Chapter Text
The rain started falling as soon as he walked through the door of his building. He heated up some food, grabbed a beer, and settled on his couch to watch some TV.
Things at the station had been rough lately. The case that Henry had been working on hadn’t been easy on any of them. It was always rough learning that your partner, or that anyone on the force, was a dirty cop. Then he had been shot. He had survived, but the station had been a bit chaotic because of it.
Before the dust had even begun to settle, there had been a child rape case. Those were never easy. Even Spencer, who usually took everything as a joke, had clearly been affected by that one.
A knock at the door surprised him. He wasn’t expecting anyone and it wasn’t as if he tended to get visitors. He opened the door and found Spencer standing there, soaking wet, dripping in the hallway.
Carlton opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped himself. Spencer looked miserable. Carlton couldn’t ever remember ever seeing Spencer look this miserable. He also looked like he expected Carlton to tell him to get lost, which wouldn’t be far off the mark. There was something in Spencer’s eyes though, something that made him actually invite Spencer inside, despite his better judgement.
“Come in, Spencer. I’ll get some clothes you can wear for now while we stick yours in the dryer. Then you can go home.”
Spencer walked down the hallway and into Carlton’s bedroom without a word. Carlton fished out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and handed them to Spencer, who had stripped almost completely right there. He bit his tongue and shooed Spencer off to the bathroom while he went and put Spencer’s clothes in the dryer, and then cleaned up the dishes from his dinner and made sure everything was locked up since he wasn’t sure how long Spencer was going to be here for.
When he got back to his bedroom he found Spencer in his bed, already asleep. Carlton walked up to the bed and reached out a hand, ready to shake Spencer awake and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. But whatever had possessed Carlton to invite Spencer in also made him decide to just let Spencer sleep.
He got ready for bed, put his pajamas on, and slid into bed next to Spencer, more than a little confused.
His brain didn’t want to shut off though. He couldn’t help but wonder why Spencer was here. Why him? Why hadn’t Spencer crawled into bed with O’Hara, or Guster, or even Henry.
They had all been through a lot lately and maybe Spencer was in need of some comfort and maybe he needed to feel safe. That still didn’t answer why Spencer was here though. He should be able to get all of that from O’Hara. At the very least he should be able to get some comfort from Guster, even though Carlton could understand why Spencer wouldn’t go to him to feel safe.
Actually, Carlton could understand why Spencer wouldn’t go to Guster for comfort. Guster didn’t seem like the comforting type. Not for Spencer anyway.
Maybe Spencer and O’Hara had fought. It wasn’t as if O’Hara kept him informed of everything that happened in their relationship. And if it had just happened he wouldn’t have known about it anyway.
Why had Carlton allowed this to happen? That was the most important question.
He liked Spencer well enough, usually, for the most part, though he would never admit that to anybody. He didn’t know if Spencer actually knew that or not. He probably didn’t considering that when he showed up he looked like he had expected to be kicked to the curb, which was something that Carlton would normally have done.
He hadn’t though. He couldn’t explain why, but he had found himself feeling protective towards Spencer, and not because he was a civilian and Carlton was sworn to protect all civilians.
It could have had something to do with the fact that Spencer had looked like someone had kicked his favorite puppy. That, and the silence. Since when did Spencer not talk?
There was more to it than that though. There had been that something in Spencer’s eyes. Carlton still didn’t know what that was though.
He needed to put all of this to the back of his mind right now though. He needed to sleep. He could always talk to Spencer in the morning.
Carlton was nearly asleep when it hit him. Desperation. That’s what had been in Spencer’s eyes earlier. That’s what had made Carlton’s protective instincts kick in. That’s what had made him invite Spencer into his home and let him sleep in his bed.
Spencer wasn’t there in the morning though, and the only signs that had even been there at all were the clothes he had borrowed from Carlton in the hamper and a drawing of a pineapple on his kitchen table.
Amazingly enough, Carlton knew Spencer well enough to know that the drawing of the pineapple was actually Spencer’s way of thanking him.
He put the drawing away and headed for the shower. None of his questions had been answered. He was still confused as hell about what had happened, but whatever it was, it was over with now.
***
It wasn’t over though.
That night Spencer showed up at his door again, once again looking like he expected Carlton to tell him to get lost. Which was exactly what Carlton should have done. That desperation was still in Spencer’s eyes though. He couldn’t turn him away.
He still couldn’t understand why Spencer was coming to him for comfort though. It wasn’t like Carlton could offer any.
Spencer didn’t say a word again, even when Carlton tried talking to him. He eventually gave up and handed Spencer another pair of sweats and another t-shirt.
In the morning the clothes were in the hamper and there was a drawing of a dinosaur on the table. With a pineapple. In the corner. Carlton shook his head and put that drawing with the other one Spencer had drawn.
***
After a long day at work, Carlton was less than thrilled when he opened the door to find Spencer on the other side. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been expecting him, it was just that he wasn’t in the mood to deal with Spencer.
“Why are you here, Spencer? Why aren’t you with Guster or O’Hara? What exactly is it that you want from me? And why haven’t you said a single word to me?” he snapped out, maybe a little more viciously than he had intended. Spencer’s shoulders slumped. He turned and walked away from Carlton.
Carlton was surprised by how badly he felt about that. He could kick himself and he wasn’t really sure why.
“Spencer, wait,” he called down the hall. He was glad when Spencer actually stopped.
“That didn’t mean you couldn’t stay here.”
Spencer turned around and made his way back to Carlton, the same exhausted, haunted, and desperate look that had been plaguing him for the past couple of nights.
Carlton grabbed some clothes for Spencer and they got ready for bed. It was only the third night, but it was starting to feel like routine already.
They had only been asleep for a few hours when something woke Carlton up. He sat up, gun at the ready, when he realized that next to him Spencer was moaning and thrashing in his sleep, clearly in distress. He put his gun away, wondering if he should try and wake Spencer.
“Spencer,” he tried with no response. He may as well try and wake him up. There was no reason that Spencer should suffer any more than he clearly was.
“Spencer!” he tried again. Still no response.
Gently he placed his hands on Spencer’s shoulders meaning to shake him, but as soon as his hands were on Spencer, Spencer stilled. He opened his eyes and blinked up at Carlton.
“You were having a nightmare.”
Spencer nodded but didn’t say anything.
Carlton lay back down and tried to get to sleep, but beside him Spencer kept tossing and turning, and Carlton had a feeling that Spencer wouldn’t be getting back to sleep anytime soon.
With a sigh, Carlton sat up. “Spencer, get out of bed and wait for me at the kitchen table.” Amazingly, Spencer did as he asked without even hesitating. Carlton grabbed what he needed and then followed Spencer out to the kitchen table.
“I know you know how to use a gun, but do you know how to clean them?”
Spencer nodded. He handed Spencer a gun and kept one for himself.
“I know how people perceive me when it comes to my gun obsession. They think I don’t know, but I do. I’ve gotten used to it. I try not to let it bother me because people don’t really understand. I know you don’t understand either, but maybe after this you will. I like to clean my guns when I need to clear my head, just like I like going to the shooting range when I need to clear my head. Cleaning the gun is soothing. Maybe the monotony of it will help you sleep.”
When Carlton looked up from his gun he found Spencer watching him intently. Realizing that Carlton was done speaking, he got to work on his gun.
They worked together in silence and when Spencer finished, he handed his gun to Carlton and headed back to the bedroom. Carlton put the guns away and then slid into bed next to Spencer.
In the morning Carlton was a bit surprised to see that Spencer was already gone. It had been the norm, but Carlton had figured that he would have had a harder time getting out of bed so early after he had been up with the nightmare. It was possible he didn’t think Carlton would want him hanging around any longer than necessary.
The drawing on the table that morning was of Carlton holding a pineapple. He had known that the drawings had been Spencer’s way of thanking him, but this drawing was different.
The other drawings had shown Carlton just how much Spencer appreciated whatever it was that Carlton was doing for him. This drawing showed Carlton that Spencer was especially appreciative of how Carlton had taken care of things last night.
Carlton couldn’t say how he knew any of this. Maybe after all these years, Carlton was actually learning how to understand Spencer-speak.
Without really knowing why, he took the drawing over to the fridge and hung it up with a magnet.
He needed to figure out what he was going to do with Spencer. Clearly Spencer had come to him for help, for comfort. He still didn’t know why, but it had happened. What Carlton needed to decide was if he was going to keep doing whatever it was they were doing, to continue helping Spencer in whatever way he managed to help.
***
By the end of the day he had figured out what he was going to do. He answered the door when Spencer knocked and led him over to the kitchen table. When they were both sitting he slid a key across the table.
“I don’t know if you’re planning on keeping this up but you can come and go as you please now. And you don’t have to get out of bed before me in the morning. And make sure to bring some things over so you have stuff here.”
Spencer’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything, which was becoming freakishly normal. Spencer didn’t even smile. He took the key though and nodded.
In the morning the bed was empty. Carlton was surprised that he actually felt a bit disappointed, but he pushed that thought away and got ready for the day.
***
When Carlton got home Spencer was already there, in his kitchen, cooking. Carlton nodded at him and headed for the bedroom. There was an empty bag in the corner which meant that Spencer had brought some stuff over like Carlton had told him to. There was space in the closet and the drawers that were meant to be Marlowe’s but that Spencer could use for now.
In the bathroom Spencer’s toiletries were laid out neatly, contrary to what Carlton would have expected.
Carlton freshened up, put Spencer’s bag away, and then joined him in the kitchen.
He tried to help Spencer finish making dinner, but Spencer wouldn’t let him, he just shooed him away without saying a word. Carlton gave up and instead set the table for them.
Spencer was an amazing cook, something that Carlton hadn’t known about him and certainly wouldn’t have expected. He didn’t say a single word throughout the entire meal though.
Carlton wondered when Spencer would start talking again. This quiet, subdued Spencer was really starting to unnerve him.
It was then that he realized that he was actually kind of worried about Spencer. That was new. It didn’t really bother him though, and that was a complete surprise.
*****
It was about a week later, just a little over a week from when Spencer first crawled into his bed, when Spencer and Guster showed up at the station again. They hadn’t seen Spencer around here in only a little over a week and everyone was greeting him like a long lost friend. It was ridiculous. He still didn’t know what it was about Spencer that everyone loved so much.
It upset Carlton more than it should. Not that Spencer was being treated the way he was, but the fact that he was talking. Spencer had been sleeping in his bed for over a week now but he hadn’t uttered a word to Carlton. A few minutes at the station and he was talking to everyone.
When Spencer got closer, though, Carlton could see that it was just an act. It made him wonder just how much of an act Spencer normally put on. Besides the whole psychic thing anyway.
Spencer was exhausted and he clearly didn’t want to be around all these people, but he was putting on a happy face for all of them.
He turned towards Carlton and was about to say something when Chief Vick came out and asked them to meet her in the conference room. Spencer closed his mouth and walked off to the conference room with Guster close behind him.
With a sigh, Carlton got up and followed them, choosing a seat across from Spencer.
He paid attention to Spencer throughout the meeting, which was unusual for Carlton for more than one reason. It was Spencer first of all, and secondly, Carlton always paid attention in meetings. This was stuff he needed to know in order to catch the bad guys.
He couldn’t stop paying attention to Spencer though and was glad for it when he saw the moment that something clicked for him.
Carlton had never believed that Spencer was psychic and whatever had just happened, he was sure it was going to lead to one of Spencer’s episodes. Spencer, however, remained quiet, leaving Carlton even more confused. Carlton was sick of being confused.
When the meeting ended, Carlton pulled O’Hara off to the side. “O’Hara, can you ride with Guster out to the crime scene. I need to talk to Spencer.”
O’Hara raised her eyebrows. “You’re willingly getting into a car with Shawn? Must be something important. Anything I need to know?”
“No. Just a bit of guy talk. Does this mean you’ll do it?”
“Sure.”
Carlton waited until O’Hara grabbed Guster before approaching Spencer. “We need to talk, so you’re riding with me and O’Hara is going to ride with Guster.”
Spencer shrugged and followed Carlton out to his car.
After a few minutes of silence in which Spencer didn’t even appear to want to say anything, Carlton finally spoke up.
“Look, Spencer, I know you’re not a psychic. I’ve never believed that you were a psychic and you know that. To be perfectly honest, right now I don’t even care. You came to me for a reason, Spencer. I don’t know what that reason is. I don’t even know if you know what that reason is.
What I do know is that you came to me and that you’re exhausted. You’ve been through a lot and you’re tired of this charade that you’ve been putting on and right now you don’t have the energy to spare for it. You barely even have enough energy to pretend to everyone else that you’re happy. I know you’re not. You don’t seem to feel the need to hide it when you’re at my place, which is fine. I’m sure that’s part of the reason you’re there. It’s not like I ever made a secret of how I felt about your shenanigans.
Now I’ve gotten a little off track here but I do have a point to all of this. I know you saw something back there in the conference room but you didn’t make a big show of it. You stayed completely quiet, in fact, which is highly unusual for you. At least until recently, but nobody else knows that. Why don’t you just tell me what you saw and what you think and we can tell everyone that you had a psychic episode in the car or something. We can even make up some excuse as to why your episodes aren’t as elaborate as they used to be. Maybe we can tell people that because of the stress of what happened with your father the psychic episodes have become subdued. We can make this work, Spencer.”
Carlton hadn’t intended on talking so much but they were things that Spencer needed to hear.
“How do I know this isn’t some elaborate scheme to get me to admit that I’m not psychic?”
The first words that Spencer had said to him in over a week and they were accusing Carlton of trying to trick him into admitting that he wasn’t psychic. After everything that Carlton had done for Spencer and this was the thanks he got. He hated to admit it, but it actually hurt.
“Is that what you think?” he asked, ignoring the part of him that really wanted to smack Spencer for even suggesting something like that. Maybe it was something he would have done in the past, but not now. A little over a week and his attitude towards Spencer had already changed.
So it actually made sense that Spencer wouldn’t believe him. Maybe if it had been a few months then Spencer would know he was telling the truth.
“No,” Spencer admitted.
“Good, because we have a case to solve. Does this mean you’ll help me like a normal person instead of some crazy psychic?”
Spencer sighed and nodded and then proceeded to tell Carlton what it was he saw and what he thought it meant. Carlton listened carefully and was quite possibly just a bit awestruck at the way that Spencer’s mind worked. Not that he would ever admit that, of course.
He had known that Spencer was skilled, but it was nice to see it without the crazy. What it must be like inside of Spencer’s brain when Spencer wasn’t acting like an idiot.
***
They were finally wrapping up the case. He and Spencer had actually worked well together on this one. When Spencer actually told him what he saw and how he came to his conclusions, it was much easier to work with him.
Spencer hadn’t wanted any of the credit though, which was why he was standing in Chief Vick’s office now. Spencer not wanting any of the credit for solving the case meant that he and Guster weren’t going to get paid, and they certainly deserved to get paid on this one.
“Detective Lassiter, what can I do for you?”
“It’s about the case that we just solved. Spencer is the reason I was able to solve it. He deserves to get paid for it. I’m not sure why he didn’t want the credit for it.”
“Well maybe he wants to make sure people start giving you the respect you deserve.”
Even just a few weeks ago and Carlton would have said that there was no way that Spencer would do something like that. Now however, he wasn’t sure that was the case.
“Carlton, I’m glad to see the two of you finally working so well together. If you can work the same way together with him on other cases, if you can keep him… under control, then I would be willing to hire him on more often. It’s kind of nice to see him so calm.”
“No it’s not,” Carlton replied before he could stop himself. Chief Vick gave him a strange look but didn’t say anything.
“Does this mean you’ll pay Spencer for this case?”
“It’ll be waiting for him here on Monday.”
He thanked Chief Vick and left.
The entire time they were working on the case he hadn’t asked Spencer how it was he managed to pull off his psychic abilities. He’d been paying more attention to how Spencer worked though, and he was pretty sure he had most of the picture, but he felt like there was a piece missing and that it was something vital.
Spencer was lounging on the couch when Carlton got home.
“You have an eidetic memory like your mother does, don’t you?” he asked in lieu of a greeting.
Spencer turned the television off and turned to face him. “Hello to you too, Lassie. And yes, I do.”
“That’s how you do it, isn’t it? Or at least that’s part of it. You also got a perfect score on the detective’s exam. And I’m sure growing up with a father who was a detective was part of it too. There’s something I’m missing though, some vital part of it all.”
“You should take me and Gus out to dinner. I can show you better than I can tell you.”
“Fair enough, but what does Guster have to do with any of this?”
“He’ll be able to help me show you, plus he should know that I’ve told you the truth. It’ll be easier with you there because otherwise he won’t believe me when I tell him you’re okay with this. Besides, I’ve been spending a lot of time with you and Gus has been wondering where I’ve been. It’s probably time I tell him. I wasn’t even sure if you would want me telling him that I’m staying here.”
“You can tell him.”
“Does this mean I can have him over too?”
He had been expecting this. He was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. That right there was an indication of just how well Spencer wasn’t doing. He and Guster were a package deal.
“That’s fine, Spencer.”
Spencer pulled out his phone and began typing. “I’m telling him to meet us here and then you can take us out to dinner.”
Carlton nodded and then headed back to his bedroom. He wanted to freshen up before dinner since he was apparently now going out for it.
Guster arrived while he was still in the bathroom and he could hear Spencer explaining to him that Carlton knew about Spencer’s lack of psychic abilities. He was unsurprised to hear Guster having a mild panic attack about it.
Carlton figured that he should probably get out there and join them so that Guster didn’t try and kill Spencer or something.
“Relax, Guster. I’m not going to tell Chief Vick or anyone else. As a matter of fact, I talked to her today about the two of you getting paid for this case even though Spencer didn’t take credit for it. You’ll have a check on Monday. She also said that if Spencer and I continue to work together the way that we did for this case, then she would be willing you hire you on for more cases.”
“So I’m supposed to believe that you’ve suddenly had a change of heart? I don’t buy it.”
Carlton sighed and glanced at Spencer. He was watching Carlton. “Guster, I know you have no reason to believe me and I can’t explain to you why I won’t be saying anything. It’s complicated. You’re just going to have to trust me when I tell you that your secret is safe with me.”
“And Lassie would never go back on his word.”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
Guster glared at both of them. “Fine. Now I believe I was invited here to get some dinner.”
“Yes Spencer, where exactly are we going?”
“Somewhere we don’t go often and somewhere that doesn’t have any waiting time.”
Carlton huffed. “Great. That shouldn’t be too hard to find on a Friday night.”
Spencer patted his shoulder. “That’s the spirit, Lassie.”
Spencer sounded so much like his usual self that Carlton could almost forget that he was still only just putting on an act. He couldn’t help but wonder why Spencer felt the need to put on an act in front of Guster. The two of them had grown up together. Shouldn’t Spencer be able to be himself around Guster? Did Guster even realize just how badly Spencer was doing right now? Could he see past Spencer’s charade?
They got to the restaurant and were seated immediately. As soon as they had taken their seats, Spencer closed his eyes.
“Okay, Lassie. Now I only had my eyes open from the time we walked into the restaurant to as soon as we sat down. Ask me anything about this place.”
Carlton was confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Gus, why don’t you start.”
“Shawn, how many televisions are there?”
“Eight,” Spencer answered after just a few seconds. “Your turn, Lassie.”
Carlton didn’t answer right away. He was too busy trying to count all of the televisions in the restaurant. Sure enough there were eight. “Okay. How did you do that?”
“Aren’t you going to ask me for another demonstration, Lassie? Or are you going to make Gus ask me another question?”
“Does it have to be just about the restaurant or can it be about the people inside too?”
“Anything at all.”
“Fine.” Carlton looked around and tried to think of something to ask, something he could easily confirm. He looked at what everyone was wearing and noticed that only a few people were wearing red. “How many people are wearing red shirts?”
“Three. Those bastards are going to die.”
“You know that’s right.”
Carlton had no idea what either of them was talking about.
“Are you going to keep making me ask you questions? Clearly you were trained to be very observant. And you remember everything you see because of your eidetic memory. That explains everything. How though? How did you become so observant?”
“Gus, will you do the honors?”
“How many hats are in the room, Shawn?”
Not only did Spencer answer with the correct number, but he pointed out where the people were in the restaurant, and even described what the hats looked like. When he was done he opened his eyes and looked at Carlton.
“I got asked that question anytime I was out with my father. That question and more. Every game I played got turned into a lesson. I knew to kick out the taillight of the car because my father locked me in the trunk. That was just a normal lesson for him. I was trained to be a cop, Lassie.”
Carlton was actually a little appalled. “And the lie detector test? How did you pass that?”
“Just another lesson.”
“Jesus. That explains a lot.”
Spencer just shrugged.
He let Guster and Spencer carry the conversation throughout dinner. He had always thought that it would have been amazing to be raised by a cop, by a detective. Yet hearing the way that Spencer had grown up, he wasn’t so sure. His childhood had sucked, yes, but at least he had gotten to be a child. Spencer hadn’t gotten to play any games at all without his father turning it into something else.
Carlton refocused on the conversation when he heard Guster asking Spencer about where he had been staying and what he had been doing with all of his time since he knew that he and O’Hara had broken up. Well now at least Carlton knew that for sure.
“Shawn, are you going to tell me or not?”
“Well, the thing is… See, I’ve kind of been staying with Lassie and I’ve been spending all of my free time there.”
“Don’t mess with me, Shawn.”
“It’s true, Guster. He’s kind of moved in with me.”
Guster looked between the two of them, probably waiting for one of them to tell him that they were playing a prank on him, but Spencer just shrugged.
“You should come over tomorrow, Gus.”
Carlton left them to their conversation again, his thoughts returning to Spencer. The nightmares made sense now. If Spencer was this observant and had an eidetic memory then there was no way that he wouldn’t be having nightmares. Carlton was a little surprised that he didn’t have them more often, even though he did seem to have them often enough.
He was actually surprised that Spencer could sleep at all. Carlton wasn’t sure that he would be able to. He remembered enough of the details as it was, he couldn’t imagine remembering as much as Spencer did.
After dinner, Carlton drove them all back to his place. Guster said his goodbyes and told Spencer that he would stop by tomorrow. Spencer headed for the bedroom while Carlton locked up. He was already in bed when Carlton finally climbed in beside him.
He wanted to say something about what he had learned tonight. He wanted to tell Spencer that he was sorry that his childhood had been the way it was. He wanted to tell Spencer that he had lost whatever respect he may have had for Henry. He just didn’t know how to say any of it.
“Lassie, are you okay? You’ve been kind of quiet since you found out about how I can do what I do.”
Carlton rolled over so he could face Spencer. He could just make out his features in the sliver of light that made its way in through the window.
“What your father did… Spencer, I always thought it would have been wonderful to grow up with a cop for a father the way that you did. And I think it could have been wonderful, but even I know what your father did would be considered abuse to a lot of people.”
“Abuse? I think that’s a bit much, Lassie. Besides, I’m over it. It’s all in the past now.”
“Are you really over it, Spencer? I know your relationship with your father is strained, but you would think your father getting shot would mean that the two of you would become closer. That doesn’t seem to be the case though. In fact, have you even been to visit him since you moved in with me?”
“Why do you care, Lassie. It’s my problem, not yours.” Spencer conveniently ignored Carlton’s question about his father.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you kind of made yourself my problem.”
Spencer was quiet for long enough that the silence became uncomfortable. Carlton was about to say something when Spencer finally spoke up.
“Do you want me gone?” It was asked so quietly and there was so much hesitance in Spencer’s voice, like he honestly thought that Carlton was going to kick him out.
“No.” Carlton meant it too. Even with Spencer back at work and up to his usual antics, for the most part anyway, when he was here with Carlton he was quieter and calmer.
It wasn’t as bad as when he had first been here, thankfully. It was more like Spencer could fully be himself around Carlton, and Carlton kind of liked that.
“Lassie, do you remember when I helped you solve that Civil War Reenactment case?”
“Yes.” He had no idea where Spencer was going with this.
“You had everyone’s placement set up for everyone to study in that meeting. I only saw it for two minutes. I was able to recreate the whole thing at the Psych office.”
Carlton remembered that board. All of those people, the placement of the river, the tents, the trees. “You did that after only having seen it for two minutes? And you’re serious?”
“Just in case what I did at the restaurant didn’t give you an idea of the extent of my abilities.”
“Spencer, that’s incredible.”
“Goodnight, Lassie.”
“Goodnight, Spencer.”
He didn’t sleep though. He was remembering something. He remembered the time that they had been drugged and Spencer was trying to help him figure out if he had shot a guy. Spencer had been trying to help them solve that case. During that time, Spencer had slipped a couple of times and did things that proved he wasn’t actually a psychic. Carlton had been too focused on what had been going on that it hadn’t really even registered with him. And when Carlton thought even more on it, that wasn’t the first time Spencer had slipped up.
Carlton had only just fallen asleep when he was awoken by one of Spencer’s nightmares.
“Are we going to clean guns again?” Spencer asked after Carlton had managed to wake him.
“No. I have something else planned.”
He led Spencer over to the coffee table, not saying anything when Spencer turned the television on. He pulled out the package he had been hiding under the couch. It was a puzzle.
He took the cover off while it was still in the bag and then handed the bottom of the box with all of the pieces over to Spencer.
“Don’t I even get to see what the puzzle is supposed to be?”
“Sorry, Spencer. It’s a surprise.”
They worked on the puzzle with the television on as background noise. They were about a half hour into their puzzling when Carlton opened his mouth without thinking.
“You’re not an idiot.”
Spencer just smirked at him. “Thanks. I think.”
“No. That didn’t come out right. What I meant was that you always go around acting like an idiot, but you have an eidetic memory and you got a perfect score on the detective exam, and you have excellent deduction skills. You’re actually really smart, aren’t you.”
“Genius, actually.”
“Why hide it? Especially around Guster. He has to know how smart you are, right?”
“He knows, but sometimes I think he forgets that it’s all just an act.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
Spencer shrugged. “I took his pharmaceutical rep recertification exam for him. He’d been studying for that thing for weeks and he was so pissed that I took it. He thought he wasn’t going to get re-certified.”
“And that really doesn’t bother you?”
“Nah.”
“I get why you do it with everyone else. People underestimate you all the time because they think you’re an idiot. You even act surprised by things that you already know. Spencer, nobody knows who you really are, do they?”
Spencer shook his head.
“I do now though. Why me, Spencer? That’s still what I don’t understand. Of all people, why did you feel you could be yourself around me?”
“I don’t know, Lassie. I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know why I decided to be myself around you. I do know that you of all people appreciate me a lot more when I’m not being obnoxious. Other than that, I don’t have anything for you.”
“You didn’t go to O’Hara though. Had you already broken up with her?”
“Yes. But does it really matter why I came to you?”
Carlton sighed. “No. I suppose not. It seems to be working for you.”
Spencer smiled at him, a genuine smile that reached his eyes. Spencer didn’t smile like that much these days.
“It is working. And while we’re on the subjects of idiots, why do you let people think you’re one?”
“Because nobody understands me. I’m a little too enthusiastic with my work. That scares people. At least if I act like an idiot they aren’t worried about what I might do. People respected me though, for the most part. Until you came along.”
Spencer laid a hand on his shoulder. “You know that’s all going to change now. I’m going to make sure you’re even more respected than you were. They’re all going to look up to you, Lassie.”
Carlton didn’t know what to say to that. He had never been good with feelings, though talking to Spencer had so far been easier than talking to any of the women in his life. It just seemed to come naturally to them.
“Come on, Spencer. We should get to bed now.”
Spencer turned off the television and they left the puzzle where it was. They climbed back into bed, and when Spencer scooted close enough to Carlton that Carlton could feel the heat coming off of him, well, Carlton didn’t say anything.
*****
Carlton was completely absorbed in the book he was reading. He was so absorbed that it was a while before he realized just how much time had passed. Spencer had been in the shower for well over an hour now. That couldn’t be good.
He set his book down and went to the bathroom door and knocked. “Spencer?”
There was no answer. He pounded on the door. “Spencer!” he shouted.
Still no answer.
Worried now, he let himself into the bathroom. The shower was still running and the curtain was drawn.
“Spencer?” he tried again. Nothing.
He walked up to the shower and pulled back the curtain. Spencer was curled up in the corner of the tub, ice cold water raining down on him. He was shaking and possibly even having a panic attack. It was hard to tell because Spencer was shaking so violently.
“Jesus, Spencer.”
He shut off the water and grabbed a couple of towels. He bundled Spencer up as best as he could and carried him to the bed where he dried Spencer off and then hunted down a pair of his boxers.
He managed to not only get the boxers on Spencer, but to get him under the covers as well. Spencer was still shaking quite badly though, so with a sigh, Carlton stripped down to his boxers and crawled under the covers with Spencer, pressing their bodies together and wrapping his arms around him.
He kept up a steady stream of chatter, trying his best to soothe Spencer. Eventually Spencer stopped shivering, and a short period after that, he even relaxed into Carlton and fell asleep.
Carlton kept his arms firmly around Spencer. He had no idea what had just happened except that Spencer had scared the shit out of him.
He didn’t think he was going to be able to sleep. He was too worried about Spencer. Yet eventually he found himself drifting off.
***
The bed was empty when Carlton woke up. He could smell food though. That meant Spencer was probably cooking breakfast for the both of them. He threw a t-shirt on and joined Spencer in the kitchen.
“Take a seat, Lassie. Breakfast is almost done.”
Carlton took a seat at the table and waited for Spencer to finish cooking. He didn’t know if they were going to talk about last night or not. He hoped they would. He wanted to know what the hell had happened. Spencer looked fine now, like nothing had happened last night. He wondered if Spencer was just putting an act on for him. Carlton didn’t like that thought. Carlton was the one person that Spencer could be himself around, so why would he put on an act. He really hoped Spencer wasn’t.
Spencer served them both breakfast and they ate quietly. When they were finished, Carlton took their dishes to the sink to clean them. He hoped Spencer wouldn’t run off while he did this. It wasn’t like Spencer was actually going to go somewhere though. The only time he ever went out these days was to work a case.
Spencer was still waiting for him at the table when Carlton was done. He sat back down and waited. He didn’t have to wait for long.
“Lassie, you have no idea what it’s like to have an eidetic memory and to be trained to take in every detail of everything. Sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes my dreams like to take the people I care about and substitute them in as the ones being tortured or murdered. I don’t know how to make it go away.”
Carlton didn’t have any idea what it was like. He could only imagine how bad it would be, but he knew his imagination couldn’t compare to whatever it was that Spencer saw.
“Spencer, how have you dealt with it in the past?”
“I ran. I haven’t stayed anywhere as long as I have here since I was old enough to get out on my own and finally leave.”
“Have you thought about running again?”
Spencer laughed wryly. “Oh, Lassie. I was going to run. I was going to leave everyone behind without saying a word. I don’t know what made me stop here, but I did. I knew I hadn’t planned on staying, and then you invited me in.”
Carlton couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Are you saying you stayed because of me?”
“Figures, right? All this time you’ve been trying to do anything you could to get rid of me. You invite me in one night and you lose your chance at getting rid of me.”
Carlton could deal with that. He was shocked, but he could deal with it. It was true that Carlton had always wanted to get rid of Spencer, but he didn’t regret taking Spencer in. Spencer had clearly needed help.
It was what had happened last night that still had Carton worried. “What about last night? What do you need from me now?”
Spencer’s features softened into a smile. “There’s nothing you can do, Lassie. At least nothing more than what you’re already doing.”
Carlton didn’t like hearing that there wasn’t anything more he could do. He wanted to help Spencer. He didn’t want a repeat of last night.
What Spencer really needed was professional help, which he didn’t even believe in. Spencer probably wouldn’t want to see someone anyway since his mother was in that particular profession.
“Thanks for keeping me, Lassie,” Spencer said so quietly that Carlton almost missed it.
Carlton shrugged it off like it was no big deal even though it kind of warmed his heart to hear.
“I’m so used to you causing chaos at the department that it would probably be too quiet without you around.”
Spencer huffed out a laugh and then got up and headed back towards the bedroom.
Spencer was clearly more troubled than Carlton had realized. He felt the overwhelming need to fix Spencer. That was mixed with the crushing weight of knowing that he wouldn’t be able to.
He got up and followed Spencer back to the bedroom where Spencer had gotten back into bed.
“Mind if I join you?”
Spencer pulled back the covers in invitation so Carlton crawled in next to him. Spencer was lying on his back and before Carlton could think too much about it, he scooted over to Spencer and put an arm around him. He knew it was okay when Spencer let one of his hands rest on Carlton’s arms.
“Did you know that I was going to propose to Jules?”
“No, I definitely did not know that.”
“I was only going to do it because I thought she was expecting me to do it. Stupid, really. I wasn’t going to propose because I wanted to and I couldn’t even tell her the truth anyway.”
Carlton didn’t say anything because he agreed with Spencer. It was stupid. He didn’t know what the hell Spencer had been thinking.
“You told me you were going to shoot me if I didn’t treat her right. You haven’t shot me though.”
“In case you missed it, Spencer, you’re kind of a mess.”
Spencer snorted. “Yeah. I am. I hurt her though.”
“Would you have ever told her the truth?”
Spencer was quiet for so long that Carlton didn’t think he was going to answer.
“I thought about it. I thought about it so many times. In the end I don’t think I would have done it.”
“Then maybe it was for the best.”
“Maybe it was,” Spencer sighed, moving closer to Carlton. His breathing evened out and he fell asleep. Carlton honestly didn’t know if that was for the best or not. Spencer clearly needed the sleep, but if he had nightmares then would it really be worth it?
Carlton was way out of his league. He wasn’t good at comforting people who had regular problems. Spencer didn’t exactly have regular problems. Spencer wasn’t exactly regular.
“What the hell am I going to do with you, Spencer?” Carlton murmured.
*****
Carlton was still in bed when there was knock at the door. He heard Spencer answer the door and he could hear Guster talking to Spencer. He didn’t know what the hell they were thinking getting together so early on a Saturday morning. Carlton kind of just wanted to stay in bed, and it wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world if Spencer had decided to stay in bed with him.
With a groan he rolled out of bed and showered. When he was done he made his way out to the kitchen where both Spencer and Guster were cooking.
“Good morning, sleepy head,” Spencer called out. Carlton rolled his eyes and went straight for the coffee pot, but Spencer handed him a cup. Carlton took a sip and sighed. It was exactly the way he liked it.
He sat down and let Guster and Spencer finish whatever it was they were cooking. It was probably something that had pineapples in it. He had gotten used to there being pineapples in practically everything since Spencer had moved in with him.
Sure enough, when Carlton took a bite of the pancakes that were set in front of him, there were pineapples in it.
“So what are you two doing today?”
“We’re just gonna hang out here and play video games all day. You should join us, Lassie.”
“You’re playing video games all day? That’s it? Then why the hell did Guster have to be here so early?”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Just ignore him, Gus. Lassie is a Mr. Grumpy Pants first thing in the morning.”
Carlton huffed but didn’t say anything. He knew Guster and Spencer were a package deal, but he hated how Spencer went back to acting like his idiot self when Guster was around. It still boggled his mind that Spencer felt the need to do that with Guster. It was frustrating, but Carlton couldn’t exactly tell Spencer to stop acting like an idiot in front of Guster.
After they finished breakfast, Guster and Spencer headed to the TV for video games and Carlton took his book to the bedroom to get some reading in.
He ignored Guster and Spencer for as long as he could before the shouts and cheers from the living room finally pulled him from the bedroom.
They were playing some fighting game that Carlton had never heard of. When Guster lost to Spencer, he handed the remote over to Carlton. Carlton stared at it a moment before shrugging and taking it.
That had clearly been a mistake as he lost hours of the day playing video games with the two of them, and would have probably lost more if not for the fact that his stomach growled at him pretty incessantly.
“Are you guys hungry too, or is it just me?”
“I could eat,” Guster replied.
“Same here.”
“Do you guys want to order pizza in or should we go out?” Carlton asked.
“Order in,” Spencer said before Guster could answer. He ran for the phone and began ordering the pizza. His pie had pineapples, of course.
The pizza arrived and the three of them ate at the table. Guster and Spencer spent their time between amusing each other and eating. For the most part, they ignored Carlton. This was normal for them.
To Carlton though, it was like two children eating together. Except he was actually kind of amused by the two of them. Normally he wouldn’t even put up with them for this long, but it had been easier since Spencer had moved in with him.
After they finished eating, Guster and Spencer went back to their video games but Carlton went and hid in the bedroom again with his book. He didn’t want to get sucked into the video game again and it was too loud to sit out there with them and read.
Carlton got lost in his book and he was surprised that it was dark when Spencer walked into the bedroom.
“Why didn’t you stay out there with us, Lassie?”
“I didn’t want to lose hours to that video game again.”
Spencer laughed. “Yeah, they are kind of addicting and it is really easy to lose hours to them.”
“How are you feeling?” It had been about a month since Spencer had had his serious meltdown, and every once in a while he asked Spencer how he was feeling. He was pretty sure that Spencer was both annoyed and secretly pleased with the attention.
“I’m fine.”
It was the same answer that Spencer gave him every time. He knew Spencer was lying. He could see how hard of a time Spencer was having. All he wanted was to help Spencer.
“I wish you would stop saying that. I know you’re not.”
“Then why do you keep asking me?”
“Spencer, I just want to help you.”
“Lassie, I know you do.”
Carlton put his book down and rolled onto his side. He didn’t want to have this discussion with Spencer again. If Spencer didn’t want his help then there was nothing that he could do. He would just have to watch Spencer suffer. His stomach churned at the thought though.
Spencer sighed and turned out the lights. He stayed on his side of the bed. That only lasted for a few minutes before Spencer was scooting as close as he dared to Carlton.
“Please don’t be mad, Lassie. There isn’t anything that you can do and you know that. This isn’t as simple as making me a cup of tea and giving me some cookies and then everything will be all right.”
“You won’t even let me try though.”
Spencer pushed at Carlton’s shoulder until Carlton rolled onto his back.
“What?”
“I don’t like that you’re mad at me.”
Carlton sighed. “Spencer, I’m not mad. I’m just frustrated. I just want to help.”
Spencer rested a hand on Carlton’s chest. Spencer had always touched him more than anyone else at the station, and even Guster, but lately Spencer touched him more often. Spencer was always putting a hand on his shoulder or resting a hand on his back or sitting too close to him on the couch. Sometimes they even woke up pressed together even though they didn’t start that way at night.
Carlton didn’t mind.
“I’m sorry,” Spencer whispered in his ear.
“I know.” He took Spencer’s hand in his and gave him a squeeze. “Try and get some sleep.”
Spencer patted his chest and then settled in next to him. Carlton waited until he was sure that Spencer was asleep before even allowing himself to close his eyes.
He actually had some ideas about how to help Spencer, but he and Spencer weren’t really there yet in their relationship. Maybe someday soon, but not now.
*****
He threw Spencer to the ground and fell down on top of him with a grunt. He had taken the bullet instead of Spencer, exactly the way he had planned it. He gritted his teeth against the pain as Spencer pushed him off of him and started fussing over him.
Everything was a blur until Carlton was sitting in his hospital bed, bullet removed, trying to shoo O’Hara and Chief Vick out of his room. He had only been alone for a few minutes when Spencer showed up. Carlton wasn’t surprised by this. He would have been more surprised if Spencer hadn’t shown up.
Spencer pulled up a chair right next to Carlton’s bed and grasped one of his hands. He just sat there without saying a word. He would stay all night, only sneaking out of Carlton’s room in the morning before anyone else showed up.
***
“I told you I’m fine. I have a ride home. I don’t need you to stay here and wait for me.”
Both Chief Vick and O’Hara remained unconvinced. Finally Chief Vick let out a sigh. “Fine. We’ll go. If you need us then you call, understand?”
Once they were gone Spencer showed up. He had known Spencer would be hanging around to take him home. He didn’t want anyone to know that he was here though because he and Carlton weren’t telling anyone that Spencer had moved in with him.
“Ready to get out of here, Lassie?”
“Yes. Please. Take me home.”
Spencer helped him back to the condo, into his pajamas, and into bed. Carlton had tried to push Spencer away at first when he had started helping him change clothes, but Spencer reminded him that he had carried a wet and naked Spencer from the tub to the bed and had helped him get dressed. Carlton had relented and had let him help.
Carlton sank back against the pile of pillows that Spencer had provided him with.
“You know, it’s just me here, Lassie. You don’t have to be the big bad detective.”
Carlton let out a sigh. “I know.”
Spencer nodded. “You get some rest. I’ll come check on you in a little bit, okay?”
Spencer left the room and Carlton with his thoughts. Spencer still teased him at work, but he didn’t really do it at home. He was usually still pretty quiet at home anyway. Carlton was still trying to get used to the fact that all it was that Spencer was doing was teasing.
Spencer wouldn’t give Carlton a hard time about this though. Not after everything that Carlton had helped him through.
Spencer came back into the room with some soup.
“I thought you wanted me to rest.”
“I decided that you should probably eat something. It’s not much. You should be able to manage it.”
“Thanks for… everything, Spencer.”
Spencer shrugged. “I kind of owe you, Lassie. Not that I wouldn’t be doing this anyway.”
“Spencer, you don’t owe me anything. You needed help.”
“Yeah, but Lassie, you didn’t even really like me. You took me in anyway. I definitely owe you.”
Carlton couldn’t deny that he hadn’t been Spencer’s biggest fan before he had taken Spencer in. He had gotten used to Spencer being around all the time and had even admired the way Spencer’s mind worked, but Carlton wasn’t sure that he would have ever called them friends.
“It doesn’t matter if we were friends or not. I took you in because you needed it. You don’t owe me anything.”
Spencer stretched out on the bed next to him. “What was it that made you take me in that night, Lassie?”
“You want the truth?”
Spencer nodded.
“I saw desperation in your eyes. I couldn’t turn you away. Not after seeing that. I didn’t realize it until I had already taken you in though. It was almost instinct.”
Carlton ate his soup, Spencer lying next to him silently. When he was finished he handed his bowl back to Spencer.
“Does this mean you’re going to let me take care of you, Lassie?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Good.”
Spencer left him alone with his thoughts again. He had to admit that he hadn’t really thought that Spencer had it in him to take care of a friend like this. He couldn’t see Spencer doing this for Guster. Was it really out of a feeling of debt and gratitude that Spencer was doing this for him? Or had something changed in their relationship since Spencer had moved in?
He didn’t think Spencer had ever really disliked him the way that he had disliked Spencer. He had never really disliked Spencer as a person though. He hadn’t been infatuated with him the way everyone else seemed to be, but Spencer wasn’t a bad person. It was his methods and his complete disregard for rules that Carlton couldn’t stand.
It wasn’t as bad now, now that he and Spencer had figured out a decent working relationship for the two of them, but there were still days when he wouldn’t mind strangling Spencer. Sometimes Spencer overcompensated when trying to convince everyone that he was okay, that there was nothing wrong with him. Not even Guster knew just how broken Spencer had become.
Carlton wasn’t going to be able to sleep. He knew Spencer had meant it when he had implied that Carlton could be a huge wimp if he wanted to be. Right now Carlton actually kind of wanted to be.
“Spencer!” he called. Shawn was at the bedroom door in an instant. Before Carlton had even gotten a chance to open his mouth to ask, Shawn was crawling into bed with him, pressing in close and wrapping an arm around him. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Shawn wasn’t actually a psychic.
Carlton sighed and fell asleep almost instantly.
***
Spencer was still in bed with him when he woke up, though he was sitting up and reading now.
“You didn’t have to stay.”
“You would have.”
It was true. He would stay in bed with Spencer if Spencer needed it.
“Do you want me to heat up some more soup for you?”
“I just want to go back to sleep.”
“I think that’s probably a good idea. Do you want some of your pain pills?”
“No. I’m good.”
“Lassie…”
“I’m being serious. I’m fine. Just…” Carlton didn’t know how to put into words that he wanted Spencer to lie down next to him and put his arm around him again. It felt strange asking for that. They were slowly becoming friends and it didn’t seem like something he could ask for yet.
Once again Spencer seemed to know exactly what he wanted. Spencer was warm against him. It was nice. It was comforting. Something he never thought to get with Spencer. Carlton was enjoying it more than he probably should too. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t feeling well. He had been shot. He had an excuse. He moved further into Spencer’s warmth and ignored everything else.
*****
Four months after Spencer had shown up at his condo and Carlton found himself worried about Spencer. Again. Not that he had ever completely stopped worrying about Spencer. There was always a constant worry for Spencer these days. This was new and fresh though. Some new problem with Spencer that Carlton wasn’t going to be able to push away like he could with his constant worry.
For a while there Spencer had actually been doing better. Or at least he had been doing better than when he had first shown up at Carlton’s place.
Now though, Spencer seemed to be having a really hard time keeping up the psychic charade. Spencer actually seemed to be having a really hard time keeping up any charade at all. He could barely manage fake smiles these days.
Carlton had brought up his concerns with Guster only to find out that Guster was worried about Spencer too. They agreed that Spencer was probably burned out and needed to take a break from it.
Carlton took the responsibility of telling Spencer himself.
He brought it up over dinner that night.
“Spencer, Guster and I were talking earlier and we think that you should take a break from the psychic gig.”
“Oh that’s nice. The two of you are talking about me and making decisions for me. Since when did you become my father?”
“There’s no need to insult me, Spencer. You know I’m just trying to help you. Guster and I are just worried about you.”
He couldn’t understand why Spencer felt the need to fight him on this. Spencer always had to fight with people who were just looking out for him.
“Look, we both feel that you seemed to be burned out by the psychic gig. What’s so wrong with taking a break from it, or better yet, taking a vacation?”
Spencer looked down at his food. “I couldn’t take a vacation even if I wanted to.”
“Why not?”
Spencer let out a sigh and focused his attention back on Carlton. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”
“You wouldn’t be able to sleep? I don’t understand.”
Spencer didn’t say anything though. Carlton wasn’t the head detective for nothing and it quickly dawned on him what Spencer meant.
“Have you tried sleeping without me there?”
Spencer nodded.
“I see.”
“I suppose I can take a break from being a psychic though, at least once we’re done with this case. Gus will jump on the chance to actually do some work at his real job.”
“Good.”
Carlton was already busy thinking his way through some plans. He could make this work.
He was also now a little worried that Spencer had become a little too dependent on him. He could only deal with one problem at a time so that one was going to have to wait.
***
“Spencer!” Carlton called out when he got home.
“Present!” came the reply from the bedroom. He walked in to find Spencer lounging on the bed with the television on.
“Big day?” Carlton asked.
“You’re the one who wanted me to take a break, Lassie. So you can’t complain if I’m sitting around and doing nothing.”
“I know. I wasn’t complaining. I do have some news for you however.”
“Oh really.”
“You’re going on vacation.”
Spencer turned off the television and sat up. “I told you that I can’t, Lassie.”
Carlton sat down on the bed next to him. “I know what you said, Spencer, but I have a plan. As far as everyone is concerned, you and Guster are going on a trip. It’ll be somewhere where there isn’t any cell service. I’ll be going on a fishing trip where there is also no cell service. The reality is that Guster will be going on a trip by himself and you’ll be coming out with me to the lake.”
Spencer stared at him without saying a word.
“Do you not like the plan, Spencer?”
“How long are we going for?”
“A week.”
Spencer was looking at Carlton like he was a puzzle that needed solving. “You took a week off of work so that I can go on vacation? Lassie…”
“Don’t worry about it. Just start packing.”
He didn’t need Spencer getting all mushy on him. Spencer needed a break so Carlton was just making sure that he got one.
“Do we leave in the morning?”
“First thing.”
Spencer got off the bed and began packing his things. Carlton did the same.
In bed that night, Spencer shifted closer to Carlton than he normally did. Carlton thought about saying something but decided he preferred the warmth of Spencer’s body next to his so he didn’t bother.
***
They left early in the morning. For all Spencer’s griping any time he had to get up early, Spencer was usually up before him. Spencer didn’t get much sleep, even on nights that he didn’t have nightmares. Or at least on nights that Carlton was aware of his nightmares. He had a feeling that Spencer had nightmares more often than that. They just weren’t as bad as the nights where Carlton had to wake him up.
Once at the cabin Spencer went out to the porch overlooking the lake and sat on the bench that was out there. Carlton grabbed a couple of beers - the cabin was fully stocked for them - and brought them out to the porch, handing one to Spencer.
“Thanks.”
Carlton sat down next to him. It was still early in the afternoon. The sky was clear and the air was cool and crisp. It was peaceful. It was exactly what Spencer needed.
After a few minutes though, Spencer got up. This was never going to help relax Spencer if Spencer wasn’t going to relax.
“Where are you going?”
“Easy, Lassie. I’ll be right back.”
Carlton bit back a sigh but didn’t relax until Spencer was sitting next to him again. He had a couple of books with him and he handed one of them to Carlton. It was a science fiction novel. It wasn’t something he normally read but this was all part of Spencer’s plan to broaden his horizons.
Carlton wanted to make some remark about Spencer being able to sit still long enough to read a book, but he caught himself just in time. Months of this quieter Spencer and Carlton still sometimes had trouble remembering. He still expected Spencer to start yammering about whatever it was that popped into his head. That didn’t happen unless other people were around though.
They read quietly together until neither of them could ignore their rumbling stomachs. Carlton pulled a few patties out of the fridge and a couple of potatoes as well, and they grilled dinner together.
There was a table out on the back porch too so they ate outside and watched the sun set. When they were finished Spencer sat back down on the bench while Carlton cleaned up. It was his vacation too but he preferred that Spencer be the one relaxing. He was genuinely worried about Spencer.
Carlton finished cleaning up and then went inside to grab a blanket. He joined Spencer on the bench and covered both of them with it. With the sun down it was cooler out.
Spencer sighed and moved closer to Carlton. Before he could think too much on it, he put his arm around Spencer’s shoulders and pulled Spencer to him. Spencer relaxed against him and they stayed there until Spencer was nearly asleep in his arms.
***
In the morning Carlton wasn’t surprised to find Spencer awake before him. He was surprised to find that Spencer was dressed and ready to go fishing with him.
“Your dad said he could never get you up early enough to go fishing with him so I thought you didn’t like fishing.”
“I don’t really like fishing, especially not with my dad. You’ve been with him. I’m sure you remember how much fun it was.”
Carlton grimaced at the memory. “You have a point. If you don’t like fishing you don’t have to come with me.”
“Just promise me you’ll throw them all back.”
He’d rather keep them so he could fry them up for dinner, but since this trip was about Spencer he would do whatever Spencer wanted.
“Sure. We can do that.”
They fished from the end of the pier, side by side, legs dangling over the edge. Spencer kept swinging his legs, part of the old Spencer shining through. At one time this probably would have annoyed Carlton, but he didn’t mind it so much right now.
Carlton did his best not to pout as Spencer reeled in yet another fish.
“Is there anything you aren’t good at?” He groused.
Spencer smirked at him. “I can’t touch my tongue to my elbow or whistle while I have food in my mouth.”
That was so much more like the old Spencer, the one that Carlton had grudgingly accepted, that all Carlton could do was gape at him. Spencer laughed and bumped his shoulder. Carlton smiled and bumped his shoulder back.
***
It was the middle of the night when Carlton woke up needing to relieve himself. He couldn’t move though. Spencer’s limbs were a warm, heavy weight on him. Who knew that Spencer was a cuddler. It was actually quite comfortable and he wouldn’t bother except that he really did have to go.
“Spencer,” he said, tapping the arm around him.
“Spencer,” he said more forcefully a second time. Some mumbling came from next to him.
“Spencer, get off of me.”
“Shit, sorry,” Spencer replied, now fully awake. He moved away from Carlton quickly like he thought that Carlton might be angry that Spencer had been cuddling with him. Carlton could understand that.
“Hey, it’s fine, Spencer. I just need to hit the head.” He got up and took care of business, and when he got back into bed, Spencer curled up around him again.
“Still okay?” Spencer asked.
Carlton should tell Spencer it wasn’t. He should tell Spencer to get back to his own side of the bed.
“It’s fine, Spencer. Go back to sleep.”
It wasn’t as if they hadn’t done something like this before. Those had been when one of them had been hurt or had been suffering. It wasn’t something they normally did but that didn’t mean they couldn’t. Maybe they shouldn’t but Carlton wasn’t sure he really cared.
Spencer sighed, his breath warm on Carlton’s neck. If Carlton smiled, well, nobody was around to see it.
***
The rest of the week passed in the same manner. They got up early to go fishing and then spent most of their day sitting outside on the porch. At night, Spencer curled himself around Carlton. Spencer didn’t have one nightmare on their vacation.
The point of the trip had been for Spencer to relax, but Carlton was surprised by how relaxed even he was by the end of the week.
He was also surprised by how easy it was to spend an entire week with just Spencer all of the time. He had been spending a lot of time alone with Spencer, but they were mostly together around other people, including Guster. This trip had just been the two of them alone and Carlton had enjoyed himself.
It felt like he and Spencer were actually friends. Carlton didn’t have friends though and Spencer didn’t really either. Not outside of Guster.
He was actually comfortable with Spencer though and Spencer was comfortable with him. What’s more was that Carlton actually liked Spencer, and he was pretty sure that Spencer liked him too. Maybe that was something he should have realized sooner considering Spencer had been sharing his bed for the past four months.
This trip had been different though. It was almost as if their relationship had somehow progressed on this trip. He didn’t know how and sure as hell didn’t know why, but Carlton was actually very okay with what had happened to their relationship.
*****
Not only was Spencer trying to broaden Carlton’s reading material, but he was doing the same with TV shows and movies as well. It was something that Spencer insisted on, actually.
Now Spencer was forcing him to watch some movie called Over the Hedge. Spencer was making him watch it because of Carlton’s vendetta against squirrels. He wanted to prove to Carlton that squirrels were not the evil creatures that Carlton seemed to think they were.
Spencer was curled up against him and Carlton had his arm around him. Ever since they had gone on vacation together they had spent more time like this. More often than not, Spencer spent his time in Carlton’s arms when they were relaxing on the couch and when they were in bed.
Carlton had to admit that the squirrel in the movie was actually kind of amusing, but what he enjoyed more was the sound of Spencer’s laughter. Spencer seemed genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, and Carlton really liked seeing that.
Carlton was relaxed. He felt good. He started running his fingers though Spencer’s hair and scratching his head. Spencer let out a sigh and pulled Carlton’s free arm to him. He shifted so that it was more comfortable and then tightened his grip around Spencer.
“How are you enjoying the movie?”
“It’s entertaining enough.”
“And Hammy?”
“That’s the squirrel, right?”
Spencer chuckled. “Yes, Lassie.”
“Well I don’t want to shoot him, so I guess that says something.”
Spencer laughed at that. Carlton could feel the vibrations in his chest. He stopped running his fingers through Spencer’s hair so he could wrap that arm around Spencer too and give him a good squeeze.
“Mm,” Spencer sighed before taking Carlton’s hand and putting it back on his head. Carlton snorted but resumed running his fingers through Spencer’s hair.
When the movie was over, neither of them moved. They didn’t put another movie on. They just sat on the couch together in silence, enjoying each other’s company.
It was a lazy Saturday for the two of them. It was raining outside and there had been a lull in the violent case loads. Between that and the vacation, it was no wonder that Spencer actually seemed to be having an easier time lately.
Spencer’s eyes had a little more life to them the past few days and he smiled a little more often. Spencer had been touching him even more since the vacation too, and had taken to hugging Carlton as well.
Spencer didn’t touch him at the station any more than he normally did because he knew better than that, but when they were in the privacy of their own home, Spencer was always surprising him with hugs.
Carlton knew that Spencer had always been a tactile person, but he had become even more so since their vacation. Carlton was pretty sure that Spencer was only that tactile with him.
“We should go pick up some food,” Spencer murmured.
“Are you sure you want to move?”
Spencer shrugged. “We’re going to have to move anyway.”
“Maybe, but do you want to go out into the rain?”
“Actually, I kind of do.”
Carlton let out a groan. “Fine. Call in the order and we’ll go pick it up.”
It wasn’t raining too badly out, at least. Spencer seemed to be enjoying himself. He even went in to pick up the food.
They brought the food home and ate on the couch in front of the television. Spencer curled up against him once more after they had finished dinner.
They fell asleep on the couch, television still on.
*****
He hadn’t meant it. He had said words in the heat of the moment and he was really regretting it now. That didn’t happen often.
He had left Spencer multiple text messages and voice mails but Spencer was ignoring him. He was probably long out of Santa Barbara by now. His luggage was gone and so was most of his stuff. He figured that Spencer would probably send Guster to grab the rest of his stuff at some point. Or maybe he didn’t care enough about the stuff to be bothered.
He collapsed onto the couch. He couldn’t sleep. Not after what had happened. He just wanted Spencer back and not mad at him, which was honestly something he never thought he would say.
He put on the TV but couldn’t tell you what was on. He didn’t know why this bothered him so much. He should be glad that Spencer was out of his hair now, and saying something like that was what essentially got them here now. Clearly he hadn’t meant it since he hated that Spencer was gone and hated that Spencer was mad at him, but more than that he hated that Spencer thought Carlton had meant it.
A gentle shaking woke him from his doze. “Spencer?” he asked through a yawn.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
Carlton got off the couch but didn’t move too close to Spencer. “You came back.”
“I got your messages.”
“I thought you were gone.”
Spencer shrugged, hands in his pocket. “I was gone.”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it. Maybe I would have months ago, but not anymore. I hope you know that. Please tell me you know that.”
Spencer shrugged again. Carlton had been married long enough to know that he was in the doghouse and probably would be for a while. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”
He led Spencer into the bedroom and got into bed while Spencer got ready for bed. He didn’t know what had made him compare this relationship to his marriage with Victoria. That was just ridiculous. They were friends. Carlton could admit that now, maybe only to himself, but he could admit it. That was all they were though. Sure they slept in the same bed, and sure since their vacation they spent most nights with Spencer curled around him, but that didn’t mean anything.
Spencer crawled under the covers but stayed on his side of the bed. Carlton closed the distance between the two of them and pulled Spencer into his arms. Spencer stiffened, but didn’t push away, and finally he relaxed into the embrace.
They would be okay. It might take some time, but they would be okay.
He tried not to think too much about how any of this was affecting him. That wasn’t something he wanted to examine too closely.
***
Carlton made sure he was the first one out of bed in the morning. He made breakfast for the two of them and brought it back to the bedroom so Spencer could have breakfast in bed.
“Lassie, you don’t have to do this. I told you I forgive you.”
“This isn’t about forgiveness. I hurt you and I never want to do that again. I said things that I didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. It was stupid. I don’t want you gone. I haven’t wanted you gone for a while now, even if I’ve had a hard time admitting that to myself.”
“There’s nothing wrong with admitting that we’re friends, Lassie. Sure some people at the station would probably be shocked, but it’s not the most outrageous notion out there.”
Carlton smiled at him. “No it’s not. And you are my friend. I want you to stay here. I want you to continue helping me solve cases.”
“Well apparently you can’t get rid of me that easily, Lassie.”
“Whatever made you decide to stay, I’m glad for it.”
“Me too, Lassie. Me too.”
*****
Carlton had become too used to spending all of his free time with Spencer. His weekends were no longer his own. Even when Spencer wanted to hang out with Guster they would spend their time here at the condo.
Today though, today Guster had managed to drag Spencer out of the condo and Carlton was facing an entire Saturday alone. He didn’t know what to do with himself. It had been so long since he had such a long stretch of time to himself.
He should get out of the condo. That was probably the best thing for him to do. It was too late to go fishing so he headed to the shooting range instead.
He spent a few hours there shooting targets. It relaxed him like it always did. He felt better once he was done, but he still had no idea how to fill the rest of his day.
So he went to lunch. He ate alone. It wasn’t exciting and it didn’t kill anywhere near enough time.
He went home to an empty condo. He hadn’t been expecting Spencer to be back this early anyway. He grabbed a book and spent the afternoon reading.
He ate dinner by himself and then went to bed early. His bed was too empty without Spencer lying in bed next to him.
He hadn’t been asleep for long when he felt Spencer slide into bed beside him. Warm arms wrapped around him and Carlton let out a sigh, sinking into Spencer’s embrace.
Neither of them said anything.
Carlton wondered when his relationship with Spencer had changed so drastically that he felt infinitely better when Spencer was in bed next to him, arms around him. When had it become necessary for a good night’s sleep to have Spencer in bed beside him? When had he ever had a hard time filling his recreational hours?
When had Spencer become the most important part of his life?
When had his relationship with Spencer become so confusing?