Work Text:
December 02
Beomgyu didn't know he had been an ‘angel tree’ kid until he was eighteen years old - the first year he didn't receive anything from his mother, because he had aged out of the program.
His brother was the one that told him. They sat on the roof of the house and shared a cigarette they'd snuck from their mother's purse, ignoring the December cold that somehow still managed to seep through the thick jackets they wore.
“You seriously thought Mom got you all that stuff? Every year?”
Beomsook laughed at him.
“Well, yeah?” Beomgyu didn't think it was that crazy of him to believe the presents their mother gave to him came directly from her. She had never said otherwise, so why would he have reason to think she didn't get them herself? Sure, money was tight sometimes, especially around the holidays, but Beomgyu didn't think it was that bad.
Beomsook took a long drag of the cigarette, polluting the crisp winter air with the cloud of smoke he exhaled afterwards.
“It's not about the money, Gyu, she just doesn't give a shit. She isn't even the one that put us on the tree - Aunt Kyunghae is.”
“Really?”
“Mm.”
“Mom does love us though, hyung.”
Beomgyu told himself his intention was to reassure Beomsook, but truthfully, he needed convincing just as much as his brother did.
Now, Beomgyu stands in the lobby of a hospital, staring up at the massive Christmas tree they've set up right in the middle of the space. It's got to be at least ten feet tall, and it is wonderfully tacky. A precariously placed golden star plopped on top with bright, colorful strings of lights spiraling down. Beomgyu appreciates the hospital for not falling into the current trend of turning Christmas sad and beige.
In place of ornaments, there's strips of angel shaped paper tightly tied to the branches. Dozens and dozens of names of children, their ages, shoe sizes, whatever toys and gifts they'd like. Beomgyu smiles as his fingers brush over one of them - Mina, aged 5, who only has ‘a cute little kitty cat’ listed. That's going to be a hard one to fulfill.
As Beomgyu looks through the names, he wonders. He wonders if they know they're angel tree kids, if their parents are the ones who cared enough to enroll them in the program, or if it was another adult that took pity on them. Beomgyu had never gotten around to thanking Aunt Kyunghae before she died three years ago.
Beomgyu makes his way over to the security desk, where the guard silently hands over a visitor's pass. He's been here so many times that words are no longer needed.
He nods his thanks and heads upstairs to Room 304.
When Beomgyu enters the unit and approaches the nurses’ desk, he's met with a smile from Sunghee - his favorite secretary, because not only does she always answer the call light, but she makes sure to actually relay what's being requested to the nurse aide. Really, it's the bare minimum, but Beomgyu still appreciates it. He knows the nighttime secretary in particular can be a pain.
“I think he's been asleep just about all day,” Sunghee tells him. “He called for iced water this morning and that's all I've heard from him.”
“Thanks, noona.”
Beomgyu makes his way down the hall to the fourth door on the right, and takes a deep breath before entering.
Kai is curled up in bed, fast asleep just as Sunghee had said, softly snoring away as he hugs the teddy bear Beomgyu bought for him from the gift shop. He's under a small mountain of blankets despite the thermostat on the wall by the door reading 23°c. His lunch tray sits on his rolling table, completely untouched and probably ice cold. It's nearly time for dinner to come around now.
Though he tries not to, Beomgyu worries, his lip between his teeth as he shrugs his coat off. The vase of yellow roses Soobin brought last week are beginning to wilt. He mentally notes down to replace them. Maybe with something more festive, like poinsettias.
He sits down in the bedside chair, scooting it as close as possible to Kai's side. The railing is down, so Beomgyu can easily reach over and brush a few stray strands of hair out of Kai's face.
“Hey,” Beomgyu whispers. “Kai-yah, I'm here.”
Kai stirs, humming quietly, but he doesn't completely wake. He settles farther into the blankets and goes right back to snoring.
As much as Beomgyu wants Kai to wake up, he decides to let him continue resting for now. At least until dinner comes around - then he'll try to get Kai up to eat something.
There isn't much to do. With one hand slid into Kai's, Beomgyu flips through TV channels with the other. Eventually, he settles on some cooking show because he likes the coziness that's radiating from the woman as she chops leeks for a stew.
Taehyun should be getting off of his shift soon, though Beomgyu's not sure if he'll be stopping by the hospital this evening- he had spent the entire day here yesterday. They try to rotate.
Yeonjun and Soobin are at Soobin's family's house until tomorrow, celebrating Soobin's upcoming birthday. They all couldn't manage to go, not with their conflicting work schedules and Kai in the hospital - though his family wouldn't have been keen on Soobin dragging three of his four boyfriends along, anyway. Tolerating Yeonjun is their limit. Him and Soobin have been together the longest.
Kai shifts underneath the blankets, eyes fluttering open and fingers twitching in Beomgyu's grasp. “Bear?” he mumbles, voice raspy from disuse.
“Hey, sleepyhead, they say you've been out all day.”
“I have?”
Kai turns his head, looking out the window where the sky has already gone dark. He blinks in disbelief.
“I was just - I just ate breakfast.”
Beomgyu giggles, glancing over at the clock. “It's about five now - they should be bringing dinner around soon.”
Kai sits up, shivering when the blankets fall from his shoulders. Beomgyu is quick to pull them back up and wrap them around Kai's body. In the bed, underneath all the covers, he seems so small. So fragile. Like they're teenagers again, back when Beomgyu was still taller than him. Kai hit a growth spurt when he turned sixteen and seems like since then, he just keeps on growing.
“I didn't mean to sleep all day, sorry.”
Beomgyu shakes his head, giving Kai's hand a squeeze. “No, you're fine, love.”
He brings Kai's hand up, lips brushing against his knuckles. They're dry and cracked. Beomgyu has to remember to bring some lotion along next time.
As Beomgyu predicted, dietary comes in with dinner a few minutes later. Since he'd been sleeping, Kai missed out on the chance to place his own order, but fortunately, the food isn't too bad tonight. Rotisserie chicken - a bit on the dry side, but nothing a little gravy can't fix.
Beomgyu yaps as Kai eats. He talks about his day at work, which wasn't anything too exciting - but when you work in fast food, that's a good thing. Beomgyu has learned all too well that having excitement does not always equate to having fun. They did pull names for Secret Santa and Beomgyu pulled Yeosang - the quiet grill cook that only started two weeks ago.
“What do I even get him?” Beomgyu whines. “I know nothing about the guy. Do you think a gift card would come off as lazy?”
Kai hums thoughtfully, chewing his food as he thinks. “Well, if you get a really pretty Christmas card to put it in, maybe not.”
“Like a Hallmark? Those things cost, like, eight bucks.”
Kai shrugs.
“I could get him socks or something. Everyone wears socks.”
“Hyung, I think that's a worse idea than the gift card.”
Beomgyu groans, slouching down into the chair until his head rests on the back, staring up at the ceiling. There's a mysterious brown stain in the corner next to the door that his eyes are always drawn to. How did that even get up there?
“I'll figure something out, then. Have you thought about what you'd like?”
When Kai doesn't immediately respond, Beomgyu scoots himself back up to look at him. Kai's deep in careful thought as his fork chases a carrot around on his plate. It's cooked to death, falling apart when the tines eventually pierce through, and Kai opts for scooping it instead.
“Er, not really,” he eventually answers.
“Nothing?”
Kai shakes his head.
“I guess I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm just trying to get through this. The only thing I truly want is to feel well enough to get out of here before Christmas.”
Kai sets his fork down and pushes his table away. Beomgyu doesn't miss the way his hands are trembling, though his face remains cool and neutral.
“You will, Kai. You'll get better.”
What kills not only Beomgyu, but Yeonjun, Soobin, and Taehyun as well, is the fact that they can't actually promise Kai good health, nor can they wrap it up and gift it to him. The one thing he wants is something that's completely out of their control.
If Beomgyu could heal Kai, he would. If there was a way to transfer all the bad out of Kai and into Beomgyu himself, he would.
He'd do anything.
If he had to eternally walk through the fires of Hell, if it meant Kai would get to live a life void of illness and pain and hospitals - then he would.
“Beomgyu, sorry, I didn't mean to…”
Beomgyu blinks, and that's when he registers the wetness in his eyes. He quickly wipes at his face with his sleeve.
“No, no, you're fine. I'm just-”
Worried. But he doesn't say it.
Instead, he grabs Kai's hand again.
“It'd be great if you're out before Christmas,” Beomgyu says, “but even if you're not, we'll make it work. We'll bring Christmas to you. Get you one of those little tabletop trees and hang lights in your windows. That'd be fun, right?”
Kai smiles, a big one that stretches his lips into the heart shape that Beomgyu loves so well.
“That does sound nice. I'd like that.”
Beomgyu's heart is heavier as he leaves the hospital an hour later, his head almost hurting from all the thoughts he has swirling around inside. On the bus ride home, he tries to find happiness in the light poles decorated with wreaths and Christmas lights hanging in the shop windows, but it all just makes him feel worse.
That year, when Beomgyu was eighteen and received nothing from his mother for Christmas, Kai gifted him a travel size watercolor set - a small wooden box that opened up into a miniature pad of paper, along with a dozen different watercolors. It was the cutest thing Beomgyu had ever laid eyes on.
“You seem to find beauty wherever you go, hyung,” Kai had told him. "Now you can capture it."
Beomgyu’s glad when he finally gets home and is greeted by Taehyun, melting into his arms as they get settled down on the couch. Taehyun's fingers feel nice, brushing through Beomgyu's hair as Taehyun talks about his own day for a bit. Being the produce manager at a grocery store isn't that exciting either. Beomgyu welcomes the mundane chatter, though, switching his brain off for a bit.
“How was Kai today?” Taehyun eventually asks. “My shift ends a little early tomorrow so I'll go in and see him.”
“Good. He slept all day. Woke up around dinnertime, and I made sure he ate.”
“That's all?”
Beomgyu knows Taehyun can tell something is bothering him. Sighing, he sits up, getting into a position where he can see Taehyun's face as he speaks.
“Do you think he'll be home by Christmas?”
Taehyun hums.
“I mean, Christmas is still over three weeks away. I do hope he'll be out of there way before then. He's doing well - he's breathing a lot better.”
That is true - Kai's oxygen levels haven't dipped below 95% in about a week now, a great improvement from when he was first admitted and was hovering around 85% - 90% without breathing assistance. He was on a BiPAP machine for a few days, then wore a nasal cannula, and eventually they were able to wean him off of that as well.
It's wild how many people, Beomgyu included, take simple things like breathing for granted. He'd never thought about it until that night.
Kai has always been sickly, but he especially hadn't felt well for a few weeks, and it suddenly became worse.
Him, sitting on the floor, his breathing coming out in short little gasps.
Beomgyu dialing emergency services and, in his panic, completely forgetting their address. Yeonjun yanking the phone out of his hands to talk to the poor operator instead. Soobin standing in the kitchen, fists pulling at his hair. Taehyun on the floor with Kai, fruitlessly trying to ground him.
Kai's lips were turning blue. It seemed like it had taken forever for the ambulance to come.
Again, Beomgyu doesn't notice he's crying until Taehyun holds his face in between the warmth of his hands, thumbs swiping across his cheeks. He leans forward to press a kiss on Beomgyu's forehead.
“I asked what he wanted for Christmas, and all he wants is to get better.” Beomgyu swallows back a sob. “And I hate that I can't give that to him.”
“I know, hyung, I know. I do too.”
Taehyun pulls him back in, lets Beomgyu soak his shirt with his tears as he rubs his back, pressing kisses into his hair.
“This sucks, I know, but we'll get through it. We always do.”
December 05
The pancakes Yeonjun cooks for Soobin's birthday breakfast are nearly black around the edges, but the smoke alarm didn't go off, so he's counting it as a win.
That doesn't stop Beomgyu. “They're burnt,” he comments, yet again. He keeps saying it just to hear the giggles Soobin and Taehyun let out. And he enjoys riling Yeonjun up - it's just way too easy.
“They're just a little crispy, you heathen.”
Yeonjun sits a tall stack in front of Soobin, a singular lopsided candle stuck in the top. They're all in a good mood today. As well as it being Soobin's birthday, they're all off work, and it snowed overnight, waking up to a fresh, white covered world outside.
And most importantly, they're all going to see Kai and spend the day at the hospital. It's been way too long since the five of them have managed to be together. The house has felt empty, becoming better once Yeonjun and Soobin returned from their brief trip, but it still doesn't feel complete. Not without their youngest.
Soobin is all smiles as they sing happy birthday, dimple on full display.
“And manyyyyy moreeeeee!” Beomgyu flamboyantly finishes, arms outstretched towards the ceiling as his voice drowns out Yeonjun and Taehyun's. Soobin is laughing as he blows out the candle.
Yeonjun shakes his head, grinning fondly. “Absolute menace.”
“What'd you wish for, hyung?” Taehyun asks.
“If you say your wish out loud, it won't come true,” Soobin responds, though Beomgyu doesn't miss the way he glances over at Kai's empty dining chair.
The rest of the morning is spent simply. There's talks of dragging the Christmas tree out and getting it put up, but it doesn't actually happen. There's an unspoken hesitance about getting started on decorating without Kai - who probably enjoys doing it the most out of all of them. Soobin does dig out their stockings, though, and tack them up on the wall above where the television sits.
They're all matching, classic red and white stockings with golden letters embroidered on the front.
Y, S, B, T, K.
Beomgyu has to look away, his emotions threatening to overcome him. He gets like this every year. As a kid, he always wanted to hang a stocking like they did in movies, and wake up on Christmas morning to it stuffed full of candies and fruits. He still finds it hard to believe that not only does he have one now, but he gets to share the feeling with four of the most incredible human beings ever.
He distracts himself by coming behind Soobin, who is carefully inspecting his work to make sure they're all even, and wrapping his arms around him. They're both at a perfect height for his head to fit comfortably on Soobin's shoulder. “Happy birthday, love. They look good.”
“Thanks - they're not lopsided?”
“Even if they are, it adds to the charm, doesn't it?”
Soobin laughs. “Maybe you're right.”
They head out around noon. The snow blankets their surroundings, seemingly sparkling in the sunlight. There's a satisfying crunch with every step they take towards Yeonjun's car. A group of kids trudge down the street, dragging a sleigh behind them - no doubt heading towards the hill the next block over. Beomgyu remembers those days with his brother. He has to remember to call him sometime.
He has to call his mother, too. He missed her call the other day and it keeps slipping his mind to return it.
The hospital seems to be a bit busier today, having to stand in line for their visitor's passes. Yeonjun eyes the angel tree as they wait.
“It would be cool if we picked a kid or two, maybe next year?” he suggests.
Taehyun nods. “I've always wondered if the kids actually get the presents, though.”
“They do,” Beomgyu says. He's always gotten his, at least.
When they eventually make it up to Kai's floor, the smile that Sunghee greets them with seems as bright as ever. There's a jar of little round chocolates wrapped in red and green foil sitting on her desk, which she nods at, welcoming them to take a piece.
“Happy birthday, Soobin-ssi.”
“Oh! How'd you know?”
“I took some chocolates down to Kai earlier, and he mentioned it,” she says. “You'll be happy to hear he's doing very well today.”
Indeed, when they entire room 304, Kai is awake and alert. He's not in bed, instead in the recliner chair that sits next to the window, looking outside at the snow covered roof. He looks better. His skin has more color to it, and his eyes are bright. He only has a singular blanket thrown across his lap.
He grins as they all excitedly greet him, taking turns to hug and kiss him. It's a bit difficult, cramming five grown men into such a tiny hospital room, but they make it work. Beomgyu is last to get to him, throwing his arms around Kai's neck in a crushing hug, his heart soaring to see him looking so well. So healthy and so happy.
He and Soobin take the plastic chairs as Yeonjun and Taehyun sit on the hospital bed, forming a little circle. Beomgyu looks around, savoring the moment - now this feels right. The five of them, all together.
“How was your family?” Kai asks Soobin. “Had fun?”
“I actually did,” Soobin smiles. “It was good seeing them, especially my nephews. Though I think they enjoyed seeing Yeonjun more than me.”
Yeonjun shrugs. “Kids love me.”
“They can probably sense that your mental age is close to theirs,” Beomgyu deadpans, dodging Yeonjun's foot as he aims for his ankle.
“You're one to talk.”
Though Soobin sent plenty of pictures in their group chat already, he swipes through his gallery, showing off all the ones he took of his nephews, the family pets, and the Christmas decorations his mom had already put out.
Every year, they go to a tree farm to pick out a real tree. The tradition started with Soobin and his siblings when they were kids and has now continued on with his nephews. This year's tree is tall, adorned with warm lights and golden ornaments. A big stack of neatly wrapped presents sit underneath. The scene is so pretty and perfect, it looks like something out of a magazine.
Beomgyu knows that's how Soobin's parents like to present not only their Christmas tree, but the entire house and their entire family. Perfect, pristine, flawless. Something everyone looks at and wishes they had for themselves.
It's why Yeonjun is the only one who visits. Their youngest son bringing along one man is already teetering on the edge of shattering their vision of perfection - but four?
They all went together one time and that was the last.
“I hung our stockings up this morning, too,” Soobin says, showing Kai the picture he took of their stockings on the wall. “They're a bit wonky, but...”
Taehyun smiles. “Well, we're wonky ourselves, so it's fitting.”
“Have you put the tree up yet?” Kai asks.
Beomgyu shakes his head. “No, we were waiting,” he hesitates, before adding, “Waiting on you.”
It's quiet for a moment. Yeonjun reaches over to put his hand on Beomgyu's knee, thumb smoothing over the fabric of his jeans. Soobin looks down, fiddling with a loose thread on his sweater, and Taehyun pulls his lip between his teeth, his eyes dancing as he seemingly tries to think of something to say.
Kai nods.
Then, he breaks out into a face-splitting grin.
“You won't have to wait for long, then.”
“Wh- what?” Beomgyu chokes out around the lump in his throat that had formed. At the same time, Taehyun lets out a soft gasp and Soobin snaps his head up, eyes wide.
Yeonjun has a tight grip on Beomgyu's knee as he asks, “What do you mean, Kai-yah?”
“When Dr. Jo came in this morning, he told me as long as things continue as they are, I'm free to go home Friday.”
“Friday?” Taehyun repeats. “As in, this Friday? Two-days-from-now Friday?”
“Yes!”
Momentarily forgetting they're in a hospital, the room becomes loud with their exclamations of happiness and joyful cheering.
Beomgyu can't help but to launch himself at Kai, careful not to disturb the IV in his arm as he squeezes himself in the chair right alongside him. Kai laughs as Beomgyu pulls him in, crushing him in a hug. “You should have said something sooner!”
“I didn't want to interrupt Soobin-hyung.”
Soobin shakes his head. His eyes have become red and watery, his voice trembling as he says, “I wouldn't have cared. This is the best birthday present I could have ever received.”
“Oh, hyung,” Taehyun coos, his hand reaching to take hold of Soobin's.
“I'm off Friday, so I'll be able to pick you up as soon as you're discharged,” Yeonjun says, his legs bouncing with excitement. “I'm so - I'm so happy, Kai.”
“Me too,” Kai answers, lips pressing against Beomgyu's temple.
They're all in high spirits. They have an early dinner and order way too much food to be delivered, spreading it all out as best as they can in the tiny room. As awkward of a position as it is, Beomgyu remains in the recliner with Kai, their elbows knocking together as they eat - but neither of them mind at all.
For the entire duration of their visit, the smile on Beomgyu's face doesn't leave, not even when they're saying their goodbyes.
“I'll come over tomorrow after my shift, love,” he tells Kai, who nods.
For once, as they exit the hospital, Beomgyu's heart is the lightest it's been in a long time.
Kai is coming home, well in time for Christmas. He'll get to decorate the tree with them - maybe even this weekend, if he's feeling up to it. They'll put on cheesy Christmas songs and order pizza. Yeonjun will curse as he untangles the strings of lights, and they'll all bicker over who gets to place the star on top.
And everything will be perfect, because Kai will be there.
December 06
Work ends up kicking Beomgyu's ass the next day.
It's one of those shifts where he has to step inside the walk-in freezer multiple times for a breather, and remind himself that as much as he'd like to throw his name tag on the ground and quit, he actually needs his job. He thinks about his life and the people he shares it with and tries to use that to motivate himself to just get through the day.
Three call outs, leaving him with only two other employees. It just so happens today seems to be the day that literally everyone in town decide they want a burger, because they get so fucking slammed it's ridiculous.
On top of that, their produce truck has been drastically delayed due to mechanical issues, so they run out of tomatoes halfway through the shift, which some customers are not happy about and make it a point to let him know.
“Tomatoes are fucking gross anyway!” he rants to poor Yeosang, whose hands shake as he tosses patties onto the grill.
And then Martin, the kid running the window, refuses to take an airpod out his ear because he swears up and down the music helps him ‘concentrate’, despite the fact he keeps messing up every other order.
The evening crew has two call outs, so Beomgyu's shift runs even later than usual, unable to leave them hanging.
It's dark by the time Beomgyu is relieved.
His feet are burning. He's been on them all day, the step counter on his phone telling him he's taken fifteen thousand of them today.
His head throbs, feeling as if it's going to split open. He presses a hand against it as he sits at the bus stop. The snow on the street has slushified, becoming grey and dirty, no longer the beautiful, shimmery blanket it was yesterday. The Christmas lights in the shops are so bright they hurt Beomgyu's eyes.
He hasn't eaten today, but he's not even hungry. He's tired - so tired. All he wants to do is crawl into bed, preferably in the arms of one of his boyfriends.
Beomgyu did tell Kai he was going to see him tonight, but that was before he knew just what a hellish shift he was going to have.
He hates it - pulling out his phone, opening their private chat, typing out the message.
i had an awful day, love
i don't think i can make it. i'm sorry
Guilt gnaws at Beomgyu, but he tries to shake it off. Kai will be coming home tomorrow - he'll be waiting for him after work.
The thought, combined with Kai's response, has Beomgyu feeling a lot better about it.
it's okay hyung, i love you <3
i love you too
see you tmrw !!
The bus ride home is long. Beomgyu keeps his eyes closed, forehead against the window, the cool glass giving just a bit of relief to his headache.
Soobin is the only one home when Beomgyu walks in, though he hasn't been home for long. His jacket is still on, nose still red from the cold, flipping through the day's mail. He smiles at Beomgyu - who tries his best to return it, but it ends up being more of a grimace. It truly feels like he lacks the energy to even smile.
That causes Soobin to frown, his eyebrows pulling together in worry. “What's wrong, bear? Is Kai okay?”
Beomgyu sighs. “I didn't even get to go. I'm just now getting off work,” he mumbles. “Today fucking sucked.”
Soobin is quick to pull Beomgyu into his arms, cradling his head against his chest as Beomgyu wraps his arms around Soobin's middle. One thing he loves about Soobin and his freakishly tall height is how small he makes Beomgyu feel, despite him being a fairly tall man himself. He feels safe, sturdy - like nothing can touch him as long as he remains in Soobin's hold.
“I can run a hot bath, and heat up some of the leftovers from yesterday?”
As much as Beomgyu appreciates the suggestion, he shakes his head, cheek rubbing against Soobin's chest. “Can we just lay down for a bit? Maybe after some rest I'll feel up to it, but right now…”
“Yeah, sure.”
The relief Beomgyu feels once they're out of their work clothes and into their pajama bottoms - the matching plaid ones that Soobin so cutely picked out himself - is immense. That alone already has him feeling better, some of the tension lifting off him.
Finally getting to crawl into bed feels even better.
Soobin spoons him from behind, arm wrapped around his waist, and presses a few gentle kisses along the nape of Beomgyu's neck.
Beomgyu hums, his eyes already growing heavy, fluttering as he struggles to keep them open. “You're putting me to sleep.”
“Go on and sleep, then, baby.”
And like that, Beomgyu is instantly out.
Unfortunately, even in his dreams it seems like he can't escape work.
The grill is on fire and Beomgyu can't figure out how to work the stupid fire extinguisher - maybe he should have listened more carefully during their monthly fire safety chats. The flames are rising towards the ceiling, tendrils stretching longer as Beomgyu fruitlessly fumbles with the extinguisher.
Martin is there, running back and forth from the sink to the grill, dumping buckets of water onto the fire. It's not doing anything.
“Beomgyu!” Martin says. “Beomgyu-yah!”
Even in the state of emergency they're in, Beomgyu feels the anger bubbling in his chest. “That's hyung to you, punk.”
“Wake up, Beomgyu -”
The dream starts to shift. Beomgyu is shaking, the building crumbling down around them, and Martin's face is slowly replaced by Yeonjun's as Beomgyu blinks his eyes open.
“Hyung?”
“It's Kai.”
Beomgyu sits up.
“What?”
“His oxygen dropped again and he's been transferred to ICU.”
Beomgyu's ears are ringing, heart pounding as he processes the words, looking up and searching Yeonjun's face for any signs of this being some sort of fucked up joke, but all he finds is fear in Yeonjun's wide open eyes.
Beomgyu jumps out of bed, throwing on the first shirt he gets his hands on, not bothering to change out of his pajama bottoms, and shoves on his coat.
“Is he okay?”
“He's stable now.”
Soobin and Taehyun both are already dressed. Taehyun sits on the couch, his head in his hands as his shoulders shake. Soobin cards his fingers through Taehyun's hair as he speaks to someone on the phone.
“Yeah, we're heading that way now, so don't worry about making it down tonight, we'll be with him - at least one of us -”
Beomgyu drops down next to Taehyun. He rarely cries, especially like this, and Beomgyu can't stand the sight of it. He pulls Taehyun in, until they're as close to each other as physically possible, and it still doesn't feel like it's enough. Taehyun's tears are wet and warm against Beomgyu's neck as they cling to each other.
“Lea's coming in the morning,” Soobin, now off the phone, tells Yeonjun.
“What about his mom?”
“I don't know, she didn't say. But probably.”
Taehyun lifts his head up, sniffling pitifully. “Can we go now? I just want to see Kai.”
Technically, visiting hours are over by now, but visitors are permitted during emergency events, and apparently, this counts as one. The main lobby is already closed so they enter through the emergency room, receiving visitor passes from the bored looking receptionist before she leads them towards the elevators.
The ICU family gallery is a large, circular room with big windows that overlooks a portion of the employee parking lot. The sofas are hard and the television doesn't work. There's a coffee machine, but only the decaf dispenser is working, so it's pretty much useless.
Kai is in room 10. Only two visitors at a time are permitted in the room, so Taehyun and Soobin go first.
Beomgyu and Yeonjun sit on one of the sofas together, Yeonjun's arm thrown around his shoulder. Beomgyu is hit with deja vu - it was only a couple of weeks ago they were all gathered here in the gallery, after Kai had initially been admitted that night.
He feels numb as he stares out the windows.
On the ride here, Yeonjun gave him the rundown of what had happened, according to the nurses that had called. Kai's oxygen had been hovering around 94%-95% throughout the day - something to keep an eye on, but not too concerning at first.
Not until he got up to go to the bathroom. The walk, despite it being a mere few steps, wore him out. Kai pulled the emergency drawstring in the bathroom and he was found on the floor, short of breath and oxygen dipping into the 80s.
If Beomgyu had visited, like he'd promised, he would have been there when it happened.
The thought of Kai going through that alone kills him.
He should have been there.
Beomgyu knows he would not have been able to prevent it, but he could have at least provided Kai with comfort, could have given him a familiar face to look towards as they rushed him to ICU. Could have held his hand and promised everything was going to be okay.
But Beomgyu had been selfish. That's what Mom always calls him, and for the first time, he's seeing that she may be right.
Yeonjun suddenly stands up, stepping towards the windows, his hands shoved into his pockets. He has his back towards Beomgyu, who watches Yeonjun's reflection as he rapidly blinks back tears.
“Shit, this sucks. He was coming home tomorrow.”
Beomgyu doesn't say anything.
Taehyun and Soobin come back. Taehyun looks a lot better, more at peace, despite his eyes being puffy from all the crying he'd done earlier.
“He's asleep,” he says. “He looks okay. They have him on BiPAP.”
Taehyun is right - when Beomgyu and Yeonjun make their way into Kai's room, he doesn't look as scary as Beomgyu had been imagining, despite the BiPAP mask obstructing much of his face. He's sound asleep.
His belongings from his previous room have been shoved inside a plastic bag, and so Beomgyu busies himself with unpacking it, because he knows Kai won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Neatly folding his clothes and sticking them in the cabinets, setting his toiletries out on the counter where the sink is, tucking his teddy bear by his side. Kai's hand twitches, but otherwise, there's no movement nor sound, other than the quiet humming from the BiPAP.
Yeonjun settles himself in the recliner, patting his knee. “Come here, bear.”
It's awkward, Beomgyu situating himself on Yeonjun's lap, the chair obviously not made for two grown men, but they make it work, just as he and Kai had done yesterday.
Yeonjun's hands seem to be everywhere - running along Beomgyu's arm, rubbing his back, petting the nape of his neck. Beomgyu's eyes flutter shut as he leans into the touches, bottom lip trembling as he tries not to cry.
“Kai will be okay - he's strong,” Yeonjun murmurs.
Beomgyu's voice shakes. “Even the strongest of people have their limits.”
“We can't think like that - we have to try our best to stay positive. You know he doesn't like us to wallow in sadness.”
Then, Yeonjun sighs, pulling Beomgyu closer to him in order to press a kiss against his cheek.
“I know that's easier said than done, though.”
December 08-10
Kai's mother is a petite woman with a voice so soft, Beomgyu has to strain to hear what she's saying. Sometimes, he even completely misses what she says entirely, but so far, when that happens, politely smiling and nodding seems to be working out for him.
They're all crowded in Kai's ICU room - it's double the size of the regular hospital room, but still not ideal. Beomgyu can tell he's loathing all the company and attention.
Maybe it wouldn't be too bad if Lea wasn't here. Poking and prodding at Kai's IVs, readjusting the BiPAP mask on his face, asking the nurse a million questions every time she steps in. She's worried and therefore doesn't know what to do with herself. Beomgyu gets it. But it's driving Kai insane - as evident from the way he swats at her hands when she touches the mask and rolls his eyes when she asks, yet again, how are you feeling?
Kai's unable to really talk, or eat, with the BiPAP on, so he utilizes the group chat to voice his upset.
why di d you guys call thm
get her o ut ofhere
Soobin clears his throat. “Hey Lea, you wanna go downstairs to the cafe and grab something to eat with me?”
Lea, who's in the process of repositioning Kai's IV pole, brightens. “Yeah, I'll go. You want anything, Mama?”
“Just bring me a coffee, honey.”
The room definitely seems to grow bigger once they leave, and Beomgyu can't help but to inwardly giggle when he sees Kai exhale with relief. Beomgyu gets up from his chair and sits in Soobin's instead, right next to Kai's bed, and slots his hand into Kai's.
He offers a reassuring smile, and Kai attempts to return it as best as he can while wearing the mask.
It's been two days since Kai's admittance into the ICU. Since then, the staff has gradually decreased the BiPAP settings without any major issues, and they're hopeful he'll be out of the unit in another day or two and returned to med-surg. Though no one is quite yet certain on when he'll be breathing on his own again or when he'll be discharged.
“The snow's beautiful this morning,” Taehyun comments, filling in the silence. A fresh blanket had fallen overnight.
Ms Jung hums.
“It is. It's cold.”
Silence again. Yeonjun's leg anxiously bounces.
“Kai, once you're out we'll have to go sledding,” Beomgyu tells him. Kai squeezes his hand in response. “You know that big hill down from our place. Everyone on our street has gone.”
Ms Jung frowns. “Sledding? In his condition? I don't know about that.”
“Yeah, but - he'll be better by then.”
“His issues are chronic, Beomgyu.”
She's not being mean - or, at least, she's not trying to be. Her eyes are soft and her voice still as quiet as ever, hands demurely folded in her lap, but the words cut through Beomgyu like a knife. He averts his gaze to the floor, unsure on how to respond.
“Mama.” Kai's voice comes out smothered.
“I'm just trying to be realistic, baby. I don't want you hurting yourself.”
“Yeah, it's okay, you're right,” Beomgyu mumbles, smoothing his thumb over Kai's knuckles. He keeps forgetting to bring that lotion along with him.
“There'll be tons of other stuff we'll do,” Yeonjun promises, looking at Beomgyu when he says it.
Beomgyu nods in agreement, then immediately changes the subject by complimenting the silver necklace Ms Jung is wearing - anything to get away from the awkward conversation he'd initiated.
The next few days are a blur.
Beomgyu returns to work, who wasn't happy with him when he'd call and told them he wouldn't be in for a couple days, but oh well. It's rare he misses work. There was no way he wasn't going to be there for Kai after bailing on him the night of the incident. Taehyun told Beomgyu he shouldn't blame himself for not being there, but Beomgyu just can't shake the guilt.
After the hellish shift they worked together, Yeosang quit, so Beomgyu's manager, Hongjoong, gives him the name he'd pulled instead - Martin. Great.
“What the hell do teenagers even like these days?” he grumbles to Soobin, who has dragged him along to the mall for a little bit of Christmas shopping.
“I don't know? Shoes? Roblox?”
“Roblox??”
“Okay, listen, my nephews are like, six, so that's all I got.”
Beomgyu picks out a pair of earrings for Yeonjun and a watch for Taehyun. For obvious reasons, Soobin's will have to wait until a later time. Which just leaves Kai, and that's where Beomgyu becomes stuck.
As they wander through some store full of figurines, plushies, and merch from all kinds of different fandoms - that Soobin insisted on coming into, ‘just to look’- Beomgyu sees plenty of things that Kai would like. He picks up a few items, turning them in his hands, but none of them feel like enough. Not when Kai's only wish is to be out of the hospital before Christmas.
Soobin is juggling an armful of blind boxes. “Two of these are for Kai,” he says in defense when Beomgyu gives him a look.
“Sure.”
“Have you picked anything out yet? Did you see that giant Pusheen pillow plushy?”
Beomgyu nods. “Yeah. Nothing's speaking to me.”
“Oh,” Soobin frowns. “Well, they have a bigger selection online - maybe check it out.”
After four days in ICU, Kai is successfully weaned off the BiPAP, now receiving a lower dose of oxygen through a nasal cannula instead, and moved back to med-surg. Sunghee is ecstatic to see them all again, passing out homemade chocolate chip cookies and Santa Claus erasers. It makes Beomgyu feel as if he's back in elementary school.
Kai can finally eat by mouth again, and can talk, though his voice is weak from disuse.
Now that he's become more stable, his mom and Lea head back home, promising to be back sometime before Christmas despite Kai telling them it's not necessary.
“It is to us,” Lea disputes, bending down to kiss his forehead. It's the only time Kai hasn't jerked away from her affection. Beomgyu thinks he even leans into it a bit. She has gotten a lot more tolerable since Kai left the ICU, though.
Both Beomgyu and Taehyun turn away when Ms Jung says goodbye, pretending to look at something out the window, like they don't notice the tears falling down her face or the way Kai's eyes start to water.
“I'm fine, Mama,” he insists, his voice quiet, but steady.
“Call me if you need me, though, baby. You could always come home.”
“I am home.”
“You know what I mean.”
They exchange hugs with Beomgyu and Taehyun - Lea whispering in Beomgyu's ear to let them know if they really are needed, no matter what Kai says - and say their final farewells.
Beomgyu sighs, plopping himself down into the recliner. To say he's tired would be an understatement - he's downright exhausted. When he's not at work, he's at the hospital, having only been home to shower, eat, and sleep for the entire four days Kai was in the ICU. Beomgyu feels better now that he's back in med-surg, they all do, but there's still a part of him that's on edge.
What if something else happens? What if Kai's breathing regresses, and they have to start all over yet again?
There's one question that lingers in the far back corner of Beomgyu's mind, one he tries not to let surface, but it does anyway.
What if they lose Kai?
Even just the thought has Beomgyu's stomach twisting and his palms sweating, a sense of dread coursing through his entire body so intense it knocks the breath out of him. He looks over at Kai in his bed - forever their youngest, their baby, despite the fact he's now a twenty-two year old grown man that towers over all of them, sans Soobin - and finds it impossible to imagine a life without him.
Beomgyu wipes his palms against his jeans, forcing himself to calm down. He shoves the thoughts back into his mind, putting them away until they decide to resurface again.
“Should we order some food?” Taehyun asks. He sits in the chair next to Kai's bed, fingers fidgeting with the hospital bracelet Kai wears. “Kai-yah, is there anything special you want now that you can eat?”
“Eggtarts?” Beomgyu's suggestion manages to put a small smile on Kai's face.
“I don't know, you guys can choose,” Kai answers. “I'm not picky.”
“Anything? I know you're hungry.” Taehyun reaches over to give Kai's stomach a few gentle pats. “We need to get some weight back on you.”
“Whatever is fine, Tyunnie, really.”
After a bit more discussion, they all three settle on Chinese food. As soon as Taehyun places the order on his phone, he groans.
“I forgot drinks - hyung, can you go down to the vending machines?”
Beomgyu happily obliges, not minding the opportunity to stretch his legs and get out of the room a bit. He even takes the staircase down instead of the elevator, just to get the extra steps in. He always hates how awkward it is to ride the elevator with strangers, anyway.
The bottom floor of the hospital is almost like one big circle, hallways with floor to ceiling windows surrounding an enclosed courtyard that contains a water fountain and benches. A woman sits on one of the benches, eyes red and watery as she cries on the phone, and Beomgyu looks away with a pang in his chest. Whatever she has going on - he feels for her. He really does.
Beomgyu gets two Cokes and a Sprite, along with a chocolate bar that he eats during his ascent back up the stairs.
“I'm baaaack!” He sings as he steps inside the room.
Then he freezes, taking in the sight in front of him - Taehyun has moved to sitting on the edge of Kai's bed, holding and soothing the younger man as he sobs into Taehyun's shoulder.
Beomgyu tosses the drinks to the side, aiming for the chair, but one rolls onto the floor and underneath the bed. Whatever. He's by their side in a flash and wrapping his own arms around Kai, his heart pounding.
Kai never cries. Not like this. He just doesn't.
“What's wrong!? What happened?” Beomgyu looks at Taehyun, who looks back at him with so much sadness it's suffocating. He opens his mouth to respond, but Kai beats him to it, pulling himself off Taehyun's shoulder.
Beomgyu can't stand seeing the state of his face - red and blotchy, cheeks wrecked with tear tracks, but what he says kills Beomgyu even more.
“I f-feel like - like I'm ruining Christmas for e-everyone.”
Beomgyu's heart drops. “What? No, you're not!’
“You can't help anything that's going on, Kai,” Taehyun says, attempting to wipe away some of the wetness off Kai's face but it just gets replaced with fresh tears.
Beomgyu nods in agreement. “Exactly, none of this is your fault - you didn't ask to be sick, love. Not one time have we ever thought you're ruining anything for us.”
It's the truth - Beomgyu has never even come close to thinking Kai is ruining Christmas, and he knows for a fact the other three haven't either. Obviously Kai being sick, especially during the holidays, has been tough but he has no control over any of that. Beomgyu wonders how long Kai has felt this way, how long he's kept it bottled up.
Beomgyu tightens his hold on Kai as he continues to cry. Neither him or Taehyun say much more, allowing Kai to let everything out until he's finished. Eventually, once he's calmer, Beomgyu does get up to go fetch a cup of iced water, guiding the straw to Kai's lips and coaxing him to take a few sips. Taehyun wets a paper towel and dabs at his face.
When Kai gets settled back into bed - underneath his blankets, arms clutching his teddy bear - he looks so much younger, seems much more frail than he had before.
Beomgyu sits, his hands twitching, wanting to do anything to help Kai but unsure on exactly what he should do. Or if there's even anything he can do.
Eventually, Kai speaks again.
“I know you guys are waiting to start Christmas, but I don't think I'll be home in time. I want you to enjoy it, even if I'm not there. Put the tree up and stuff. I won't mind.”
“You never know, love,” Beomgyu says. “We're not even halfway through the month yet - we still have time. We don't mind waiting.”
“I know, hyung.”
“We'll just have to see how things get on, okay?” Taehyun says.
The food arrives not long afterwards, Beomgyu running down to the lobby to meet the delivery guy. It's a good distraction. They spread the food out, find some corny Hallmark Christmas movie to put on the television as background noise, and the conversation turns more lighthearted. Kai returns to his usual, upbeat self.
But Beomgyu can't help but continue to worry, even long after they've left the hospital that night.
December 11
“Mom won't stop harassing me about you.”
Beomgyu rolls his eyes, taking his fork and stabbing at his scrambled eggs with a bit more force than he intends to.
After what seems like weeks, he's finally managed to return Beomsook's call, though he's quickly being reminded as to why he's procrastinated on it for so long. It's nothing against his brother - they're not as close as they were growing up, but Beomgyu thinks they have a decent relationship.
It's more so their mother, because now that Beomgyu has reached out to Beomsook, he'll be expected to do the same to her.
And as harsh as it seems, there's nothing Beomgyu despises more than talking to his mom.
“She keeps asking if I've heard from you - she said she hasn't been able to get in touch in weeks. I told her you've had a lot going on.”
“That's an understatement.”
Beomsook sighs. “Just call her, alright? So she'll get off my back. She annoys the shit out of me, too, you know. Wish her a merry Christmas and she'll be happy.”
Beomgyu doubts that - he's never known their mom to be happy, especially with anything concerning him, but he promises Beomsook to contact her.
“I'll at least shoot her a text,” Beomgyu mumbles.
Beomsook chuckles. “Alright, as long as you make contact. How's your little ensemble doing? Other than Kai.”
“We're fine,” Beomgyu says, glancing over at Soobin across the dining table. He's spreading an ungodly amount of strawberry jam on a piece of toast, a glob of it dropping into his lap. Yeonjun is frying bacon, and Taehyun's already gone for the day, wanting to hit the gym before he heads into work.
The rest of their conversation is mostly small talk and idle comments, Beomsook eventually ending the call once he reaches his own workplace - some office job downtown, Beomgyu doesn't really know.
“Everything good, bear?” Yeonjun asks once Beomgyu hangs up, having finally sat down to eat his own breakfast.
“No. I have to text my mom.”
“Well, you don't have to,” Soobin says through a mouthful of toast. There's jam smeared on his lips. Yeonjun reaches over and wipes it off with a napkin.
Ignoring him, Beomgyu opens his and his mom's chat, the last message being sent from her a couple days ago. He types out a quick message wishing her a merry Christmas and apologizing for not responding to her sooner.
She immediately texts back asking if he'd like to meet for coffee tomorrow, and for some reason, he tells her yes.
Beomgyu groans, dramatically flopping his head down onto the table, almost knocking his glass of apple juice over in the process.
“Just kill me,” he mumbles.
Yeonjun shakes his head. “No can do. We like having you around.”
That does manage to make Beomgyu smile, at least.
For once, Beomgyu doesn't mind that work seems to drag on today, not looking forward to the plans he has for tomorrow. It's not insanely busy, and they're fully staffed, which makes it even more bearable. He overhears Martin telling the cashier, Juhoon, about some album that just released and how he's dying to get his hands on the vinyl - bingo! There's Secret Santa sorted. Beomgyu orders it during his lunch break.
Kai sends a picture through - him in his chair, holding a St. Bernard puppy in his lap. His smile is the biggest Beomgyu has seen in days, causing one of his own to spread across Beomgyu's face.
hyuka
guys look omg !!
they brought in a therapy puppy ;^;
her name is coco
soob
AWW sooo cute <3
yawnnie
wait..
which one's the puppy ??
tyuns
right i think i see two
bear
hehehe the big one's the cutest !!
yawnnie
agreed
i could just eat him up
hyuka
okay
this is..
not how i expected this to go
Beomgyu laughs. He feels even lighter as he clocks back into work.
That night, he gets off of work a little late, but he still makes time to stop by the hospital for a quick visit before going home. Kai is feeling well and is in a great mood, doing most of the talking as he eats his dinner. Not only did they bring out the therapy dogs today, but volunteers came around and passed out hot chocolates. And Sunghee came in and gave him a candy cane - which he still has, because he's saving it for dessert.
Truly, just hearing how good of a day Kai had makes Beomgyu feel the happiest he's been since Soobin's birthday.
He hates to leave Kai, the visit being way too short - especially because he knows he won't be around tomorrow. He's working a later shift than usual so he has time to meet his mom around lunch. He lingers as long as he can, dotting kisses across Kai's face until Kai is playfully squirming away.
“Good night, hyung,” he giggles, lightly pushing Beomgyu's face away with his hand.
Beomgyu pouts. But it's all in good fun.
December 12
Beomgyu is a spitting image of his mother - it's what he always heard growing up, something he didn't see until he grew his hair out passed his shoulders a couple years ago. Suddenly, her face was what stared back at him whenever he took pictures or looked in the mirror.
He forced Yeonjun to cut it all off. He couldn't stand it.
He's reminded of it as he sits across from her in the crowded cafe she chose - just how much they look alike, despite the stark differences in their personalities and mannerisms. He has her entire face, but that's pretty much it.
She picks up her mug to take a careful sip of the peppermint latte she ordered. The fingertips on her right hand are stained yellow from thirty years of chainsmoking. Her teeth look no better.
“This is good, cookie, should have gotten one.”
“I don't like peppermint, Mom.”
With the look that comes across her face, one would have thought Beomgyu had just admitted to murder. “Since when??”
Since forever, Beomgyu thinks, but he doesn't give her an answer. He picks his own drink up and takes a sip, ignoring how scalding hot it is on his tongue. Tired of looking at her, he averts his gaze towards the window next to him. The streets are busy, people shuffling by juggling shopping bags and drinks and teary-eyed toddlers. It's cloudy and grey today. The weather makes all the Christmas decorations seem dull and lifeless.
Next, he checks the time on his phone. Somehow, only thirty minutes have passed since they arrived. It's felt like a lifetime.
“I saw Soobin's - or was it Taehyun's? No, had to be Soobin. I saw his instagram post. With all your stockings. They're cute.”
“Thanks.”
“Are they for show? Or do you actually fill them?”
“Yeonjun-hyung fills them.” Beomgyu can't keep himself from smiling as he thinks back on how their little stocking tradition got started.
Three years ago, their first Christmas together in the house they just moved into, barely scraping by with the little money they had after paying for the deposit and first month's rent. Their little house was bare. Soobin bought the stockings from the dollar store, beyond pleased to have found all their initials, and they were the only Christmas decorations they had that year.
Beomgyu mentioned one night, just a silly offhand comment, about how he grew up wishing he'd wake up to a stocking full of candy on Christmas morning.
So that's what Yeonjun did - he secretly stuffed the stockings while everyone else was asleep, and Beomgyu got his wish. Since then, it's been his duty every year to fill them.
“So he's kinda like our Santa,” Beomgyu giggles, just barely registering he had told the entire story out loud, and forgetting who he was telling it to.
His mother hums. “You never told me you wanted a stocking.”
“Huh?”
“As a child. You never told me, cookie. How was I supposed to know?”
Actually, Beomgyu is pretty sure he did mention it at least once or twice - and he's sure Beomsook did as well. He opens his mouth to say so, but he stops himself before he can get the words out. Because really, there's no point. She'd just deny them ever saying it. And it's such a stupid thing to bicker about anyway.
“Sorry, Mom.”
Her mouth twitches. Beomgyu can't tell if she's upset he didn't take the bait, or if she's pleased he submitted to her that easily. Either way, it leaves his stomach twisting.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom.
Beomgyu wets a paper towel with cool water to wipe at his face, which has suddenly become way too warm. The sweater he wears over his work uniform is itchy and heavy.
Fuck. Why did he do this to himself? Why did he agree to meet her?
Just twenty more minutes. That's it. Then he'll dip, spit out some excuse about work needing him a little earlier than expected, and he won't have to worry about having to see her again until his birthday rolls around in March.
Beomgyu probably would have spent another ten of those twenty minutes hiding in the bathroom, but someone knocks on the door, so he leaves, making his way back to their table.
“It is good to see you, cookie,” she says after a few awkwardly silent moments. “I was happy when you finally returned a message. I was getting worried.”
Beomgyu sighs. “Just had a lot going on,” he mumbles.
“Beomsook-ah told me about Kai. He's so young to have such bad lungs, isn't he? It's a shame. How's he doing now?”
As much as he dislikes to, Beomgyu recounts everything - from Kai's initial discharge, to his breathing regressing, his stay in ICU and how he's back on med-surg now. There's still no talk of him going home just yet, despite Christmas being less than two weeks away now.
There is sympathy written on his mother's face as he talks, and for just a few moments, Beomgyu believes it's genuine.
That is, until she opens her mouth, and he realizes just how stupid he was to think she's capable of feeling even an ounce of compassion.
“That is all so awful, cookie,” she says, then the corner of her mouth twitches upward.
“Well, just in case something happens - it's a good thing you have so many other lovers as back up.”
The laughter that follows feels like a dagger penetrating into Beomgyu's chest, the blade twisting his heart until it's nothing but a mangled, bloody mass of muscle.
Beomgyu's hands clench into fists, his fingernails digging painfully into his palms. When he speaks, all attempts at remaining calm and poised fly out the window, forcing the words out through gritted teeth. “What do you mean by that?”
His mother frowns. “Oh, come on. It was just a joke.”
“How was it a joke?!” A few people at neighboring tables glance their way, but Beomgyu doesn't care. “Explain to me how that's funny!”
“I don't - I don't have to explain myself to you,” she snaps. “I'm your mother.”
“Yeah, unfortunately,” Beomgyu bites back.
“Unfortunately?” she echoes. “Unfortunately? When I kept a roof over your head and food on the table eventhough you were the most selfish, ungrateful child -”
Beomgyu doesn't hear anything else she has to say because he's leaving. He storms out of the cafe, vision growing increasingly blurry with each hurried step he takes, ignoring how everyone is looking at him. Like he's the crazy one.
He sobs as he walks down the street, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater though it's no use, because he just keeps crying.
And crying. And crying.
Without thought, his legs carry him a few blocks away, down one of the back allies he knows very well - though it's been a while since he's visited. Even back here, with all the dumpsters, he can smell the freshly baked breads and the sweetness of pastries. He approaches the back door of the bakery's kitchen and knocks until the door swings open.
It's Seonghwa, who takes one look at him and sighs. “Come on, Beomgyu.”
Beomgyu doesn't realize how cold he'd been outside until he steps inside the warmth of the kitchen. Yeonjun is at one of the counters - apron covered in flour, rolling out a long piece of dough, focused on his work until Seonghwa taps his arm for attention.
Yeonjun looks up. “Oh, shit,” he swears, dropping the rolling pin and making a beeline towards Beomgyu.
Beomgyu collapses in his arms, burying his head in Yeonjun's chest as he continues to bawl even louder, his sobs muffled by the apron. Yeonjun gently shushes him, petting his fingers through his hair with one hand as the other rubs his back.
“So it didn't go well,” he murmurs, and Beomgyu shakes his head.
It never does. At this point, it's his own fault. He knows what to expect and yet he still subjects himself to her.
“It's okay, bear. Just take some deep breaths, alright?
It takes a few good minutes, but after taking some breaths, coupled with Yeonjun's words of comfort, Beomgyu is able to calm down and pull his face out of Yeonjun's chest. He sniffs when he sees the mess of tears and snot he's left on it.
“You need a new apron, sorry,” he mumbles.
“Not a problem,” Yeonjun smiles. “Call work - you're staying with me today.”
So that's exactly what Beomgyu does. He calls out, and spends the rest of Yeonjun's shift sitting in the little cramped office that sits off the kitchen. He gets put on phone duty, answering the few phone calls they get throughout the day. Every now and then, Yeonjun or Seonghwa will come in with a sample of fresh bread, cake, or pastry for Beomgyu to try.
His favorite is the strawberry tart, so at the end of the day, Seonghwa gives him a big piece of it along with a couple of crumpled bills as payment.
“Beomgyu-yah,” Yeonjun speaks once they're in the car. “You don't have to entertain her, you know? You don't have to see her, or even speak to her if you don't want to. All she does is make you feel like shit.”
It's a conversation they've had countless times.
“She's my mom.”
Unfortunately. As he'd said.
“That doesn't mean you have to talk to her. I don't talk to my dad.”
Yeonjun's father. A big, stocky man with a perpetual scowl etched on his face, someone who gave his teenage son a black eye when he walked in on him in bed with a boy - that boy being Soobin, who became so traumatized he still flinches whenever someone raises their hand, even seven years later.
“That's different,” Beomgyu whispers. “He hurt you.”
“Your mom hurts you, too. It's just emotional rather than physical.”
Beomgyu doesn't respond, because he knows he doesn't have a good argument. He leans his head against the window and watches the world outside, the lights and decorations regaining life now that it's getting darker outside. Just by the streets they're taking, Beomgyu recognizes where Yeonjun is heading. It doesn't surprise him when the hospital comes into view and Yeonjun pulls into the parking lot.
“I figured visiting Kai would cheer you up a bit,” Yeonjun says. “And it's been a couple days since I've been able to make it.”
“He was in a good mood yesterday.”
Yeonjun smiles. “I do think he's feeling a lot better again - I'm glad.”
When they walk hand in hand into the lobby, the angel tree - half bare now, where people have claimed children - seems to loom menacingly over Beomgyu. He wonders what his mother would say if he brought it up.
You never once bought us a Christmas present. They all came from the angel tree.
December 13-15
For the next few days, Beomgyu feels as if he's functioning on autopilot, not putting any real thought into anything he's doing.
He wakes up, goes to work, visits Kai, sleeps, and repeats. At home, his boyfriends do anything they can to try to pull him out of the slump he's in. Yeonjun brings home an entire strawberry tart from work. Soobin makes sure to run him a hot bath each night. Taehyun plays video games with him, despite not having a clue as to what he's doing.
Even Kai. Whenever he's at the hospital is the only time Beomgyu attempts to appear cheerful, but evidently, he hasn't been successful. Kai keeps creating Christmas themed origami made with construction paper from Sunghee, and giving it to Beomgyu each night before he leaves. Beomgyu now has a small collection of tiny stars, a wreath, and wonky snowflakes displayed on top of his dresser at home.
He appreciates their efforts. He really does. But he doesn't think his gloom is going anywhere anytime soon.
For once, Beomgyu is thankful for how busy work is due to the holidays, keeping his mind and body occupied for at least eight hours out of the day.
And when Hongjoong asks him to pull a couple of doubles, Beomgyu is even quick to say yes. Having the extra money won't hurt, either.
It's snowing once again when Beomgyu eventually gets off for the night. He has a photo from Kai, sent a couple hours earlier, a handful of origami snowflakes in his palm.
they're getting better!!
i'll see you tomorrow hyung <3
He does manage to put a smile on Beomgyu's face, his chest growing warm despite the chill of the night as he waits for his bus. Though he's not able to make it to the hospital tonight since he worked so late, he's off work tomorrow and will be spending all day with Kai.
With the heating on the bus being out, and then having to walk from his stop to the house, Beomgyu is thoroughly frozen by the time he gets home. He's looking forward to the hot bath Soobin has hopefully run for him.
When Beomgyu steps inside the house, he doesn't find it weird to see Yeonjun, cross legged on the floor, a tangled ball of Christmas lights in his hands. Not at first. Yeonjun swears under his breath as he pulls and twists at the bundle, making little progress as Beomgyu stands there and watches, suppressing the urge to giggle.
Then he notices someone has dragged out the Christmas tree, leaning against the wall. It's an old tree Taehyun's parents gave to them a couple years ago, and the box is pretty much close to disintegrating - held together by nothing but prayers and a shit ton of duct tape.
Beomgyu blinks, puzzled.
“What's going on, hyung?”
“These stupid fucking lights,” Yeonjun responds without really answering Beomgyu's question at all. “I don't know if I'll be able to untangle them.”
He says that every year, and yet, he somehow still manages it. Beomgyu would laugh - but he's still confused as to why they've pulled out the tree. Even more so when he notices their plastic tote of garland, ornaments and other decorations sitting by the kitchen doorway.
There's an ache growing in his stomach as he enters the kitchen, where Soobin and Taehyun are examining the pizza coupons they receive in the mail.
Soobin's face brightens when he notices Beomgyu. “Hey, bear - how was work?”
“It was okay.”
“You got home just in time, we're about to order pizza,” Taehyun tells him. “Though we wouldn't have forgotten your plain cheese, of course. Unless you're in the mood for pepperoni tonight?”
“Um, I don't know..”
A hoot comes from the living room, before Yeonjun appears, holding up the detangled strand of lights. “Got ‘em! Now when it's time for them to go back in storage, we have to make sure they stay this way.”
Something else he says every year, but never happens. Soobin giggles, and Taehyun's mouth twitches in amusement as he replies, “Yes, hyung, we will.”
Yeonjun nods, pleased. “Is the food ordered?”
“We were waiting to see what Beomgyu wants,” Soobin answers.
All three turn towards Beomgyu - who is still trying to process what he's walked into. Exactly why they've brought the tree out, why the lights have been detangled, why they're ordering pizza. The twisting in his stomach gets worse as he considers the one thing it could mean - they're wanting to put up the tree and decorate the house.
Without Kai here.
He shakes his head, disbelieving.
“I don't want anything,” he says. “I don't - I don't understand.”
Taehyun chuckles, albeit anxiously as he recognizes Beomgyu's growing distress, glancing at the other two.
Soobin speaks first. “We wanted to surprise you - cheer you up some.”
Yeonjun nods in agreement, wrapping an arm around Beomgyu's shoulder and pulling him in close to his side, hand rubbing at Beomgyu's arm. “Sorry, bear, we didn't know it would overwhelm you this much. We should have mentioned it first.”
“Yeah, you should've.” Beomgyu jerks away from Yeonjun's touch, taking a step back. “I thought we were waiting for Kai.”
“Hyung,” Taehyun gently says. “You know what he told us. He wants us to do this - to try to make Christmas as normal as possible.”
“We haven't forgotten about him.” Soobin's voice wobbles. “God knows, we haven't, and we wouldn't do it if he didn't want us to.”
Beomgyu looks back towards the living room, at the tree in its raggedy box, and tries to imagine actually doing this. Taking it out, putting it up, wrapping the garland around it and rummaging through their box of ornaments, selecting all the best ones to display on the tree. Listening to music, eating their pizza. Every year, the last thing they do is put the star on top, finalizing the decorating.
But he can't. He just can't.
He can't imagine them having a good time, decorating the tree and pretending like everything is okay, while Kai is stuck in a hospital room alone.
Yeonjun reaches out to him again. Beomgyu swats his hand away.
Soobin flinches.
“No,” Beomgyu snaps. “No! If we can't do it as five, then we're not doing it all!”
“Hyung, we wanted to wait, but Kai said -”
“I don't care!”
Soobin is sniffling, the pizza coupons crumbled into a ball in his hands. “I told - I told you guys this was a b-bad idea.”
Taehyun turns his attention towards Soobin, gently taking his hand and leading him out the room, followed by the sound of the bedroom door clicking shut. Beomgyu barely registers the muffled sobs, too pissed off right now to care about anything other than his anger.
Yeonjun remains, looking at Beomgyu wearily.
“You should go apologize to him.”
“Apologize?” Beomgyu repeats. “Me? When you guys are the ones who started this -”
“Beomgyu. You're upset, I get that. But you're being a dick.”
“I'm -”
“Christmas is in ten days - if we don't get the tree up anytime soon there's no point in doing it at all.”
Beomgyu shouts in frustration. “Fuck Christmas, hyung.”
The hurt that comes across Yeonjun's face has Beomgyu pausing for the first time, his mind racing and heart pounding as he realizes that maybe he is being an asshole.
He came home to his boyfriends trying to give him a fun night - and this is how he's acting? Hurting them, making Soobin cry, throwing a tantrum like he's a toddler?
Ungrateful and selfish.
Beomgyu starts to cry, wailing as he throws himself into Yeonjun's arms, causing the elder to stumble at the sudden movement.
“I'm sorry, hyung, I'm sorry -”
“Hey.” Yeonjun holds him close, cradles his head against his chest and presses a kiss into his hair. “It's okay.”
“No it's not, I am being a dick.”
Beomgyu doesn't know how long he cries, sobbing until his head throbs and his throat is sore. At some point, Yeonjun moves them onto the couch, and Beomgyu curls up in his lap like a baby, clinging onto Yeonjun like his life depends on it.
When he's eventually done, seemingly completely dried out, Taehyun appears with a glass of iced water that he presses against Beomgyu's lips, prompting him to open up and drink. Beomgyu welcomes it, chugging almost all of it in one go.
His voice is raspy. “I'm sorry, Taehyun-ah.”
“Apology accepted, hyung. We're sorry, too. We should have talked to you first and gotten your opinion before deciding to do anything.”
Yeonjun nods. “Because you're right - we are five. Leaving you out was wrong.”
“You didn't mean to.”
“Impact over intent.”
Beomgyu wipes at his eyes. He's so tired. “What about Soobin?”
“He's asleep,” Taehyun tells him, “but don't worry, alright? He's okay now.”
“He probably hates me.” And for good reason. Beomgyu thinks about the look on Soobin's face, the way his hands had trembled and his voice had shaken. Knowing Beomgyu himself was the cause of that has fresh tears threatening to spill out.
The last thing Beomgyu would ever want to do is hurt, or frighten, any one of his boyfriends. And yet.
“No he doesn't,” Yeonjun tells him. “He could never hate you, Beomgyu. None of us ever could.”
“We love you, bear.” Taehyun's own eyes are glistening.
It's a long night.
Beomgyu feels like he never truly falls asleep - just lightly dozes in and out of consciousness. While Taehyun goes to sleep with Soobin, Yeonjun stays with Beomgyu in the second bedroom, holding him in his arms for the entire night. Beomgyu isn't sure he sleeps, either. Every time he stirs, Yeonjun is awake, dotting a kiss or two on his face or gently shushing him.
By the time Beomgyu actually gets to sleep, he's woken back up by a stream of sunlight shining directly into his eyes.
He grumbles and nuzzles his face into Yeonjun's chest, trying to get rid of the light.
Then, Beomgyu's eyes fly open, because it's not Yeonjun.
Soobin stares back at him, the corners of his mouth pulling up in a hesitant smile, dimple just barely coming into view. “Good morning,” he says, quietly.
Beomgyu surges forward, smashing his lips against Soobin's - who emits a surprised gasp at the sudden affection.
But quickly, he melts into the kiss, pressing back with as much fervor and pushing his tongue past Beomgyu's lips to swipe at the inside of his mouth. Beomgyu whines. It's unfair how sweet Soobin tastes, even first thing in the morning before they've had time to brush their teeth.
They pull away, breathing mingling with each other, and Beomgyu snuggles himself as close as physically possible.
“I'm sorry, hyung,” he says, feeling the wetness on his lashes as he blinks. “I shouldn't have lashed out. Shouldn't have hurt you.”
Soobin shakes his head. “It wasn't just you,” he murmurs. “I was just - overwhelmed with a lot of things. I know you didn't mean it.”
“But impact over intent.”
That causes Soobin to smile. “Yeonjun-hyung?”
Beomgyu nods. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “Sometimes he actually makes sense.”
They laugh together, and already, Beomgyu feels a ton better.
December 16
Beomgyu gets to the hospital a little later than he had originally planned, arriving just after lunchtime. In his arms, he carries a beautiful bunch of poinsettias that Sunghee ooh-la-la’s at when she sees them.
Admittedly, though bringing Kai poinsettias and other festive decorations had been on his mind for a while, Beomgyu kept putting it off, because he's been dead set on Kai being home before Christmas. What happened last night has finally forced him to consider the very likely possibility that Kai will still be in the hospital.
Time won't stop for them. Christmas will still come, and festivities will still take place, even if there are families who will miss out on the presence of a sick loved one. Like their own.
This morning, before the four of them headed out to wherever they needed to be, they had a long discussion. An agreement was made - if Kai isn't home by the eighteenth, exactly a week before Christmas, then they'll put the tree up then and continue with whatever holiday activities as they usually do.
Beomgyu is relieved they were able to talk things out, and that he was forgiven for his behavior, but he would be lying if he said the decision still doesn't sting.
Kai's face lights up when he sees the poinsettias. He's curled up in the recliner chair, Switch in hand - which Beomgyu is happy to see. Kai had stopped playing for a while because he complained about the screen giving him headaches.
“Hyung, they're so pretty,” he gushes as Beomgyu sits the flowers on the windowsill.
Beomgyu smiles. “I figured it's about time to bring some holiday cheer in here. What you playing?”
Kai turns the screen for Beomgyu to see, showing off his snow-covered Animal Crossing world.
“I just got Sasha to move onto my island!”
They squeeze together in the recliner, and Beomgyu lets Kai take the lead, giving a tour of his island and the work he's managed to put into it since picking the game up yesterday. It's nice for Beomgyu to just switch his mind off for a bit and listen to Kai's rambling, and he's happy Kai seems to be feeling so well today.
Maybe Beomgyu finds it a bit too relaxing, because he ends up dozing off.
For a long time at that. When his eyes eventually begin to flutter open, he's shocked to see that outside, the sky has taken on the first hints of twilight.
Kai is still next to him, though his Switch has now been replaced by his phone. Beomgyu recognizes their group chat on the screen, and he blinks when he sees the picture Kai sent through. The two of them in the chair, his head on Kai's shoulder, a visible wet spot on his shirt from where he'd be drooling.
tyuns
brb adding a bib to my shopping list
yawnnie
lololol
baby bear is too cute
soob
aww
i'm glad he's resting
yawnnie
same
sleep well beomie ><
Beomgyu whines, nuzzling his face into Kai as the younger man laughs.
“Sorry, hyung, I couldn't resist. You really did look so cute.”
“I didn't mean to sleep for so long.”
“It's alright - sounds like you needed it. You didn't sleep that well last night?”
Beomgyu sighs. “Not really.”
He's reluctant to explain why he didn't - everything that had happened last night, the awful behavior he'd displayed and how much he made Soobin cry. Beomgyu knows things are fine now with their other three, but now he doesn't want Kai to get upset with him.
But he takes a deep breath, and recounts it all anyway.
Kai remains quiet as Beomgyu tells him, only humming and nodding here and there, but he doesn't seem to become upset, fingertips traces idle patterns on Beomgyu's arms as he listens. It encourages Beomgyu to keep talking.
Once he's done, Kai says something that had never even crossed Beomgyu's mind, not once.
“I feel like I'm at fault here.”
Beomgyu blinks, rapidly shaking his head. “How? When you literally weren't even there?”
“I know, but…I did tell them it was alright to do the tree,” he admits. “I didn't realize they hadn't discussed it with you, though.”
“I can see both sides,” Kai continues. “I understand they were trying to cheer you up. And they're ready to get on with Christmas, try to have it as normal as possible. I get it. But I can see your point of view too. You weren't ready, and you felt slighted.”
“I shouldn't have reacted like that, though. I was being selfish.”
“You shouldn't,” Kai agrees, “but you recognized that and apologized.. I promise you're far from being a bad person, hyung. And selfish is not even in the top one hundred words I'd use to describe you. Not even top one thousand.”
Beomgyu doesn't realize just how much he needs the reassurance until Kai says it. He exhales, the breath coming out shaky, willing himself to not cry yet again. It seems he's done so much of that lately.
“You really don’t think I'm selfish?”
“Definitely not, bear.”
Beomgyu doesn't know if he completely believes it just yet, but nonetheless, a heavy weight seems to lift off his shoulders. He didn't realize just how much he'd been holding onto those words for the past couple of days.
Ungrateful. Selfish.
Kai's hand reaches to brush a few strands of hair out of Beomgyu's face. Back when Beomgyu's hair was long, Kai - who knows how to braid, thanks to growing up with two sisters - would always put it in pretty braids when he needed something to do with his hands. He'd been the saddest when Beomgyu cut it. Maybe he'll think about growing it out again.
Kai's palm is warm against Beomgyu's face as he caresses his cheek, thumb smoothing over the skin there.
Beomgyu doesn't miss the way Kai's tongue briefly darts out in between lips, an adorable habit they all know and love, something he does when he wants to kiss.
So that's what Beomgyu does. He leans in, Kai quickly following his lead, their mouths meeting in the middle. It's a bit tricky, finding a more comfortable position that doesn't disturb the tubing in Kai's nose, but they make it work.
We always do. Taehyun's words, from what feels like many moons ago now, ring through Beomgyu's mind.
Beomgyu can't help the soft gasps he lets out when Kai starts moving away from his mouth, inching towards his jaw, and down his neck, each little kiss and nibble sending sparks of pleasure down Beomgyu's spine.
And he definitely can't stop the moan he emits when Kai latches onto the skin of his neck and gently sucks.
“Kai,” Beomgyu says, his eyes glancing towards the door. Anyone could walk in - a nurse doing her rounds, a phlebotomist taking blood, poor Sunghee passing out chocolate - and see them. “Here?”
Kai answers by sucking harder, pulling a sharp gasp from Beomgyu. He's definitely going to leave a mark.
He ends up doing that several times, leaving marks along Beomgyu's neck and jawline. With each one, Beomgyu becomes less and less concerned at the possibility of someone walking in on them, and more focused on how good Kai is making him feel. His hand has found its way underneath Beomgyu's sweater, slowly creeping up until his fingers brush over a nipple, lightly pinching.
Beomgyu arches into the touch.
“Ah, Kai, Kai,” he whimpers, trying to remain mindful of where they're at and not make too much noise.
Kai pulls away, blinking at Beomgyu almost innocently - though his blown out pupils give away his true intent. His lips are deliciously swollen, glistening with spit, his cheeks dusted pink. Then Beomgyu's eyes go towards the now lopsided cannula in his nose, which he quickly readjusts.
“Someone might come in.”
“Then you'll just have to be quiet.”
Yet, as Kai says it, he gives Beomgyu's nipple another pinch, rolling it in between fingertips, causing Beomgyu to moan - not very quietly at all.
He gasps. “You little shit -”
Kai slides his hand out from underneath Beomgyu's sweater, but before Beomgyu can breathe a sigh of relief, it gets worse.
Kai's hand only goes lower, cupping Beomgyu's half hard cock through his jeans, palm pressing against it as he begins to grind down.
This time, Beomgyu does manage to slap a hand against his mouth before he moans, hips jutting forward to meet Kai's touch, his cock gradually growing to complete hardness and straining against the fabric of his jeans. With everything going on, it's been a while since any of them have found the time to be intimate, but especially with Kai. Beomgyu hadn't realized just how much he's missed it until now.
“Ah, fuck, ah, Kai -” Beomgyu's voice is muffled against his hand.
Kai giggles, and it drives Beomgyu insane, how he always puts on this cute, innocent act even when he's unraveling one of his hyungs.
“Feels good, bear?”
“Yes, fuck yes.”
Kai hums, pulling Beomgyu's hand away from his mouth and replacing it with his lips instead, shoving his tongue into Beomgyu's mouth and swallowing down each little moan and gasp he lets out. Kai's hand clumsily undos the zipper on Beomgyu's jeans, pushing the waistband down and tugging Beomgyu's aching, leaking cock out of its confines.
Beomgyu breaks away, breathless, groaning as Kai palms the tip of his dick, gathering enough precum to start slowly pumping up and down the length.
“What if someone does see us, hyung?” Kai whispers, Beomgyu feeling the warmth of his breath ghosting across his face. “See you, all wide eyed and flushed -”
Beomgyu's hips jerk, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he bites back a moan.
“Kai…”
“I knew you liked the idea,” Kai smirks. “You want someone to see.”
Beomgyu tries to shake his head, but the rapidly building pleasure is making it hard for him to do anything but thrust his hips in tandem with Kai's strokes, and pant like some kind of pathetic little dog.
“Fuck,” he swears, hand shooting out to grab onto Kai. “I'm cl-close, fuck, I'm -”
Kai picks up the pace, all the precum producing a nasty squelching noise that fills the room. “Come for me, hyung.”
Beomgyu does, letting out a shout that at least one person had to have heard, but at this moment, he doesn't care. All he cares about is the waves of pleasure crashing through him, painting Kai's hand with ropes of white.
As Beomgyu catches his breath, he collapses against Kai, foreheads pressed together. It's quiet, other than his panting, Kai giving him time to come down from his high.
Beomgyu can't help but notice Kai's own bulge straining in his sweatpants.
“Let me help you,” he says quietly, hand reaching to undo the tie.
Kai lets him. He whimpers when Beomgyu's hand wraps around him and pulls his cock out, pulsing and leaking.
When it comes to intimacy, all of Beomgyu's boyfriends have something about them that he loves, and Kai's is how fucking wet he gets, an excessive amount of precum almost flowing. Something he used to be insecure about, but Beomgyu has always been quick to reassure Kai he absolutely loves it.
He gathers some of it on his hand, coating his palm, and wraps his fingers around Kai's cock. “You got this wet just from jerking me off, love?”
Kai moans, head falling against Beomgyu's shoulder as Beomgyu works his way up and down.
“You made hyung feel so good.” Beomgyu plants a kiss in his hair. “It's only fair that I return the favor. Wish it was different, though. Wish I had you home, in bed, pinned underneath me as I take my time fucking you.”
Kai's entire body shudders. “Yes,” he breathes. “Yes, hyung, want it -”
“Me too. You always take me so beautifully, Kai - you take all your hyungs so well,” Beomgyu whispers. “We'll all take turns, each have our way - reduce you into a such a mess -”
Quite suddenly, Kai cries out, cock spurting streaks of come on his shirt and Beomgyu's hand. Beomgyu slowly strokes him through it, whispering sweet nothings in Kai's ear as he rides out the aftershocks. The cannula is once again askew, nearly hanging off Kai's face, and Beomgyu puts it back into place.
That may be why it takes a while for his breathing to even out, Beomgyu trying not to worry as Kai continues to pant, wondering if they've made a mistake in doing something like this when Kai is very much still not well.
But eventually, Kai catches his breath, and he pulls back to cutely blink at Beomgyu.
“Good?” Beomgyu smiles, and Kai nods.
“That's the most normal I've felt in weeks.”
Beomgyu grabs a couple of damp paper towels to clean themselves up with, and as soon as they're finished, dietary knocks on the door with dinner. It makes Beomgyu shudder at just how close they were to being caught - though he cannot lie at how much the thought excites him as well. They're going to have to do more things like this in the future.
And Beomgyu keeps thinking about what Kai said, how it's the most normal he's felt in a while, and that alone makes Beomgyu happy for indulging him.
December 17
Martin ends up loving his Secret Santa gift, ripping the sparkling, green wrapping paper - courtesy of Soobin - with an elated shout once he realizes what it is.
“Juhoon, it was you!” he yells. Juhoon only blinks, confused, and shakes his head.
“I had Yoonchae.”
“Then who was it??”
Beomgyu silently smirks as he watches the scene unfold, sipping on the fruit punch Hongjoong had brought in. He holds his own present in his hand - a pair of fuzzy socks with various cartoon bear faces. Truthfully, he has no idea who his Santa is, but he admires that they've somehow picked up on his representative animal. Curious, too, because his boyfriends are the only ones who actually call him bear.
Martin is making his way around to everyone, dying to figure out who his Santa is. Beomgyu can't say he's ever been super fond of the kid, given he drives Beomgyu crazy every time they work together, but there's still something heartwarming about being able to give him something he truly wanted.
Beomgyu remembers being sixteen, and how desperately he wished to be seen in such a way.
Beomgyu's not actually working today, only here for the exchange and the little ‘party’ they have going on - nibbling on various prepackaged snacks and sweets from the grocery store. Usually, he'd be bitching up a storm about having to trudge into work on an off day, but he's still in an exceptionally good mood from the night before.
Maybe that's really what he's been needing all month - a good orgasm.
The thought makes him giggle to himself, making a mess of crumbs with the sugar cookie he'd just been eating.
Beomgyu straightens himself out, though, as he sees Martin coming straight at him.
“Hyung,” he says, waving the vinyl, “I've asked everyone else and they all said no - did you get me this?”
Beomgyu shrugs.
“It's a secret, isn't it?”
Martin rolls his eyes. “I got your socks!” he offers.
“Really?” Beomgyu blinks in surprise - out of all his coworkers, he suspected Martin the least. “How'd you know about the bear thing?”
“I saw your bear keychain and figured they were your favorite animal or something,” Martin answers. “Sorry it's not much - my dad got laid off from his job this year, so it's just been…”
He trails off, awkwardly scratching at his neck, but he doesn't have to say anything more. Beomgyu understands all too well, and instantly, his heart softens.
“No, I love them - for real,” he says, smiling at how Martin's face brightens. “And I did get you the vinyl.”
Martin hoots, throwing his arms around Beomgyu in a smothering hug. Maybe he's not such a bad kid after all.
It's not until Beomgyu heads out about half an hour later, pulling his phone out his pocket for the first time since he arrived, when he sees the several missed calls he has from Yeonjun - who, along with Taehyun, went to visit Kai today.
Beomgyu's heart drops.
Don't panic, he tells himself, but he already is. His hands are shaking so bad he types the passcode wrong four times before he's finally able to unlock his phone and call Yeonjun back.
Every ring feels like an eternity, and it seems like it takes forever for Yeonjun to answer. Beomgyu screws his eyes shut and pleads for him to pick up, for everything to be alright -
“Hello?”
Beomgyu exhales, not realizing he'd been holding his breath.
“Hyung, what's wrong?” he asks shakily. “Is Kai okay?”
“He's fine, bear - sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out,” Yeonjun says, and the relief Beomgyu feels is immense, but short-lived. “but he has something to tell us.”
Yeonjun explains that while he and Taehyun were downstairs grabbing breakfast from the cafeteria, Dr. Jo visited Kai. Whatever it is that was said is something that Kai wants to relay to all four of them at the same time.
“Soobin's already on his way,” he says. “I know you're at your party -”
“No, I was just leaving,” Beomgyu interrupts, borderline sprinting down the street towards the bus stop. His mind is racing, heart is pounding, a sense of dread coursing through him. “I'm coming right now.”
Yeonjun exhales. “Okay, okay. And one last thing - just stay calm, alright? Kai said it's nothing worth panicking over. It's just.. important.”
It's for sure easier said than done. Beomgyu spends the entire bus ride focusing on deeply breathing in and out, trying not to allow his mind to race, to jump to conclusions. Kai saying it's nothing to panic over doesn't really do much for Beomgyu - because he knows how Kai is, often downplaying the severity of his symptoms and illness in order to not worry the rest of them.
But Beomgyu hopes and prays that this time, Kai is being truthful.
Once he arrives, Beomgyu doesn't even bother waiting on the elevator, instead going up the stairs two at a time, hurriedly saying hello to Sunghee before he heads down to room 313.
Soobin has already arrived, looking just as frazzled as Beomgyu feels. Yeonjun is anxiously chewing on his bottom lip, and Taehyun gently rocks back and forth in the chair he's sitting in. Kai, in his recliner, looks completely fine, smiling wearily at Beomgyu when he walks in.
“Didn't I say not to panic?” he asks.
“How could we not?” Soobin says. “What's so bad - so bad I had to leave work early -?”
His voice wobbles. Beomgyu gently takes his arm, and guides him until they're both sitting on the edge of the bed. Yeonjun takes the other plastic chair, forming a little circle that's very much similar to the one on Soobin's birthday.
His birthday - less than two weeks ago now, but it feels like Beomgyu has lived several lifetimes since then.
“It is bad, isn't it?” Taehyun speaks.
“A little bit.”
Yeonjun runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck -”
“I'm fine, hyung,” Kai insists. “I'm not dying, okay? I know that's what everyone's thinking.”
“Pretty much,” Beomgyu mumbles, attempting to bring some kind of humor into the conversation, but it falls flat even to him.
“But I'm not getting much better than this, either. They haven't been able to completely wean me off oxygen since my second ICU visit. They don't… they don't know if I'll ever be able to breathe anytime soon.”
It's dead silent as the words sink into each of them, eyes wide and breaths held as they process what they've just been told.
Beomgyu doesn't understand, and it makes him angry.
Hasn't the point of Kai being in the hospital for nearly a month been to build the strength in his lungs back up, to help him get to a point where he can breathe? Haven't they all held out hope that he would get to that point?
And now it's been ripped away from them - but especially from Kai.
Beomgyu knows he's not actually upset at the hospital or any of Kai's medical team - he's more upset at life itself, for dealing such unfair cards. To Kai of all people. Gentle, kindhearted, selfless Kai.
He dabs at the corners of his eyes with his fingertips. Soobin's arm wraps around him tightly, drawing Beomgyu close to his side.
“So what does this mean, exactly?” Yeonjun eventually breaks the silence. “You have to just stay here? For how long?”
Kai shakes his head. “No,” he says, and surprisingly, his mouth curls into a slight smile. “No - there's actually some good news, too. I'm going home tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow??” Soobin repeats at the same time Taehyun exclaims, “What?!”
Beomgyu blinks trying to make sense of it all. “How can you go home tomorrow if…?”
“They want to start me on at-home oxygen.”
They fall quiet once again. Beomgyu takes a deep breath, feeling almost dizzy from the whirlwind of various emotions he's felt in just a few minutes. The idea of Kai having to be on oxygen at home is daunting. Already, Beomgyu has a slew of questions and concerns, all boiling down to one thing - how is this going to affect their daily life?
Immediately, Beomgyu answers his own question.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what's going to change or what's going to be different. The most important thing - in each of their eyes, no doubt - is Kai's health and comfort. If home oxygen is what's going to improve his quality of life, then they'll all do whatever. Whatever medical equipment that's needed, routine, changes at home, anything.
As long as Kai is back at home with them, happy and living.
“That's not so bad,” Taehyun says, and they all murmur in agreement. Beomgyu can't help but smile, how they've seemingly all come to the same conclusion, without needing any words.
“I could be worse,” Kai agrees, his eyes beginning to shine. “I know it's still not ideal, either, but… I miss being home.”
“We miss having you home,” Soobin is quick to tell him.
And if they were already home, Beomgyu knows this is when they'd all climb into one of the beds together and become a big cuddle pile - one of Kai's favorite things to do, especially whenever he's upset.
But for now, they make do. Taehyun squishes himself in the chair with Kai, and they all huddle in as close as possible - Yeonjun taking Kai's hand, Beomgyu reaching over to lay his own hand across Kai's knee. Soobin can't quite reach him, but he manages to poke a socked toe, which draws a smile on Kai's face even as he quietly sniffles.
Not much more is said - not at the moment. There will be plenty of time for questions and concerns and discussions later on.
For now, they simply just be.
December 18
Kai is discharged the next evening.
Beomgyu has to pinch himself, walking alongside a nurse aide as she pushes Kai downstairs in a wheelchair, in order to make sure he isn't dreaming. They wave goodbye to all the familiar faces - especially Sunghee, whose eyes water as she bids farewell to her favorite patient, as she says.
No more walking these halls. No more cafeteria meals, or vending machine runs, the beeping of monitors. No more angel tree - Beomgyu barely looks at it as they walk by, only noticing the few angels still left. As Yeonjun had once said, maybe it would be fun to claim one or two in the future.
Yeonjun has the car pulled around to the front. Soobin and Taehyun stayed behind at home, not wanting to crowd the car too much.
“Would it be easier if you were in the front or back?” Beomgyu asks.
“Let's try back? So there's more room for the…”
The oxygen tank they're bringing along is bulky, and none of them are used to maneuvering it around just yet. There's a few more being delivered tomorrow, then they'll switch to an actual oxygen machine whenever they're able to pick that up - hopefully early next week. It'll make life for Kai a lot easier than relying solely on tanks.
The aide helps Kai get in, while Yeonjun throws his bags in the trunk of the car. His teddy bear stays out - acting as a fourth passenger in the backseat.
And then they're off.
It doesn't feel real. Beomgyu watches in the rearview mirror as the hospital grows tinier, and then disappears altogether. His anxiety grows, twisting in his spot in the front seat to look back at Kai, who stares out the window with wide eyes. It's been weeks since he's been outside.
“How are you feeling?” Beomgyu worries. “Breathing okay?”
Kai smiles. “Yeah, hyung, I'm great,” he answers, tapping on the tubing in his nose. “It's just like at the hospital - don't worry.”
“Let us know if something doesn't feel right, though,” Yeonjun says. “Like right away. Don't keep it to yourself.”
“I will, hyung.”
Beomgyu has to giggle at the exasperated tone to Kai's voice. He's been out for ten minutes and he's already getting sick of them and their worrying.
When they step inside the house, they're greeted with a few pitifully blown balloons and Soobin holding up a handwritten sign that says WELCOME HOME KIA. Taehyun blows on a party horn, his other hand balancing a small chocolate cake that came from the grocery store he works at. They both wear matching plastic neon orange sunglasses.
“This is all we had time to do on short notice,” Taehyun defends as Beomgyu almost doubles over from laughing at how ridiculous they look.
Yeonjun takes the sign out of Soobin's hands, flipping it over for him to read. “Who the hell is ‘Kia’?” he teases.
“Ah - I was writing too fast!” Soobin whines.
Kai giggles, embracing the two of them.
“I appreciate it, hyung, Tyunnie - thank you.”
It's a bit of an odd evening, because none of them know just exactly what to do with themselves, taking some more to settle back into their old routines - with the addition of an oxygen tank.
Even still, it's an indescribable feeling to finally have Kai back home. He and Beomgyu spend a lot of time just cuddling on the couch, and Beomgyu still can't believe he's here. Actually here. None of them can. They each get teary eyed at some point, overwhelmed with their emotions.
Kai looks at the tree, still in its box, where they've left it since that night.
“Can we do the tree tomorrow?”
Beomgyu looks at him. “Will you feel up to it?” he asks.
“Yeah, Kai, you can't overexert yourself,” Yeonjun adds.
Kai sighs, rolling his eyes - albeit fondly. “I'll be fine,” he says. “It's not even that physically taxing. Christmas is only a week away - not much time is left.”
They all glance around at each other, silently communicating as they often do, and eventually, Soobin shrugs.
“Let's do it.”
December 19
Beomgyu is buzzing with excitement when he gets off his shift the next evening.
It's snowing again, thick, white flakes slowly drifting down from the sky. He watches them dreamily, hand cupping his chin as he stares out the bus window. Tonight, all the lights and decorations seem to be extra bright. When they pass by houses, the lights from their Christmas trees twinkling in the windows, it makes Beomgyu feel good knowing their house will be joining them soon.
He runs up their walkway, feet slipping, happily giggling to himself. He's feeling childish in the best way possible.
When he walks into the house, he's greeted by the smell of pizza and the sound of Last Christmas playing from Yeonjun's speaker.
“Bear!” Taehyun wraps his arms around Beomgyu's middle, lifting his feet off the ground as he twirls him around. His eyes are the brightest they've been in weeks, his smile so wide it threatens to split his face into two.
Kai laughs as he watches them, one of the sections of the tree in his hands as he separates the branches.
Yeonjun comes from the kitchen, a glass of wine in hand that he sips on with amusement. “Soobin should be here soon, too.”
By the time Beomgyu sheds his work clothes and gets into something more comfortable, Soobin arrives, receiving the same greeting from Taehyun - who almost stumbles into the floor lamp, earning a playful scolding from Yeonjun.
“We don't need any of us back in the hospital!”
They're all drunk on giddiness - and maybe the wine and beer they continuously sip on in between nibbles of pizza and breadsticks.
It might also be the reason why it takes forever to get the tree put together and for the actual decorating to start, but Beomgyu doesn't mind taking their time. It's felt like they've had such a limited amount of it recently, trying to make the most out of every second, so it's nice to be slowing down now.
Beomgyu tries not to worry out loud, in order to not annoy Kai too much, but he does keep an eye on their youngest, looking for any signs of discomfort or breathlessness, but he seems to be okay.
Their ornaments are a mismatched assortment, handed down to them from a few of their families, which only adds to the charm of the tree.
And when it comes time to put the star on top, there's no question as to who should do it this year.
Soobin hands it over to Kai, who takes it with a heart-shaped grin.
“Words can't describe how happy we are that you're here, with us,” Soobin tells him, pulling his wobbling bottom lip in between his teeth. Taehyun coos at him.
Kai turns the star over in his hands. It's silver, chipped in a couple places, but the imperfections are barely visible once it's on top of the tree. He seems to hesitate, glancing up, then around to each of his boyfriends.
“Actually, can I nominate someone else?”
Yeonjun nods. “Whatever you want, baby.”
Imagine Beomgyu's surprise when Kai turns, and holds the star towards him.
“Me?!” he exclaims, taking hold of it. “But why? Are you sure you don't want to do it?”
“I know how important this moment is to you, hyung,” Kai tells him, taking his hand. “How hard you wished for this to come true. You deserve it.”
Beomgyu looks around at everyone, gaging their reaction, receiving nods of approval and smiles of encouragement.
“Go on, bear,” Taehyun says.
Beomgyu could cry.
But he manages to hold his tears in as he balances the star on top. It's not a tall tree at all, just six feet, but he stands on his tiptoes anyway for a dramatic effect, his other hand never leaving Kai's.
It's only when they all step back to admire the completed tree, Beomgyu begins to bawl. He buries himself against Kai's chest and just wordlessly cries.
The other three surround them, arms tangling together into a giant hug, hands petting his hair and smoothing along his back.
Beomgyu isn't sad, though. Far from it.
He's the happiest he's ever been.