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Once is an accident.
Buck knew that Tommy’s words had been borne out of ignorance. Why else would he have proclaimed Eddie to be his competition for Buck’s affection. They were best friends, of course they spent time together.
Buck didn’t appreciate the tone with which Tommy had revealed his relief and joy at Eddie’s absence though. A good friend - a good boyfriend - wouldn’t revel in the fact that one’s best friend had left the state without a fixed return date. And Buck had similarly not been impressed by the tone in which Tommy had dismissed Buck’s explanation why Eddie was most certainly not Tommy’s competition for his romantic affections.
Eddie was straight. What else was there to say?
A lot of mean words, apparently, but that was besides the point.
Two times is a coincidence.
Well, seeing as this incidence was barely 24 hours after the first one, it wasn’t necessarily coincidental in that sense of the word.
To Buck, however, it was definitely a coincidence that Maddie basically echoed Tommy’s words, albeit in a much nicer way. Her prodding questions, her ‚it wouldn’t be so crazy‘ were much better to listen to that Tommy’s condescending words and the snort of ‚yeah right‘ when Buck insisted that Eddie was straight.
Buck repeated that fact with his sister as well. He also added that no, Buck wasn’t a cliché bisexual man who fell in love with his straight best friend as soon as he came out. And he really didn’t know why so many people kept insisting that he had done exactly that.
Buck wasn’t in love with Eddie. And he was getting pretty tired of having to repeat that statement.
But three times is a pattern.
And this third time really came out of the blue for him.
„Well, which one of you boys is buying me a drink?“
Buck looked up from where he was grinning at Eddie, still elated by the outcome of the evening. They had - sort of - won the Firefighter Games, had formed new friendships with the men and women from the 113 and had concluded the day with a worthwhile party at the bar.
At the other end of the bar’s countertop, a woman, a little older than Buck himself, but beautiful, was looking over at Buck and Eddie, smiling saucily. Buck remembered seeing her throughout the evening, but he couldn’t recall who she belonged with. Turning back to his best friend, Buck smirked slightly. Eddie sent him back a grin, which communicated all Buck needed to know.
Eddie got up from the bar, leaving a couple of bills on the counter, tipping his hat at the lady and turned to go.
„Good night, Buck.“
„Good night, Eddie.“ Buck then turned back to the blonde woman, who had scooched a little closer at the bar.
„Well sadly, my friend here is actually just leaving“ he started, sending her a smile, „so I guess you’ll have to make do with the leftovers.“
The smile the woman sent Buck made it very clear that she didn’t mind being left with Buck at all.
And look, after Abby, no one could claim they didn’t know that Buck didn’t discriminate when it came to age. As long as it was consensual, Buck didn’t have a preference; male, female, older, younger, if the vibe fit, why couldn’t he have a good time?
And yes, maybe he had been thinking about settling down recently, but what happened in Nashville, stayed in Nashville, right?
Buck flagged down the bartender and ordered two more beers, pushing one of the bottles over to the lady.
„I don’t think we were introduced earlier“ he opened, holding his bottle out to cheers hers with, „I’m Buck.“
„Nice to meet you, Buck, I’m Dixie“ the woman - Dixie - replied, clinking her bottle with his. „You enjoying Nashville?“
„You know, I do, actually. I didn’t think we’d get to have too much downtime, and if I’m being honest, I was pretty focussed on the games, so going out and seeing the city and the nightlife wasn’t something I had planned to do these past few days“ Buck explained, smiling slightly, „but it’s nice. The city is special. I should’ve listened to Eddie and just gone along with it from the beginning. He had to practically drag me out to a bar that first night.“
„Eddie?“ Dixie asked curiously.
„What? Oh, yes. Eddie’s my best friend. He was really reluctant to come on this trip, but once he was here he was more excited about hitting the bars than actually competing, I think“ Buck chuckled, thinking back to that first night in his hotel room and Eddie’s little jig trying to convince Buck to come out with him. The way Eddie had rummaged through his drawers and practically thrown clothes at Buck. Buck had had to crawl under the bed to find the room service menu the next morning, Eddie had a good throwing arm, but he really hadn’t looked where he had chucked the little wooden board that had the menu clipped to it.
„Well, then I guess I’ll need to thank him for dragging you out on that first night and convincing you to have fun while in Nashville“ Dixie replied, turning her body on her stool so she was completely facing Buck. Her head was resting on her hand, her arm propped up on the bar.
„He’s a good friend, that’s for sure“ Buck nodded. His disco-ball cowboy hat was wobbling on his head with the motion, so he finally took it off, resting it beside him on the counter. Buck, too turned around to face Dixie, mirroring her posture. „And he was so right to push me to go out. After the last few weeks, he deserved to let off some steam. And well, it wasn’t super easy on me either…“
Dixie frowned at Buck’s words.
„Can I ask what happened?“ Buck let out a sigh that seemed to come from deep within him. The last few weeks really had been a lot.
„Well, it all started on Halloween. Well, it’s been a lot before that, as well, what with Eddie having to go to Texas for a bit, and then with Bobby… But on Halloween last year, we had a call at a church about a girl that had Tetanus after being locked in a room with a rusty bed frame. Her parents were part of a religious cult and they were convinced the girl was possessed by a demon. We got her help, so that was a good thing, but Eddie took that call pretty hard. His relationship with the church isn’t the best…“ Buck explained, stopping to nurse his beer. His eyes were a little distant, remembering the look on Eddie’s face when they had realized why Abigail was so sick. „And then to top it all off, Eddie’s Abuela dies, like, two days later. Eddie was really close with her. Well, I was, too, but it was really hard for him.“
„That’s awful. I’m really sorry for your loss. You and Eddie both“ Dixie said, her mouth turned down, her condolences genuine. Buck graced her with a tight-lipped smile.
„Thank you“ he sighed, „well, a couple of weeks ago, the parents of the girl Eddie saved were on trial for child endangerment. And Eddie had to give a statement. From what he told me, the defense attorney was ruthless, tried to dredge up old incidences, trying to paint Eddie in a bad light. As if he was a violent man, lashing out at Abigail’s parents. Abigail’s the girl he saved“ Buck added. „As if Eddie could ever hurt anyone. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but he’s such a softie. He cried when we had a call about an abandoned litter of kittens once. He wanted to take them home with him to nurse them back to health. I had to go out and get ice cream at his favorite place to get him to smile again after we handed the kittens over to Animal Control.“
It had taken three scoops of Rocky Road and rainbow sprinkles to get Eddie to smile again.
„And then the parents actually get acquitted! They did so much harm and got away with it! Abigail was all alone, so of course Eddie decided to help her. He called in Alex, who got Abigail a spot in a halfway house. But Abigail latched onto Eddie a bit - I mean, who could blame her - so she showed up at his house and tried to insert herself into his life. She didn’t mean any harm by it, but she definitely crossed a line when she picked up Chris. Eddie was beside himself when he couldn’t find him.“
„Chris?“ Dixie chimed in, and only then did Buck notice that he had been blabbing nonstop without giving her many chances to get a word in edgewise.
„Chris is Eddie’s son. He’s fifteen now. God, I love that kid, but I miss the times when he was small enough to pick him up and throw him over my shoulder when he didn’t want to go to bed. He has so much sass now, I’m catching strays left and right all the time. He definitely inherited that from Eddie“ Buck explained, his blinding smile. Chris really was his favorite kid - tied with Jee and Nash of course.
„Wow, that must have been terrifying for him“ Dixie breathed. She motioned to the barkeeper for another beer, asking Buck if he wanted one as well with a pointed look. Buck nodded.
„Yeah, I don’t think there’s many times in my life that I have been more worried“ Buck breathes. He could count the times on one hand: Maddie being kidnapped by Doug; Maddie being kidnapped by Amber (Maddie really needed to stop being kidnapped); Eddie being buried in the well; Eddie being shot; losing Chris in the Tsunami.
„But it turned out that Abigail really just wanted to help. She had picked up Chris from school because she thought she’d be doing Eddie a favor. What we didn’t know, though, was the fact that Abigail’s father was stalking her. So he saw Eddie and Abigail together and thought there was something going on between them, that Eddie was taking advantage of her. So he vandalized his car, slashed a tire and spray-painted on his windshield to stay away from Abigail. We thought Abigail had done all of that.“ Buck emptied his first bottle of beer in one last pull. He didn’t want to think about Eddie getting attacked.
„And then Abigail calls Eddie out of the blue, telling him she’s sorry for what she had done and that Eddie didn’t have to worry about her anymore, that this would be the last time he’d hear from her. And Eddie of course gets worried that she’s gonna do something stupid, so he drives to her place, making sure she’s okay. Because that’s who Eddie is, always taking care of everyone else. But then Abigail’s dad shows up and just goes mental and attacks Eddie. Police showed up pretty quickly, but Eddie was still pretty banged up…“ Buck scrunches up his brows at the thought of Eddie in the ER, his arm wrapped up and his shiner covered by a cold compress. He had been so worried when Harry had told him Eddie was in hospital. Worried, and pissed that Eddie hadn’t called himself.
„Wow, that’s… I don’t know what to say. LA is something else, that’s for sure…“ Dixie commented from where she still sat opposite Buck. If he had to be honest, he had almost forgot who he was ranting to about what had been going on in his and Eddie’s life the last few weeks.
„Sometimes I think we attract disasters at the 118“ Buck groaned, shaking his head. „And I’m really sorry for just dumping all that on you. That’s not what I had planned at all. I didn’t even ask you anything about you. I’m sorry.“
Buck was pretty sure he had blown it with Dixie, but he could still try and turn things around.
„So tell me, how do you fit into the Nashville scene? I saw you around the group this evening, but I don’t think I caught who you belonged to.“
„Well“ Dixie started, the devilish grin back on her face, „first off, I don’t belong to anyone. But my son’s the firefighter cadet at the 113, Blue.“
„Oh, yes, I definitely know him! He seems like a good kid. Nice. Still has to learn a lot to be a good firefighter, though“ Buck replied, smiling. He remembered the kid’s bright smiles and kind demeanor, but also his blunders at the rescue earlier that day. „Eddie had to show him how to properly smash a windshield. Lost a good couple of seconds when we tried to rescue that driver from the crashed car in the dumpster.“
„He’s not been a cadet for long. He was a dancer before he joined the Nashville FD“ Dixie explained.
„Wow, a dancer, that’s cool. Bit of a 180 to go into firefighting after that. But then again, Eddie used to be a dancer as well and then he ended up first in the Army and then the LAFD… What made Blue want to join the Fire Department?“ Buck had badgered Blue and Ryan about being ‚Nepo Babies‘ earlier during the Games, so he was curious to know what the connection was there.
„He doesn’t say so outright, but I think he wants to make his father proud. They haven’t known each other for long, so it’s a chance for them to bond. And I’m sure Don will make sure he learns all he needs to become a good firefighter. He’s good at his job and he has done well with Ryan, so I hope he’ll repeat that with Blue. Maybe you should come visit again and give him a couple more pointers, though.“
„Who knows, maybe we’ll come back one day. And he can show me the recipe for that breakfast casserole they tried making us eat. It smelled delicious, but three types of cheese is definitely not what you should eat before a competition.“
„Oh yes, Blue’s a great cook. He puts so much love into every dish he makes“ Dixie’s smile is fond. Buck can see she really does adore her son.
„Cooking’s a love language. And Eddie and Chris are sure happy I like cooking because they reap the most benefits from it. Eddie can keep himself and Chris fed, but that’s about it. And who would I be if I denied my favorite people delicious meals? It’s also a way to stay connected with Bobby…I learned everything I know from him. He was-“ Buck has to clear his throat, suddenly overcome with emotions at the thought of his late fire captain, „he was as close to a father I ever had. And my actual father isn’t even dead. Bobby took me in and helped me become the man I am today. He brought in Eddie so I could have a partner to rely on. He was even the one to put in the applications for Eddie and I to come here. And Eddie wasn’t even a part of the 118 at that time. Bobby was so sure that Eddie’d come back home and well, turns out it was true…“
A heavy silence settled over the two of them. Buck didn’t think about Bobby often, or at least he tried not to. It still hurt too much to think about him, about all the things he had done for him, how he helped Buck become the man he was today. This week had been heavy with talk about Bobby. How even from the grave, he looked after them, steered them in the right direction.
„Well, your Captain must have had a good hunch. Bringing Eddie into your team obviously was the best thing he ever could’ve done for you. You obviously love him a lot“ Dixie commented quietly.
Buck looked up with a start.
What?
„Uhh, what?“
„What do you mean, what?“ Dixie replied, a laugh on her voice. „You’ve been talking my ear off about Eddie for the last hour, and from the way you describe him, he seems like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. The guy sounds like he could walk on water. And I don’t know if you’ve seen yourself lately, but I see a pair of pretty big heart eyes in the middle of your face. So don’t start with the whole „we’re just friends, I only love him like a friend“ spiel.“
Buck sat on his stool, dumbstruck and silenced. He knew that he was always singing Eddie’s highest praises, no matter what. But that didn’t mean he was in love with him. Because he wasn’t.
Was he?
„Uhhmm, I… I think I need to… go.“ Buck got up from his stool, taking out a couple of bills out of his wallet and putting them on the counter. „Drinks are on me, but I need to go…“
Buck hurried out of the bar, his hat forgotten on the countertop.
He needed to think.
Buck stumbled out of the bar, his mind anywhere but at the busy street lined by bars and clubs. There were still many people milling about, despite the late hour. Nashville’s Broadway, like his New York cousin, never really slept, it seemed.
But Buck didn’t need people right now. He needed quiet. He needed space to think.
Looking first left - the direction leading to his hotel - then right, Buck stalled for a second. He couldn’t go back to the hotel yet. The possibility of running into Eddie was too high. And while he normally would love to spend time with his best friend, he really needed to keep his distance right now.
He needed to figure stuff out first.
So Buck turned right, making his way through groups of people, bachelorette parties and stag dos, birthdays and casual gatherings. He knew that if he kept walking, he’d eventually reach the waterfront. Buck hoped he’d be able to find a little corner of peace and quiet there.
It didn’t take long for him to reach the water. He had hoped for a little park, but the promenade on this side of the river was made up of concrete walkways. To his left, however, he saw a patch of tiered grass. He needed to feel the earth beneath his feet and hands to ground himself.
There was a reason Buck liked to go on hikes. Nature always calmed him down.
Despite the cold, the lawn was dry to the touch. It was cool against his hands and Buck knew that sooner rather than later, he’d start getting cold. Buck usually ran hot, but the weather had been unreasonably chilly lately, so even with the jacket he was wearing, Buck was sure he’d get cold quickly.
Eddie would tear him a new one of he got sick because he stayed outside for too long.
No.
Buck shook his head to dislodge the thought of his best friend being concerned for him. He needed to stop thinking of him like that.
Easier said than done. There weren’t many thoughts within Buck’s head that didn’t include Eddie.
But that was normal, right? He was his best friend, after all. Of course Buck would think about Eddie frequently.
But was it really normal best friend-behavior if you constantly thought about your best friend? Buck had to admit that he could barely remember when Eddie hadn’t been a constant in his thoughts. From the moment they had met, Eddie had occupied a corner of his head, making himself at home there.
That first shift when Bobby had introduced Eddie as Buck’s new partner, Buck had been apprehensive. He was worried Eddie would show him up, do everything Buck did but so much more effortlessly. He was an Army veteran, after all. He had a silver star. Guy was a hero. Who was Buck to compete with that?
After they had worked together trying to get the live missile out of that dude’s leg, the thoughts about Eddie had changed, though. Instead of competing with him, they had formed a truce, which had transformed into a friendship within a couple of shifts.
But that didn’t mean he was in love with the guy!
Right?!
Right.
Buck had appreciated Eddie for the man that he was. He was a great father, dedicated to Chris, trying to give him everything the little boy deserved. And Eddie had continued to do so for the last 8 years. He had shaped Chris into an admirable young man, and Buck was proud of his best friend’s work raising his son. And he was grateful Eddie had let Buck be a part of that kid’s life. Chris really was one of the best kids Buck ever knew. Helping with Chris had filled a part of Buck’s soul that he didn’t know needed filling.
So yeah, Eddie was a great dad. He was a great firefighter. He was a great friend. All good qualities anyone should have.
You don’t just think about him with those qualities in mind though, do you?!
Well. Not entirely.
Buck definitely appreciated Eddie for his work ethic. During shifts, he was always there 100%. He was competent during rescues and thorough when working as a paramedic. Their patients felt safe with Eddie in charge of their wellbeing. He went above and beyond to help those in need.
Like with Hayden.
You tried to dig into the ground with your bare hands to get to him.
Well, obviously. Eddie had been buried alive and there was no way to get a drill in to get him out. What else was he supposed to do than dig with his hands?
Or when they had been taken hostage and still Eddie had tried to help their kidnapper help his son.
Your heart almost stopped when you heard the gunshot go off.
Buck was pretty sure he’d have reacted like that with any of his other friends. But he also had to think about Chris in that moment. What would have happened if Eddie really had been shot again? Chris could have lost his dad again.
Or when he helped get you and Ravi out of the collapsed building.
Seeing him across from you on top of that car park felt like looking at the sun after years of darkness.
He hadn’t seen Eddie working with the LAFD for months at that point. And he was glad he could count on his best friend to help him get to safety. That’s what friends did. They had each other’s backs.
So no. Buck refused to believe that just because he had been concerned with Eddie’s safety or glad to see him when he himself had been in danger was a sign that he was in love with the guy. It just meant he was a dedicated friend.
And that’s what he was. Eddie was such a good friend. How many times did Eddie make sure that Buck did his exercises when he had been on sick leave with his leg? How often did he come over with Chris to keep him company, just so he wasn’t alone to wallow in self pity?
And how much did you miss spending time with him during the lawsuit? How much did you try to get back into his good graces after being reinstated at the LAFD? How much did you enjoy living with him during lockdown? How worried were you about him when he was shot? How worried when he was suffering from PTSD? How comforted did you feel at his house after the lightning strike? How jealous were you when he started hanging out with Tommy?
Now, hold up. He hadn’t been jealous because Eddie had started hanging out with Tommy instead of him. He had been jealous because Eddie had been the one spending time with Tommy, and not Buck. Buck had always tried to get Tommy’s attention during that time. That’s what he had told Tommy before they’d kissed for the first time.
That’s why you pushed yourself during the workouts when Tommy wasn’t even in the station? That’s why you picked up one of Eddie’s hobbies? That’s why you were nervous about revealing you had been on a date with Tommy in front of Eddie?
Buck sighed, dropping his head in his hands. The voice in his head sounded disturbingly similar to his sister’s. Maddie had always been the voice of reason for Buck, but that voice was getting on his nerves right now.
So maybe he had tried harder to make up for the whole lawsuit debacle with Eddie than with the others. And maybe he had not minded at all sharing a bed with Eddie during lockdown, when they had shared his loft. Of course he had been worried when Eddie had been shot. He had had the taste of his blood in his mouth for days afterwards! And yes he was worried about Eddie’s struggle with PTSD. The guy had trashed his bedroom and scared his son shitless. Obviously Buck had been there for them during that time. And he had always felt at home at Eddie’s house. It was cozy. Why would it be different after the lightning strike?
But the thing with Tommy? Thinking about it now, with some distance and less emotions behind it, he could see that that situation could be construed differently to how it had played out.
So maybe he had been jealous that Eddie had spent time with Tommy rather than with him. Their friendship had blindsided him; they’d had so much in common, Buck had felt left out. Who wouldn’t have tried to catch their best friend’s attention in a situation like that? It wasn’t because he had been in love with Eddie. It was because he missed his best friend. Simple as that.
So that’s why you were sabotaging the open houses, felt like a part of your heart got ripped out when Eddie left for El Paso? That’s why you couldn’t sleep in his house for weeks after he had left? Why the FaceTime calls were some of the only things you looked forward to during the day? Why you have been so upset that he’s been removed as your partner and works as a paramedic now?
That’s why you told Tommy that you didn’t have to want to sleep with everyone you have feelings for?
Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Because the thing was, all that was true. He might have not consciously decided to sabotage the open houses, but he had done so anyways. And when he had overheard Eddie telling the potential renter that there was nothing keeping him in LA, he might have crashed out a bit. Or a lot. Because the thought of Eddie not putting as much value into their friendship as Buck did had hurt on a deeper level than even being ghosted by Abby had hurt.
Seeing Eddie’s car turn the corner at the bottom of the street, leaving for El Paso had been heartbreaking. Buck had indulged in a whole pint of ice cream before burying in his bed and wallowing in misery until falling asleep afterwards. The house had felt foreign without Eddie’s furniture, without Eddie. Buck had felt like an intruder for a while. Like he didn’t have any right to be in the house without Eddie by his side.
And Buck had always been so elated when he had seen Eddie’s caller ID lighting up his phone. He’d feel giddy at the prospect of talking to Eddie, about anything and everything. Sometimes they would just run errands together, and with Eddie in his ear, it almost felt like he was there with him. As if Buck wasn’t alone, as if half of his heart wasn’t 800 miles away.
And maybe he hadn’t just said those words to Tommy as a knee-jerk reaction to him saying Eddie was the competition. Maybe it was because hearing Tommy confirm that indeed, Eddie wasn’t in LA anymore brought the truth so close to the surface. That there were feelings that Buck had never acknowledged, had never acted upon.
You’re happy when you’re with him. You’re worried when he is in danger. You’re sad when he is hurting. Your heart beats erratically when you look at him for too long.
But that was just platonic love, right? Buck tried to hold onto these last slivers of hope that he had not misread this whole situation. Eddie and him had just a really close, PLATONIC bond.
There’s nothing platonic about the way you look about him when he changes in the locker room. Nothing platonic about the way he sometimes slips into your thoughts when you’re running your hands over your own chest, trailing down your stomach, gripping yourself, sighing his name.
FUCK.
Had Buck really been that blind? For all those years?
When had Buck fallen in love with Eddie?
Buck stayed on the lawn for another while, trying to pin point the moment things had changed for him. Was it when he had been worried about Eddie being hurt last week? After Abigail’s father had attacked him?
No. It had been going on longer than that. Tommy had picked up on it. Maddie had picked up on it.
With his luck, everyone in his immediate circle had picked up on it. Everyone but him.
Oh God. What if Eddie knew that Buck was in love with him? What if he was feeling uncomfortable with every moment that they were close to each other? Was that the reason he had switched to being a paramedic? Putting space between him and Buck, so he’d not be exposed to Buck’s (subconscious) pining?
No. It hadn’t been Eddie’s choice to become a paramedic. That had been decided higher up.
So when had it changed for Buck? Based on the evidence, he had already been in love with Eddie by the time he had left for El Paso. That would certainly explain why he had felt like his heart was ripped in half when he had to see Eddie off that last day. But that hadn’t been the moment he had fallen in love, Buck could agree on that.
Unconsciously, he must have already been having feelings for him before he had started to date Tommy. It was true - in the beginning, he had tried to catch Eddie’s attention, had tried to steer his best friend away from Tommy and back towards him. Maybe he hadn’t been in love with the man then, but he must have had feelings that surpassed platonic levels.
Maybe those feelings had grown over time, naturally, building up into something that couldn’t be called anything but love. They had gone through so much together over the years, had formed a bond so close, a friendship so deep that somewhere, it had changed shapes, changed intensity.
Buck had always loved Eddie. It had just eventually turned into a different kind of love.
Buck sighed. There was no use trying to find answers where there most likely wouldn’t be any concrete ones. He wouldn’t find the moment he had fallen in love with Eddie.
Especially not on the lawn at the waterfront of Nashville, freezing his butt off.
Eddie would be so pissed if Buck caught a cold.
Time to head back to the hotel then. Their flight home was due to leave at noon the next day, so Buck needed to pack his things before then. Preferably before tomorrow morning. And maybe a good night’s sleep would do him good. Clear his thoughts. Put things into perspective. Find a solution as to how to go forward. He’d need to get a grip on this revelation before facing Eddie.
Because if there was one thing Buck didn’t want to do, it was alienating his best friend by openly pining for him. Buck couldn’t risk losing his friendship with Eddie, his relationship with Christopher. They were one of the few constants in Buck’s life, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to live without them. He knew he wouldn’t be. Losing Bobby had shown Buck how much he depended on his people, his inner circle. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he lost Eddie and Chris by his own doing.
Buck traced his steps back to Broadway, weaving his way through the crowds still mingling on the busy streets.
He’d just have to compartmentalize, put his feelings for Eddie to the side in his mind and lock them away for safekeeping. He had done so for at least a year, he could do so again. Anything to keep Eddie in his life.
Because there was no way that Buck would ever be able to act on those feelings. Eddie was straight. Eddie didn’t have feelings for Buck. Didn’t even have the inclination to ever develop feelings for him, or any man for that matter.
And as bad as it was that Buck had turned into the cliché bisexual man who fell in love with his straight best friend, he would do everything in his power to make sure he never came on to Eddie, try and seduce him, sway him to his wiles.
Up ahead, Buck saw the sign for the hotel they were staying at. He’d just go to his room, pack his bags, have a shower, and forget about any and all revelations this night had brought him. He’d just… forget he ever realized he was in love with Eddie.
Buck didn’t notice where he was going until he was standing in front of a hotel room door that was decidedly not his.
What the hell was he doing in front of Eddie’s room? Hadn’t he just decided to just forget about being in love with his best friend?
But maybe Buck should just make sure that Eddie knew he was back at the hotel. So he wouldn’t worry about Buck being late for check out.
Before Buck could talk himself out of it, he had already knocked three times at the hotel door. He could hear rustling from the other side of the door, then soft footsteps, before the door was swung open to reveal Eddie.
Eddie in sweats and a shirt with cut of sleeves. Eddie with ruffled hair that was still slightly damp. Eddie looking so endearingly soft.
Who was Buck kidding?! How could he have not fallen in love with Eddie? Eddie, who was so attentive, who cared so much for everyone else and forgot to care about himself in doing so. Eddie, who would go to bat for the people he loved. Who had jumped in to defend Buck the moment Blue had pushed him earlier during the games.
Eddie, who loved being goofy but hid it out of fear of being regarded as unprofessional, incapable, unqualified. Unqualified to be a firefighter, unqualified to be a good father. Eddie, who let his guard down around Buck, because he knew Buck would never judge him for being himself.
Eddie, whose eyes were the color of molten chocolate, deep and sweet and perfect to drown in. Whose arms and shoulders were wide and sculpted, whose chest was broad, perfect to lay his head down on. Perfect to run his hands over, dipping into the ridges of his abs, tracing every inch and committing it to memory.
Eddie, whose ass was just… perfect.
Fuck. What was he doing? He was so screwed.
„What are you doing here?“ Eddie’s words shook Buck out of his trance. His eyes focussed back in his best friend’s face, which was creased with a hint of worry.
„Uhhh…“
„Shit, you look like you’re freezing your ass off. Come on“ Eddie didn’t wait for an answer from Buck before ushering him into the room. Buck didn’t protest when Eddie deposited him at the foot of his bed, sitting him down like he was a child that needed to be told what to do.
„You decided to hook up with her in the deep freezer?“ Eddie quipped, „you look half frozen.“
Buck frowned. He had long forgotten about Dixie. He had had more pressing matters to think about.
„I, uhhh, I went for a walk.“ Buck turned around to take in his surroundings. Eddie had apparently already started packing. His suitcase lay open on the rack, the drawers of his dresser open. Behind him, the sheets of his bed looked slept in. „Were you in bed already?“
„Eh, no, I was packing but then I called Chris to say goodnight. You know how calls with Chris tend to get long, so I got comfortable. Apparently he and Denny built a model of the Death Star in Minecraft. He’s looking forward to us coming home tomorrow.“
Buck smiled, as was his usual reaction to anything regarding Chris. A year ago, a call with Chris would definitely not have been long enough to warrant getting comfortable. Buck was glad his friend had been able to sort out the strained relationship with his son.
„That’s good. I’m looking forward to seeing him too.“ Buck turned back to focus on his hands. He was fidgeting with the cuffs of his jacket, trying to find something to occupy his hands and mind.
„Are you okay? You seem out of it“ Eddie asked. Buck hadn’t noticed Eddie sitting down next to Buck. „Why did you go on a walk in the middle of the night?“
That’s definitely not where Buck wanted this conversation to go. But he also couldn’t lie to Eddie. Lies had never made any situation better.
„I had a few things to think about.“
Eddie huffed next to Buck.
„You’re making no sense at all, Buck.“ Buck turned to look back up, meeting Eddie’s gaze immediately.
God, why was he so beautiful?
„It’s nothing. Dixie just said a few things and they got me thinking. I needed to wrap my head around them, so I walked up to the waterfront. Sat there for a while to think.“ Eddie’s brows creased into a frown.
„Did she do anything? Say anything to upset you? I was getting bad vibes from her right away. She’s Blue’s mother, so I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I swear, that whole firehouse is just ripe with-“
„She didn’t do anything. And she didn’t upset me. She just… pointed out some things that I didn’t see beforehand.“
„Like what?“ Eddie turned further towards Buck, his brows still creased, concern edged into his face. He was always looking out for Buck. Always at his side, he always had his back. Eddie lifted a hand to Buck’s shoulder, resting his thumb in the hollow of his clavicle. His fingertips were grazing his neck over the collar of his jacket. Buck shivered involuntarily. „Buck, if you need help, you know I’m here. You just have to tell me-“
„I’m in love with you.“
The silence that settled over them was deafening. It settled like a weighted blanket, only this blanket was pressing down on Buck’s chest, making it hard to breathe. Why had he said that? He hadn’t wanted to reveal that. Ever.
„What?“ Buck hesitated looking at Eddie, but when he did, he didn’t see repulsion in his best friend’s eyes. He saw confusion.
„I’m so sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean to. I don’t know when it happened. Maybe when you got shot. Maybe after that. I never knew. I never noticed. Like, obviously I loved you, but as a friend. You’re my best friend. The only real friend I ever had. And I don’t want to screw everything up by making you uncomfortable. I never wanted this. I can just… I can just ignore it, I swear and-“
„Buck.“
„I swear and it will be like nothing ever happened. I’ll just push it away, you won’t even notice it. And I won’t even look at you if you don’t want me to, if that makes you uncomfortable…“
„Buck.“
„I’ll do anything you want me to. But I can’t lose you. Can’t lose Chris. You’re the most important people in my life and I don’t think I could-“
„Evan!“
Buck paused in his rant, his eyes locking with Eddie’s at the sound of his given name. The confusion in Eddie’s eyes had lifted. In its stead, Buck saw an incredibly soft look. It almost looked fond.
„It’s okay.“
Okay? How could anything in this situation be okay?
„Eddie, how can this be okay for you? You must be so uncomfortable. I mean, that’s borderline predatory behavior. You can’t be okay with this. You must hate me. I hate myself for this…“ Buck turned away from Eddie’s eyes again, looking down at his fingers that were knotted together, his knuckles turning white from the force he was using to keep them locked together.
Buck heard Eddie take a deep breath next to him.
Then he felt Eddie’s hand cupping his cheek, holding him, almost tenderly, moving his head so he looked back up.
„Don’t hate yourself. Not because of this. Not ever.“ There was such concern in Eddie’s eyes, so much fondness, Buck felt his throat close up. His eyes were stinging with tears. How could Eddie continue to be so amazing even after what Buck had just revealed?
The pair sat still like statues, Eddie’s hand cupping Buck’s head, his thumb caressing the apple of his cheek tenderly. Buck’s eyes were locked with Eddie’s and he must be mistaken, but all Buck could see reflected in those expressive brown orbs was… love.
„Eddie, I-“
Buck didn’t get to finish his sentence before Eddie leaned in and captured his lips in the softest of kisses. Their lips brushed together, a whisper of a touch. It was just one minuscule contact before Eddie pulled back, barely enough to fit a sheet of paper between them. They were sharing breaths, one, two, before their lips met again, this time more sure of what they were doing, slotting together in exploration, pressing close. Eddie’s other hand came up to rest on the back of Buck’s neck, pulling him closer.
Buck was dizzy and overwhelmed. Was this really happening? Buck clutched the front of Eddie’s shirt, holding on as if he would tumble over without that lifeline. Buck pressed closer to Eddie, their mouths warring for dominance. Buck shuddered when Eddie ran the tip of his tongue over Buck’s lower lip, teasing it and biting down slightly.
„Eddie, wait!“ As if shaken out of a dream, Buck pulled back. He put a mere few inches between them, his hands still clutching at the man in front of him, refusing to let him go, refusing to let him leave. „Eddie, you- you’re straight.“
Eddie huffed a laugh, resting his forehead against Bucks, nuzzling into his nose.
„Pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing this if I were straight“ he simply said, then dove back in, capturing Buck’s mouth vigorously.
Buck was in heaven. He had died and gone to heaven. Eddie was pushing closer to him than before, their kisses growing in intensity. Once more, Eddie was biting down on Buck’s lower lip, soothing the sensitive skin with his tongue, lapping at him like a man in a draught. His mouth opened involuntarily, a sigh escaping him that seemed to have been trapped within Buck for who knows how long. Eddie used that moment to invade Buck’s mouth, his tongue running over Buck’s teeth, licking into him, dancing with Buck’s own tongue in a sensuous battle.
Buck needed to be closer to Eddie, needed to feel him. All of him. Running his hands up Eddie’s chest, he pulled at the man’s neck to bring him closer. In response, Eddie pushed Buck’s jacket off his shoulders, trailing his hands over Buck’s arms, until their fingers tangled together.
Buck didn’t know who moved first, but before he could realize, they had moved up the bed, sprawling on the covers, Eddie leaning over Buck, his arms bracketing Buck’s head. Buck couldn’t help but run his hands over Eddie’s chest again, his fingers dipping beneath his shirt, eliciting a shudder and a soft moan from him.
„Shit, Buck, you’re killing me.“
Fuck. Those words went right to Buck’s groin. Momentarily, the monster called desire in Buck’s chest reared his head more violently. In one swift motion, Buck reversed their positions, pinning Eddie to the mattress and straddling the brunette’s hips. Hovering above Eddie, Buck took a second to just look at the man beneath him.
God, he was so beautiful.
A second too long, it seemed. Eddie’s eyes glinted before he rolled his hips up, connecting his groin with Buck’s. They were both undeniably hard.
„Fuck, babe, where did you learn that?“ Buck asked breathlessly, grinding down to connect their bodies once more. He was rewarded with a keening moan, Eddie reaching up to pull Buck down to him again, his arms locking around his neck, his mouth attaching to the edge of Buck’s jaw.
„Let’s just say I have a very active imagination“ Eddie said through breathy moans, his words punctuated by the trail of open-mouthed kisses he left on Buck’s jaw.
Buck rolled his hips slowly, Eddie meeting his motion thrust for thrust. Buck could feel himself leaking into his boxers. Judging by the sounds he was gifted with from Eddie, he wasn’t the only one.
Buck needed more. He needed to feel Eddie. Touch him, run his hands all over his form.
Moving his body, Buck slotted one leg between Eddie’s, pushing into the other man, feeling the hard length of Eddie’s cock sliding against Buck’s still clothed thigh as the other man immediately started rutting against Buck. Buck trailed his fingers down Eddie’s chest, teasing his nipples, which rewarded him with a guttural moan. He ghosted his touch down his stomach, following the hard line of Eddie’s abs, stopping just short of the seam of his sweatpants.
„Is this okay?“ Buck asked breathlessly, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. They hadn’t really talked about this yet.
„Don’t you dare stop now, Buckley.“ Buck grinned devilishly, his mouth finding purchase on Eddie’s neck, biting down slightly.
„Yes, Sir!“ Without wasting another moment, Buck’s hands trailed further south, under the waistband of his sweats.
Fuck. Eddie was going commando.
Buck’s hand felt like coming home when he palmed Eddie’s cock, his hands closing around him and moving once up and down his length, thumbing at his head.
„Fuck, Buck. I- don’t- fuck.“ Buck loved seeing Eddie so out of it, coming apart at the seams. He stroked his length a second time, a third, each stroke met eagerly by Eddie thrusting his pelvis up into Buck’s hand. Eddie’s hands, in turn, were roaming over Buck’s body, pushing at his shirt to get to the smooth skin of Buck’s stomach, his hands stopping again and again at the waist of his jeans, gripping tight and pulling closer.
„Off- jeans, too much clothes.“ Eddie stumbled over his words while Buck continued to work his hands over Eddie’s cock, the hot skin slick with precome. Eddie gripped Buck’s forearm, stalling his movements for a moment to open the fly of Buck’s jeans, pushing at the material until it was bunched at Buck’s knees. The front of Buck’s boxers was darkened and drenched by the continuous leaking of his cock.
Buck searched for Eddie’s eyes, looking for any indication that this was too much, that he had suddenly realized what they were doing and was freaking out because of it.
Eddie’s gaze only held a sense of hunger. A hunger for Buck. A hunger that Buck was only too glad to feed. Taking one of Eddie’s hands, he moved it to cup his own cock.
„This is what you’re doing to me“ Buck whispered, their eyes still locked. They were frozen for a beat, before their mouths met with more vigor than ever before, their hands moving in unison, Buck continuing to stroke Eddie’s dick, Eddie pushing at Buck’s underwear until his own cock sprang free, smearing precome over his stomach where it moved against his skin.
When Eddie’s hand closed around Buck’s length, the sound that left his throat was almost inhuman.
„Shit, fuck, Eds, I- yes, just like that!“
Buck tried to keep a steady rhythm working his hand over Eddie’s cock, but the sensations of Eddie’s hand around his own dick were making it hard to keep his hands from stalling. The angle was slightly awkward, their arms bumping against each other on the upstroke, their hips still grinding down and rolling up in stuttering motions.
And when their cocks brushed each other on the off beat, white noise crashed through Buck’s brain, rendering him what felt like brain dead.
„Fuck, yes, Eds!“ Buck found Eddie’s hand with his own, locking their fingers together, slotting Eddie’s cock alongside his own. Buck sat up further, moving his leg back to the outside of Eddie’s hip, straddling him properly.
In unison, their rhythm in sync, just like they had always been, at work or in life, they moved together, their cocks brushing against each other, again and again, entwined hands running over both their lengths, combining fluids, their breaths panting in a symphony of sounds.
„I’m so close, babe, so close. God, you’re so beautiful! Love you- so much“ Buck didn’t even realize what he was saying, just felt the need to voice his emotions, his movements mere jerks, uncoordinated, wayward.
„Buck, shit, I- wanted this- so long!“ At the sound of Eddie’s admission, Buck came with a groan, his hip stuttering, come painting Eddie’s stomach in languid strokes.
Eddie followed suit a mere second later, semen spilling over their entwined hands, combining with Buck’s spent.
Unable to hold himself up anymore, Buck collapsed on top of Eddie, his head finding a home in the other man’s neck, lips brushing lazily against the sensitive skin covering Eddie’s throat.
„That was…“
„Yeah…“
The pair stayed like this, wrapped around each other, sticky with sweat and come drying on their skin, until both felt they could breathe again.
„Should we talk about this?“ Buck braced himself for the regret he was sure he was going to find in Eddie’s eyes. They wouldn’t be coming back from this. This was going to change everything.
„I think we should.“
Buck reveled in the closeness to Eddie for another moment, then rolled onto his back next to his best friend. His pants were still bunched up around his knees, the fabric digging into his skin, cutting off circulation. Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked off his clothes, leaving him naked from the waist down. He’d rather lay like this than with his pants down.
Eddie reached over to his other side, grabbing the edge of the sheets from his bed, covering them up.
„I can’t talk about this with our dicks out“ he commented drily. Buck snorted. That man…
Despite the fact that they had both agreed to talk about this, neither was the first to speak for a while. They kept lying next to each other on the bed, their shoulders touching, their gazes upwards. Buck’s nerves were like electrical currents under his skin. He wanted to reach over and take Eddie’s hand, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to do so.
„I didn’t plan on this“ Buck eventually whispered, turning his head to look at Eddie. After a moment, Eddie turned to meet his gaze.
„Didn’t plan on what?“ Eddie asked. „The sex or telling me you’re in love with me.“
Buck winced at the blunt way Eddie said this. As if it wasn’t a world-changing incident. As if it was just a given fact, nothing to fret about.
„The being in love thing. I never thought sex would be in the cards at all,“ Buck clarified, then added after a deep breath, „I never wanted you to find out.“
Eddie frowned, his brow creasing deeply.
„Why didn’t you want me to find out?“ Buck might have imagined it, but Eddie almost sounded upset about this revelation. He heaved another sigh.
„Eddie… This is gonna change everything. I don’t… I couldn’t bear losing you. So I made peace with never telling you“ he tried to explain. „Well, it’s not like I had to keep it from you for long. This has been a more… recent discovery.“
Buck’s body was still tense. He still expected the blow up to happen any moment.
He didn’t expect Eddie to link his fingers with his own. Buck’s breath hitched at the contact. This might have been more intimate than anything they had done during the last hour.
„You’re never going to lose me, Buck.“ Buck saw Eddie’s eyes change from soft to glinting. „In fact, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to get rid of me now.“ Eddie reached out with the hand not currently entwined with Buck’s, caressing his cheek, before moving in to capture Buck’s lips with his own. It was the softest kiss, tender and sweet, promising a change soon to come. A good change. They didn’t need to take anything further again, it was a reassurance of a future that they would walk together.
When they broke apart again, Buck couldn’t help the smile graze his face. If someone had told him a year ago, hell, a week ago, where he would be right this moment, he wouldn’t have believed them.
„So this isn’t freaking you out?“ he couldn’t help but ask though. Eddie sighed, dropping his hand to rest on Buck’s chest.
„Why would I freak out? It’s not like I’m straight and had a drunk gay hook up that I’m regretting now.“
In Buck’s mind, there were other things Eddie could be freaking out about. But there were other things to unpack though.
„So, you’re not straight. Does that mean you’re…“ Buck didn’t want to assume anything, so he let the sentence trail off.
„Gay, Buck. That’s the word you’re looking for. I’m gay.“
„Oh. Okay.“ Buck turned to lay on his side, now fully facing Eddie. „How… when did you…“
„When did I realize?“ Eddie finished Buck’s sentence. Buck silently acquiesced with a nod. „I admitted it to myself in El Paso. But there were thoughts along that line before that. I talked to a priest once. He clocked me pretty easily.“
El Paso? That was over a year ago.
„Why didn’t you tell me?“ Buck asked quietly. „You held onto that knowledge for over a year without talking to anyone. I… did you think I would react badly?“
„What? No!“ Eddie frowned. For a guy who never peddled much with his own emotions, his face was ridiculously expressive. „Buck, I talked about this a lot with Frank. I had a lot of issues to work through that came with that realization. So I wasn’t alone with this.“
„But you never let on anything! Didn’t you want me to know?“
„First off, there were definitely signs that you would’ve read easily if you had had even an inkling that I might not be straight.“
Buck thought for a moment, thinking back to the last months since Eddie had come back to LA. His adamant refusal to date women made so much more sense now.
„Wow, I’m pretty stupid…“
„You’re not. You just didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle.“
„Why not?“
Eddie sighed deeply, letting himself fall back on his back again.
„Because telling you would inevitably have led to a conversation about how I realized that I was gay.“
„And you realized it because…“
„Because of you, Buck. I realized I was gay because I am in love with you.“
Buck’s brain short circuited for a moment, before rebooting. Eddie was in love with him?
„You… you’re in love with me?“
Eddie rolled his eyes.
„Obviously.“
„No, this is not obvious at all!“ Buck sat up so fast, he felt dizzy for a second. „You realize you’re in love… And then… Eddie, am I your Gay Awakening?“ The grin that spread across Buck’s face could only be described as shit-eating. Before Eddie could reply, Buck ambushed him, throwing himself at the man still lying in bed, enveloping him in his arms, nuzzling into his neck and pressing kisses to the exposed skin of Eddie’s shoulder.
„Oh my God, Buck, you don’t have to be so smug about it!“ Eddie groaned, but he wrapped his arms around Buck, too, holding him close, not letting Buck get back up.
„But Baby“ Buck cooed, trailing kisses up Eddie’s neck and along his jaw until he reached the man’s mouth. „I’m so honored you found me hot enough to question heteronormativity!“
„I swear to God, Buckley, I will throw your naked ass out into the hallway!“ Buck saw right through Eddie’s displeasure. He could hear the smile in his tone of voice.
The pair quietened down for a moment, content in their closeness, Buck once more nuzzled into Eddie’s side. Eddie, in turn, trailed his fingers up and down Buck’s spine, eliciting goose bumps on his skin even through the layer of clothing that Buck was still wearing.
„You said a year ago, in El Paso, you didn’t know if you wanted to come back home“ Buck said eventually. The conversation they had had just a few days ago, in the wake of his parents’ revelation about their divorce, rang loudly in the back of his brain. „If you were in love with me, why didn’t you want to come back?“
Eddie’s hand stilled on Buck’s back. He sighed.
„I didn’t say I didn’t want to come back, Buck. I said that I didn’t know if I was coming back“ he explained. „I felt like my heart was ripped out when I left LA, which I didn’t understand, because I was going to be with Chris. I knew it was the right thing to do, I needed to be where my son was. I didn’t know if I would come back to LA, because I didn’t know if Christopher would want to stay in Texas once we eventually worked through our issues. But seeing you in the rearview-mirror, knowing I was leaving behind the other half of my family, Buck, it hurt. Driving away from you… I never want to have to do that again.“
Buck felt the tears sting his eyes, his throat close up. He didn’t want to cry, but hearing that Eddie had felt similarly miserable at their parting validated to him that his feelings weren’t over the top or uncalled for. They had both hurt, they had both felt the same.
„You won’t have to“ Buck promised. „Because I love you.“
Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck, holding him tighter.
„I love you, too.“
Silence settled in the room, but this time, it wasn’t suffocating. It was soothing. It wrapped around them like angels’ wings, protective, warm, a blessing.
„Do you think Bobby knew?“ Buck whispered, not wanting to disturb the quiet around them. „Do you think he saw what we were too blind to see?“
„I don’t know Buck“ Eddie replied honestly. „Maybe he knew that we were always meant to end up here. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part that I’d be back with the 118 in time for the games. We’ll never know.“
Buck sighed again, his breath stuttering with emotions.
„I miss him.“ Eddie lifted his hand to rest it on the back of Buck’s head, his thumb running gently over the sensitive skin behind his ear.
„I miss him, too.“ He was silent for a moment, before continuing. „Before my Abuela died, she told me that love is a sign of God’s presence. I don’t know if I believe in God. But I always believed in Bobby. And I want to believe that he is keeping an eye on us. And that loving each other is a way to keep him close. Because he loved all of us. So much.“
Buck couldn’t help the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks, dampening the skin on Eddie’s neck.
„I like that thought…“
Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s temple. The shared rhythm of their breaths lulled Buck’s brain into a relaxed hum. He was comfortable, pressed so closely to Eddie, who he loved, and who was in love with him.
It really wasn’t so crazy, after all.
„Maddie is gonna give me the biggest ‚I told you so‘, when she finds out about this“ he muttered into Eddie’s neck.
„Why is that?“ Buck groaned. He didn’t want to go down that memory lane. It was both uncomfortable and embarrassing. Especially because he had never told Eddie what had happened to warrant that conversation with Maddie.
„She might have insinuated that me being in love with you wasn’t such a far fetched idea…“ he vaguely explained.
Actually, she had insinuated the same sentiment multiple times over the course of Buck and Eddie’s friendship.
Does that boy crush on Eddie mean you’re over Abby?
If there’s something that you need to tell Eddie, you will…
„You talked to her about me?“
„Well, that conversation actually started with Tom-“
„Do not say that name while we’re naked in bed. Actually, don’t say that name, period.“
Buck lifted his head, grinning devilishly down at Eddie.
„Why’s that, Eds? You jealous?“ Before Buck could finish his sentence, Eddie had flipped them over on the bed, boxing in Buck’s head between his arms, hovering over him.
„You want to finish that thought?“
In answer, Buck snaked his arms around Eddie’s waist, trailing his hands over the exposed skin. His fingers stuck on the dried mess still covering their bodies.
„Actually, I’d rather want a shower“ he announced, ducking under Eddie’s arms and slipping out of bed. He made his way towards the bath, shedding his shirt on the way. He stopped in front of the door leading into the next room.
„You want to keep me company?“ Eddie didn’t need to be told twice before he hopped out of bed, moving across the room and crowding Buck into the bathroom door. He nipped at Buck’s jaw.
„Thought you’d never ask…“
Maybe it took Buck a while to get to this point. Maybe he needed three people telling him what was right in front of his eyes. To see the pattern. All of that didn’t matter.
What did matter was the fact that Buck and Eddie were going home the next day. And that whatever would be lying in wait for them in the future, they would deal with it together.