Chapter Text
“All aboard!” The train conductor calls out from the front of the train. The tall woman picks up her bags and steps up into the train car nearest her. Her height gives her an advantage of being able to see down the car to eye for an empty seat, rather than walking down the car like a lost puppy. She spots an empty seat at the very back of the car. Her long legs carry her quickly to the empty seat.
Cozying herself into the seat for this long train ride back to New York, she opens one of her bags and takes out a book she had taken from the Peaches’ House before leaving earlier that morning. Thumbing the pages, Greta finds an envelope with her name on it. Curious, she pull the envelope from between the pages. Greta sees her name on the front in a familiar handwriting. It’s that of Carson Shaw’s, the woman who opened her back up to wanting to search for happiness. She didn’t even need to search. She found happiness within Carson. The redheaded woman. swipes her thumb over the envelope, soaking up every last bit of Carson’s touch before all that are left are the remnants of their season’s long affair.
Slowly, Greta opens the envelope slowly as to not rip it. This is something she wants to be able to have forever, regardless of the contents. She knows it can’t be too bad considering her lover told her she would be leaving her husband. What’s the worst Carson could say? She already admitted she can’t wait to have next season with her.
“Oh, Carse. Here goes nothing.” Greta takes a deep breath before unfolding the stationary.
My Dearest Greta,
I hope my letter finds you when you need it the most. I’m writing to you in fear of me leaving things unsaid, but knowing me, I probably said too much. But I need to tell you all these things without interruption or in fear of being seen or you stopping my words with your dark eyes, red lips and hands on my waist, pulling me into you. I need you to hear all of it, the good, the bad and the rambles.
The moment I first laid my eyes on you in Chicago, I knew there was something different about you. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew you were different, and god damn was I right about that.
That first night at the bar opened my eyes to so many different possibilities that Idaho or Charlie (or anyone else for that matter) could have ever shown me. Feeling your eyes on me… watching me fueled more curiosity. Your soft lips on mine was the first time I had ever felt that… “spark” they talk about in the books we’ve been reading since we were little girls. That spark lit something within me. For a moment, the world stood still. Charlie didn’t exist. That closet we were in became a vessel that held whatever energies we put into the world. When I kissed you back, pushing you into the wall, I let my own walls down. I’d never done something like that before. Seeing you with that man in the alley after awakened some sort of jealousy that I had never experienced before. Selfishly, I wanted to be on your arm that night. I knew I couldn’t, but that didn’t stop the feelings from welling up inside me.
All of our stolen looks, and subtle touches made for such beautiful moments in hidden closets, basements and Sarge’s car (not our most romantic of outings, but we worked with what we had). With every kiss, and buttoned unbuttoned, I craved more and more of you. I crave every inch of you. I crave your touch. I’ve never craved being in someone’s presence like I’ve craved yours. Even being in the next room, I felt a pull to you, an undeniable pull that leaves me aching for you.
That night in the convent was the most magical time I have ever experienced. Gill, you’re the one that makes me confident. This Shaw is the least confident person you could ever meet. I knew that whatever I did… we did that night, you wouldn’t be let down. I knew you would course correct. My confidence is in you. I would have never done anything like that without you. Feeling all of you on all of me, hands tracing… meandering, incoherent patterns on my back and arms released so much of the nerves that I had built up prior to this night. Hearing my name come out of your mouth in pleasure was the HOTTEST thing I have ever witnessed. Actually, watching you come all the way undone for me was. I’m sure you would say the same about me coming apart into your own hands. Being knotted up in that bed with you will forever be etched into my brain. I’m not sure I can walk by a Catholic Church without picturing your naked body on me, but I won’t complain about that.
Charlie showing up was the last thing I ever expected to happen. Honestly, I didn’t even want to see him. I wish he had never shown up. Every time he touched me or I kissed him, it was you I was imagining. The only way I could do it was if it was you. I only want you these days. I’m sorry if you seeing him with me hurt you, I know it did. I saw the look in your eyes change from fear to sadness, the sorrow in your eyes absolutely destroyed me. I can’t begin to imagine the destruction I caused in you.
I’m leaving him, Greta. I’m not going back to Idaho, there’s nothing left there for me. I don’t know if I’m going to be here, in Rockford or maybe go to Chicago, or eventually New York… I don’t know. I’ve never been on my own before, but it’s something I have to do to make sure I don’t ruin us. I need to work on me to be good for you. I know, I know, I’m perfect the way I am for you, but I in good conscience cannot be this way for you if we want whatever this is between us to be more than just a fling. I don’t want us to be a fling, Greta. This was never meant to just be a fling. We were real… scratch that, we are real.
I’m sorry for denying you and diminishing you. I absolutely have all of these feelings that I am working out and coming to terms with. This is still all so new to me. I am absolutely in love with you. I want nothing more than to spend every moment with you for the rest of my time on this Earth. Greta, please wait for me. I will come for you, I promise. I don’t think I can be away from you the whole offseason. I think I might be addicted to you?
I will be coming to you as fast as I can, I promise.
With all my love,
Farm Girl Coach Shaw Carson… Yours