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My eyes darted open, my breath heavy. I felt my body covered in a cold sweat, and my heart racing. God, I had another nightmare again. I blinked trying to adjust to my surroundings.
I heard the rain patter on the window and the clock on my bedside read, 12:59 AM. I just slumped back on my bed as I saw Johnny next to me. It wasn’t odd at all, he’d always slept in my bed after he was discharged from the hospital. The thing that was odd was his eyes were open and he was running his hand through my hair.
I spoke softly, my voice raspy from sleep, “What’re you doing up..?”
Johnny looked up and responded, “Can’t sleep…”
I just sighed “Is it the pain..?”
Johnny just nodded and I sat up carefully making sure to not shake him too much. I thought a bit about what to do.
Three options usually worked. Getting him a warm glass of milk would put him out. Giving him some painkillers would stop the pain. Or I could get him a bath.
I wasn’t sure what would help the most so I asked hesitantly, “Do you want a bath.. or some painkillers?”
Johnny's eyes lit up a bit at the suggestion, “Both…anything..it’s pretty bad tonight”
I smiled and got up from the bed laying Johnny down. It was all a hassle having to take care of him so much but it was worth it. Anything was worth it if it meant he was still alive and healthy. Well healthy for the most part.
I tried my best to navigate the dark room with my eyes that weren’t too adjusted yet. After a few wobbly steps I got to the door and opened it to a dim light. At least it was a lot easier to see now and my steps were more coordinated.
I ventured down the stairs and walked by the living room seeing Soda asleep on the couch. As I glanced closer I saw that he was laying on Steve’s chest and I just smiled slightly. All I could hear in the calm background was Soda and Steve’s breaths along with the soft rain. It'd be nice to lay like that instead of having to constantly look after Johnny so much. Just a nice break.
Steve had his arm wrapped around Soda's torso and I saw the ring on his finger glimmer. Just a week ago Soda had given him the promise ring. He said if it ever became legal to marry him he would and they both have a wedding with all the gang.
My mind wandered and all sounds faded as my mind took over. I wondered if someday I could have that with someone. Love, trust, compassion. Fighting for each other when the world was against you. That was true love. Then my thoughts spiralled into a rambling mess. Who would I want to be so dedicated and in love with like that? The only name that would come up in my head was ‘Johnny’ but I just shook that away. He’d never want that with me. Let alone promise to marry me someday. Even if he did (which he didn’t) he didn’t need the added stress of a relationship on top of his injuries. He already stressed every day about his injuries and future. I couldn’t possibly burden him with more.
I snapped out of my thoughts realising I was standing there like an idiot, so I started walking to the kitchen as I tried to push my thoughts away. Even when they tried creeping back.
I stepped in front of the fridge and opened the door. The bright light flooded my eyes and squinted at it. God it was too late for this brightness. I pulled out the carton of milk then closed the fridge quickly. I set the milk on the counter then opened a cabinet to get a small pot.
As I grabbed the pot it clanked against the other dishes making me pause a second to make sure I didn’t wake up Soda or Steve for that matter. My shoulders slumped back down from relief when I didn’t see their eyes open. I closed the cabinet carefully and placed the pot on the stove turning the heat up. I saw as flames flickered up and I grabbed the carton watching the milk flow into the pot. I waited a few minutes for the milk to warm, occupying my mind with various things until I felt it was done.
I turned off the heat and carefully grabbed a glass from the same cupboard. I made sure not to clink it too much on the counter and I grabbed the pot. I carefully poured the warm milk into the cup watching it fill to the top with a little splash. I put the pot back in the stove with shaky hands, not bothering to put it in the sink walking to the medicine cabinet.
I picked a bottle of extra strength ibuprofen then closed the cabinet door. I sighed in content as I could finally get back to Johnny. Even a few minutes felt like hours when I was away from Johnny.
I walked back to the glass and picked it up heading back upstairs. The stairs creaked slightly with each step until I finally got back to me and Johnny’s room. I stuck the pills under my arm to free my hand and I opened the door to see Johnny sitting up in the bed looking zoned out.
I dimmed the lights on and sat next to him handing him the glass. “Here I got you some milk.. and some pills too” I added the last part as I opened the pills tossing out four.
You were only supposed to take two but I could tell he needed more than that. I handed him the pills making sure he took it before letting go. I was glad his arms and hands didn’t get burnt much. It was mostly his shoulders and back. Some of the back of his thighs too.
I saw him put on a tired guilty smile and it made my heart clench. A bright smile instantly came to my lips as he took the pills with a sip of milk. I needed to be strong for Johnny. I needed to take care of Johnny. I needed to protect Johnny. Needed to make sure he was comfortable and content. All my motives were slowly starting to be about Johnny. It was a bit frightening but also very grounding.
Just like Dally had said in the rumble a while ago, Do it for Johnny. Ain’t that the truth. It felt like everything I did was for Johnny and I had no problem with that. Maybe I longed for something more, but that was just selfishness. I just needed to put the things that matter most first. And that was Johnny.
I looked back over and saw he was basically done with the milk, so I took the glass and set it down on the bed side table.
“You still up for a bath?” I spoke softly so as not to shock Johnny.
Johnny spoke with a rough voice, cracking a little, “Yeah..that’d be nice..”
I nodded and got up. I looked at his wheelchair but it was folded away and I didn’t feel like putting it back together.
“Is it okay if I just pick you up? Chairs disassembled…”
Johnny spoke up again, his voice always brought a smile to me even if it was rough. “Yeah..that’s fine”
I just walked over, tentatively scooping him in my arms. It was a bridal-like hold but I was making sure I didn’t hurt his legs too much. As I felt his weight my heart sped up but I pushed it away deep inside me. I needed to focus on helping Johnny, not let my stupid emotions get in the way.
I slowly navigated the dark room, eventually getting to the door and walking sideways to get Johnny out safely. I stepped closer and closer to the bathroom, until I finally got the door.
I walked Johnny in and sat him down on the toilet seat. I closed the door, cramping us in the tiny bathroom. It didn’t have windows or a fan so it always felt wet and stuffy even if no one had used it for hours.
I walked to the grimy bathtub, it probably needed a scrub but it was good enough for now. I turned on the water and plugged the drain. I reached for the bottle of baby soap and poured a bit into the water. I saw it foam up and I put the bottle down. The baby soap was easier on his burns, not aggravating them at all.
I just sighed and got to Johnny who was carefully trying to peel his shirt off.
I panicked a bit and blurted out, “Hey, hey, let me do that…”
Johnny looked up and stopped with an almost defiant expression on his face. It was an odd sight to say the least. He’d never protested to my help.
Johnny spoke up with a strong voice which was rare, “Ponyboy, I can take off my shirt. I’m not helpless”
I paused a second before letting my voice come back, “I just don’t want you to hurt yourself. Just let me do it.”
Johnny just shook his head, “No..I can take off my shirt damn it… my arms are fine.”
He then pulled off his shirt with ease. Even with all the scars I couldn’t deny the sight was pleasant. Before I could really admire him, his voice cut through the air bringing me back to the conversation.
“See? I’m fine…” His voice was back to his more soft and reserved tone.
It relieved me slightly, but the sudden outburst still left me uneasy. My hands went to his pants, making my palms a bit clammy, but I didn’t have time to wipe them off. Right before I reached the button of the jeans I felt Johnny push my hands away. The contact made my heart skip a beat and I internally cursed myself. Then I got back to my senses and saw Johnny quickly unbuttoning his pants and unzipping them.
I put my hand out to stop him but didn’t actually stop it, “Johnny.. slow you’re going to hurt yourself”
In response he just pulled them down faster tossing them aside. His hands were slightly shaking, and I just felt annoyed at his blatant disobedience. I only wanted what was best for him. How could he not understand that? I was too annoyed to really process that I was with an almost fully naked Johnny in a cramped bathroom.
I just sighed for what felt like the millionth time, going back on autopilot and put my hands to his briefs. I tugged on the waistband and tossed them to the side, leaving him fully exposed. I was used to it as I did this almost every day, but it still felt a bit awkward every time. Especially how my body would act up and add a flush to my skin or make my heart beat at an impossibly high speed. At least for me. I didn’t really know how Johnny felt about it.
I looked over to the almost full bath and placed my finger in the water. Luke warm. Perfect, I didn’t want it too hot even if Johnny would say it always felt too cold. If it was too hot it would flair up the healing scars. The scars on his skin made it harder for him to differentiate temperatures, so everything felt pretty cold to him.
I looked at Johnny, silently asking if he was ready. He nodded slightly and I scooped him up, placing him carefully in the bath. When his body touched the water Johnny winced a bit and the water made a splash. As I settled him in I gave him a tired smile. He gave one in return but his was a bit more pathetic and painful. I just wished I could take that all away.
That damn fire. This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t run from Darry. This wouldn’t have happened if I never talked to Cherry. Damn it, I could’ve avoided this in so many ways. But it happened anyway. And it was all my fault.
I grabbed the soap, foaming it in my hands before starting to wash Johnny.
He spoke up, slightly echoing, “I’m sorry…”
I raised an eyebrow. Damn it, I was picking up from Two-Bit. “What for..”
Johnny spoke a guilty expression carved on his face, “For forcing you to take care of me.. it’s not fair to you..”
I wanted to argue. Reassure it was no problem. But I couldn’t lie. It was draining. Draining me dry. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad though, so I stayed silent.
I then heard Johnny’s voice softly echo in the bathroom once again, “You gotta stop taking care of me so much..y’know”
He paused a second then spoke again, “You gotta start taking care of yourself.”
I stopped my movements for a second. Damn it..he was right. I was giving everything when I got nothing back. And it wasn’t fair to Johnny either. This wasn’t protecting, this was controlling. I couldn’t deny it anymore. This wasn’t normal. It’s not normal to have your whole life revolve around one person. It’s not normal to be controlled like a damn marionette doll.
He wasn’t something to control every move for. He was just a damn person that needed some extra help. I then thought back to Soda and Steve. How they fought for each other. How they shared this spark of care and understanding. I always cared for Johnny but I never let me care for him. That’s why I was so scared and stressed. I just needed to let him care for me just as much as I cared for him.
I nodded, “I will…”
I could see in his eyes that he knew he’d completely shattered my world. Johnny leaned forward as best he could and pulled me into a hug.
For once he was giving me something I would never expect before. Love. My revolution around him had changed. For the better. I was no longer a willing slave to Johnny. And Johnny was no longer for me to control. I just wrapped my arms around his back and buried my head in his wet shoulder.
We were just two broken kids. And I couldn’t have it any other way.