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The Captain sighed, stirring their coffee. It had only been a few days since the Invincible II had landed, and free time had been essentially nonexistent. The workload wasn’t unusual, far from it, but trying to habitate a completely unfamiliar planet was an entirely different ballpark from being captain of a ship. It was late now, later than they normally would have been awake, but sleep could wait. They needed to talk to Mark.
The two had exchanged enough knowing looks and vague references to make it clear that they both remembered, though in all honesty the Captain had known since the moment they’d walked to the window with him, staring out at the new planet. They weren’t entirely sure how he remembered; at the beginning of their adventure he didn’t seem aware of the actions that his future self had made in the past. They shook their head. That was too many tenses for one thought. The point was, the two hadn’t gotten the chance to actually talk about what happened, and it was eating up the Captain from the inside. Mark had been so on edge the last few days, flinching a little too easily, assuming he was in trouble instead of perking up when his name was called. They needed him to know that they understood, that they weren’t angry. Not at him.
There was also a smaller part of the Captain, a selfish, desperate part they tried their best to ignore, that wanted to know if Mark thought less of them after everything. They certainly thought less of themself, especially when they dwelled on it for too long. They should have realized the danger of the warp core sooner, should have been faster to figure out what was going on, should have communicated better with Mark. That was their job as the captain of the ship, and they’d failed, and everyone they knew and loved were almost destroyed as a result. They owed everyone an apology.
Mark was the only one who would even know what they were apologizing for.
A knock at the door of their quarters startled them out of their thoughts. “Come in.”
The door slid open and Mark stepped inside, smiling expectantly. “Hi, Captain! You wanted to talk?” The Captain nodded, and Mark’s smile wavered a little bit as he evidently realized that the conversation wasn’t going to be about the construction of the new medical building or test results on potentially edible plant samples. “…Something wrong?”
The Captain took a sip of coffee and stood from their desk chair, sitting on the couch and gesturing for Mark to sit next to them. He hesitated for a moment, then carefully joined them on the couch. Mark’s knee bounced as he sat, a habit the Captain had noticed what felt like millenia ago when they’d first started working together. They took a moment to try and figure out how to formulate their thoughts; this meeting wasn’t about anything, really. “No… nothing’s wrong. I just… I believe I owe it to you. To talk.”
Mark look confused for a second, then his gaze drifted to the floor. “…Oh.” It was hard to tell, but the Captain was sure his eyes were a little glossier than they should have been. It was as though they’d just told him he was fired.
“Are you alright?”
Several emotions flickered across Mark’s face, too many to count, and any semblance of the cheery, if somewhat anxious demeanor he’d had only moments before was suddenly replaced by dozens of charged emotions flooding in all at once. He made a noise almost like a laugh. “Am I… am I alright?” He swiped his face with his sleeve, confirming the Captain’s suspicion.
The Captain blinked. They weren’t sure how they’d expected him to respond, but it wasn’t this. “That’s what I asked, yes.”
“Sorry… sorry.” Mark’s breath was shaky as he exhaled, blinking rapidly. Then he nodded resolutely and sat up straight, as if resetting himself. “I’m fine, Captain. Everything’s going according to plan.”
“I’m… not talking about that.” The Captain scooted over on the couch, trying to meet Mark’s eyes. “You know I’m not talking about that.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mark, but his voice was squeaky and small, like he’d been caught in a lie.
“Mark.”
“Captain.”
“Mark.”
“Why am I still here?” The words were sharp; sudden. Mark’s eyes were burning holes in the floor now, a tear silently slipping from one of them and sliding down his face. “Why haven’t you gotten rid of me?”
The Captain’s chest ached, and too many words formed in their head, slamming together and rendering them unable to answer.
Mark’s voice was nearly a whisper, a shadow of what it had been mere moments before. “Captain, I… I don’t understand. Do you understand? I hit you over the head with a fire extinguisher. I ripped the warp crystal from your hand. I blamed you for everything because I couldn’t accept that it was me, it was always me, Captain, I…” He fully sobbed this time, turning his head away so the Captain wouldn’t see. “I’m sorry.”
The Captain stared. This was so sudden, and there were so many things they wanted to say. You didn’t know. I’m sorry too. It’s my job to take care of you, it was my job to know. I would have done the same. It’s okay. But none of those words came out; instead they collided over and over until they were a big mess on the floor of their brain. They put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, hoping that got the point across in the meantime.
Finally, Mark looked at them, and they saw for the first time since they’d destroyed the warp core how exhausted he was. It was in his face; his bloodshot, teary eyes; the way he held himself. As he met their eyes, he shattered.
The Captain startled as Mark broke down, burying his face in his hands. They moved almost instinctively, pulling him into a tight hug and carefully pushing his hands from his face. He continued to apologize over and over, the words mangled and gradually turning into a muddled mess much like the ones that refused to exit the Captain’s mouth. They shook their head, rubbing his back as they continued to hold him.
“I dream about it every night, Captain. The warp core. I was s-so angry, so fucking convinced… it never crossed my stupid goddamn mind that it was me.. and… and there you were, p-putting your trust in me, and I couldn’t do the same, and… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, Captain. I’m… I’m so tired.”
“I know,” said the Captain, because it was the only thing they knew how to say. “I know.”
They stayed like that for a while, and the Captain slowly sorted through their thoughts. It was like playing Solitaire, trying to sort all of them into their own groups so they made sense. They’d always been annoyed at how long it took; it seemed like sorting out even the most complicated thoughts was instantaneous for everyone else. But Mark was always patient, even when it took them far too long to finish and by the time they’d thought up a reply the conversation had moved on. He would pause it for them.
“I’m not upset with you,” they said finally. “I never was.”
“Why?” Mark choked out. “I… I nearly destroyed the universe. It was my fault all that happened in the first place.”
“It took me just as long to figure it out, and I’m the captain. Anything that happens on this ship is my responsibility.”
“But it was my fault! Y-you couldn’t have known. You were trusting me just like you were supposed to, and I hurt you for it.”
They pulled back to look Mark in the eyes, chest aching again at the sight of the tears running down his face. They pulled their sleeve over their glove and carefully brushed it along his cheek, soaking up some of the tears. “You were doing everything you could with the information you had. Based on what you knew, I looked pretty damn guilty.”
Mark sniffled. “So did I.”
“Sure, but what kind of person suspects themselves?” The Captain smiled softly, shaking their head. “No wonder the Lady thought we were conspiring to destroy the universe. The more we tried to figure out what was going on, the guiltier we both looked. And there’s a reason she thought I was the main culprit.”
Mark laughed through his tears. “Because you’re too beautiful and/or handsome to be second fiddle?”
The Captain snorted, pushing him playfully but not hard enough to release him from the hug. “…Not what I was getting at, but we’ll go with it.” Their tone softened, and they squeezed Mark’s shoulder again. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”
“…Promise?”
The Captain nodded, smiling through the tears that were beginning to prick their own eyes. “I promise.”
Mark sniffled and leaned on their shoulder again, closing his eyes. “You really are the greatest captain, you know that?”
“And you’re the greatest head engineer.”
Mark’s body grew heavier, and the Captain could feel the mix of exhaustion and gratitude seeping off of him. “Thanks, Cap’.”
They closed their eyes, leaning their head against Mark’s. It wouldn’t be the first time the Captain had fallen asleep out of bed; much like Mark, they had a tendency to work until they were on the verge of collapse. It was, however, the first time they were completely content to do so. They felt Mark’s breathing slow as he drifted off, and they weren’t far behind him. They wouldn’t be needing that coffee, after all.