Work Text:
Dennis was fine.
Really. He was fine.
The anxiety he woke up with was just a buzz under his skin now, constantly there and vibrating, but he could continue working. He only had three hours left of his shift; he could do it. The patients needed him and worst of all; he couldn't face asking Robby to go home early.
What reason would he even give to him?
“Sorry, it feels like a hive of bees has made home under my epidermis. I need to go home before they escape and start attacking people.”?
No.
Three hours wasn't that long. He could do it.
--
Dennis tied off the sixth and final knot of an arm laceration, placing the needle and tweezers in the tray, before looking back up at his patient
“Now Mrs. Barker, make sure you keep the wound clean and dry, avoiding submerging it in any body of water. I'll grab you some spare dressings and you'll need to change the dressing every 2-3 days and come back in 7 days for us to remove the stitches for you,” Dennis said with a monotone voice, barely looking at her in the face, let alone making eye contact. But a voice rang through his head, sounding suspiciously like his mother, telling him that he was being unapproachable again, so he forced out a tight-lipped smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, hoping to fix his mistake.
“Thank you, Dr. Whitaker.” Mrs. Barker replied
Dennis stood from the stool at the bedside and walked towards the waste bin, taking a deep inhale, looking at his watch.
50 minutes left. He could do this.
He snapped off his gloves, throwing them away and took another deep breath, closing his eyes and reached up to sanitize his hands from the wall mount.
His hand missed the bottle, sending his fingernail colliding with the wall, scratching at the white paint. Immediately, his whole body jolted back. The feel of his nail scratching the wall caused his head to jerk violently to the side as a sound, halfway to a gasp but almost a hiccup, was ripped from his throat.
Then it happened again.
His head jerked once more, the sound louder this time.
No. Dennis thought Not here, not now. Please.
But of course, his pleads were ignored and his head was jerking again, and again.
“Are you okay, Dr. Whitaker?” Mrs. Barker asked, seeing his uncontrollable movements.
Dennis felt his body go flush, becoming aware that not only has someone seen him do that, but a patient saw him.
Just go away, please leave me alone. Stop please.
But it didn't go away. Instead, the jerking of his head became more violent, the hiccupping noise louder, he had to leave. He couldn't do this in front of her.
“I'm fine, Mrs. Barker” He rasped between the gasps for air, “I'll be back in just a moment”
His eyes were trained on the ground as he left the exam room. His hands by his side, flexing, trying his best to focus on anything other than the movements being forced from his body. But it didn't work.
Of course, it didn't.
How could he be so stupid to think that he could be a doctor when he has been plagued by this since he was a teen?
The ED was busy as always, gurneys rolling past him, patients screaming, his coworkers running past him. The noise was overwhelming, the smell of antiseptic making his head go fuzzy, the thick heat sticking to him and his head would not stop jerking!
He needed air.
Somewhere no one could find him, so the ambulance bay was out of running.
He couldn't face the idea of more people seeing him like this, not in control, with sounds being ripped from him, unable to calm down.
On autopilot, he headed for the stairwell and started to run up the stairs. The sound of his rushed footsteps echoed, punctuated by the hiccupping noise that was now more frequent. When he finally reached the door to the roof, he shoved it open, the immediate relief of the cool evening air hitting his body. His back hit the wall behind him, his knees buckling, sending him to the floor.
It was getting hard for him to breathe now, the hiccupping taking over, not allowing him to take a full breath.
He needed to calm down.
He knew this.
But the jerking movements were all he could focus on, making them become more vicious, his head colliding with the brick wall behind him over and over again. His eyes were rolling around; his lids being forced open the shut repeatedly, the view of the roof coming in and out of focus.
The dull thud at the base of his skull, combined with the lack of oxygen, was now making him lightheaded. Maybe if he was lucky, he would pass out and this would pass. Maybe then the full body heaving would stop.
He doesn't know how long he sat there, not in control of his body. The memories of being back at the farm, the first time this happened flashed behind his eyes.
-
He was 13 again.
It started with a cough. A low grunting, almost like he was clearing his throat, but he wasn't sick. His body felt fine, he didn't have a fever or a sore throat, so why was he coughing? And he couldn't stop it. He tried so hard to stop it when the urge came; he held it in only for it to burst out a second later, louder, harder, hurting this time. The noise lasted three days before his mother said anything.
“Are you sick? Because if you are, you know your father won't let you have a day off on the farm” His mother had said.
“I'm fine, ma. I just keep making this sound for some reason. Can't stop it,” Dennis replied.
“Well, try harder. It's getting annoying”
Dennis went a deep shade of red as he left the kitchen and went back to his room.
A couple days later he woke up and now his head was twitching. At first it was a subtle cock of his head to the side, but as the day went on and he got more tired, it had progressed to a harsh yank, making his neck click and hurt.
When his father had seen him do this, he pulled him back to the barn and closed the door behind him, pushing Dennis on to the floor.
“You have the devil in you, boy, and he's trying to take over your body.” Dennis’s father grunted, looming over him as he cowered with his back to a bale of straw.
“Turn around.” It wasn't a question and Dennis knew it, all he could do was comply.
-
He still had the scars on his back from where the belt stuck him; they ached and itched in the winter, when the weather gets colder and his skin starts to pull.
That wasn't the last time his father tried to beat the devil out of him, spouting bible verses as he did, but it was the time that he remembered most vividly. That was the time that haunted him the most.
Dennis’ ears were ringing so loud, so caught up in his memories and the movement of his body that he didn't hear the roof door opening and two pairs of footsteps entering his space.
“Whitaker?”
--
Robby knew something was off with Whitaker today. His eyes were shifting around more than usual but never meeting anyone else. He was wringing his hands as he asked for second opinions on diagnoses, more anxious than ever to be wrong. But every time he went to go and talk to him, he got pulled away to something else. Another trauma came in, another resident needed his help with their charting, Gloria pulled him away to berate him for the patient satisfaction scores.
But now, the night shift had slowly started to trickle in.
He found Jack, his greying curls shining in the fluorescent lights by his locker. Oh, how he had missed his husband.
He needed to talk to Jack about Whitaker.
After a short stint on the night shift together, Jack had come home and told him that he understood his obsession with the intern. How he followed instructions well, knew what he was talking about but didn't have an ego the size of Texas to back it up, and he was cute too. From then on, at shift change, not only did they hand over patients, but Robby also shared stories of what Whitaker had done that day.
Some would call it pining; Robby and Jack called it professional admiration and keeping track of their interns.
Robby walked up to Jack, wrapping himself around his back and nuzzling his face into his neck, breathing in the clean smell of vanilla, pine and something else that was just purely Jack.
“I missed you today, Yankel” Robby said into Jack's neck, placing a small peck there.
Jack let out a low chuckle, before turning himself around and pulling Robby into a proper hug.
“Missed you too, Misha”
They both stayed there for a few moments, neither wanting to have to separate and go into work mode.
"Want to do handover on the roof? Just us?” Jack said as he finally pulled away from his husband, a small smile twitching at his lips.
“Lead the way” Robby replied, a smile now forming on his face, his eyes starting to crinkle at the sides.
The walk up was silent until Jack cleared his throat and asked, “how was the puppy today?”
Puppy
That's what they had started calling Dennis after they had heard part of a conversation between Santos and him.
- “You walk around with those big, sad and wet eyes, following people around like lost puppy"
“I do NOT”-
From then on, when talking about the younger man to each other, they rarely used his name and just called him puppy. It also helped that it meant no one would know that they were talking about Dennis if they overheard them speaking. It was common knowledge that Jack and Robby were together, so they hoped that people would just think that they had a new pet that they were worried about.
Robby took a deep breath, the exertion from the stairs making it slightly harder “Something’s wrong with him today. He was more anxious than usual. I kept on trying to talk to him but kept being pulled away”
Jack made a small sound that was full of worry “Santos say anything to you?”
“Nothing that would explain it” Robby said, sounding defeated.
They reached the door to the roof, Jack faced Robby and looked at him, his eyebrows drawn in concern “let's try and catch him before he leaves, make sure he's okay”
Robby smiled softly at Jack; he loved seeing him grow more soft towards the boy that he had been so fond of the past couple of months. Robby pushed the door open and stepped out onto the roof, the feel of the cooling evening air hitting his sweaty skin. It was loud up there, the sound of sirens and the general buzz of Pittsburgh below them, but through those expected sounds, a new, different sound cut through. It was a combination of a sob, hiccup and gasp all at once, followed by a loud thud.
Then he heard it a second time, then a third.
Robby looked around, trying to locate the source of the noise and found the small heap of a person against the wall. Their body looked as if it was convulsing, their head hitting the wall from the jerky movements, the sound ripping through their body in a way that must have hurt.
“Jack, shit, help” Was all he could say to the man who was yet to step out onto the roof, before he ran off to the side of the person up there.
Jack followed quickly, hearing the slight panic in Robby's voice, barely processing the words he had said, before he was stood next to his husband, staring down at the shaking lump of a man below him.
“Whitaker?” Robby said, his voice low as he crouched down, taking off his hoodie and placing it behind Dennis's head to soften the blow.
“Is this a seizure? Because if it is, I've never seen one like this before,” Jack said, trying to be heard over the sound of the wind and the hiccupping noise coming from Dennis.
Robby took a moment and observed the younger man in front of him, his head was being yanked to the side forcefully- colliding with the wall behind him, now soften by his hoodie, his eyes were rolling into the back of his head, with his eyelids opening and closing every couple of seconds and the sound of a sharp inhale then hiccup ripped through him repeatedly.
This wasn't a seizure.
“I don't think it is," Robby said to Jack, trying to remember anything he could from Dennis' personal file that would explain what was happening to the boy in front of them.
“Hey, Whitaker, can you hear me?” Robby said to him, placing his hand on his shoulder, not squeezing like he usually did, but just placed there to get his attention.
He saw Dennis’ eyes try to fight the rolling movement to look over to him, but failed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head once more, his eye lids being forced shut and his eyebrows shooting up.
“Dr Ro-hm, Rob-Robby?” Dennis’ small voice stuttered
“Hey kid, what's going on?”
Dennis didn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the words to explain, but realised he didn't know what was happening. After he left Broken Bow, these involuntary movements had rarely appeared, he barely thought about them, so he never sought out a reason for them happening, nor did he have an actual name for what they were.
“I-I don't know” Dennis managed between gasps “It won't st-hm- it won't stop”
Robby looked over at Jack, who had stayed silent through this exchange, he was studying the scene in front of him with his brow furrowed again, watching his husband try to be as calming as possible while he himself was trying to diagnose.
“Tics” Jack finally said “these are tics, not a seizure.” he said to Robby.
Robby pursed his lips and let out a breath; it hurt him to see Dennis like this.
“How can we help, Dennis?” Jack said
Dennis tried to take a breath, but it came all shaky and uneven, trying hard to form a sentence without stumbling his way through it.
“I don't know-” he gasped again “Just talk to me?”
His body was still twitching, but his words becoming more clear
“That I can do,” Jack let out a small huff of a laugh, “you know, Dr. Ellis has told me that I am a quote ‘certified yapper' end quote, so puppy, talking to you is something I can definitely do for you”
Jack crouched down beside Dennis, letting himself fall to the floor next to him and got comfortable resting with his back against the wall, Robby doing the same on the other side of Dennis, sandwiching him between them. Dennis looked so small like this, almost broken and exhausted, so if he needed Jack to just talk then that is exactly what he will do.
“You know,” Jack started, “the first time I ever saw the ocean was when I was deployed. I grew up in Maryland, but we never went on vacations when I was a child, so the first time I saw the ocean was when I was flying over it to go to Afghanistan. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The way the light hit the waves, all the different colours that you could see just by shifting your gaze slightly. I was enthralled by it. It was the only thing that got me through my deployment, the hope of coming back home and getting to finally see it properly. Feel the waves against my skin, to know if it was hot or cold and to know how the salt stuck to me, it's all I could think about while I was there. And once I came back, even though I was half a leg down and angry at the world, I still thought of the ocean. Until one day I decided I didn't want to just think about it anymore." Jack paused briefly, noticing the slowing of Dennis’ movements and continued “I wanted to see it, to feel it. That was just after I met Robby for the first time, and I asked him to come with me. And he said yes. So, we both went to the beach, that is one of my favourite days of my life. Getting sand everywhere and finally feeling the ocean water against my skin. It made me feel weightless and calmed my mind in a way that I have never been able to replicate with anything else. When I was in the ocean, it was like I wasn't this angry and traumatised 20 something year old man, but I was just a speck in the grand scheme of life, just floating. One small dot in the vast ocean, my problems didn't exist there." Jack paused again, looking up at Robby, who's eyes were shifting between each of the men in front of him, a look of pure adoration across his face.
“We now try to make it out to a beach at least once or twice a year, so I can experience that level of calm again. You should come with us next time, experience it for yourself.”
The jerking of Dennis's head had now stopped enough that he could look over to Jack, the hiccupping sound coming less often now too.
“Come with you?” Dennis's voice was small, almost childlike, making him seem just that bit smaller, “You want me to come with you?”
Jack met his sad eyes that still blinked repeatedly up at him.
“We would love it for you to come with us, right Misha?” Jack said with a smile spreading across his face
“Absolutely, come with us, Dennis” Robby said, assessing how Dennis's movements had pretty much ceased, his body letting out only the occasional twitch now and then, rather than the full body shakes that were happening moments prior.
Dennis let out a small hum in agreement, exhaustion taking over him as his body only lets out half-hearted shakes, his eyes shutting but staying like that this time.
Robby reached out and gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder, not allowing him to fall asleep on them, "Sorry Dennis, we can't have you falling asleep up here”, he said, barely above a whisper directly into Dennis’ ear, getting a shiver and a whimper from the boy in response.
“I know, we're sorry, but you hit your head pretty hard and we just want to get you a CT to make sure that everything is okay. We don't have to talk about what happened right now, but we do want to talk about it. For now, just let us get you checked out, then Robby can take you home, okay?” Jack said, swiping the sweaty curls from out of Dennis’ eyes.
“Okay” Dennis agreed.
Robby was the first to stand, holing his hand out to Dennis and pulled him up beside him, then did the same for Jack, who picked up the hoodie that had now fallen to the floor. The three men walked back inside together but eventually split up with Robby and Dennis going off to get the CT done and Jack down to the ED to start his shift.
“Come and find me when it's done” Jack said to them both.
“We will” Robby replied, Dennis giving a small hum in agreement as he gave one more noncommittal hiccup.
--
By some miracle, Dennis was able to lay still for his head CT and he and Robby found themselves back in the ED staff room waiting for the results. They were sat on the couch, Dennis’ head propped against Robby's shoulder, fading in and out of consciousness, the exhaustion finally threatening to take over him.
The silence was broken by Jack opening the door and walking in, grabbing one of the chairs and dragging it towards the two men, sitting down facing them both.
“Good news, pup” Jack started, “there is no brain damage, maybe just a low-level concussion if anything, so you are free to go home”
“Home?” Dennis parroted, the thought of stringing a sentence together too difficult.
“Yeah, Dennis, I'll take you home” Robby smiled at him, his hand wrapping around his shoulder, rubbing up and down.
Dennis’ breathing started to pick up, thinking of going back to Trinity's place.
Oh God.
What was he going to say to her?
“Trini'y?” he mumbled
“Don't worry about her, we've already text her. you're coming to our home tonight, so Robby can keep an eye on you.” Jack shushed.
“All three of us are off tomorrow, so we will have a talk then, okay? We’ll figure this out together, pup” Robby whispered.
“Together?" Dennis asked, so soft it was barely audible.
Jack reached out and placed his hands in Dennis’ hair, ruffling the curls around his head.
“Yeah, pup, together”.