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Robert Robertson the third did not expect to get married. Hell, he couldn’t even hold down a relationship for more than a few months (not that he had many to begin with). So the fact that he was currently standing in the middle of his shitty apartment, staring down at his boyfriend on one knee was baffling, to say the least.
He wasn’t sure how long Chad had been standing, er- well, kneeling there. But it must have been for far too long, as the man below him made a disgruntled noise. “Are you or are you not going to put on the fucking ring?” the man chastised, yanking the gold plated ring from the small red velvet box and shoving it promptly in front of Robert’s face.
The said man’s face heated up, his ears blushing pink as he scrambled to find the right words. “Oh! Uh- yeah, um… yeah…” he trailed off, holding out his hand for Chad to put the ring on.
Chad stared, blinking twice dumbly. “That’s it? Just ‘uh, yeah’? That’s all you’re going to fucking say?” the fire hero pursed his lips, “I’m trying to be all romantic and shit here, and that’s the only thing you can come up with?”
It felt like there were a million thoughts running through Robert’s mind. He wanted to say more, wanted to cry and drop into Chad’s arms, tell him how much he loved him and how he indefinitely changed his life the moment he walked into the SDN building. But, instead, all he did was nod slowly, plucking the ring from Chad’s hand and shoving it onto his ring finger gracelessly.
“Real charmer, aren’t ya Bobert?” Chad laughed dryly, picking himself off of the hardwood floor in Robert’s makeshift living room. “I thought you’d be a little more excited, but hey. At least you didn’t outright reject me,” the older of the pair leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on the shorter man. He turned lazily to walk towards the bedroom, and suddenly all emotions overcame Robert at once when he saw Chad turn on his heel.
“Where are you going?” he launched out to catch Chad’s wrist in his hand, eyes starting to water with worry. The taller man whipped his head around, long hair tossed over his shoulder, “damn, Bob Bob, I’m just going to take a showe- wait, are you okay?” Chad noticed his boyfriend’s- well he guessed now it was his fiancé’s face, as he looked at him. If Chad didn’t know any better, it looked as if someone had just kicked Beef out of the window right in front of Robert.
Chad knelt down slightly, so that he could be face to face with Robert. His brows furrowed with concern, “what’s wrong? Why do you look like someone just told you your mom died? Oh wait-” the fire hero internally cringed. That was a very poor choice of words, even for someone as witty as Chad.
As if he’d activated a switch, Robert began to cry on cue, fat tears spilling down his freckled cheeks as his chest heaved heavily.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay, calm down, I’m right here” Chad tried to console, gently guiding Robert back to the couch and patting his back, as if he were trying to soothe a small child. “Did you really hate the ring that much? I thought that the gold suited your eyes,” Chad tried joking, picking up Robert’s hand to inspect the ring closely, “by the way, you put it on the wrong hand.”
Robert sniffled, wiping his damp eyes with the back of his sleeve. “No, I love it, the ring I mean…” he sobbed out, trying to now, and unsuccessfully, yank the ring off his right ring finger. At this rate, it looked like he was going to pull his entire hand off, so Chad laid his own hands on Robert’s and slipped the golden band off gently, clutching it in his palm.
“It’s nothing to get worked up about, Bob Bob-” the older soothed, lifting Robert’s left hand to slide the ring back on the correct finger. He held the smaller hand in his own, raising both up so their hands were flush. The two pieces of jewelry sparkled next to each other, Robert’s having a small “C” engraved on the side and Chad’s an “R”.
“See? All better, now you look like a real married man- well, that is, if you still want to get married,” Chad chuckled sheepishly, intertwining their hands together.
Another wrecked sob barreled out of Robert, “oh god, of course I want to marry you,” the man wrapped his arms around Chad, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. “But why the fuck would you want to marry me?”
Chad froze, looking down at Robert whose face was contorted in a silent kind of pain. A pain that you couldn’t outright see, but could feel lingering within the man’s conscience, shrouded in self-doubt and disbelief.
“Why wouldn’t I want to marry you? We’ve been dating for, what, four years already? If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t have even dated your bitch ass,” the fire hero stated matter-of-factly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his lover’s impaired ear. “Did you need me to like… court you- or something like that? I didn’t know you were such a prude.”
The latter shook his head, leaning back against the armrest of the couch. “No it’s not that, I mean-” Robert sighed, rubbing his hands aggressively down his face. “I’m so boring… just… Robert” he deadpanned, his hands expanding out dramatically at the mention of his name. “I don’t know what it’s like to love, or to be loved, really.” He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the feeling of dread that was eating at him to go away. It didn’t.
“I don’t want you to be… disappointed when you realize that I’m just- well… me.”
*
Robert knew that his childhood was fucked from the get go. His father used to run his house like the navy, expecting nothing less than perfection. Everything had to be calculated; what he did, why he did it, what the outcome would be, and what he would say when he would inevitably fail his father’s expectations once again. It wasn’t easy, and there were times where Robert had thought that his father actually loved him. Like when he would smile after Robert aced a mechanics quiz, or when Robert handed him the correct tool to fix the mech suit without needing to be prompted, or maybe when the young, naive version of himself would proudly proclaim to the news outlets that he would take over the mantle of Mecha Man when his fathers time was over.
His father had smiled all those times, a blinding white and toothy grin on display, ruffling Robert’s hair and stating, “that’s my boy!” Robert had felt happy then, he had felt happy and relieved… that he was able to make his father smile, make him proud. But, looking back, these happy moments in Robert’s life were sparse, much more sparse than he would’ve cared to admit. So few and far between that the darkness that filled in the gaps were too big to ignore, although he had tried so desperately to.
Most nights Robert would run to his room, stumble over himself and slam the door so hard the hinges would rattle the doorframe. He would crawl into his closet and cry, sobbing so loudly that it almost sounded like someone was torturing him in there. He tried to breathe evenly, remembering what his mother had told him. Deep breath in, deep breath out.
It didn’t work when his father, enraged and belligerent, would pound on his door. Screaming his name over and over, berating and calling him every name in the book: idiot, useless, a failure; everything that Robert tried so hard to avoid being. Everything that Robert knew he was to his father.
It didn’t used to be as bad when his mother was around. After what seemed like hours of uncontrollable wailing, she would knock on his door: two knocks, a pause, another knock, another pause, then three more knocks. He would open his door on shaky legs, collapsing into his mother when she held her arms out wide enough to envelope him as a young child. At the time, those arms felt endless; like they could take away every single worry in the world.
Then she had to go and die.
She had to die and abandon Robert, forsake him to a lifetime of servitude by the hands of his father.
He worked endlessly, he worked so hard. He trained every day and every night, until he didn’t know what time it was or when he had eaten his last meal. He worked on the mech suit until the skin of his fingers peeled, knuckles bleeding from his work gloves rubbing them raw. He let his father scream at him, spit flying in his face as he was told repeatedly that he wasn’t enough, that he had amounted to nothing and he could never be anything more than just Robert.
Then came the guilt of it all. When his father would admonish him for ignoring him; after all that he had sacrificed, after all that he had done for Robert. He would say that his mind was poisoned, that his mother was controlling him, turning the gears in his head to conspire against him, despite her being dead for years.
Then when his father died, he didn’t feel much. He didn’t feel anything except for the ghost of his fathers words, nagging at him in his mind, the words practically etched into his skin.
So, no. Robert Robertson the third didn’t know how to love. He had lost the ability to long ago. It died with his mother; although, he sometimes assumes the ability was never there in the first place.
And who could love him? He was a shell of a man, living only to survive. He dedicated his life to being Mecha Man, and even then he couldn’t do that right. He had lost everything, and now the writing was on the wall. Maybe his father had been right all along. The only thing that Robert could ever be good at was just being Robert.
But then a literal fireball had walked into his life. With it bringing back all of the negative emotions of his father; the name calling, the belittling- it was constant. But this time it felt different. It didn’t carry the same effect as his father’s words, although Chad definitely had some creative nicknames for him.
When Robert talked back to Chad over the dispatch line, he didn’t expect the hearty laugh that accompanied the comment. Chad’s thick accent invaded the line; Well color me surprised, I guess our dispatcher’s got a few jabs of his own. Not as much of a pussy as I thought you were, Robbo.
Their banter came naturally, almost eerily so. Joking over the dispatch line almost every shift, so much so that the rest of the Z Team would groan obnoxiously. Get a fucking room, you two! Prism would shout. The rest of the team laughing and hollering loudly at the comment. And in the peace of Robert’s small cubicle in the SDN building, he would let himself smile at Chad’s words. Ears turning pink every time the flame hero’s icon lit up to clock in for the day. He’d never admit that though.
When Chad asked him out, Robert was sure that he was hearing things. It had to be due to the fact that he had drunk five cups of coffee that morning, because there was no way in hell that Flambe, the sexy, tall walking wet dream of a man was asking scrawny, little Robert Robertson the third out, on a date no less.
Robert swore it was casual. The first time they went out they had Afghani food, something that the dispatcher had never had the pleasure of ingesting before. They went to a small, mom and pop restaurant that Chad knew the owner of. And after eating the most delicious and well seasoned food of his life, they went back to Robert’s apartment and surprisingly- did nothing. Well, nothing sexual at least. They did talk, like a lot. They had a full on yap session, talking about anything and everything under the sun; how Chad became friends with Prism, what they thought Sonar did to bribe the college admissions of Harvard, and the fact that Punch Up sounded very similar to a popular YouTuber, though they couldn’t put a name to who.
When Robert came to, he was lying against Chad’s chest on the couch, the older man’s arm slung lazily over his torso, covering probably a good third of his body. No wonder Robert didn’t feel cold that night.
Though he swore it was casual, a month into their situationship Robert found himself falling harder and faster for the fire hero than he ever thought humanly possible. He started to look forward to seeing Chad every weekday, and missed him over their long weekends apart. It was getting ridiculously obvious too, and though the snickers and hushed whispers behind hands became a daily occurrence from the other Z Team members, Robert, for once, couldn’t care less.
Everything was going well, almost too well. Robert and Chad’s relationship grew steadily, and he thought that they were getting ready to move to second base. They were nearly there too, and then he just had to be vulnerable in that moment eating shitty fast food with the team and reveal his identity as Mecha Man.
The look on Chad’s face was one he’d never forget. Like his fathers words permanently etched into his skin, sitting like an open wound that kept growing bigger. He had tried to kill him. He remembered the flames that were gunning straight for him, the fiery embers swirling wildly in the thick atmosphere. But Golem had stopped Chad. Stepped in front of Robert without a second thought, only saying “thanks for the drink.”
He had almost wished that Golem didn’t make it in time. Chad deserved to have his revenge and if it would’ve given the man some semblance of closure, Robert would’ve been more than happy to burn into a million ashes for him.
He knew that it was over. Nothing ever went well for Robert Robertson the third. Not when he was a kid, not when he was a teenager, not even when he was Torrance’s greatest hero.
But Chad came back. He came back and he said that he forgave Robert. Forgave him for what he had done, for how he had mutilated his fingers, for how he had sent him to jail, for everything. And Robert, sweet, stupid little Robert, couldn’t believe it. For the first time he wasn’t a fuck up, even though he had ruined the life of the man he was starting to love more and more every passing day. He didn’t deserve it; Chad’s kindness, his compassion. He was the last person who would ever deserve it, but there Chad was, standing at his door step, saying that he forgave him.
That feeling never truly whittled away. The feeling of guilt, of regret. He was thankful that Chad had wanted to stay with him, he was elated to be honest, but there was still a wicked little voice in the back of the younger man’s head. A voice that echoed the sentiment his father ingrained so deeply in him at a tender age, you’ll never be anything more than just Robert.
And as the years went on, Robert tried his damn best to be everything for Chad. He wanted, no needed to prove to him that he was worthy of his attention, worthy of his precious time that Robert had so ashamedly wasted back when he fought him as Mecha Man.
He almost gave up the suit. The guilt was so strong that at one point, Robert thought that burning the suit would alleviate all of his feelings of his wrongdoings altogether. When he expressed his sentiments, he thought that Chad would be 100% on board, maybe even be the one to volunteer to burn the eyesore for him. Much to Robert’s surprise, Chad actually told him not to burn the suit. His boyfriend had said that if burning the suit made him feel better he’d do it, no questions asked, but he thought that Robert liked being Mecha Man.
I guess therein laid the question. Did Robert like being Mecha Man?
He said yes anyway, because it seemed to put Chad to ease. But inside, Robert’s hatred of the suit festered; just like his fathers words etched into his skin.
*
“What do you mean disappointed?” Chad asked pointedly, his brows furrowed in confusion. Robert rubbed the back of his neck, “I mean, once you start to be with me… like… all the time- you might feel… different.” Robert was never usually one to talk in circles, he liked to cut straight to the chase and always called it as he saw it. But he couldn’t help but drop the most asinine hints to Chad, hoping, praying that he would pick up on what he meant. He just couldn’t find it in himself to say it out loud.
Chad’s scowl only deepened, “I don’t get what you’re talking about Robert, we practically live at each other’s apartments anyway, so what’s the difference if we get married?” he flashed his hand, the gleaming piece of jewelry illuminating in the dusky room. “It’s only a ring, nothing else really changes. Well, unless you want to open a joint bank account or some shit.”
The latter groaned out, pinching his nose bridge in constraint. “No, things will change Chad. If we get married, we’ll start to live together 24/7. That means that we’ll not only be sharing everything together in a single apartment, but that you’ll have to start changing your lifestyle for me.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing on Earth to understand. However, Chad still had no fucking clue what Robert was droning on about.
“What is all this talk about changing? Are you gonna transform into a mega evolution or some pokémon bullshit? You’re still gonna be the same Robert, and I’ll still be the same hot ass motherfucker.” Chad didn’t want to play this stupid game of beat-around-the-bush with his fiancé, but he tried his very best to humor the man as he was clearly distraught about something Chad hadn’t the faintest idea of.
But, to be fair, Robert wasn’t helping his case by not just outright saying what it is he wanted. A small flicker sprung to life within Chad’s palm, but he put it out as fast as it had appeared, hoping that Robert didn’t see it to avoid jumping to conclusions.
The shorter man leapt up from the couch, pacing around the room in long strides. He mumbled something that Chad couldn’t hear and began to pull at loose strands of his pretty auburn locks. “Don’t you fucking get it? It’s me. I’m just me, just… Robert." He knew he was falling harder and faster, spiraling down into a shit show that he may never recover from after this. He was too far gone, and Chad apparently didn’t understand what he was hinting at, so he’d have no other choice but to spell it out for him.
He felt a presence behind him, the air heating up as Chad approached. “You talk in these riddles, but I still have no fucking idea what you’re so upset about,” he felt a hand grasp his shoulder, urging him to spin around and face the other man. Robert shifted and jerked himself away, the action ripping an insulted scoff from Chad’s mouth. And just as Chad was about to make some petty remark about oh, now you don’t even want me to touch you, Robert shut his eyes and blurted out the first thing he could think to say, “I’ll never be able to make you happy because just being me is never enough!”
The tension shot through the room like a bolt of lightning. Both men stood frozen on their respective sides of the room, staring at each other. Chad opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He glared at Robert, eyes soft and sad, his brows knitted together in worry.
“Just being me has never been enough. Not for my dad, not for Torrance, not even for you. Everything I touch I fuck up, and I can’t, no, I won’t risk losing you; because I don’t think I can deal with another thing in my life going wrong, especially when it comes to you,” Robert sobbed out, both of his hands on Chad’s broad shoulders to stabilize himself. He felt like he was about to fall over, his feet were on pins and needles.
“Robert-”
“No, let me finish.” If Robert was going to go there, he might as well get all of it out. No use in stopping now.
“I’ve accepted the fact that I failed my dad, I knew that he hated me and there was nothing that I could ever do to change his mind. I thought that by taking over the responsibility of the suit, it would help to bring me some kind of peace… I could do it differently…” he was ever so slightly hyperventilating now. He had never said any of this to a soul before, but it wasn’t surprising that Chad was the first.
“I could be a new, better version of Mecha Man. But in the end, it ended up consuming me. I hated the suit, I still do even to this day. It brought nothing but absolute misery to my life. I get in that hunk of metal and all I can see is my dad, all I can hear are his words in my head. It fucking sucks- but then, when I thought I was at least doing some good, I almost fucking killed you.”
Chad cupped his fiancé’s face, caressing his sunken cheekbones with such tenderness as if he thought Robert would break if he put too much pressure. In all honesty, he probably would.
“All I ever do is Robert everything up. And maybe- maybe that’s just it. Maybe it’s because I’m doing it, maybe that’s why everything is such shit. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don’t want our relationship to end up like all the other fucked up things in my life. Please, Chad… I can’t fuck this up too.”
Like a rainstorm flooding a river, Robert’s sobs overflowed out of him. He felt Chad’s arms around him, holding him so tightly like he would disintegrate. At some point they had both collapsed onto the floor, Robert crying into Chad’s chest and Chad rubbing small circles into his back. Robert didn’t know how long they sat like that, wrapped in each other's embrace while he processed the influx of emotional turmoil that resurfaced.
After what seemed like a lifetime, Chad adjusted his position on the floor so that he was sitting against the wall with Robert tucked between his legs. “Y’know what’s ironic? The whole reason why I started to like you in the first place was because of how unapologetic you are,” the taller man leaned his head against the wall, eyes fixed on the ceiling above him.
“That is ironic,” Robert breathed out heavily, a forced laugh pulled from out of him, “considering I just had a full on breakdown about how much I suck as a person.”
“But like, and correct me if I’m wrong, you do know that you’re not actually a failure, right?” Chad squeezed Robert’s forearm, trying to offer some comfort. “I mean, despite what your bastard of a dead father told you, there’s actual proof that you have amounted to something.”
The man between Chad’s legs sniffled, “oh yeah? Like what?”
Chad snorted like he thought something was funny. It made Robert look up at him with inquisitive eyes. “I don’t know, maybe when you fucking sent Shroud’s mechanical ass to jail? Or when you turned a misfit band of villains into literal heroes? Or how about when you jumped back into the suit, after being in a coma for months? I’m inclined to think those count.”
Robert thought about what Chad said. He guessed he did have a point. Those were all things that he had done, and though at the time they didn’t seem like such a big deal, they were all pretty great accomplishments in the grand scheme of things.
“Also, fuck your dad. The suit is what you make of it. You’re not your dad or whatever fuckshit he said about you. The suit doesn’t make Mecha Man, it’s the person who’s piloting it that does. And as far as people go, I’d say you’re a pretty damn good one.”
Robert considered his next words carefully, “Even if all of that is true, the suit still carries a lot of… unwanted memories.” Truth be told, although the mech suit was basically the physical reminder of his departed father, Robert still loved being a hero. He loved being the one others relied on when they were in need, he loved being the one people looked to for hope, and above all, being Mecha Man allowed him to cross paths with Chad. Even if it was in a kinda fucked up way.
His fiancé shrugged, “then make it your own. I know you like being a hero, so be a hero. Don’t be your dad’s version of Mecha Man. You’re not doing it for him, you’re doing it for you. The people of Torrance look up to you, the Z Team team won’t ever admit it, but they would die without you, and I…” Chad paused, his mouth suddenly dry. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.
“…can’t imagine a life without you by my side,” he punched Robert’s arm playfully. “Unfortunately, I’ve grown extremely fond of you. Sometimes I even scare myself.”
For the first time tonight, Robert smiled. “That was a great motivational speech.”
“I learned from the best.”
They sat there on the cold hardwood floor for the next hour, chatting about various things like how hard it was for Chad to pick out decent rings on only a hero’s salary (which wasn’t a lot). Robert slowly started to feel better. Not only because he finally got to release all of that pent up emotion stuck inside him, but also because of what Chad had said. It was hard for Robert to open up, he was used to shoving his insecurities and fears so deep within himself that they had practically become a part of his immune system by now. It wasn’t like him to just explode like that. Normally Robert was careful, calculated. Always putting on a brave face in public, it had always been that way.
But with Chad, it was different. With Chad, he didn’t want to keep fronting a version of himself that he knew wasn’t real. He didn’t want Chad to become another statistic in his life. So in the end, he was glad that Chad knew what was going on in that muddled head of his. He was even happier that he didn’t have to keep these feelings to himself anymore.
Suddenly, Chad pushed himself off of the floor and dusted his legs off dramatically. He stretched his neck side to side which caused it to make a cracking sound. Robert raised an eyebrow in confusion, but remained silent for the most part. Looking on in anticipation as to what the man would do next.
“Now that all that existential bullshit is out of the way, I think we should start over.”
Chad leaned down, propping himself on one knee. He gently plucked the golden band off of Robert’s finger and cleared his throat loudly. The ring was enclosed in Chad’s right palm when he reached out for Robert’s hand with the other, which the latter gladly took.
“Robert Robertson the third, I fucking love you so much it’s honestly concerning at this point. You’ve made me the happiest person in the fucking world; and even if for some reason you can’t see it in yourself, you’re the most amazing, passionate, and beautiful man I’ve ever met- after me, of course.”
He opened his palm to reveal the glittering ring, “would you marry me, you bitch?”
Robert was crying again, but now it was tears of overwhelming joy. “Fuck yeah, I’ll marry you.”
Once the ring was returned to its rightful owner, the pair bumped foreheads together, basking in the golden rays of the setting sun in Robert's shitty living room.
“Till death do us part,” Chad whispered, “because you’re not getting rid of me, ever.”
Robert laughed, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”