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“Okay! This one is the best one for sure” Cat screeches as she runs back to where they’ve set up towels, blankets and the big umbrella Laila and Jean are sitting under. She opens her palm to show them the tiny, violet swirl before adding it to the plethora of sand dollars and brightly colored rocks already spilling over on Laila’s beach blanket. At this point the checkered fabric is more beach debris than cotton.
“Woah! Is it empty? I don’t want anyone getting stung…” Laila runs a finger over the snail cone. This is the first fully intact shell Cat has brought her way.
“Yeah, obviously I checked!”
“We can’t take all this home with us.”
“We’ll put most of it back! It’s not good for the ecosystem or whatever to take this much anyway. You should keep that one though.” Cat giggles before saying “This is fun! It’s like I’m courting you!”
“Babe… we’ve been dating for almost three years already! I think we’re past the courting stage.”
“Yeah but it’s like... Penguins! I give you a really pretty rock and you become my forever person or something! Maybe I can find a you pearl!” The sand she kicks up as she scurries away ends up in Jean’s face. Figures.
“I was not aware you could find pearls in California” Jean scoffs as he pushes up his peach-shaped sunglasses, brushing sand away from his eyes. The glasses were an April Fools gift from Cody. How the Trojans have so many holidays, he will never understand. Jean only threw them in his bag this morning to make them laugh. Not because he liked the silly things or anything.
With the start of April came USC’s spring break. For the next seven days, there are no workouts at Lyon. No scrimmages. No scheduled games. No practices. The coaches have even changed the codes to the court, refusing to share them with anyone. At least that’s what Jeremy told him. For all Jean knows, he’s the only one barred entry. The team had failed to keep him away from exy for longer than 2 days in December, and that was only because he had been invited to stay with Cat’s family for Christmas. Maybe these were extraordinary measures.
“Who knows? But she’s cute when she gets excited!”
Cat had finally roped Laila into a group motorcycle trip, early the week before. She suggested they make a day of it. Ride out to the beach Jean and Cat had traveled to that first time, with blankets and snacks and sandwiches. “The best place to have sandwiches even!” Jean hadn’t laughed but Jeremy had quirked a lip.
Jean hasn’t seen Jeremy really smile in far too long. It’s been nothing but press grins and forced laughter since he finally left his mother’s house in the beginning of March. So how could Jean possibly turn down an opportunity to see Jeremy having fun? Who was he to turn down such a plan? Laila had thrifted a few (ugly, Jean thinks but no one asked him) blankets that no one would mind getting a little sandy. That morning, Jean and Cat had quickly packed a lunch and too many snacks and the four of them had hopped on the bikes for a picnic on the beach.
It’s not quite warm enough to swim yet, not that Jean would get in the water anyway. They still find plenty to do. The rest of the floozies had decided to meet them there. Pat had brought the beach umbrella and, more importantly, a volleyball. It is easy to snag a net when the beaches are half empty, it turns out, and the morning was dedicated to teaching Jean how to play. The game is simple, with Jean towering over everyone else, and loses it’s appeal to most of the group by lunch.
Playing volleyball turns into building sandcastles. Something that Xavier and Min, despite their sickening synchronicity, appear to be very bad at. After their tower collapses for the 5th time, Ananya gently suggests they work on the castle moat instead which somehow evolves into half the group digging a massive pit in the sand.
“Jean! Laila!” Xavier calls out. “Wanna help us?”
Laila tucks the purple snail shell safely in her bag before joining them. With her standing in the ditch they’ve made, Jean is finally able to gauge how deep it is. He hasn’t really seen Min, Xavier or Ananya in ages, with them hunching over as they dug. Laila is only visible from her shoulders up; the other’s are essentially digging a grave. And suddenly, despite the bright sun, Jean has visions of the inside of a dark box, with thin slashes carved into the side that his fingers struggled to tear at. He knows his friends here in LA would never. They just want Jean to sit with them, to spend time with them. And even if it did cave in, loose and wet sand would be easier to claw his way out of, especially now that he’s rested and healthy. Well fed and stronger than ever.
Jean can’t bring himself to join them anyway.
And so, when Jeremy takes the open spot Laila left, next to Jean but away from the fun, Jean is desperate to let Jeremy know that he doesn’t have to. He’s happy to just watch by himself. Jeremy doesn’t need to be worrying about him right now.
“Bored of building sandcastles?” Jean asks.
“Well, it’s significantly less fun to hang out with Cody and Pat alone now that they’ve gotten it all figured out,” Jeremy’s expression is caught between a grimace and a smile. “Lots of flirting… Ananya can take my spot! I’m shocked she’s not over there right now.”
Looking at him, Jean notices that Jeremy still looks tired, a little worn. With his morning commute to class much shorter from the Lofts, Jeremy had been sleeping more. But the dark circles had failed to fade from under his eyes. He was still prone to midday naps. It seemed like Jeremy was permanently exhausted. He had been laughing with the others earlier but it was exaggerated, like it always was these days. A show for friends who care but know too much, more than Jeremy ever wanted them to. Jean knew that feeling and he would do anything for Jeremy not to endure it.
“Well. Cat is on a ridiculous mission to find a pearl for Laila. I’m sure it will be a nonachievement,” Jean can’t imagine of a better person to get Jeremy out of his head than the one who gets him out of his own. “She would probably be happy to walk you through the Penguin courtship ritual on the blanket you happen to be sitting on.”
And Jeremy smiles, really smiles, for the first time in weeks. And Jean suddenly realizes that, since March, Jeremy has never aimed that stupid, imitation of a grin his way. Because Jean has been starved for this; Jeremy’s joy directed towards him. Jean would have devoured even the ghost of it if it was offered to him. But Jeremy had promised never to lie to him and so Jean was left craving.
It’s not the brightest beam, the one that Jean would still like to see. But as small as it is, the smile is still there. Dazzling and perfect when Jeremy says “I don’t know I think I’d rather sit with you now. Is that okay?”
Is that okay? Like Jean could want for anything other than, anything more than this.
Jean wants, he wants, he WANTS. He wants to add Jeremy to his list of reasons to live. And so he goes: A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads. Friends. Fireworks. Fathers. The color brown. He has done this agonizing deliberation before, knows that these words associated with his time in the Nest will always be wrong. He knows Partners will not fit. Even if Partners, of a different definition, are what Adi and Coach Rhemann are to each other. What Jean longs for him and Jeremy to...
He knows that Zane has ruined the word. He never wants Jeremy and Zane to be the same, to occupy the same place in his head. But how else does Jean describe someone who knows him? There are parts of him only people like Zane, Neil, Jeremy ever got to see. Parts that only they could ever understand. Even though he was never in the Nest Jeremy knows what it is to feel trapped, abhorred, forced to fit into a box that doesn’t allow for all of you. Jeremy knows what it is to have parts of you cut away, “for your own good”, someone else holding the knife, until you are encouraging them to do it. Jeremy knows him, more than Zane, more than Neil, because he understands the horrible parts of survival, the weak and feeble parts. The instinct to curl inward, to protect what’s left of delicate organs that fighting back against what is hurting you would destroy.
Friends. Fireworks. The Color Brown. All these words have pieces of Jeremy in them but it’s not enough. They don’t encompass all that Jeremy has done for Jean. All that Jeremy means to him. All that Jeremy is and all that Jean wants him to be. Everything is too much. Too risky. Too terrifying. And in terms of his list it doesn’t make sense. It feels careless, flippant. These words he’s chosen are purposeful in a way Everything is not. Picking it would be the easy way out.
Maybe the problem is Jean’s grasp of the English language, but for all he searches he can’t find a word in French that would fit the bill either. He doesn’t bother to touch his limited knowledge of Japanese. But where words are failing him, maybe a name will do.
And so Jean-Yves Moreau goes: A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads. Friends. Fireworks. Fathers. The color brown.
Jeremy.
“Anything you need” is what Jean says.