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The familiar burning, white wall greets him as the server’s firewall combs through his code. At this point, he would have been identified as having been banned and the ban message would flash before him, denying him entry. Comfortingly, he vaguely registers the presence of someone else beside him, invisible, but still there. The edges of the white screen begin to intensify as a piercing shrill fills his ears. Static humming becomes muffled voices and they become louder as the light blinded him. It disappears, and a rush of air enters his lungs.
Quakitus joined the game.
Div_y joined the game.
“He’s here!” Div’s mind adjusted to the new light, still trying to process the onslaught of overwhelming sensations. The first thing he saw was the lush, green plains field, decorated brightly with every flower the game has ever added. Still dazed, he wandered his head, observing around what he presumed was spawn. His eyes fall onto the player tags and widen in disbelief, unable to believe so many members on the server present in one area.
He recognised several of them immediately. Shuppet and Sobr held up a large banner, scrawled with a grey marker spelling ‘WELCOME BACK’ in large, bold letters. Div notices a tiny doodle in the corner of the banner, and snorts under his breath knowing who it was. The crowd kept on cheering, saying words he could hear, but not decipher. Two figures emerged in a blur from the crowd, and Div gasped as arms wrapped tightly around him.
“Div!” the voices cried. Div lowered his head, hitching his breath as a green hood and pikachu ears obstructed his view. Saturn and Pika gripped his torso tighter, burying their faces in his coat.
“Guys, I’ve not been gone that long.” Div chokes on his breath. Saturn and Pika raise their heads, eyes red and watery. He pushes down the overwhelming feeling to cry, trying to not let the tears spill. He fails anyway, feeling tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Tears spill from his friends’ eyes, streaming down their cheeks. Pika lets go, wiping his face with his sleeve.
“Sorry, it's just…we missed you Div, all of us.” He gestures at the crowd behind them. Some normal players, other familiar mods, not the owner especially. Some looked relieved, excited, overjoyed. He could only find smiles and not a single face upset to see him. Someone tugs gently at his hand. Div forgot Quakitus was still here. Quakitus gave him a reassuring smile, motioning him forward. Somebody pushes a set of armour into his hands, which Div readily accepts. He slips on the chestplate and leggings first. As he held onto the armour, he realised it had been decorated with trims. Netherite trims on netherite armour. How much did they grind for this? And they were just giving it away. He doesn’t look at the helmet and boots as he hastily put them on. Once he had worn them all, the group began moving forward.
“Where’re we going?” Div questions.
“We’re taking you back to your base!”
“I don’t—” Saturn loops an arm around him, walking him along. Quakitus had moved behind him too, joining beside who he realized was Nav, now decked in full diamond. Saturn and Pika led the way, with the rest of the group trailing behind them. They formed a parade of sorts, marching down the generated path.
They walk for several blocks, passing structures and bases of new. Many things Div did not recognise or know of. The forest nearby spawn had been replaced by complicated, redstone contraptions. A mountain he once climbed many times had been terraformed beyond recognition. Little things he never thought to look twice he spared second glances. Gracefall still remained. They trek through another forest, this time a pale oak biome that had a park built in it. One tree looked man-made, and sitting at the foot of the roots, was a recently cleaned, cobblestone structure.
“Here lies Div, who changed for the–Is this one of the memorials you were talking about, Q?” Div snaps his head to Quakitus.
“Wait, did you forget to take that one down?” He hears Pika ask Saturn.
“Ohh wait, I did!” A blurry figure passed by Div and Saturn scrambles with his pickaxe, mining away the cobblestone.
“Wait, it’s okay, Saturn, I don’t mind–” The last of the blocks were swiftly picked up, he turned back to Div dusting his hands. “All done! We can keep going now.”
They continued walking without a word from anyone. No more memorials or any structures resembling them ever appeared again. He actually didn’t mind them. The group exits the pale biome and reaches another forest, this time a normal one, it seemed. At the edge of the trees, a base sits surrounded by an array of flowers. It was by no means a small base, with its tall, oak walls topped by a gable roof. Through one of the windows, he spots a staircase with bookshelves. If anything, it was the most beautiful base Div had ever seen on the server.
“You actually built me a base,” he muttered in disbelief.
“Oh, me and Pika didn’t do anything! Q built it!” Saturn brightly said. Div turns to Quakitus.
“You built me a base?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be too good if you slept out in the open, would it?” Quakitus mused, “Orlixx helped me build the garden, by the way.”
Div looks over the crowd, spotting Orlixx at the back giving a small wave, which Div returns with an equally small smile. Quakitus was the first to approach the base.
“Don’t just stand there, come on in!” he calls from the door. Div looks back to the crowd, who makes no sign they were going to move. He enters after Pika and Saturn, noticing the rest of the server members standing outside.
“Are they not—”
“Welcome to your new base! I have your essentials here and some storage for your items, there’s some decorations in the chest if you want. It’s all yours!” Quakitus animatedly explains the layout. Saturn and Pika are equally ecstatic, smiling in the way they would when trying to impress someone. Div walks slowly away from the door, scanning the room. There is another floor they haven’t even explained. Hesitantly, he climbs the stairs. Other than a grey bed, there is nothing else in the room.
“…is this, really all for me?” Div whispers in a low voice.
“Yep, no strings attached!” Quakitus appears behind him, making Div internally jump. Quakitus gestures him down, guiding him to the entrance of the base, his base. Static fills his mind as he walks towards the door. He is greeted again by the eager-eyed crowd that was the server members.
“...That’s just about everything. You have any questions, Div?” Quakitus asked.
“N-no, thank you. I…I-I don’t know how could I repay this, I—”
“Div.” He halts, turning to Quakitus for any more words. He does not continue, instead Pika is the one to speak.
“Take it easy, okay?” He places a hand on his shoulder.
“Message us if you need anything, we’ll be there,” Saturn says. Div smiles gratefully, before turning to the other server members.
“Kay, I’ll see you guys tomorrow." The crowd disperses in bursts of fireworks and running particles. Div watches until the last player tags fade into the distance. Once he was sure there was no one else, he felt his shoulders drop. He reenters the house, standing at the entrance, observing the room, the walls. It was when Div finally realised that the first floor was a larger layout of his cabin. The storage chests, the crafting table and furnace. It could have been just a coincidence, but it had been Quakitus who made it. He looks out the window, beside where his bed once was, imagining the shadow of snowfall just faintly descending to the ground.
In the reflection, two shulkers had been tucked in the corner. Pika and Saturn must have put them there when Div wasn’t looking. He doesn’t realize he smiles at the thought. He cracks open the first shulker. Inside, splash potions glowed, indicating they were brewed recently, armour and used tools were also stashed away. He takes the tools, and moves on to the next shulker. Books, miscellaneous items, his hand freezes at something soft. Slipping it out, it was his clothes. He hadn’t done his laundry when he was banned from the server. Did Saturn do it for him? The sky outside had turned dark, the sunset long passed. He slots the items into his inventory. Taking off the heavy netherite armour and changing into his pyjamas.
Climbing the stairs, the empty loft greets him. Dragging his feet to the bed, all the energy leaves once his body slumps onto the mattress. Div lets his mind rewind the events of today. Everywhere, everybody, everything felt so warm. So much warmer than anything he had ever felt. Wistfully, perhaps selfish on his part, wonders if the warmth will continue. He stops when he feels his eyes gradually droop. He curls up into the sheets, praying wordlessly for sweet dreams.
The next few days were spent rummaging through his new chests and staring up at his ceiling in bed. Quakitus was greatly exaggerating when he said there were only ‘some’ decorations. Half the chests were filled to the brim with various woods, frames of all types, doors, glass, blocks that nobody except crazy, megabuilders used. Div uses the wood to make a table and add a sofa. Maybe some carpet to make his bedroom seem more comfortable, but that was it. Why ruin what was already good?
Once he had done that, he would lie back in bed. Most of the time was spent thinking, always going back to the first day. He still recalls the relieved faces, the smiles. Div wonders what he did to earn them. If he wasn’t thinking, he was napping, often without even realizing until he awoke to find the sun setting.
Even with napping, his hunger bar would still drop and the scratchy feeling of thirst would settle at the back of his throat. He eats and drinks just enough to keep the hunger and thirst at bay before returning to his bed. He scolds himself when he does that, what happened to the routine back then? He couldn’t even bring himself to clean the floor, mine for resources, or do the laundry.
At least once a day, someone would show up to his door. Saturn and Pika showed up every day, no matter the occasion. Div would let them in, and while Saturn rambled about a new topic, Pika somehow would quietly tidy his house. The first time it happened, he spotted Pika stacking his crockery just as Saturn began to leave. Div didn’t even realise Pika had not spoken to him once, too focused on trying to listen to Saturn chatter about some obscure topic. He told Div not to worry about it, and left together with Saturn.
A few new players questioned him why he was gone for so long. They don’t ask about the stories of him. Surprisingly, IDKnows visited one evening, when Div was just beginning to go to bed for the night. Wordlessly, he dropped a wrapped tinfoil into Div’s hands, before leaving by foot. When he opened it, the smell of warm, mellow baked rice greeted him. Div tried to eat it, he really did, but it just tasted so much like ash in his mouth.
On the fifth day, loud knocking from the door forces him out of bed. It wasn’t unusual, but only someone whose internet had a curfew would choose to be up so early. Expectedly, opening the door, a player with snow hair and copper trims stood outside.
“Hi Shuppet,” Div greets politely. He isn’t smiling.
“So, I heard you named a dog after me,” Shuppet said, crossing his arms.
“Oh, yeah,” Div muttered. Under his breath, he curses his sentimentality. Shuppet raises a furrowed brow, eyes feeling like they would pierce his skin.
“Cool, wanna go find one? This base is painfully lonely,” he comments, peeking inside,
“Shuppet, you don’t need—”
“I want a dog as well.” Shuppet places a foot into the door. “You coming?”
“O-Of course, I’ll change and we’ll go.” Div looks down at his disheveled pyjamas in shame, before hurriedly closing the door behind him.
The journey was quiet, neither of them speaking their thoughts out loud. They travel thousands of blocks by foot until mountains with spruce trees start to come into view. Div, in his last set of coat and shirt, wraps himself looser as the temperature begins to drop. The taiga biome was desolate of any mobs, other than a stray rabbit. The two of them find a spot under a rather large, spruce tree. The plan was to simply wait underneath until a pack of wolves spawned nearby. Div sets a small campfire for light, placing it just away from the tree so there was enough light. He watches the comforting way his breath became visible in the colder climate.
“You got any bones on you?” Shuppet asked.
“I have some in my ender chest, let me—”
“It’s okay, you can take mine.” Before he could rebut, half a stack of bones were tossed in Div’s direction.
“R-Really?” he asked again.
“Yeah,” Shuppet replied. The two sat in silence, watching the still-shot of the forest for the signs of wolves.
“Where’s Sobr?” Div questioned.
“He’s helping us mine for copper, we’re making a copper golem ranch,” Shuppet explained.
“Why a ranch?” Div continued.
“We want them to roam free. I wouldn't want them a life, slaving away on a farm.”
“You and Sobr are really good friends, huh?” As Div says it, a pack of wolves spawn in front of them.
“I trust him with my life.” Shuppet leaves his spot, spiriting up to the pack. A few of them go off to attack a family of foxes. He approaches one that was alone, offering up the bone in his hand. The wolf peers suspiciously, but takes the bones and begins to gnaw them. Eventually, it wholly accepts Shuppet, and sits obediently looking up to him. Div stares as it all happened, not knowing the faint smile growing on his face. He immediately snaps out of it, and runs to find the rest of the pack. One wolf still remained. A reluctant hunter, it stays frozen at a sheep even as its brothers go and charge at it. Div must have seen something in that wolf, what he did not know, but he just felt it pulling painfully at his chest.
Carefully, he offers out a bone, waiting for it to take it. The wolf crushes the bone with its teeth, much to Div’s horror. It swallows them whole, its eyelids perking up. It sits on the grass, indicating that he too had successfully tamed a wolf.
“You got your dog too.” Shuppet appears behind him, his dog following a block away.
“You have anything else you need here?” he asked.
“No, you?”
“Nope, we’re good.” Shuppet scoops his dog in his arms. “Shall we leave then?”
They return the way they came back on foot, carrying their new dogs when crossing the rivers and hot sand. A few hours of travel later, they reached back to Div’s base. Div opens the door, letting Shuppet and the dogs through.
“You got any dyes? I wanna change my dog’s collar,” Shuppet calls. He takes a seat at the dining table, watching the dogs chase each other. Div goes to his storage, rummages through his chests for any dyes Quakitus may have left behind.
“You really need to clean, you know?” Div pauses, turning to Shuppet. He does not look at him, but he watches the way Shuppet cringes at a thin layer of dust forming on the wooden surface. Div pauses to look back.
“I-I know…” He turns away. Shuppet does not continue the conversation.
“I have these colours.” Div lays out the selection of dye items, which included a beetroot, dandelion, cornflower and ink sac.
“Not a lot of options, huh?” Shuppet comments.
“Do you think Black or orange suits my dog?” he asked.
“I guess black looks better,” Div said.
“Okay, we’ll go with orange.” Shuppet reaches for the dandelion and beetroot. Using his crafting slot, he crafts the dandelion and beetroot into its respective dyes, before mashing them together into an orange dye. Shuppet rises from the chair, but he ignores his dog. Kneeling down to Div’s dog, he dyes the collar, changing out the default red.
“There.” Shuppet rises from the floor. “Now it looks like me.”
He gives it a scratch under its chin, Div’s dog happily rolling onto its back, allowing Shuppet to rub its belly. He sits on the wooden floor, still holding the dog on his lap.
“I thought you wanted to dye your dog’s collar…” Div quietly whispered.
“Sorry, had to get back on you when I heard you named a dog after me. I'm honoured, really, but it’s a little, ridiculous.” Shuppet returns to stroking Div’s dog, allowing his own to join the group. He frowns, trying to find a reaction.
“If you don’t like orange, I could change it back. I have dyes back at my base,” he offers. Div blinks, looking back at his dog and Shuppet’s propped onto Shuppet’s lap. Shuppet gently pushes off the dogs, beginning to stand. He picks his own dog off the floor and begins walking to the door.
“Shuppet, why are you being so nice to me?” Div said. Shuppet stops at the foot and turns his back. He stares, seemingly unbewildered.
“Well, you seem to need it,” he shrugged, “it doesn’t pay to be nice, right?”
“O-Of course…” Div looks back to his dog, who had begun chewing on the wooden legs of the table.
“If you want, me and Sora can come back and play together,” Shuppet said.
“You named your dog Sora?”
“Yeah, tell me their name once you’ve found one.” Shuppet eyes Div’s dog. “See you later Div.”
Shuppet closes the door behind him and Div watches until he and his dog, Sora, are out of view. When he could no longer see Shuppet’s nametag, Div collapsed from his seat. He catches his fall, clutching to his chest. His dog stops gnawing at the table to peer at him in concern. He doesn’t notice. His chest heaves, pulling at his muscles and squeezing every last breath from them. The feeling dissipates, replaced with the feeling of his lungs burning. Dragging his feet up the stairs, he collapses on the bed.
The moon is full tonight, but not even the moonlight could comfort him. In the corner, quiet steps become closer and a familiar rumble calls him out. Div turns his head, spotting his dog softly tilting their head.
“Hey there,” Div whispers. The dog wags its tail, whining as it stares up at him. He shifts his position, opening up his arms, a clear invitation. The dog crawled up onto his bed, settling onto the mattress. Div wraps his arms around it, sinking his chin into its fur. Managing another painful breath, he stroked their fur, hoping to lull it asleep. Eventually, his own eyes could not stay open any longer, and he drifted to sleep.
For the first time, he awoke to find his cheeks still wet.
Div thought for a while on what to name the dog. Sure, he had a few names in mind, but neither of them seem to fit. Div considered naming the dog Shuppet again, but then again it was weird since he already had a dog named Shuppet, and Shuppet would definitely, completely expect it. He also just can’t keep calling it ‘the dog’ all the time. He slumps his cheek against his hand, watching from the dining table as the dog chases its tail. He and Shuppet didn’t even tame the new variant. Just the same old, grey dog.
“Do you like Grey?” Div asked. The dog halts its chase and barks happily, jumping onto Div’s lap to lick his cheek.
“Alright! From now on, you’re Grey,” he declares. The dog smiles, as best as minecraft dogs could, barking in response. Div could not help but grin, ruffling the fur at the top of their head.
“Arent’t you the cutest little thing?” he coos. He makes Grey a bed in the living room, and another beside his bed. The renewed burst of energy also helped him cook lunch for the first time in the past few days. He places a bowl for Grey on the floor beside him. The door knocked just as he was setting up the table. He goes to answer, expecting Saturn or Pika, or even Quakitus. A single, pink eye stared at him, its face neutral and Div felt his heart rate spike.
“Orlixx.” Div nearly drops the bowl of stew.
“Div,” Orlixx curtly replied.
“Thanks for building that garden, by the way,” Div said.
“I’m still not happy about how you treated Q and the server,” Orlixx said. Ah.
“I know,” Div sighed, eyes drifting to the floor.
“I’m not ready to forgive you yet,” Orlixx continued.
“That’s okay,” Div said.
“But, I can see that you're changing,” Orlixx softened, “and I can accept that.”
Div looked back up, and the kind expression on his face meant he was not going to do any harm. He highly doubts that.
“Do you want to stay for lunch?” Div offered.
“No, I’ve got other plans.” Orlixx steps a foot out of the door. “Oh, and please water the plants, or put a water hole somewhere. I hate to see my rose bushes die of dehydration.”
“I can do it now.”
“Cool, I left some gardening tools behind the house. Make sure to use them, I wouldn't want you pricking your hands or fingers.” Orilxx turns towards the garden. “Don’t beat yourself up too much.”
Div still stood by the doorframe even as Orlixx’s skin and nametag disappeared from view. Looking back at the dinner table, Grey’s bowl had been cleaned out, and it was salivating at Div’s stew.
“Oh, are you still hungry? You can have some of mine.” He sets his bowl on the floor, Grey immediately pouncing on it. Div watches as it eats the meaty stew, settling a hand to stroke its fur. His stomach gnawing painfully at his insides. It would calm down eventually, once they realised it would do nothing. Giving Grey one more head pat, he goes behind the house and sure enough, a barrel is there with tools and seeds.
He starts with tilling the ground, placing sparse water holes to dampen the land. For the time, there was empty silence. Then in the corner of his eye, a familiar obsidian structure spawned accompanied by its horrible, shrieking sound. The portal lit and out appeared a redheaded girl, covered in netherite armour.
“Div! Hi!” Nav ecstatically exclaimed.
“Hey Nav…” Div said.
“Oo, are you gardening? I didn’t know you gardened.” She skips towards him, leaning in towards the bed of soil.
“Well, I have to keep the flowers somehow.” Div shovels another block of dirt. “Do you know what happened to Quakitus? I haven't seen him in a while.”
“You weren’t told? The owner is punishing him for the lag machine, and for bribing the old mod team. He’s been doing manual labour for them ever since.”
“Manual labour for what?”
“He’s building the new complaint centre.”
“Huh.” Div pauses his digging.
“Wow, I didn’t realize you had this many flowers here,” Nav says.
“Yeah, Orlixx really loves his flowers.”
“I see that. Honestly, I think you should add other flowers. I bet it will look way nicer,” she suggested casually, grabbing the packets of labelled seeds.
“Perhaps,” Div hummed.
“You know Saturn was just talking about some sort of flower language to me,” Nav mentions. She kneels beside him on the grass, taking the shovel from Div and digging a block of soil.
“The one where every flower has a meaning. I know about it,” he said, grabbing the nearby pair of shears.
“Not that one, he was mentioning how flowers have their own language across species, that they can sense danger and warn other plants around them. They have friends, enemies and probably individual words.”
“It still confuses me, but I think I get it.” She gently covers a seed with dirt, before planting a sign at the edge.
The last of the rose bushes and lavenders were watered and no longer drooping as they did before. Some tulips and daisy seeds were planted around them, so was a small wheat farm for extra food. Nav seemed satisfied with her effort, while Div observed the land in empty contentment.
“I think we did great!” she snickered. She punches him, a playful jab meant as a joke. Grey hasn’t been sat down once ever since he came to Div’s life. It slams open the door, a feat Div thought was impossible for mobs, charging up to Nav and barking furiously. He scoops Grey up before they could reach her.
“Down, she’s friendly,” Div ordered, wrapping his arms tighter around it.
“Oh, you have a dog! C’mere doggie!” Nav cooed, bending down to be face level with it.
“Its name’s Grey,” Div said.
“Grey, Hello.” She squeezes its paws, her other hand scratching its chin. “Aren’t you the cutest?”
Grey whimpers, whining as it looks up to its owner. Div scratches behind its ears.
“This is Nav, she’s a friend,” Div explained slowly.
“I have to go now, thanks for letting me plant these flowers.” Nav skips away back towards the nether portal.
“Oh, and Div?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry, about the things I said before. I shouldn’t have believed those rumours,” Nav apologised, looking away.
“It’s okay,” Div said.
“Thanks! I’ll see you around!” Nav disappeared through the portal, followed by the familiar screech. Div leaves the portal be. He brings Grey inside the base, gently placing it on his bed.
“Stay here. Okay? I don’t want to see you out of this house.” Grey whines and tilts his head. Div wonders if Grey understood. He keeps his eye on Div even as he walks down the stairs and even when he is out of the base through the windows. When he is far enough, he runs. He doesn’t know where he is going, he doesn’t know what he will do. He doesn’t stop when his hunger runs out. Warped colours of green and brown give way to shimmering, cold white. Div finally stops running, letting the freezing air envelop him. He wanders the comforting snow. Suddenly, he is sinking into the ground. He should have seen them. Powdered snow patches he used to so carefully avoid. He does not try to break free, and watches as his health points are ticked off, till he feels his heart being ripped out.
Div_y froze to death.
He spawns back on his bed, spooking Grey off. Div sits still, staring at the opposite wall. Grey paws and whines for attention, explanations. Div did not respond. When he finally came to, he hugs Grey, burying his face in its fur.
“You’re okay, you’re okay,” he soothed.
The wounds are raw and fresh.
“Div? Are you here!” Div groans, muffling his ears with his pillow.
“Hello?” Another voice calls, this time accompanied by the annoying sound of the door flicking. He rolls out of his bed, Grey also tumbling off and tugging at his blanket. He should wash it soon. The voice shouts his name again.
“Okay, okay! I’m coming!” Div sits up from his bed. He stumbles down the stairs, ready to curse out at someone. The door is already open, and standing at the edge of the doorway were his two friends.
“Pika? Saturn? Aren’t you supposed to be looking for netherite now?” he questions.
“We’re taking you out today!” Saturn animatedly said.
“Yeah, Tyrad’s built this giant gold farm in the nether, and he wants us to test it out,” Pika explained.
“He did?” Div said.
“Yeah, we’re all going to try it. You in?” Pika said. He and Saturn wait for Div’s answer.
“Sure, just let me feed Grey and we can go.”
“Oh my god! Grey! Can I see them, pleeease?” Saturn begged.
“They’re upstairs.” With no more words, Saturn rushed into his base and up the stairs. Div rummages through storage for tools and food, while Pika waits on the wooden sofa. Saturn comes jumping down the stairs, clumsily hugging Grey.
“Who’s a good doggy? Yes you are!” he coos, but it only makes Grey growl.
“Where’s your armour, Div?” Pika asked.
“Oh, I…lost it…while exploring,” Div murmured, pulling out an iron sword from the chest.
“Oh, you can take mine for now.” Pika takes off his set, tossing it on the table.
“...Th-Thank you.” Div picks up the items, leaving them in his inventory for now.
“No worries, I have … about a hundred back up sets left, so this is nothing.” Pika places an ender chest, taking out a shulker and immediately is back in full armour again.
“A hundred sets! Then why wouldn’t you give any to me when I needed them!” Saturn punches Pika, letting go of Grey who tuts a huff.
“You can perfectly grind your own armour, Saturn.” The two continue to bicker as Div feeds Grey its daily meat.
“I can’t take you with me, the Nether’s too dangerous for you,” Div explained in a soft tone, petting their pale fur. Grey whines in confusion.
“I know, I’m sorry,” he apologised. The argument behind Div slows to a stop and he hears the two of their footsteps approach him.
“You ready Div?” Pika said.
“Yeah, let’s go.” They make their way to the Nether portal in the garden. One by one, they entered the nether dimension. They trekked through a crimson forest, trudging through the nether wastelands. Sweat had already started to form and the heat was fogging Div’s head. After a few minutes of walking, they reached a dead end, hot lava waiting beneath them.
“Are we going the right way, Pika?”
“Trust me, the farm should be around here somewhere.”
Div’s mind wanders from the conversation, choosing to look around the netherrack walls instead. There would be no mobs, usually. Then a flash of a golden helmet sticks out, and Div’s breath was caught in his throat. The owner of the golden helmet looks back at him, and saunters up without a second thought.
“Hey Gip,” Div greeted, trying to ignore the tremble in his voice. Gip places down a sign.
‘You look terrible’ Div can’t help but snort.
“Yeah, haven't been sleeping well, but I’ll manage,” he said.
‘Please take care of yourself’ The next sign read.
“Don’t worry, I will.” He hears Pika call for him. Div turns back and gives a wave, leaving Gip again. When his friends ask what he was doing, he doesn’t tell. Pika directs them to a deepslate bridge and the group begins to cross it. Then, it loads into view. Div felt his frames drop as he approached the massive build, watching it slowly load the chunks. A familiar nametag appears in the distance, jumping up and down.
“Pika, Saturn, you’re here!” Tyrad punches both of them in a causal greeting. He turns his head in surprise, eyes staring for but a moment.
“Oh, hey Div,” Tyrad said.
“Why you look so surprised?” Div raises a brow.
“I didn’t think you’d show up, that's all.” Tyrad gave a nervous cough. He motions for the group to follow. Div tailed behind the group, constantly looking over the oceans of lava the farm was built over. The farm was far out from spawn, and Tyrad didn’t build any railings. One stray swing or punch would spell someone their doom. Div wonders why Tyrad didn’t just build the farm on the nether roof, choosing to instead build just under. He leads them to a glass platform. A 2-by-1 space covered by an open trapdoor is filled with crammed zombified piglins. A simple hopper system collects the drops on another platform below it.
“All you have to do is swing your sword and the piglins in here will all die,” Tyrad directed. Saturn tries it first, using his own weapon.
“Woah, that’s so much exp!” Saturn exclaimed.
“Oh yeah? Well you’ll be surprised by the amount of gold here too.” Tyrad descends down a ladder at the side. Through the glass platform, Div sees several chests probably already full of stacks of gold.
“And you can craft ingots if you need them. The hoppers even sort out the rotten flesh and gold.”
“Tyrad, this is by far, the coolest thing you’ve ever made!” Saturn continued to marvel at the contraptions as Pika was focused on grinding zombified piglins. Div stood at the ledge, looking out into the burning wasteland. Anything further than 5 chunks from his point of view was obstructed by a hazy fog. Even the ground was doused in the same dense fog, with no end in sight. Then, three nametags appeared on the other end of the bridge, and they seemed to be approaching the farm. Tyrad also spots them, and chooses to sprint past Div to greet them.
“Sobr, Shuppet, Orlixx! Glad you could come!” Tyrad brightly welcomed the group. Their conversation is drowned out of his memory. It’s become too warm now, his insides feel like they are being cooked alive. Hey vaguely notice Orlixx saying something to him, and walking pass towards the main area.
“Hi Div! You’re here to test out Tyrad’s new farm too?” Sobr asked with a grin.
“Yeah, how’s the copper golem ranch doing?” Div asked.
“It’s a ranch, you got it right…” Sobr peers at him, voice laced with suspicion and surprise.
“Yeah, Shuppet told me about it,” Div mumbled.
“You got a name for your dog yet, Div? You still haven’t told me,” Shuppet spoke up.
“Yeah, its name is Grey,” Div replied.
“Grey,” Shuppet repeated, “that’s a nice name.”
“Come by the ranch whenever you feel like it!” Sobr suddenly clasps Div’s hands. “I can guarantee it's the most wonderful ranch you’ve ever been to!”
“I…I don’t—” Something is stuck in his throat, and it won’t come out. He attempts to cough it out, but it only worsens. He grabs at his throat, the edges of his vision becoming hazy.
“Div, are you—”
“Hey Pika, what’s wrong with—”
It's this sweltering heat. He knew he should have asked not to join. This was all a horrible mistake. He needed to leave. The portal’s too far. He can’t breathe. His chest hurts so much—
“Div, step back from that ledge—”
Why are they looking at him like that? What did he do he needs to leave—
“DIV!”
The ground beneath him is gone, and he feels like he’s floating. The wind whips around him and the heat is gone. Strangely, a wave of calm rushes over him. There is a murky splash, and heat explodes everywhere on his skin. The sound of fireworks burst somewhere above him, followed by a wooshing sound. A hand suddenly grabs his wrist and drags him upward. The burn leaves him, a cool, tingling feeling was all that remained. As quickly as it happened, he is back on the ground, and voices become louder.
“Div, are you okay? Please, just say something…” Div slowly emerged from his daze, mind beginning to refocus. Familiar faces surrounded him, the same horrified expression plastered on each of them.
“W-what happened?” he whimpered.
“Y…You,” Saturn stumbled. Someone’s panting becomes louder. Div carefully turns his head towards the noise. There is a player panting on their knees as they were supported by two other players, a glowing elytra draped on them. Their eyes flicker towards him, a flash of anger too apparent.
“What the hell is wrong with you!” Orlixx screamed.
“Orlixx!”
“You could have died!” he continued yelling, “Y-You could have lost all your stuff!”
“That Netherite armour clearly doesn’t belong to you! Don’t start with me Pika, only you would wear such trims!”
“But, netherite doesn’t burn in lava,” Div said.
“So? You could have still died?” Orlixx fummed.
“We have respawn on, and I can easily replace the stuff I lost.” Div turns away. “It’s not that big a deal.”
A mournful laugh rang out, turning into an exasperated cackle that only matched the hellish landscape of the nether, sending chills and Déjà vu down Div’s spine.
“I’m done. I'm leaving. If anyone wants me, I’m at my base!“ Orlixx turns his heel and leaves in a huff. His name tag disappears in the distance. Two people approached behind Div, talking amongst themselves.
“Thank you Tyrad, we’ll be going now,” Div heard somebody say. His shoulder is tapped, and he turns to see Pika.
“We’re going back now,” he stated.
The trip back is quiet, and neither of them could look each other in the eye. They walked slowly, Saturn leading and Pika trailing behind. Div could not help but notice how Saturn constantly placed blocks, making so many unneeded tall walls. They reached the portal they came in from and finally returned to Div’s base. Pika had opened the door for him, and took him inside. Grey barked at them happily. Pika let it be. Saturn ignored it, making Div to sit on the wooden sofa.
“You don’t need to stay here,” Div said softly. Grey had begun whining and looking over to him. Something in Div’s heart wants to feel bad.
“Have you eaten, anything today,” Saturn whispered to him. Grey crawls into Div’s arms.
“...N-No,” Div replied. 3 golden carrots were thrown on the table.
“This should fill your stomach, if you’re still hungry I still have more,” Saturn said. Hesitantly, Div picks up the carrots, and brings one to his mouth. His jaw aches and screams at every bite. Despite his stomach’s persistent cramping, he only finished one carrot.
“I’m not hungry anymore,” Div said, passing the rest of the food back.
“I’ll put them in your storage then.” Saturn sat up, walking away. Footsteps became louder as Pika appeared at the top of the stairs.
“You can come upstairs, Div,” Pika called. Saturn followed behind Div as they went up to the loft. His bed was bigger, and there were more pillows than he remembered. Embarrassingly, Pika and Saturn helped him out of his armour and clothes into his pyjamas. They tucked him into the bed, and held his hands so gently. Div watched as they fussed over a wrinkle.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. Saturn and Pika suddenly froze.
“Y-You don’t need to say it. Please, just, forget everything that just happened today.” Pika finally looked over to him for the first time, with that horrible concerned expression on his face. Div hated it.
“Can you, don’t tell anyone about this?” he requested.
“We won’t Div, we won’t,” Saturn promised. He squeezed his hand, what was meant to be a comforting gesture. Div doesn’t remember when they left. At one point, a large weight had rested on him, followed by a low rumble. Dark grey turns to black in his vision and the worries he had before dragged him deeper into his mind.
How many times has he been visited? He lost track after a week. They all ask the same questions, or was it all the same? Despite best efforts to improve his sleep, nothing seems to have changed. In fact, it seems to have only become worse and longer. It’s not that Div wants to sleep more. It was just far easier to fall asleep than to wake up.
Sometimes Div feels like he’s back in that snowy cabin, frozen in a snapshot of the day before Quakitus had crashed into his world. He tries to remember what he ate, what he did. Only feeding Shuppet (the dog) comes to mind. Other times he is lying in the freezing snow, watching the dark sky as the snow around him piles higher. Dreams of sinking into powdered snow comes to mind, the slow freezing squeezing his body before the suffocation takes hold.
Those are the fair better ones, if he could call them that. Sometimes the dark matter of the void replaces the calm snow, the freezing, cold nothingness grasping tightly at his every being. He is alone. He can speak, but his voice is snatched away from him, and every voice around him is so, much, louder. There are many he could name, but the one he recognised most was always his.
“You are nothing without my help.”
“You deserve to be alone.”
“You should have just left when you had the message.”
No matter what Div tried, his voice was always impossible to drive out. Even changing the direction of the dream can be difficult once it takes a dark turn. He tells himself he can sit through it, take whatever he throws at him. And then when he woke, it would be all over. And the pain of living would come crashing down. The world of dreams seemed so much more alive, far crueler than the reality he did not deserve. Over time, these dreams and reality seem to bend, and the day starts appearing in them.
When Div woke up, the same grogginess that brought him back asleep came again. He blinks, fighting to stay awake as he checks the time. His mind jumps when he sees his communicator flashed a twelve. He went to bed at nine right? Surely he did not sleep for that long? He looks over his window, and his eye catches a flurry of white.
The white butterfly, an entity he had known for so long, had always been with him. He doesn’t know how it came to be, but he knows it existed for as long as he could remember. It never left its spot, never reacted when touched, only silently fanning their wings in his hair. Now it’s on the floor, wings desperately fluttering and torso and legs twitching madly. It attempts to stand, toppling over. Then the twitching stopped. Div doesn’t take his eyes off even long after the butterfly stops moving.
He leaves the body be.
Climbing down the stairs, several flowers greeted him. Somehow, right after the ‘incident’, Nav had begun coming over to his house every week, bringing a new potted flower along with her every time. What day was it again? He didn't need to wait long. He spots her through the window, and flicks open the door.
“Hey, thanks for letting me in this time.” She enters his house, in her arms a pot carrying another flower, this time a pink allium.
“You don’t need to keep bringing me flowers. I’m not sick, you know that right?” Div said.
“But this base is so dreary.” She settles the fresh pot on the dining table, accompanying the azure bluet that was placed the other day.
“Looks way nicer with them, don’t you think?”
“I guess it does…” Div trails off. He watches as Nav begins watering the remaining plants, humming the same unfamiliar tune. She takes a flower from his shelf, a wither rose she had brought weeks prior, beginning to droop and places it on the window still. The other flowers seated there shrink back in its presence, Div isn’t sure if she noticed.
“Would it be nice to have insects just hanging around everywhere?” Nav comments.
“They have spiders. And bees,” Div stated.
“Yeah but, do you think butterflies would be added?”
“I…I don’t know.” Div glances up at the ceiling, gripping at his jacket. “Maybe you could ask the owner to add it as a mod? I’m sure she will listen to you.”
“Perhaps,” she hums, “but she has been more reserved lately, ever since, well, you were banned.”
“Makes sense.” He turns to stare at the window again, watching the sun shine through the glass.
“Um, Orlixx told me what happened in the nether,” Nav mentioned. Div snaps his head back, seeing her face of guilt.
Don’t look at me like that—
“I’m really sorry that happened—”
“So you’re pitying me?” Div dryly snarked.
“N-no, I really want to give you flowers. Saturn was telling me how you loved them. I—I really just wanted to make up to you after everything that happened—”
“Get out.”
“Wha—”
“Just get out Nav! Just—Just leave me alone!” Div punches her, hard and square on her armour. Grey comes running down and continues the attack, scratching and biting her. Nav scrambles out of the door, Grey continues to chase. It growls loudly and jumps furiously. Div snaps out.
“Grey, stop,” he begged. Its barking ceased, and Grey turned back in confusion. It very slowly staggered back to the door, their tail tucked in and eyes drooping in shame. As soon as it stepped back into the base, Div crumples. Grey jumps alarmed, whining and sniffing at him. He grips his hands in its fur, breathing heavily. Eyes burning, head spinning, he squeezes his eyes shut. Then, it stopped.
At one point, he managed to stand again and retreated back into his bed. Div texted Nav he was sorry, but she has yet to reply. She’s angry, she will hate him again, just like before. He deserves it. Grey lies on his lap, body slowly rising and falling with every breath. Div’s eyes fall on the dead butterfly, still crumpled on the floor.
Slowly, he pushes Grey off and approaches it. Carefully scooping up its body, he carries it downstairs. After crafting a new chest, he takes the butterfly out. Grey follows behind him. For the first time since he lived in the base, Div enters the surrounding woods. He finds an obscured spot, a small lake exposed and surrounded by trees. At a random patch of dirt, he starts digging. Div takes the chest from his inventory and places it in the group. Then he reaches for the butterfly’s body. Slowly, he opens the chest and rests it inside. Something about it still felt empty, and he searched around the forest. Wool of dead sheep, leaf litter, green leaves. Once the chest was filled to the brim, he shuts the lid, and begins burying it. He kneels, staring down the at the hole.
“Goodbye,” Div whimpered. His body sways as he places the last block of dirt. He stumbles back. He brings his sleeve to his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. His body betrays him and his eyes do the same. He weeps, he sobs, he lets his body scream and shudder. The dirt, the lake, the oak trees, they are indifferent to his suffering. The wildflowers might sympathise, but they will ultimately join the beliefs of their warm temperate cousins.
There would be no headstone, no sign, no indication that this tiny pool of water would be someone’s resting place. And should anyone stumble upon it, they would not believe that a death took place here, if more than one at all.
“Here we are!”
“Finally!” Div hears Saturn groan.
Gracefall was still the same mountain and beaten down path. The lonely swing at the top of the mountain was still there, surrounded by signs nobody will remove. Patches of dandelions and daisies litter the mountain edges and ridges. Pika and Saturn decided to have a camping trip. Apparently they did it a lot when Div was away, and today they wanted him to tag along. Of course Grey had to come, or Saturn would complain.
Now they were preparing their makeshift camp space. Div had the least to do, and they made no effort to hide this. Saturn places their beds, technically sleeping bags, on the ground.
“Will this set our spawn?” he asked.
“Yeah it will, but at least if we die, we won’t be too far away,” Pika said, placing another wool block. Div crafts a campfire, placing it in the middle of their camping ground. Saturn finishes his tent and places wooden slabs as seats around the fire. They make a water hole and quietly fished, only Saturn wowing when Div somehow fished a mending book. By the time they finished, the sun was passed the horizon. They started cooking what fish they had caught. As they waited, the conversation shifted to the night sky.
“The stars are so pretty,” Saturn awed.
“Yeah, they are,” Div said, combing his fingers through Grey’s fur.
“Do you think someone has mapped out the constellations yet?” Saturn asked. Pika takes out a spyglass, and peers upward.
“Are there really constellations?” he questioned, “Because I can’t make anything out.”
“I heard stars are the same across different worlds,” Saturn mused.
“Really? Div wondered.
“Yeah! And I heard there were some super special stars too!”
“C’mon Saturn, they all look the same,” Pika sighed, tossing the spyglass on the carpet.
“I’m serious!” Saturn huffed, “You suck, Pika.”
“Can I have the spyglass?” Div asked. Saturn wordlessly passed it. Taking it and peering upward, he spots a cluster, consisting of a star and two smaller ones.
“What’s that star?” Div points at the sky.
There wasn’t actually anything special about it. All the stars were coded to be similar sizes and moved with the moon. Yet they looked like they were far closer at one point. Saturn with renewed excitement, gazes up as well.
“It kinda looks like us right?” he suggested.
“Does it?” Div wonders.
“I mean, look at all the stars surrounding them. It’s like they’re all friends!” Saturn wholeheartedly states, “I wished we’ll be forever like those stars. Do you think so, Div?”
Div pondered for a long moment.
“...I do,” he answers.
“Oh look, our food’s ready,” Pika nonchalantly said, picking up the slightly burnt cod and salmon. They continued staring up at the sky as they ate. Div snuck his food into Grey’s meal, nobody noticed. Saturn regaled a tale of star-crossed lovers that were separated, and how their pleas of reunification were met, only to reveal it was about two stars already present in the sky. Pika and him laugh, they complain about other members and before long, they retire for the night.
“Night Div,” Pika mumbled.
“You too,” Div returned. Pika rolled to his left in his sleeping bag. Saturn had long fallen asleep. They had left the fireplace lit to keep mobs from spawning around them. Div hugs Grey, also soundly in the world of dreams. As if they had done him any good. Eventually, he too is taken to the realm of slumber.
For a while, his dreams seemed as normal as they could be. Then the sky turns black again. They are back. They are back and they want to torture more of him. Div was sure these were figments of his broken imagination. But did Pika’s ears always look so crooked? Was Orlixx fully blind or partially? They all always said the same things. He was Div. He was a micro celebrity. He made content of the server. And he was a terrible person to all. Memories of old incidents, old misunderstandings, all merge into one horrible conclusion. He will never deserve human connection.
The figures close in on him, they swing swords, they hurl insults. Anything that could degrade Div’s already degraded being. Then Quakitus appeared. What did he say to him when he entered his home? His safe place? His escape from everything? Was the base he made a punishment? A sheaf of wheat appears in his hand, and his vision starts to slow and lag. Then Quakitus has a sword pointed at his stomach.
“For everyone.” The blade plunges into his body. Div squeaks, a pathetic sound, choking on his own blood. The blade twisted his insides, and vision blurs to red.
He jolts up from his sleeping bag, frantically looking around. The sun was just rising, the stars still present. Pika and Saturn were still fast asleep, tangled together. Grey miraculously did not wake. Div turned to Gracefall peak, and with adrenaline coursing through him, scrambled out of the tent. He climbs up with energy he did not have for so long. At the swing, he stares into the horizon, the reddish-orange glow bathing everything in its light. Div watched long and hard, giving silent wishes of thank you, and allowed his balance to falter.
Div_y fell off a high place.
His body spawns on his bed. No! Div scrambles off again, desperately spiriting off the cliff edge.
Div_y fell off a high place.
“Why won’t you let me die?” he whimpers to the ground. He runs back, and jumps again.
Div_y fell off a high place.
The breath returns to his lungs and he is back on the bed. Maybe it’s his spawn. The sun’s glow is gone. Oh god, he’s going to live. He will live to be alone. There’s people everywhere. They saw everything. Oh god, they will all hate him—
“He’s up there!”
“Somebody stop him!”
“Get a bucket!”
“Div what are you doing!” Arms are thrown around him and he is pulled back from the ledge. They topple over the grass as Div struggles to fight back.
“Let me die!” he sobs, “let me die!”
“Div, what is wrong with you!” He’s being trapped. No, he can’t live like this! More arms hold down his legs. Div thrashes at the assailants. Footsteps rapidly approach him. He punches, he screams. Why is it not enough?
“Pika! Saturn! keep holding him down!”
A hand with a white sleeve appeared in front of him, forcing something in his mouth. It’s foul, it tastes like weakness. The hand holds his jaw even as Div tries to spit it out.
“Drink it, please.” They sound pained. It goes down his throat roughly. Someone begs for mercy. He knows it’s not him. He keeps struggling, the arms around him are still locked together. There’s a faint barking in the distance. Spots started to appear in his vision. His mind turned more sluggish by the minute. Shouts of everyone surrounding him muddled together, until there was nothing left to be heard.
Everything around him was dark, shades of grey swirling around him. Is this what permanent death truly felt? To have your code be destroyed just like that? How comfortable it is. To be returned to nothingness and let your existence be forgotten. As soon as the thoughts came to mind, Div knew he jinxed it. The darkness left gradually, much to his displeasure. More light soon gave way and with much resistance, allowed his eyes to open.
He blinks, eyes darting around. The sun was up and high, basking the room entirely in light. He is back in his room, in his own bed. His throat felt scratchy, mouth sat uncomfortably. His body is tucked into several blankets of varying colours. Div pushes them away. He quickly sits up, a mistake, and winces as the blood rushes to his head. Suddenly there's the sound of chairs scraping, and footsteps frantically rush up towards him. Two players hurriedly emerged from the stairs. They stopped at the top, staring wide-eyed at him.
“Div…?” The familiar voice of Pika spoke.
“...Pika?” Div slurred.
“Oh, you’re alive, you’re alive…” Pika staggered forward, dropping his knees at the bed. The proximity startles Div. On closer inspection, dark circles sat under Pika’s eyes. Saturn looked no better, weakly leaning against the wall. This was the second time he saw them cry. Don’t look so sad, he would have said. A hand suddenly grips his own.
“Do you, remember what happened?” Pika carefully asked.
“I…I tried to die…right?” Div answered. He freezes, looking around.
“W-Where’s—”
“Grey’s staying with Shuppet and Sobr at the moment,” Saturn explained, “I can ask them to bring them back–”
Ah, of course they wouldn't leave an animal with the suicidal idiot.
“N-Nevermind, it’s fine.”
“Div, it’s not fine,” Pika said, a pained crack in his voice, “you’re hurting and we don’t know why.”
There is a knock on the front door, and Saturn leaves for downstairs. The door opens and shuts, followed by incoming footsteps. A player marches up the stairs, arms crossed. Div recognised them immediately. The mod looked severely at the room, glasses hiding their eyes. They notice Pika first, keeping their gaze locked on him.
“Is he up?” the mod asked.
“I am,” Div said. The mod turns towards him. For a moment, his set jaw seemed to relax, before widening and letting out a huge sigh.
“Well, Div. I don’t know if Saturn or Pika told you yet. But during the… ‘incident’, at Gracefall, you were given a weakness X potion to sedate you. You were knocked out for a few days, and now here you are. By orders from the head admin, you are to be accompanied at all times, you are not allowed to have any weapons on you. Should you be found breaking any of these, Saturn and Pika will report that to me. Any questions?”
“N-No,” Div answered.
“Good,” the mod nodded, “I’ll leave you guys be.”
Saturn came back up just as they were climbing down.
“The stew’s done,” Saturn said, “I’ll bring it up.”
Moments later a tray carrying a bowl of steaming stew and bread was brought up to the room. Saturn passes it to Pika and leaves again. He moves to sit at the side of the bed. Div watched as Pika tears the bread into chunks, sprinkling them over the bowl. He takes the spoon dipped in it and scoops the watery stew, holding out the spoon. Div lifts his arm to take it, only for it to be retracted. He frowns at the action.
“I can feed myself.”
“Spoons are counted as weapons,” Pika states. He holds out the utensil again, intensely staring at Div’s face. He internally cringed. He leans forward, closing his eyes and swallowing the stew. It feels like he is a baby. The stew felt more like a hot soup, mixed together with potatoes and meat bits. Pika scoops more stew, holding it out for Div to eat. This continued for ten more minutes, which was half filled with coaxing on Pika’s side. Div felt full after the first few spoons, but he had to keep going. The stew itself is hardly filling, but it's more than he would have eaten most of the time. After nearly an hour, the whole bowl was finally finished. Div lying back against his headboard, the heavy feeling of fullness unfamiliar and painful. He might have to throw up later. Pika had also helped him wipe his mouth, because apparently napkins were also weapons.
“It’s only temporary, until you’re, well…” Pika’s eyes darted to the floor. “Better.”
Pika tidied up the tray and Div’s blankets. He feels Div’s wrist, staring at it far too long for Div’s liking. He retracts his hands, hiding them under the covers.
“Pika?” Div spoke up.
“Yeah?” Pika stopped and put down the tray, his focus on Div.
“What’s going to happen to me now?”
“Well…You have to stay here, until the mods say you can come out, then until they…deem you’re not a….” Pika let out a shuddery breath, turning away.
“Pika, are you—”
“How long?”
“What?”
“How long have you been like this?” Pika cried, the edge of his voice trembling. Div stills, looking down at his covers.
“I…I don’t know, but—”
“But what?” Pika sniffed, “That you’ve been suffering all this time and we didn’t even notice?”
“No, Pika, it’s not like that—”
“We’re your friends, Div! I-I should’ve seen this! I visit you every day! How did I—” Pika cuts himself off, eyes looking puffy and red.
“Was that why you stopped messaging us when you joined that world? Was that why you were never awake?” Div looks away, gripping tighter at the covers. Deep inside, the guilt that he for so long repressed seemed to finally be biting back at him.
“It’s not your fault,” Div manages to say, unable to meet his eyes. Pika snorts, mournful and in denial.
“And it’s not yours either.” As he said that, Saturn comes back up again and Pika retreats to the downstairs. Saturn tells him about some incident that happened while he was knocked out. Div makes no indication of listening, and Saturn does not press.
When night fell, they still had not left. Div tried to kick them out, on the grounds that it was his base. Neither of them budged. A different mod came over to check on him. They start talking more to him than to his friends. He’d honestly prefer just keeping quiet in the background. He eventually drifted to sleep, ignoring everyone that night. Until another nightmare chased him out of his slumber. He jerked awaked, frantically looking over the room. Pika was slumped over a nearby chair, and Saturn was wide awake.
“Div? You good?” He tapped his shoulder.
“Sorry, just, a nightmare,” Div muttered, lolling his head towards Saturn as he spoke.
“How long have you had them?” Div furrows his brows.
“I don’t remember.” He turns his back towards Saturn. “Goodnight.”
Sleep came easy afterwards, and no more nightmares seem to haunt him. It stayed this way until he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. Blearily opening his eyes, the light informing him of the morning’s arrival.
“There’s someone here to see you,” the voice sounding like Saturn said in his ear. Hands help him sit up and comb his hair. Footsteps become louder until they stop at the foot of his bed. The guests, Sobr and Shuppet, nervously stood a block away.
“Hey, just wanted to check and see how you were doing,” Sobr slowly said, his tone unnaturally soft. Div shifted uncomfortably, giving no reply.
“Oh, and we brought Grey back! You can meet Sora as well!” He motions to Shuppet, carrying two identical dogs in his arms. He steps forward, bending down and gently placing the orange collared one on the covers. Div hitches his breath, feeling the dog squirm on his legs. The whole room’s attention seemed on it. The dog sniffed unfamiliarly at the air. Then, the moment its eyes landed on Div, a flash of recognition gleamed its eyes. It goes to pounce on to his lap, going up to him and licking at his face. He barely registers it, until its paws gripped at his chest.
“Hey…Grey…” He wraps his hands around them, burying his face in his fur.
“I’m sorry I was gone so long…” he whispers in its ear. Grey grumbles and licks another strip on his cheek. Wait, this isn’t dog saliva? He weakly coughs, holding Grey closer. He wipes his face, looking up to Shuppet and Sobr.
“Thank you,” he thanked. The two of them smiled back at him.
“You’re welcome,” Shuppet replied. His own dog, Sora, had wriggled out of his arms. It stood on the bed, sniffing at Grey’s body. It curls at the foot of the bed, a low rumbling indicating their presence.
“He was a good dog.” Sobr sits on the edge of the bed and strokes Sora. “Protected all the golems from rogue mobs all week.”
“Did you, now?” He scratches Grey’s head. It let out a pleased whine.
“I’ll have to treat you, how does extra food feel?” Div asked innocuously.
“Don’t give him your food, you need to eat,” Pika reminded.
“I know, I know…” Div said, continuing to scratch Grey's chin. He turns to Sobr and Shuppet.
“Are you two staying for the time?” he asked.
“Oh no, we just came to drop Grey and check on you.” Sobr rubs his fingers. “But, before I go, do you mind if I ask what happened to the butterfly?”
“The what?”
“The one that’s on your head? It’s gone, did you decide to change your skin, or something?” Sobr points to the side of his head.
“Oh…it…died a while back.” Div lowers his head.
“Oh…uhm…I see…Well, like I said, me and Shuppet have to go. See you next time guys!” Sobr exclaims. Shuppet picks up Sora, waving goodbye to the group.
“Take care!”
“Stay safe.”
Pika stayed in the room as Saturn brought the two players to the door. When the door closed, replaced by footsteps ascending the stairs, Saturn came up carrying another tray. It’s placed at the side of his bed again, carefully cutting what seemed to be a freshly-baked potato. Div watches as he does so, not taking his eyes off Pika.
“Do you think people are worthy of forgiveness?” Div asked, head tilting to look at the too tall ceiling.
“I think, everybody is, no matter how much time it takes,” Pika explained, continuing at the task at hand.
“Do you think I am capable?” Div blurts. Pika pauses, looking in deep thought.
“I think, you just can’t believe you can.” He stabs a cube of baked potato, holding out the fork. “Now eat.”
Morning soon came again. And the morning after, and the mornings continued until Div’s memories seemed perpetually filled with them. After a while, it was deemed that he could leave his bed and ‘resume normal activities supervised’. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t stay in bed all day, and the moment he was awake, was shuffled out of his bed and downstairs. A mod would stop by and chat with them for a few minutes before leaving as quickly as they came. All his chests including the food storage had been locked. If Div needed anything, Saturn or Pika had to retrieve it for him. When they made dinner, Div was always on duty for setting the plates, because he was barred from the actual cooking process as it had what were considered ‘weapons’.
They talk to him, more than he ever wanted to, about anything under the sun. Only things that were considered negative were off the table, the conversation being immediately switched without his input. After a few days, it becomes easier to anticipate it. Grey joins them for most conversations, more often than not ending up snuggled in Div’s arms. Or on the rare occasions, attempting to escape Saturn’s grasp.
Most nights Div still rouses awake, when nightmares that lay dormant in the light start to strike when it is gone. Breaking out into cold sweat, Grey being the first to notice, cuddling up to him. Then came waking Pika and Saturn who checked to make sure he was okay. Usually after there would be no more, and he could return to proper sleep. Other nights the nightmares were too real, leaving him clinging tightly on either of his friend’s clothes until he was sure he was safe again. Pika and Saturn, they never left him alone once. Div had insisted to them to place beds here, and not just sleep on a hard wooden chair.
They eventually did, after a whole day of bugging. Ironically, they stay up far later, continuing their conversations till the stars begin their descent. Some days he cannot climb out of bed, other days he cannot wake at all. Saturn and Pika still stood by him, no matter what came their way. Then, like any other morning, a mod came by again.
“You’re free to roam outside your house, but you cannot leave the garden bounds,” she explained. Pika and Saturn’s faces light up.
“Div, isn’t this great? You can finally feel the sun again!” he exclaimed. Div should have felt happy, yet the idea of being in the warm sun seemed to irk him.
“How about we tend to the flowers? I’m sure they would like to be watered, and the ones here would surely also want to join their friends?” Saturn suggested.
“Grey could go out and play,” Div added softly.
“Let’s go out now!” Saturn dashes and flings open the door. Pika offers out his hand, which Div hesitantly takes. He led him outside to the bright garden. He squinted his eyes, using his other hand to shield them. The sun was far brighter than the torches used to light his base. Interesting, it wasn’t as warm as Div expected. Even Grey seemed to like the weather. The garden looked much nicer since he had left it. Perhaps Pika and Saturn had been maintaining it. Saturn suddenly appears behind him, carrying several pots of flowers. He drops them on the ground, miraculously none of them breaking.
“What are we waiting for? Get to planting!” Saturn starts first, taking a cornflower and placing it beside the sunflowers. Pika passes him a shovel, and he starts digging at the ground beside them. Pika also hands Div a spade, much to his surprise.
“You’re just giving this to me?”
“I’ll be here,” Pika said. Div looks over the weapon, or what would have been considered one by the mod team. It felt foreign and wrong just holding it. He grabs a nearby orange tulip and stabs his spade into the soil. Carefully remove the plant from its pot, lower it into the newly made hole, make sure it settles in. The steps call back to him easily as his thoughts are turned off. He plants the tulip with a red and white one of its kind. Grey sniffs at the unbloomed buds curiously. Saturn notices first, and grabs him kicking and shrieking.
The three of them work in comfortable silence, only the sounds of digging and metal hitting the ground. Grey started making rounds, making sure they did their work right. Not even the forest disrupts them. Then, unfamiliar footsteps begin to approach. Div is the first to look up. Coming closer, an orange blazer and mob of white hair come into view, waving to him. He peers at the name tag, and the horrible feeling of fear fills him.
“Div! What. a. surprise!” Orion greeted. Div doesn’t dare look back. In the corner of his eye, a large lens pointed at him.
“Hi Orion…” Div mumbled.
“Hey, could you turn off that livestream?” Saturn pointed a spade at him.
“It’s fine, he’s okay with it. Aren’t you Div?”
“...”
“In any case, I’m here because I have a gift for you. I saw from your old videos that you like horses,” Orion started.
“I…I haven’t seen a horse in weeks…” Div admitted.
“In any case, it’s just over at my base, you wanna come–”
“You know that Div can’t leave his base, right? Weren’t you at the meeting?” Pika interrupted.
“I’m sorry what meeting–”
“You know Div's a grown man right? He doesn’t need to be babied, coddled, cooped up playing house,” Orion scoffed, the livestream chat booing from the camera.
“He’s not well! He needs rest!” Saturn cried.
“Ohh please, like he needs it!” Orion rolled his eyes.
“No means no, Orion! Or we’re reporting you to Blepxy!” Pika threatened.
“Fine, alright! I’ll bring the horse another time,” Orion sighed loudly. The three hoped that he would leave, instead he hung around, keeping his livestream on. In the corner of Div’s eye, he spots Pika tightening his hold on a pot, his eyes looking like he wanted to murder.
“What are you even doing anyway?” Orion bends down to Div’s level. Div flinches, trying to make as much space as he could between the two of them.
“I'm gardening,” he answered.
“Yeah, I can see that…” Orion mumbled to his camera. Div hears his chat jeer. He ignores it, turning back to the plants in front of him.
“What’s with that flower?” Orion questions, pointing at the pot in Div’s hand. The black flower curls upward, negative energy emitting darkly from it. The flowers nearby turn away from them. Div feels it squirm in its pot, and is unable to help the pang of pity.
“It’s just killing all the other flowers,” he whispers.
Wither roses were popular flowers for mob farms, but definitely not for gardens. Being plants born of the undead, as dastardly their appearance was, their way of surviving was as equally so. As they cannot make their own food, they live off the life energy of living beings. Any plant or animal that was near it would receive the withering effect, as the black flower sucked the energy from them. Eventually, they too would die, after bringing down every other living creature around them.
“Have you thought of, not just putting it in the garden? They do no harm when they’re away from other mobs,” Orion said.
“I don’t think it would work, and I don’t want it…” Div clenches the soil, “to be alone.”
It wasn’t their fault they were coded the way they were.
“Well, maybe they just need a nicer home.” With no prior warning, the pot is snatched from his hand. “Here, let me help.”
“What are you—Stop it!” Div quickly stands, but not fast enough. The rose was ripped from its pot by the head. Then staring down at Div, Orion tightened his fist around the plant. A sickening crush filled the garden. He dusted his hands, letting the mangled stem and petals fall.
“There, now they do no harm.” Div stares frozen at the fallen plant, no longer moving. He could hear Orion’s chat sneer and chortle at the sight, all while he does nothing to control them. He knees down, cupping the dying flower in his palm. A warm hand places itself on his shoulder.
“Div, it’s alright, we’ll find another one—” His heart rate quickens, so does his breath.
“Oh, don’t look so sad. After all, it’s just going to wreck the rest of your flowers anyway—”
“I’m going to kill you!” Div kicks Orion’s feet, knocking him off. He stands, landing a punch at Orion’s arm, knocking the camera off his hand.
“I’ll kill you! I’ll make you pay for what you did!” Panic dawns on Orion’s face as he makes a sad attempt to fight back. He grabs the nearby spade, but it's no use.
“Div!” Arms are thrown around him, but he couldn't care less. He throws them off, slamming Orion into the ground. Barking in the distance is immediately suppressed. More punches are thrown. Div lets anger guide, watching it all happen. More arms grab at his own. He hisses at them, flailing his legs.
“Div! Stop!” a new voice spoke. Div stops flailing, the fog in his mind being lifted. Hesitantly he raises his head, eyes falling on the beaten player. Div brings a hand to cover his gaping mouth. A mod holds Orion with his arms held behind his back. A black eye looks straight into him, the bruised mouth dropping open.
“Looks like nothing’s changed, huh?” Orion spat. The mod holds a sword to his neck, yet he still kept going.
“You’re still the same old, selfish Div I know. Quakitus made a grave mistake letting you return. You better—” Orion’s body falls to the ground, despawning in a puff of smoke. The mod closes their communicator, huffing and shaking their head.
“Sorry, I’ll deal with him,” the mod apologized, then they teleported away. Figures became closer around him.
“Div, are you hurt? Do you need anything?” He can’t tell whose voice said that.
“I…I need to—” He stares down at his hands, all shaking and sweating. He charges towards the door, alarmed shouts catching up to him.
“Div wait!” He flings the door open, running up the stairs and into his room. The voices followed closely behind. Using the dirt, he slams the blocks at the opening. They are mined out, but he instantly places another.
“Div, don’t do this,” the voice on the other side pleaded.
“Please...” Div choked his back against the blocks. “Leave me alone…Just get out!”
There was no sound from the other side, as he waited anxiously for an answer. Eventually, the sound of wood creaking signalled their presence.
“We’ll come back okay? W-We’ll talk in the morning.” Footsteps start to walk away, becoming fainter until they are gone. The door was closed, and it was finally quiet. It was so suffocating, and so unbearably warm. This quiet was so fragile, tense and the aching pain tightened at his heart. Div crawled into bed, and hugs himself weakly. He doesn’t recall when he finally drifted to sleep, only the sound of icy winds whispering his name being the last thing he heard.
The front door flings open, waking Div from his hollow rest. Worried barking filled the base, reverberating across the walls. Frantic footsteps approach the stairs, stomping with each step. Anxiously, he sits up, keeping his eyes on the stairs. A block of dirt is broken. Then there is a mob of dark hair. Quakitus came emerging from the hole, gasping for breath. He meets Div eyes, and neither of them make a move. He stood at the top of the stairs for a long while, until he broke his trance.
“Div,” Quakitus breathed.
“Q-Quakitus...” Div shuffles forward in his bed.
“It’s okay, don’t cry.” Quakitus staggers towards him, wrapping his arms around Div, which he readily accepts. Quakitus’ body was cold, like he just came from the snowy biome. A welcome comfort from the relenting warmth.
“Y-You came back…” he sobbed.
“I did…” Quakitus murmured. He doesn’t pull away, and Div pulls him closer. Dust and sweat stain his cheeks, mixing with the dried tears. Quakitus looked like he had seen better days. His hair was frazzled, oil and dirt sticking together. His clothes did not look any better, frumpled and covered in spills. Div was the one to pull away first, wiping his dripping nose.
“I…I-I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” he stuttered, hiccuping, “is the complaint centre finished already?”
“No, it’s not. I-I came as soon as I heard what happened yesterday,” Quakitus explained.
“Was it Pika and Saturn?” Div mumbled and asked.
“Yeah, it was,” Quakitus answered. Div tugs at his dress shirt, dragging him to lay on the bed together. It wasn’t a very big bed, and the two’s shoulders’ bumped together. The uncomfortable heat of the room laid on his skin, slowly dissipating into a chill to his bones. Div sighed at the relief, the sweat against his forehead also evaporating. Quakitus silently asked to grip his hand. It was cold, clammy and a welcome feeling.
“Sorry I wasn’t there, during the whole, you know,” he gestures awkwardly at Div. Div lets out a tired chuckle, slumping back against his pillow.
“Weren’t you being punished by the mods for bribery?” Div recalled, Quakitus stifled a laugh, embarrassed.
“That I was.” He turns to face the ceiling. “That’s what 20 dollars gets you.”
“How’s the complaint centre going?” Div questions.
“Oh, you would not believe what the mods keep requesting. Multicoloured rainbows, cloud chairs, wool lounges, quartz entrances, the new mod team sounds like they are children!”
“Okay, what if they just like rainbows?”
“What, like they’re gay?”
“Bro, that’s so cringy!" Div exclaimed, slapping Quakitus’ shoulder, his own face turning red. Quakitus flashes a pleased smirk, snickering proudly. He stopped suddenly, eyes dropping on the floor. Div follows them, and freezes at the staring dog.
“Oh hello again,” Quakitus gently greeted, Grey stepping forward apprehensively, its beady eyes pointed at Div.
“You stayed…” Grey tilts his head in confusion.
“Who’s this one?” Quakitus asked.
“Its name’s Grey.” Grey sniffs cautiously at Quakitus’ foot. When it deemed him not a threat, it climbed onto the bed. Div reaches over Quakitus, picking it up and settling it on his chest. He strokes through the cool, silky fur on its back, inviting Quakitus to do the same.
“It’s so much like Shuppet…” he mentions. Grey stares at Quakitus curiously. He scratches under its chin. Grey’s tail wags behind him, beating against Div’s elbow.
“Is it?”
“All dogs have their own personalities,” Quakitus explains, “they got that ever since the new variants came out.”
“But it's still just code, no?”
“Perhaps, but—” Grey pokes his nose at Quakitus’ face, earning a laugh. It sounds like bells singing. “Then again, we are also made of code. Our being, our minds, our perspective is all affected by code, no?”
“Everyday our code is cut, rewritten, pulled apart, and yet we are still here. We, players, who have been gifted to bend worlds to our will, just as much as it changes us. All the little things still make us, the people around us ‘us’. Is that not beautiful to think about?” Quakitus looks back at him, black eyes glassy and soft, in that sort of endearing way you would show to the ones you were close with. He waits for an answer, an answer Div wasn’t sure was the right one at this moment.
“I…don’t know if I fully believe that,” he confessed. Quakitus no longer presses.
“How have you been doing? I…I know I should have been checking on you more regularly.” Quakitus gazed at him worriedly. “Pika and Saturn…told me, about what happened to cause you to be on house arrest.”
“They called it that?”
“Well, the mods did, and they had protocols made for all the possibilities of you escaping and trying to hurt yourself.”
“Geezs, I didn’t think it was this bad.” Quakitus gave him a deadpanned look.
“You think?”
“I thought they were just exaggerating!”
“But, you have been okay here, right?” Quakitus carefully asked. Div stills at the questions, grimacing at the thought.
“If I’m being honest…no.” He hugs Grey tighter, his lungs constricting painfully in his chest. “Sometimes, when I see all the flowers and this green, I always feel so guilty. I don’t feel like I deserve it, not after everything. I know you forgave me, I know everyone else welcomes me back, but…I can’t bring myself to accept this.”
“I…I miss the cold, I miss the cabin, but…I don’t want to go back.” Tears threaten to spill at his eyes, making it hard to stay open. Div’s vision blurred, and checkered arms wrapped around him.
“You will never need to go back there, you’re safe here, and will always be.”
“How did you enter my world by the way? You never answered my question the last time.” Quakitus’ eyes tensed slightly before relaxing. His lips winced, and he began speaking.
“Well, after Orlixx and the others sat me down, I needed to clear my head and decided to go to another server to do so.” Quakitus buries his head in Div’s shoulder, with the same faraway look Div had seen back in the snowy cabin. “For some reason, a new server had appeared on my list. I’ve never joined it before, so I asked anyone if they knew what it was. Pika was the one to tell me that the server was your world.”
“Then he started talking about how you cooped yourself up in there, and how you rarely replied to their messages,” Quakitus continued, “but he was also unsure why your world had even appeared on my server list.”
“I…thought about whether to try joining it for a while,” he said.
“What made you then?” Div pressed.
“The anger from everyone finally left, and people were talking about you. There was… more sorrow, more sadness in their words. Do you know Nav said that she misses you? She hated you before she even met you, and then she was going on about how different the whole server is without you.”
“I…she never told me that…” Enraged barking and hurtful words come to mind. Grey also seemed to sense them, grunting in guilt and wiggling out of Div’s arms and onto the floor. Div lets it, watching it curl onto the wood.
“I…shouted at her, the last time she came to see me,” he muttered regretfully.
“Nav, told me about that… she’s been nothing but worried about you.”
“Why?” Div sobbed. Quakitus looks at him like he asked an obvious question.
“You are loved, Div. Why can’t you see that?”
“But I’m not. Nobody would love someone like me. I’ve…I’ve hurt so many people.” Div gripped his blanket. “Even the butterfly left me…”
“Butterfly?” Fingers gently run through his hair, twirling and picking at the locks. They stop at the side of his head, feeling there. Quakitus faces Div, expression dropping and looking at him in wrecked grief.
“Div, I’m so sorry,” he truthfully said.
“I…I buried it…in the forest…” Div admits, curling his fingers into the bedsheet.
“We can always go and visit it. You, me, Pika and Saturn,” Quakitus whispers.
“I…I didn’t leave a marker…”
“We can always go back and put one.”
“Mhm…” Div slurred into Quakitus’ vest.
“It stayed with me, when I thought no one else would,” Div whimpered.
“And we will also stay with you, no matter what happens,” Quakitus holds his hand, gazing so tenderly unlike anything anyone has ever given him. Div sobs, he weeps, he wails hysterically, uncaring what he sounds. He lets the long, suppressed tears fall onto the sheets. All that pain stabs at him all at once, embedding deep into his skin and bones. He grabs at Quakitus’ clothes, staining them further with tears. Hands rubs his back in a circling motion meant to soothe him. He lets out a shuddering breath, his lungs burning of oxygen and heart racing.
“There, there,” Quakitus mumbled comfortingly.
“I’ll keep trying, “ Div repeated, “I’ll keep trying.”
“I know, and I’ll be there, we’ll all be there, till that old laugh returns.”
Somewhere, a pale butterfly fluttered by, and the universe smiled.