clenched his teeth. What could he offer? His body, at most. And even that didn’t feel like enough now. The Kraang had left him in pieces: bruises, scars, gained weight, a dull shell… even his own skin felt foreign. No matter how many times he bathed, he felt like he still smelled bad and the stains remained engraved on his awful scales.
If he couldn’t be enough, someone else would be. And Donnie… would choose someone better than him.
So Leo woke up angry with Donnie, with the Kraang, with himself and with the universe. He woke up angry because it was too early to start crying in front of everyone.
Being careful, he got out of bed and went for some painkillers. The headache was already there, right on time. He has been paranoid lately, and he feels embarrassed to admit a fear that will not happen anytime soon. Donatello is the best thing that has ever happened to him —maybe the only one—.
His brothers are the best thing that has ever happened to him. He can’t live without them, and it is very likely that his «future self» is aware of that. Maybe that’s why he sent Jr to his timeline. He couldn’t handle a real problem. He couldn’t do anything useful. How many times did he have to screw up to end up being the leader of a resistance? He was so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
“So that’s what we’re doing? Waking up separately? I thought you liked being kissed in the mornings.”
Donnie, thank the Supreme Pizza, pulled him out of his spiral. It’s not even 9 yet and he’s already dissociating into wrong ideas.
“Donnie, what are we?”
“In summary, mutant turtles” he answered without missing a beat. Then he noticed Leo’s frown “Alright, I’ll rephrase: what do you want us to be?”
“Do you really like me?”
“Yes.”
“But do you like me like this?” Leo points at his slightly rounded plastron. “I don’t look the same anymore.”
He watched him for a second longer than usual. Not with judgment or pity. Just… looking.
Then he moved closer.
The other’s calloused hands ran over Leonardo’s hips with a disarming naturalness, as if they had always been meant to be there. They moved down to his thighs, stopping there carefully, pressing lightly where the bruises still hurt.
“I’d say you look even better.” Donnie mentions, watching how Leo’s small, chubby tail sways happily, and Donnie notices it, but is left wanting to grab it to stimulate it, since it is still early and his partner has not yet recovered from the beating. He keeps touching him with an almost obsessive precision, as if he knows every exact point where he should do it. And he probably does.
He feels how Leo is melting under his bold touches, massaging his smooth scales. He remembers that later he will have to massage him again with some moisturizing creams he made not long ago in the lab.
Leo still doesn’t moan, but lets out small chirps from the gentle treatment of his scales. Donnie really knows where to touch him, for a reason he is the team’s mechanic.
“Do you like this, sweetheart?” Donnie murmured, leaning close to his ear. “Why don’t we go back to bed and I show you how much I like you?”
“Do you really like me?” Leonardo insists again, his voice breaking. Donnie hasn’t stopped massaging his thighs, and he keeps getting closer to his rear.
The softshell knows where the conversation is going. He is aware that they haven’t talked enough about their «relationship», and by mistake he assumed something that hadn’t been established. He has always been more about actions than words, and Leonardo’s bitten and hickey-covered body is proof of that.
“Do you need me to rearrange your insides for you to understand?”
Leonardo shouldn’t be excited by the idea, the conversation is supposed to be serious! And his traitorous, stupid turtle tail is happy at the idea of sleeping with the turtle that cheated on him. In his dreams. Where Donnie didn’t even look at him and left with someone else, while the red-eared slider begged for affection he didn’t feel he deserved and…
Donnie still doesn’t understand Leonardo’s lack of response, and holding his cheek to draw his attention, asks:
“What’s with your sudden need for affection, Nardo?”
Leonardo lowered his gaze. Suddenly, everything sounded ridiculous, childish and insecure. What if Donnie thought the same? He has seen hundreds of situations where relationships ended badly because of one partner’s paranoia.
But they aren’t even dating. They can’t end something that hasn’t even started. Is Donnie like his «almost something»? He doesn’t want Donnie to be his «almost something», it’s like saying he wasn’t enough to be considered a potential partner. He could be an excellent partner. He just needs a chance, he will be good boy, he will be good (please, he begs Donnie to give him a chance, please, please, please).
“Sigh, sometimes I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
Leo lets out a brief laugh.
“Wow, you can be cheesy.
“Forgive me for being a hopeless romantic.” Donnie kisses the corner of his lips. “I’m serious, what’s wrong?”
“I dreamed you had cheated on me.”
Donnie stops the caresses, looking offended and slightly concerned. Leo can almost hear the gears working in his head. It makes Leonardo want to take it back immediately.
“Do you think I would sleep with anyone who isn’t you? Slander, Nardo.” the softshell complains. “If I’m honest, I thought I had read all the books about sexual relationships, how to please your partner and the possible problems they might face, but…”
“Then…” the blue one murmurs. “Am I your partner?”
Donnie looks at him as if the answer were obvious.
“Sigh, clearly you are, Leonardo. And precisely because of that I feel offended that my foolish partner thinks I would cheat on him.”
“Am I your partner?”
“Of course you’re not paying attention.”
“I am paying attention! At least to the important part.”
“Everything is important, baby.” Donnie takes the other’s hand, and they both head back to the bed. “I skipped the part where I ask you to be my partner. An important part for you, I suppose.”
Leonardo swallows.
“It was just a stupid dream.”
“For me, yes. For you, clearly not.”
Leo tries to smile to ease the tension, but only manages an insecure grimace. It felt so real; his worst fears took the shape of his other half, and he looked so pathetic begging for attention. Crying over an unreal dream that still hurt him deeply.
“I can tell Mikey we won’t go to breakfast.” Donnie offers. “If you want.”
“They’ll worry.”
“Leave it to me.”
Maybe it’s his molting season, or some mating-related thing of their species, but he has felt so depressed. Maybe something is coming, and it is creating that pile of incoherent, messed-up thoughts that are dragging both of them into a void.
Donnie intertwines their fingers and kisses the back of his hand with unexpected softness, interrupting his drifting thoughts, and says:
“Will you allow me to be your partner in this life?”
Leonardo can’t help but love this man more. Or turtle. He lets out soft purrs as he nods, throwing himself into his partner’s arms and holding on as if he were about to lose him… His partner. The idea settles slowly, but firmly.
Maybe the dream wasn’t so important after all.