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The first thing Gotak noticed was the sound of the waves crashing into the cliff.
It was in the beginning of december: trees were already loosing their leaves, snow was now becoming an occurrence as the days were getting colder, judging by how his nose was getting pinkish and the scarf actually covering almost half of his face.
People were strolling around, picking up their pace since it was almost time to come back home and enjoy the warm of a closed place, far away from all the unruly wind that the sea could bring to it.
But Gotak didn’t care - he needed to escape.
He actually didn’t plan to come here.
He just wanted some time to be alone, to have the possibility to organise his thoughts and just actually understand what the hell was going on.
The point is that he was so sure that, even after this night out, he wouldn’t be actually capable of it.
He went on a stroll after almost 40 minutes of him driving without any destination in mind, leaving his car in some kind of parking lot near the busiest road and trying to walk opposite to it, searching for something quieter to relief his heart from whatever was feeling in that moment.
The second thing he noticed was the smell of the sea. It was pungent, he could nearly tastes it on his lips, and it was so familiar that it made him smile a little. He could almost hear the energetic noises of Baku who always wanted to jump straight into the sea as soon as he reached the beach, never minding the need to apply sunscreen because he never got burned (Gotak was the one who actually did), the little giggle of Juntae after leaving his towel on the sand and preparing all the games they would have played during the day, the soft snores of Suho sleeping after getting drowsy from all the food he ate while Sieun was watching him with that content smile and his hand playing with the little hair at the back of Suho’s head.
He missed that time - that feeling of freedom.
the smile dropped brutally.
The third thing he noticed was that he wasn’t alone.
There was someone sitting almost near the shore, staring at the sea with such a calm and steady look that he seemed like he was in trance.
He wasn’t wearing something suitable for the weather, judging from the light cotton shirt and the gym pants that were almost a colour darker as they absorbed some of the water from the wet sand, but he wasn’t shivering, as the cold air could never touch him. It was like he wasn’t there with Gotak, like he wasn’t real.
But he left something in the open: his hands were digging through the sand like they were searching for something, almost crushing what little was left for him to break, and his pale arms were tense from the sheer exertion.
That man was a human dichotomy - there was something that made you feel attracted to him but not enough to not be wary of his presence, something dangerous lingering beneath it.
Gotak could protect himself, his job as athlete made sure of it, but he still was a little bit surprised he couldn’t mask the little jump he made when the man spoke first.
“Did you know that shark can’t stop swimming?”
Gotak stared at his profile with the his mouth gaping a little, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Excuse me, what?”
the man turned his body, almost facing the red cheeked boy.
“Sharks can’t stop swimming, they must swim in order to survive” the man stared at him, the black in his irises almost hypnotising that his glasses couldn’t do anything to cover it.
Gotak shook his head, as he was recovering from his spell - “Why are you saying this to me?”
“Because it looks like you are sinking” the man replied.
Gotak’s breathing stuttered.
It may have been just seconds but time stretched out as they were stuck in a limbo.
This man didn’t know him, he didn’t even looked at him at all until few moments ago when he spoke to him so how could he say something like that.
“You don’t know me” Gotak stubbornly looked at him trying to not let his gaze waver. He was an athlete, he knew how it felt to look at someone and trying to let them falter but - right now - he found it more difficult than ever.
He thought that the other boy would be divert his stare, coming up with some excuse to apologise for what he said to a stranger but no, he didn’t do anything like that. He actually smiled - too soft to be mocking, too melancholic to be endeared.
“You may be right. I don’t know you but I see you”.
Gotak didn’t know what to say, he let his mouth close and open repeatedly as he could actually grasp the words with his lips. He tried to mask the helplessness with a scoff before replying.
“Please sir, with all respect, we never met before and I don’t remember ever talking to you in my life so I guess you actually have mistaken me as some-“
“Why are you here?” this is the second time the man asked him a question that night.
“Why are you here?” Gotak replied.
“I asked you first so answer the question” he almost let his lip quirk up at the childish remark the man offered but he caught it fast.
“I just wanted some place where I could be alone and let go for a little bit”
“So you ran away” Gotak lowered his eyes almost guiltily. He felt ashamed that a mere stranger had accused him of that so, spurred on by his emotions he blurted out:
“You are here too, you ran away like me.”
“I didn’t ran away, this is actually near to where I live”
“You are avoiding my question” Gotak scoffed.
“Like you, who is avoiding your problems like a coward?” the man spoke almost too fast for Gotak to catch what he just had said.
He almost didn’t acknowledge it but his body did that for him.
He felt his ears ringing, the words were repeating in his head like an ominous chant, and his vision was starting to get blurry as unruly emotions were trying to take over.
He didn’t know what to do: he was torn between punching his face or actually getting up, leaving this man and never coming back. He felt his blood boil, almost seething in his veins, rushing to his hands to let him feel the tingling and incite him to just grab the man’s shirt and let out all the frustration. He could feel the tension in his feet, the body almost subconsciously making the decision for him, to just ran away and forget what happened. But he wouldn’t, he couldn’t. He was tired.
Neither of them spoke for a while: they just let words hang, stretching out the silence that seemed too suffocating, too revealing. The other man also didn’t press on it, almost like that words never left his mouth, and Gotak actually appreciated it.
He wasn’t used to it: Baku would always be the type to be upfront about any problem, never too fond of being apart from his bestfriend and trying to butt into his life the second he sensed that something wasn’t going too well. Juntae was the type to not let his emotions control him, always searching for a common ground to meet the other’s point of view and try to start anew; Suho was actually a very carefree person, he didn’t let what other people thought about him make space in his mind, knowing his worth and what his principle were.
Sieun was maybe the one who resembled the man the most, not actually speaking to you first but looking at you with such expressive eyes that you could almost hear his words without him talking.
Despite that, nothing could match the black abyss that he was facing in that moment. He didn’t notice the stare of the man beside him, watching him playing with the loose threads of his worn out scarf.
He almost didn’t catch the shift of the man’s eyes to his fingers and, to not let this embarrass himself more, he mumbled:”It’s too cold here, my hands are freezing”.
The man shifted his gaze back at him.
Gotak wanted to say I’ve seen how you’re looking at me, you think I’m just making excuses, you already think I’m a coward so why not trying to be a loser too who couldn’t even control his emotions.
He could almost feel his cheeks redding more, his gut wrenching at the thought of feeling like a little boy who was trying to impress the other, his eyes fluttering to mask the tears coming.
He didn’t speak but the man still understood.
“It’s okay”.
As the words left his mouth, Gotak broke down.
He started sobbing, his chest shaking with how hard was getting to breathe, biting his lips to try to cover the whimpering that wanted to leave his mouth and using his hands to dry up the tears running down his face. He was digging his shoes into the sand, as if it could help escape faster - but he was sick of this, and so tired.
The man didn’t say much after that.
He had his hand on Gotak’s back, trying to shush him softly while saying “ that’s it, let it out” and “you’re doing so well, don’t worry”.
That actually made Gotak feel a little better, almost making him forget about the fact that he was getting consoled by a stranger, sitting next to each other as they were childhood friends who went to the beach to spend some time together.
Gotak shook his head as the thought crossed his mind: he didn’t know this person, he could actually have had bad intentions, hell he could have committed a crime and was actually here to kill him and use his identity to leave the country. He could be anyone on this earth but, even after that, Gotak couldn’t do anything but trust him.
Maybe it was his presence, so stubborn but so calming at the same time, his deep rich voice that made him feel like he was almost grumbling as he spoke, his eyes looking at him - through him - that made him speak after what seemed like hours passed.
“I don’t know what is going on with me.” Gotak stated.
“I feel like I’m not in control of my life anymore. Everyone is expecting me to do one thing, to just keep playing because that was always what I wanted to do since I was a kid. I know how my mom worked so hard just to afford extra lessons so they would help me get into better shape and actually train for whatever championships were held during that time. She knew that was my dream: she always listening me rambling to my bestfriend about how cool the athlete was after mustering that new move I just watched on the tv, and how that actually worked into surprising the opponent. My friends watched me compete so many times, they were there for me after that one incident that made me rethink about my career. They were my pillars, the ones who watched me bring myself back step after step. They are my everything and I would forever be thankful for them but, I am scared.” the boy said with a small voice.
“I feel like I’m disappointing them. I keep skipping training, I don’t even watch that many matches. I just - I don’t feel the spark anymore.” Gotak felt his bottom lip quivering a little. He closed his eyes forcefully, as he could erase what he was feeling.
“So, you really are a coward” he didn’t expect to hear these words at all.
“What are you saying? Did u even hear what I was -“
“Yes I did hear you but nothing changes the fact that you still are a coward.”
“Wow, thank you so much for your kind words boy. Why would I except so much from a stranger who could actually be a killer for what I know. What could I even possible obtain from someone who doesn’t understand how heartbreaking it is to disappoint the person you love the most.”
“But, aren’t you disappointing yourself?” his deep voice gained a little strain, as if he was actually trying to fight the words from escaping him.
“That’s the first question you should ask yourself. You are running away from your responsibilities. You are an adult but here you are, trying to making excuses and not being capable to face the truth.
Who the fuck cares about what others think.
You want to become a doctor? Do that.
You want to start a restaurant and be a famous chef? Okay, just do that.
Hell, you want to disappear and live on a stranded island? Yes, you can do that.
Would your friends hate you? Would your mom actually be smiling about the fact that his son is not happy about what is doing but he’s so scared that he couldn’t had the courage to open up to her?
I don’t think so.
You are so lucky to have people who understand you, to be there for you whatever happens and you have the audacity to turn your back to them because what? You are scared of disappointing them when, in reality, the only one who are disappointing is yourself.
You try to ran away from a cage that no one other than you built.”
The man noticed too late how they were more close than what he remembered. He could feel his heart beating faster, spurred by the vehemence of his voice. He looked at Gotak’s face, almost scared to have talked too much, to have revealed something that wasn’t meant to be shared after so long.
As he felt the other man trying to distance himself, gotak came back to his senses and put his hand on the man’s knee.
“You are actually right, I’m a coward” he admitted.
“I’m just trying to avoid the inevitable. I was so caught up with all the what ifs that I didn’t see what was in front of me. I noticed how they were always whispering something when they thought I couldn’t hear, asking themselves why I wasn’t acting like myself at all and trying to guess the reasons.
I was too scared to look at them.
I didn’t want to know what would show up on their faces: would it sadness, thinking about how much I loved playing? Would it be pity, asking themselves how I could recover from this loss when the last time I tried I was loosing myself?
These are questions I can’t actually answer but I know something. I am tired. I am so exhausted of this situation, of this feeling, of myself.
So thank you, really. I guess I actually needed someone to scold me and let me get a hold of myself.” Gotak felt his shoulders rise up a little, as if something heavy finally left his place.
He actually needed this. He subconsciously knew that he wanted to open up, to vent out his frustrations to someone, but he knew he couldn’t get to do that with the others, always so scared about the reactions.
So he went in search of a quiet place, a place where he could just let it out and free himself.
He didn’t knew what would happen later that night. He wasn’t a religious person, not particularly fond of their behaviour and beliefs, but maybe this was something else. Maybe it was fate that brought him here, next to the other man.
“It wasn’t that difficult, wasn’t it?” he could almost hear the small laugh that left the man lips.
Gotak stilled, feeling his cheeks lifting a little as he actually smiled for the first time since who knows when. He felt weirdly content, some kind of satisfaction and endearment at the other’s words.
He hummed, almost pleased for making the other man break into a smile, noticing that he wanted to see it more.
The sound of the waves made him turn back to reality. He didn’t know this man, he didn’t even know his name and here it was fantasticating about seeing that man again and making him smile.
He was getting delusional and he had to make himself stop thinking about it.
“What’s your name? I’m sorry, I noticed that I talked too much about myself and I never asked you anything”
“It’s okay, it’s not like I asked you for yours.
So what? Who cares about names when I got to know your soul?” Gotak was left speechless. He almost couldn’t believe that something so cringe yet so deep was said by the man.
“So you are really a serial killer” he replied.
“Do you think a serial killer has time to be at the beach this late at night?” “Maybe he took a break from his job to recharge his batteries and be ready for the next kill” the man grinned at the absurdity of the other’s words.
Then, after a few seconds, as something flashed behind his eyes, he replied:“Or maybe he wanted start swimming again but he didn’t remember how to.”
The smile dropped from his face.
He didn’t understand what he was saying but he didn’t have to wait long because he continued.
“Maybe I’m just a shark who couldn’t handle the high tide and just succumbed to it”.
The only thing you could hear was something crashing - maybe it was the waves, maybe it was Gotak’s heart.
“So swim with me.”
“What?”
“I said swim with me, I think I can see the beach from here” Gotak stated, looking at the man’s eyes.
They weren’t pitch black anymore, something bright was swirling inside them. It was there within reach, he could almost touch it.
“You are crazy” the man stated.
“Says the serial killer” Gotak tried to bring that man’s smile back, he missed it.
“It’s getting colder here” he hissed while trying to loosen the knot from his scarf “ you should use this, it may be more helpful to you than to me”
The man looked at him surprised.
“I am not feeling cold, I am actually wearing a shirt because I always feel hot so why - “
“I don’t care so take it. Do it for me”
Gotak stared at him with such earnestness, with so much care that he couldn’t do anything but let the other wrap the scarf around his neck.
His head was feeling kind of fuzzy, maybe from the little sleep he was getting these days, maybe from the warm he didn’t feel for a while.
The fourth thing Gotak noticed was the stillness. He didn’t even acknowledge the chill wind seeping through his thick coat or the bottom of his pants getting dirtier because of the sand.
He didn’t feel the cold. He could almost feel the warm left from the other man when he got up. He couldn’t even remember how much time has passed: was it 10 minutes? Was it more, maybe an hour? he felt like time was making fun of him.
He could only remember one name - Keum Seongje.
The man who gave him to key to free himself.
The man who heard him even when he felt like he didn’t have enough air to breathe.
The man who saw him and not let him sink.
He didn’t know if he will ever meet him after that night but he knew one thing for sure.
If he stopped swimming, gotak would be there to teach him how to again.