Chapter Text
Song of the chapter: Back 2 U and To. X
Tokuno Yushi just wanted to sing and dance.
It was a simple dream- not one that’s necessarily deemed unique by any means. But one that’s fulfilled only if you’re lucky enough, or rather, desperate enough to kill yourself for.
“Congratulations, you’re debuting” His CEO had said that day, and Yushi? He had naively celebrated.
Now however, perhaps not as much.
Especially not as he sits in front of the very same man who granted him the desire of fame he so badly craved. The man who offered him success on a silver platter three years ago.
The office is cold and quiet. As always, he doesn’t utter a word, not yet. Yushi knows better than anyone that the conversion will only unravel like a broken record regardless of what he says. They’ve been through this before, more times than not.
“The sixth Yushi” His boss sighs into the intertwined fists on his desk. “Your sixth manager in two months, got anything to say?”
Any normal person would apologize- or at least, pretend to show some form of shameful regret by now. However, he doesn’t.
“He was selling personal information to fans” Yushi repeats lazily for the third- maybe even fourth time.
Like a broken record.
It’s as simple as that, an undeniable fact, and yet, the old man can’t help but snicker as if the statement is nothing but a joke.
“Six managers. Five scandals” He breathes into the cold office. “All because of your attitude”
Right. All because of his insufferable- unexplainable disgusting attitude. Maybe Yushi is the bad one after all. The villain in his own story.
“What he did doesn’t matter to me kid, do as you’re told without causing problems, got it?”
Here’s the thing, Tokuno Yushi is a singer, a celebrity, but more importantly, a product. He gets it- more than anyone. Idol culture is far from a foreign concept to him.
“Find me a new manager” He demands weakly.
“Then behave” A warning. ”Just look pretty and make us some money”
Tokuno Yushi just wanted to sing and dance. So that’s what he does. Day in and day out. Even as it slowly kills him.
♪
“He’s running a little late but…” Daeyoung looks down at the ticking watch on his wrist. “It should be fine”
Logically speaking, it’s far from fine, no qualified employee would be late to his first day but hey- who is he to judge.
“You think they just hired some random guy who was willing to take the job?” Yushi asks lazily before leaning back against his chair.
“Maybe” The other sighs, fingers tapping his keyboard frantically, eyes never leaving the screen.
“Lets just hope he’s not another PR crisis”
Well, one can only hope. His last few managers haven’t exactly been ideal. The first three were fine, there aren’t any lingering memories, maybe just the faint feeling of regret. Maybe Yushi shouldn’t have lashed out like he did back then.
Then it was Lee Minjae, who wasn’t a bad person by any means. The problem? He caught feelings, not something Yushi was willing to put up with.
There isn’t much to say about the fifth guy, Yushi had already put up walls by then.
And then, it’s back to the creep who sold his information to obsessive fans, a classic tale only a few idols are willing to tell.
“I didn’t smash his phone for no reason” He defends, almost unconsciously.
“I know, but the public doesn’t” Daeyoung’s typing stills and his friend finally looks up with nothing but softness in his gaze. “That’s why I’m here”
“To clean my image?”
“To listen”
Finally, something that gets a genuine smile out of him. Yushi didn’t keep many friendships during the self-destructive road to success, but he was lucky enough to form new connections- not like it was hard with Kim Daeyoung, the guy has a heart of gold. Someone who fought his way into Yushi’s life despite the tough front he put up.
“Thanks” He says with vulnerability he’d usually conceal.
“You can thank me by inviting your cute stylist to lunch with us” The other utters quietly into his coffee mug as a cheeky grin grows on his face.
“How about…” Yushi sings. “You text him yourself”
“Workplace violation” Daeyoung reminds, pretending and failing to give a care in the world.
“Like you care”
“Riku does”
“Right” He can’t help but roll his eyes. “Maeda Riku the morally righteous angel”
“He sure is an angel” Daeyoung breathes out like a deluded fool and Yushi can’t hell but gag- hands against his stomach as he folds dramatically in his seat.
The other opens his mouth in preparation to defend himself until they’re interrupted by a subtle knock when they least expect it.
A push, and the door slowly opens.
Yushi stands up- ready to greet whoever or whatever is waiting for him. Certain things are easily predictable with life experience and common sense. His CEO’s usual disingenuous smile is something he had expected.
What he didn’t expect however, was for his body to go stone cold- throat dry as if every trace of life has just been sucked out of him.
Because there he stands, in flesh, just as Yushi remembers. Too damn familiar despite the endless nights he had spent trying to erase the other’s existence from his mind.
His first love. His first everything.
Oh Sion.
♪
Yushi didn’t understand why and how it ended that way. Mostly because he never expected it to end at all. Maybe he was naive- perhaps even stupid. Well, that’s exactly how he felt as Sion looked down towards him in the empty park that day, completely hidden from the company.
“I just…” Sion’s voice trembled like it hurt. “I don’t think it’ll work out” The other sighted.
Those were his words. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Why” Yushi breathed out between them.
Why won’t it work out? Why won’t you try? Why is it so easy to give up?
“You can’t just-“ He cried out, arms swinging desperately. “Say that and leave without giving me a real reason”
“You don’t need me”
“I do”
“Yushi” Sion pleaded as if he couldn’t wait for it to end, as if there was nothing more to fight for. “I’m sorry”
A conclusion.
He should’ve cried, maybe even screamed some sense into the other’s thick skull, but instead-
“Fuck you” Yushi whispered weakly between in a row of sobs, receiving nothing but a stupid smile from Sion.
“You’ll make it big” The other had the nerve to utter. “I’ll always believe in you”
Yushi erased every memory of Oh Sion from that day on. Everything he knew was buried until the other’s existence was nothing more than an obstacle in his road to stardom.
He had unlearned every detail about the other.
His sweet scent. His star-like eyes. His beautiful smile.
Yushi had unlearned Oh Sion to the best of his abilities.
♪
“Do you know each other?”
Daeyoung’s familiar voice quickly brings him back to reality. Yushi blinks frantically and suddenly, the park is gone. However, Oh Sion remains in front of him with the same blank expression Yushi had tried to suppress three years ago.
Ironic, painfully so.
“Ye-“
“No” He interrupts before Sion gets the chance to answer. Daeyoung can only smile awkwardly before clearing his throat- confused by the growing tension.
“Alright Sion…” The other slides a stack of documents towards his ex-boyfriend with suspicious eyes. “I’ll give you a rundown on the schedules first”
“Yeah, yeah great” Sion whispers from his chair, still not looking at Yushi.
“He has a music show tomorrow so make sure you’re both on time, then it’s the press conference about his scandal which I’ll accompany you for and then-“
“What’s this?” Sion suddenly points out, fingers pressed against the schedule sheet.
Yushi can’t help but look over in curiosity- and fuck, he can’t breathe.
“Oh that?” Daeyoung’s brows shoot up. “Just an appointment, veneers” The other finishes off with a carefree shrug.
“Why?” His ex-boyfriend shoots back and god, he hates the way he could predict the reaction from a mile away.
“Company orders” Yushi responds dryly.
“I don’t know if i like it” Sion mumbles dumbly.
Holy shit, he’s just as stupid.
“Doesn’t matter what you like” He shoots back with so much venom even Daeyoung stills next to him.
“You sure you don’t know him?” The other chuckles towards Sion jokingly before his lips fall flat at the brief yet knowing silence that falls upon them.
“Yeah” Sion eventually responds- a transparent lie.
“Yeah” Yushi confirms. “He’s no one”
He hasn’t been anyone for three years and now he’s suddenly trying to matter again- isn’t something he should say by any means, but the unspoken words linger painfully between them as Daeyoung is forced to bathe in the suffocating implications.
“Right…” The other’s gaze travels frantically between them, brain working to put the pieces together little by little. “Any more questions before we continue?” Daeyoung clicks his teeth as his eyes land on Sion.
“No” His ex-boyfriend utters gently in his usual velvet-like voice.
“And you?” Yushi feels his friend’s attention on him and suddenly, a row of questions starts clogging his mind uncontrollably.
What does Oh Sion want? Why is he here?
“No” He says instead, in a transparent lie that his past lover sees right through.
It’s true what they say about history repeating itself. Because once again, Yushi finds himself feeling vulnerable, naked- stupid under Sion’s pitiful gaze.
♪
The turn signal of Daeyoung’s car ticks through the empty streets. Yushi’s body is still frozen, yet to recover from the situation.
“So” His friend is the first one to break their heavy silence. “Was he an awful one night stand or the grim reaper escorting you to hell?” The other jokes dryly.
“No just…” Yushi shifts uncomfortably against the leather seat. “My ex boy- AH!”
His explanation is cut short by a startled shriek as Daeyoung’s foot plunges towards the brakes in a wave of shock. He’s lucky the sudden action didn’t send him flying through the windshield.
Yushi can physically see the pool of endless questions generate through his friend’s brain.
Who? How? Why?
“Your ex? As in that ex? As in that Oh Sion?” The other gasps, hands gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life. “From the park situasion?”
“I told you not to call it that” Yushi warns.
“Come on” Daeyoung tilts his head to the side in a teasing grin. “It’s a silly pun”
“Does it look like I’m laughing?”
“You never laugh”
“Shut up” Yushi mumbles before running a panicked hand through his messy blond locks. “What the fuck do i do?” The question comes out like nothing but a desperate whine.
“I should just act all rude and bratty until he willingly quits” Great, another awful idea that would land him in hot waters with the press.
You’re a genius Tokuno.
“No” Daeyoung is quick to reject. “That would be-“
“It’s green” He reminds, watching as the other’s gaze follows the direction of his finger, towards the traffic lights that were almost left forgotten.
“Shit” Daeyoung hits the gas slowly. “Anyway” He starts yet again, attention still not fully on the road. “That would be a PR nightmare”
“Fire him?” Another naive suggestion.
“Yeah no, wrongful termination” The states in an unimpressed sigh. “Are you trying to get us sued?”
Yushi can only throw his head back in a defeated pout, like a toddler being told no.
“How about we pretend to date until he gets jealous and leaves?” Daeyoung jokes with a proud smile across his face, one that quickly falls flat as he turns his head and realizes- oh.
“Yushi”
He can only scoff at the weak warning. Yushi folds his arms, the corners of his lips twitch on their own as he bites back a smirk.
“Yushi no” Daeyoung begs.
“Remember when we kissed?” Yushi breathes out, brows moving suggestively as he actively ignores the other’s plea.
“It wasn’t a kiss” The words are rushed out of Daeyoung’s mouth in one frantic breath. “You shoved your tongue down my throat because i accidentally ate your fucking cheeseball”
“It was a kiss to me” He argues through an exaggerated cry.
“No.”
“But it could work!”
“No!”
“You hate me” Yushi ends up whining dramatically. “You hate me and you want me to die” The final cry only receives a chuckle from the younger, as if his suffering is somewhat amusing.
“He left once which means you could make him leave again” Daeyoung breathes out, not fully joking despite his playful smirk. “Can’t be that hard”
“It would help if i knew why he left”
“Yushi” The other’s voice is unusually stern- oddly serious. “There must’ve been something”
Yushi’s body stills at that.
He thinks- he tries to at least. Of course there was something, their relationship was never flawless by any means.
Not when Sion left without a proper explanation.
Not when Sion broke every promise they ever made to each other.
Not when Sion broke his heart after they spent weeks without contact due to his busy schedu-
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
“I don’t…” His throat goes dry, body cold. “I don’t know.”
♪
“Your smile” Sion had pointed out abruptly on top of him, eyes looking down with nothing but fondness as he stroked Yushi’s cheeks in comfort. “It’s beautiful- you’re beautiful” He whispered between their naked bodies.
Yushi chuckled sadly. He bit his lips, attention shifting away from the other words. Because although genuine, he couldn’t afford to believe such a shameless lie.
“Don’t listen to them” Sion reassured with confidence, a simple unwavering sentence that immediately broke through his train of thoughts. “I’m serious Yushi, fuck the company”
The company who told him that he wasn’t good enough, worthy enough- handsome enough. He was nothing, yet Sion looked at him like he was everything. So Yushi reached forward, hands going to gently caress the other’s face.
Then they traveled down his sweaty neck- mapping the surface of Sion’s skin until his palms landed on top of the other’s chest. Yushi took in the feeling of his boyfriend’s beating heart, a reminder that a living being still saw him as a person- more than just a mere product.
Sion had already kissed his lip numb- he had worshipped every haunting insecurity. But still, Yushi couldn’t help but pull the other down by his nape, lips moulding together like they were made solely for each other.
He sighed into Sion’s lips with content and suddenly, the world went silent. Yushi didn’t think about his stupid company or deteriorating health.
His mind was filled with Sion. Just Sion.
Sion’s warmth.
Sion’s love.
Sion’s body wrapped around him, like he was something precious to protect.
“Please” Yushi moaned against the other’s lips. “Want you”
“Yushi-“
“Please” He pleaded desperately once more. “Need you” Not the pleasure or high that came from a shallow orgasm. Yushi needed Sion. It was simple.
“I…” The other breathed out through a trembling sigh. “…don’t wanna hurt you”
A devastating confession he had blindly believed at the time.
“You’d never hurt me”
He gave the other everything that day. His trust. His heart. A part of himself that Sion forgot to give back.
♪
*Buzz buzz buzz*
Yushi’s body shoots up and the piercing sound of his alarm. His arms reach towards the phone in one swift motion- fingers moving frantically to kill the noise.
The screen lights up, naturally blinding his vision.
04:03 AM.
Great. He’s officially three minutes behind schedule. Yushi doesn’t know if he’s unprofessional or simply drained of energy. Regardless, this is the path he chose, so he gets up, like a machine simply programmed to do so.
Yushi slowly strolls through his bedroom door, mind still hazy until-
“Good morning” He flinches, shocked eyes landing on the familiar figure by his kitchen island.
“I brought breakfast” Sion utters carelessly, pastry bag in his hands.
As if everything is fine- easy.
Yushi doesn’t say anything for a while, he lets the uncomfortable silence settle between them as he glares at the other with nothing but hurt and betrayal.
“What are you even doing Sion?” He finally questions, voice broken as he chokes down a tired sob.
“My job” The other shrugs.
“Don’t be smart” Yushi shoots back, far from gently. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Look” Sion says before placing the bag of baked goods on the counter. “I was offered a job and took it, that’s all”
Right. The position was offered vaguely. Sion didn’t know- he doesn’t truly want anything to do with Yushi anymore.
He doesn’t know why the realization hits like a bullet, one can only wonder why it seems to cut right through his chest.
“Quit” Yushi demands sternly, earning nothing but a chuckle from the other.
“Yushi” A sound he hasn't heard in years, his heart drops- all the way to the pits of his stomach.
The name sounds disgusting from Sion’s tongue. It’s so familiar he wants to bend over and throw up in discomfort.
“I’ve got a contract” His ex-boyfriend mumbles with his newfound unbothered demeanour, a sentence that simply translates to- It’s transactional.
“Terminate it”
“That’s not how it works”
“I don’t care” Yushi chokes out, composure crumbling by the minute. “I don’t care Sion, i was starting to forget- i forgot all about yet here you are because my feelings never mattered to you did they?” A defeated sigh. “You’re being selfish”
The statement isn’t received with a verbal response, Sion only shuffles closer, legs moving towards where Yushi is standing until he’s able to recognize every detail he thought was buried and burned from his memories.
“I’m being logical” Sion stretches out a stubborn arm- presenting the bag yet again. “Just eat, i got donuts, your favorite”
Of course he remembers.
“They’re not my favourite” He denies, not a complete lie. “I’m not eating”
“We leave in an hour” The other states as a matter of fact. “Come on, eat”
“Stop living in the past” Yushi mumbles and the statement seems to hit Sion harder than intended because for once- the other doesn’t argue.
“I don’t like donuts”
False. He did, still does.
“I’m not hungry”
I can’t eat. I’m not allowed to eat.
It’s the last thing Yushi utters before turning his heel to disappear into the bathroom. He lets the door swing shut behind him in a loud bang, lungs slowly learning how to breathe again as Sion’s shadow fades from his sight.
♪
The car ride is painfully awkward. Yushi doesn’t say anything- he doesn’t want to. He tries not to focus on the way Sion is driving.
His ex-boyfriend had always been scared of the road, it was a running joke, a gag between the two of them. Not that it matters now anyway.
He simply observes.
Sion doesn’t start much of a conversation either. The other’s gaze is focused- fixed on the pavement. He doesn’t give Yushi a glance.
Except he does.
There’s a brief look, a concerned one as the silence is interrupted by a loud growl from Yushi’s stomach. He brushes it off, both the feeling of hunger and the piercing feeling of Sion’s trembling eyes.
♪
“Tokuno Yushi?”
“I thought he’d cancel”
“Another attitude scandal”
“Yeah, he’s a brat”
Yushi drowns out the baseless whispers surrounding him as he walks through the cramped Inkigayo hallway. They’re all lies anyway, stories exaggerated by the media who see him as a villain regardless.
They don’t know him- he’ll never allow them to know him, because being open and vulnerable in this industry is the same as feeding yourself to the wolves after all.
“Yushi?” A voice calls out, immediately grabbing his attention. “Shocker” The other taunts. “I thought you’d cancel.
He can’t help but roll his eyes as the figure slowly invades his space, and just as he had excepted- it’s none other than Park Jaejin, the leader of yet another boygroup in the oversaturated industry.
One of Yushi’s many personal fanboys.
“I’d invite you over for a challenge but it wouldn’t be good for our image” The other taunts with a cocky grin on his face.
“Some talent would be good for your image” He shoots back lazily, already ready to end the conversation.
“Coming from the known pretty boy” Jaejin sings sarcastically, failing to hide the bitterness in his words.
The known pretty boy.
The known trouble maker.
The known brat.
It’s not the first degrading title he has gotten from the media and certainly not the last. Which is why Yushi simply shrugs- calm and unbothered, for the sole purpose of getting at the other’s nerves.
“The keyword is known…” He turns his heel before Jaejin sees the opportunity to snap back. “Something you’re not because you obsess over me like a fan”
An offended scoff fills the air.
Then he moves with the speed of life, not willing to waste more time entertaining the interaction. Yushi marches through the hallway filled with judgemental stares and whispers they assume he doesn’t hear. He’s standing in front of his waiting room in a matter of seconds.
“Good morning” Riku utters in a yawn, fingers already rattling through a bag of never-ending products as he slowly makes his way inside. “Ready to get dolled up?”
“Do i have a choice?” Yushi replies in an empty chuckle.
“I could send you out in a hoodie and get fired”
“The head of PR wouldn’t like that” He jokes through a faint smirk as he plops lazily onto the empty makeup chair.
The other’s face heats up uncontrollably at Yushi’s words. Riku chokes on his own spit, hands shooting up to bang the surface of his chest repeatedly as he coughs the embarrassment away.
“Right, anyway” His stylist quickly diverts the topic through a dry throat. “Your manager dropped this off for you” Riku slides it towards him in one quick motion. A warm take-away bag and the familiar scent of his favourite pork broth. It’s food, ramen to be specific.
It’s stupid. So fucking stupid Yushi can only muster the strength to throw his head back in a tired groan, arms shooting up to push the meal away stubbornly.
“Asshole” He says through gritted teeth. “Not hungry” Yushi concludes simply. However, Riku isn’t convinced, and yet, his stylist’s gaze meets his reflection with nothing but understanding.
Because the other gets it, no one gets the toxic beauty standards of his career path as much as Riku.
It’s different.
The other’s quiet look of acknowledgement is far different from Sion’s loud naivety.
“How do you like him?” Riku finally asks, fingers tangled in Yushi’s golden locks as the other pins his hair back.
“I don’t”
“Oh don’t give me that” He’s met with the other’s usual cheeky smile. “The guy is hot”
What?
No- well, yes. But it’s not something Yushi is willing to admit, let alone dwell on.
Truthfully, Oh Sion is handsome, both objectively and subjectively speaking. Yushi can almost pinpoint the details his brain couldn’t help but saviour. The other’s long lashes for one. His plump lips- soft to the touch. His maddening gaze that pierces through every layer of skin and straight to your heart.
And fuck, where was he again?
“Right…” He agrees halfheartedly. “By the way” It’s Yushi’s turn to shamelessly divert the conversion now. “Daeyoung asked you out on lunch”
“Yeah” A high pitched giggle. “I got his text”
“He finally grew balls?”
“Don’t know” Riku’s arms creep around his shoulders in a loose backhug. He can’t help but chuckle softly as the other’s bright smile meets his gaze in the mirror. “I’ll report back to you once i have them in my mouth”
“Stop ew” Yushi gags out in disgust.
“I invited Sion too, just so you know” His stylist sings as he skips happily to the front of their vanity, ignoring Yushi’s distaste to traumatise him further.
“No” An immediate and stern rejection. He barely gives himself a minute to think, simply because it’s not necessary. “I’d rather get into a moving car with Yuta”
Riku stills, arms freezing midway through opening his favourite toner as he gives Yushi an unimpressed glare at the mention of his brother’s horrendous driving.
“Don’t get all suicidal on me”
*Smack*
He flinches, eyes immediately shutting on their own as the other’s wet palms fly towards his cheeks in a row of feather-like taps
“We’re celebrating your win, not putting you up on a blind date”
Yushi tries to ignore the ironic nature of Riku’s words.
“You think I’ll win?” He breathes out instead, unable to conceal the doubt weighing down on his heart.
“Yushi” The other cuts in. “You didn’t do anything wrong”
Reassurance. Comfort.
It’s easy to say yet so so hard to believe, because he knows what the media thinks and it’s never anything nice- far from anything remotely empathetic. His career feels like a lengthy game of push and pull against the public’s perception of the person he presents himself to be.
But here’s the kicker, bad publicity is also good publicity to a certain degree. Which is why Yushi’s shock only lasts for a brief moment before he’s handed the glass trophy through a row of forced cheers and sour faces from his peers.
There’s a decent encore stage- he tries his best.
And then, there’s Riku jumping into his arms with a bright smile that screams i told you so. He should feel happy, maybe even celebrate with this staff. Yushi only gives an empty smile, one that resembles the hollow feeling in his chest that remains.
♪
“You’re late” Daeyoung calls out from where he’s seated in the middle of the barbecue restaurant.
Truthfully, Yushi didn’t believe that Sion would actually show up when Riku mentioned the sudden invitation. But there he is, smiling and laughing at one of Daeyoung’s many dry jokes.
The other always enjoyed those after all.
“Sorry” Riku sings, hands reaching to catch Yushi’s wrist in an unexpected grip. “Certain people refused to show up”
“Certain people are overworked and underpaid” He groans. Allowing the other to drag his tired body like some kind of limp rag doll.
“That’s all of us sweetheart” There’s barely any time to process Riku’s snarky comment before Yushi is forcefully manhandled onto the empty chair in front of them.
And suddenly, before he knows it-
“Congrats”
Sion’s voice rings through his head like a haunting memory. He naturally ignores his manager, gaze shifting towards the menu almost like a trauma response.
Yushi hears a silent yikes coming Daeyoung’s side, the final nail in the coffin. He immediately jumps to the emergency plan constructed in his mind beforehand.
“Excuse me!” His arm shoots up firmly as he gives the nearest waiter a blinding smile. “Two bottles of soju please” Yushi sings softly, not even bothering to look at the meal options.
“Yushi” Sion chimes in sternly. “You’ve got early schedules tomorrow”
“Three bottles!” He yells out instead, completely disregarding the other’s existence.
“This is going to be so fun” Another sarcastic whisper from Daeyoung.
Yushi lets the silence stretch as Riku’s gaze jumps back and forth between the pair in utter confusion.
“You’re being childish” Sion finally snaps. The other shoots him an accusatory finger- ironically enough reminiscent of a toddler. “You’re such a child sometimes”
“That’s funny” He bites back with equal amounts of immaturity. “You always wanted children didn’t you?”
It’s bitter. It’s low. It stings.
Yushi almost feels bad as Sion’s body freezes in disbelief.
“Don’t even…” A hurtful scoff. “Don’t even use that”
Because the topic is personal- unrelated to the situation. But the funny thing about resentment? It takes over and speaks on its own, regardless of how much you try to bury it.
“So” Riku cuts in, clearing his throat awkwardly. “You’ve got a partner?” The other breathes out towards Sion in an attempt to break the heavy tension.
“Had” They correct at the same time- Yushi’s eyes refusing to stray away from Sion’s burning gaze.
“Oh my god” It’s Daeyoung’s turn to sigh now. “Come-“ The other pulls Riku to his feet before directing him away by the waist. “We’ll order, you two just…” He waves a frantic finger between them. “Cool off”
Great. Just great.
His friends are gone with the blink of an eye, leaving him alone with Sion and a suffocating silence. Yushi doesn’t speak, it’s more than a mere choice- it’s simply a refusal to do so.
It’s not until his many bottles of alcohol reach their table Yushi opens his stubborn mouth to utter a gentle thank you. He snaps one of the pink caps open- peach soju quickly filling up his shot glass before a warm touch surrounds his wrist, stopping him halfway.
“Remember the interview tomorrow” His manager pushes yet again.
He thinks it’s funny. How hard it is for Sion to give up on things that don’t matter.
“I can handle myself” Yushi lies.
“You can barely handle three shots”
“Just-“ He escapes Sion’s grip with a harsh tug. “Give up, I’m drinking whether you like it or not”
“You’re my job” The other doesn’t back down, far from it. “I can’t just give up”
“You already gave up three years ago” Yushi finally cries out- breaks.
The raw truth hurts. He watches as Sion visibly flinches at the reminder. They fall into yet another silence, not one filled with childish pride this time. It’s tense, full of hurt, betrayal- untreated wounds. His ex-boyfriend swallows the lump in his throat, perhaps even choking down the pool of tears that are threatening to escape.
“Stop living in the past” Sion deliberately throws Yushi’s own words back at him in a way that burns. “I think it’ll be better if we just focus on our jobs for now” The other forces out.
But that’s not it- not even remotely close to the apology Yushi had shamelessly expected.
“Because our past means nothing to you right?” It’s getting heated, he’s aware people are watching in curiosity, he doesn’t care. “That’s why it was so easy for you to leave. Did you even care? Did you even love m-“
“Don’t.”
Sion interrupts, voice trembling. That’s the exact moment Yushi looks- properly looks right through the other’s relaxed front and fabricated calm demeanour.
“I loved you through everything” The words are soft, nothing but genuine.
And he remembers.
The days he used to sneak back into their old dance academy- seeking comfort in Sion’s warmth whenever things got hard.
The days his ex-boyfriend would hide food in his bag for Yushi to secretly eat despite his company’s strict rules.
The days Sion would reassure him. Let him know that he’s good enough, pretty enough, strong enough.
Yushi remembers- he thinks he does.
“Then why…” His sentence dies out. There’s a brief moment of hesitation but Sion doesn’t rush nor push him. “Why was it so easy for you to leave?” Yushi eventually forces out- there’s no anger, only sheer vulnerability.
“It wasn’t easy” Sion whispers. It’s simple, blank- a conclusion.
Yushi expects the conversation to end just like that as the shadows of his friends slowly approach their private moment. But then, the unpredictable happens-
“And you gave up too” The other mumbles through a shaky sigh, words hanging between them like a guilty accusation, only for Yushi to hear. “Easily.”
It’s hard not to flip the table and cause a scene at the nerve- the shameless fucking audacity.
“I didn’t”
Technically. Factually.
“Yeah?” Sion smiles sadly. “It felt like you did”
Yushi doesn’t know what the words mean and he doesn't try to figure it out, because Sion’s words are nothing but empty and meaningless- just as he remembers.
♪
He decides to play the game. Sion isn’t going to quit on his own terms anytime soon- clearly. So Yushi goes along with it, whatever challenge the other has unknowingly provoked on him.
He’ll make Sion quit no matter what it takes.
It starts off as him being annoying, a menace in the other’s life to put it simply. Yushi plays the part to the best of his abilities. Not that it’s hard to begin with, he can pretend like his ex-boyfriend is a stranger all he wants. But truth be told, no one knows Oh Sion better than Yushi.
His waiting room is quiet, unusually empty as he lets Riku decorate his face to his liking. The other is humming happily, wrists moving in a silent concentration that gets interrupted by a loud-
*Click*
Yushi doesn’t need to shift his attention before becoming aware of Sion’s presence. It’s all a part of the plan after all.
“Here” The other gives Riku a faint smile before placing his favourite smoothie order by the vanity. “Ladies first” Sion jokes, receiving an amused smirk from the stylist.
“Thanks” Riku sings, not wasting time before gathering the cup in his hands. “Let’s take a little break, we’ve still got time” He suddenly announces around the plastic straw before slumping down on the sofa in a satisfied groan.
Yushi barely gets the chance to protest before his own drink is silently placed in front of him. Sion doesn’t utter a word. The other only leans back against the wall, hands buried in his pockets in a manner Yushi is oh so familiar with.
Unbothered- except he’s not.
Sion is trying to play it cool.
He swallows the dry scoff threatening to escape his throat but allows his eyes to roll back in a disappointed sigh.
“Not what i asked for” Yushi mumbles, disinterested and far from pleased. “Get me coffee instead"
The tension only thickens after that. He can hear the sound of Riku’s jeans scraping the cushions as his stylist shifts uncomfortably from where he’s seated.
Sion clears his throat. Amplifying the awkward atmosphere.
“It’s a carrot and celery smoothie” His manager states firmly as a matter-of-fact. “You asked for vegetables”
“What do you think coffee beans are? Berries?”
“Be serious Yushi”
“Are beans vegetables?” He mocks. “Google it”
“No” Sion bites back coldly, hands never leaving the comfort of his pockets. “I’m not getting you a new drink”
“If you’re not going to do your job then quit”
“No”
“No?” Yushi says in a baffled gasp. “You can’t just no me-“
“Guys” Riku’s voice quickly interrupts, de-escalating the situation too soon for his liking. “It’s just a fucking drink” His stylist breathes out in defeat before shooting back up on his feet, already reaching out towards the vanity before continuing where they left off.
It’s safe to say that they worked in dead silence after that. Yushi tries to ignore the way Sion barges out of the room unannounced right before his shoot. He tries to ignore the way his manager walks back in minutes later with a jet black americano in his hands, completely unsweetened, his usual.
He tries to ignore the other’s burning stare as he shyly sips on his drink- failing miserably to conceal the growing grin on his face.
♪
They say that third time’s a charm, but Yushi can’t help but wish for his luck to kick in only at his second attempt. The tension on set has been anything but lighthearted so far. He’s not unfamiliar with show hosts and their invasive nature.
But really, it gets to a fucking point.
“Relax, make yourself at home…” The host teases. “We don’t want another attitude scandal, do we?” Then he laughs- like it’s funny somehow. But Yushi doesn’t have the right to argue or defend himself for that matter, so he simply follows suit, eyes curling up forcefully as he lets out a row of airy laughs.
“Oh but his new manager- you guys won’t believe it” The old man suddenly gasps out, just dramatically enough for tv. “He’s crazy handsome, i almost thought he stole your job”
Yushi only smiles. It’s empty, yet convincing enough for now.
“Don’t worry sunbaenim” He bites back softly. “He still needs talent for that” Yushi looks straight ahead, gaze hovering over the camera to where Sion is surrounded by the crew.
“HAHAHAHA” The host claps frantically, face going red at his exaggerated laughter. “Wow- this guy is funny” He points a finger towards Yushi, so boldly it’s almost rude.
And Sion? He only smirks behind the camera. Not quite the reaction Yushi had expected. So he pushes further- shamelessly playing with the other’s patience, just to see how much Sion is willing to take. He has gotten on his ex-boyfriend's nerves countless times throughout the years, this can’t be any different from spilling ramen all over Sion’s white sheets.
“I’m joking, manager-nim is actually a good dancer you know?”
That’s when the other freezes, eyes widening in shock.
Perfect.
“Oh? So you’re close?” The host questions, just as taken aback by his words.
“Childhood friends” Yushi lies shamelessly, they were never just friends. “We taught each other how to dance” Not a lie. “Funny story actually…”
His gaze shifts back towards Sion, simply to observe the other’s reaction, and just as predicted, Yushi is met with a frantic head shake that’s practically begging for him to shut the fuck up.
Naturally, he ignores the plea.
“His bedroom door broke once…danced too hard and fell trying to practice for the school’s talent show” Yushi lets out a genuine chuckle at the memory. “Which he lost by the way”
The whole set erupts into a fit of laughter before he knows it. Yushi smiles as the host struggles to keep his posture, hands going to embrace his own aching stomach. Then he looks over to where Sion is standing. His manager’s face is bright red, clearly embarrassed, and yet, he’s smiling.
It’s wide, bashful, unreadable- and hell, definitely not the reaction Yushi had wanted. But he tries not to get desperate, not this quickly.
♪
He quickly gets desperate.
To a degree that’s almost embarrassing.
“It’s eleven pm” Sion’s muted voice rings through his phone, a sound he hasn't heard in years after deleting the other’s number. Yushi had swallowed his pride and typed the familiar digits almost too naturally for his own liking.
“Don’t care” He sings, one side of his face planted lazily on the couch. “I wanna go to the convince store which means you’re going with me”
“That wasn’t in the job description”
“So what?” Yushi challenges towards the speaker as if Sion is physically there to witness his little tantrum. “You’re gonna let me roam around alone at night? What if i die? Do you want me to die? You want me to die, don’t you?”
*Beeep*
And then, Sion hangs up. Leaving Yushi alone with nothing but silence and his own baffled reflection on the now empty screen.
That’s how they end up walking side by side towards the nearest convenience store. It didn’t take a lot of convincing before Sion showed up frustrated by his doorstep, but it definitely took him by surprise.
“It’s cold outside”
The only words that left his manager’s mouth.
Yushi ends up wearing a simple black hoodie, paired with a cap big enough to cover his face- his identity.
Right. It’s a simple outfit. Nothing special.
But still, he can’t help but feel slightly thrown off by their awkward match. Sion’s hoodie is black- with the same length, silver zipper and even the similar heart shaped red logo placed on the left side of his body, just above his chest.
It’s scary- definitely a tantrum for another day.
“So what are you getting?” Sion asks through a trembling breath, body shivering as the autumn breeze slowly falls upon them.
“Nothing” Yushi shrugs calmly only to be met with a beat of silence and the other’s puzzled glare from the corner of his eyes.
“Nothing?” His manager’s jaw hangs open in betrayal. “Then what the fuck am i doing out here?”
“You’re taking a walk with me” He utters, leaving no room for arguments.
“A walk?”
“A walk”
Yushi continues to skip happily through the dark street, smile widening as Sion’s annoyance grows as well. There isn’t much talking for a while, the sounds of their shoes scraping the pavement fills the air instead, distracting them from the awkward silence that grows between them.
It doesn’t take a while before he starts hearing voices- not from Sion, but rather loud whispers that start to surround them.
“Is that…”
“Oh my god is it him??”
“Should we ask for a picture?”
Perfect. Exactly what he needed for his little scheme.
Yushi looks at Sion and smiles. It’s not the one that blooms across his face whenever Daeyoung is lucky enough to utter a good joke. This one hangs lazily- it’s more like a simple grin, and yet, it’s far from simple for Sion.
Because the other knows him, he knows what the expression may imply and to put it plainly- Yushi is about to do something utterly stupid.
“Yushi” Sion whispers between them, practically begging before he manages to utter a word. “Yushi no.”
But it’s too late, Yushi's goal is clear. So he reaches up- grin still proudly plastered on his face as the other’s expression twists into one of pure horror.
Then with one simple motion, his cap flies off, revealing his identity in a matter of seconds.
It doesn’t take a while before Sion grabs his wrist, eyes widening in panic as a wave of gut wrenching screams begin to echo around them. His manager sprints before his fans do, dragging Yushi along with him to avoid the uncontrollable crowd.
“Wait-“ He wheezes, already out of breath. “A b-break i think…” A cough. “I just need to- shit!”
There’s an unexpectedly sharp turn, Sion drags him deep into a dark alleyway, hidden from the sea of fans. It doesn’t take a while before Yushi’s back hits the brick wall on a soft thud and fuck his heart might’ve stopped because the other cages him, frame completely drowning his body in a way that’s almost protective.
Then it hits him. Sion’s familiar sweet scent, the way his manager’s arms fit perfectly around him, the necklace that dangles in front of him the same way it used to hover only in their most intimate moments-
Yushi hates it. He hates the way his heart starts pounding like it has a soul on its own.
The streets fall silent yet again, fans long gone, and yet, he can’t find the right words.
“You’re such a little shit” Sion forces out in a row of heavy breaths, chest heaving frantically. “I know what you’re doing”
“And?” He challenges breathlessly, head tilting to the side as he bats his eyelashes hopefully, like the little shit that he is.
There’s an airy scoff.
“And I’m not quitting”
“Oh come oooon” Yushi whines, face scrunched as he stomps the ground like a displeased toddler. “You hate this job!”
“I’ve gone through worse” Sion mumbles, arms still around him.
“B-but…” He clumsily stutters. “What about my attitude? I’m a menace!”
“I’ll handle you” The other simply shrugs. Holy shit, he’s actually dead set on this.
“I won’t give you a day of peace”
“Bring it on”
“I’m extremely rude to my managers, you know that? Genuinely insufferable”
“Doesn’t matter”
“You’re unfit for the job” Yushi pulls this one out of his ass. Logically speaking, Sion is the best fit, if not the perfect fit to put up with his difficult nature.
“How?” Oh how he wants to wipe that overly confident smirk off his ex boyfriend’s face.
“You don’t even know my government kpop fursona!”
“Cat” Sion cuts in quicker than lighting. “An orange one” Specifics too. Perhaps Yushi had underestimated him after all.
“You can’t even name one song”
“The charts speak for themselves”
Holy shit, he’s too good at this.
“I kissed Daeyoung” One final warning, one final attempt to get Sion out of his life, this time permanently. “We’ve got something going on”
“No you don’t” Sion says in a heartbeat, barely giving Yushi’s words a second thought. “He already told me the cheeseball story”
Great. There goes that plan too. He can’t help but mentally curse his friend as Sion looks down on him in nothing but amusement.
“And also…” There’s a quiet yet cocky whisper before his manager tugs the fabric draped loosely over his body. “This is mine”
What.
Yushi’s gaze drops down- neck cracking at the sudden movement. Then it dawns on him. He remembers now.
It’s indeed Sion’s hoodie. The one he never gave back. The one he had conveniently enough, forgotten about.
“Asshole” It’s the only word Yushi is able to muster before the warmth of Sion’s body disappears. The other starts walking off, hands in his pockets in a smug smile.
“Really?” He shouts from where he’s leaned against the wall. “You’re just going to leave me here?”
“You’ll follow me anyway” Sion shouts back, too confidently for Yushi’s liking. But the other isn’t necessarily wrong, because he ends up trailing right behind, bottom lip curled in a pout as they slowly make their way back home.
“Stop sulking”
“Shut up”
♪
It’s been a long day to say the least. Yushi doesn’t even recall what the twelve hour shoot was for anymore. A fashion brand? Some skincare line? Not that it matters, because he still showed up and looked pretty. Yushi did his job. He didn’t sing or dance- just the little extra that comes with it.
His body feels completely drained of energy, he’s barely standing, just floating as he fights the weight of his heavy eyelids. Yushi doesn’t know why he decides to open the empty refrigerator in front of him, it’s nothing but mere decoration anyway- simply for his home to seem normal.
Funny thing is, he scans over the items regardless, just to make sure.
Some jelly- konjac of course, the ones filled with vitamins and the promise of a successful diet. Then there are a few apples, not so fresh anymore. Some sweet potatoes, vegetables here and there. Then lastly, a bottle of wine.
So Yushi says fuck it, he needs some happiness in his system anyway.
“On an empty stomach?” Sion’s concerned voice rings through his ears as he grabs the bottle with little to no hesitation. “Remember the press conference” The other reminds him, not preventing Yushi from pouring himself a glass however.
“I know i know” He tries to reassure before taking a seat by the kitchen island in a satisfied sigh. “I’ll manage”
But it’s far from convincing, because Sion only looks at him, gaze so genuine Yushi almost forgets about the betrayal and resentment still carried between them.
“Yushi” It’s soft and tender. Everything he doesn’t want it to be. “I’m serious, you’ll feel like shit tomorrow” Sion is dangerously close now, body basically draped on top of his counter.
“I said I’ll manage” He mumbles stiffly into his glass.
A sentence his manager barely gets the chance to argue against before his phone buzzes- sending vibrations all the way to where Yushi’s elbows are resting on top of the marble surface.
Sion’s screen lights up and the name? It’s familiar. Their childhood friend- well, former friend.
Park Wonbin.
He swallows the lump in his stomach, already lightheaded from the first few sips of alcohol.
“You’re still in contact?” The words slip out, cold and bitter although he doesn’t intend for them to be. “So what, he still giggles when he sees you? Are you like together now?”
“Why?” Sion whispers quietly. “Would it matter?” An answer he didn’t quite expect.
Blindsided- Yushi tries to play it off cool. Of course it wouldn’t matter. They’re long done, the strings are long gone.
“No” He hopes the lie settles between them without question. “Why would it?”
It’s straight forward, simple- the obvious answer. Yet he can’t help but notice the way Sion’s eyes tremble in regret, maybe even disappointment.
“Right” The other confirms halfheartedly. “It wouldn’t”
There’s a stretched silence. Yushi sips quietly, attention shifting around the room to avoid Sion’s eyes.
And then-
“We’re still friends yeah”
His chest suddenly feels light again, as if the weight of his doubts disappeared from that simple confirmation alone.
It’s stupid. It shouldn’t even matter. Hell, Yushi feels so so fucking stupid.
“Oh” Is all he responds with.
“You should contact them you know” Sion breathes out. “The guys miss you”
His manager may be right- but they’re not some naive kids messing around in the dance academy anymore. Yushi has a job now, a career, he can’t afford normal friendships, he simply doesn’t have the time.
“Maybe i will” Another lie.
♪
The venue is cold and eerie but not empty by any means as Yushi waits backstage. He has already gone over the scripted answers once, twice- ten times just to make sure. It’s not solely about pleasing the tabloids. It’s about pleasing his staff, the company, his boss, his fans.
Yushi didn’t get as much as one second of sleep the night before. Granted, he shouldn’t have drank as much as he did. Embarrassingly enough, Sion was right, not a fact he’s willing to admit.
He feels dizzy, perhaps it’s his dwindling health or maybe the crippling anxiety blooming through his chest, not like it matters. His reputation matters the most.
Perfection isn’t real- it’s a myth. An unachievable description, because humans are born to be flawed and imperfect in every way.
But that’s what Yushi has to be today. Perfect. Just that.
Cameras flick frantically as he makes his way on stage with Daeyoung trailing right behind. The venue is big- huge even, yet Yushi can’t help but suffocate under the attention.
There are eyes on him. Hundreds of them. Whispering and watching as if he’s some kind of zoo animal. It feels derogatory in a way, but he bows regardless- to show respect before taking a seat.
“Hello everyone” Yushi follows the script carefully. “This is Tokuno Yushi, I’d like to thank everyone for coming first of all…”
*Click click click*
The room starts spinning just slightly- maybe it’s the flash, who knows.
“I apologize for the inconvenience I’ve caused. Both to the victim and my fans whom I’ve troubled. I’ve acknowledge that-“
*Bang*
Yushi’s arm hits the table in a loud thud, preventing him from face planting directly onto the table. He’s able to spot Daeyoung’s look of concern in the corner of his eyes. Sweat starts dripping down his neck like an unstoppable waterfall.
Get yourself together.
“S-sorry” He stutters. The words sound muffled even to his own ears. It’s getting hot- his body heats up rapidly, insides burning up like he’s drowning.
“Are you ok?” Yushi thinks he hears a journalist scream out.
“Yushi”
He whips his head to the side. Daeyoung.
“Yushi are you-“
“I’m ok” He lies through slurred words. “We can continue”
“No” His friend immediately denies, hands going to cover his mic. Daeyoung leaks forward, lips gracing his ears as he whispers sternly. “We’ll call it off and reschedule, you’re not..“ A stressed sigh. “You’re not ok”
“I am i am, i just need to-“ Yushi turns towards the audience in one quick motion. “I’ll be back shortly, i thank you for the patience”
The voices start shortly after that.
“What?”
“Unprofessional”
“That’s why they say he’s a brat”
Something along the lines of that. He doesn’t know, all he knows is that he needs some space- air.
Yushi’s chair scrapes the floor as he gets up with trembling legs and that’s when it happens, everything collapses. His body- his mind.
Yushi hits the ground.
There’s a gasp. He thinks he hears the panicked commands of Daeyoung as staff starts to surround him. He’s conscious, barely. Yushi forces his eyes open stubbornly.
He can’t afford another scandal- this can’t be fucking happening.
But then, when he least expects it, a pair of strong arms surrounds his body. The scent is familiar, safe. So Yushi allows it- he physically can’t help it as his body goes limp. Eyes finally allowing themselves to close as the world around him goes completely silent.
♪
Daeyoung holds Yushi’s hand tightly as he slowly regains consciousness. He hears it before he properly sees it- the sounds of a busy hospital and his friend’s heavy breathing, clearly pitiful.
He’s strapped to machines, a few of them. Yushi is unable to recall how long he was out, or hell, even how he managed to reach the hospital.
And still, through the confusion, the only words he’s able to muster are-
“What are they saying?” Yushi asks weakly from the bed, voice trembling in his chest.
“That…” Daeyoung’s grip on his hand tightens, eyes shifting frantically to avoid Yushi’s gaze. “Don’t worry about it”
“Daeyoung”
“Yushi” His friend cuts in firmly, leaving no room for further arguments. “I’ll handle it”
Right, cleaning up his mess has been Daeyoung’s job for god-knows-how-long now. It’s a reassuring fact that Yushi is unable to protest against. So he takes a breather, body melting into the soft mattress underneath him, a sensation he hasn’t properly felt in months, maybe even years.
“How long was i out?” His words are slurred, body not fully awake just yet.
“A few hours”
“How many?”
“Just-“ Daeyoung leans back against his seat, lips between his teeth nervously as if he’s holding back tears. “Don’t think about alright?”
Those are the words that come out but Yushi knows better- please just rest. So he does. Well, at least he tries to before a row of questions begin to spill out uncontrollably.
“Where are the others?” His staff of course.
“Sion’s grabbing coffee"
“Not what i asked”
Daeyoung’s shoulders only fall in defeat, clearly unable to kill Yushi’s curiosity, he decides to give in.
“He kicked them out” The words hang between them like a criminal confession. But he doesn’t snap- or mentally curse Sion out like he’d usually do.
Something in Yushi breaks instead.
*Click*
Then, in true irony, just as tears start to form in the corner of his eyes, Oh Sion walks in. Hair slightly messy, eyebags swollen- sleep deprivation showing all over his face.
Their gazes meet and the world stops. Yushi watches as every possible emotion washes over his ex boyfriend’s face. Relief, worry, even guilt.
Daeyoung’s chair scratches the floor as he gets up- hands going to pat Yushi’s shoulders in comfort.
“I’ll be right back” Definitely code words for I’ll leave you two alone.
The hospital door closes shut in a light bang, and suddenly, it’s just them.
Sion and Yushi.
Face to face.
“You need to eat” Sion eventually utters after a brief silence. It’s straightforward and simple. A sentence Yushi quickly understands the implications of.
“I need to look good” He explains quickly- weakly.
“Yushi you-” An abrupt pause. His manager swallows, bites back his tears. “You’re…”
Beautiful. Perfect. Enough.
That’s what Sion would say back then. That’s what he hopes to hear.
“You’re killing yourself” But Yushi is hit with a fact instead.
“I’m doing my job”
“No- no. Your job is to sing and dance” Another undeniable fact. “You’re not a product ok? Fuck the company, I’m serious Yushi, remember what i told you back then?”
“There’s no back then” He bites back rapidly. “You told me to forget about back then. You told me that I didn’t need you back then”
“Yushi please, you need a break-“
“No, release a statement and reschedule the conference. I can’t afford to take a break”
Yushi leaves Sion no room to disagree. His words are clear and determined- it’s an order more than anything. And much to his surprise, the other obeys, although Yushi can tell that it physically hurts him to do so.