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He was standing in the shower, scrubbing himself trying to get rid of the feeling of sticky ness from sweat. He felt filthy, like there was a coating on his skin that didn't go away no matter how much he tried. How had he fallen to his instincts? He said he never would, done everything in his power not to. Yet it happened. He felt like he had broken a promise. Like he’d been unfaithful. He continued to scrub until his skin was raw.
***
Sleep didn’t come easy these days. Normally he’d just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Hoping to at least get a wink of sleep before the next day. Somedays he would just sit in the kitchen. What use was it to try and sleep when it wouldn’t come.
The dreams didn't appear right away. But when they did they were filled with that night. He’d wake up panting still feeling the hands on his body. He’d run to the toilet to throw up before showering wishing the feeling would go away. He wished the first time would have been different.
He’d try to avoid sleep to keep the thoughts and dreams away. It worked for a while until he passed out from exhaustion, the dreams hunting him again waking him up after only a few hours.
***
Then they changed. After a few weeks he finally got a full night of sleep. He opened his eyes and was in high school. He looked around taking in the familiar surroundings. He never thought he would be here again. A hand waved slowly before his face.
“Are you okay?” He focused on the face before him. The words became stuck in his throat before he could answer. He looked at that face he missed so much. The softness of his eyes when he looked at him. The way he still smiled so easily. Before everything changed. He was just about to answer when he was startled awake by the alarm.
He felt a tear slide down his face. The dream had left him feeling a deep ache in his heart.
He tried to go back again. But sleep would evade him and when he managed, it was short and restless. No dreams appeared. Eventually the exhaustion took over and he finally fell into deep sleep. He was back in high school again. They were eating dinner together. He remembered this. It was after a long semester with grueling classes that were finally over. They were celebrating. The eyes were still looking at him fondly, albeit a bit tired. But they still looked at him with love and care. He reached out to touch him. Before he managed, he was woken up again. This time when the warmth of the dream slowly left him and he was left feeling hollow.
Sometimes he would come back to dreams about normal classes. Sometimes of the convenience store. Sometimes they were studying together. He didn't care what it was, just that they were together.
***
Then one night it changed. Opening his eyes to the familiarity of their time in the company. The desk, the room, the people.
Looking at him now, his composure more serious. The smile was still there but not as frequent. Yet the gaze still held so much love. He couldn't believe he had missed it.
The dreams would still follow what had been. The meetings, company events, dinners.
He didn't try to reach out again to touch him. Letting the small moments from their past have their way. Changing small things to become more intimate. But not enough to change what had been. It was perfect.
***
The last dream came as everything else around him fell apart. He’d dream of an apartment. The scent was strong of both iris and wood sage. The living room scattered with toys, a child’s laughter could be heard. He just stood there staring at the scene. A child, his child, laughing at something on the tv.
He felt a pair of arms sneak around his waist. The warm breath close to his ear whispering.
“What are you thinking of so hard? Hmm?”
Turning around taking a deep breath. Inhaling the scent before answering. “That I love you so much. and I wish I could stay forever”
Then he woke up. The tears falling silently from his face. Still feeling the arms around his waist. Wishing so badly the dream was real.
***
He started to rely on sleeping pills to sleep. He told the doctor he had trouble sleeping and that he needed it to get sleep. Otherwise he didn’t have energy for daily life. In reality it was to get back to his dreams. Not that he could tell the truth.
At first he’d just take them occasionally. He didn't need to see him every day. But the days without him felt hollow. Like he was missing a part of himself. The ache settled over his heart, like a phantom pain. As if he had left half in the dream.
After weeks he just woke up feeling more tired. Feeling like he had barely slept. Feeling more hollow for each day, getting harder and harder to leave the warmth of the dreams behind.
Eventually he just stayed home and tried to sleep as much as possible. Nothing else was important, having no energy to do anything either. He just wished to get back to his family. The iris and wood sage scented apartment. The sound of small steps running around. the warmth of the dream. Even if it was only a dream, it was better than reality.
One day the phone rang. He answered without looking. The voice on the other end speaking without being prompted to.
“You can't keep doing this”
He didn't answer. Hanging up before throwing the phone into a corner of the room.
***
He walked through the door to the apartment. It was quiet. He carefully took off his shoes before making his way towards the bedroom. He saw two people lying in the bed beneath the blankets. He made his way over sitting down carefully. He started to gently run his hand through the hair that stuck up from beneath the blanket. Eventually feeling the body beneath his hand stir. He watched as his beloved let out a yawn before speaking.
“Did you have a nice nap?”
“Mmm, it was relaxing. How was your day?”
“It was fine. Better now when I’m here with you” He gently cupped his cheek before giving him a kiss. “I love you”
In the background, the sound of a bottle hitting the floor could be heard.
*** at another location***
The newspaper was laying on the kitchen table. The radio quietly playing in the background. He picked up his mug while turning to the other page. The cup slipped from his hand, shattering on the floor. His breath caught as he read the headline.
He fumbled to get his phone out. Pressing a number he hadn’t in a long time. Sorry this phone number has been disconnected. Again. Sorry this phone number has been disconnected. Sorry this phone number has been disconnected.
Desperately he tried another number. It rang two times before getting picked up.
“Yes”
“Hua-mìshū” his voice trembling. “Is it true?”
“What does it have to do with you? You left”
Sinking down to the floor he couldn’t help letting out a sob. Cradling his stomach. Wishing things had ended differently.
In the background you could hear the news being broadcasted on the radio.
CEO of HS group found dead after overdosing on sleeping pills. It is speculated it was from grief of losing his omega. It has been well known the CEO had been looking everywhere. Even using billboards to look for him. Many believe him to have gone crazy. HS Group has refrained from making any statements at this moment.