Chapter Text
If Zenitsu had to describe himself, one word would be enough.
Unremarkable.
He was neither tall nor short, he was neither handsome, nor was he ugly. He wasn’t particularly strong, and he wasn’t particularly weak. He didn’t excel in any subject, but he also didn’t fail a single one–his grades were perfectly decent. Yes, his blond hair might draw some attention, but Zenitsu firmly believed that hair colour alone couldn’t be counted as anyone’s defining characteristic. It wasn’t as if he had dyed it to make a fashion statement either–he hadn’t dyed it in the first place (“all natural, baby”) and having one’s natural hair colour felt like the very definition of average again.
So.
“Unremarkable.”
Inosuke’s forehead furrowed in a way that spelled trouble.
“That won’t do, Kotatsu!” he exclaimed, slamming his palms on the table in emphasis. Zenitsu jumped slightly at the loud sound, but Inosuke continued, undeterred. “How am I supposed to win the auction with that? Who’s gonna bid on ‘unremarkable’? What’s that even supposed to mean? You’re not unremarkable. Here, gimme that!”
Without waiting for Zenitsu to hand the paper over, Inosuke snatched it from his grasp.
“Cries a lot,” Inosuke read the words out loud as he wrote them down. “Stubbed his toe at Kendo practice and was absent from training for two weeks because of it.”
Okay, perhaps unremarkable was just the most flattering way for Zenitsu to describe himself.
“Stop that!” Zenitsu flailed, trying to wrestle the page back from his friend, who was having none of it. “What will people think about me?”
Inosuke held the paper safely above his head, out of Zenitsu’s reach. “I’m not gonna let you ruin my victory by being difficult about this!”
“What victory are you even talking about?” Zenitsu’s exasperation was quickly reaching its boiling point. This was ridiculous. Everything about this was ridiculous. “This is a matchmaking event! Where people introduce their friends to help them find dates! There is no winning!”
“Well, with that mindset there surely isn’t,” Inosuke huffed. “I’ll be the one with the friend who gets the most date offerings by the end of the night! And I won’t let you be the reason I lose, so if unremarkable is the best you can do to describe yourself, then the great Inosuke will have to do all the work.”
Zenitsu truly didn’t know what he had done to deserve this. Okay, perhaps he could think of a few things–befriending this boar-head of a stubborn person first and foremost. Not that being friends with Inosuke was a bad thing. Usually. It just came with its own challenges. Suddenly being signed up for a matchmaking event where Inosuke of all people was going to pitch him to prospective love interests being one of them.
“Why did you even sign me up for this!”
Inosuke looked at him as if the answer was obvious, and Zenitsu was being dense on purpose. Perhaps he was.
“You’re always complainin’ ‘bout how university is ‘supposed to be the time for love’,” Inosuke formed air-quotes as his voice rose in pitch to a frankly insulting impression of Zenitsu, ”and ‘everyone is paired up except for you’. So, be happy! Be grateful! I’ve never shied away from a challenge! I’ll make you the most popular boy, nah, the most popular person, of the whole event! The most popular this event has ever seen and ever will see!”
Zenitsu winced. Not at the volume, although Inosuke’s impassioned proclamation had been loud enough to draw glances from around them. No, he winced because the truth of the matter was that yes, Zenitsu complained about being single, but he also wasn’t interested in finding just any romantic partner. If he told Inosuke, however, he would have to explain himself; something he decidedly wasn’t ready for. So he kept quiet.
Inosuke, seeming to take Zenitsu’s silence as approval, brought the page back down to the table, pen poised above it. “Now, lemme work! I’ve got a list to finish! Let’s see... can eat an entire cake in ten minutes. A big one, meant for six people.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Zenitsu wailed, holding his hands up in defeat. “I will do it! I will write down facts about myself that you can introduce me with.”
“Huh? But I’m doing so well?” Inosuke looked at Zenitsu with innocently widened eyes.
Oh no. He couldn’t just say that those facts would send everyone running for the hills, and that Zenitsu would do a much better job at picking out things that were going to attract interest. He had to avoid triggering Inosuke’s competitiveness at all costs. Time to switch gears. “You’ve already done so much for me, and you’re going to do all the work at the event too. The least I can do is to support you. You know, to show my gratitude.”
Inosuke hummed in an overt display of considering Zenitsu’s proposal. “Guess if ya put it that way, ain’t nothin’ I can do about it. Very well, Enpitsu! Show your gratitude by writing down facts so captivating I’ll receive the highest bidding for you! And don’t worry if you can’t come up with all five, I’ll fill out whatever you leave empty!”
Zenitsu grimaced. “There’s not going to be any bidding! It’s not a meat market!”
But Inosuke was too busy laughing and puffing out his chest in pride at how good a friend he was to even deign Zenitsu a reply.
With a weary sigh, Zenitsu looked at the piece of paper that Inosuke had finally yielded to him. It was a form, the top reserved for basic facts about “The Friend” including name (Zenitsu struck through Kisetsu and replaced it with Zenitsu, praying that Inosuke would actually read it as written), age (22) and height (151cm 171cm wth Inosuke how small do you think I am?). There were entries for education, including his current major (electrical engineering) and academic year (second year). Underneath were five empty lines, meant to be filled with pithy, descriptive facts.
“I’ll go get a coffee for you. Sekijirou always says that you should give coffee to people who are working hard. Caffeine makes the brain do its thing,” Inosuke announced suddenly and before Zenitsu could even thank him, he had already taken off in the direction of the courtyard where the small student-run coffee truck waited.
A quiet smile bloomed on Zenitsu’s face as he watched the retreating back of his friend. Yes, Inosuke was a lot to deal with, and his enthusiasm could be a little misguided. But in the end, he was a good guy. And Zenitsu couldn’t deny that there was a part of him that felt very flattered that Inosuke even believed Zenitsu had the potential to become the most sought-after at a matchmaking event. No doubt Inosuke attributed that more to his own abilities than to Zenitsu’s person, but he clearly didn’t see Zenitsu as a completly lost cause.
If there was one thing that Inosuke was not, it was dishonest. He was about as straight-forward as they came. In fact, he very much resembled Tanjirou in that regard. Which might be why the two of them had hit it off from the moment they met and now were a force to be reckoned with whenever they joined up.
Zenitsu suddenly felt his stomach flip at the thought that Tanjirou might end up roped into this whole matchmaking event business. No, he couldn’t let that happen. He had to cooperate so diligently that Inosuke wouldn’t think of turning to their shared friend for additional help.
Unlike Inosuke, Tanjirou possessed an acute social awareness which made him handle most social situations with much more tact than Inosuke did, but it would be a mess for very different reasons if Tanjirou joined the “let’s auction off Zenitsu” squad.
Running his fingers through the mess of his hair, Zenitsu twirled the pen in his hand, refocussing his attention. What could he possibly say about himself that would satisfy Inosuke’s requirements of making him popular amongst the crowd while not being too divorced from the truth?
With a sigh, he brought his pen down and started writing.