Chapter Text
The thing about intermediate knitting, Leo thinks, is that it's really not all it's cracked up to be.
He finds out about it on a Tuesday – he remembers that because it's the same day Raph always leaves for his new gym, and it's a little easier to breathe when he's not around.
That's a mean thought, and it probably has more to do with Leo than it ever did with Raph, so he tries not to focus too much on that part. They all must be glad when he's gone, too, after all.
Being in the same room as his brother used to feel like lighting up a fuse, and it feels like drowning now, and Leo supposes if there ever was any middle ground there – it's all ash or mud by now.
He's in his room, face lit up by his phone when Mikey walks in.
He doesn't knock, because he never does, and he would've startled Leo if he wasn't so tired. For someone who can't spend five minutes in a room where he's not the center of attention, Mikey can be really sneaky like that. Leo didn't even hear him coming.
His little brother frowns, looks around, then reaches out a hand to flip the light switch.
“Bitch,” Leo curses, raising an arm to cover his eyes from the sudden light. They sting either way, and he winces.
“Why are you sitting in the dark?” Mikey asks.
“I'm emo now,” Leo says.
It's easier to joke than to tell the truth, which is that lying flat on his back in the dark is the only way to stop the sudden wave of nausea that sometimes overtakes him.
It's probably anxiety, or stress, or something or other that Mikey would have a fancy word for, which is exactly why Leo can't tell him any of this.
But there's something on his face that makes Leo think he sort of knows either way.
They got that in common – both always perceptive and watchful, and the main difference is that Leo never lets that show.
Mikey goes to sit on the edge of the bed, almost squashing Leo's knee in the process, probably on purpose.
“Here.” He extends one hand to Leo, and it's only then that he notices he's holding anything.
It's a small rectangle of paper, all colorful and a little wrinkled. Leo takes it, eyes tracing over the first letters that jump out at him.
'INTERMEDIATE KNITTING CLUB'
“You're joining a new club?” He asks.
Mikey's in a lot of clubs right now, like yoga, and amateur painting, and something to do with pottery, or at least a lot of clay. Hidden City has a lot to offer, and his brother seems determined to try it all.
Or he's just trying to get out of the house as much as possible, which also wouldn't be all that surprising.
“No,” Mikey says. “You are.”
That makes Leo pause.
He looks at his brother, down at the flyer, and then laughs.
“The hell?”
Mikey makes that face, like he always does when he's about to use every ace in his sleeve to make a point. He's the youngest, and he's got those big doe eyes and a bigger smile, and that lets him have his way in more cases than should be possible.
“You're joining that club.” Even now, he's already looking at Leo with some wide-eyed expectation. “We already called them to let them know. You like knitting, don't you?”
Leo stares at the word 'intermediate' for a moment.
He picked up knitting a few years back; something to keep his hands and mind busy during long nights of insomnia, which happened often, even back then. He supposes he's good at it, in the sense that he can pick up most patterns labeled ''BEGINNER'' he finds online and complete them with moderate success.
He likes having hobbies like that. Things he's not particularly interested in. Because then it doesn't matter if he's bad or good at them, or if Mikey thinks his stitching is all wonky, or if Raph always complains he leaves his yarn everywhere. He doesn't care for it either way.
(Leo's really good at lying to himself like that.)
“It's whatever. That's not the point.” Leo sits up, folding his legs to rest his elbows on his knees. “I'm not joining a knitting club, Mike, I'm not a grandma. I got better things to do.”
“Like what, sit in your room all day?” That's mean, and they both know it. Mikey's gotten a lot meaner in the last few months.
“Whatever,” Leo mumbles. He wasn't in a good mood when Mikey walked in, and he's in an even worse one now. “Is that all?”
“Man, why do you have to be like this?” Mikey huffs. Leo pushes the paper into his chest, but he doesn't take it, standing up. “I'm trying to help. I'm tired of you sulking.”
Leo knows he's been sulking. He feels bad, and angry, and bitter all the time, but having it pointed out like this is the last thing he needs.
“Is that all you wanted?” He repeats.
Mikey watches him for a long, long moment.
“Oh, whatever,” he says finally, turning around to leave. “You're impossible to talk to.”
Leo's face burns.
The last few months have been awful, being a leader has been awful. Mikey knows it, and it's not like him to bring it up like this. It's something he'd never say just a year ago, and Leo hates how many things have changed in that short of a time.
He watches Mikey leave, turning off the light as he goes. With a last burst of anger, he yells:
“I don't need my kid brother telling me what to do!”
He regrets it quickly.
He's been fighting with Raph, not Mikey, and he really has no reason to yell at him.
(Though lately it feels like he's been arguing with everyone, about anything. The only reason he hasn't been fighting with Donnie is because Donnie hasn't been leaving his room all that much.
He really is getting impossible to talk to.)
Mikey slams the door shut before he can apologize.
***
Leo ignores the flyer on his desk for two whole days.
A pretty good record for letting the guilt eat at him from the inside out, all things considered.
He would've thrown it away or put it at the bottom of his drawer to be completely forgotten, but he can't really bring himself to. He didn't apologize to Mikey that night, and it felt all too heavy the next morning, like a migraine, where even the sound of his own voice was too painful to bear.
He lets that fester inside, more and more, until he finally caves, because Leo really is getting restless in this house, and because he has nothing better to do, and because Mikey always gets his way.
So he goes.
Mostly just so he can hate it and then tell his brother all about it, or like it and never admit it either way, but say that at least he tried, so his hands are clean.
He goes to prove Mikey wrong, for the most part.
***
It takes him a moment to find the right place, and when he finally does, he sort of wishes he would've gotten lost forever instead.
The lady that opens the door for him looks about his dad's age, but her hearing must not be all that great anymore, because she's basically screaming at him all the way.
“Oh, it's been so long since we had someone young join us.” She laughs, her gray cat ears twitching. “It's so nice to see kids interested in something other than their phones.”
Leo, who's usually more than interested in his phone, nods vaguely.
He's not planning on 'joining' anything, but he doesn't tell her that. He's not above being an ass to anyone for any reason, as he's been discovering those past few months, but he doesn't know her, and it feels below even him.
Besides, she probably wouldn't hear either way.
She loops her arm around his, leading him further in. She's a lot smaller than him; her arms are so thin he's a little afraid he might just break them in half if he walks too fast.
The meeting room sits tucked away at the bottom floor of a small building, right outside a retirement home, which is probably one of the main reasons for its age demographic.
It's bigger than he was expecting, filled with chattering Yōkai and with comfortable-looking chairs set in a semi-circle in the middle; sofas and tables pushed up against the walls. It's all old floorboards and offensively ugly wallpapers, with large windows covering one side, right around the front door.
It looks a little like an old antique shop, and Leo wouldn't be surprised if it was just that sometime back in the day.
“The pottery club happens right before us,” the lady tells him, pointing out one of the tables. There's a large, gray smear over it. Leo has lived with Mikey long enough to know what someone's desperate attempt at cleaning up clay looks like, and why his brother abandoned that particular hobby. “They leave such a mess, I swear. But our boy's always here early to help clean up, we're lucky to have him.”
“Who?”
“What was that, dear?”
“WHO?”
“Oh, right.” She laughs again, leading him to a second door, tucked away in the corner. “He's our 'club president'. That's funny, isn't it? He hates when we call him that, gets all flustered, poor thing.”
Leo doesn't know what kind of person would willingly subject themselves to becoming the president of a senior knitting club, but it doesn't sound like someone Leo could get along with very well.
She reaches out, cracking the door open and sticking her head inside. She can move rather fast when she wants to, Leo notices.
He tries to look over her shoulder. It looks like a storage room, or a closet, and that's about all he's able to make out.
“Usagi, dear?” She shouts so loud Leo can still hear her perfectly well, even from a few steps behind. “Are you in here?”
There's a sudden rustle, the unmistakable sound of something very heavy dropping to the ground, quiet cursing, and a breathless:
“Yes!”
In the next moment, the door swings fully open from the inside.
Leo isn't really sure who he was expecting.
Probably someone fifty years his senior, smelling like old mints and a department store, with thick glasses and a couple of grandkid pictures in their wallet. That seems to just about describe the rest of the club, anyway.
But when the guy turns to look at him, his face seems young, still rounded around the edges, and he can't be that much older, actually.
He's a little shorter (but maybe tall for a rabbit), broad around the shoulders in that way that might've gotten him on a high-school football team, with a killer smile that probably would've let him get away with murder. The eye-crinkling kind that makes every woman want to pinch his cheeks, and makes every man want to call him 'buddy'.
(Leo's smile always makes people say he looks like James Dean, or Kennedy, or someone like that. Never the right celebrity, but he takes it anyway.)
He's handsome in a way that would make some nice girl's nice mother very happy.
“Shoot,” he says, sounding halfway to a laugh. He looks down at his hands, full of boxes that don't look too heavy but are definitely an armful. “Hold on, give me a minute-”
“Oh, I'll take that.” The woman reaches out, and he hands her the boxes with some relief. “I should leave the introductions to you.”
“Thank you.”
“What was that?”
“THANK YOU.”
“Oh, no problem, dear.”
She walks away, suddenly fast and brisk on her feet. She drops a few boxes on her way, but nobody seems too concerned about that, so neither is Leo.
“Sorry, you caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting you here today. Not that it's bad!” He adds quickly. “We always have space for new people.”
Leo blinks, turning back to look at him.
He gets so caught up in watching people, he sometimes forgets they can see him right back.
He supposes he should smile, so he does, and if the other boy notices it's strained – he doesn't let that show.
“Well, I wasn't really planning on showing up,” he says.
He wanted it to be a little mean, because his mind is already halfway out the door. He supposes not being the only one bringing the average age in the group down by at least a couple of years should make him feel better, but it doesn't.
Usagi laughs like it's a joke, which is probably the better outcome.
“Glad to see you've changed your mind,” he says. He speaks a bit fast, like he's got a lot of things to say all at once. “My name's Yuichi Usagi, but you can just call me 'Sagi, everyone does. Like my great-grandfather, he was a really cool guy. I mean, I never met him, but you know.”
Leo doesn't know.
He met his great-something-mother once, and then she died the same day.
“Okay,” he says, a little lost. It's usually hard to make him anything close to speechless, but Usagi's saying so much, and so fast, that it feels like he's soaking up all the words in the room. “I'm Leonardo.”
Usagi looks at him for a moment, blinks, and then startles, quickly reaching out his hand, like it was some vital step he forgot before and is a little scared to do now.
It's a bit pathetic, but Leo shakes his hand anyway.
He expected his palm to be soft (he looks soft all around, for obvious reasons), but it's worn out and rough, with a strong grip. He doesn't really know what to think about that.
Leo's own hands are dry and hard, covered in old scars and callouses, no matter how much he tries to take care of them, and he notices the way Usagi glances down at them, clearly surprised.
“Are you a farmboy?” He asks when he finally lets go of his palm.
Leo blinks.
He thinks about it for a moment. If that's an insult, it's so strange he can't even bring himself to be angry about it, and that annoys him even more.
“What?”
“Oh, sorry. I just-” Usagi rubs his hands together. He looks a little flustered now. “I am. My family owns a farm, I mean. I thought...”
“Oh,” Leo says. “No.”
That would've killed the conversation with just about anyone else.
“Right!” Usagi laughs again, like Leo just said something funny. “I remember your brother called a few days ago. Said you were really good.”
He hasn't stopped smiling once.
“He said that?” Leo asks.
Mikey didn't believe in 'false but encouraging' compliments when it came to art.
It was one of the few things he's always been overly critical about, and Leo knows he thinks his projects come out lousy, and unoriginal, and 'dull', or whatever the fuck. That's probably because Leo never puts that much effort into them, all things considered, but he really can't imagine how pulling together yarn could be any more 'inspired'.
“Oh, yeah.” Usagi looks a little over his shoulder, maybe making sure all the boxes are being properly dealt with. “He said a lot of things about you, want me to repeat? It was kind of funny. I kept telling him we had space, and we didn't take members based on 'personality', but he kept going on and on about how great of a guy you were. Maybe he just wanted to talk to someone. Sometimes when I need to talk to someone, I call random numbers. Crazy how many people will stay on the line.”
He seems all over the place, mind jumping around like a broken cassette. That reminds Leo a little bit of Mikey, but Mikey is his brother and therefore safe from most of Leo's bitter scrutiny.
“Mikey said that?” Then, for the lack of anything better to say: “Well, that's new.”
For the first time, Usagi's smile falters. He frowns, then looks up, like he's trying to think for a moment.
“Mikey?” He repeats. “I think he said his name was Raph.”
That makes Leo's mind stop in its tracks.
It does that sometimes – when there are too many thoughts, or too many things to consider, and he needs to pull it back by the reins.
“... Raph?” He asks again, just to make sure.
“... Is that not your brother?”
“No, yeah, it's- Nevermind.”
He feels bad suddenly.
Something in his stomach tightens, like it might just tear him up from the inside, and he looks away, because there must be a weird look on his face now, and he wouldn't know how to explain it even if he wanted to.
He fought with Raph that Tuesday.
He doesn't really remember what about, probably something about the mess in his room, or unwashed dishes, or being a lousy leader and almost getting all of them killed.
And Leo said something mean, like ''If you hate me so much, you can just say so'', or ''You're not my fucking dad'', because he says things like this all the time now.
He thinks about Raph that morning, how he looked at him, like he wanted to say something, too, but didn't. He keeps not saying things, and maybe that's why Leo keeps saying too much.
He imagines Raph leaving after that, picking up his phone, and calling to tell a stranger he's a 'great guy'.
He feels like he's going to be sick.
He must look a little pale, or worried, or something like that, because Usagi tilts his head, smiling again.
“You wanna start now? Come on, I'll introduce you to the rest.”
“Sure,” Leo says.
He doesn't really care.
It's the last time he'll see any of them anyway.
***
It is, to Leo's absolute shock and horror, not the last time he sees any of them.
***
He doesn't really know why he keeps coming back.
He's miles below everyone's level, as he quickly finds out on that first meeting, and he hasn't heard of half the plays, or books, or people they keep talking about, and it makes him feel like he started watching a show three episodes in. That is – slightly confused and not all that great.
He gathers his things with a pit in his stomach, and when Usagi walks up to him on his way, a hand on Leo's shoulder, and asks ''Same time next week?'', he only nods, because he's such a good liar he sometimes does it without meaning to.
And then the next week comes, and he's there.
It keeps happening, and he really can't wrap his mind around it.
He tells himself it's because he's bored, or because he can't stand being home most days, or because Raph wanted him to go.
And that last part might be true, to some extent.
They haven't talked about it, and he's not sure they even know he's going, but that might be for the better. He told Donnie, just in case, and that should be enough.
(He tells Donnie all of his secrets because he's so bad at keeping them, no one would ever think to pry anything out of him. And because Donnie is his best friend, but that's beside the point.)
The people in the club are nice enough, for the most part.
Leo knows how to make other people like him without getting to know him all that well, and he's been getting better and better at it. He smiles, and nods, and listens to stories about kids, and grandkids, and awful in-laws, and talks one lady out of disowning her daughter for dating a guy with tattoos, so it's not all that boring. Or at least – better than being home.
Usagi is always happy to see him, in that way that seems way too genuine to really be honest, and he shakes Leo's hand everytime, which is a little funny (unless he's in a bad mood, in which case it's awfully annoying).
He's not a bad guy, and Leo has no reason to dislike him, really, but he also has no reason to holler at Raph every chance he gets, and yet. He has no idea why he does the things he does anymore.
The rest of the club seems to be in love with him, in that way old people always are with young boys who hold the door open for them and stop to say hello, and maybe that annoys Leo a little, too.
He doesn't like being told how to feel.
But Usagi's so friendly it hurts, and he seems so genuinely interested in everything Leo does or thinks, he almost starts to wonder if he's being made fun of in a very strange, round-about way.
Leo's polite but short with him; throwing in just enough snide-marks with just enough sarcasm, to make most people doubt themselves, at least a little. He knows how to be distant without coming off as rude, and how to be cold without seeming like an asshole, and he keeps that leash as long as he possibly can.
Too bad Yuichi Usagi, as Leo very quickly finds out, is annoyingly bad at picking up on social cues.
***
“Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?”
Leo almost jumps, the back of his neck raising in goosebumps. His fingers tense and shift, reaching for a weapon in years of trained instincts.
His hand only meets the air, and his phone falls to the ground with a pathetic, hollow sound.
“Shit,” he swears, leaning down to pick it up.
He's a little glad for it, because that gives him an excuse to finally turn the screen off and stop staring at his messages.
“Is it good?” Usagi asks, a little sheepish, like it's his fault Leo got clumsy.
Why is he so annoyingly ernest with everything, Leo wonders.
“Yeah,” he says, ignoring the new crack running across the screen.
His phone rang after the meeting, and he sat on the bench to pick it up, but then it was Raph, and Leo doesn't even know how that turned into an argument.
Raph asked if he took his tonfā, and Leo said no, because he hadn't, and then Raph said he didn't believe him, which was ridiculous, because yes, Leo's lied to him more times than he could count and stolen from him even more, but this time he really didn't. Raph was using his sai most of the time anyway, so why does it matter where his tonfā are, but Raph didn't seem too happy when he told him that, and said something about 'responsibility', and 'owning up', and 'Dang it, Leo, why are you always like this?'.
He doesn't really remember what he said after that, but it must've been bad, because his brother hung up on him. He tried calling back, but Raph didn't pick up, and then there was a text on his phone saying they can talk when he remembers how to ''act like a person'', and the only reason Leo didn't throw his phone in anger was because he couldn't think of anything equally nasty to text back.
He hates how Raph always talks about responsibility and acting mature but won't stop treating him like he's five years old, and he hates how he never seems to trust him nowadays.
Maybe he'd trust him more if he told him things, like how he knows Mikey took his tonfā earlier in the morning and probably just misplaced them.
He doesn't know why he didn't say that.
(Maybe he just wanted Raph to be angry at him. Making everyone around him as miserable as he feels is all he seems to be doing nowadays.)
“What's up?” He asks.
Usagi always stays a little behind everyone to clean and lock up. When Leo looks over his shoulder the curtains are drawn, all the lights turned off.
He really lost track of time.
That happens to him a lot now. Donnie tells him it's because he's banged his head so many times, and he's starting to think there might be something to it.
Usagi looks at him for a long moment, and it's the first time Leo has ever seen him look anything close to this unsure – his mouth tight and eyes wide. They're a pretty color, now that he's looking at them.
“Sorry,” Usagi says, finally, voice fast. “I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I swear, it's just- The walls are kind of thin here, and you were kind of... Screaming your head off. So.”
Ah.
Leo feels his shoulders droop a little. He's been tense this whole evening, and he's suddenly too tired to really care all that much.
“I'll be quiet next time,” he says, which would probably translate into 'I don't want to talk about this' for anyone else.
Anyone else but Usagi.
“Can I sit here?”
“Shit, I don't own this bench. Do what you want.” That comes out a little meaner than he intended, and he winces, hoping that will be apology enough.
Usagi doesn't even seem to notice, sitting down next to him.
“You good?” He asks, reaching out to put a hand on Leo's shoulder.
That's another thing, too; he's so casual with his touches. He's always grabbing Leo's arm, or nudging him with an elbow, or sitting next to him, leaning back in his chair until their knees meet.
He's soft and warm, and it's really hard to be angry about that.
Leo doesn't really care, but he tries his best to at least be slightly annoyed by it, mostly for the principle of the thing.
“Yeah, yeah, I'm good.” He pulls his arm away, sniffling, reaching out to wipe at his face.
He didn't even realize how close he was to crying until now. He must be looking proper miserable, which would be fitting, since that's just about how he feels, too.
“Was that...” Leo waits for him to find a creative way of finishing that sentence, but he seemingly gives up halfway through.
“My brother,” he supplies helpfully. “Don't worry about that. We just scream at each other like that sometimes.” He feels a mean smile pulling against his teeth. “That's what we do.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Leo waits for him to say something like 'I'm sorry', or 'That's awful', or 'You should really try being nicer to him', just so he can get angry about that, too, but it doesn't come
Usagi's quiet for a moment before looking back at Leo.
“Was that the intro to 'Punch Chowder' as your ringtone, by the way?”
Leo blinks.
That's such a weird and unexpected question that he can't help but laugh a little, in that small, breathless way. He's still a little closer to crying than he would like.
“Yeah,” he says.
He set it a long time ago, and his phone stays on silent mode so much he honestly almost forgot about it.
Usagi gives him a smile, the sort that would've gotten him out of a speeding ticket in a small town.
“Dude, those movies rock. I used to watch them all the time as a kid. I think my dad was a big fan or something, we had a million tapes of that stuff in the house.”
“My dad too,” Leo says, a little joke only for him.
“Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't really know, I never met the old man, but I'm guessing they were his.” Leo's smile falters a little. “Teriyaki Shakedown was my favorite.”
“That's a good one,” Leo says, slowly.
Usagi's quiet for a moment. He talks so fast he might just need to take a few deep breaths to keep it up.
Finally, he holds up a hand, the keys to the building hanging from his finger, and he jiggles them, a little too excitedly.
“I gotta give these back to the owner. Wanna come with?”
Leo watches him for a long moment.
“You’re not going to ask about it?”
Usagi blinks, almost puzzled, before some recognition passes over his face.
“About what, your brother?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk about it?
“No.”
“Well then, there you have it.”
Leo feels a little like he just missed a few steps walking down.
He looks at his own hands, mostly out of lack of anything better to do. He must've been chewing on his nails again, because his skin's bleeding a little. He wipes it with his other hand.
“Yeah,” he says, finally. “Yeah, sure, let's go.”
***
The thing is – Leo's used to not talking about things.
They never do, he and his family, unless Mikey manages to physically force it out of them, and he doesn't seem to be having that much luck with it lately, either.
He and Usagi don't really talk for the rest of that evening, but he walks Leo down to the portal he uses to get home, and he tells him to 'take it easy', all casual and sweet, like they're already friends, and Leo doesn't catch himself in time before replying: 'You too'.
“You're a tough guy,” Usagi tells him the next week. Leo managed to catch him right after the club meeting ended, which was a little hard, since it always seems like everyone wants to talk to Usagi, all the time. “I gotta crack down, like, four more layers before you start to talk about your feelings.”
Leo doesn't think anyone has ever described him as 'tough' before, and it doesn't really feel like a compliment in this case, but he takes it either way.
“Sure,” he says. Then: “And, uhm, thanks I guess? You kind of took my mind off the whole thing.”
He really did.
Leo didn't see Raph for the rest of that day, and he didn't text him back, but that also meant he didn't say anything awful again, and that should count for something.
Usagi blinks at him, clearly a little surprised.
“Really?” He says, then smiles. “Shoot, you're welcome. I recommend myself for the future.”
He's so earnest in everything he says and does, and Leo can't really keep pretending that the thought of someone taking a genuine interest in his ringtone doesn't make him feel more than a little flattered.
Growing up with his brothers, so wholeheartedly honest in all of their optimism, and hate, and excitement, and anger, made Leo particularly allergic to anyone who wasn't.
He hates toxic positivity, and he hates people trying to be funny when they're not, and he hates people who can't stand to sit in their own feelings for even a minute, and the irony and hypocrisy of it all isn't lost on him.
But he's not above admitting his own misjudgment, at least not in this case.
Usagi's a weird guy, and he seems to have a hard time picking up what Leo's putting down, but he's real, and that's hard to come by nowadays. They don't make them like that anymore.
“Look,” he says, finally, looking over his shoulder just to make sure they're alone. “I'm really sorry. For, like, everything. It's been a rough past few months, and I just- Sorry I've taken that out on you.”
Usagi blinks.
He looks at Leo, then down at his own hands, then back at Leo. Whatever he might be looking for – he clearly doesn't find it there.
“Why?” He asks, voice slow and unlike him. “What are you apologizing for?”
“For being an ass.” It did feel like Usagi wasn't really getting that Leo was trying to be mean, but he wanted to assume it was a rather careful play of ignorance. Clearly, it wasn't. “In my defense, you seemed like the kind of guy I don't usually like.”
“Wait, you didn't like me?” There's such honest shock and hurt on his face, like Leo just slapped him on the wrist.
He looks like a kicked puppy, and that's a really hard look to bear. Leo feels his cheeks flush, and he stuffs his hands into his pockets, looking away, mostly just to keep himself from doing something embarrassing, like squeezing Usagi's shoulder or shaking his hand.
“That's a harsh way to put it,” he says. He sort of wishes he would've kept his mouth shut about this whole thing. Ignoring his guilt rarely leads him to anything good, but he was feeling lucky today. “I just thought you were kind of annoying. A little. In, like, a harmless way.”
“... Well, now I'm upset.” It doesn't sound like he's joking, but something on his face softens when Leo looks up at him. “Can you apologize again?”
“I'm sorry.” It's rare for him to say that, and even rarer to mean it, but he hopes it's not showing.
Usagi's mouth tightens, like he's thinking about something long and hard.
“Do you still think I'm annoying?” He asks.
“No,” Leo says, so quickly he almost chokes on it. “Really, I mean it. You were never annoying, I was just a judgmental asshole for no reason. You're-” He stops, finally noticing the smile that's been pulling at the corners of Usagi's mouth. “Oh, you're fucking with me. Okay.”
Usagi laughs and then smiles again, with a lot more teeth.
“Yeah, I am.” He reaches out a hand for Leo to shake, and that makes him grin, too. “How about we start fresh?”
“No way,” Leo says. “You're gonna undo your progress on all those layers?”
It's really hard to keep a straight face when talking to him. Leo doesn't know how he never noticed that before.
“Well, I better get to work then, huh?”
***
Leo's never had a friend like this before.
Growing up with three brothers, there were very few things in life he could afford not to share, and friends were never on that list.
He and his brothers were always stitched together, always following each other's footsteps and stepping on ankles. It was rare for them to do anything alone when they were younger, and even as they got older, people tended to see them more as a unit than as individuals.
(Hueso used to look at him and ask where 'the rest of him' was, and that used to make Leo laugh, until it didn't.)
He considers bringing Usagi back to the Lair or going out for a pizza with all of them, because him and Mikey would get along great, and Donnie might like that he's such a good listener, and Raph would probably get over the whole rabbit thing eventually.
He considers it, and then he doesn't.
It feels like they're further apart than ever before, and it makes him feel so damn alone all the damn time, and the fact that he's the one who keeps drawing thicker and thicker lines certainly isn't helping.
But in this one, singular case – it's for the better. It gives him a good enough excuse.
Because there's a part of him that fears Usagi and Mikey would get along too well, and then he wouldn't really be Leo's friend anymore, because why would he when a better, nicer, kinder version of him is right there.
He fears that Donnie would be unkind, and that would scare Usagi away even more, because it would make him realize there's a big part of Leo that's exactly like that, too.
He fears that Raph would look at him, and somehow Usagi would know that Leo's a horrible brother, and a lousy friend, and that he's so perfectly aware of it, he keeps finding new ways to make it worse.
His brothers know every single side of him like a mirror.
He's not ready to face that reflection just yet.
He's not ready for Usagi to see it.
***
Three months in, he starts showing up early.
Usagi seems to spend a lot of time around the place cleaning up, or fixing up something for the other clubs, or gluing together posters that look more like free labor for the retirement home next door than anything else.
He's gentle and kind by nature, and it made Leo fear he's being taken advantage of, but that doesn't really seem to be the case. Or at the very least – Usagi looks perfectly happy with it.
But the amount of effort he's putting in makes Leo feel a little bad, in the same way watching someone vacuum around the couch he's sitting on does. Usually that's not enough to actually make him get up, but there's something about Usagi that makes it really hard for Leo to stay away, even if he wanted to.
He feels lonely, and bored, and it's so nice to finally talk to someone who doesn't expect anything from him.
So he comes early.
He comes early, and he stays late, and they talk about shows and movies they've both seen and games they've both played, and Usagi spends a large portion of every afternoon and evening clueing him in on the many cultural references in the Hidden City.
There's a lot of it, and Leo isn't really sure he gets half of it, but Usagi's so effortlessly funny, even when he's not really trying to be, that it's hard not to listen.
“How did you even end up here?” Leo asks him one day. Usagi blinks, then looks down to the small ladder he's standing on. “Running the club, I mean.”
“Oh. I'm not running anything.”
He takes the box Leo hands him, stashing it on the top shelf. It looks ready to topple over at any minute, but neither of them feels particularly inclined to fix it.
Leo started keeping all of his projects in the club room, because bringing them home would probably raise some suspicion and also feels like a generally bad idea all around.
“My aunt's friend asked me to help out with decorations for some event once, and they kind of dragged me into this thing. Felt bad saying no. Besides, I like knitting.”
“You're good at it, too,” Leo says.
He really is, miles better than Leo at least, though that's not much of a compliment.
Usagi grins down at him.
“Thanks. I used to do it all the time with my aunt.”
Usagi lives with her on their family farm, and that's all Leo dared to ask about this particular subject.
“Why'd you stop?”
“Oh, you know,” he says, then stops, like he actually doesn't know himself. “I guess we just got... Busy.”
Leo winces.
That sort of change always hurts.
He would know.
***
It takes Leo four months to finally ask for Usagi's number.
He feels silly in hindsight, because they've been spending plenty of time together at least once a week, and he's Leo's friend, so it only makes sense, but the idea of it somehow made him so nervous he almost threw up on his way.
(Dad's been forcing mint tea onto him to help with 'nausea', and he's been drinking so much of it, it makes him feel even more sick, but it's better than nothing.)
“Sure!” Usagi says, taking Leo's phone to punch in his number. “What do you want me to put the name as?”
“Whatever you want,” Leo answers, all casual, like it's not taking everything out of him to keep his face under control.
He's been catching himself like this more and more – fumbling and awkward. Leo's an expert at keeping a steady mask, and he knows every muscle in his face, and yet, being around Usagi always makes him come completely undone like this.
Usagi's the most honest person he knows, and lying to him gets harder and harder the more he knows him.
Leo gets his phone back with a new number in it, signed under three bunny emojis.
***
The most annoying thing about Usagi is that he's so painfully, wholeheartedly – a good person.
That in of itself wouldn't really matter all that much. Leo knows plenty of good people, like his brothers, or April, or Hueso, or pretty much anyone in this patchwork of a family who isn't him (or Draxum).
But there's something about Usagi, with the way he smiles, and the calluses on his hands from hard but honest work, and his general, awfully sweet, 'Superman' attitude – that makes Leo, to his own horror, want to follow along.
It's how he ended up in a dingy alleyway, with an armful of lizard and cans of cat food, and it's probably how he'll eventually end up dead in a ditch.
“Why are they so cold?” He asks, trying to wriggle his hand enough to get the creature to finally stop chewing on his sleeve.
“Tokage are always cold,” Usagi answers, voice caught somewhere between a giggle. The lizard on his lap seems more interested in licking his face than the food he's holding. “You're lucky these guys don't even stink all that much.”
“They do stink.”
“Trust me, it gets worse.” He looks at Leo with a grin. “Want to keep one?”
Leo winces.
“I'm more of a dog person.”
***
There's a fire escape in the alleyway Leo uses to get home, and they spend hours sitting on it, watching the dark sky and city.
Usagi doesn't spend all that much time on the surface, and he seems perfectly content with only the brief glimpses he gets walking Leo home, which is maybe a little disappointing. New York is a dump, but Leo's proud of it with all his soul, and he's always trying to spin it into a good light.
He promises to take Usagi to see the Statue of Liberty someday, because it feels almost absurd he hasn't yet, and his friend agrees, in a vague sort of sense.
“I don't know, I'm just kind of wary,” Usagi tells him.
He's leaning against the railing, one foot up. The evenings have been getting colder and colder, and Usagi started wearing an old, worn down motorcycle jacket everywhere he goes. It looks about a million years old, and there's a pink, heart-shaped sharpie squiggle right on the left sleeve.
He looks cool.
“What, you're scared of New York?”
Leo shifts where he sits on the stairs, leaning his elbows against his knees.
He wishes he had a cigarette, or something like that.
He never smoked, and he doesn't think he'd actually like it all that much, but it would definitely make him look a lot tougher.
“I don't know, isn't it kind of dangerous?”
“I mean, yeah,” Leo says, agreeably. “But I also got arrested in the Hidden City, like, twice, so you know.”
Usagi's eyes widen.
“You've been to jail?” He says, and then he smiles in that way he always does when he's about to say something very strange but very on brand. “That's wicked. But no, I mean like...” He looks away, face suddenly a lot more serious. “You know what happened a few months ago? I mean, yeah, duh, you live here, so you'd know. Auntie would kill me if she knew I come out here at all after what went down.”
Leo's face grows numb.
He knows what happened a few months ago. He knows better than he ever wanted to.
He remembers that first night after, lying on his back in the medbay, body aching and buzzing with energy.
He felt like TV static.
Leo and sleep didn't always get along, but it only felt fair it wouldn't come that night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw red, and metal, and Karai, so staring up at the white ceiling felt like a better alternative. He thought about everything and nothing at all.
He knew his brothers didn't sleep either, but Mikey was the only one who moved from his place, climbing up onto Raph's bed and curling up behind him.
(Mikey's been having an awful lot of nightmares since the shredder, but he always gets a little better when there's someone there with him. Leo himself spent countless nights sleeping in his little brother's bedroom, an arm thrown over his neck.)
That night, Leo kept wishing he'd do the same.
And he doesn't know why he didn't.
He must've been quiet for a moment too long, because Usagi looks back at him, frowning.
“Hey, what's wrong?” He steps closer, leaning in a little to look him in the eye. “What's with your face? Shoot, is this a sensitive subject?”
“No,” Leo says, and then realizes he doesn't have to lie. “Kind of, I guess.” He wipes at his nose, looks away. “I'll tell you another time.”
And – with some weird sense of shock – he realizes he means it.
***
Leo and Usagi see each other outside of the knitting club more than they do during it now, mostly prowling around the Hidden City, where Usagi seems to know everyone, and everyone seems to know him.
He's well liked, and there's always someone asking him how he's doing, or how things are going at the farm, and Leo doesn't know why he keeps having the feeling that Usagi doesn't really have any friends.
Maybe it's the semi-formal, small talk-ey nature of it all, or how so many of them don't seem to know anything about him other than who he's related to, or the sort of mechanical way he goes about all of it.
Leo's known Usagi long enough to separate his instinctual politeness from an earnest one (and he can't help feeling flattered when he keeps finding himself on the receiving end of the latter).
He supposes maybe that's why Usagi seems just as keen as Leo is on him.
He also doesn't have many people to talk to nowadays.
***
“I didn't know the Hidden City had a movie theater.”
Leo stands on his toes to look over the crowd. The main street is always busy, packed with people, and he supposes that's why he never noticed it before.
“Yeah, it's still kind of a new thing.” Usagi shrugs. “I mean, probably older than me, but some folks are still really against human stuff for whatever reason.”
“Oh, I couldn't live here,” Leo jokes. “Human stuff is the best.”
“Yeah, well, good for you. This town's a bust anyway.”
Leo turns to him, taken aback.
“What do you mean?”
Usagi blinks, then blushes, quickly making eye contact with his shoes.
“Shoot, I don't know why I said that. I like living here.”
Leo looks to the building, then back to his friend.
“Wanna go see what they're playing?”
They make their way through the sea of people, and Usagi grabs his elbow, probably for practical reasons, but it still makes Leo's hands feel weirdly clammy.
“If you could pick a place to live,” he leans a little closer, just so his friend could hear him better, “anywhere, where would that be?”
Usagi's eyes go wide with excitement. That's Leo's favorite look on him.
“Ever heard of Neo Edo? It's like, way in the east, but it's so cool. They're, like, really big on technology, but also tradition, it's mental. You should look it up. My dad wanted us to move there, I think.”
“Really?”
Usagi never met his dad and barely remembers his mother, but Leo always gets the feeling there are whole people up there in his mind, built up from scattered memories and old things stashed up in the attic. He hopes Usagi gets to keep those images, no matter how false they might be.
“Yeah, I think. He was obsessed with it, had a whole corkboard and everything. Honestly, it kind of looks like one of those conspiracy theory, red string thingy-s.”
Leo looks at him.
“I'm sorry he never got the chance to.”
Usagi watches him back for a long, long moment.
“Yeah.”
The theater is playing stuff they're half-interested in at best and trash Leo's never even heard of at worst.
He tells Usagi they should just sneak in, and he agrees but looks so nervous all the way that Leo secretly buys them the tickets without saying anything when he isn't looking, just in case.
He's smiling and giddy afterwards, like it's the most adrenaline he's had in years.
Leo supposes he can save himself a few bucks next time.
***
Winter in New York is a sad, wet, and cold ordeal.
Leo's a summer person, and the darker months always kill him inside, just a little. This year more than ever.
He's dreading Christmas because he doesn't remember the last time he and Raph were able to spend a whole evening together without it turning into a fight, and he's dreading New Year because there are more things he needs to change in his life than would ever fit on a resolution list.
He's in a particularly foul mood tonight because of a rather nasty encounter with some robbers earlier and because Raph hollered at him right after it.
Which was really unfair, because yes, Leo got reckless, and there's a fresh new bruise growing on his cheek now, but no one really got hurt besides that, and maybe he'd have a much easier time thinking if Raph would just lay off him for once.
He wasn't planning on seeing Usagi today, but he needed to get out of the house after that, and he wasn't asleep when Leo texted him.
He sits on their staircase, hands stuffed into his pocket, and he only looks down when the portal in the wall opens up with a quiet hiss.
He stands to lean over the railing, and Usagi looks up.
Leo grins at him.
“Hey, Superman.”
Usagi's next to him in a second.
“What happened to your face?!” He puts his hands on Leo's mask, turning his head this way and that.
“Easy, easy, I'm fine,” he says, grabbing his friend's wrists to keep him in place.
He really is, for the most part.
Leo and his brothers heal faster than most, and they're generally pretty good at not getting hit, at least in all the important parts, but they all slip from time to time. Raph hates to see them hurt, but things like this come as part of the job.
Leo's probably gotten all of his bones broken at one point or another, there are a few rather gnarly scars on his legs and arms, and he's missing a tooth right at the very back of his jaw. But he supposes Usagi wouldn't really be happy to hear about that right now.
“Are you?” He doesn't sound like he really believes him. “Was it-” He goes quiet for a moment, watching Leo like that could give him all the answers he's looking for. “Is... Are things, like... Okay?”
It takes Leo a moment to realize what he's really being asked for, and when it finally hits him, there's a sudden panic flushing over him.
“No!” He says, so fast it makes Usagi pull back a little. “I mean, no, it's fine! Jesus Christ, man, no, it ain't like that, dude.”
“Well, you can't blame me for asking!” Usagi defends, but he looks more than relieved. “I know things are tense at your house, and this...” He reaches out, pulling the ends of Leo's mask up, then letting them fall over his shoulder. “What the hell happened then?”
Leo opens his mouth to say something about that first part, but then doesn't, because 'tense' is probably the most graceful way to describe it anyway.
“Some guy knocked the daylight out of me,” he says instead. “He was stronger than he looked, I swear.”
“What do you mean 'some guy'?”
Leo quiets for a moment.
There's a lot to explain here, not all of it good, and he's feeling tired, and cold, and there's a growing headache pounding at the back of his skull.
But Usagi's looking at him like he wouldn't push if Leo backed away, and he's probably the best friend he's ever had, and there's really nothing left to lose anymore.
With a quiet sigh, he sits down on the stairs.
And, just like that, Leo tells him.
About Draxum, and his dad, and growing up in the Lair. About the Foot, and then the Shredder, and every painfully annoying bad guy that came in between. About being a leader and how much he hates it, and how he wishes he could somehow change Dad's mind.
Usagi's quiet, safe for a few vague nods or eyebrow raises when the moment calls for it.
When Leo finishes, he hums, raising a hand to chew on his nail, lost in thought.
He looks good when he gets all up in his head like this, and that's about all the positives Leo can bring himself to see in his situation.
At least it's past them now, he thinks.
Finally, Usagi straightens, looks at Leo, and takes a long, slow breath.
“... Lou Jitsu is your dad?”
It's so ridiculous and so like him that Leo has to laugh – the kind that always leaves him a little breathless and Usagi with an embarrassed flush.
“Is that seriously all you got from this story?”
“Well, it was a pretty important part of it!” He defends. Then he looks down again, talking to his knees. “I used to have a crush on that guy.”
“Oh my God.” Leo reaches out to push at his arm, feeling some genuine dread rise up in his gut. “Why would you ever tell me that?”
“Sorry!” Usagi grabs his wrists, because Leo might've genuinely thrown him down the stairs if he didn't. “I just wanted to get that off my chest!”
“Well, now I have to live with it.”
“You'll be fine! You're, like, what?” He thinks about it for a second. “A super-soldier?”
Leo's smile dims a little.
“I'd rather not be,” he says. “Really not all it's cracked up to be.”
Usagi's face grows a little more serious, and he lowers their hands but doesn't let go of Leo's wrists.
“Yeah. Sounds like it.” He runs a thumb over Leo's palm. “I mean, shit, I heard all about that Shredder thing, but you were actually...” Suddenly he looks up, eyes wide and his smile even wider. “What's it like to be a hero?”
“Awful,” Leo says on instinct, and Usagi laughs. “I mean, good, I guess? It feels more like a job title than a feeling at this point.”
“Man, I didn't know I was friends with some big shot this whole time.”
He's doing that thing again, where he can tell exactly where Leo's willingness to talk about a sore subject runs out and manages to change the subject so quickly he barely notices.
He's amazing like that.