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He had to tell Tsukasa.
He couldn't live on like this!
It felt like torture, how Tsukasa always smiled at him so brightly, and yet Rui was always too scared to make a move. Too nervous.
Rui fell down onto the couch he called his bed, looking up at the ceiling before letting his gaze fall onto a hoodie. The only piece of Tsukasa's clothing he owned. He rarely wore it, trying not to waste the other's faint smell. He cherished it so deeply it was embarrassing.
He glanced at his faint sketches of Tsukasa's face, far from perfect, considering Rui wasn't much skilled when it came to art, but the drawings were still good enough to somewhat resemble the golden-haired boy.
"He's so pretty.." Rui mumbled to himself, turning over. It was quite late, but he wasn't tired. He'd rather go and try make something, a robot, or something similar, considering it was the only thing he was really good at.
His gaze slid from one of his sketches to the calendar. Valentine's day was tomorrow. Today, even, considering the time. Maybe he could...
Rui shook his head. Confessing through a valentine? That was stupid. Not even stupid, it was simply a desperate act! The most desperate act one could do, probably, aside from just running up to someone and saying they liked them.
It wasn't a bad idea though.
He had to act fast however, otherwise he simply wouldn't have enough time to—
Rui got up, blinking away any tiny specs of sleepiness that had already reached his exhausted brain. Surely he had an unsigned valentine somewhere, right?
..
Nothing.
Well, he could still make one from scratch! If anything, it'd only be better, since it meant that Rui went out of his way just to make something for Tsukasa when he could simply buy it from the store.
Although Rui doubted any small, close by convenience stores were open during... 2:31 AM.
It wasn't a difficult task, considering all Rui had to do was cut out a red heart and add some small details, but the most difficult part by far was deciding what to write.
Rui decided that the best thing he could do was confess to Tsukasa in person, so he decided to write something simple.
Meet me on the rooftop after classes.
It sounded almost threatening, if not for the small, messily-drawn heart on the end.
He was exhausted, for some reason. Maybe it was because he was planning on confessing to the one he loved, and that was not only making him nervous as ever but also drained his energy, or maybe it was because he barely ate anything during today, but he really didn't care.
Rui plopped back down onto his bed, turning onto his back and staring at the ceiling, not bothering to turn off the dim lights, but instead burying himself in his own thoughts until his brain finally gave up and let him sleep.
He was going to see Tsukasa tomorrow. Despite being nervous, he couldn't help but feel excited. Maybe even a bit too excited.
——★
"So, do you think you're going to get any valentines today?" Tsukasa barely made out Saki's words, despite them only being a room apart.
"Probably not." He admitted, carefully fixing his hair. He had to look perfect. Maybe it didn't matter to most people, but to him it was quite important, genuinely.
"I'm kind of hoping to get one!" Saki declared, glancing into the room and staring at her brother for a few seconds. "You've been fixing your hair for the past seven minutes, it looks fine."
Tsukasa grumbled something in response, thinking for a moment before speaking. "Wait, you are hoping to get one? From who?"
"I'd uh.. rather not say..." Saki murmured, immediately blushing. She spoke so quietly it was barely even audible, and yet Tsukasa still managed to hear her.
"One of your friends?" Tsukasa guessed, glancing at his sister, half thoughtfully, half curiously. Maybe he cared for her more than he cared for himself.
"Yeah." Saki murmured, before smiling and giggling. "Come on, we'll be late."
——★
He couldn't just give it to Tsukasa, that was too obvious. Plus, he didn't know how he'd react, and he'd rather not risk it.
Rui walked down the street, not too focused on whatever was happening around him, his thoughts clouded with useless worries.
He sighed. He'd been almost completely avoiding Tsukasa for all of today! Thinking about it made his heart wrench, but he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of someone as dear to him as Tsukasa.
Rui looked up, trying to actually focus on walking so he wouldn't end up bumping into something, or worse, someone, but that's when something caught his eye.
An oddly familiar flash of blonde hair. Except it wasn't Tsukasa.
"Saki!" Rui ran up to the girl, seemingly catching her off guard. "And Shiho."
He nodded to the gray-haired girl before turning to Saki.
"Could you do me a favour?"
"Uh... Sure, what is it?" The girl smiled, though she looked quite different from Tsukasa. Tsukasa's smile was usually confident, and eye-catching, and Saki's...
Saki's was warmer, more gentle.
She wasn't like Tsukasa.
"Can you hand this to your brother?" Rui dug the valentine out of his pocket, rocking back and forth on his feet as he waited for Saki's response.
"Sure! Do you want me to—"
"Don't say it was from me." Rui said quickly. He didn't want Tsukasa to know just yet. "Please."
"Well that answered my question." Saki giggled, taking the valentine and hiding it in her bag. "I'll hand it to him, don't worry."
"Thank you, you're a lifesaver." Rui rubbed the back of his head, feeling the need to explain himself for no particular reason. "I can't get myself to give it to him, so.."
"I get it, I get it. We have to go now though, sorry."
"Oh, yeah, it's not a problem. Enjoy yourselves! Happy valentine's day.."
He couldn't believe he just did that. Maybe his situation wasn't as doomed as he initially feared it'd be. At least Tsukasa was going to get his valentine.
Well, he still had to wait for Tsukasa's reaction, but at least the most difficult part was already over.
He couldn't wait.
He couldn't understand if the feeling swirling inside him was fear or excitement, or maybe a mix of the both, but he didn't care.
He felt oddly exhausted, despite not really doing anything today.
Maybe he just needed to take a nap. This couldn't go a bad way. Worst case scenario, Tsukasa would simply reject him. Maybe he'd even let them still be friends. This physically couldn't get any worse than that. Right?
When Rui finally got home, he cast one glance at his messy desk and fell onto his bed. He didn't have the energy or desire to be productive, and considering that he didn't get much sleep yesterday, it was a good idea to catch up today. Only problem was that it took him almost an hour to actually fall asleep, but he was too used to it to care at this point.
He genuinely couldn't wait until tomorrow.
——★
Tsukasa was awfully noisy that day. He seemed quite excited, babbling on and on about something. If only Rui knew what Tsukasa was talking about. It was a shame he didn't walk up to him, not even once.
Rui hoped that Tsukasa was excited about the valentine, though there was also a chance he just wanted to find out how well he did on his test or something.
Or something.
Rui walked through the half-empty hallway, trying not to bump into anyone, which proved to be a challenge considering his mind was occupied with other thoughts at the moment.
He didn't even realise it when his legs ended up leading him to the rooftop. Normally he'd just turn around and walk back to his classes, and he was about to do just that before remembering that today's classes were over already.
Students were advised not to go up here during the winter as to not slip and fall due to the thin layer of snow coating the roof. Maybe that's was why nobody was here.
But no. Somebody was here. Rui stared at the sun, slightly covered by a particularly large cloud, before something caught his eye. Golden hair, slowly fading into a peachy orange on the ends, just barely ruffled by the soft wind looked ethereal to Rui. He only now noticed that Tsukasa's hair grew out just slightly, making him look even prettier in Rui's eyes. He froze in place, gaze fixed on the other boy, unable to move. He probably looked like an idiot, didn't he?
Tsukasa turned his head, and their eyes met for just a split second. Tsukasa smiled. Rui smiled back. Automatically. Tsukasa never failed to make Rui happy with his smile.
The golden-haired boy gestured something, probably for Rui to walk closer, and he did. They stood there in silence for a few moments, Tsukasa admiring the sky, and Rui admiring him. Finally the other boy spoke, his tone almost too friendly.
"Are you cold?"
"Huh?" Rui tilted his head, his brain too distracted to immediately grasp the meaning of Tsukasa's question.
"You're not wearing a jacket."
"Oh, right... Yeah, no, I'm fine." He smiled again, waiting for the golden-haired boy to say something, anything about the valentine.
"Did you get one too?" Tsukasa stared at Rui questioningly, but that only make him more confused.
"Did I get what too? What are you talking about?"
"A valentine." Rui's heart skipped a beat. He was so stupid sometimes. "I got one that told me to be here after classes. 'Wonder who it's from."
"Ah, that explains it." Idiot, what is that supposed to mean?? Great, now Rui sounded even more stupid.
"Oh so you got one too? I assumed someone could've sent one to both of us as like a joke. If not, my guess was that it may have been from someone from Miyamasuzaka, because the card was handed to me through Saki, but... It wouldn't make sense, because then how could they meet up with me here? Do you think it was Nene then?"
"I doubt it. She seems more like she hates you." Rui said flatly "And no, I didn't get one."
"Oh, I suppose it could just be a coincidence that you came up here." Is he also stupid or was he pretending?
"Well, I.." Rui paused abruptly, looking away. "I did have a reason to come here actually." He murmured, sort of hoping Tsukasa wouldn't hear him.
"Oh, you did? What was the reason then?" Tsukasa sounded genuinely curious, and that only made Rui more nervous. He forgot how good Tsukasa's hearing was.
"Well.." He shoved one hand into his pocket, searching for a random item to use as an stress toy, despite knowing he won't find anything. His pockets were almost always empty, because hsi parents made him throw out everything that was inside.
"Go on. I'm listening." Tsukasa smiled again. That warm, genuine smile that made butterflies appear in Rui's stomach. He wanted to remember that smile forever.
"I sent you the valentine."
"Wait, what?" Tsukasa stared at him, his expression somewhere between confusion and disbelief. "You— You're joking, right?"
"I'm not." He said quietly. He tried to smile, but it came out guilty and sad, almost. "I'm not joking, I... I love you, Tsukasa-kun."
The silence was deafening and torturous. Tsukasa looked like he blushed for a fraction of a second, but then his smile was nowhere to be seen, replaced by something closer to disappointment. Or maybe even disgust? Or was he just imagining it?
Finally Tsukasa coughed softly, dragging his gaze away from Rui's and seemingly collecting his thoughts before speaking.
"Maybe if you were a girl I'd consider it."
Something shattered deep inside Rui's heart. He nearly broke down completely right there, but somehow he managed to hold back his tears for just another second.
"I understand." He said softly. A single teardrop rolled down his cheek, but Rui's hands felt too heavy to wipe it off.
"I don't think we can be friends any longer." Tsukasa continued, turning away. "It would just be too awkward. I'm sorry."
Rui wanted to scream. He wanted to yell after Tsukasa, beg him to come back, for them to at least stay friends, but he couldn't. His body felt ten times heavier than it usually was, and he suddenly felt just how cold it was without a jacket.
Tsukasa left the rooftop, presumably to go and talk to Toya or argue with Akito or something. Rui couldn't hold back his tears anymore. He didn't know when he started crying, but his vision was blurry from tears, and his knees were numb from falling down onto the roof.
Rui rarely ever cried. A few times as a kid, maybe, and a few more times in middle school, but never in highschool.
He felt pathetic. The one person he cared for the most, the one he cherished and loved so deeply, turned away from him. What did he have now?
His parents? He wasn't going to risk ruining his relationship with his family just because of his sexuality.
Nene? How could he even go and talk to her or anyone else in Wonderlands×Showtime after this? What if they had the same opinion as Tsukasa?
Mizuki? Well, that was a better option, considering he knew she wouldn't hate him for it. After all, Mizuki was transgender, but Rui was still too hesitant.
Toya? Rui knew there was something between him and Akito, but it was still a risk.
What if Tsukasa told them all a different story?
Rui couldn't risk having his entire life ruined just like that.
Well, it already was ruined.
He couldn't live without Tsukasa, not when he was the only light in his world.
Tsukasa was his saviour. Everyone said Rui started smiling more ever since he joined W×S, and he could see the difference clearly, like night and day.
What would he do now?
Rui stood up slowly. His hands and legs were so cold it was unbearable. He wanted to go back into the school, but his face was most likely red and wet from tears. He probably looked pathetic.
He glanced at the fence that prevented anyone from falling off of the school building. Sometimes he wondered whether it was there from the start, or if they only put it there after someone died. Was it breakable? It didn't feel all too sturdy, and it was quite old, surely if you just ran straight into it it'd fall.
Rui wasn't about to test it though. His feet felt too frozen to run that fast.
He just wanted to go home.
That night Rui couldn't sleep. He barely ate anything, and that really wasn't helping him.
He wanted to cry, but there were no tears left in his eyes. He couldn't do this anymore.
He really couldn't.
Rui didn't go to school the next day, or the day after that. He claimed he wasn't feeling well, which really wasn't that much of a lie.
His head always hurt because of the excessive crying, and he was pretty sure he genuinely caught a cold because he forgot to wear a jacket on the rooftop.
All he did was lay in bed all day, hugging his pillow, staring at the ceiling, at his imperfect drawings of Tsukasa, then crying for a few minutes and the whole process over again. It was oddly exhausting. He kept getting missed calls from Nene and Mizuki, and even a few texts from Tsukasa that he was too scared to open. It was most definitely an apology, but he was too nervous.
Eventually though, Rui opened the messages. They didn't sound at all like Tsukasa, which was the most unsettling part of it all.
Tsukasa
[Did you do the project that we have for tomorrow?]
[I need it. You know I can't fail.]
Rui's heart ached while reading the messages. It felt as if someone stole Tsukasa's phone and was texting Rui from it, but he wasn't desperate enough to believe that. Plus, they really did have a project due tomorrow.
Too bad that Rui was too exhausted, both emotionally and physically to do it.
Rui
[No]
He hesitated. Tsukasa wasn't a friend to him anymore. He didn't need to apologise—
Rui
[Sorry.]
Pathetic.
Rui threw his phone to the other side of his bed carelessly, not bothering to check any other messages he got.
Tsukasa's were the only ones that mattered.
He heard another message go through, most likely from Tsukasa, but he was almost asleep, and he didn't want to ruin his progress.
It wasn't long until Rui's breathing slowed to a normal pace and he quietly fell asleep. He even wished, for a second, for it all to just be a stupid nightmare, which was probably the most desperate thought to ever cross his mind. Of course, it wasn't a nightmare, Rui didn't really manage to convince himself that it could've been one anyway.
He missed Tsukasa's company a lot. A bit... No, way too much, even. He was so used to seeing Tsukasa nearly every single day, and just a few days without him made Rui feel heartbroken. He wished he'd just stayed quiet. If only he decided to not tell him, maybe then his and Tsukasa's friendship would stay intact...
"I miss him.." Rui whined into his pillow. He wished they'd gotten together. If only Tsukasa didn't react in such a way...
If only.
He could still see Tsukasa's disappointed face in front of him. It made his heart ache, but at the same time it was almost comforting in some way. Probably because it was Tsukasa, out of all the people he knew.
He wanted to die.
Rui was never an emotional person growing up, but this whole situation made him feel worse than he wished it did.
Why was this affecting him so much?
..
Because it was Tsukasa, wasn't it?
...
Rui felt cold, despite sleeping under the warmest blanket he owned. His chest felt empty in the most painful way possible, the same way he felt for the past few days since he confessed.
Mizuki texted him about his absence a few times, and Nene texted him about him not appearing to W×S rehearsals, but he ignored them.
He couldn't see Tsukasa again. No matter how much he wanted to. Tsukasa probably despised him at this point, and Rui already dreaded every choice that led up to this.
They were supposed to perform in just over a week, on sunday, to be specific, but Rui already knew he wouldn't go.
The play couldn't be done without him, the director, and neither could their troupe come up with ideas without him.
They'd fall apart without him, and Rui'd fall apart without Tsukasa.
But why did his chest ache so badly whenever he thought of him?
This couldn't be normal, could it..?
He hadn't noticed before, but his breaths got shorter the past few days. He found himself getting tired doing activities he'd tirelessly done before.
It was probably just a cold. Rui wasn't anywhere close to the healthiest kid, staying home from school for as long as over two weeks once because of a virus, but...
This didn't feel like any disease he'd caught before.
He felt nauseous, but no matter what he did, he couldn't force himself to throw up. What was happening to him? He needed help. He needed help fast, and—
He collapsed to his knees, leaning onto his bed and coughing violently. He swore he felt something fall from his mouth, but his eyes were squeezed too tight to see.
Finally, he calmed down. He blinked away the tears that started to form in his eyes, gazing down at his bedsheets.
His blood ran cold.
Two purple petals. Not very light, but not too bright, about the same color as his hair was.
He heard about this disease at some point. His mother mentioned it a few times when he was a kid. Hanahaki, was it?
Unrequited love.
Huh. The very person who saved him was now going to be the cause of his death.
That was ironic.
He should've just ended it in middle school. Back before he even got to experience love. It didn't matter anyway, Tsukasa didn't love him.
He wouldn't have lived to adulthood either way, except then he'd die and his parents would probably blame it on 'teens being their overly emotion selves', and now he would die anyway, at the ripe age of seventeen, because there were flowers growing in his lungs.
He hated his life. He wished it'd end faster. There wasn't anything he could do about it anyway. The only way he could speed things up, would be ending himself, and he didn't have the strength to do that. At least, not today, and definitely not right now.
Even if he did, what could he do?
Tear a hole in the fence on the rooftop? He wouldn't dare step foot into that school ever again, knowing Tsukasa still studied there.
Hang himself? He could barely walk to his kitchen to eat breakfast, how was he supposed to walk to the store, and explain suddenly needing a rope and soap at the same time?
Though, he did have soap at home, and ropes...
The ones he had probably weren't strong enough to hold his weight anyway.
Either way he was a fool for even falling in love, and even then, for thinking Tsukasa would reciprocate his feelings.
The urge to cough came over him again, and this time he wasn't as shocked seeing even more petals pour from his mouth and throat.
They were pretty.
Some were a more yellowish color, while the rest stayed purple.
If it wasn't slowly killing him, maybe he wouldn't mind this disease.
——★
"Why isn't he responding?" Tsukasa paced back and forth on the stage, phone clutched tightly in his hands.
Emu and Nene were standing below, staring at him with probably something close to concern, but Tsukasa didn't care enough to check.
"I know we left on a bad note, a terrible one even, but he can't possibly think he can just ditch all three of us like that, does he?"
Maybe something was really wrong with him?
Or maybe he was just overreacting.
"He didn't answer any of my texts." Nene said quietly. "Neither did he read them, if were on that topic.",
"I only texted him today before our rehearsal, so maybe he didn't see my texts yet." Emu said, trying to keep everyone optimistic, despite clearly failing to do so.
"I'm such an idiot. I— I ruined everything." Tsukasa stopped pacing and sat down on the edge of the stage, leaving his phone screen down beside him and resting his head in his hands.
"What happened though?" Nene asked carefully. "Did he confess that he liked you?"
Tsukasa looked up at her, his eyes still wide with either shock or disbelief, he wasn't sure himself.
"You knew?"
"It was obvious, really." The green-haired girl shrugged. "He kept following you around like a dog on a leash. He wouldn't shut up about you, and he kept making every single play about you, of course he liked you, idiot!"
Nene's words made more sense than he hoped they did.
Every single thing that Tsukasa tried to convince himself was 'just a friendly act' when it really wasn't, all came crashing down, nearly crushing Tsukasa's already weak self in the process.
Realisation had dawned upon him faster than he'd wished it did.
Rui had loved him since forever, and Tsukasa was just a blind fool. As blind as one could be.
"N-no, but... Why..." He struggled to string his words together, his brain still processing the fact that Rui had feelings for him since who knows how long. "Why me? Why not you, or Emu, or— Why not Mizuki, for example?"
"You're asking me like I know the answer to every question in the universe." Nene rolled her eyes. "Now can you like apologise or something? We need our director back."
"I've texted him, but he didn't read it." Tsukasa muttered. "Do any of you have the script?"
Rehearsing was the last thing he, or matter-of-fact any of them wanted to do, but at least they'd be able to get their mind off of the truth.
"No, Rui usually keeps them to himself." Nene said.
Emu looked like she was losing hope. Even earlier, she didn't have her usual bright smile, and instead just a barely convincing one, which was more meant to cheer up the other troupe members other than herself.
Tsukasa buried his face in his hands. All this was too much for him to handle. He regretted it. He regretted saying something so harsh to Rui, even if it was the truth. He regretted even going up to the rooftop in the first place, or ever even acknowledging the valentine.
The valentine.
Tsukasa dug the small heart-shaped piece of paper from his pocket.
Thank god he decided against crumpling it.
He wanted to cherish it while he could, but it would be weird.
They were both boys. This was wrong. This was so wrong—
What would his parents think? They'd kill him for even thinking about liking a boy in such a way!... But still..
He hated himself.
——★
Rui spent the last ten or so minutes throwing up seemingly never-ending blood-covered flowers and petals into the toilet. He couldn't let his parents find out.
They'd start questioning him about who he fell in love with, and if they found out it was a boy—
Rui didn't know what to expect. He was too scared to expect anything, after how Tsukasa acted with him.
"If you was a girl I'd consider it."
As if Rui had control over his gender. If he could change himself, he would, just for Tsukasa, but—
Another bunch of flowers fell from his mouth. His throat burned, but the petals didn't stop coming.
This was torture.
His heart, already aching just because of Tsukasa's reaction back on that day, hurt even more because of how little he could breathe. He lost his appetite too. He was already a picky eater, and now he could barely shove any food down his throat without having to run to the bathroom and throw up more purple-colored flowers.
Sometimes the leaves came with them too, which only made the whole process hurt more.
He heard a knock on the bathroom door, which he locked just in case, and even through the ringing in his ears he made out his mother's voice.
"You've been in there for almost forty minutes now. Are you alright?"
Did it sound like he was alright?!
He forced himself to swallow down the next wave of nausea just so he could manage a few words "I'm fine, mom."
That was the most blatant lie he ever told. His mom seemed to believe it though, considering it sounded like she left.
Finally after another twenty or so minutes, he stopped coughing.
He couldn't look at the flowers anymore. Even if they weren't covered in his own blood, he still couldn't look at them the same way.
Not after a dozen of them tore up his throat on the way out.
Rui stumbled back to his room, completely exhausted. He fell onto his bed, not bothering to check his phone, which was placed into his drawer after one of the vocaloids from SEKAI tried to check up on him.
He couldn't take this.
He needed help, but he didn't know who to talk to.
This was unbearable.
——★
His head hurt, despite the fact that he got enough sleep today.
He was going to miss school again. His mom tried to ask why, but he managed to convince her with just a 'I'm not feeling too well', which was even more believable with how long he spent throwing up yesterday.
Suddenly, a thought dashed through his head.
An extremely irrational thought, at that.
Rui gazed at the clock.
5:03 AM
Nobody was awake yet.
Rui forced himself up, despite his body's aching protest, getting on whatever slightly clean clothes he had left.
For a moment, his stare fell onto Tsukasa's hoodie, but he didn't want to waste something so precious to him.
Though...
Fuck it.
Rui threw on the hoodie and slowly walked, or rather stumbled out of the house.
The chilly winter air hit his face. It was far too cold outside for how he was dressed, but he didn't care. He crossed the empty road slowly, not bothering to walk over to the crosswalk.
The place he was headed wasn't too far from here, was it?
And he was right.
It wasn't far at all, but he still left a trail of blood and purple flowers behind him.
Not his fault he couldn't stop himself from coughing them up.
Rui climbed over the too-short railing of the bridge he knew so well. The fall down was long, though he doubted it'd hurt much.
In the end, he'd be numb anyway.
There was no way the river could've completely froze over, maybe just a thin layer of ice, which even then, the sharp shards would only speed up his death.
Rui held on to the railing for now, looking down at the water.
He could still remember Tsukasa's voice, and his hair, and his bright, beautiful smile...
He was beautiful.
Rui coughed again.
Two large flowers together with a few abnormally big drops of blood fell down onto the water.
He felt another wave of nausea hit him, just like when yesterday he spent a whole hour throwing up.
He couldn't do it again.
He'd probably die of blood loss if he tried anyway.
There was no possible outcome in which he'd survive.
Either way, he'd either succumb to the disease, or die at his own hands.
He just wanted this to end.
He was freezing.
Rui shivered, and his hand slipped off of the railing.
For a moment, he felt a surge of fear, before something almost close to relief hit him.
This was finally going to be over.
He felt cold. Really cold. Hitting the water (or... Ice? He wasn't sure..) hurt too much, but the freezing sensation was worse.
Rui wasn't a bad swimmer, but even if he wanted to save himself, his limbs felt too heavy to move.
Black spots appeared in his vision. He could feel the icy cold water soak through his clothes, soak through Tsukasa's hoodie...
He really did only wear it with the hope that he'd be buried wearing it.
If they even manage to retrieve his body, that is.
Maybe now Tsukasa would be happier when he's gone?
He wouldn't have anyone to worry about, he wouldn't have anyone following him around as if Rui depended on him, which technically he did, but there was no way for Tsukasa to know that.
The water filled his mouth, his body too weak and too numb to keep it closed. A few petals fluttered out.
They were yellow, like Tsukasa's hair.
He'd never live to see Tsukasa again.
He'd be free.
And his soul would be free too.
But would they really be happy like this..?
..
In any way, it was too late to turn back.
Far too late.
——★
Tsukasa paced nervously in front of Rui's house. He'd heard someone mention police cars near this location hours ago, but he was in school.
All he could do, both then and now, was hope that Rui was okay.
He rang the doorbell again.
Finally someone answered.
..
Rui's mother.
She looked devastated.
Tsukasa's heart dropped. There was no way this could mean anything remotely good.
"Are you here for—" she started shakily, but Tsukasa cut her off.
"I'm here for Rui. He hasn't been at school, and he hasn't been responding to my texts ever since—" ever since he confessed to me, Tsukasa finished the sentence in his mind, but shook his head. "Where is he? Me and the rest of his friends are extremely worried—"
"He— he commited suicide this morning. Jumped off of the bridge that's on the way to your school, I'm pretty sure." His mother said, her voice shaking with guilt. Tsukasa felt an overwhelming wave of sadness and guilt crash into him. "If this makes you feel any better, he probably would've died anyway. I think he had the hanahaki disease, because I found these in his bedroom."
She reached out her hand to show Tsukasa a few bloodied purple flowers. The sight only served to make him feel worse, but he couldn't tear his gaze away...
"The police said they found more blood and a few more flowers floating around his body. I'm just... Disappointed that I couldn't prevent it from happening."
..
Rui was dead.
Because of him.
Tsukasa felt like throwing up. He wished he knew about this earlier so he could avert it, so he could apologise and maybe then Rui'd still be alive, but—
It was far too late for that.
"The funeral is next week." His mother said quietly. "You and the rest of your group can come, but I'll understand if you decide not to. If only I knew who it was that he loved so badly..."
Tsukasa couldn't help but feel guilty for this. For all of this. It was his fault that Rui wouldn't live until his eighteenth birthday, his fault that someone he used to consider his best friend died at his own hands, but even if Rui hadn't been the cause of his own death, he'd die anyway.
Slower, and more painful, but still, he'd die.
There was no cure to hanahaki.
Well, there was, but considering Rui chose to not tell a single soul about it, there wasn't anything any of them could do.
Tsukasa nodded with an empty stare and a shocked expression on his face. He waved his friend's mom a goodbye and let his legs automatically carry him back to his house.
He felt terrible.
He wanted to claw his heart out of his ribcage because his was beating, and Rui's wasn't.
He wanted to tear his lungs apart because his weren't a problem, unlike Rui's.
He wanted to die.
Maybe then he could see Rui again.
Tsukasa fell onto his bed, staring at the ceiling with his eyes still wide and shocked from the information he received earlier.
The only thing he currently wished for, except for death and for Rui to be alive, was to be alone, but that concept quickly shattered.
"Tsukasa, is everything okay? You haven't said a single word since you came home." Saki's voice was filled to the brim with worry.
If only he would've thought about being this worried about Rui.
"He's dead."
"Huh...?"
"Rui's dead. His mother said he had hanahaki, but committed suicide before the disease could kill him."
"Wait, hanahaki? Isn't that when you like... Someone doesn't love you back?"
Tsukasa tried to nod, but his head felt too heavy to move. Saki seemed to understand that she was right anyway.
"Oh." She said grimly. "I'll— I can leave you alone, if that's what you need."
He didn't answer. Saki still left the room though, which was honestly a stupid decision.
Tsukasa grabbed his phone, opening his practically empty, until a few days ago chat.
Tsukasa
[Can I ask you a favour?]
Nene responded surprisingly quickly, for how rather unfriendly their relationship has been.
Nene
[What is it]
Tsukasa
[Rui's dead]
Nene started typing, presumably something about how that wasn't a favour, but Tsukasa beat her to it
Tsukasa
[Do you think you could tell his mom to bury me next to him if I died?]
[I feel like that's something he'd want]
Nene didn't type anything for a good few minutes, her brain probably connecting the dots before suddenly typing out with an almost seemingly frantic manner.
Nene
[Tsukasa, don't you fucking dare]
[We just lost our director, we can't lose you too.]
And then another message.
Nene
[Tell me you're not going to do what I think you're going to do, or I'm calling the police and an ambulance to your house.]
Tsukasa turned his phone off.
He wouldn't bother responding, he didn't want to give Nene false hope.
His heart ached for Rui.
..
Maybe he really did love him. Either he didn't realise it, or he was too scared to admit it. His parents probably wouldn't approve of them anyway.
Not like Tsukasa approved of himself either.
Tsukasa stood up and walked over to his door, making sure it was locked.
His gaze fell to his desk, where there was a sharp pair of scissors next to some other things.
Saki was stupid for leaving him alone.
He grabbed the scissors, but hesitated.
Was he really willing to project even more guilt onto his friends?
Toya would be devastated if he found out both of his friends died to suicide on the same day.
Wonderlands×Showtime would no longer exist. Not without a leader and a director.
Nene would probably join them in death too. She was never a very emotionally strong person, or so Tsukasa thought, at least.
Saki wouldn't be able to handle the news. She was already sick anyway, her brother's death wouldn't be a good influence on her mental state.
Whatever.
It didn't matter.
He swore he heard sirens in the distance. So Nene wasn't lying after all.
He didn't have much time if he wanted to proceed with this.
He grabbed the scissors in probably the least safe way possible. He thought for just a second.
Where would it end him faster?
..
Tsukasa stabbed himself in the throat with the utensil, watching thick sticky blood gush out of the wound.
The pain was overwhelming in the worst possible way. It spread from his throat to the rest of his body in torturing, pulsating waves, nearly knocking him over.
How was he not dead yet?
He pulled the scissors out, watching blood stain the carpet.
He felt like throwing up.
He collapsed to his knees, coughing up more and more blood, more than he'd ever seen in his short life.
His vision was fading in and out, but somehow he wasn't dead yet.
He forced himself to stab at his throat again and again, only stopping when it hurt too much to handle.
There was so much blood.
It made Tsukasa feel even more nauseous, and he felt scared for just a moment.
But it was okay.
He wouldn't feel like that ever again.
He'd see Rui in heaven, if heaven even existed.
God, it hurt so much.
The pain was blinding. Tsukasa tried to breathe or swallow, but every attempt just ended with him coughing up more blood.
He heard someone knock on his door, but it sounded far away, like he wasn't in his own body. The sirens were too loud to be far now.
They were too late.
..
Tsukasa collapsed to the floor with a loud thud, the scissors landing somewhere beside him.
More blood stained his clothes and the already soaked carpet. He knew it, he just couldn't see it.
Is this what death felt like?
It hurt. It hurt really bad. But at the same time it was...
Calming?
Relieving?
Something along those lines.
He distantly heard his door finally open, his mom probably unlocked it from the outside, and there was a.. scream?
Something like that.
Tsukasa wasn't alive anymore.
He couldn't tell.
He couldn't hear it, anyway.
He just assumed that's what happened.
He'd finally be able to apologise to Rui.