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Eddie is bored.
It’s Friday night, and the 118 is off all weekend. Chris is away with a school trip until Sunday night, and Eddie never really has plans anymore. Sometimes he’ll hang out with Hen and Karen, or he and Buck and Ravi will do something, but nothing tonight. As far as he knows Buck is just planning to stay in and catch up on some television show he’s been wanting to check out.
Eddie flips through the channels a couple of times and drops the remote control on the couch before pushing up out of his seat. He has a key to Buck’s place that Buck gave him a couple of weeks ago. Whenever you want to come, he’d said. Eddie hadn’t taken him up on the offer yet.
Truth be told, things had been awkward between them for a while, but they’ve finally gotten better. Everything after Bobby’s death has settled and it’s less hard in general. There’s still a tension Eddie can’t quite put his finger on, but they hang out more. They talk. He feels like they’re getting back to the easy connection they’ve always had.
They’re best friends again.
So Eddie shrugs into his jacket and heads to Buck’s house. He’s allowed, right? Buck had told him, no need to call first. Buck has turned up at the Diaz home unannounced more times than Eddie can count. He’s always welcome. Eddie hopes it’s the same for Buck’s new place.
He drives over with the radio playing quietly, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He doesn’t know why he’s nervous. It’s Buck. The awkwardness between them is gone. Buck is his best friend, his person. There’s no reason to feel anxious about this.
He parks in the driveway and hops out. Eddie stands outside of the door for a long moment before shaking his head at himself and chuckling under his breath. He’s being ridiculous. He knows he’s being ridiculous. He slides his key into the door easily and lets himself in.
There’s a soft sound coming from the living room, talking, or maybe the tv. It’s not Buck’s voice. The talking turns into something else, and Eddie forces himself to walk further into the house.
“Hey, Buck, I - “
Buck jumps out of his seat and fumbles with the remote to pause the television.
“Jesus Christ, Eddie. You scared the shit out of me.” Buck shakes his head. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh,” Eddie says. Maybe he was wrong about being welcome. “I was bored. I just thought I’d come see what you were doing. I guess I could have called first, but you said it’s fine to just - “
“No, no, of course it’s fine. It’s totally fine. What’s mine is yours’, right?” Buck says, a little too easily.
Eddie glances at the paused television and suddenly realizes why Buck was so scared when he came in. Naked men. There are naked men on the screen.
“Right,” Eddie says.
“Uh.” Buck clears his throat. “It’s not, uh, it’s not what it looks like?” He glances up at that tv. “It’s a tv show, not - it’s not porn or anything. I swear I wasn’t just watching porn, fully clothed, in my living room, on a Friday night at 8pm.”
“Right,” Eddie says again, like he forgot other words. Because it’s fine if Buck was doing that. It’s Buck’s house and if he wants to casually watch porn on a Friday night, he’s allowed to do that. Eddie’s the one who just barged into his house. “Sorry, I’ll uh - “
“No, I’m serious, Eddie. Don’t be weird. It’s just a tv show.”
“Right.” He frowns. “I’m not being weird.”
“You’re being a little weird, man.” Buck sighs. “It’s just a tv show, and you just happened to walk in when, well.” Buck gestures at the tv with both of his hands. “Are you going to sit down, or just stand there looking everywhere but at the tv?”
“I’m not - “ Eddie stops talking and sits down next to Buck. He’s not being weird. It’s just a weird situation, and Eddie commits to dying on that hill, even if he doesn’t say that out loud. “What’s the show?”
“You are not interested, man. It’s just a tv show people are talking about online. I thought I’d check it out. You know, see if it was as good as all the hype.”
Eddie glances at the screen where it’s definitely paused on two men, definitely in the middle of going at it. And look, Eddie is fine. He’s not weird about sex. He likes sex, and he thinks porn can be healthy as an outlet. It’s just Buck. It’s walking into Buck’s house unannounced with a sex scene on the television, when things are just starting to feel normal between them again. It’s a lot.
“What, you think I’m not interested in a tv show?”
“Come on, Eddie?” Buck laughs, rubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s like, queer, you know? It’s about - well.”
“Men having sex with each other?” He raises an eyebrow. This is fine, and it’s only weird if they make it weird. Eddie is tired of things being weird with Buck. “Tell me what it’s about.”
“Well, it’s about these two hockey players who get drafted the same year. They’re supposed to be rivals, and well.” He waves his hand at the screen.
“Okay, well, I’m here now, and you were watching it. So let’s watch it.” Eddie nods. He can watch a show about gay people with his bisexual best friend and it doesn’t mean anything. They watch tv together all the time. They used to secretly watch the Bachelor together before that became Buck’s thing with May and Harry. Or maybe before Eddie moved to Texas, is probably the more accurate explanation. They haven’t had a show together for a while, actually.
“Well there’s only been a couple of episodes. I’m not sure if I’ll even like it. You don’t have to, like, come on Eddie.”
“What? You think I can’t enjoy a show because it’s two men?”
“N-no, of course not.” Buck wipes his hands over his thighs. “Okay, well, I’m not that far in, so I’ll just start it over. You need to know how we got here, right?”
“Right.” Eddie nods. “Come on, Buck. Let’s watch.”
Buck nods and starts it back up.
They get to the end of the first episode, and Eddie is feeling more relaxed and at home. It’s a good show, and they have friendly commentary about what’s happening. By the time they get to their little break between episodes, Eddie makes himself at home and goes into Buck’s kitchen to get beers. Buck follows him and starts up a bag of microwave popcorn before they both go settle back in for the next episode.
By the end, Eddie is properly into the show. He really likes the characters and he’s invested in the story, and he can tell Buck is too. Maybe in a different way than Eddie is, but it feels like something that they can talk about again, that isn’t big and complicated. Something they both enjoy.
“So, when is the next episode? Do not watch it without me.”
Buck laughs. “Fridays, I think. I think it’s on Fridays.” He smiles. “You really wanna watch with me? Because you don’t have to.”
“It’s a good show! So, yes, I want to watch with you. Although, we have a shift next friday. I don’t know if our new captain would appreciate having this on at the station.”
“Please, Chim would love it, but you’re right. Maybe, uh.” Buck shrugs. “Maybe you can come here after work on Saturday? We can take a nap and then watch. Unless, I mean, unless Chris is home, I guess, then we can figure out another time.”
“Chris is never home on weekends anymore. I don’t want to talk about it.” Eddie doesn’t want to talk about it, really. He’s glad Chris is home, but he’s also a teenager in high school. He’s a social butterfly, and Eddie gets it. He was pretty popular in school too in the way that he was always going to parties and participating in school activities, but still. That’s his little boy who is definitely not his little boy anymore.
“I won’t ask.” Buck chuckles.
“Anyway, let’s do that. I’ll come over after work. We’ll watch. Don’t watch it without me!”
“I promise!”
“Don’t find someone else to watch it with. I know you’ve replaced me with the Bachelor.”
“Hey, not fair. That’s May and Harry. I bet they’d be okay if you came.”
“Nah, that’s a Grant-Nash sibling thing. I get it.” Eddie rests a hand on Buck’s shoulder. Buck ducks his head, just enough Eddie has to shift his own to try to make eye contact. Buck finally looks up at him.
“Yeah, I guess so.” He scratches his cheek. “Are you gonna stay? I actually, uh, have a guest room?”
“That actually sounds great, Buck. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow. Distract me from the fact that Christopher is too cool to hang out with his dad on the weekends now.”
“Anytime.” Buck clears his throat. “I meant it, you know. You always welcomed me into your home, so you’re always welcome here. What are best friends for, you know?” Buck stands. “Another beer? You should pick a movie for us to watch.”
Eddie nods and goes through the options. Tonight has been alright. He’s already looking forward to next week.
+
Saturday morning they collapse into bed (Buck in his own, Eddie in the guest bed, of course), for a few hours of sleep after a long and somewhat boring shift. Sometimes the boring and uneventful ones can be worse than the grueling and traumatic ones.
Once they wake up and get settled on the couch with some lunch and chat for a little bit, they’re ready to start up the next episode.
On screen Scott Hunter is flirting with a guy at a smoothie shop and Buck pumps his fist in the air and says, “I knew it!”
“What? You knew what?” Eddie looks from the screen to Buck, back to the screen.
“Come on, man. It’s so obvious Scott is into guys, you know? He clocked Ilya and Shane so fast,” Buck says, like it’s obvious. Maybe it is obvious, if you’re into guys, but Eddie isn’t. Eddie doesn’t notice that kind of thing. He’s not even sure he notices things like that in straight couples.
“Do you - do you think people can really notice that in real life?”
“Notice what? If someone is queer?”
“Yeah, like, is the whole - ” Eddie flails his hand around. “Like the whole gaydar thing. Is it real?” Eddie wonders if he’s even allowed to say that.
“I don’t know,” Buck says. He laughs a little. “I don’t know if it’s real in real life. I’ve never met someone and just, like, known. But then again, if you’d asked me two years ago if I was straight I would have said yes, so maybe I’m the wrong guy to ask.”
“Yeah,” Eddie says. He turns back to the tv and tries not to think about it. It’s not like it matters, really. “It must be hard,” he says.
Scott is talking to Kip, telling him how he’s never let himself want because of who he is and what he does, and something about it sends a little shiver up Eddie’s spine. He gets it, the need to perform, to be what everyone expects of you. Maybe it’s not quite the same, but he gets it, nevertheless.
“Yeah.” Buck nods. “I can’t imagine being in that position. When I - when me and Tommy got together, it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t really - like even though we’re in this kind of masculine career, I know all of you. I was a little, like, I was worried it would change things between us, just a little, but I wasn’t - I always knew you guys would still accept me at the end of the day. I don’t think I ever worried my family would leave me. I think of all the things about me, the thing I thought would push you all away the least was me wanting to date men.”
“Of course not, Buck. And I told you then, it was never going to change anything about us. Of course it didn’t change anything.”
Buck nods, slightly.
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I know it doesn’t,” he says. There’s something there Eddie can’t quite touch. He feels like Buck is holding back. It’s been like this for a while, but Eddie doesn’t want to push. Buck will come to him when he’s ready. He hopes, anyway.
“I wonder if his dad will ever find out about him sleeping with Scott Hunter,” Eddie says. “I bet he’d be thrilled.”
“He’d probably tell Scott that if his kid gets hurt, he’s not afraid to fight him.” Buck grins. “I think he’d scare the guy too. Don’t fuck with a dad who loves his kid, right?” He has a twinkle in his eye.
Eddie ignores the zap to his spine. It’s new and it’s not unpleasant and he is absolutely not thinking about it. He’s watching a tv show with his best friend. They’re having banter; that’s all. Why would it be anything else?
On screen, Kip is leaving and then Scott is still wearing the socks, and Eddie feels something break open in his chest that he just wants to push back down. He’s just over-relating to a fictional character, that’s all. Repression and fear of letting people down, it comes in many forms.
+
They don’t get a chance to watch the next episode because they work all weekend, and honestly, Eddie is kind of glad for it. He doesn’t want to think about any of the things the last episode made him feel. He’s not ready to analyze it any more, and he’s also kind of not ready to sit on the sofa with Buck and watch Ilya and Shane dance around their feelings.
Something about it makes his stomach churn.
But that means that they have two to watch together on Friday night when Eddie comes over to Buck’s. Christopher is having a sleepover with some friends, but he says they can’t call it a sleepover anymore because that’s not cool. They’re playing video games and then crashing because it’s going to be late.
They’re settled on the couch, fourth episode playing while they eat take out and Eddie tries not to think about the way the last episode of this show made him feel. He’d just avoid watching it all together, but he’s already invested.
“Ugh, this is stupid. Why don’t they just admit they love each other?” Buck says, breaking Eddie out of his own thoughts.
He hadn’t even noticed that he’d zoned out, missing part of the episode. Suddenly, Shane is standing in Ilya’s house, getting dressed, saying he can’t do this anymore. Eddie missed something important, but if he tells Buck he’ll have to explain that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Scott Hunter and how he’s starting to think about his entire life in a different way than he ever has before.
Part of it is because that would be admitting that he’s 34 years old, and the first thing that’s ever made him question his sexuality is a television show about gay hockey players. It just feels ridiculous; he could never admit out loud that he thinks he’s been hiding a huge part of himself out of an obligation to people who have never been obligated to him, not only from everyone else but from himself too.
“I get it, you know?” Eddie’s voice comes out a little shaky. “Sometimes it’s hard to just - to talk about things. It’s difficult, especially with really intense feelings.”
“Yeah, but Eddie! They’ve been doing this for like seven years! How can they ignore their feelings like that?” Buck frowns. “It’s not like it’s unrequited. Shane clearly loves Ilya. Ilya loves him back.”
“They don’t know that though, do they?” Eddie worries at his lip. “Like, imagine you’re in love with someone and you know in your soul that they won’t ever feel the same way. You’re wrong, of course, but you don’t know that. It’s just the fear that stops you.”
“God damn, Diaz. Who broke your heart?” Buck laughs. There’s not a lot of force behind it. There’s almost nothing behind it.
“I guess I just understand feeling like you have to act a certain way, you know? It’s not the same, but it’s like in the last episode with Scott. Having this obligation to be - you know. To be that guy. I get that.”
It’s as close to the truth as Eddie can get out loud. He can’t tell Buck he’s spent the last two weeks wondering if he’s as straight as he’s always thought he was. They’re watching a tv show, for Christ’s sake.
“He left, is all. I don’t understand not clinging to the thing you love. But, you know me. I’m a clinger.” Buck smiles a little. “Remember how I acted when you were leaving, and you were just going to Texas. You weren’t leaving me. I mean, not that - not that it’s like, the same.”
Isn’t it? Eddie almost says it out loud because the more he thinks about it the more it is the same. Leaving Buck felt like making the impossible choice between his son and the person he loved the most in the world. Leaving Buck felt like leaving behind the only person who really knew and understood him and still loved him even when he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. Buck had been there when he took a baseball bat to his bedroom and destroyed everything he owned. He’d been there when Eddie cheated on his girlfriend and lost his son because of a woman who looked like his dead wife. Buck had never wavered on Eddie, not once.
Not until Bobby died and things between them got hard.
“Eddie?” Buck asks carefully. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he says. “Let’s just watch the rest of the show, okay?”
“Okay.”
On screen Shane starts dating a woman. She’s pretty; she’s everything Shane should want. Eddie is so fucking tired of relating to these fictional hockey players. He’s already too invested in this show. This isn’t helping.
“Ugh, idiots, both of them.” Buck says, dropping his head to Eddie’s shoulder. It’s familiar and it’s comfortable, and Eddie wants Buck to stay there.
He kind of wants Buck to stay there forever.
They keep watching the show, and a song Eddie remembers from a long time ago, plays over a club scene. Shane and Ilya are staring each other down while they both dance with the wrong person. Eddie thinks about Ana and Taylor and Natalia and Marisol and Tommy. Thinks about the string of wrong people they’ve been through while they’ve been a steady presence in each other’s lives.
Buck’s head is still on his shoulder.
The next episode starts.
“This is painful,” Buck says. He turns his face into Eddie’s shoulder.
Eddie lays his arm around Buck’s shoulders and runs his hand over Buck’s arm. He can feel Buck’s bicep.
It’s not like he’s never known that objectively Buck is an attractive guy. He knows. Buck gets hit on enough that Eddie knows that people want him. But now he’s opened up the box marked Do Not Look Here in his heart, he can’t put these feelings back in.
On screen Rose is breaking up with Shane; she’s asking him if he’s gay - Eddie can feel himself tense up. He can’t imagine being read so easily, wonders if anyone he’s been with has ever been able to tell even when he didn’t know.
It’s not even like he’s ashamed. He isn’t ashamed. He’s over that part of his life, but he is embarrassed and nervous and worried that he might be in love with someone who doesn’t love him back.
Buck’s been out for ages. Surely if he was into Eddie, he’d have said something by now, right? Maybe Buck is into men but he’s not into Eddie. Maybe Eddie isn’t into men, but he is into Buck. And wouldn’t that be something.
But, no, Eddie doesn’t think it’s that. He thinks about his life in terms of obligation and desire to be the things people want and need from him. He knows now what he’s been trying to ignore for nearly 35 years, and it makes him feel foolish and silly. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.
There’s nothing wrong with him.
So why does he feel like he needs to hide it?
“Eddie?” Buck shifts a little. “Are you okay?”
Eddie nods, swallowing down anything he might say. He wants to get through this show. He doesn’t want to talk, not yet. He pulls Buck back against him and squeezes his arm. He can’t talk about this right now. It’s too important. It’s too heavy.
On screen Ilya is in Russia. On screen Ilya is laying out everything he’s felt for years - all of the fear of letting people down, the need to be the one to help his family survive, the way he’s always been the one to provide, the fear of losing them but never wanting to go back home at the same time. Eddie relates in too many ways to count.
“Fuck.” Eddie breathes the word out when Ilya tells Shane that he loves him in Russian, in the one way Shane won’t know.
“Eddie?” Buck sits up and turns to face him. He rests his hand on Eddie’s check. “Eddie, you’re crying. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“It’s just - “ He wipes his own face. “It’s just a lot. That’s all. The way they - you know.”
“Yeah.” Buck nods. He brushes his thumb over Eddie’s cheek and then snatches his hand back too fast for Eddie to lean into the touch the way he so desperately wants to. “Yeah, I get it.” He turns back to the tv. “Let’s - let’s finish watching, okay?”
They go back to the show.
By the end of the show, Buck and Eddie are back on separate ends of the couch, and Eddie hates it. He hates it so much. He wants to pull Buck close and wrap his arms around him and hold Buck against him forever. He can’t believe it took a television show to realize how much of his life revolves around Evan Buckley and has for such a long time.
They’ve been partners for as long as Eddie can remember, and he hadn’t let himself see it.
On the television Scott Hunter wins the cup. He wins the cup and pulls Kip onto the ice and kisses him while Shane and Ilya watch from their separate homes. Ilya is going to the cottage.
The show ends.
Buck and Eddie sit for a moment. He sees Buck open his mouth to say something but Eddie can’t hold it in anymore -
“I love you.”
“What?” Buck speaks in barely a whisper.
“I love you.” Eddie turns to face Buck. His eyes are wide, and he’s terrified he’s about to ruin the best relationship of any kind that he’s ever had. “I’m in love with you.”
“E-Eddie? Come on, man. You don’t - you don’t. You can’t.”
“I do. Buck.” Eddie reaches out for him. “I’m so mad at myself that it took us watching a stupid tv show for me to realize that I can’t live without you.” He sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. “I can’t keep pretending that I can go another day without knowing what it feels like to kiss you, Buck.”
“What?” Buck moves so quickly. He’s on his knees on the couch, towering over Eddie. “Eddie, what?”
“Buck, I - “
“You cried.” He rests his hand on Eddie’s cheek. “Earlier, you cried.”
“I don’t - I can’t - it’s so stupid, Buck. Don’t make me feel stupider. I just need to.”
Suddenly Buck’s forehead is pressed against Eddie’s. They’re breathing in the same air. Buck’s looking into his eyes, searching and it’s too much. Eddie has to close his eyes. “Please.”
“Shh,” Buck whispers. “Shh.” He closes the distance between them, kissing Eddie. Eddie wants to say it’s not world changing, but it is. Suddenly so many things click into place and he feels right in some indescribable way. Kissing Buck makes him feel whole. He wraps his arms around Buck and pulls him closer.
He presses a hand to the back of Buck’s neck, grips it tight so Buck can’t move. He never wants Buck to move.
“Eddie,” Buck whispers against Eddie’s lips. “Eddie, are you sure? Are you - you have to be sure.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been sure of anything like I’m sure of you.”
“Fuck.” Suddenly Buck is laughing. “Fuck, Eddie. I get to have this.” He presses another kiss to Eddie’s lips. “I get to have you.”
“You get to have me.”
“I’m so glad you randomly dropped in while I was watching this show.” Buck grins. “Just think if you hadn’t thought I was watching gay porn in my living room.”
“I didn’t think you were watching gay porn!!!”
“Yeah you did.” Buck kisses him; it’s one of the best kisses of Eddie’s life. “I love you too, in case you didn’t figure it out.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.”
“You did, though. We did; we got here together.” Buck settles into his lap, hugging around him. “We should write a letter to the show’s producers. Thanks for making us take our heads out of our asses and finally get together. We owe you..”
“Maybe not.” Eddie laughs. “It was the third one, you know. I was watching Scott and suddenly I realized I’d been hiding this thing from myself out of some imaginary obligation.” He sighs. “Fuck, I feel like an idiot. I’m nearly 35 years old, Buck.”
“Hey, it’s different for everyone. You got here.”
“I have to tell Chris, you know. And I know he’ll be great, but after everything, what if it’s just one more lie he thinks I’ve told him.”
“Hey, no. That kid is great. He’ll get it.”
Eddie nods.
“Hey, do I have to sleep in the guest room tonight?”
“Diaz, you are never sleeping in the guest room again.” Buck laughs. “Never again.”
Eddie still feels a little dumb, but he reckons if he gets to feel this happy in exchange, he’ll take it any day of the week.