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Nicholas Wang is cool. He’s suave, stylish and moves through life undeterred.
Harua likes him a whole lot.
Even after learning that he’s ridiculously superstitious, wheezes when he laughs and is a tad insecure about looking scary and standoffish unless he smiles, Harua still looks at him with marvel, hungry to steal just a speck of the light he radiates.
Nicholas buys a pair of ridiculously oversized pants, Harua buys a pair of ridiculously oversized pants. Nicholas starts frequenting an izakaya in Tokyo Harua has never heard of despite growing up in the city? He tags along and annoys him into paying the bill by acting the role of the irresistibly cute younger brother. Nicholas gets obsessed with brand or a slang, which he mispronounces in a way that’s one part silly, two parts endearing? Before he knows it, Harua starts using it daily. Nicholas can pretend it annoys him all he wants, but he’s not made Harua pay or told him to fuck off once since they started going out together, just the two of them.
Yudai calls it a puppy crush, Yuma calls it misplaced admiration and Taki makes him promise to be the best man at their wedding, which is funny because Harua doesn’t plan on getting married until 30 at the very least. Yudai’s enthusiasm is sweet but ill-placed and Yuma has no say in the matter because he missed his chance to become Mr. Wang by being a monumentally stupid asshole and breaking Nicholas’s heart – albeit, unknowingly – about 9 months ago. And Taki is, well, Taki.
Harua likes the smell of Nicholas’s pungent perfumes, the sound of his widgeting with the million trinkets on his bag, his voice thawing and sweeter than sweet when he’s well rested, scratchy and deep after a long day of schedules. Harua wants to breath him in until everything Nicholas Wang enters into him and they become indistinguishable.
“Are you trying to fuck Euijoo-hyung?” Maki’s voice echoes loudly in the empty dorm and Harua almost gets a whiplash from how fast he looks back.
“What?” two parts confusion, one part bewilderment.
“Are you trying to fuck Euijoo-hyung?”
So Harua did hear him correctly the first time, huh.
The thing about admiration, Harua concludes, is that you’re not in control of what you end up mimicking. And in the case of Nicholas, try as you might, you can’t not inherit the strange clinginess and borderline obsession towards Byun Euijoo.
Harua reaches for the same tacky sunglasses Nicholas does in the store, he starts picking at his skin like Nicholas who doesn’t know what to do with his hands, and, naturally, he finds himself orbiting Euijoo.
It’s not that Harua had never found himself alone with Euijoo on purpose. Euijoo can be a calming presence but he gets easily riled up and doesn’t really know how to dish it, is only able to take it. Lately when Harua looks his way he doesn’t see a leader burdened by the world on his shoulders or an older brother who likes to act coy under the guise of entertainment. He doesn’t even see him as Yudai’s thing to take care of, or as Nicholas’s friend to tease and jab at constantly, or as Yuma’s yet another ike-crush.
He looks at Euijoo and can’t focus on anything that’s not the curve of his cupid’s bow, the moles doting his neck and disappearing beneath the collar, the wisps of hair curling at his nape.
“Huh.”
Maki looks at him with a raised eyebrow.
“I guess I am.” The eyebrow shoots impossibly higher. What kind of an answer was he expecting anyways?
“Whoah, I didn’t expect a confession.”
Harua looks at him like he’s stupid because he is. He’s always straight to the point, what purpose is there to keep away his desire under lock and key, hide it like it’s something shameful and unsightly?
“Right so, do you want to fuck him because you think he’s hot or because Nicholas thinks he’s hot?” No one is faster to recover and be back on the offense than Maki. Luckily, Harua is mostly past feeling ashamed of who he finds attractive. The question is still a slap to the cheek but nothing he can’t take.
“I don’t know?” he stops and thinks about it for a second. Euijoo’s mop of a hair. Nicholas’ hand in Euijoo’s mop of hair. Euijoo’s breathy laugh and red cheeks when he’s embarrassed. Nicholas’ sly smile and sharp teeth when Euijoo laughs all breathy and his cheeks turn red from embarrassment. Shit. “ Both I guess.”
“Uhuh.” Maki looks at him two parts amused, one part confused.
“What?”
“I just didn’t think you’d admit it, you always well..” he trails off and it sets off alarms in Harua’s head. He always what?
“I guess you never talked about being into guys.” Maki finishes off in a hush tone. He looks only a little uncomfortable, mostly curious. And it is true, Harua never knew being into guys was a thing before he debuted, before he met Nicholas.
Or, well, it’s not that he didn’t know, but he did his very best to ignore it. Growing up in the countryside and dreaming of being an idol is one thing. Looking the way he does – short, narrow shoulders, girly features – it only made it worse, the speculations that much louder and unforgiving. Harua is confident now. Strong and sure and even a little mean, though that’s mostly Yuma’s fault. But back then he was thirteen with a target on his back. Liking guys or.. thinking about liking guys, was not something he could even fathom. It helped that he was actually very much into girls as well. An upperclassman from the Student council, a pretty girl his age from the dance studio – Harua wasn’t suitorless. He fit many people’s definition of a pretty boyfriend, leaned into it as much as possible, but as soon as they crossed the line which they all inevitably did – called him pretty, asked him to dress up a certain way – Harua pulled away.
And then came Nicholas.
“Well, I am.” Maki hums at his response. “I guess I mostly dated girls back in high school but yeah, I.. like guys too.” Harua doesn’t know why he’s so on the fence about admitting it. It’s Maki for God’s sake. Maki who’s known him since he was stick-thin and would cry when he couldn’t remember choreography fast enough. Maki who used to seek his affection like the baby brother Harua never had. Maki who’s also very exclusively into guys. Maki whose heart he broke two years ago and thought it would be all over. Friendship spoiled forever, career ending prematurely. Thankfully being seventeen and an idiot passes quite quickly.
“I mean, Euijoo-hyung does kind of look like a girl when he–”
“Shut up.” Harua jabs Maki in the ribs and giggles out loud. “Seriously, don’t say that ever again. Do you want me to go back in the closet again or something?”
Maki lifts his hands up in a show of indifference but the corners of his mouth betray him: “I’m just saying. If the shoe fits.”
Harua rolls his eyes: “Go dress him up in Nichol’s clothes then since you’re so into it. Maybe he’ll even let you.”
“There’s like two people he’d allow to do that to him and I’m not one of them.”
“True.” Harua giggles. He thinks about Nicholas’ broad shoulders, the scar on his arm as it snakes around Euijoo’s narrow waist, before Euijoo swats it away. Then there’s Yudai towering ever so slightly over Euijoo, gaze always intense but mellow and sweet when directed to their leader. Yudai is straight, supposedly. That doesn’t stop Euijoo from blushing like a fair maiden when he pays him attention in a way that feels too personal, too reminiscent of their history together. Harua recalls all the times he’s seen Euijoo tuck his hair behind his ear when Yudai puts an arm around his shoulders, the thin layer of sweat which Yudai used to carefully wipe off with a towel off Euijoo’s face during dance lesson breaks.
Man, Harua thinks. Yudai is an asshole.
“What are you doing?” Harua asks bewildered as a very naked Nicholas gets on all fours and looks over his shoulder at Harua with eagerness that's disproportionate to the situation they're in.
Nicholas seemingly pays Harua’s question no attention and tosses him the lube which was sitting right next to the pillow. When Harua makes no move to grab it, keeps staring at Nicholas’ narrow hips and arched back instead, a loud huff sounds through the room.
“Come on, are you gonna make me open myself up? I'm tired, take care of me.”
Harua keeps staring at him, mouth slightly agape. They've never had sex before. Everything was obviously leading up to it — Nicholas clingier than ever, hand always in the back pocket of Harua’s jeans, mouth close to his neck as he laughed inside the crook of it. Still, Harua didn't expect it to come so soon. They'd just come back from their regular shopping and eating ramen that's too expensive outing, when Nicholas, charming and unafraid, leaned in and kissed Harua breathless. And now they're naked in his bed, sweaty and strung up, or at least Harua is. Nicholas looks quite comfortable.
Harua thought he had a pretty good idea of how this would all go down, if it ever did. Nicholas would push him against the white sheets, disappear between his legs and—
Except he's urging Harua to grab the lube bottle and open him up. Nicholas’ cheek is pressed against the bedsheets, his eyes slanted but pleading. Harua feels lightheaded. Doesn't know what to do with it, with him.
Nicholas, initially irritated that Harua is taking his sweet time, softens up once he sees Harua is genuinely stunted.
“What is it?” he asks, his voice hoarse with an underlying sweetness to it.
“Nothing. I just didn't expect things to go like this.” Harua may be stunned but he's always truthfull. He wants Nicholas to know his virtues, his caring nature, his hands that offer goodwill. He also wants Nicholas to see the stickiness inside his chest, the fear and insecurity. It always goes both ways with Harua. He can never be unfaithful to the ones he cares about.
Nicholas looks confused for a second, his eyes searching Harua’s face, then it clicks.
“Did you want me on top instead?”
Harua thinks about it. Did he? He's never been with a guy before, dreaded it. This part where they'd probably expect him to lie down and take it. That's why he never let himself be truly alone with Nicholas, even after he convinced himself that he'd be fine with spreading his legs if it's for him. But then Nicholas, tall and strong and firm, finds a way to lay all his worries to rest. Harua likes him so much.
“No, no. I just didn't expect you to want me on top.” Harua feels ridiculous as he speaks the words out loud but it's the truth. Nicholas rolls his eyes and laughs, somehow avoiding sounding mean, only a little teasing.
“It doesn't matter to me. You can take me however.” Harua’s breath hitches. Ah.
“Don't say that.”
Nicholas smirks, then he wiggles until his ass is pressed to Harua’s front. His lips stretch even wider as he feels Harua hot and heavy behind him.
“Why not? Am I making you feel strange? Good? Which one?” Harua’s eyebrow twitches but he doesn’t want to give Nicholas what he wants. Instead he snakes a hand between Nicholas’ thighs and squeezes meanly. Nicholas gasps all breathy and desperate and it takes everything in Harua not to lose his mind. He’s so wet.
“Both.” Following in Wang Nicholas’ steps means becoming intimately acquainted with what makes him laugh but also what makes him shut up, sink his teeth into his bottom lip. Harua wants to ruin him, wants to be ruined by him. Fuck.
“Why aren’t you doing anything about it then?” His bottom lip is blood red from biting down so harshly and Harua wants to lean down, drink him in big gulps. Instead his movements, sure and purposeful, halt and he looks at Nicholas like the clueless twenty year old that he is. One part shy, two parts eager.
“I’ve never.. with a guy.”
Nicholas smiles and the sun shines on Harua, warm and all encompassing.
“That’s okay. Just imagine I’m a girl.” Harua’s eyebrows shoot up and he pinches Nicholas’ side which makes him collapse into a fit of giggles. He’s no longer pressed to Harua, instead lying fully on the soft sheets. When he stops laughing he turns around on his back.
“What? I’m trying to help.”
“I know.” Harua huffs and it comes out tenser than he expected it to. He hesitates but then says it as it is. Because it’s Nicholas and he trusts him. “I like you because you’re a guy.” Nicholas smiles, brings his hand up and strokes Harua’s burning cheek.
“I know.”
“I want to sleep with you because you’re a guy.” Nicholas hums, wrapping his legs around Harua’s waist, bringing him close until there’s no space between them. Harua whines, pleasure and confusion mixing, clouding his mind.
“I want to touch you and to make you feel good, want you to think about me next time someone’s in between your legs.” Nicholas’ smile remains radiant and only a little mean, his soft gums and sharp teeth on full display. He’s pleased by Harua’s words, clearly.
“Don’t you mean the next time you’re in between my legs?” Nicholas asks.
Euijoo’s soft gaze and clumsy hands flash before Harua’s eyes. Should he touch Nicholas in a way that’s reminiscent? Does Nicholas even want to be touched by Euijoo or is Harua getting it twisted, weaving in his own set of desires into the tapestry that is Wang Nicholas?
“You haven’t even had me once, how do you know you’ll want a second time? What if I suck?” It’s playful as much as it is truthful. The first and last girl Harua slept with was his girlfriend from high school, which was four years ago. Meanwhile Nicholas is sprawled naked on the bed, confident in his body and ability to please whoever. He’s flexible and accommodating. Harua wants to be like him, but ends up rigid and rule-abiding instead. What is it about Nicholas that lets him be without a care in the world? Harua is jealous of this ability of his, wants to copy it faithfully but fails more often than not.
“You follow directions well, if I tell you I like something once you never forget it.” Harua lets the answer settle somewhere deep inside him, warm him up. Then instead of continuing to banter, which Nicholas can do until the sun rises, he leans down and kisses him. Nicholas purrs like a cat, wraps his arms around Harua’s narrow shoulders and lets himself get smothered.
When Harua smooths a hand between his muscly thighs, fingers dripping, Nicholas smiles around a gasp. It’s easy after that. Nicholas is a creature of pleasure. Loves feeling good and useful and adored. Loves making people feel good and useful and adored even more. Harua is equal parts excited and nervous, his erection flagging down while he prepares Nicholas, too busy paying attention to his every twitch and gasp. That doesn’t deter Nicholas any. Once he’s loose and goopy he goes down on Harua, almost making him come in the process. Harua has to drag him by the hair but instead of gasping in pain, Nicholas looks at him with hooded eyes and Harua can’t take it anymore.
“Does it feel good?” Nicholas asks and it’s supposed to be reassuring but Harua is so highstrung everything sounds like a jab so he grumbles in annoyance and bites down on Nicholas’s shoulder as a form of retaliation.
He's inside Nicholas. Fuck.
“How are you so calm?” Harua asks, nosing along Nicholas’s sweaty neck. He smells so good.
“I’m not.”
“What do you mean you’re not?”
“Look at me.” A whisper.
Harua’s arms tremble but he manages to peel himself off Nicholas’s chest. When he looks down he bites down on his lip. Nicholas is trembling. It’s not excessive, he’s only able to see it because they’re so close to each other, but it makes something in Harua swell.
Nicholas Wang is cool. He’s suave, stylish and moves through life undeterred. He’s also melting into the sheets under Harua. It’s nothing Harua would have imagined could occur between them when they first met, but it’s good. And what feels good is surely just.
“Do you and Euijoo–” Harua begins asking but bites down on his lip hard once he realizes what he’s about to say. What is wrong with him? He just fucked Nicholas, who’s laying content next to him in bed and he’s asking what exactly? Do you and your best friend sleep together? Does he fuck you better than me? What is sex like with him?
Shit. He must be losing his mind. This is all Maki’s fault.
Nicholas, who looks like he’s seconds away from dozing off, opens his eyes lazily and looks at Harua amused. Harua braces for the teasing which he admittedly deserves.
“Euijoo?” There's clear amusement in Nicholas’s voice. Harua tries to channel his inner Wang Nicholas and stand tall behind his own words but he feels his shoulders sag almost immediately.
“Forget about it. I don’t know what I was trying to ask.”
“No, no, no, tell me.”
“It’s nothing, really.”
“Come on, I just let you have your way with me, the least you can do is tell me what part Euijoo plays in all this.” Shit. Harua wants to press his hand onto Nicholas’ mouth and stop him from speaking but he can’t. Or, he can, but he doesn’t want to. Not really, not fully.
“It’s nothing, seriously.”
Nicholas rolls his eyes. Once something peaks his interest he never drops it. Harua should’ve known better. He expects it but it still makes him hold his breath, pretending he’s not there when Nicholas, smug as a cat, gets on top of him, grabs his wrists and puts them over his head. Harua doesn't feel pinned until a pair of lips press insistently against his own. Nicholas bites down and Harua can swear he tastes blood.
“Tell me.” Nicholas whispers. Harua gasps softly. He just finished taking a shower but he hasn’t come down from the high of having sex with Nicholas. Overly sensitive, prickly, wanting. Nicholas has reduced him to a thing that wants to please. Not just anyone but him – unruly hair, scars littering his skin, eyes hooded, daring. Wang Nicholas.
A contest would suggest they’re equal opponents but Harua only recently admitted to himself he wants things which are unbecoming of an idol. Prevailing was never on the table. Posing a threat, fighting till the bitter end – how ridiculous.
Harua sighs.
“Do you and Euijoo ever.. Have you done this with him?”
Nicholas’s eyebrows shoot up and Harua almost wants to pat himself on the shoulder, except his hands are pinned, unable to move an inch. It shouldn’t be hot but it is. Nicholas is still naked unlike Harua who felt the need to put on pajamas. Nicholas is still naked and warm and open. If he pulls down Harua’s pants he could just–
Nicholas laughs.
“Does it look like I have?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you’re thinking about it and you’re even asking me so it probably looks like we have. Does it? Tell me.” Nicholas' weight on top of him is both oppressing and reassuring. Harua feels heat creeping down.
“It does. You guys are always.. so close, so touchy. Off camera especially.”
Nicholas hums, neither confirming nor denying it.
“Why are you asking me about it?” And isn’t that the million dollar question. Why?
“I don’t know.” Doesn’t he?
“Want to swap notes with your hyung on how to please me?” Nicholas smiles teasingly, rolling his hips slightly. Harua tries to stay very still.
“It’s okay, baby. You don’t have to compare yourself to him.”
Harua’s face scrunches up in annoyance: “I’m not.”
“Aren’t you?”
“I’m not.”
Nicholas raises an eyebrow but can clearly see the resolve on Harua’s face. Harua has become intimately acquainted with Nicholas' whims and quirks but the same thing applies the other way around.
“Don’t dwell on it. It was a short-lived thing and well.. sex with him was nothing like with you. In a good way.”
“Ah.” Harua is intrigued but doesn’t want to dig deeper. Nicholas doesn’t look distraught, not even upset. What he’s saying is a matter of fact. If Harua asks him more he’ll probably even tell him. But he doesn’t.
“Careful if you do go for him. You know how our Euijoo is.”
“I’m not–”
“I don’t mind if you do.”
Harua nods dumbly but doesn’t say much else. He wiggles his arms around, tries to signal to Nicholas to get off but he doesn’t.
“Are you tired?” Nicholas asks kindly.
“A little.” He’s half-hard because well, Nicholas is on top of him. How can he not get turned on?
“I’ll do all the work. Can you lie down for me and stay still?” Harua’s stomach knots but it’s a pleasant feeling. Anticipating.
He nods. Nicholas smiles and pulls his pants down.
Harua doesn’t sneak out of Nicholas’ room. He sleeps over, pulls on his underwear and pajama pants when he wakes up and tries to make his way to the bathroom.
When he opens the door he comes face to face with Euijoo. They’d probably exchange a nod and go about their morning routines any other time, but today Euijoo stutters. His eyes linger at Harua’s neck and chest. Harua wants to facepalm because it’s so cliché. Why didn’t he put on a top? In his defense the bedside table clock read 6:03 and they have the day off, so he thought running to the bathroom for a quick shower and back to his own room would be safe.
Euijoo’s eyes are appropriately wide. Harua was bracing for a bigger reaction but Euijoo just mumbles a barely audible good morning and then disappears down the hallway. His pacing is normal, doesn’t look like he’s running away from something, which is a relief.
He expected a scolding but then he steps back, thinks about it and realizes how ridiculous that would be. Getting scolded for having sex at age 20. Sure, the title reading idol in bold shinny letters hangs over their heads constantly, but it would be hypocritical if they held each other at gun point every time something like this happens. Euijoo has slept with Nicholas apparently, and Yuma has definitely slept with Nicholas because they were all subjected to the 8 month long fall out as a result of their sleeping together. Fuma has a girlfriend, Yudai has two.
It’s not exactly smart but they have arrived at a sort of unspoken agreement. Everyone was frigid and rule-abiding the first two years of their contract – back when things were uncertain and their future speculative and unpredictable. It’s different now, they’re different now.
Harua still feels the remnants of shame and guilt, something that has been drilled into him but the more he clings to Nicholas, the easier it becomes. He’ll not apologize for something as trivial as sex, let alone to Euijoo, who made no sign to let him know he expected an apology or an explanation.
Case closed. Or it should’ve been, except the next day he runs into Euijoo on the rooftop of Hybe’s building. They only have a short break and Harua needs a breather.
He opens the rooftop door, eyebrows shooting up. Harua’s eyes trace the shape of Euijoo’s hunched back, his fingers close to his mouth as he inhales and exhales. Smoke seeps out from between his lips and disappears into the air. He looks tired, more so than usual. Euijoo has this uncanny ability to force his features into something soft and malleable even when tired or angry, so seeing his face completely relaxed is rare. Bangs damp and plastered to his forehead, cheeks riddled with acne, no concealer to hide the bags under his eyes.
Harua has never seen him like this or he’s never been allowed to see him like this. Presumably there’s a difference.
Euijoo must sense his presence because he turns around. Maybe he was waiting for someone because his face doesn’t immediately shift into one of surprise. Only when he sees Harua. His wrist bends almost like he’s about to drop what he’s holding and try to hide his hand inside his pocket, but ultimately he stays frozen and does nothing.
“I didn’t know you smoked, hyung.” Harua breaks the silence. Euijoo’s round eyes from yesterday morning when he snuck out of Nicholas’ room flash before him. They’re wide open now too, just as shifty. Going left and right without ever fully stopping on Harua.
“I don’t.”
Harua giggles, which forces Euijoo to finally meet his eyes. Harua doesn’t expect it but all of a sudden Euijoo cracks a smile, then almost doubles over.
“I mean, I try not to. I was supposed to quit a long time ago but every once in a while, when the stress gets to me…”
Harua wasn’t expecting any kind of an explanation and finds it amusing how Euijoo scrambles to put together words, justify his actions. It’s funny because no one cares. Yuma is a chain smoker, Yudai as well. That’s not their only vice. Euijoo doesn’t have to explain himself but he always ends up doing so. It’s one part endearing, two parts concerning.
“Don’t tell Fuma-hyung.” he mumbles as he brings the cigarette back to his chapped lips.
“Sure.” Something must be wrong with Harua because he finds this Euijoo – shabby, jaded – more attractive than his usual polished self. Despite his trembly hands and bloodshot eyes, for once he looks relaxed, open. Is that the Euijoo Nicholas likes so much?
“Don’t get too close, the smell will rub off on you.” Euijoo warns.
“It’s okay, I don’t mind. Yuma constantly drags me out when he goes for a smoke anyways.”
Euijoo nods noncommittally.
“So,” Euijoo clears his throat. Harua wants to make fun of him for the newly formed smoker’s hack but refrains from it. “Yesterday when you came out of Nicol’s room..”
Harua didn’t expect him to bring it up first, or at all for that matter. He’s their leader, sure, but when something happens off stage Euijoo usually steers clear. Harua can’t tell if it’s because he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to meddle in or because he really is that dense sometimes and can’t see something obvious – like the fact that Yuma spent 8 months very purposefully avoiding Nicholas.
“Yeah? What about it?” Harua doesn’t avoid admitting it because he’s ashamed but because Euijoo is. He wants to see him struggle a bit, likes the look on his face when he’s barely able to get the words out.
“Did you sleep over in his room?”
“I did.”
“Did you – I mean, what did you guys do?” Euijoo’s face is round and soft looking, his lips are making a little o-shape as he exhales the smoke. Harua wants to bully him.
“What do you think we did?” he asks instead, tone completely serious. He manages to stick to his initial plan for about 10 seconds then involuntarily his eyebrows wiggle. Euijoo chokes on a cough, then laughs again. Harua stops and looks at him. Euijoo never laughs this much around him. It’s nice.
“Come on, hyung. You saw me walk out shirtless, what could we have possibly been doing?”
“I don’t know – doom-scrolling, watching a movie, something like that.”
“I mean we did do that for a bit after I fucked him–”
“Shut up.” Euijoo squeaks out. He’s so awkward, Harua thinks, completely endeared. Wears shame on like a second skin. Blushed cheeks, awkward smiles. “Now you’re just making fun of me.”
“Aren’t I always?”
“No, you used to be cute and listen to me. Then Nicol took you under his wing and turned you into this.”
Harua giggles. The conversation always circles back to Nicholas and he doesn’t blame Euijoo for it. Would he have been as interested in Euijoo if it wasn’t for Nicholas?
“What is this exactly?”
“You’re, well, you’re strong-willed now. You don’t let people jerk you around. You used to do what was expected of you and you still do that but only when it comes to work. Lately I look at you and it feels like I’m seeing someone who knows what he wants.”
Harua is taken aback for a second. He knows he’s been studying Euijoo lately, gaze always following his willowy limbs, trained on the way the hair curls at his nape, soaking in every word that comes out of his mouth. He didn’t think the same was being done to him. Is he? Someone who knows what he wants? It surely doesn’t feel like it. Maybe Euijoo is just bad at reading people.
“What?” Euijoo asks when Harua doesn’t retort with yet another playful remark.
“Nothing. I just didn’t think you were paying that much attention to me.”
“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re my friend and Nicol talks about you all the time–”
“Ah.”
“What?”
“You’re not really all that interested in me, it’s just that Nicholas-hyung is blabbing and you’re forced to listen.”
“That's not it. I like you. I like it when he talks about you.”
Surely this cannot be the Euijoo Nicholas constantly complains about. Euijoo's supposed to be a little standoffish, only slightly unaware of his surroundings and completely unable to talk about his feelings. And Harua believes Nicholas because he's seen it. Euijoo and Nicholas never fight for long but when they do it's impossible to miss. They get annoyed at each other, or Euijoo gets annoyed at Nicholas, doesn't admit why he got annoyed and then in a few days they're back to bickering. The only explanation Harua can arrive at is that the stakes are not high enough. What Euijoo has with Nicholas is long fought for and precious, talking about it too much risks exposing all the ways in which he and Nicholas are incompatible despite their very best efforts to accommodate the other. Or, well, Nicholas’ best efforts to accommodate Euijoo.
What Euijoo has with Harua is situational. Harua trusts that Euijoo likes him. He's not the one who dotes on Harua the most by any means but he still goes with Harua’s whims sometimes. Lets Harua lounge around in his bed, sneak out of the dorm when they're not supposed to be out, pays for Harua’s meals.
“So what does Nico-chan say about me?” Harua feels a sudden competitive streak form in the pit of his belly. He wants to know if he measures to the image Nicholas paints of him, if he’s better than the Harua inside Euijoo’s head. If he’s worse.
Euijoo stubs out the cigarette and immediately lights up another. So much for not being a smoker.
“He mostly calls you cute, shows me places he wants to take you. He, umm – I guess at the beginning he was concerned about you.”
“Concerned how?”
“You were kind of quiet around debut, kept to yourself.”
“Was I?” He no longer remembers. Trainee days and shortly after debut is a time period Harua doesn't dwell on. Few pleasant memories to recall, really. Mostly blood and sweat and a feeling of alienation. Never quite fitting in with the other trainees even though he was well-liked, tenseness followed by skittishness colouring all his interactions within the group for the first few months. He’s still not in the habit of sharing his concerns with others except for maybe Nicholas, rarely even him. Huh.
“Yeah, but it’s like — you bloomed all of a sudden. You really clicked with Taki and you have this whole cat and mouse thing with Yuma, and then there’s your thing with Nicol, too.”
“And what is my thing with Nicholas?” Harua asks, bunny teeth on full display.
“You tell me.” Euijoo almost whines back. It’s weird. He’s never this dopey and open around anyone, let alone Harua. Or had he never noticed?
“We had sex.” Harua’s tired of playing footsies with Euijoo so he rips the bandaid off suddenly.
“I guessed so.”
“For the first time.” He’s not sure why he feels the need to clarify it.
“Ah, I see.” Euijoo’s clearly trying not to sound awkward but it’s having the reverse effect. “Was it–”
“Please don’t ask me if it was good.” Harua doesn’t feel shame. Disappointment, self-pity, guilt – sure. But not shame. Not usually, anyways. But Euijoo looks almost sincere in his attempt to ask Harua whatever it is that he’s asking and Harua feels the back of his neck starting to sweat.
“Well, was it?” Harua reaches a hand and swats at Euijoo’s shoulder, which almost makes him drop his cigarette for the second time.
“Yeah?” Harua tries not to cringe when it comes out as a question instead of an answer. “Yes.” he says it with conviction this time. Euijoo nods. His face betrays very little all of a sudden but Harua has gotten used to Nicholas’ ventings about how unreadable Euijoo is. When he's quiet but his face looks off it means he's uncomfortable and is searching for a way out, when he's quiet but his face is relaxed he's thinking and needs some time to put the whole situation in perspective.
Nicholas should consider becoming a psychologist once they disband, Harua thinks with a smile.
Euijoo nods one time, then a second and doesn't say much else. Harua takes the offensive without any warning.
“Why do you look surprised?”
“I don’t.” Euijoo retorts.
“Did you think I’d be bad at sex?”
“What? No. I just.. I guess I was surprised when I saw you because I didn’t think you were into..” A pause.
“Into guys?” Huh?
“Yeah?” Huh.
Harua doesn’t know if he should feel flattered or insulted. He’s leaning towards the former which is how he knows this conversation is getting out of his control, getting the best of him. He’s not ashamed, he’s told himself he shouldn’t be. So why does he feel a little happy knowing Euijoo thought he was straight? It’s not supposed to be a compliment but it almost feels like one.
“Well, I am.”
“Me too.” Euijoo says it less like a confession and more like a consolation. Harua feels like he’s being pitied and he doesn’t particularly like that.
“I know that.” He knows. Not because Nicholas or Fuma or Yudai have told him, he just knows. Maybe it was an assumption up until now, a bet he had placed and was waiting to reap the benefits of. But now he’s sure. Even before Euijoo admitted it, he had thought about it and yesterday Nicholas had confirmed it.
“How?” Euijoo asks and it's not startled. It's clearly not something he's purposefully hiding but also not something he tells just about anymore. Harua feels awkward all of a sudden.
“Hyung told me, or, well, he didn't tell me but..” Euijoo nods like he's satisfied with the answer. Harua feels sick to his stomach.
Suddenly Euijoo pulls his phone out and looks at the time. He stubs out his half-smoked cigarette and looks almost apologetically at Harua.
“We should get back, break is almost over.” Harua nods. And then it's back to rehearsing, Yudai scolding them when they're out of synch, yet another choreographer or manager nitpicking at their every move but they're used to it by now. Harua is. He pays it no attention. His gaze is focused on Euijoo, who's drowning in his hoodie, sweating buckets. Harua wants to bury his face in his neck, inhale him. He knows he'll only get a whiff of sweat, a whole lot of cigarette stank but he doesn't mind.
Against his better judgement he does bury his face in Euijoo’s neck. It’s late, they're in the dorm, Euijoo’s brushing his teeth with the bathroom door open. He clearly still hasn't taken a shower yet, has only stripped his hoodie, the shirt underneath sticking to his back from sweating for the last 4 hours. The shirt he's wearing is an old ratty thing, impossibly loose. Harua can see his collarbones in the bathroom mirror. He's gotten skinnier again. They're having a comeback so it makes sense but without the clothes to hide his body Harua is suddenly realizing just how much Euijoo has shrunk recently.
Harua is about to pass by and wait for his turn to use the bathroom but instead he walks inside, wraps his arm around Euijoo’s waist and buries his face in the crook of his neck. He's stickthin especially here. Harua feels bad for a second but then gets distracted when he doesn't smell cigarettes on him. Euijoo stiffens in his hold as Harua keeps sniffing at him like an untrained puppy.
“What are you doing?” He asks confused, voice coming out slightly indistinguishable from the toothbrush still inside his mouth. Harua pulls away in time to see some of the paste trickle down his chin.
“Did you take a shower already?” He smells nice.
“No?”
“You don't stink of cigarettes like Yuma.”
“Perfume.” Euijoo replies like it's obvious. “I don't like the smell and umm, I'm not supposed to be doing it so it doesn't help if I reek.”
Harua nods.
“Are you gonna keep holding me?” Euijoo asks around a smile, looking down at where Harua’s arm is secure and unmoving.
“Mhmm.” Harua hums, squeezing him tighter until he squeals. “Are you eating, hyung?” he asks, not sure if he even wants or needs an answer. The evidence is right there, anyways.
“I am.” Euijoo mumbles, then spits the paste into the sink. He almost sounds sincere and Harus wants to believe him but then he catches sight of his own reflection in the mirror. Tired, skeletal, cheekbones as pronounced as they can possibly get. The only thing on his face that’s his is the slight tanning he’s been getting lately. His own little form of rebelling. But take that out of the equitation and he looks just like any other idol.
That is to say he’s not judging Euijoo, is merely worried about him. They all diet but sometimes Euijoo simply starves.
“What did you eat this morning?” Harua asks, fingers moving up and down slowly, counting and recounting Euijoo’s ribs.
“Meiji yougurt, a banana.” That’s something.
“For lunch?”
“I had some of Nicol’s take out.”
“Dinner?” He keeps pushing expecting Euijoo to snap, instead he looks as calm as still water. If anything he’s smiling, leaning into Harua’s touch, indulging his concerns.
“Haven’t had anything yet.” Harua nods. At least he’s truthful.
“I was just about to order, do you want anything?” Euijoo looks endeared, can clearly read the sincerity in Harua’s tone, and can decipher it’s not really a question but an announcement. I will order you something, tell me what you want.
“Whatever you’re having is fine by me.” Euijoo leans down to rinse his mouth. Harua feels insane. He can’t let go. He knows he’s making this a whole lot harder than it needs to be but for some reason he cannot let go of Euijoo. Not now. Not ever, recently.
“I’m gonna take a shower now, can you –” Euijoo tries to shoo him away but Harua has been going to the Wang-Nicholas school of always having the last word so he cannot miss a chance when he sees one.
“Want me to help you wash your back?” Euijoo bursts into laughter and Harua follows a second later. That was sleazy even for him, gross.
“Maybe some other time.” Euijoo’s voice is light and airy like he’s coming down from a high and Harua feels his knees buckle a little bit. For the second time today he’s seeing an Euijoo that has so far remained hidden from his field of sight, whether intentionally or otherwise. Harua’s equal parts giddy and confused, torn between wanting to press forward and get to see more or taking a careful step back into what’s safe and non-threatening.
“Promise?” Cockiness to hide the fact that he’s hoping Euijoo might change his mind.
“Get out.” Euijoo shoves him with his hip. “Put on a movie once the food arrives?”
Harua smiles and takes a step back, his gaze lingering for only a second when Euijoo takes his shirt off. He closes the door.
“I thought we were gonna eat in the living room?” Euijoo asks as he makes space for himself under Harua’s blanket. They’re sitting on the floor in case they do spill food everywhere which Harua is not going to be cleaning up. He’s too tired for that.
“The TV is occupied.” It’s true. Maki and Nicholas are playing the world’s stupidest console game and testing out how loud they can scream before their neighbours issue a formal complaint to kick them out.
Oh, and earlier Nicholas caged him against the kitchen and tried to go down on him after kissing him breathless, which was two parts hot one part anxiety inducing. Sex is fun and natural and nothing to be ashamed of but Harua is not about to get caught by one, or God forbid, more than one of his bandmates, with his dick down Wang Nicholas’ throat.
Nicholas may be an exhibitionist but Harua isn’t one. He wants Nicholas again and soon but in an actual bed, inside a room, preferably with a door that gets locked.
“We can go back to my room?” Nicholas had offered earlier, still very much on his knees. Harua shivers. From this angle his eyes look kind of wide and wet and it’s turning him on, naturally. His hair is fluffy, probably freshly washed and airdried and Harua wants to run his fingers through it, maybe grip it a little, pull him down. It’s an illusion – Nicholas’ hair is coarse to the touch from the last several rounds of bleaching and dying and rebleaching. Harua still wants to do it, but he doesn’t.
“Promised Euijoo-hyung to watch a movie together.” Harua looks to the side guilty but Nicholas only pinches his thigh in response. When he looks back he’s met with a mean smirk.
“Moving on from me so quickly?” Nicholas wiggles his eyebrows and finally has the decency to get back on his feet. If someone walked in right now the lack of distance and disheveled appearance could almost pass as normal.
“What? No.” The atmosphere slowly shifts from deeply horny to comic. Nicholas cannot possibly be suggesting what Harua thinks he is.
“I let you make sweet love to me and now you’ll use what you learned on Euijoo,” Harua hits his shoulder and Nicholas clutches it in an exaggerated motion. It was softer than intended. Maybe Harua should punch him a second time.
“You suck so much.” Harua laughs, fighting against himself not to collapse into Nicholas’ sturdy chest.
“Well,” Nicholas starts, bringing his hips closer until he and Harua are flush together. Harua whimpers and pushes him away.
“Stop that. And I’m not trying to fuck hyung, don’t be gross.” Isn’t he? Didn’t he admit to Maki that he kind of wants to do just that? Well, that was before Nicholas let him hit it raw and missionary. Okay, they did use a condom – two even. But it was missionary. Harua had a front row view of Wang Nicholas’ red heaving chest and his watery eyes, lips parting periodically to call out his name in that raspy, whiny tone of his.
Harua thanks God he’s too tired to get hard, but a little more frotting and he might get there.
“I mean, I think it would be kind of hot but, since you’re so opposed to it,” Nicholas thinks Harua fucking his best friend slash past hook-up slash whatever the hell they are would be hot. It’s incredibly predictable and yet it breaks down the last layer of Harua’s mental barrier down. It feels like a permission, a directive almost. Nicholas is not saying Harua has to fuck Euijoo but he’s also not letting him think about anything else. Even when they did it yesterday Euijoo was ominously present, somewhere in the corner of the room watching them.
“It’s not that I’m opposed to it, I just– I don’t,” Harua shakes his head. It feels like Nicholas is messing with him but also like he’s being serious at the same time.
“Well,” Nicholas draws out his syllables as he puts his ridiculously big hand in the back of Harua’s pocket and squeezes tightly. “If you do, you have to tell me. We can exchange notes.”
“There aren’t any notes to be exchanged,” Harua keeps the bit going. He’s become pretty good at pretending to dislike something so the audience can have a laugh. Except there is no audience now, just him and Nicholas who’s still giving him bedroom eyes while talking about sex with Euijoo.
“Sure there are. I can tell you how he likes it but then again–” Harua puts a hand on top of Nicholas’ mouth, face turning bright red, but he still keeps going. Harua can feel his warm breath as he says: “You’d probably enjoy it more if you didn’t know these things beforehand.”
He pulls back in time for Maki to walk into the room and give them a half suspicious look over. Mostly he looks like he's not in the mood to ask questions.
So Harua’s bedroom is a copout. The whole eating together and watching a movie thing was supposed to be casual and it is, but somehow it feels weirdly intimate when it's not in a part of the dorm which is shared space. Euijoo doesn't seem to mind much. His hair is still damp and falling into his eyes as he slurps down the jjajangmyon and his bare knee is touching Harua’s which is, of course, nothing to freak out about. In fact, Harua is acting herculean considering the kind of seed Nicholas has planted in his head.
The movie they're watching is kind of boring, some Korean romance drama which is easy enough for Harua to follow even without subtitles, but Harua’s eyes are anywhere but the screen. Euijoo looks so pretty and Harua can still remember his scent from earlier — sweat and heavy perfume to mask the cigarette smoke. He wants to lean down again and sniff him but doesn't. Doing it once is cute, it carries a sense of plausible deniability. Euijoo probably found it strangely endearing and won't think about it after today ends. Twice would be kind of weird and off-putting in case he's reading this wrong, which is entirely possible considering Nicholas is the one who planted the idea. If, however, he's right it would be awfully bold, too on the nose. Harua cannot imagine Euijoo being into this kind of thing.
Then again he never did imagine him smoking in secret or having slept with Nicholas considering how they act around each other. He had also never seen Euijoo’s face relaxed and unburdened before today, or maybe he had but he hadn't paid it any attention.
“Want to watch something else?” Euijoo asks and it's not accusatory. Their eyes meet, then Euijoo’s slide down to Harua’s neck, which he covers up with a hand instinctively. He needs to put a muzzle on Nicholas next time. Foundation is God sent but Harua is not about to wear it around the dorm especially when they're off the clock. So Euijoo is getting an eye full of hickeys and bite marks. Whatever.
“This one's fine.” Harua mumbles. He hasn't the faintest idea of the plot. Euijoo’s lips stretch into something that's not quite a smile. Two parts awkward, one part knowing — accusatory.
At one point Harua can tell Euijoo is also starting to get bored, eyes shifty, breath coming out almost in the form of a sigh. Is he waiting for something, anticipating?
“I'm kind of tired, I think I'll go to bed.” Euijoo says kindly and it's reasonable. The bedside clock reads 01:34 and they have a schedule tomorrow at 7:30. If anything Harua is surprised Euijoo agreed to spend any time with him whatsoever.
Euijoo tries to get up but Harua’s hand reaches over and circles around his wrist, yanks him down.
“Let's go out tomorrow.” Harua likes to have a routine. An exact time he gets up, has breakfast, does his job and goes to bed. His hangouts, too, are routine. He calls his friends from high school who moved to study in Tokyo and they go grab a quick bite. He drags Nicholas to the mall and buys clothes which he doesn't even need. He texts Maki even though they're both in the dorm’s living room and they go out for a walk.
He doesn't invite Euijoo to hang out. Once in a while they find themselves at the same hangout or they bump into each other while they're off doing their own thing. Harua has invited him over to his house a few times, but Nicholas was always there. Harua tries to imagine spending time with Euijoo one on one and fails. Someone else is always lurking in the background, chaperoning them. Harua has never invited him out alone before today and Euijoo hasn't sought out his company either.
“Sure.” Euijoo smiles, friendly. He still looks faintly disappointed but it's well hidden, Harua almost misses it. When Euijoo makes a move to get up again he realizes Harua’s hand is still wrapped around his wrist.
Harua leans in. He's not sure why he does it. He does want to kiss Euijoo but not like this. The build up is not quite there, the timing feels off. He doesn't kiss Euijoo but looks at him intensively. Euijoo’s eyes widen slightly then he looks down at Harua’s lips.
“Good night,” he mumbles quickly, gets up and disappears to his own room.
The list of people who can never figure out what Euijoo wants grows by one.
“Did Nicol tell you to kiss me here?” Euijoo whimpers. Lying face first in the pillow, his words come out muffled, but Harua is hyperaware of everything so he hears it clearly, almost ringing through the room.
His lips pressed to the nape of Euijoo’s neck pull back into something reassembling a smile, teeth on full display. Before Harua can think better of it he sinks them into the exact place he was just kissing. Euijoo gasps softly. Harua doesn’t pull back, keeps biting down until Euijoo makes a noise that’s equal parts loud and embarrassing.
If he were meaner – if he were Nicholas – he would have kept his teeth buried deep and painful but he’s not so he pulls back before a bruise starts forming.
“He didn’t,” Harua mumbles, licking over the teeth marks. There’s no blood but he kind of wants to taste Euijoo in this way. Harua feels drunk and kind of insane.
Euijoo is lying face first in the pillow, back arching, letting Harua do whatever. Except it’s a false sense of freedom because the second Harua does anything – kisses him, undresses him hastily, flips him on his tummy, works his fingers in his tight hole – there it is. Nicholas’ name. Harsh like a slap. Harua knew Nicholas would be there if they even got around to having sex but he didn’t think he would be this present. His making Euijoo feel good search is turning into a find a place Nicholas hasn’t seen, hasn’t touched search and it’s frustrating. Sex with Nicholas is fun, sex with Euijoo frustrating.
“Then how did you know?”
“How did I know what?”
“To kiss me there?”
“I just did.” Euijoo hums, seemingly content with the answer. “I wanted to.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Harua breathes heavily as he leans down, teeth once again grazing Euijoo’s neck. It’s almost playful but somehow it’s more charged. A challenge? An indulgence?
“Kiss me more,” Euioo whispers and Harua trails his lips along the tender skin before he sinks his teeth into it again. He’s not well versed in Euijoo but sometimes it feels like he can read him better than anyone else.
The closer you are to someone the hazier your perspective. Like a foggy window during winter. You can see through it but not quite. Maybe Harua is okay with being an outsider, a foreign element, someone not in the know. It means he gets to see this – moles littering the small of Euijoo’s back, his uneven shoulderblades, hips small and flat – and take it in as it is. Something enticing and his – at least for a while. There’s no agonizing over the small things, or there is. But it’s not in the same direction Nicholas agonizes over Euijoo or Yuma over Nicholas, or–
Or Harua is lying to himself. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Even still, it feels good. Almost too good. Euijoo is tight and Harua almost has to force his way in. Euijoo tenses and doesn’t let go, his fingers clutching the sheets desperately. Euijoo’s making these small, wounded noises and Harua can’t tell if he’s hurting him or making him feel good. Pain and pleasure. They look all the same on Euijoo’s face. Stoic and stripped of unnecessary movement. If Euijoo’s face ever moves it’s only when there’s no one there to see it. And what was that saying again? If a tree falls and there’s no one there to hear it, did it ever really make a noise?
If there’s no one there to hold Euijoo while he cries, or laugh with him when he’s bursting at the seams with joy, or run their hands down his back when he’s seething, was he ever truly sad, or happy, or mad?
“Does it hurt?” Harua asks him quietly. He doesn’t expect an answer and he doesn’t really get one either.
Euijoo whines, then blindly feels around behind himself until he finds Harua’s wrist and squeezes tightly. It could be a no, but it could also very well be a yes. Harua reads it as neither. He pulls his fingers out of Euijoo and watches him wreathe in the bedsheets.
“Don’t stop.” It’s not honesty. It’s desperation. Euijoo is not asking for him, or not him specifically. It could’ve been anyone.
“I asked if it hurts?” Harua’s firm with his words but Euijoo, lost in a trance, doesn't seem to get it.
“Come on, want you inside.” Euijoo begs again as if Harua hadn’t spoken up at all. It’s infuriating. Harua wants to press down onto his waist until he hears the bones cracking, wants to squeeze around his neck until he chokes on his spit and vomits. Not that there would be much to vomit anyways.
“Does it hurt?” Harua leans down and whispers into Euijoo’s ear. It makes Euijoo’s back arch.
“It does, it does. Now can you just get on with it?” Harua laughs into his nape but it’s not mean. Confusion, excitement. Both, neither. He’s not sure what answer he was expecting, really. Of course, Byun Euijoo would get off on the pain of it. He’s never known how to pace himself, how to indulge in the little things. It’s always been abstinence with him. No exposing his underbelly, no indulging in pleasure, no food, no nothing. Of course, it can only feel good when it hurts.
Harua can take advantage of it, surely others have. But Nicholas’ blood is pumping through his veins as though it were his own. He doesn’t want to be mean to Euijoo, but he’s not exactly sure how to be kind to him either.
“Turn over.” Harua orders, and surprisingly, Euijoo does.
There’s tears streaming down his cheeks and it’s kind of the hottest thing Harua has seen. Nicholas did get a little teary eyed when they did it, but Euijoo is straight up crying. There’s the part of Harua that wants to rub his thumb under Euijoo’s eye, wipe away the tears, and then there’s the him who wants to lean over and drink them up. He’s not sure what part is Nicholas anymore. The one that wants to treasure Euijoo or the one that wants to destroy him.
Euijoo hiccups and Harua looks down, sees his dick has gone soft. He can’t begin to imagine what’s going on through Euijoo’s head.
“Want you inside, come on.” Euijoo says and it’s a slap as much as anything. He’s clearly not even turned on anymore, yet he’s beginning for Harua to do something, anything. It’s maddening.
Harua is going to regret this.
“Are you sure?” Harua asks. Euijoo nods.
It was underwhelming, Harua thinks when he finishes inside Euijoo. They didn’t have condoms. It felt good while he was inside, but as soon as he pulled out and saw Euijoo’s tear-streaked face something like regret began forming in the pit of Harua’s stomach. Is that what Nicholas felt when he had had sex with Euijoo?
Euijoo didn’t come, still soft between his legs, but he looked content.
“Thank you.” Euijoo whispers, as Harua wipes him down and it only serves to make him feel worse. Euijoo looks content, happy even, so why can’t Harua meet his eyes?
“What for?” Harua asks despite himself.
“Nothing, I just needed this.” Harua feels something between anger and hurt bubble up inside him. He holds back. It’s not Euijoo’s fault, or maybe it is. He can’t tell anymore. He feels tired and small and wants to crawl inside someone’s arms, preferably Nicholas’.
“Do you want to fuck me?” Harua is in Nicholas’ bed. He snuck in a few minutes ago. He wonders if Nicholas can tell he had just fucked Euijoo, that he hadn’t taken a shower after.
“Do you want me to fuck you?”
Harua nods. He doesn't, not really, but he's feeling kind of empty and hollow. Wants Nicholas to take care of him, to take advantage of him.
Nicholas turns around and gives him a look that could mean anything. Harua closes his eyes because he knows exactly what it means, wants to ignore it, to imagine a world where Nicholas is a little meaner, rougher.
Harua goes frigid when Nicholas kisses him, then relaxes into the familiarity. His arms previously wound around Nicholas’ waist get redirected to wrap around Nicholas' shoulders. They're broad and sturdy, Harua feels the muscles rippling underneath and something like bitterness, jealousy forms in the back of his throat. He digs his nails into the palms of his hands, tries not to gag on it.
Nicholas’ hands, usually busy with holding Harua’s face in its palms, loving and careful, go down to Harua’s hips. He squeezes the soft sides, then goes lower, puts them on Harua’s ass. Once he does that, the kiss, somewhat familiar, is no longer a distraction. Harua stops moving. There's no point. Nicholas’ presence is overwhelming, making him feel completely out of depth. But it's fine. This is right.
“Tell me you want me to fuck you.” Harua is dissociating at this point and doesn't hear the words. Or he hears them but his mind doesn't register them. He opens his eyes and sees Nicholas’ lips moving.
“Harua?” Harua hums. “Tell me you want it.”
He doesn't. He can't. Nicholas is lovely. He's older and more experienced, surely it'll feel good if they do it the other way. Even if it's Harua’s first time, even if he's never wanted it like this. He has to give it a shot at least once. No point in putting something down as a hard no if you haven't even tried it.
Harua’s vision finally clears up. Nicholas is looking down at him with concern, almost pity.
“I won't fuck you unless you tell me that you want it.”
“But don't you want it?”
“Why the fuck would that matter?” Harua gets startled. Nicholas is firm with his words, almost scolding. Harua feels like a child getting their hands swatted for touching the stove.
“Use your words or we're going to sleep.”
“I- I don't want to.. not like this.” Nicholas nods, leans down and kisses just right of Harua’s eye. It tingles. Harua wants to bottle this feeling and keep it forever. “Are you mad?”
“Why would I be? Would you be mad if I told you not to touch me somewhere because I don't like it?”
“No.” Nicholas raises an eyebrow. He doesn't need to say it, Harua knows that he sounds ridiculous. Knowing a hang up is ridiculous is one thing, being able to ignore it is another, getting over it — well.
“Why are you asking me to fuck you if you don't want it?”
Harua thinks back to just thirty minutes ago. Euijoo confirming his biggest fear — that it hurts but that it also feels good. A few nights ago Nicholas’ whole face had scrunched up when Harua entered him and they had to wait, because despite how turned on Nicholas was and how meticulously Harua had opened him up, it still had hurt. And then he goes back even further, the memory of his high school girlfriend and the first time they had done it. She was sweet but firm, and wouldn't lie to him so he had trusted her when she said it felt good. Still, the memory of her teary eyes and the little bit of blood on the condom once Harua had pulled out is fresh in his mind.
“I think I screwed up.” Harua whispers. He's looking straight at Nicholas, waiting for something. Nicholas cannot read his mind but somehow Harua was almost expecting him to be able to do it. It would make things so much easier. Harua’s not a baby, he can talk about his feelings if he really has to, but today, more so than ever, he's feeling naked and insecure.
“How so?” Nicholas’ left hand climbs up his spine, starts massaging at a spot where Harua is always tense. Harua sighs softly at the touch, at the fact that Nicholas knows to touch him there. Surely if they stare hard enough at each other Nicholas will gain the power to break through his mind's barrier, travel to the soft tissue of his brain and figure it out, without Harua having to say it out loud.
“I.. I was just with Euijoo.”
“Okay.” Nicholas doesn't sound surprised, more like it had finally clicked.
“We had sex and – fuck, I think I took advantage of him when I shouldn't have.” Nicholas’ face pulls inward, he looks concerned but somehow, like he knows exactly what Harua is talking about, like he can relate to it.
“Why do you think that?” He asks calmly.
“He told me that it hurts and he was soft the whole time I was inside.” Nicholas nods. Harua wants to be scolded but somehow it never comes.
“Did he tell you to stop at any point?”
“No. I kind of wanted to but he told me it's fine, that he wanted it. But now I feel gross and like I've done something I shouldn't have and I hate it. It wasn't like this with you.” Harua can feel his heart beating like a war drum against his rib cage, waiting not without holding his breath, for Nicholas’ verdict.
“If he didn't say no it should be fine. Talk to him tomorrow, clear things up.”
“You look more upset than surprised.”
“If it didn’t feel good for you why did you keep going? Sure, Euijoo was into it but clearly you weren’t.”
“I was, I think. I don’t know. It felt good while we were doing it but now..”
Nicholas takes a deep breath like he's tired, like he's recalling something that's making his body turn tender, making it ache.
“Last year when me and Euijoo were sleeping together – it was good at first. You know how I am during sex, I like to talk and to joke around. It doesn't feel good if the other person is not feeling good.” Harua nods at Nicholas’ words. He agrees. Sex with Nicholas had felt so natural and reassuring. He had left him with no space to feel shame or doubt.
“Euijoo was quiet, which I expected but it didn’t change over time. The first one or two times he talked to me, returned my jokes even, and then he stopped. When I asked him if it felt good it's like he wasn't even looking at me, it made me feel crazy after. I told him I can't have sex with someone who's basically catatonic the whole way through.” Nicholas laughs despite himself and Harua follows in his steps. “He promised to try and we did it a few more times but.. it just never felt good for me. He was tense all the time and looked like he was in pain, but every time I asked he said it felt good and, fair, some people are into painful sex, but I'm not. It kept feeling like I was fucking someone who isn't even there with me. So I broke it off quickly.”
“Why did you encourage me to go after him then?” Harua tries to sound neutral, but hurt bleeds through.
“I thought it was a me problem, I didn't know that's how he is in general. At that time we were circling each other, I liked him and I thought he liked me. When I broke it off I told him, and, well, turns out it was only a me thing.”
“I see.” Harua thought Nicholas’ words would soothe him, and in a way they did, but there’s still a tightness in his chest. Every time he breathes in and out he feels it like a physical obstruction.
Euijoo’s face relaxed and open when they had chatted on the rooftop appears in Harua’s mind, grainy like old movie footage. His slim wrists, slimmer fingers holding a cigarette, the easy chatter, the playfulness. Harua had finally felt close to Euijoo. He can admit that now.
Somehow despite Maki’s clinginess, and Taki’s warmness and Yuma’s weird sometimes off-putting brand of affection, Harua hadn’t felt close to anyone until recently, like they were all simply humoring him. Nicholas was the first one. Maybe it’s about initiative. In all his other friendships Harua was in the passengers seat – safe and taken care of. He didn’t need to, so much as, lift his finger.
Nicholas, on the other hand, made him feel on edge, like he constantly has to keep pace, to do the work necessary. Harua had never fought for someone’s friendship before Nicholas.
Euijoo was similar. Harua had to be the one to reach out if he wanted to feel close, like he’s a part of Euijoo’s life. Was he mistaking friendship for love? Why did he even want to sleep with Euijoo in the first place? He can’t put all the blame on Nicholas for gauding him, or on Maki for pointing out something that was clearly written all over his face. Was it to prove something? To whom?
“I think I like you, that’s why I slept with Euijoo-hyung.” The words roll off Harua's tongue naturally, no script, no rehearsal, no preamble. Nicholas laughs.
“You think you like me?” Two parts teasing, one part sincere, searching.
“I know I like you, I just don’t know how I like you.” Nicholas nods. Doesn’t seem in a hurry for a concrete answer. It’s not because he doesn’t care – the opposite. He knows that just because he’s sure about something, it doesn’t mean that other people are as well.
“Well, let me know when you figure it out.” Kind face, kind eyes, kind words. Nicholas is so lovely.
“I will.” Harua leans in slowly and when Nicholas doesn’t pull back he kisses him.“I’ll talk to Euijoo-hyung tomorrow.” Harua whispers once they pull apart and Nicholas nods his beautiful head, and Harua can’t help it, bears down on him again, smoothers him, leaves them both breathless.