Chapter Text
Soobin is bouncing on the tips of his feet.
The train station around him is busy with the bustle of the start of winter break. There are some families waiting bundled up in coats and scarves, young people waiting with flowers or small bags from one of the bakeries in the city centre, couples hugging in the opposite side of the platform, where a train just arrived.
Soobin has always liked Christmas: he likes strawberry shortcake, he likes the lights, he likes exchanging gifts with his friends, and he especially likes how there's no school for winter break. He thinks he's never been this excited for Christmas before, though.
He's also nervous, and he's not too sure why. It's just Yeonjun. His best friend for as long as he remembers, the boy he used to cycle to school with every day, who used to wait for him after cram school so they could go get snacks in the convenience store. The boy he's spent more hours than he can count building blanket forts with, playing video games, sitting in the park and chatting. The boy who fed him all the disastrous attempts at cooking when he was practising for living alone in university, who shared with him how scared he was to move away from his family, who confessed he wasn't sure what career he wanted to pursue. It's just his Yeonjun.
Then again, it's also the boy he's had a crush on for the past year, the boy who made him realise he likes boys. The boy who has the most beautiful smile Soobin has ever seen, the boy Soobin really likes to annoy to get him to pout, the boy who can't wink to save his life but does it anyway because it makes Soobin laugh. The boy he really wants to confess to during winter break.
So, yeah, the nerves check out, actually.
The KTX finally makes it into the platform, and Soobin's bouncing stops, all his energy used in scanning over all the people that are pouring out of the train doors. His hyung has dark hair, which makes him hard to spot, but he's also quite tall, which should make him easier to see.
"Soobin-ah!" he hears, suddenly, and he whips around his head toward the voice.
"Yeonjunie-hyung!" he all but screeches, and then they're hugging, Yeonjun's warm body wrapped around his, his giggle in his ear. He still smells the same -- woodsy and a bit floral, and Soobin is embarrassed that he finds himself inhaling deeply. He pushes Yeonjun off first, frowning as he takes in the older. He looks taller, thinner, more defined. His chest is broader underneath his nice wool coat. His hair is dyed a golden shade of brown. "You dyed your hair!" he says, sputtering. He tries not to pout, but he knows he's failed when Yeonjun reaches out and squishes his cheeks, making him mumble, "I was looking for someone with dark hair getting off the train!"
Yeonjun laughs, letting go of Soobin's face and leaning forward to ruffle his dark, undyed, messy hair instead. "I got it done a couple of days ago! Do you like it?" he asks, getting his own fingers tangled in the strands, pushing them back before reaching into his oversized shoulder bag to fish out a beanie.
Soobin nods. Yeonjun looks good blonde. Then again, he does look good in anything, so it's not really much of a special occasion. But he does look good like this, with his fancy coat that Soobin doesn't remember seeing before, his jawline more defined, his tousled blonde hair peeking under the beanie. He looks older, more mature, more elegant. A big city boy, now. The same, but not quite.
Yeonjun is looking at him with a soft, small smile in his lips. "You look the same," he says, a gentleness in his voice that doesn't come up often. It does something to Soobin's chest. It makes him feel small.
He smiles back, a bit tightly. "You look the same too," he lies.
They start walking toward the door to the station, Soobin next to the older, his hands in his pockets. Yeonjun had vehemently refused to let him help with his suitcase, so there isn't that much for him to do other than basking in the older's company.
Outside, the sky is a pale winter blue, and the condensation forms clouds of steam when they breathe out the icy air. There are some Christmas decorations in the shop windows that line the street, Santa stickers on the glass and Christmas trees in the cafe terraces.
"You didn't have to come pick me up," Yeonjun says, a little distracted, after taking a peek at his phone screen and sliding the device back into his pocket. "I still remember the way home, you know."
Soobin smiles softly. "Maybe it doesn't remember you back. It's been a while."
Yeonjun looks at him, a bit taken aback, before laughing. "It's only been a few months, Soobin-ah."
A few months too many, if you ask him. But that's neither here nor there.
"Tell me about it," Soobin requests. "I want to hear everything about your first term in college."
They're standing at the traffic light, and Yeonjun checks his phone again. Soobin does his best to not sneak a peek at the older's screen. "It was great," Yeonjun replies. "Classes are super interesting, which is amazing. I was very scared of choosing the wrong degree, you know that. I need to drop by Hyunwoo-seonsaengnim's clinic at some point, thank him for letting me shadow him during summer. I think it made a huge difference."
Soobin hums, thoughtful. He remembers how stressed Yeonjun was, so anxious to wait until the university autumn admission rounds but simultaneously too worried to apply before he was ready and make the wrong decision. "And the people? You barely speak of your friends when we call."
They haven't been able to call as much as they said they would, too. Yeonjun is super busy with his classes, practicals, extracurriculars and making friends, which is understandable, and Soobin is in his last year of high school and preparing for the college entrance exam, so it's safe to say the pressure on him is starting to crush him a little, so he's had little to no free time, either.
"I met nice people," Yeonjun says. "A couple of my classmates are okay, and I'm quite close to half the dance team."
"That's good," Soobin says. He waits for a couple of seconds, half expecting Yeonjun to continue speaking, but nothing comes. It's a bit jarring, unexpected. Yeonjun has always been chatty, and Soobin assumed that now that they were both on winter break, the older would make the most of their time together to tell him about his life in university, without the interruptions that plagued their video calls: his parents dropping by to tell Soobin to go to sleep, Yeonjun's friends knocking on his door to take him away, that one time Yeonjun literally fell asleep, too exhausted to function, while Soobin recounted a story from taekwondo practise.
The wheels of Yeonjun's suitcase clatter against the ground when he has to take a detour to avoid dunking the bag into a puddle.
"And... are you excited to be back?"
Yeonjun looks at Soobin and smiles, a bright, gleeful one, and suddenly, all is well again. Soobin smiles back.
"Of course I am! I can't wait to have my mum's galbitang. And sleep in my own bed. I am actually exhausted. It's been crazy busy the past few months, I feel like I would blink and a week would have gone by, and yet I hadn't finished half the things on my list."
Soobin chuckles. Yeonjun's gaze turns tender, and he reaches to pinch Soobin's cheek. "And now I get to spend time with you, too. The non-pixelated version that I can tickle all I want," he adds, suddenly reaching down and poking his fingers into Soobin's side, making him jump and get out of the way, squawking in laughter, chest warm like a furnace even though the ground beneath their feet is crunching with ice.
Yeonjun checks his phone once again as they approach the corner of the road where their houses sit, side by side. There's barely any traffic here, so the ground is still covered in ice, only the two tracks on the middle of the road showing that someone passed through. The tree on the side of the fence to Yeonjun's house will remain bare of leaves and dry until the spring, but Soobin can only imagine how homely its sight must feel for Yeonjun.
"And... we're here," he jokes, gesturing toward the houses like a tourist guide.
Yeonjun is standing in place a couple of steps behind him, lips pursed as he stares at his childhood home.
"This feels weird," he says, and it doesn't sound as gleeful as Soobin would have thought. "It looks the same. Like nothing has changed."
Soobin's breath catches in his throat. Nothing has changed. Or, well, it had changed when Yeonjun moved to Seoul, but now he's back, and the world can keep on turning the way it always has.
"Same old Chuncheon," he replies, to say something. It seems to shake Yeonjun out of his stupor, and the older takes the last couple of steps that separate them. They're standing face to face, now, Yeonjun's suitcase is between them, but Yeonjun is looking at him with such intensity that Soobin is glad the physical barrier is there. "You too," Yeonjun says, reaching forward to push Soobin's bangs off his forehead. "Still the same Soobin."
He says it as a tease, Soobin knows. But something cracks inside him, anyway. "Yeah," he says. "Still the same Soobin."
He wonders if it's Yeonjun that has changed.
---
Yeonjun comes by after dinner. He looks so happy, Soobin's parents greeting him like a prodigal son, Tori jumping into his lap and barking excitedly as she licks all over his face as Yeonjun kneels on the floor to greet her and giggles.
Soobin grabs a coat and a scarf, a thick puffer jacket that reaches down to his knees. He pulls on a knitted hat, pulling it down to cover his ears, and kneels down next to Yeonjun, getting his hands in Tori's fur and pinching her cheeks. "Did you miss Yeonjunnie?" he asks with a baby voice, making Yeonjun laugh. "Come on, you'll see him again tomorrow, let him go," he adds, rubbing her belly.
Yeonjun stands up after patting the dog gently. He's still wearing his own coat, which he zips back up before grabbing Soobin's wrist. His touch sends sparks up Soobin's arm, feeling the warmth of the older's hand even through the fabric of his gloves. "Come on Binnie-yah, let's go," he says, pulling at him.
"Stop whining, hyung," Soobin giggles, but he still lets Yeonjun pull him to his feet. "You sound like there are no convenience stores in Seoul."
Yeonjun smiles. "There are no Soobins in Seoul," he corrects, teasingly, but it makes Soobin's chest go all warm. "Come on, I want to see if they've upgraded the ramyeon selection."
It's even colder than Soobin thought outside. The ground is covered in a thin layer of ice again, and he has half a mind to reach over and hold Yeonjun's hand, for support, obviously, but he stops himself and slides his gloved hands inside his pockets.
He had dinner with his family a while ago, but there's something so comforting about going to the convenience store with Yeonjun and having some snacks, just like they used to do when leaving cram school only a few months ago. Even if Soobin is not sure the feeling in his toes will fully return ever again, he's feeling happier than he has all month.
It's not only because Yeonjun hasn't been here: he's also extremely stressed because of school, his teachers mentioning the entrance exam and university applications at least once every hour, cram school tiring him out so much he's passed out in his uniform on several occasions already, and all in all barely having the time to even think about the future like his teachers keep insisting he should be doing. He has a pretty clear idea, anyway: he's wanted to become an architect ever since he was a kid, using Yeonjun's lego Hogwarts castle pieces to build houses instead, learning to use Cad through YouTube videos, taking drawing classes as an extracurricular. But he hasn't started applying to things yet, hasn't thought much about his portfolio, hasn't really looked much at the different programmes on offer at different universities to decide where he wants to go next.
A part of him wants to stop thinking about it and just follow Yeonjun to Seoul.
Yeonjun reminisces on their way to the store. "You sound like a grandpa, hyung," Soobin jokes when Yeonjun starts his third story with remember when... He gets smacked on the shoulder in response.
"Yah, respect your elders," the elder in question says with a childish pout. Soobin reaches forward and pokes his nose. Yeonjun's pout deepens, lips pink under the red tip of his nose, all flushed in the cold night air.
They settle in their favourite table in the convenience store, right at the corner where they san see the street and the people walking around. There's a small Christmas tree by the window, some tinsel hanging from the ceiling, clashing with the fluorescent lights. They could have gone somewhere prettier, Soobin supposes. A real dinner at a real restaurant, not late evening ramyeon. This place has sentimental value, he guesses.
Yeonjun still looks angry when he's enjoying his food, demolishing his pot of noodles in astonishing speed, even though Soobin is absolutely certain that Yeonjun's family had prepared a big welcome dinner of his favourite dishes. His mum had been so happy he was coming back, she was telling everyone in the neighbourhood. So proud of her son, studying to become a physiotherapist at SNU, so happy he was coming back for winter break to spend time with his family.
Yeonjun looks thinner, too, his jaw and cheekbones more defined. He just knows Yeonjun's mum put extra food on his plate just for that, even if it's just the last remnants of baby fat that's gone, giving way to more mature features.
He looks good. He looks so good, even when he's loudly slurping noodles into his mouth, lips plush and stained red with spicy sauce, blonde fringe falling over his forehead and covering his eyebrows.
"Wow," Soobin teases, "with the way you're inhaling that, anyone would think ramyeon in Seoul tastes worse than here."
Yeonjun laughs. "You'll have to come visit and see for yourself" he says. "I want to show you so many places! There's my uni, of course, but I've also found a lot of small restaurants around. There's this friend chicken place that... I swear, best thing I've had in my life," he says, actually moaning. Soobin attempts to ignore the sound and rests his chin on his hands, elbows on the table top, his own tteokbokki forgotten to the side.
"Yeah?"
Yeonjun hums in assent, mouth full. "There's also all the food markets. And the shops, the shops there are so much cooler than here! There's also Lotte world, we have to go there when you visit. And we should also go the palaces, take some photos for our parents."
Soobin can feel his cheeks heating up, not only from how warm the inside of the convenience store is compared to the outside. He's smiling, too. "Im going to need to go who a whole week, if there's so much you want to take me to."
Soobin can imagine it already. Yeonjun and him, on a cosy evening walk around Bukchon village, chatting and laughing. Going to a night food market and sharing all the food so they can taste as many things as possible. Trying out clothes in a small second hand store, letting himself get fitted by Yeonjun like he's done so many times before. Visiting one of those cute cafes he sometimes sees on his for you page, them holding hands over the table. Kissing by the Han river.
He shakes the thought off, feeling his cheeks heat up. He looks down, grabs his chopsticks and puts the biggest bite he can fit into his mouth. He's sure he got sauce everywhere. He grabs his napkin, embarrassed, and cleans it quickly, hoping Yeonjun didn't notice how messy he was.
Yeonjun is beaming at him. "You have to. As soon as you have a little break from school, after college applications. Promise."
Soobin is nodding eagerly even before Yeonjun's words even sink into his brain. Yeonjun wants him to visit. Yeonjun wants to take him around his favourite spots, share part of his new, fancy life as a college student with him. This new version of Yeonjun still wants him there.
"I also want you to meet everyone," Yeonjun says, leaving the chopsticks to rest atop his food container. Soobin frowns, wondering what's so important for Yeonjun to leave his ramyeon unattended. He's looking a bit bashful, now, pursing his lips, cheeks lightly pink even though it's been too long since they got inside the shop for it to still be from the cold. "All my friends from class, and my next door neighbour, who's super nice. And... and also my girlfriend, he adds, voice softening to almost a whisper.
Soobin's eyes open in shock, and he chokes on his own spit. He's happy he didn't have any tteokkboki in his mouth or the spicy sauce would have come out of his nose, which does not sound pleasant at all. But that's the only thing he's happy about, and the relief only lasts until Yeonjun has stopped patting his back as he coughs and gone back to his seat, looking at him with those wide eyes, like he's waiting for Soobin to say... something?
Soobin tries to smile, he really tries. He hopes it doesn't look too fake, he hopes Yeonjun thinks the reason it's not wider is the choking incident, he hopes his dimples are showing just the right amount and that Yeonjun, who knows him so well, has forgotten how to read him on the months he's been away.
On the months he's been away getting a girlfriend, it seems.
Yeonjun has a girlfriend. Yeonjun has a girlfriend. Yeonjun has a girlfriend.
It doesn't matter how many different ways Soobin thoughts about it, the concept still escapes him. Until it doesn't. Because, of course that Yeonjun would have a girlfriend. He's beautiful, polite, intelligent, relatively tidy. He's good at sports, dances. He's always so stylish, so confident in his own self. Soobin has a crush on him. Who is he to judge someone else, a girl, for also having feelings for his best friend, his perfect best friend?
"Congratulations, hyung!" he manages out. He might be overcompensating. That congratulations may have come up too cheerful. "Tell me everything! What's her name?"
And so, Yeonjun speaks and Soobin listens. Her name is Soojung, she's doing veterinary science, and they met at dance club. They got close during the dinners and drinks they'd go to after dance practise, and then they started to study together, until he asked her out to a cafe during a break, and then he asked her out to a cafe again, this time without any studying in the agenda. Their first date was a walk along the Han river (which had sounded so good in Soobin's head not too long ago, but now he scoffs at the thought: so basic!) She has two cats and a dog back in her family home, and Yeonjun is very excited to meet them, but they haven't told their families yet. Yeonjun dares compare Tori to her dog.
He asks Soobin not to tell anyone yet. It's too soon. We're still getting to know each other, he says.
Soobin won't say anything. He's not sure he'd be able to keep a straight face when doing so, and then everyone would know he's sad and jealous and heartbroken, and then everyone would know that he has a massive, fat crush on Yeonjun. Nobody can know that he has a massive, fat crush on Yeonjun. Not even Yeonjun. Because he has a girlfriend now. Soobin feels a bit sick.
Later, when he's laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, he thinks about it. He's being dramatic. It's just a crush. He'll get over it.
He's read enough books and watched enough dramas to know that heartbreak hurts like a bitch, but also that time heals everything. He will get over it. Plus, it's not like Yeonjun rejected him, or anything. Sure, he now knows that he doesn't like him back, but there's a sense of relief in the knowledge that he would have embarrassed himself if he had confessed. The knowledge that Yeonjun, the kind soul that he is, would have let him down gently, insisting that nothing had to change, but then looked at him with pity in his eyes until he moved back to Seoul. Back to his girlfriend.
But it's fine. It's all fine. Soobin will get over it.
Meanwhile, Yeonjun and Soojung will continue to go on dates on the river and studying in the library and dancing together and going to cool bars in Itaewon and they will adopt a dog together and have cake on their wedding day. Fuck. Soobin is definitely overreacting. He knows. He can feel the tears prickle in his eyes, but he doesn't want to cry over this. He'll be fine. He knows he'll be fine.
Sleep catches him staring at the ceiling, breathing slowly. He won't cry over a confession he didn't get to make.
---
There's this small cafe by the park. It's in the opposite direction from their houses, but they still went there on special occasions after school. On their birthdays, for example, or when Soobin's submission for the city drawing contest was selected as a finalist, to celebrate Yeonjun's end of the year dance performances. The man who runs it has seen them grow from gangly teenagers to... well, Soobin supposes he's still a gangly teenager. Yeonjun is all grown now, though.
Seokjin seems to think so, too, as when they walk into the shop the next day he has a lot to say about Yeonjun's blonde hair and sharp cheekbones. When he prepares their order, he plops an extra slice of strawberry Christmas cake for Yeonjun on their tray with a wink. A piece of sweet bread that he didn't order is also added to their order. He smiles at the owner, grateful.
Soobin has ordered a hot chocolate with marshmallows in it. Yeonjun stands proud when requesting his with peppermint syrup, throwing a well-timed smack on Soobin's shoulder when the younger huffed in fake disgust.
They grab the table by the Christmas tree in the corner, next to the windows, fogged with condensation. The shop is decked in decorations, fairy lights lining the counter, a themed special menu, Seokjin's special, Christmas-time-only strawberry shortcake. There is a small bell over the cafe shop, and Seokjin has added a small branch of mistletoe that hangs from it. He had flushed when he noticed it, but he's certain Yeonjun didn't even notice it was there.
The Christmas tree is decorated with hand painted wooden ornaments. Seokjin had hosted an arts and crafts event at the cafe to make them last week, almost threatening with kidnapping Soobin to attend if he didn't make it of his own accord. He had insisted that he needed to do something other than studying and more studying or he'd lose his mind completely, and that arts and crafts was a great way to decompress, according to his counsellor husband. The counsellor husband had been right, as it turns out, and Soobin had left the shop feeling refreshed and re-energised, five painted wooden baubles drying on the table.
There had only been one issue with the event, really. The event had been full of couples. Then again, Christmas is a couples' holiday, and Seokjin's cafe is a classic date spot, even outside the holiday season. But for this event in particular, Soobin had stood out like a sore spot, meter eighty of single schoolboy, sitting in a corner quietly, enjoying his sweet coffee and delicately painting a detailed sunset on one of the baubles. The couples had been louder, laughing and chatting, smiles and flirty comments, baubles painted with hearts and signed by two people in the back.
Soobin had wished so hard that Yeonjun had been there with him.
Now, as soon as he's done taking his coat and beanie off, shaking his hair so that his bleached hair doesn't stick in every possible direction, yeonjun walks to the tree. He beckons Soobin over. "Show me which you painted," he requests, gently touching one of the baubles, remembering Soobin telling him about the event.
"Try to guess," Soobin teases.
Yeonjun pouts, but he immediately kneels on the floor to see the ones in the lower branches, systematic as he can be, scanning the baubles one by one until he finds one he thinks Soobin could have done. He points at it, careful not to make it fall from its branch. It's decorated with a beautiful pattern design, glitter patterns over red and green paint. But Soobin shakes his head, amused as Yeonjun huffs and gets back to work.
He finds one of his next, the seaside scenery one. Not very christmassy, to be honest. In his defence, most of the christmas colours, greens and reds and golds were highly coveted by the couples, so he'd done the best he could do with the pinks and blues. The sunset one is pretty, all orange and pale grey. Seokjin placed them all in the front of the tree, too, where they're visible from the inside of the shop.
Yeonjun manages to identify all of his baubles except one, which he had attempted to cover with a leafy pattern.
He praises Soobin until his cheeks are bright red, and when Seokjin comes by with their order he ruffles Soobin's hair. He sits down still flustered.
"I can't believe Seokjin-ssi only bakes this cake for Christmas," Yeonjun complains, cheeks already full. "It's so fucking good."
Soobin laughs. Yeonjun looks like a chipmunk with his cheeks all puffed.
It still hurts a little. Imagining a girl there, instead, eating Yeonjun's favourite cake in Seokjin's cafe. Maybe Yeonjun would use his fork to give her a bite, even if it's from his prized, available for limited time only, strawberry shortbread Christmas cake.
He shakes the thought off.
He has time to get over Yeonjun. After the holidays, when Yeonjun goes back to Seoul and Soobin is left alone. When he can focus on his schoolwork and on his college applications. This time, instead of missing Yeonjun, he can take the distance and use it to move on. But not yet.
He wonders if it's healthy that Yeonjun's smile over their plates of sweet treats makes his heart flutter, that even though he rationally knows there's no more to it, his heart still stutters inside his chest when Soobin slices a bit of his cake and places on his sweet bread plate, without so much as pausing the story he's telling.
Soobin smiles, and eats the cake.
---
Yeonjun and Soobin stared exchanging Christmas gifts years ago. Yeonjun was fourteen, Soobin thirteen, and Yeonjun had decided that they deserved a nice treat to celebrate the winter break, if nothing else. He had gifted Soobin a nice set of coloured pencils, a smaller version of a set Soobin had been eyeing at the window of the arts store by his taekwondo gym. Soobin had felt bad when giving his own present to the older afterwards, knowing how expensive those pencils were, even if it was the smaller set.
He had found a small plushie keychain with an orange fox wearing a chicken outfit in the convenience store (yes, he was just as confused when he saw it). The little creature had a funny little angry expression that had reminded him of Yeonjun. He had given it to Yeonjun slightly embarrassed after receiving his present, the plushie neatly wrapped in some shiny blue paper that his mum had given him. Yeonjun had said he loved it, though, hugging Soobin tightly and pulling his bike keys from his pocket, immediately attaching it to the ring. It must have been a better present than he had thought, because up until he stopped cycling to school last march, the little guy was still attached to the keys. A bit less soft now, fabric discoloured after many washes, its round head slightly misshapen. But still there.
This year, Soobin has made him a scarf, hat and gloves set. He got into knitting last year, a nice cosy hobby that allows him to keep his hands busy while he watches a show, an easy way to turn off his brain and decompress after a long day. Yeonjun has been pestering him to make him something for months, but Soobin's projects take time. He barely has any time to knit, most of what he does being completed during a twenty-minute anime episode here and there.
He was also planning on confessing after giving Yeonjun his gift, which he assumes would have made it a bit more of an exciting present, but oh well. What can you do.
Yeonjun's mum had greeted him at the door, fussing over him, complaining that she barely saw him anymore now that Yeonjun wasn't there. She is right, of course. He hasn't been to Yeonjun's house since the older moved to Seoul, he hasn't really had a reason to, but now that he's inside, it feels strange. Yeonjun's bedroom is still the same: a couple of posters on the wall, two plush toys on a corner of the bed. He left his record player and vinyls here, worried to damage them during the move, so they're still in their spot on the shelf by the window. The same pictures from before are still placed on the shelf above the bed, Soobin notes. That's him, and that's him too, and that's him as a toddler, a slightly bigger but still toddler Yeonjun pushing him on a swing.
Yeonjun's girlfriend doesn't appear in any of the pictures, he notes with a little bit of satisfaction that he immediately pushes back down. None of his new friends appear, either. Yeonjun hasn't changed the pictures in years. It doesn't mean a thing. What would it even mean?
They sit on the floor, and Yeonjun gently places his rpwp album in the player. RM's soft voice fills the room at a low volume. When Yeonjun is satisfied fiddling with the volume, he sits down on the floor in front of Soobin.
His blonde hair is all soft and fluffy today, not smushed from wearing hats. Soobin really wants to lean forward and touch it, push it back from his forehead. He looks so good in the warm light of the room, the string of colourful paper lights that hangs from the head of the bed adding to the golden hue of his bedside lamp.
In a dark corner of Soobin's mind, one where Yeonjun doesn't have a girlfriend, where Yeonjun likes boys in general and Soobin in particular, where Yeonjun looks at him with big eyes and parted lips and a flush on his cheeks just like he' doing now but also not at all like he's doing now, Soobin leans forward and kisses him. He can almost feel how soft Yeonjun's lips would be under his. He can picture his smile afterwards, small first, bashful then, big and bright last, crinkling his eyes before he leans forwards too and kissing him back.
Soobin doesn't lean forward. Obviously.
The worst part is that he had thought about this. He has known he likes Yeonjun for a while, now, but it wasn't until the older left that he really realised to what extent. He missed him so much while he was gone. They spoke frequently, even if never for long, texted all the time, shared funny videos with one another. And yet Soobin still missed him: Yeonjun's calming presence next to him, his fingers carding through Soobin's hair when Soobin placed his head on the older's lap to watch movies, his never-ending support when Soobin gets stressed, how he always joked and managed to make him laugh when he got too in his head. How le lets him rant about anything and everything, having absorbed so much knowledge about anime through Soobin through the years that Soobin is sure the man could hold a whole conversation on shows he's never even seen.
Soobin is getting ready to graduate high school, Yeonjun has already done so. They're moving on, growing up. Soobin has had time to think, time to figure out his feelings. He was feeling brave, perhaps even brave enough to confess. But then Yeonjun had brought Soojung up, and Soobin's heart had come crashing down from the third floor and onto the icy pavement outside. And there was that.
Even now, despite how much Soobin wants to lie down on the plush carpet and let Yeonjun gently pet him while they chat, he can't help but feel a strange distance between them. Maybe it has to do with how Yeonjun looks like himself but a bit different, slightly out of place in his childhood bedroom with his new hair and sharper cheekbones, clad in a college hoodie. It was like that when they went to the library to study -- Soobin had pulled out his maths activity book and calculator, Yeonjun only a laptop and a scribbled essay plan, referencing an advanced textbook every once in a while. Even when walking around town, Yeonjun had looked around like he was seeing some things for the first time, even though barely anything has changed.
It feels like Yeonjun is visiting a world where Soobin still resides in, and it's not a good feeling. Soobin and Yeonjun have always been a package deal, going to the same school, playing together even though they were in different years, hanging out at each other's houses for homework and fun. They had grown together, become kids and then teenagers together, never fighting for more than a few hours at a time. Soobin had thought that the term Yeonjun would spend in university without him would only be a brief intermission, a few months of pause before Soobin made up his mind and applied to college. He hasn't made a final decision yet, but a part of him had always been pretty certain he'd end up in Seoul, too. He hadn't really considered that Yeonjun would continue growing, change and adapt in the new environment he was in, while Soobin would stay behind, the same as always.
So now he's not too sure he'd have confessed, even if Yeonjun hadn't said anything about Soojung.
He's not even sure Yeonjun likes boys, anyway.
He must have missed Yeonjun too much, he thinks. He missed him so much that he deluded himself into thinking that the older would miss him back just as much, that he could like him back, that confessing was a good idea that would not have ruined their friendship and strained their relationship, already more difficult now that they weren't neighbours anymore. In a way, Soobin is grateful for Soojung. She saved him from making a fool of himself.
"So," Yeonjun says, "I have a present for you."
Soobin rolls his eyes. They met specifically to exchange presents. He knows.
He smiles, grateful, and takes the wrapped box Yeonjun is giving him. It's small, but heavy, so Soobin turns it in his hands, trying to figure out what it is.
"Come on, open it."
He tears the paper wrapping it, a delicate magenta crepe, uncovering a narrow leather case. He furrows his brows, looking up at Yeonjun, who is staring at him encouragingly. Soobin pulls the case out of the paper, opening it to reveal a beautiful mechanical pencil, black and heavy in his hand. The details are silver, and as he lifts it out of its case, he notices there is a small engraving on its side, his name.
"I thought you'd need a good pen for university," Yeonjun says with a small smile. "Now that you have one, you can hurry up and graduate so you can start using it."
Soobin looks up, finding Yeonjun's eyes already trained on his, a happy little smile on his lips.
"Thank you so much, hyung," Soobin speaks, glancing back down at the pen in his hands, and up again at Yeonjun's gentle eyes. He gets up on his knees to hug the older, a pair of strong arms wrapping around his torso. "This is so beautiful. Really, I love it. I can't wait to use it."
Yeonjun's gaze softens even more, lips pursed into a beautiful smile. He taps Soobin's waist gently, reminding him he is still hunched over the carpet, hovering over the discarded crepe paper to reach Yeonjun better. Blushing, he sits back down, reverently placing the pen back into its case, which is closed carefully and placed to the side.
"I also have a gift for you," Soobin says. Once again, he feels a bit foolish, convinced his handmade clothes pale in comparison to Yeonjun's thoughtful present. He's fully aware of the small missed stitch in the back of the jumper, too. He noticed as he was finishing the hem already, so he had used a bit of leftover yarn to secure the loose loop and make sure the jumper wouldn't collapse on itself, but now he's painfully aware of the small imperfection.
Yeonjun's smile is extra bright as he extends his arms to receive the package though. Soobin wrapped it neatly, as usual, this time in a beautiful floral paper he bought at the arts store. The paper is a bit wrinkled due to its contents being bulky but soft, Yeonjun furrowing his brow as he pokes at the parcel, feeling its give.
"Oh," he says as soon as he has opened the paper enough to have a peek at its contents. He gently places a hand on top of the fabric, feeling how soft it is. Soobin had picked the expensive alpaca yarn for this, the pink fluffy jumper loosely knitted and with a broader neckline and wide sleeves, just like he knows Yeonjun likes to wear his sweaters. He looks up at Soobin, his smile so gleeful Soobin feels the need to commit it to memory.
"It's just a jumper," Soobin says, witnessing how Yeonjun pulls the sweater out of the packaging incredibly delicately, holding it by the shoulders in front of his face before hugging it to his chest.
"It's so soft and warm! Did you make it?"
Soobin nods, shy, before there's a handful of Yeonjun on his lap, hugging him.
"Thank you! It must have taken you forever to knit!" Yeonjun comments, fingers carefully brushing the yarn. "Oh, wait, there's more?" he sounds delighted as he grabs the matching scarf and beanie from the package, looking more and more delighted by the second. "Soobinie! Where did you get the time to make all this? You always say it takes too long!"
Soobin doesn't say he started working on these in April. "It wasn't that bad. I made it while watching anime before bed."
Yeonjun laughs, putting the beanie and the scarf on, sitting up to stand in front of the mirror and make sure his hair looks good under the pink yarn, before turning around and hugging Soobin again.
"Thank you so much. I love it. I will wear it a lot and stay warm. And think of you. My Soobinie."
The way he says that right against Soobin's ear, his body oh so warm as it wraps around him, is doing things to Soobin. His stomach feels full of butterflies for a second, before he remembers, and then they turn into ugly moths, dark and aggressive as they bat their wings against the inside of his ribcage. But he pushes them down, smiles against Yeonjun's neck, inhaling deeply, taking in the smell of his body wash and fabric softener together, and something that's just Yeonjun.
Afterwards, they'll go down to the living room, sit in front of the TV and play on Yeonjun's switch. Yeonjun won't take off the beanie. He will smile at Soobin, so widely that his cheeks must be hurting. It will make Soobin's heart hurt.
---
Soobin walks Yeonjun to the train station.
The street looks the same it did ten days ago. There is some ice on the pavement, the shop windows are fogged around the edges, and their breath forms clouds in front of their faces. It also looks completely different: the ice looks slippery and a little dirty, the happy Santa stickers that decorate the windows look almost unsettingly cheerful.
The two of them walk side by side, in silence. Soobin feels the palm of his hand itch inside his thick glove, the distance between them stretching with each step even though their feet are bringing them closer.
When they arrive to the station gate, Soobin takes in a deep breath, but it feels no air reach his lungs. He's spent all the holiday dreading this moment -- not because he has to say goodbye to his best friend, again, but because this time, he knows what awaits Yeonjun in Seoul. It's not like last time they said bye, before Yeonjun left for the autumn semester, full of excitement and uncertainty, a blank slate ahead. This time, Yeonjun knows what he's coming back to, and Soobin knows, too. And the thing is, this is not about Soojung, not really. Or, rather, not fully. This is about Yeonjun moving on, about him leaving Soobin behind here, in their town that never changes.
It's temporary, Soobin had told himself the last time he said bye to Yeonjun. They would soon be together again, if not in the same university, likely in the same city, at least. In the same stage of life. Soobin would not be a high schooler for much longer, and then they would once again be the same.
Soobin is starting to wonder if he can even catch up now, or if Yeonjun has ran away too far, too fast for him. He was always the confident, extroverted one. He was made for bigger and better things, and now he's thriving in Seoul in a way that Soobin is not sure he can achieve. He doubts Yeonjun will stop and wait for him to catch up. He doesn't want to ask him.
Yeonjun is wearing the beanie and hat Soobin knitted, the jumper safely tucked inside his thick puffer jacket. When he turns towards Soobin to say their farewells, the scarf slides off his shoulder a little. Soobin reaches forward, pushes it back into place. If his hand stays on Yeonjun's chest a moment longer than necessary, Yeonjun doesn't say anything.
"So you're off to the big city," Soobin speaks, nonsense, just to break the silence that has wrapped around them tightly, too tightly.
"Yeah."
Yeonjun's smile is small, perhaps fragile. He purses his lips, reaching forward and pushing Soobin's messy fringe back. It's cold, and an icy wind ruffling his hair since they left their street.
"Your ears are freezing," Yeonjun says after accidentally touching him with the side of his hand. He gets a step closer, placing his hands on both sides of Soobin's face, the warmth of his palms warming his ears. He's looking at Soobin so intently, big eyes, pouty lips, blonde hair strands peeking from underneath the pink beanie.
Yeonjun takes a step back, then, reaching to his head and pulling the beanie off. His hair gets all messed up, the pointy strands making Soobin giggle. The laughter dies in his throat when Yeonjun reaches forward and puts the hat on his head, tugging it down low enough to cover his ears.
"There. Now you're all warm."
Soobin frowns, going to take the hat off, but Yeonjun's hands are still there, holding it in place.
"But it's your hat," Soobin pouts.
"I have the scarf and the jumper," Yeonjun says, touching his hand to the scarf. "I like that they're part of a set, and you have a piece of it, and I have the rest."
Soobin can feel his cheeks burn. He doubts the warmth of the hat has anything to do with it.
"But I can make more hats," Soobin pouts again, half-heartedly.
"Hey, I'm not gifting it to you, it's my favourite hat. It's a loan", Yeonjun huffs, his hands finally falling from where they were cradling Soobin's face. He takes a step back, eyeing Soobin up and down, reaching and pulling at his coat's neck until he's satisfied with how it looks. "Bring to Seoul when you visit," Yeonjun adds, softly, delicately. "But you need to come visit before spring comes. Then it will be too warm for me to use it."
Soobin nods. There's a knot on his throat, so he doesn't say anything back, afraid the overflow of emotions he hasn't been able to untangle yet seeps into his voice and gives him away.
"Come here," Yeonjun says, pulling Soobin into his body.
Soobin is taller, but Yeonjun is broader, and warm, and he smells good. Soobin makes himself small as he hugs his friend tightly, breathing in deep, soaking in all of the comfort and warmth he's offered.
"I'm going to miss you a lot, hyung," he speaks against Yeonjun's neck, voice muffled against the fabric of his coat.
"I'm going to miss you too, Soobinie."
Soobin is reluctant to break apart, but knows Yeonjun needs to get on his train soon, so he lets go first. Yeonjun offers a shaky smile and lifts his hands to his scarf.
"Thank you fr your presents," he says. "I will wear them well. They will keep me warm. And remind me of home."
I wish they reminded you of me, Soobin's traitorous mind supplies. The same dodgy part of his brain plays a scene where he leans forward and presses a kiss to Yeonjun's lips. He pushes it underwater, holds it down, drowns it.
"I will tell Soojung she's got competition. You always give the best gifts."
Right. Soobin forces a smile.
"Tell her I said merry Christmas," and a very fuck you new year, that bitter voice says from underwater. Soobin pushes it even deeper. It gurgles, putting up a fight.
The station is already half empty when Yeonjun enters the train. The glass doors slide closed after him, but Soobin can follow his shilouette through the windows, the outline of his coat, the blond hair, the pink scarf. Then the train lurches forward, metal wheels screaming, and Yeonjun's figure smears like wet paint before disappearing completely.
The silence the train leaves behind is too big for the station. The platform is almost empty, the next service not scheduled until a few hours from now, leaving Soobin alone in the large room. He breathes out. It's cold, even here, where the station walls protect them from the wind, so he rubs his hands together, trying to warm up his fingers.
He should go home. Yeonjun's train can't be seen in the distant tracks anymore. There's no point to him being here, not when he could get a couple of hours of study in before dinner. But he stays there for a couple of minutes more, in silence, trying to make the moment last longer. He promised himself that, when he steps through the steps of the station, he'll start to move on.
Yeonjun doesn't like him back, and that's okay.
For the first time since Yeonjun told him about Soojung, Soobin allows himself to really feel it. He's heartbroken, sure, but not in the dramatic, earth-shattering way that he's seen in books and movies. It's like a paper cut, just a faint background noise until he presses against the corner of the table and the tender wound reopens, until he gets some soap in it and it stings. He thinks of how shy Yeonjun looked when he had told Soobin about her, and the cut bites into his skin, because Yeonjun doesn't go all shy to talk about him, to talk to him. He thinks of Yeonjun tugging the beanie down on his head, trying to keep him warm, and sharp pain blooms into his skin, sending sparks down his nerves, because he can picture Yeonjun taking off his scarf and putting it on her.
He figures it makes sense. Not just the girlfriend thing, but also the fact that Yeonjun is now three steps ahead of him and hasn't even noticed. And Soobin is so, so proud of Yeonjun. It just hurts to feel behind, to feel so small under Yeonjun's attention, so distant. Part of a past life. And yet, Yeonjun had looked so happy, a spark in his eyes that Soobin can't hope to be the cause of.
Taking a deep breath, the cold air biting into his throat, Soobin finally walks to the station gate.
Outside, the sky is pure white, covered in clouds, and although the wind has stopped, the cold is still sharp. Soobin bundles himself up even tighter.
As soon as he takes the first step down from the station, a snowflake falls on his sleeve. He looks up, surprised, and suddenly, the sky lets go.
Snow begins to spill from the clouds in heavy swirls, soft and heavy simultaneously. It dusts the top of his hat, melts against his nose and cheeks when he looks up, gathers on his coat in ephemeral specks of white.
The world softens, quietens that way it only does when it snows. And Soobin stands there for a long moment, letting the snow settle on him, letting the cold settle inside him. Letting the truth settle, too.
Time to move on.
Time to go home.