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Staying in the bed, Dennis felt cold.
In no means the room was cold, nor the man laying beside him. His body was warm, he knew it.
He felt cold from the inside, like there was an ice cube inside his chest. Like it was weighing on his heart, making it hard to pump warm blood in his body.
Soft snores were filling his ears, he wasn’t annoyed by them, god no. He loved hearing them, he found comfort in them even. First time he heard them, it felt so intimate. That he was allowed to know such thing about the man, that he was allowed to lay beside him, covering the bedsheets together.
He knew the man, Robby, also wasn’t against to cuddling. He once told Dennis ‘He loved to feel the warmth of his body, it’s just he is likely to let go once he’s asleep.’
It also made Dennis fill with warmth, again, knowing something so private, so intimate within the man made him feel special.
Dennis knew he wasn’t special. He knew this would come to an end, sooner or later. Trinity once told him to let go.
‘Let go if you know where this is going. Let go if you know you’ll be hurt.’
Dennis always knew where this was going, it started hurting the second it started.
He could not let go though, he didn’t want to let go too.
If he needed to be hurt, just for this to last one more second, he would take it.
—
When he first noticed, it was weird.
You know, the kind of weird you genuinely don’t know how you are supposed to react, so you keep silent.
He first noticed it with the looks, the looks Robby gave to Heather.
First time he saw it, he genuinely thought he was confusing it with something else.
It didn’t make sense in his mind after all ? Robby never mentioned her to him, he didn’t see them interact other than in a friendly manner.
He became hyper aware of her. Every breath she took around Robby, every little conversation between them, every gossip from the nurses. He took them all in, all while acting like he has nothing to do with them.
Soon he learned them, more likely, their past. It was from a hushed conversation, between some nurses he couldn’t exactly remember the names of.
“You think they will get back together again ?”
Whitaker decided to blend into the chorus of the ER. He was good at that, making himself blend with the background, be invisible.
“Oh i’m not sure. They were happy, but you know. I could see them getting married though.”
The other nurse gave that a giggle.
“I had my bets on them getting married, y’know! Still mad i lost 60 bucks over that.”
There were more to the conversation, he just couldn’t hear. He went back to his patients, went with whatever the day brought him.
—
When you become hyper aware of something, you notice things you genuinely don’t want to notice.
Dennis didn’t want to notice, yet he did.
The looks he caught, the ones Robby gave to Heather when he thought she wasn’t looking was not a one time thing. They happened, all the time. Whenever Robby didn’t think Dennis wasn’t looking at him, and Heather had her back turned to them, the looks were there.
It filled Dennis with such a jealousy, one he didn’t even know he could feel.
He still didn’t feel anything negative towards the woman, god no. She had no fault in this.
Dennis just, maybe felt disappointed ? It was embarrassing of him, to actually think Robby could love him.
He started his wishful thinking, hoping maybe, just maybe, Robby also sends the same looks his way when he’s not looking.
He knew that wasn’t true, he knew Robby wasn’t capable of looking at him like he did to her.
He could only imagine though, and if imagination could take the weight off his chest for a split second, he was going to do that.
—
Sometimes, he noticed things. Like how Robby often acted like he was too fragile, too sensitive.
He really wasn’t though. He didn’t need his doors to be opened, he didn’t need flowers from time to time, he didn’t need chocolate every time he felt down.
He wouldn’t say these were bad things, he adored them. They made his heart swell with a sickly sweetness.
He also knew they weren’t for him.
These, all the sweet little things weren’t for him. They were for her, he couldn’t swear on it over his name that all these, were things he did to her.
—
One time, Robby cooked for him at his apartment. It wasn’t like he didn’t cook for him, it was just a special little day and they were trying to make it be special.
Robby was making his Bubba’s recipe, Dennis’s instructions were easy.
‘Set the table, and wait prettily.’
It was easy, Dennis felt like he was being spoiled and who he is to say no to getting spoiled by his..situation..kinda. lover.
Yeah, they weren’t official, but they also weren’t ‘not official’.
Dennis told Robby he didn’t care about labels before, he had no right to push the man into a relationship if he didn’t want it. He was content with what they had, there wasn’t a need to ‘put a name to it’ and possibly ruin everything.
Dennis set the table, making sure every small detail was taken care of. He wanted to show Robby he did a good job, have the man be proud of him.
They would eat together, Robby would give Dennis a kiss on the forehead, Dennis would nuzzle into him. A sweet moment, he imagined.
His dreams were cut short by Robby’s phone ringing though, it the was on the couch where they both left their phones at so Robby asked him to bring it to him. Couldn’t leave the food alone!
Dennis complied, rushing to get the phone before it stopped ringing.
He knew it was rude to look at who was calling, he shouldn’t have done that but he did.
He did and yet, he still brought it to Robby.
They didn’t eat dinner together that day, Robby didn’t give Dennis a kiss on the forehead. Instead, he went to Heather. Wherever she was, he didn’t care.
Dennis simply sat on the couch, next to his phone. Dimmed the lights, and stared into the closed TV.
When Robby came back, later in the night he saw the food he made was in the freezer, the table was still set, and Dennis was asleep at the living room.
—
Jack Abbot was a man of patience. He could read through anything and everyone, he was unstoppable and had way too many thoughts going through his mind all at once. Jack of many trades, you could say.
When he first found Dennis at the Rooftop, he was kind of surprised. Not that much, no. Everyone had their own struggles, but he was still good at reading who is actually suicidal and who is not.
This was a simple case of ‘wanting to be alone’.
He of course knew about them, Robby and Dennis.
When Robby first came to him, letting him know about the situation he didn’t know what to say. He joked about it, asked if Robby still ‘had it in him’ to keep up with a 26 year old.
Which resulted in a glare! Mean, he thought. He was genuinely curious, maybe!
He knew what this was about, he knew why he didn’t know what to say back then.
Robby was still in love with Heather after all. It was no time before the poor boy also noticed it.
It wasn’t fair, no.
The poor boy loved that old man. Genuinely loved him, but sometimes love alone wasn’t enough.
Jack, didn’t want to startle the boy. He made himself known by stepping on the ground a little too loudly, announcing he was coming closer.
“You think he’ll ever love me, like he loves her ?”
The voice cut through the air like a sharp scalpel. It was spoken so softly, like it didn’t expect an answer. Like it already knew the answer.
Jack, knew his answer would hurt the boy. But it wasn’t fair to him.
He couldn’t stab his brother behind his back, but he also wanted to protect this boy. Somehow make it known that he was seen, he was understood.
“You think you could look at someone else with the same eyes you did to him ?”
Silence again, Jack wondered if he went too far, if this was too heavy.
Dennis, didn’t open his mouth again. They stood there in silence for another 5 minutes before Dennis left. His nose and face red from the cold, a fake smile tugging on his lips.
—
Staying in the bed, Dennis felt cold.
In no means the room was cold, nor the man laying beside him. His body was warm, he knew it.
He inhaled the scent he loved so much, let it add to the weight on his chest.
This was going to break him someday, yet he couldn’t find it in him to care.
He was being selfish, he was being selfless.
He choose to turn in bed, snuggle himself to the man sleeping next to him. The soft snores stopped for a second before he felt arms cradling him. The arms felt like more weight, pushing on his chest.
He ignored the name calling again, like how he always did. It wasn’t his name after all, there was no need to reply to it. He refused to wake the man up from his slumber to ask him why he wasn’t calling him by the name. Why was he saying another name in his sleep, all while cradling Dennis to his chest.
No, he wasn’t going to do that.
—
Some years later, Dennis saw that nurse again. The one who lost 60 bucks, she was happily talking about winning around 400 bucks over a bet they made years ago, one she lost 60 bucks to.
He went upstairs, he needed to reach to the top before he went to the bottom.