Chapter Text
Wren -
People think I’m cool. They think I’m an amazing person. Like I’m super funny and smart and got my whole life ahead of me. If they saw the truth, they’d be horrified... but what they don’t see won’t kill them. Just another day at school. People joke, shove each other in the halls. It starts as the regular routine. Getting to school, Blayre and I around. I look at the junior high kid who looks like he’s about to beat up my 7th grader brother. He gets the warning. I avoid looking at that one weird couple who keeps making out in the hall. Blayre and I exchange a look. The guy is a grade 12, pushing this junior high kid up to a locker. It happens too often for my liking. She’s like 13, it’s gross. Elias, Miles, and Kai jogged up to Blayre and me. They got big grins on their faces and started telling us about whatever new volleyball training regimen Kai thought of. I pretend to be interested in their conversation and make fun of them for talking about volleyball even though the season ended a few weeks ago. The day goes on and that’s how I keep going. I’m stuck in my head, but no one notices. Distract with stories and smiles. Challenge people to games during lunch and they don’t notice I never eat. Keep talking and they don’t see the bags under my eyes. Joke and always keep going and they never notice. Even Blayre, my best friend since before high school, doesn’t know. They don’t hear the forced happiness in my voice. How I pitch it up to sound awake and cheerful. And then there’s Sasha. I used to think she was the one I would talk to... but who am I kidding, in our 2.5 years of dating, she never was there for me. Would order me around. Tried to get with my friends when we first broke up. Always wore low cut tops, even more now. Does she think I’m jealous? She spread rumors about me. Cheating, abuse, neglect... all false. But who do people want to believe? A victimized girl, or a 6’ tall, muscular boy. It’s easy to them, because how could such a confident, imposing man be a victim? She’s just a girl, so sweet, would never do anything... yeah right. Sasha says she’s moved on. But then why does she keep the rumors going for weeks? Math class. Second period on Monday. The seating plan changed last week. I used to be next to Kai and Miles, but now Sasha is right behind me. She stares at me. Every class. She claims to have moved on, but I can feel her eyes on my hair, my neck, my shoulders, my arms. I try my best to not stand up, it was bad enough when we were dating, it feels even worse for her to stare there when we’re not even dating. I fake a smile as I head into second period. Kai and I high fived and grinned as we walked in. Miles was already there, and we started joking. The bells cut us off and we found our seats. I feel Sasha’s stare between my legs as I walk towards my desk. I avoid her eyes as I quickly sit down. The tension makes me feel like I’m choking on air. I never wanted to do that stuff in the first place. But somehow in this moment, I feel even worse, even more out of place than when she would ask for... things. I try to focus on the lesson. Math comes easy for me, and I forgot my ADHD meds today, so I gave up on that quickly. I glance at the clock, waiting for the end of this period, but it feels as though the clock is going the wrong way. I can feel Sasha’s stare again. I can practically feel the want radiating from her and it makes my skin crawl. Some of Sasha’s close friends glared at me from opposite sides of the room. Echo and I used to be close, and I would help Nyx with social. But all they want now is revenge for breaking up with their friend. I don’t understand why they’re friends though. Echo tried to get me to cheat on Sasha with her and had told everyone that I was trying to take advantage of her when I refused. I was always trying to do well; I don’t know what I did wrong. The ticking clock echoes through my ears. Feels like a drum banging in my head. Every tick sounded as if bombs were exploding in my brain. Sometimes I wished they would. Wished I could stop the memories, stop the pain, stop everyone's anger, stop my thoughts and- My pocket buzzed, and I sighed, thankful for the distraction. There was a text that lit up my phone as if it couldn’t wait for me to see something. I smiled as I sorted through the jumble of letters swimming on my screen. Elyra. Elyra and I were... friends. Did I want more? Yes. Another part of me didn’t know though. Sure, Elyra and I had known each other for years. My mother thinks Elyra is nice, which is better than what I’ve recently heard about Sasha. My sister, Mila, thinks Elyra is into me. Both parents agree. So do Elyra’s parents. And my pseudo older brother. And a couple more family friends... But I don’t think so. See... Elyra’s not exactly... straight? So, we’re not going there. However, that didn’t stop my face from blushing as I saw her text. I felt the air around me shift. Felt even more hostile, which I didn’t know was possible. I glanced to my left and Echo was giving me a death glare. I was sure Nyx was doing to same to my right. Shit... They had seen my blush. Hense I was accused of cheating. Elyra and I weren’t doing anything though. She always said I was like an older brother to her. At the moment I was glad Elyra was out of the country. Glad she didn’t go to my school. Glad that she would never have to put up with Sasha and her friends like that. But then I read the text. I forced the jumble of letters on screen to be read. It was easy for my dyslexia this time. Elyra was only using short, simple words. Easier to concentrate on... ‘I miss you’ And in that moment, I wished more than anything that she was back in the country. I never miss people. I went across the ocean and didn’t miss anyone. I traveled for half a month and was completely fine. I didn’t miss Mila or my mother or Sasha or anyone else. Why would I miss them? I was just gonna see them in a couple weeks anyways, so there was no point. But now Elyra is gone. Elyra is gone for 2 weeks, and I can’t stop thinking of her. My mind doesn’t travel from her brown eyes which seem to shine when she smiles. I don’t stop thinking about her laugh, how pretty it sounds. How beautiful she looks when she jokes around with me. I miss the way she randomly holds my hand. I miss her hugs. I miss the feel of her lying on my shoulder. I miss looking down to see her napping against me. I miss playing cards with her. I miss the way she would laugh and lightly slap me when I cheated. The worst part is everyone can tell. I can’t hide this one. Blayre and I were walking home from volleyball a while ago. He told me that I obviously liked her. That she liked me back. Which is weird, considering that other than camp, Blayre hasn’t seen Elyra like... at all since spring. After school Blayre and I walked along the lockers. He said I was acting weird again. Sad. Then sometimes I'd look at my phone and smile, red. Asked if something was going on with Elyra again. I rolled my eyes. Told him Elyra was halfway across the world for the next 2 weeks. 8 hour time difference. Told him that she was with my nieces and spending time with them. I didn’t mention how I wanted to be there. How I wanted to be able to hug her. How many times I had nearly kissed her forehead when I hugged her. Didn’t mention I wanted to hug her and never let go. To hold her close and keep her safe from all the dark thoughts that would get in her head. Didn’t mention how I had nearly done something extremely stupid when I got drunk a couple of weeks ago. Halloween. There was a party that I went to. I was devastated at losing Sasha. I'd told Elyra that I’d try to cope healthily. However... once I got a couple drinks... old habits die hard. I got wasted. Then when my drunk ass started texting Elyra I nearly confessed everything to her. How when we joke and banter about loving each other more, when I started it, it was just a slip up. I said ‘I love you more’ because I truly did. How yeah, she might think of me as an older brother, but I was head over heels over her. How when I said ‘you’re my kid’ what I really wished I could say was ‘you’re my girl’. How when I let her lie on my chest and touch my hair and nap on me, I wanted to pull her close and softly- I blinked a couple times. That was beside the point. I could never... Blayre said she liked me, but I tuned him out. He said that I was so far gone on her it would come up eventually in conversation. Eventually I would slip up enough that even the most ignorant girl would notice. I didn’t mention that I nearly had many, many times already.