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„That is the biggest joke to be yourselves“ George‘s voice rings through the tense atmosphere in Apple Studios in London. „Cause that was the purpose of going there, to India, to try and find who yourself really is“. „Yeah but we found out really y’know“ John mumbles quietly, but George pretends he didn’t hear that and keeps on talking „And if you were really yourself you wouldn’t be any of who we are now“ and with that he takes a long drag from his cigarette.
Paul bites his lips and looks down on his lap, uncomfortably „Mmh“ he mumbles visibly affected by Georges words. He can’t dare to look at John, because he is the main reason he has to act unnatural.
All this started in India or did it? The tension between him and John. The feelings. The yearning. The realisation that their bond maybe or quite definitely exceeds a bond between two friends, even between best friends. In some way, Paul knew all this before India, but had buried it deep, deep down inside of him. But there with the „find your true self thing“ it all flooded to surface. So he could say that he found out who he really is, but he did not like this enlightened version of his, he just wished it all went back to how it used to be. Because that was it with acting natural, he couldn’t act naturally when he was apparently in love with his best mate, a man.
„All act naturally then” John, unserious as always, tries to lighten up the mood. Paul glances slightly at him, he does not show any signs of nervousness. No, he always covers it up with a good joke. Paul cannot do that, anxiously he takes a drag of his cigarette and looks at the ceiling, lost in thought.
-
Paul is sitting on the couch with a scotch in his hand he made himself as soon as he came home from today’s session. At least Yoko wasn’t there today, what a rare occasion, kissing John right before his eyes. The mere thought of it makes Paul’s heart twist in jealousy. He tries to put the thoughts away, to be unbothered by it but he fails miserably. It wasn’t that bad with Cyn but with Yoko it feels somehow like John does it on purpose. Demonstrating it like, here Paul look I have Yoko and I don’t need you anymore. George is right. They’re all acting strange around each other, the feeling like it used to be, gone. Only the hope that someday, somehow, it will be like the good old days again keeps him going. But sometimes he feels like he is the only one that wants to go on with the band.
It knocks on the door. He‘s so lost in thought, that he does not hear the knocking until it transforms in an intrusive banging. He rolls his eyes, who the fuck would visit him so late. Linda and Heather are upstairs sleeping, hopefully the bastard did not wake them. As he opens the door he is taken aback - it’s John he sees, in his usual fur coat jacket.
„Can we talk?” John asks, his voice sounding a bit tense, which is unnatural for him but Paul is to distracted to notice. „What the fuck are you doing here in the middle of the night, banging at my door? Linda and Heather are upstairs sleeping, if you haven’t woken them up by now.“ John is unfazed by this „I‘m terribly sorry to disturb your wonderful domestic life but it seems that you were still very much awake, drinking, I’m assuming, by the smell of scotch coming from you. So, your domestic bliss can’t be that blissful.“
„Fuck of Lennon“ Paul is on his way to go back in and slam the door right into his face but John is faster and grabs Paul by the arm. The touch leaves an electrifying sensation that vibrates though his whole body. „Paul, I just wanna talk“ he sounds urgently „I‘ve been thinking constantly about what George said today“. That however catches Pauls attention immediately. So he was not that unaffected as he seemed by George‘s words.
Slowly he closes the door so that it leaves only a small gap to go back in. He turns around, puts his hands in his pockets and faces John „Go on then“ he tries to sound calm and unbothered but a nervous feeling creeps up his back „Well…“ John struggles to form the right words „Since India it seems that we haven’t really been ourselves. Our marriages broke and I don’t know something between us changed as well“ Paul gulps, avoiding his gaze. „And…“ John takes a deep breath, these next words he seems to find difficult to speak out loud „I feel to be the reason for that“
Surprised, Paul looks up, now it’s John that avoids directs eye contact. „Why is that?“ Paul ventures to ask. „Don’t act like you don‘t know what I‘m talking about. I take Yoko with me everywhere I go and that evidently fucks up everyone. But I can’t help it cos I do this cos…“ he struggles for words „and I have a drug problem. Well, maybe I wouldn’t call it a problem really but it’s slowly getting out of hand I think“ John takes a deep breath in, noticing that he’s rambling. Now more quietly he continues.
„And on top of that there is you Paul McCartney, occupying my entire mind“ How am I supposed to interpret that, Paul asks himself but he has no time to think about it, because John takes a step closer.
„You have your little family luck out here and I have Yoko so we both should be happy but I always dream of the past. When it felt different between us. When it felt real. I know it sounds stupid but… Well, the point I’m trying to make is that I‘m bad for the environment of the band and I just…“ Johns voice trembles „Fuck I‘m sorry, it‘s all my fault that the Beatles are on the verge of breaking up and I’m a selfish and jealous bast…“ Tears are glistening in Johns eyes. Paul can see a certain look of sadness and fear in the eyes that he knows so well. It breaks Paul‘s heart to see him struggling like that, does he really think only he is to blame for all of this?
„Hey John love look at me“ Paul takes Johns head in between his palms and moves his face so that he is forced to look right into his eyes. ,,It‘s not your fault, stop burden yourself with this. It’s my fault too, It’s the fault of us all, we all are going through a rough time, so stop blaming yourself, we will get through this. We got through everything together cos we have one another, John do you understand me?“
He presses his forehead onto John‘s like they always did when they’ve taken LSD, the ritual to look deep into each others eyes and see oneself in the other’s. But now this position is loaded with a buzzing tension, more than normally between them.
Pauls eyes drift away from John‘s, instead focusing on his thin lips, slightly opened. He feels his friends heavy breath on his skin, tingling with an excitingly sensation. On instinct Pauls lips open a bit and he lets out a shaky breath. „Paul“ John‘s voice is a mere whisper. He feels his hand grabbing his head as well, which makes him lean in more. Their lips are now almost touching. Paul‘s heart is hammering in his chest, it feels like it would jump out of his body in seconds to finally take what it wanted for so long.
They move excruciatingly slow, inch by inch, their lips still not touching but already feeling the hot breath of the other on the lips.
Then finally, their lips touch and delicately capture each other, like two shy teenagers kissing for the very first time. The kiss is timid until John moves his hands to cup Paul’s face and pull him closer, wanting more of his tender lips. Ecstatic, Paul gives in and lets John explore his mouth further. His beard tickles John in a delightful way. Both men are now taken by the desire for each other, they’ve kept locked away for so long. The kiss grows hungrier and vigours as John slips his tongue into Paul‘s mouth.
He presses Paul against the door, which thereupon closes accidentally, but the two are too busy to notice. John’s hands are slowly making its way down to grab Paul‘s butt. As he squeezes the soft flesh Paul lets out a surprised gasp. „Fuck John“ he breaths and looks at him, both of their lips slightly red and swollen. Within seconds their lips find each other again. Paul puts his hands on Johns hips to pull him further in.
Gasping for air they slowly release the kiss, pressing their foreheads together again. Paul drinks in the look of John’s messy hair and swollen lips. He can’t believe it was him that left John like that, that he kissed John Lennon and most importantly that he reciprocated the kiss.
„So you felt it too, the always lingering tension between us?“ Paul asks carefully „Fuck yes and it was killing me, you’re driving me crazy Macca since I‘ve met you“ Paul smiles, but then really progresses what John just had confessed ,,Wait, I‘ve been driving you crazy since you‘ve met me?“ „Yeah of course Paulie,“ John chuckles „but I‘m not mad at you for realising your feelings so late. I was always a bit ahead of you.“
Paul had always felt something special for John but was to scared to name it, so yes maybe John had a point there, he was not as brave as him, admitting that he was attracted to men, or better say one man.
„Shut up“ Paul feigned to be offended „Make me“ John grinned teasingly and Paul crashed his lips on John‘s again.
„So you only brought Yoko with you that much cos you tried to make me jealous?“ Paul was dying to ask that question since the beginning of their conversation.
They are still standing on the porch, Paul leaning against the door with John right before him. John’s hands are laying on Pauls chest while Paul is softly fiddling with Johns hair.
„Maybe“ he admits reluctantly „Did it work?“ Paul chuckles, his finger tracing along Johns jaw „Oh, quite well“. John can’t help but to smirk proudly. „You said you were jealous yourself earlier, of whom, Linda?“ Paul asks curiously. „Yes of course, whom else should I be jealous of?“ John admits honestly. „You seemed so happy with Linda, I was scared that you wouldn’t need me anymore.“ „I‘ll always need you Johnny“.
Brushing John‘s hair behind his ear he chuckles slightly „You could use a shower honey“. „We could shower together“ John retorts flirtatiously, as he bends down to kiss Paul’s neck softly. Paul bites his lips at the thought of that. „Mmh. I would like that“. He feels the slight smile of John’s on his neck and leans his head against the wooden door to grant John more area of his neck. He closes his eyes and wishes that time would stop right here and then and that they could stay forever in their little own world without facing the consequences of their actions that unfolded this night.
His thoughts are disrupted as John starts biting softly at his throat, causing him to let out a whine. „The noises you make are so beautiful“ John mumbles into his neck. Paul’s cheeks turn into a rosy tone. John lets his arm slip under Paul’s sweater to touch his hardening nipple, leaving him whimpering.
His cock, already half hard due to the makeout session, is now pressing uncomfortably against his jeans. John notices this too. His hand abandons Paul’s nipple to grab the bulge in his pants. Paul hisses and looks down at John’s hand stroking his cock through his jeans.
Greedy with lust John’s hands open the button of his jeans but before he pulls down the zipper he looks at him „Can I?“ Paul can do nothing than to nod eagerly. This is enough for John to jank down his trousers. A damp spot is already visible on his briefs. John has fantasised about this a lot, which makes him hard to believe that this is the reality now.
He goes down on this knees and pulls Paul‘s briefs down. His own cock is pressing painfully hard against his jeans, begging to be released, but he can ignore that feeling for now with Pauls cock so enticingly in front of him, already leaking with precum. He gives his cock a good stroke and then takes him by the shaft to lick the tip of his head while keeping his eyes locked with Paul‘s.
Paul whines, soaking in the picture of John kneeling on the ground in front of him, seconds away from sucking him off. Teasingly John begins to suck at the tip of Pauls cock. „John please“ Pauls desperate whimpers resound through the lonely night.
This is enough for John to take Paul deep into his mouth. He begins to suck, looking up now and then to relish the look of pleasure on Paul’s face. His cheeks are in a deep red now, lips parted, eyes fixated on him. „Fuck“ Paul moans and runs his hand through his own long grown brown hair „I won‘t last long“. Only a few seconds later his knees already begin to shake, but there is nothing to steady himself other than John himself. So he grabs his hair for stability. Automatically he pounds forward, pushing his cock up to John‘s throat which makes him choke around his cock. Paul let out a loud grunt „God, I‘m so close“.
Paul is a whimpering mess, his hand clawing into John‘s head painfully while he fucks his mouth erratically. Then, with a deep and guttural moan, he comes hard and John swallows the hot fluid filling his throat. Panting heavily, Paul slowly comes down from his high. He can taste himself on his mouth as John grabs him by the neck and kisses him tenderly.
Slowly Paul lifts Johns coat. He finds his hard length and starts rubbing, causing John to moan into the kiss. But as he fiddles with his belt John puts his hand above Paul‘s to stop him from moving.
„You don‘t have to do that now. Not that I don’t want it. In the contrary I want it desperately and so much more. But it‘s the middle of the night and we‘ve been on your porch for quite some time already. Even though this is a very quiet area let’s not risk things. Instead let’s safe it for another day.“ Paul nods and can’t help to be a bit disappointed but John is right. He pulls his own briefs and pants back up.
„Okay you’re right. I probably should go inside.“ His hands cup John‘s face to kiss him deeply one last time. John kisses the palm of his hand „Good night Paul“ he smiles wholeheartedly „Good night John“.
Unwillingly Paul turns to open the door, there he notices that it is looked. „Shit“ he rumbles in his pocket; no key to be found. „What is it?“ „The door, I didn’t took me keys with me because I of course didn’t expected it to take so long and as we were… busy the door must have closed accidentally.“
Paul runs nervously through his hair, he can‘t ring the bell at that time. Linda will become suspicious. She already hinted at the subject of his relationship with John far to much for Paul’s liking. If she’d see them now with their flushed faces and swollen lips she would definitely know. Someday he‘d have to tell her but not now, not this way.
„What should we do?“ Paul looks at John concerned. „Can you slip in somewhere?“ „No I don‘t think so.“ he rubs his beard, worried. „I dunno, you surely know how it get in somehow, it’s not like this is your first affair“. Affair? This word evokes an uneasy feeling inside of him. Insecurity fills his chest. John does not mean it, it can never be a real thing, with a man. He’s not a queer. How foolish we is to believe it could be more.
„Affair?“ Paul’s voice trembles „I don‘t want this to be another of our stupid affairs.“ John, realising what he‘d said, sighs and cups Pauls cheeks „Me neither Paulie, me neither believe me. I was just speaking without thinking, like most of the times. I love you Paul.“ The confession leaves him speechless, the only thing he can do in response is to kiss those lips again, while a tear of relief slowly runs down his cheek. „I was so scared when I realised. I was too scared that it was just me who felt more. That it is only one sided. But I love you too Johnny.“
„Come with me. Come home with me for tonight. Yoko is out of town. Leave a note saying you left with me cos I had some epiphany with a song and needed your help or I dunno. We‘ll come up with something that sounds believable.“ Paul nods, the idea is not that bad and even more he likes the idea of sleeping besides John tonight. „Yeah that sounds quite good actually“ Paul agrees. John brushes the brown hair out of his face, looking at him enamoured. „No need to worry darling. We’ll get this sorted. We went through so much together.“ Paul smiles.
In John’s car they find something to write and slip the note through the door. It‘s the least they can do. Paul knows it‘s not going to be easy, he adores Linda, he loves her deeply but there is this boy that he‘d do anything for, who doesn’t leave his mind since 1957. With whom he has a connection undeniably strong that no other human can surpass. And he is beyond happy that this boy feels the same for him. That all these pent up feelings finally broke their chains, makes him feel like he‘s spit out reborn.
,,Besides that, you owe me something“ John winks at him as the make their way back to his car „You horny teenager“ he pushes John playfully away and smiles. The chilly night air brushes his face.
He’s still smiling in the car, looking at John, the headlights illuminating the street in a mellow light. John’s vision is focused on the street but he too is smiling softly. At least when they’re alone, just the two of them, they can finally act natural.