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“Hey Watari. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you find out you were aro ace?”
Yahaba asks Watari this question about a month after he’d told him about his orientation. Truthfully, he was surprised Yahaba hadn’t asked earlier.
It’s a question that makes him stop and think. Not because he hasn’t thought about it before - he has, obsessively - but because he doesn’t know how to explain it.
Where do I even begin?
The sun beats down the backs of the group of middle school boys. Sweat starts to soak through their tank tops and drip down their foreheads. Their popsicles do little to cool them down, but their sweet flavor is a welcome change to the saltiness of sweat.
“You know, summertime is the perfect time to pick up girls,” Utada says, pointing his popsicle at the other boys.
Inwardly, Watari sighs. He knows where this conversation’s going - he’s heard it a hundred times over the last year. He tenses up, clutching his popsicle a little tighter.
“But we’re middle schoolers!” Hanamura retorts, arms folded. Uptight as he is, he refused any kind of ice cream and bought only a cold water. “Romance doesn’t start until high school.”
Watari nods in agreement. He doesn’t understand why all his friends are so interested in girls. Why are they worrying about it now? Relationships are for adults.
Nomi stands up and spins around, his enormous glasses nearly falling off his face. “But you gotta start now! Or else everyone’s gonna be more experienced, and then where will we be?”
“Exactly!” Utada agrees. He looks dreamily at the sky. “My eye is on Baisho-san. She’s definitely the prettiest in our class.”
“That’s shallow, Utada,” Nomi accuses. After catching a drop of popsicle that threatens to drop, he continues, “You gotta look for a girl with substance .”
“Substance?”
“Ahem,” Hanamura clears his throat. “I think what Nomi is trying to say is, you should consider more than a female’s looks when evaluating their potential as a mate.”
Watari grins. The way Hanamura talks is so funny. “Like someone who you actually want to be around?” he clarifies.
Nomi jumps in agreement. “Yeah, someone like Wada-san! She’s almost as funny as me!”
“Nah, she’s definitely more funny that you,” Watari says with a grin.
“Totally.”
“I also find this true.”
Nomi’s jaw drops. “What kind friends are you guys?”
“The best,” Utada affirms with a bow.
Hanamura clears his throat again. “When I spoke of ‘substance,’ I was referring more to intelligence level. For example, someone like Yukawa-san.”
Utada and Nomi look at each other and smirk.
“The two nerdiest together.”
“That makes sense.”
Hanamura frowns. “Hey - ”
This isn’t so bad, Watari thinks, laughing with the others. He can just laugh along, pretending to participate. It’s just like playing a game.
Watari gives his popsicle a final lick before throwing the wrapper out. As he sits back down, Utada asks, “How about you, Watari?”
He freezes up, stiffer than the popsicle he’d just finished. This was the worst question of them all. “I - um - ” His friends stare at him in anticipation. “...there’s no one, actually...”
He always feels bad saying this. Not because it isn’t true, but because it isn’t what his friends want to hear, and he doesn’t like disappointing them. And he doesn’t like being the odd one out.
“What? No way, there must be someone you like!” Nomi says.
Watari bites back a wince. “Uh...” he mumbles, because what can he say? He already told them the truth. But by the way his friends are looking at him, they won’t let this rest until he gives them a name. They think he’s just hiding something from them.
“Well...Amari in Class 3 seems nice.” He has to force the words out of his mouth.
“Ooooo, I knew it!”
“Yeah, you two are weirdly close. Since, you know, you’re a guy and she’s a girl.”
“Amari-san is an excellent choice, Watari-kun.”
Watari feels sick in his stomach. He knows he didn’t do anything that bad, but he hates lying to his friends and he hates that he put Amari on the spot.
“Hey, did you guys see that new movie? The one with the dragon?” he asks, attempting to change the subject. Thankfully, they take the bait, and talk about dragons the rest of the way home.
Watari wasn’t sure how much more questioning he could take.
In the beginning of his first year of high school, Watari is assigned to write about his future.
“Write about where you want to go to university. What kind of job you want. Where you want to live. And, most importantly, what kind of family you want. Describe your spouse, when you want to get married, how many children you want. Please, be detailed. You must write a minimum of four pages,” his teacher had said.
Watari and Yahaba, a friend he made through volleyball, decide to work on their papers together. They sit in the library, papers and books strewn around them.
“This is stupid,” Yahaba says.
“This is very stupid,” Watari agrees.
Yahaba sighs, and throws down his paper in disgust. He’s a bit of a drama queen, but Watari likes him (even though he beat Watari out as reserve setter. It’s fine, libero was always a position I’ve wanted to try! ). He’s sharp, a very diligent worker, and he isn’t afraid to speak his mind. He also has a smart mouth, which has caused Watari to burst out in giggles numerous times in class already.
“I mean, what if we don’t have a plan? We’re only fourteen! Why do we have to have our lives planned out already!” Yahaba exclaims. He points accusingly to the directions on the paper. “Marriage? Seriously? How many kids we want? How the hell are we supposed to know this now?”
Watari nods in agreement. “Yeah, it’s ridiculous, isn’t it…”
Watari’s never wanted to get married. Something about the idea of marriage, such a binding and intimate contract with some mystery person in his future, always scared him. Not just because of the gravity of such a contract, but because it was never something he wanted. And children? He liked kids well enough, but the thought of having children of his own has never even crossed his mind.
“I think...I’m going to ask what exactly our teacher is looking for,” Watari says. He stands up and gathers his notebooks. “Do you think he’s still in his office?”
Yahaba shrugs. “Probably. Tell me what he says. I have to stay here and finish this English homework.”
Watari nods, and sets off to the teacher’s offices. His teacher is still there. He turns his chair around as Watari approaches.
“Watari. How can I help you?”
Watari gulps. “I had a question about the future assignment. Uh. What if we don’t, um, really want to get married and have children?”
Sensei laughs, loud and hearty. “Oh, my boy, you will one day, trust me. Everyone does. Just wait and see - you’ll change your mind. Just wait until you’re my age. A nice boy like you? You’ll find someone you like, no problem.”
That wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, but he doesn’t know what else to say. “Okay...thanks.”
For some reason, Sensei’s words make him feel bad. He’s probably right, Watari thinks. What do I know? I’m basically a kid. But it still doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t want to be wrong about himself, he doesn’t like feeling that some random adult in his life knows himself better than he does. He’s torn: I know myself, I don’t know myself, I know myself, I don’t know myself.
In the end, he makes up his ideal future, one with a nice wife and one beautiful child. He gets full marks, but he throws the assignment away as soon as he gets it back. He feels uncomfortable even thinking about it.
“...so please, accept my feelings!”
Watari is stunned. He wasn’t expecting this when Amari asked to talk to him outside. Looking back, though, it was kind of obvious.
Amari is still bowed in front of him, her hands stretched out, holding an envelope.
Watari gulps. He’s known Amari since elementary school, and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by not accepting her confession. But he doesn’t like her in that way - he never did.
But maybe I could learn to, he thinks. He remembers Sensei’s words, and he thinks he should at least try being in a relationship. After all, he really doesn’t know what it’s like. Maybe this is the moment that will change things.
He takes the letter, and smiles at her when she looks up.
“I accept your feelings. Would you like to go on a date?”
They’ve only been dating for a month - sparse dates to movies, getting dinner together - when Amari pulls him aside.
She looks at her shoes, hair falling in her face, when she asks, “Watari, do you want to stop dating?”
“I - wait...Amari…” He’s not sure why she’s bringing this up so abruptly. Has he been a bad boyfriend? He thought they were getting along perfectly well.
No. He’s not kidding anyone. The dates have been weird, and Watari feels like he’s pretending through all of them. Something about their relationship hasn’t felt right. It isn’t wrong, he likes hanging out with Amari, but it still feels like he’s going on outings with a friend.
She gives him a small smile. “You don’t seem to feel the same way that I do. And I’m not sure - you really want to be dating me. You seem...uncomfortable.”
He hasn’t been hiding it well enough. “Um...yeah. Sorry. I’ve never been a relationship before, so I’m a bit unsure of myself, I guess. Maybe I need more time?”
Amari raises an eyebrow. “Is that the truth?”
He’s not fooling her. She’s already seen past him. He feels guilt, but also relief. “No. I’m sorry, Amari, it’s just - ”
“It’s okay,” she interrupts. She smiles again, but he knows it’s not sincere. “You don’t have to explain. I just don’t want us to be together if you don’t want us to be together.”
Watari looks away. He feels guilty all over again. Amari’s trying to put up a front, to look strong, but Watari can see past it. He can see the tears in the corner of her eyes. I shouldn’t have messed with her feelings.
“It’s okay,” Amari says, as if reading his thoughts. “Don’t feel bad. I’m glad we had this time together.”
“I am too,” Watari tells her. “Honestly. You’re one of the kindest people I know.”
She blushes. “Thank you.”
“So...this is it?”
“I think it’s for the best.”
After Amari, Watari resolves not to date girls. He’s afraid he won’t love them back, and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone like he hurt Amari ever again.
“I...uh...I think I should tell you something. I’m gay.”
Watari looks at Yahaba, his best friend, his best friend who felt comfortable enough around him to come out to him, and gives him a hug. Yahaba freezes in surprise, before relaxing into Watari’s arms and hugging him back tightly.
“Thank you for telling me,” Watari says into Yahaba’s shoulder (damn him for being so much taller.) “That was incredibly brave of you.”
Yahaba pulls away from the hug, a sad grin on his face. Watari doesn’t miss the tears in his eyes. “Thanks for...reacting...like you did. It means a lot. I was worried - because - oh, you know why.”
Watari smiles. “You shouldn’t be. I’m your best friend, and nothing’s going to change that.”
“Thanks.”
“Unless you dye your hair black again. When your mom told me how you dressed in middle school, I didn’t believe her, but those pictures - ”
“Oh my god, shut up!”
Watari hasn’t met anyone who's gay before. At least, not openly. He’s had suspicions about his aunt before, but they’re only suspicions. When Yahaba comes out to him, he goes down a new train of thought.
What if I’m gay? Maybe that’s why I don’t feel the same way about girls as everyone else does.
In his head, it makes sense. He’s just been missing that little hint, that’s all. Maybe, he doesn’t want a nice wife, he wants a nice husband.
He starts looking at the boys in his school - really looking. And it’s true, some of them are really good looking. That’s the same thing as having a crush, right?
So Watari starts to think of himself as gay. He doesn’t tell anyone - not even Yahaba. He tells himself it’s because of the threat of homophobia, a perfectly rational reason to hide this part of himself.
(In truth, it’s because he’s afraid he’s wrong. And he doesn’t want to be wrong about himself.)
“Holy shit, he’s hot.”
“Damn, look at his abs.”
“I wanna bang him.”
“I want him to bang me.”
It’s been months since he started thinking of himself as gay, but he hasn’t had a crush yet. At least, he doesn’t think he has. Ever since coming out to him, Yahaba has been informing Watari on all the boys he thinks are hot. At first Watari was happy to listen, glad that Yahaba was opening up to him, but now it’s gotten kind of old. Especially when Watari feels like he can’t relate.
What’s more, it turns out his volleyball team is incredibly gay. He’s not sure they all realize it yet, but Watari definitely notices. Especially in moments like this - when they’re watching movies at Oikawa’s house, and Matsukawa and Hanamakki insist on making comments whenever a man comes on screen.
“Stop being so vulgar, dumbasses.”
“Sorry, Iwaizumi.”
“More like Iwa-do-me.”
“SHUT UP.”
It’s conversations like this that make Watari question his sexuality. At first, he thought they were joking about the whole “do me” thing about anyone they found hot. It had to be a joke, right? Now, he’s not so sure.
When he goes home that night, he sits in front of his computer, and searches “sexual orientation.”
Hundreds of results pop up, and Watari unwittingly spends the next two hours combing through labels, both well-known and obscure, trying to find a match. He learns more about sexuality and gender in the next two hours than he’s ever learned in his entire life. And it’s kind of interesting.
The first thing of relevance he finds is a word that clicks: asexual. Or ‘ace’ for short.
(Watari likes the term ‘ace.’ He could never wear it on the volleyball court, but maybe elsewhere?)
“A lack of sexual attraction.” He’s not quite sure what that definition means, but the more he reads about it, the more he feels like he fits that description. The way people talk about it, the experiences they’ve had, it all aligns. Not perfectly, but closer than anything else.
Asexual. That’s a nice word, he thinks. It’s a word, a label, a description, and it makes him feel grounded.
The second thing he finds complicates things even more. He was just about satisfied with his search when he sees them: two terms on the screen that stare at him, louder than the rest.
Romantic attraction. Sexual attraction.
Watari glares at them, he reads the definitions ten times over, he looks at other sources and the different categories in both. But he still can’t answer his question: what’s the difference?
In theory, it makes sense. One means you have a deep connection with people of a certain gender, the other means you want to get it on with them. But what does that feel like? Any answer he can find to this question amounts to the same conclusion: You’ll know it when you feel it.
That’s! Not! Helpful! Watari wants to scream. How does he know if he could fall in love with someone? What does it feel like to want to get in bed with them? And how does friendship play into this? Do all romantic relationships start as friendships? Is thinking someone looks good the same thing as being sexually attracted to them? The internet was suppose to help him answer questions, not cause him to ask even more!
Maybe his confusion at the terms means he never understood it at all. That would probably match up with the “asexual, aromantic” orientation.
That night, when he goes to sleep, he feels a little lighter, a little happier, a little more at peace with himself. He may not be in the majority, but at least he knows he’s not alone.
Sakura leaves rain down on Aoba Josai’s opening ceremony. The weather is warm, but there’s a breeze that carries the fresh smell of spring with it.
After the ceremony, the second and third years of the volleyball team meet outside the gym. So far, it’s just him and Yahaba. They only have to wait a few moments before the captain-ace duo appears to join them.
“Ah, it’s good to be back~!” Oikawa sings, bouncing on his feet in front of the door.
Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “It’s only been a month, Shittykawa.”
“So mean, Iwa-chan. How would you like it if I called you Iw -ass- zumi?”
“Do you want a black eye?”
Watari grins. Those two are the same as always.
“I’m feeling good about this year!” Oikawa says. “Love is in the air.”
“Love?” Yahaba asks.
“Yes, love! It’s a new year, a fresh start for love!” Oikawa says. “Watacchi! Any love interests for the new year? I’m a brilliant matchmaker, you know.”
This question again. Somehow, it isn’t as bad as before. This time, he knows how to answer.
“Actually, I’m…” Watari pauses. Should he be telling them this? Now that he has a label, he wouldn’t have as much trouble explaining to them. And it wasn’t that he's too afraid they’ll reject him - he just doesn't know if they'll understand.
But another part of him wants to scream it to the world. To stop pretending to be something he isn’t. He wants his friends to understand him - to understand this part of him.
Yahaba, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi are all looking at him, curiosity gleaming in their eyes.
Watari takes a breath, and then says, “Actually, I’m ace. Aromantic asexual...specifically.”
For a moment, they’re all silent.
Yahaba is the first to speak. “Oh. Okay.”
Oikawa nods. “That means more girls for me~!”
Iwaizumi smacks his arm. “Shut up, idiot, you’ve been on like one date.”
“Not true! There were at least...two!”
Iwaizumi turns to Watari and places a firm hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad you were able to tell us. Ignore this dumbass here,” he says, pointing his thumb at Oikawa.
“Hey!” Oikawa exclaims, placing his hand on Watari’s other shoulder. “I am perfectly supportive of our wonderful libero and all of his platonic endeavors!”
That wasn’t so bad. Watari can’t stop grinning. He feels lighter on his feet, and he feels a sense of relief. He counts himself lucky to have such a supportive team.
How did you find out you were aro ace?
He doesn’t know how to tell Yahaba everything. He doesn’t know if he should tell Yahaba everything.
“It...was a long process. There were a lot of bits and pieces that came together with the help of the internet. There’s more to it, but...it’s complicated.”
“Oh,” Yahaba says, nodding slightly. Watari feels like his friend isn’t satisfied with that answer. Frankly, neither is Watari.
“...wanna hear the full discourse?” he suggests.
Yahaba smiles, as if this was what he was waiting for. “Tell me everything.”
Memories flash through his mind, from the very beginning up until now. Things he didn’t think about until after he started identifying as aro ace. Watari grins. “Well, get comfy, because this’ll take awhile.”