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It’s been so rough, and so tiring living in your mind. You hate Caleb. You’ve hated him enough to avoid seeing him, to refuse to stay in the same rooms as him or even be awake at the same times as him. You’re so envious and obsessed with him that you’re scared of losing him. Watching him get too close to others in fleet, even with the knowledge that he can’t even gain true friendships because of the Toring chip still ticks you off, and watching him rekindle flames of past friendships after he's done with work really grinds your cold and rusty gears. You don't want him to have anyone else but you.
Your jealously is uncontrollable.
It's gotten to the point you're doing the most pettiest things just to keep him out of your life. You've stopped wearing the dog tag that you'd cherished with your whole heart. Sometimes, you'd mimic the same gestures he does with his own to ease the discomfort in your heart but now all you can do is rip at your chapped lips to calm yourself down. The ceramic apple bracelet he bought for you on your birthday were thrown angrily into one of the unused vanity drawers out of spite for 'what he's done to you'. You've even gotten to the point of removing the emojis from his name in your contacts and changing it to his name, as if he meant nothing to you anymore. You refused entertain any posts that could even make you think about him from cooking videos, to apples, dogs, planes, hell even anything to do with gravity and the colour orange, you avoided it's a sin to indulge in such medias anymore. You didn't want any memories of him to linger in your mind.
The right and more sensible option was to communicate your feelings, your discomforts and self doubt that lingered inside that empty cavity of your heart like a normal person would. If you could think normally for once, the outcome would be more than positive with Caleb gently rub your knuckles as you anxiously poured your heart out to him. He'd softly whisper comforts into your ear and make you feel better but that's not what you could logically do, or think would happen. Maybe if you push yourself away enough and dig yourself into an endless void, you’ll feel better, everything will be a distant memory. Maybe he’ll crawl back for you like the devoted worshipper he is. Or maybe he’ll get tired of your antics. He’ll get tired of this loop he’s stuck in to the point where you won’t stop leaving him and coming back when you’re bored of being alone.
Today, instead of following your usual routine of hiding under the covers of one of the spare rooms he has in that unbearably bland house and wait till the sky fades, you sit in the living room on the plush couch in front of the TV. You hold your knees to your chest and stare at an empty blank screen. All you can do is sit and soak in your actions. There's no bed you can hide in and fantasise about Caleb cuddling you to sleep. Caleb’s gone. Not forever, but to work again. Once the suns rays started to peak into your room, you could hear his soft yet boyish voice as he tried to speak to you, to grab your attention and get your self destructive behaviours. It was obviously hopeless, he can't force you to do anything. His voice faded away after a minute and his footsteps becoming distant, bidding you goodbye for work.
You do feel guilt now for what you’ve done to him. But the damage has been done. The vase you’d broken time and time again wasn’t fixable this time, was it? You can't keep reaching out and hoping he'll give you that stupid smirk of his and gather you into his arms. It won't take long until Caleb leaves and never comes back.
You could just hope Caleb put aside his own feelings of frustration and despair of your absence if you started speaking to him again. Yet how would you even start a conversation with him? How do you act like a responsible and empathetic person when you lack those qualities? You can’t do this. You can’t. It’s better to lock yourself up and die knowing you can’t fix anything. All you do is cause problems for him, you don't want to be the additional burden that causes him to break.
Slowly, you get up from the couch having enough of reflecting on your actions. Your weak and unused bones struggle to keep up with even standing up. You could eat, but you don’t feel like getting something out the kitchen and you don’t deserve to eat Caleb’s cooking again, even if he stored leftovers in the fridge. Today you’ll lie in bed again, that’s the schedule your body has become accustomed with recently. You will look up at that grey ceiling and hope Caleb will speak to you again but what are you even hoping on? A God to come and save you? Kiss you with a blessing that everything will be okay? Even though you know it’s a false dream, a prayer that will never be heard, you’ll pretend he’ll speak to you soon.
Clattering of dishes and a strong smell of curry pull you out of a slumber. Caleb’s returned home. The man you love is back once more. You weakly pull yourself out of that empty yet enticing bed, stumbling from being disorientated from sleep. Peering out from the door, the curry smell becomes more prominent now like it’s a vivid memory of a day you've experienced once. You hesitate to leave. The comfort of the small room you've trapped yourself in feels better than confronting him.
Taking in a few breaths was enough to give you the courage to be in the same room as Caleb. Despite feeling like a cat on high alert, you watch his back as he cooks humming a song that you heard time and time again in your childhood.
Caleb’s not in his colonel uniform. He’s in one of his signature sweaters that he weirdly has ten separate versions of. If you weren't on such questionable terms with him you would have nuzzled your face into his shoulder and wrap your arms around his waist to breathe him, even if it's just the scent of blood. You take one step forwards and Caleb shoots you a glare out of the corner of his eye in return.
“So, someone will finally speak to me, hm? All it took was to make some curry.” Sarcasm so apparent in his words.
You stood there, frozen in that spot by his words. His rough voice was enough to tell you he was on his last thread, he wasn't going to run in circles for you anymore. You didn't have it in you to verbalise your feelings, but you knew how stupid you were. You pushed the man you loved so dearly, the man who would do anything for you, all because he had a few friends. You were jealous of him because all you were was a pathetic excuse of a partner to Caleb. You had no one but Caleb yet you still tried to make him leave you because of the pure jealousy that grew in you.
"Not going to say anything like you always do? Why do I always have to be the one fixing your mistakes."
His words cut through your body and pierced your heart with such a truth that you didn't want to face. You hate being confrontational, it feels like being roasted alive on a spit roaster while everyone watches. A sigh leaves his lips. He's had enough of you standing like you're a deer caught in headlights.
“Go wait for me in the living room. I’ll bring the food out soon. We can talk about this in a moment.” His voice feels so devoid of warmth. So blank. It doesn’t sound like the Caleb you know and it’s putting you off. It’s making you feel so on edge because all you can do is hyper analyse each word, how each syllable sounded when it left his mouth. You give him a nod, despite his back turned away from you and headed to the couch you lingered on in the morning.
A plate is put in front of you. A delicious curry awaits to be eaten by you. It’s made so beautifully with a vibrant strong orange colour. The curry and rice have a perfect ratio to each other, just how you like it. The couch dips to accommodate Caleb’s weight with your left side shifting from it but you can't be bothered to register the feeling in your mind. Either way, it didn't matter since you can’t bare to look at him.
“Thanks…” You murmur out to fill the painful silence.
“You’re welcome. So, will you finally speak to me again? Or will you keep ignoring me.” His voice grows colder at the last sentence but you can’t even blame him. You can’t insult him and blame him that his anger is unjust when it’s completely right.
“I’m sorry.” The only things that your mouth remembered was an apology. Not a reason, not an answer to the thousand questions that he had for you that made him spiral, just a plain sorry.
"That's it?" His voice comes out almost disgusted with your response.
"I don't know what to say—"
“You never do.” His harsh words cut you off. He’s right though. He’s always right. You always stutter, mumble and say barely anything when he wants a reason from you.
“I'm sorry for ignoring you.” A distant voice comes from your mouth. It's all you could get out that wasn't the same empty apologies or silence. "Are you going to leave me?"
He hesitates, taking a moment to respond and you hate it. You hate it because you know it wasn’t a clear cut answer he had for you.
“…I doubt I could ever leave you alone. But, don’t do this again to me. Please.”
Your breath hitches at his words, such emotion hits you like a train. Why would you be such a horrible lover? Your love isn’t fair or rooted in the same devotion as his so why do you ever think you could deserve him?
You still couldn’t bare to look at him either to see his puppy dog eyes filled with such sorrow, even as his arms firmly wrap around your body, enveloping your side in the warmth you missed so dearly. But you couldn’t even return the hug. All you could do is look down at your lap. Maybe you were stunned into shock that he’d forgive you since you truly believed that he hates you with every synthetic fiber in his body.
Or maybe it’s that you don’t deserve to feel his warmth with your bare hands. You aren’t worthy enough to feel his unconditional love after the weeks of ignoring him, pretending like he’s the worst individual to have graced this world. His hands shift from your waist, one patting your back and the other around your head, pulling you towards his chest. You rest your head on his shoulder and pray that maybe you'll choke on one of your sobs and die right there and then.
“There there, let it out pipsqueak. I’m here. Don’t cry, it’s alright.” He hums out like a lullaby.
His comfort shattered your soul and let out the sobs you'd been holding back for what seemed like months. You cried like a baby in his arms. All that left your mouth now was a chain of apologises, of promises to never do this again even though you knew one day you’d probably break it. Yet, he went along with it, shushing you and patting your back rhythmically to stop you from hyperventilating to the point of throwing up.
“You’re okay. It’s okay. I know, I know. It’s so hard to fix things, isn’t it? I’ll help you. You won’t have to be so upset again.”
You rub your face against his shirt. It smells so familiar, a scent that you haven’t taken in for a while since you’ve been avoiding him. You miss rubbing your face all over him like a cat declaring its territory. He smells like a mixture of apple pies and your perfume.
A kiss graces your head as he pulls you away from his shoulder. Caleb chuckles softly from your tear-streaked face. Not in the way to mock you, he finds you beautiful in such vulnerable moments like this. “I'm glad this is over. But you should soon eat. The food is cold now.”
Food was the last thing on your mind, and your stomach lacks the capacity to even feel hunger at this point. You feel full enough from feasting on Caleb's love and affection. He flicks your forehead and you whine from being brought away from your thoughts.
“Hey. Even if you don't want to eat, I do. So, maybe we can share?” His suggestion made you feel content, as he presses a chaste kiss to your forehead. “Get comfy, I’ll fix everything up.”
You give him a long and drawn out “okay” as you lay back on the couch. You’d like to hope that one day, you’ll be better than this. You’ll be a perfect partner and you’ll leave your insecurities in a locked box where no one will find it. But you know that lingering doubt will always be apart of you, riddled in those rotting bones of yours.