Work Text:
Empty beaches at night
Loneliness that settles into your core, aches, and burns with the truth of existence that you can’t fight off
The sinking realization that you will never be enough, for anyone, even yourself
Cold waves lapping @ your toes, your feet sinking into the wet sand, leaving you feeling dirty and uncomfortable
But nothing is more uncomfortable than understanding that no one loves, or care about you, enough to be there for you when you really need it
Turning your face to the night sky, dizzy in the starts, and bathed in silver moonlight
The moon, she stares at you, and meets your gaze with an unwavering tone, silently hoping that you can understand her promise of comfort, for she has no mouth to speak for you to understand
But how can you be comforted by something that you know is going to leave
It’s all temporary
I think I’d rather be alone than convince myself that someone cares about me when in the end, they all leave
I often feel like a chunk of driftwood that is sitting abandoned on the shore
Day and night, with no one to gently push me back to where I need to be
Alone and struggling, stuck in one place and unable to move
No matter how hard I try, no matter what I say or do, I am trapped in this moment, this existence of suffering and being unable to do anything about it
Being a spectator to all of the good things that happen to other people
Watching them come to the beach, day and night, splashing in waves, laughing, talking, enjoying their existence without realizing that I am right behind them
Please see me. Please help me. Please understand that I know that something is wrong with me, but I don’t know how to fix it, or if I ever could. Please know that I love your joy and I’m happy for you and your accomplishments, but don’t be offended if I can’t express my joy for you the same way that other people can. Please notice me. Please see me struggling. Please see my suffering and help me do something about it. Please don’t leave me here alone, unable to defend myself. Please, just please don’t leave.
They will, they always do.
No one ever stays long enough to understand me, or what I am going through.
They pass through my life, bragging about their accomplishments.
They step on me, jump over me, use me in any way they can in order to get to the water - to where their joy is.
I am a passing thought, something that people pity, but do not pity enough to do anything about it.
Very rarely, some people step forward, sit down next to me and make me feel less alone.
They whisper comforting words and promise they will stay, no matter what happens, through tsunamis, rainstorms, and everything else that could go bad.
It’s always just false promises and empty words.
Everyone takes a turn, a passing moment in my life to pretend that they are going to be there for me, to make themselves feel better about who they are as a person. They offer to fix me with no idea of where to begin. It isn’t like I’m not helping myself, but no matter what I do, nothing ever seems to be enough.
And as I watch them get up and stride their way to the beach and out of my life forever, I have to wonder what it is that I’ve done wrong, what exactly I did to deserve this
Why everyone eventually convinces themselves that I’m not worth it
Why I’m stuck, rooted in the same spot, doomed to watch everyone else continue on with their lives, and move into the future, while I’m stuck in the past, clinging to something that doesn’t exist except in my own twisted mind
Trying to convince myself that I have a purpose, while my entire pathetic life, I’ve sat on this beach, not changing, not growing, not being able to understand why my reality is the way that it is
I wish things could be different
I wish I weren’t the way that I am
I wish that I could be better
I wish that I could be more useful to other people because maybe then, I would get a sliver of more time with them, more time to convince them that I am worth it, I’m worth staying for, that I will do anything for them, whether they ask for it or not, I will beg and plead and be anything that they need me to be if it only means that they will stay and at least pretend to love me
But as I watch them leave again, I start to understand
That I’ve lost my faith in them just as much as I’ve lost my faith in myself