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Something's wrong. Even if Yudai didn't see it, he'd feel it, palpable and suffocating.
Taki's been having a hard day. On the flight over to Korea, he'd been fine, if a little subdued. Once they landed, his unease settled in, and now that they're practicing, he's much worse. His missteps are painfully obvious and he seems completely out of focus– Taki likes to play and is sometimes known to get a little out of hand, but this is serious. After fumbling one move a handful of times, Yudai hears him swear angrily under his breath and excuse himself to the hallway for a break. Yudai doesn't follow, though every fiber of his being is aching for him to, and lets Taki reset before they continue practice with him.
Home is another story. It’s been a while since they've stayed in their Korean dorms, so it takes two hours, give or take, for them to fully settle in. Once they've unpacked, some decide to go out and catch up with their local friends, while others prefer to hole up in their rooms while they've got the chance. Jo and Yuma stake their claim on the couch and happily declare they're ordering in; when he's invited, Yudai declines. He has more pressing matters to attend to.
The divided activities mean Taki miraculously gets his room all to himself. Yudai only knocks once before slowly cracking the door open and stepping inside. The lights are off, leaving Taki illuminated only by the glow of his phone. He’s laying on his side, curled up under his comforter. He doesn’t spare a single glance upward as Yudai enters and gently closes the door behind him.
“Hey,” Yudai breathes. He doesn’t get an answer, which he expects, but he climbs onto Taki's bed regardless and sits cross-legged at his feet. His hand settles firmly on one of Taki's legs and squeezes a little; he watches Taki's face for any sign of acknowledgement, but he gets nothing. The silence stretches on for what seems like ages. Yudai was going to wait for Taki to speak first, but that clearly isn't happening. He’s too absorbed in his phone.
“Taki,” he tries, then again, this time a little louder. “ Taki .”
“Mm.”
Yudai rubs up and down Taki's calf in a way he hopes is soothing. “I wanted to talk to you.” That gets a reaction out of Taki. He curls in on himself and brings his phone closer to his face. “... I don't really wanna talk right now.” His speech is muffled and a bit slurred, reminding Yudai of a sulking toddler. He smiles briefly and squeezes Taki's leg again. “Tell hyung what's wrong.”
Taki drops his phone and exhales through his nose. When he finally meets Yudai's gaze, it's obvious that he’s upset. With a quiet sigh, Yudai reaches out and grabs him by the shoulders. “C'mon, let’s sit up.” Taki hangs his head but does as he's told.
Yudai's been doing this for years , and yet it never fails to break his heart. He practically half-raised Taki– they've been through so much together, and every time Taki fell, Yudai was there to catch him and put him back on his feet– so seeing him all broken and disheartened makes Yudai's chest hurt. He watches with a deep ache behind his ribs as Taki sniffles and tries to hide his face.
“I'm just–” he starts tearfully, pausing to swallow around the lump in his throat– “I’m just really stressed out right now.”
Yudai hums in understanding and rubs circles over Taki's knee with his palm. “What's got you stressed all of a sudden? You've been managing so well.” Taki's head hangs a little lower. “I dunno.” It doesn’t sound convincing at all. Yudai nods, but doesn't say anything further, leaving room for Taki to elaborate. Thankfully, he does.
“I guess I just– I didn’t really get to de-stress before we had to leave and I keep messing things up and nothing’s going right and I– I don’t know what to do.”
The tears eventually catch up to him. Taki punctuates his rant with a pitiful sniffle. As he brings his hand up to wipe his eyes, Yudai reaches out and holds his thigh firmly, trapping him like he'll suddenly get embarrassed and run away. “Hey, it's okay,” he soothes. “Just relax.” Taki sniffles again and nods. “Sorry,” he croaks. “I don’t even really know what's wrong.”
Yudai frowns. “Well, what do you usually do to de-stress?”
Taki wasn’t really looking at Yudai in the first place, but now he seems very interested in the wall, and his fingers are busy picking at his cuticles. “It's… I don’t have it. It’s at home…”
“Oh.” Yudai pauses, considering the possibilities. “An object?” Taki nods. “It wasn’t your stuffed animal, was it? Because I'm pretty sure I saw it in your bag.”
“No, it's not him. I mean, he does help, but he’s not… y'know. I-I need something else.”
Yudai's not stupid– he's observant enough to see Taki dodging the obvious question. Whatever it is he needs, he's not keen on revealing exactly what it is, and it’d be wrong of Yudai to press. Instead, he tries to worm his way around it.
“Is it something I could, like… go out and get for you?” Taki's quick to shake his head. “No, it's okay. I'll be okay.”
Yudai's unsatisfied, but he relents. “... Okay.” The word is uncomfortable in his mouth, seeing how distressed Taki is. Still, he won't pry; that'll only make it worse, and he knows that well enough by now. He exhales through his nose and squeezes Taki's thigh. “Well, if there's anything –”
“Could you lay with me? Just for a little bit. Please.”
Yudai smiles, soft and fond. “Yeah! Yeah, of course.” Taki shifts back and forth– he's always been a little shy asking for affection when it's just the two of them, like Yudai doesn't already know how much of a lovebug he is– while Yudai uncrosses his legs and pushes himself further up the bed. He ends up on the outside, wrapped around Taki while he faces the wall. The moment Taki's head hits Yudai's arm, he deflates, a sigh escaping from his lips. Yudai slides his arm underneath Taki's and loops back to hold firmly onto his shoulder. He pulls him in tightly and presses his forehead between Taki's shoulder blades. He can feel the rise and fall of Taki's breathing just above his eyes; it feels good. Normal.
Taki slots his foot between Yudai's legs, tangling them together in a way that’s all too familiar. Everything about Taki is familiar now, after being together for so long. Yudai knows Taki inside-out. He knows this– the cuddling, the talking, the crying, the quiet affection he’s too embarrassed to admit he likes– is the way to his heart. He feels most like him when he's in Yudai's arms. It’s probably a bit selfish to keep him all to himself, but it’s not Yudai's fault; they just gravitate towards each other, and always have, like fate. Yudai was destined to be the one to take care of Taki, and vice versa. He's very lucky.
Just when he thinks Taki's breathing is about to level out, he sniffles and wiggles his foot. “... It wouldn't be, y'know… impossible for you to help me.”
Yudai hums sleepily and shifts his hand to rest over Taki's stomach. “What d'you mean?”
Taki draws in a sharp breath and Yudai can feel his shoulders tense up. “Actually, it's kinda embarrassing to say. I shouldn't have even brought it up.” Yudai rubs his palm over Taki's abdomen. “Don't be like that,” he chides. “I'm here to help you. I won't make fun of you or anything, I promise.” Taki makes a little uncomfortable noise in the back of his throat, but doesn't outright reject him.
“I…” Taki begins tentatively, “have some… stuff . At home. And you can't go out and like, get one, but you could… still help me? And maybe, like, uh… substitute ? For it?”
Yudai nods like he understands, but he really, really doesn’t. Could Taki be any more vague? He’s hardly giving Yudai anything to work off of. With a muffled sigh, he says, “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that.”
“Well, it's– they're– it's… toys. I-I don’t really know how else to put it.”
That piques Yudai's interest. Toys? He knows Taki likes stuffed animals and things of that nature, but he doesn't remember him ever having any toys . Maybe he's being dense here. Maybe there's some generation gap he doesn’t understand– it wouldn't be the first time, that's for sure. Uncertain, he presses on.
“You play with them?”
Taki shrinks in on himself a bit. He nods.
Something doesn’t feel quite right. Yudai's quieter when he asks, “What kind of toys are they?”
Taki's whole body is rigid. “They’re. Um. P-Phallic…?”
Yudai wants to laugh so badly . It's right there, just behind his teeth, waiting to be let out– but no, he'd promised Taki he wouldn't make fun of him. I mean, isn’t it kind of ridiculous to think Taki would own sex toys like that? And confess it to Yudai no less, who's pressed up against him in bed on the verge of sleep? He'd said toys , which is technically true, but what does he want Yudai to do about that? He was right, he definitely can't just go and buy one at this hour, but…
“I, um, just kind of– I just–”
“Hey, shh,” Yudai whispers. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“You’re not gonna… gross out on me, are you?”
“What? ‘Gross out' ? No, Taki. God no. I want to help you, if I can, but you're all strung up. Calm down first.”
Taki sighs and untenses; Yudai's soft tone must’ve been convincing enough. It feels good to have his full weight against him again. “Sorry,” he exhales shakily. “This is just a weird thing to talk about.” Yudai chuckles a little and presses his nose into Taki's spine. “I know,” he reassures. “But if we're gonna talk about it, you should go at your own pace. I'm here to listen.”
He nods against Yudai's arm and audibly swallows. “Well,” he starts, “it's not, like, an inherently sexual thing for me, I guess? The whole… y'know. All that .”
Yudai can’t stop himself. He laughs a little. Strangely enough, he feels Taki relax even more.
“It’s just kind of nice, I think. Like taking a hot bath or something.”
“Wouldn't you rather take a hot bath?” Yudai teases. Taki scoffs and elbows him in the ribs. “I'm being serious here,” he snaps back with a grin. “When am I ever gonna take a bath at home? That's almost impossible.”
Yudai smooths his hand over Taki's tummy; the roughness of his t-shirt feels good on his palm. “If you'd asked, I would've cleared a schedule for you. Made a bath chart or something. You'd get to shower and bathe first– I'd make all the hyungs go last.”
Taki laughs and it feels good, the pleasant rumbling that spreads from his back to Yudai's chest. “If we did it like that, wouldn't Maki go first?”
“No, you first. Maki second, if he’s been good.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “You’re… a good mom, Kei. It's nice knowing you'd look out for me and my… bath needs? ” He snorts.
Yudai feels warm. He knows Taki's just teasing, but the reassurance that he's been a good guardian for him makes his heart feel all fuzzy and nice. It’s his job to look after everyone, but Taki especially is his sole priority. After everything, they still have each other– what kind of friend would he be if he didn't take care of him? What kind of brother?
… Okay, maybe brother isn't the right path to go at the moment. Not if Taki's insinuating what he thinks he’s insinuating. He very well may not be! But Yudai has a feeling, the teensy-tiniest little inkling, that Taki's next few sentences will include a proposal of some sort.
“So, it's just something kinda nice for you to do, yeah?”
Taki nods.
“Okay… and you– not to be so blunt, but what exactly do you want me to do about that?”
Taki's whole body goes rigid. Yudai can practically hear the gears turning in his head, trying desperately to figure out a way to word what it is he wants to say. He can feel Taki's chest swell, then hold. After a few beats, he forces the air out and shrugs.
“I dunno. Forget it.”
Yudai sighs. “Taki,” he scolds softly, but Taki just brings his knees up and shakes his head. Yudai purses his lips and grabs Taki's waist as leverage to push himself upward. He tries to get a good look at his face, but it’s too dark. He hates to imagine how distraught he must look.
“Just tell me,” he coaxes. “As soon as I know what you want me to do, the sooner we can figure it out.” Taki grumbles and hunches his shoulders and Yudai has to fight a smile– he's like a baby, all grumpy and defiant. All Yudai can do is push and push until Taki relents.
It takes Yudai pulling Taki in flush against his chest and squeezing him in a near-suffocating hug for him to give in. “Fine!” He barks as Yudai wraps around him like a boa constrictor. Yudai can feel the sweltering heat rolling off his body as he swallows his pride and welcomes his humiliation.
“I just– I mean… you know what I'm gonna ask, right?” Taki's laugh is nervous and dry. “It’s kind of… weird, but God, I'm losing my fucking mind over here. I feel like I might die without it.”
Yudai subconsciously holds Taki a little tighter. It's really this serious for him? Yudai's more than familiar with what stress can do to a person, but his coping mechanisms have always been close and easy. Taki is an ocean away from his– all he has now is Yudai. Taki can't break, not when Yudai's right here.
Yudai presses his cheek to Taki's back and nuzzles into the loose fabric of his t-shirt. “Don’t die on me,” he teases. Taki's body jolts in a feeble laugh. He doesn’t respond, though, so Yudai continues. “Talk to me, Taki. Like an adult, because we both are. I won't do anything unless you explicitly tell me exactly what you want from me.”
He’s worn him down enough at this point. Taki just lets out a heavy sigh and cranes his neck to look at the wall. “I know.”
Silence.
Yudai can hear Taki open and close his mouth a few times. Eventually, he manages to produce sound.
“I… I want you to… be inside me. N-Not like, sex or anything, but just, y'know, inside– ”
Yudai stops listening. He thought it might come to this, and honestly… he’d kinda wished it wouldn't. He would do anything for Taki, really, but this crosses a line they've never even been close to. It makes his chest feel hollow and his stomach feel heavy. It's wrong , isn’t it? It’s wrong for Taki to ask, and it'd be wrong for Yudai to accept. What's even more devastating, though, is having to leave Taki to wallow in his own misery until he self-destructs. He can’t do that, can he? But doing whatever it is Taki's suggesting isn’t much better, surely…? The nine of them all have such a delicate balance; it wouldn't be fair of them to disrupt it. As he tunes back into Taki's rambling, he can hear the slight tremor in his voice. He’s tense and withdrawn, something he should never be when in Yudai's arms.
“... I don't know.” Yudai interrupts Taki's spiral, bringing it to an abrupt halt.
“B-But you said–”
“I know. I want to help you, but this is… isn’t it too much?”
“It’s not enough . I feel like I'm burning alive right now, Kei. Seriously.”
Yudai can feel it, too. Taki’s all hot and sweaty. Yudai tries to pull away, but Taki whimpers and catches him by the arm. “ No ,” he pleads. “You– having you– this is too good. I'll sweat through the sheets before I let you leave.” He's trembling. As warm as he is, Yudai shushes him and ignores the heat. “Sorry,” he murmurs. “I'm here.”
Taki's sigh is wobbly and relieved. They stay quiet for a while; Taki seems happy to return to discomfort. Yudai wishes he could do something, anything , that doesn't require sexual (or non-sexual? He isn't sure) favors or being so hot he’s worried he might faint. Unfortunately, he'd rather die than leave Taki to deal with this alone.
Taki breaks the silence first. “Hyung, please ,” he begs. “You– You said you would.”
“I did not.”
“You did. You said you'd help me.” He’s on the verge of tears again, Yudai can hear it. With a long, drawn out breath, Yudai lets go of Taki and sits up on the bed. Taki follows him, but doesn't push the blankets off like Yudai does. Even in the dimmest of light, Yudai can see the sheen of sweat on Taki's cheeks. He’s not feverish, is he? Yudai reaches up to push back some wet hair that'd stuck to Taki's forehead. No, he's not feverish– he could tell by the feeling on his fingers– just distressed. Kind of pitiful, now that he thinks about it. He does pity him.
“This is a bad idea.” Yudai doesn't sugarcoat it. Unfortunately, Taki already knows. He seems to have lost most of his shame, now consumed with the overwhelming need to feel better as soon as possible. He grips Yudai's leg so hard it almost hurts. “It’s not a great idea, but I don’t know what else to do. Nothing's working, I tried, I did , but I can’t do anything.” He swallows hard and mercilessly deals the final blow. “You’re the only one I can ask. I can’t go to anyone else about this.”
Oh.
Oh, Yudai's so fucked.
He's so weak. Seeing Taki with the faintest glimmer of tears in his eyes, practically begging for help from the only person who can give it to him, is enough to break any man. It’s just enough to shatter any resolve Yudai had left. It's embarrassing to be this weak, but it’s Taki – he’s always been weak to him.
The silence is heavy, only interrupted by the occasional sniffle.
There’s a lot to think about. Much to Yudai's dismay, he doesn’t have the time. As thoughts race by in his mind, he comes to one conclusion he knows is a fact: he has to do this.
“... Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it.”
Taki looks at Yudai like he’s speaking in tongues. “R-Really? Don't mess with me.” Yudai runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “I wouldn’t mess with you about something like this. I'll do it, but we need to talk about some stuff first.”
Taki's tears dry almost instantly, like the shock blew them right off his face. “Okay,” he agrees, wiping his cheeks and settling into a cross-legged position. Yudai mirrors him and leans forward on his elbows.
“You promise this will be okay for you?” Taki nods and picks at the hem of his shirt. “Yeah. I thought about it a lot before I told you.” Yudai cocks his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he leans back and places his hands on his thighs. “Okay. What about… lube? Condoms?”
“...”
The look on Taki's face would normally make Yudai laugh, but the situation is much too heavy now. He looks aghast, like he'd just remembered something terrible. Yudai sighs heavily and his shoulders slump in defeat. “We can't do anything without them.” It’s obvious, but Taki looks scandalized. “I-I have lube! Maybe not really enough , but I do have some!” Yudai shakes his head and rubs Taki's knee sympathetically. “No, we're not doing that.”
Taki scoots closer. “Well, then, could you, like, go to the store or something? And get them?” Yudai averts his gaze. It’s… cold outside. And dark. And kind of wet. And he was ready to fall asleep less than twenty minutes ago. It's not like he can say no , though, because he already told Taki he'd go out and get whatever he needed to help. The Yudai who'd offered that twenty-ish minutes ago was an idiot. He severely underestimated this whole situation.
Taki must sense his reluctance, because he's very quick to rise to his knees and all but fall in front of Yudai. “I'll give you the money for them. I seriously will.” Yudai pushes Taki back a little– he may have agreed to put his dick in him, but he still values his personal space– and does a poor job at concealing his frown. “No, don't. I just… It's late. Is this really so important to you? To do this now, with me?”
Yudai thinks Taki might actually explode. He’s red and warm to the touch and strung so tightly he could snap at any second. He grabs both of Yudai's knees and squeezes hard. “I would do anything ,” he breathes. “Hyung, please. Please .”
Maybe he's a terrible person, but Yudai can’t help the way his heart sings at Taki's desperation. Taki wants him . He wants Yudai to help him, to take care of him, more than anyone else. He could've very easily gone to Fuma or Euijoo; they would've been happy to help the best they can. Would they go this far, though? No. Never , because it's Yudai who Taki wants. He's the one who knows him inside and out, he's the one who protects him like he has for years now. He’s Taki's number one.
It feels good to be trusted so much; Taki relies so heavily on him. He has full confidence in Yudai's ability to make things better. How can he turn him down now?
Yudai crawls backwards off of the bed and gets to his feet. Taki watches, wide-eyed and apprehensive, as Yudai straightens his clothes. “I'll go,” he announces, “but just this once, okay?”
Taki scrambles to the edge of the bed. “Y-Yeah! Yeah, just this once. Thank you, Kei-hyung. Thank you. You sure I can’t pay?”
Yudai huffs out a little laugh. “Super sure. You just stay here and relax. Maybe take a shower real quick? I shouldn't be more than fifteen minutes.” Taki nods so aggressively, it completely ruins any semblance of composure he had. His hair is a mess. Yudai smiles and messes it up even more.
Taki's gaze doesn’t leave him until he steps out into the hallway and closes the door behind him. He’s quiet as he pads towards the front door, but he’s stopped by the sight of Jo and Yuma. They both turn their attention away from whatever's playing on the TV and stare at Yudai like they've never seen him before in their life.
Yudai only allows himself a split-second of panic before he settles into a calm, put-together act. “Still up?” He asks casually as he shoves his feet into his still-tied shoes. Yuma makes a little noise of affirmation and leans half of his body over the arm of the couch. “Where are you going?”
“The store.” That’s not a lie, technically, but the next part is. “Taki's not feeling too well. I'm gonna get him some snacks and stuff.” Yuma nods and spares a glance towards Taki's room. “Okay. Well, tell him I hope he feels better.” Yudai nods and gives him a curt smile. Was his jacket always this hard to put on?
He hardly hears the next thing, but Jo's always so damn quiet. “Could you get me something sweet?”
“Like what?”
“Anything.”
Real specific , Yudai muses. Another request certainly isn't helping anything, but it gives him another item to hide the condoms with.
… I'm an adult. Why am I afraid of people seeing me with condoms?
Yudai's quick to get out of there. He feels like a teenager again; it’s nostalgic to go out in the middle of the night and pretend the box of condoms and the bottle of lube he's about to buy have nothing to do with him at all. The things he'll do for Taki.
At least it isn't raining anymore. The air is damp and the ground is littered with puddles, but it could be worse. The thing he dreads most is the wind; it carries the bitter cold from the recent storm and whips it over his cheeks and nose. He keeps his shoulders hunched and pace brisk as he takes the half-mile walk to the nearest convenience store.
With the unpleasant weather to distract him, Yudai had no time to let the gravity of the situation settle in. Now, though, as he stands in front of a humiliating display of sex paraphernalia, it hits him like a truck.
Is this happening? He ponders as he reaches for the standard-size condoms. He turns the box over in his hand and narrows his eyes. He puts it back and grabs the large ones instead. I feel like I could've hallucinated the whole thing. The stuff Taki says is weird as-is, albeit in a way that’s normal for him – but this ? This isn’t normal. Is that so bad, though? God, I hope he's showering. What if I end up hurting him? I should've been more careful. This is a terrible idea. I have to do it. He goes back and forth between a travel-size bottle of lube and one a bit bigger. He opts for the bigger one– it'll be used eventually, anyways. On the way to the counter, he grabs a bag of chips he knows Taki likes and a sweet pastry for Jo. With his cover story sufficiently taken care of, he checks out. It's hard to be quiet and inconspicuous when you're as extroverted and larger-than-life as Yudai is, but he manages to keep his voice down and face hidden for the sake of his pride and professional life as an idol.
The walk back is slower and a bit more relaxed. He is not stalling, because that's stupid , he just– it would be kind of awkward to get back while Taki's still in the shower, wouldn't it? He'd have to sit and wait and actually contemplate the things he's about to do. At least out here, he has things to distract him, like the offensive temperature and dirty street water that seeps into his sneakers when he accidentally walks straight into a puddle. After that, he picks up the pace, but only because his toes are on the verge of being frostbitten.
The plastic bag in his hand feels unusually heavy as he fumbles with his keys. It takes three attempts before he finally manages to get it in the keyhole and unlock the door. He hears Yuma cheer before he even steps foot inside– Jo wouldn't, even though he's the one who asked for something, and what Jo doesn't do, Yuma does. Yudai kicks his shoes off as fast as possible and eagerly discards his soaking wet sock. It falls to the floor with a gross waterlogged thud.
“You’re slow,” Yuma chides, though Yudai isn’t sure if he’s referring to him or Jo, who's currently lagging pretty far behind in the game they switched to while he was away. As Yudai steps further into the room, Jo's gaze flickers anxiously between the bag in Yudai's hand and the screen. “Thank you,” he says with a sincerity that makes everything Yudai went through feel worth it. “Could you just leave it on the table?” Yuma whoops at something happening on screen and nearly knocks Jo's controller out of his hand– Yudai ducks so he isn't obscuring their view and places the pastry on the table in front of them.
His heart nearly flies out of his mouth as Yuma leans in closer and prods the bag with his finger. “What else you got?” Yudai snatches the bag away and narrows his eyes. “Nothing for you ,” he scolds. “I told you I was getting something for Taki.” The way Yuma cocks his eyebrow is subtle, but Yudai feels it like he’s being held under a microscope, scrutinized and dissected. Neither of them say anything for a beat and the silence hangs heavy in the air.
“You got the spicy ones.”
“... Huh?”
Yuma nods at his hand. “You got the spicy ones. I can see the label through the bag.”
Yudai blinks. He brings the bag up to his face and, sure enough, the label is wrong. “Oh, fuck! Are you kidding me?!” Yuma snickers and turns his attention back to the TV, leaving Yudai feeling unexpectedly defeated. He was too focused on getting what he needed and getting out of there. No one else even likes this kind of snack, to his knowledge, especially not the spicy ones. What's he supposed to do with them? Yudai chews on the inside of his cheek, trying to come up with a solution, but ultimately drops the whole thing altogether. It's not even what he really went out for, anyway. He won't get upset over it. It’s fine.
He trudges away feeling much more dejected than he’d like to admit. Now he has to deal with Taki, too, and navigating the cringey, awkward mess he'll surely be thrust into. He stops in front of his door, suddenly feeling very tired. He won't be, once he’s got Taki in front of him, but just for now, he lets exhaustion weigh down on his shoulders.
A big breath in, a big breath out. Yudai pulls his shoulders up and straightens his posture. He knocks once, softly, before entering.
Immediately upon stepping into the room, the tension he'd built up melts away. It's… normal. He’s not sure what he was expecting, but this is good. It's dark, just like he left it, and the shirt Taki was wearing before he left is thrown on the floor. Taki’s lying on his stomach on the bed, facing away from the door, in a fresh set of clothes. He seems pretty occupied by his phone, so as Yudai enters, he announces himself playfully.
“Mama's home,” he calls. Taki doesn't look up quite yet, just laughs and kicks his leg a little. “It’s weird hearing you refer to yourself as my mom.” Yudai smiles– this feels good, normal , just like it always is. “You called me your mom earlier,” he counters as he walks across the room and places the plastic bag on an unoccupied bed. He can hear Taki push himself up and shift around on the all-too-loud mattress. When he turns back, Taki's sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks happy, albeit still wet from his shower. His hair still has little droplets of water hanging from it.
Yudai huffs out a little laugh through his nose. “Couldn't dry off properly?” Taki grins and shrugs. “I have bigger issues right now.” Yudai raises his eyebrows and nods mockingly. “ Yeah , okay.”
“What all did you get?”
Yudai spares a glance back at the plastic bag. “Just, y'know. The stuff you asked me for. Oh, and also these… stupid chips. They were gonna be for you, but I got the wrong ones.” He grabs the offensive bag of spicy snacks and dismissively hands it to Taki like some sort of shitty peace offering. Taki turns it over in his hands like he’s really interested in reading the label. “No, this is… that's nice, hyung. I won't eat them, but it’s nice.” Yudai snorts and turns around.
He pulls the lube and condoms out of the bag and suddenly everything feels a bit heavier. Not bad, necessarily, just different. When he returns his attention to Taki, he looks a bit different, too. A little more smug, like he has some smart-ass thing he wants to say, but his fingers are fidgeting with the seams of his blanket. Yudai takes a step or two closer and tosses the items on the bed next to Taki. He spares them a glance, but only a small one before his gaze is brought back to Yudai.
“So…” He begins, trailing off as Yudai takes another step. Taki really has to crane his head to look at him now. He’s grown up so much , and it’s especially apparent in the way the light from outside clings onto the valleys and ridges in Taki's face. He looks about how Yudai had expected him too, all strong and pretty. No makeup, no styling, just him , completely bare and waiting. He must be cold, as damp and exposed as he is. His t-shirt is paper thin and his shorts barely reach mid-thigh. The towel around his neck probably isn't helping, either.
Yudai laughs in his throat and takes the towel between his fingers. “Let’s get rid of this, first,” he murmurs with a teasing lilt. He pulls it off Taki's shoulders and tosses it where Taki had piled up his clothes from earlier. Now, he can see the deep shadow of his collarbones dip right below the collar of his shirt. That's pretty, too.
If only Taki could see himself now. Does he know, Yudai wonders, just exactly how he looks in this moment? Has he ever seen his eyes when they catch just the right amount of light? They sparkle, just like now, as if he’s watching Yudai hang the stars for him one by one. He looks drunk and scared and exhilarated. His eyelids are heavy, but he’s never looked more awake. A newfound surge of confidence washes over Yudai. It's obvious Taki's comfortable; he wants this, seriously.
Taki has to blink himself out of his stupor. He shifts his weight back and forth and fights to maintain eye contact. “What now?” He asks, smiling lazily. Yudai mirrors his expression and lets his head fall against his shoulder. “You could lie down, for one.” Taki grins and scrambles into place so quickly, Yudai worries he might hit his head on the wall. He makes it in one piece, though, and props himself up against the pillows resting on the headboard.
He makes it seem like he’s nothing but eager, but as Yudai climbs onto the bed knee-first, he can see Taki’s facade begin to falter. If he had a tail, it’d be wagging, but his ears would be pinned flush against his head. He can smile and open his legs and pretend, but Yudai can see the anxiety swimming behind his eyes.
Yudai settles right between Taki’s knees. It’s not an unusual place for him to be, honestly, but the context is nothing but unfamiliar. He’s more than acquainted with what Taki looks like on his back, knees apart and hair fanning around his face like a dark halo. His shirt exposes the waistband of his shorts and Yudai forces himself not to look for too long. Normally, this is when he’d reach down and poke and prod every sensitive spot on Taki’s torso he could find. He’d fight against his shoulders as they battled in a childish display of strength. Yudai would win and Taki would relent, breathless, and it’d be done. Now, Yudai studies the pink complexion of his groupmate and wonders if he’ll give in this time, too.
“You washed off in the shower, right?” Taki nods. “Oh, yeah. Really good. I made sure to… yeah.” His ears quickly match the shade blossoming on his cheeks. Yudai makes a little sound of acknowledgement, but doesn’t say anything. What can he say? He’s never done something like this with someone like Taki . They lock eyes in an awkward stalemate. Taki takes in a deep, shuddering breath, and with his exhale, slips his thumbs underneath his waistband. “Should I–?” Yudai nods and averts his gaze. “Yes. Yeah.”
His shorts come off with practiced ease. Once they reach his knees, Yudai leans back and helps work them over his ankles. They’re thrown to the floor, leaving Taki a little more exposed than before. Yudai’s seen Taki in his boxers a million times over, but he’s never gotten to appreciate it. They hug his thighs so tightly and Yudai has to wonder if he chose a tighter-fitting pair on purpose– the thought of Taki wearing something like this every day does terrible things to his mental health.
Yudai's fingers just barely ghost over the bare skin of Taki's thigh and it has him full-body shivering. He can practically feel Taki's heart thundering in his chest like it's behind his own ribs, hard and heavy. He switches from fingertips to his full palm. It rests over the expanse of Taki's thigh, admiring it before moving to his knee instead. Taki sighs and they lock eyes again– he looks completely winded, like someone knocked the air out of him.
“These, too,” Yudai whispers, pointing to Taki's boxers. Taki visibly gulps and nods. He reaches for his waistband and as Yudai's gaze follows his movement, his stomach comes to life with fluttering butterflies. He’s already half-hard from just a little skinship and verbal direction. He did say he was strung pretty tight; Yudai almost finds it impressive how easy he is to rile up. As Taki pushes his boxers down, the elastic waistband catches on the head of his dick before finally snapping down with the rest of the fabric.
Yudai takes it upon himself to help Taki get rid of his boxers, too, and slides them down his legs without a word. They're both trying so hard to keep their composure– it's painfully obvious that they're controlling their facial expressions and keeping any unnecessary movement to a minimum just to show how unaffected they are. Yudai won't say anything because this isn’t a big deal; Taki keeps his mouth shut because there isn't anything to say.
Making sure his gaze stays up and away from Taki's bottom half is harder than Yudai thought it would be– he can’t help that he’s gay as hell with a pretty boy half-naked beneath him. He allows himself two quick glances before getting back on track; not that looking at Taki's face is much better, either, when he's so flushed and nervous and watching Yudai with big, sparkly eyes. Yudai purses his lips and gestures vaguely behind Taki, ready to get this show on the road. He can’t just sit here and look at him any longer. Taki furrows his brows at him before catching on to what he wants. He reaches behind him and pats around on the bed until he finds the bottle he's looking for. With an amused glint in his eye, he hands it to Yudai.
“How much were you planning on using?” He teases quietly. The tension lowers as Yudai smiles and takes the lube from him. “You’re gonna slam me for being prepared? You're the one who needed it in the first place.” Taki shrugs and juts his lip out in a “ fair enough ” kind of way. Yudai grins and shakes his head. He takes this moment of broken ice to twist the top off the bottle, pick the safety seal off with his fingernails and replace the cap. He immediately goes to pour some onto his fingers– muscle memory, he supposes– before quickly backtracking and freezing in place.
This isn’t the sex he’s used to. Hell, would Taki even consider this sex? It’s not Yudai's job to kiss Taki or touch him or finger him open like he’s used to. With his previous partners, the one and only goal was to chase pleasure; here, though, with Taki so pitiful and miserable and pent-up beneath him, he has a much greater task at hand. He has to make sure he's comfortable and relaxed, and he won't do that by assuming full control of the situation. Gently, he wraps his fingers around one of Taki's wrists and guides his hand down. “You should do it,” he whispers.
Taki wiggles a bit. “I-I did already. In the shower.” Yudai clicks his tongue and pulls a little harder. “You know you have to do more than that. It won't be the same.” Taki deflates and pouts just a little. It takes a few beats of silent tugging for Taki to fully give in and turn his palm to Yudai. Yudai sighs appreciatively through his nose and shakes the bottle of lube a couple times before squeezing a generous amount onto Taki's fingers. He uses his thumb to spread the liquid over three of his fingers and make the temperature a little more tolerable.
He's shy, now, as he reaches between his legs and smears the cool lube over his hole. He shivers, presumably at the wet, cold sensation, and Yudai finds it entertaining. This is… weird. Obviously, this whole thing is weird, but it’s still Taki . He’s making the same face he does when he eats something with a weird texture. Yudai's seen him in this shirt a million times before. It’s been ages since they've stayed in these dorms, but his bed still smells like him. It’s not easy to remove yourself from the awkward intimacy of a situation like this, but somehow, Yudai finds himself doing it. It doesn’t matter what Taki's doing– what matters to Yudai right now is that he’s making such a cute face it makes his chest ache, just like he always does. It’s just his Taki, his baby.
“You could've warmed it up a little more.” He knows he's being obnoxious just to pick on Taki, but the grin it produces is worth interrupting the heavy silence. “Shut up!” He protests weakly, his words ending on a whine. Yudai laughs and cocks his head. “You sure you do this often?” Taki rolls his eyes and, as if proving him wrong, slides a finger in with little-to-no resistance. “‘m just rushing,” he mumbles as he shifts around, trying to get comfortable. Taki's legs are still together, evidence of his bashfulness, but Yudai doesn't pry. He rests his arm on one of his knees and leans against it– if that subtle change in weight causes Taki's legs to part just a tad, then Yudai certainly won't complain.
He tries not to watch, but it’s hard when that's the only thing happening. He knows Taki adds a second finger because his mouth falls open and the muscles in his leg tense; after that, he has to look, just to make sure. His line of sight is less than perfect, but he can still make out the dark silhouette of Taki's fingers pushing inside him, as well as the pretty reflection of light gleaming off of his wet hand. He wants to say something, give him praise or guide his pistoning fingers in various angles, but that's too much. He’s too used to being a puppeteer– controlling, directing, commandeering– and now that he’s just here to fix a problem, not pull an orgasm out of someone, he’s not sure what to do. He settles on tracing shapes into Taki's knee with his thumb.
Taki slows his movements and lets out a big breath. “How many do you think I need?”
Yudai hums and averts his gaze to the steady rise and fall of Taki's chest. “Definitely three. Maybe four, if–”
“Fuck, really ?” Taki interrupts with a groan. His head falls against his pillow with a thud and for some reason, Yudai feels guilty. “Is that too much?” He asks quietly. Taki shakes his head and cranes his neck to look at the wall. “No! No, it's just kinda hard for me to– I'm tired and I can’t really reach but I don’t wanna, like… ask you to do anything else for me…”
Yudai laughs through his nose and pats around until his hand finds the bottle of lube. “Why are you worried about that now?” He asks with a humored lilt. Taki pushes himself up on his elbow, fingers still buried inside, and watches anxiously as Yudai covers two of his fingers in lubricant. “You’re already doing so much,” he protests weakly. “It feels like I’m taking advantage of you.” Taki laughs, but it’s nervous and thin. Yudai shuffles forward on his legs and uses his dry hand to gently pry Taki’s legs apart. He can tell he’s still caught-off-guard and hesitant, so when he goes to pull his own fingers out, Yudai keeps them in place with a push against the back of his hand, allowing him to retain some degree of control.
He slides his middle finger in next to Taki’s and the reaction is instantaneous. His elbow crumbles underneath the weight of his trembling body and he falls back down to the bed, shivering and desperately trying not to make any noise. Yudai feels proud in a weird, twisted way. He knows this is helping. He knows this is what Taki needed and he knows he’s feeling it just how he needs to and it’s him that’s doing it. He pulls out and pushes back in and Taki lets out a low, deep breath. “Okay?” Yudai asks, but he already knows the answer. Taki bites the inside of his cheek and nods. “Just not used to it,” he admits. “I usually just go– go straight in with the toy after two.” He inhales sharply as Yudai swipes his index finger over his rim. “How big are they?” Taki closes his eyes and huffs in amusement. “Too big to go in after two.”
Yudai finds himself grinning. “That’s bad,” he chides, but there’s only the tiniest hint of genuine reproach in his voice. Taki’s head falls to the side and he smiles, breathless. “Don’t chastise me. There’s never enough time to go slow.” Yudai hums and nods sympathetically– slowly, he eases another fingertip past the ring of muscle. “We’ve got time now.”
Taki’s mouth falls open and before Yudai can really move, he pulls both his fingers out and wraps them around Yudai’s wrist instead. “W-Wait,” he gasps. Yudai’s eyes widen and he immediately goes to pull out; Taki holds him still before he can. “I’m ready. Let’s just do this, please,” he pants. Yudai’s shoulders untense and he nods. “Okay, okay. Sorry for dragging this out for so long.”
Taki shakes his head and draws his knees together as Yudai gently removes his digits. His entire body deflates against the mattress, trembling and warm. Before Yudai can stand to shed himself of his clothes, though, Taki reaches between his legs until his hand finds purchase in Yudai’s sweats. “Let me.”
“Let you what?” Yudai asks, amused.
“Help. Like, take them off or get you hard or something –”
Yudai wrings Taki’s hand away from the fabric and returns it to his side. “... You don’t have to worry about that,” he assures, uncharacteristically bashful. Taki watches with dark, blown eyes as Yudai climbs backwards off the bed and gets to his feet. He swallows and glances between Taki and the wall. He has no right to be shy now, not after everything he’s seen of Taki, but he never really considered what it’d be like to undress in front of him. With a shuddering sigh, he slips his thumbs under the waistband of both his sweats and underwear and shoves them down together swiftly and unceremoniously.
He’s fully hard, as expected. He hadn’t even noticed until Taki got a hold of him; the rush that went through his body at just that simple touch was quick to remind him of his own growing arousal. He steps out of one leg and pulls the other off his ankle. His shirt stays on– he has to hold on to some of his decency– but he’s bare from the waist down.
Yudai’s more than aware that Taki’s staring. He’s doing a terrible job at hiding it. Yudai meets his gaze and it’s like he suddenly remembers the person in front of him is real , living and breathing and standing in his room. His eyes widen and his face flushes even darker, seeping down far past the collar of his shirt. He turns his head to face the wall, but his ears are painfully red. Yudai suppresses a teasing laugh and crawls back between Taki’s legs, right where he’s meant to be.
Taki’s at full mast now (predictably) and leaking enough for Yudai to wonder if he was touching himself while he undressed. His hair is neatly trimmed, too; how long has he been doing that for? Maybe it’s weird to be looking this closely at his dick, but it would be nothing short of hypocritical for Taki to complain. Yudai wants to touch, just to see how Taki would react, but he knows he shouldn’t. He won’t , because seeing Taki keep up his “no sex” schtick will be much more interesting.
Yudai wastes no time tearing into the box of condoms and rolling one on with practiced ease. Admittedly, it’s been a while, but the feeling of lubricating himself through a layer of latex feels familiar and exciting. He uses a bit more lube than he usually would– he can assume, at this point, that Taki prefers a little bit of challenge when it comes to penetration, but he doesn’t want to hurt him. God, he can’t even imagine it, hurting his Taki. Even if he asked, he isn’t sure he could stomach it.
Thankfully, he doesn’t say a word as Yudai lines himself up. “Let me know when you’re ready,” he whispers, soft and sweet. Taki squirms and grabs a fistful of the pillow under his head. “If you don’t hurry up, I might seriously start crying.” Yudai chuckles a little and Taki mirrors it. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
Yudai uses his right hand to line himself up and his left comes to rest right next to Taki’s head. He’s hovering over him now, giving him a beautiful view of his half-obscured face. He swallows the saliva that had pooled in his mouth and leans down to Taki’s ear. “This isn’t sexual, so I’m not gonna touch you, okay? You’ll have to deal with the pain on your own.” Taki’s breath comes out in a hot puff right on Yudai’s ear. “Fuck. Yeah, I know. I got it.” Yudai can feel his hand frantically fight between their bodies and grip his weeping cock. Smiling to himself, Yudai finally starts pushing in.
He’s immediately met with resistance. Taki’s tense, too tense to welcome anything. Yudai clicks his tongue and rests his nose on the shell of Taki’s ear. “ Relax, ” he coaxes. Taki makes a petulant little noise in the back of his throat. “C’mon. Touch yourself, it’ll help.” He’s hesitant at first, but Taki does eventually begin moving his hand between them. Yudai’s able to push in a bit more and Taki’s attempts to make absolutely zero noise fail over and over again. It’s nothing crazy, not nearly enough for Yudai to worry about being heard, but it’s an unspoken verification that he’s doing something right.
Unfortunately, Yudai’s only able to make it about halfway in before he has to stop again. “Taki,” he sighs. The reply he gets sounds less like words and more like a kicked puppy. Yudai keeps any sign of frustration pushed as far back as possible and peels himself from Taki’s front. He kneels between his legs, his hands wrapped around each thigh for leverage. He tries again, this time with his eyes trained directly on the problem. Taki makes an unpleasant little sound in the back of his throat; Yudai has a feeling he knows what’s about to happen.
Yudai sighs again and rethinks his options, but he can’t come up with anything better. Brows furrowed and cheek bitten, he delivers the bad news. “I can’t,” he confesses. Taki’s muscles constrict around him and it makes his entire body shudder. Taki whimpers, “No.” Yudai feels bad, he does, and he wants this to work, but it just doesn’t seem physically possible. He dips his head and tightens his grip on Taki’s thighs. “This isn’t gonna work.” Gently, he begins pulling out.
Taki’s legs shoot up the moment he feels Yudai pulling away. He cages him between his knees and grabs both of his arms like they’re his only lifeline. “No, no, please,” he begs, sounding almost delirious. He manages to hook his ankles behind Yudai’s back– Yudai does his best to fight against Taki’s pleading, pushing against his legs and feeling himself slip out another centimeter, but Taki is relentless. “Please,” he cries, “please, no, Mama, please–”
…
… Yudai heard that right, didn’t he? It’s unmistakable. Even through his senseless begging, he’s almost certain Taki said what he thinks he said. Fuck , is that how he feels? Is that what this is for him? He likes that? Of course he does, he realizes. He’s done nothing but play into it the whole time I’ve been here. He said it earlier, and I encouraged it. Yudai’s stomach flips and he insists it’s because of guilt and nothing else.
Taki’s stopped talking now. It’s dark, but with his adjusted eyes, Yudai can clearly make out his arms covering his face– behind them, his eyes are glossy and wet. His heart breaks just a little more. “Hey,” he whispers, reaching up to stroke his tousled hair. “Hey, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” Taki makes a pitiful sobbing sound as Yudai finally starts pushing in again. “I’ll make it better.”
Yudai uses more strength than he normally would and the rough, forceful intrusion makes Taki’s hands fly away from his face and his nails dig into the flesh of Yudai’s arms; his head rolls back against his pillow, mouth open in a silent cry. “ Fuck, ” he sobs as quietly as he can. Yudai takes that as a good sign and doesn’t stop pushing until he’s bottomed out, fully enveloped in Taki’s heat. He’s tight , breathtakingly so, and it takes Yudai a few seconds to come back to himself.
The first thing Taki says once he’s caught his breath is “I’m sorry.” Yudai shakes his head and comes to hover over him again, his nose nestled comfortably above his ear. “It’s okay,” he reassures, but Taki’s shoulders remain tense. “I didn’t– I didn’t mean it, I–”
“Shh.” Yudai noses into his hair. “I don’t care.” He catches himself laughing a little, partly at the absurdity of the whole situation, mostly because Taki’s so cute . “If… that’s what makes you feel better, then that’s okay with me. I just wanna help you feel good, okay?” Taki sniffles and, although hesitant and uncertain, nods. His hands slide over Yudai’s shoulders till he’s hugging him, and like magic, his body finally relaxes. Yudai feels like he can breathe as the muscles constricting his cock release just enough for him to move around and find a comfortable position. Taki winces– Yudai has no doubt he’s hurting, or at the very least a little sore– but if he wants him to stop, he doesn’t say it.
Yudai’s surprised at his lack of self-awareness. He thought he’d be uncomfortably aroused, unable to feel anything but the instinctual need to fuck deeper into Taki, to make them both completely overwhelmed with sexual pleasure, but he finds himself strangely detached from it all. He won’t deny it feels good, to some extent, but his focus couldn’t be any further away from himself. He’s fine-tuned into every twitch of Taki’s muscles, every hitch of his breath, every minute change in his facial expression. He pets over his head and knee and wipes any lingering tears from his cheeks. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he really does treat Taki like his baby sometimes. Maybe he planted this idea in his head without realizing it.
His heart sings as Taki’s breathing finally levels out into something easy, not labored. “How do you feel?” He murmurs into his hair. Taki hums and slides his palm over the bunched fabric of Yudai’s shirt. “Better,” he confirms, his voice still carrying evidence of his earlier tears. “Are you… comfortable?” Yudai nods, but the strain of keeping himself up is starting to set in. He could give Taki his full weight, but that almost seems inappropriate, given he’s supposed to be making Taki comfortable, not the other way around. Taki huffs out a little laugh through his nose and presses two fingers against Yudai’s shoulder blade. “I can feel your arms starting to shake,” he whispers, audibly smiling. Yudai scoffs and tucks his nose under Taki’s jaw. “Don’t make fun of me. I can’t remember the last time I did planks.” Taki laughs in his ear and it makes Yudai’s chest feel warm and content.
“Would it be better if I was on top?”
Yudai opens his mouth to say, “No, you stay put” , but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that probably wouldn’t be so bad. He’d be more than happy to shoulder Taki’s weight, and it might be better for him, too, to have control over the situation as he pleases. He tilts his head in thought and eventually decides with a click of his tongue. “I think that might work better. Are you okay with that?”
“Oh, yeah,” Taki confirms, already trying to sit up. “Sometimes, when I’m playing games and I need a little more relief, I… Um, y’know. Sorry. That’s kind of TMI, haha.”
Yudai hopes, prays , Taki didn’t feel his dick twitch inside him. It’s not wrong to think that’s hot , is it? Objectively. If Taki notices Yudai’s sudden wave of heat, he doesn’t say anything, so Yudai pushes the fear away and goes along with Taki’s line of motion. He wonders if maybe he should pull out before they readjust, but Taki simply flips their position without losing so much as an inch of Yudai’s cock. It clearly settles inside him a little differently, though, as he trembles and plants his hands on Yudai’s abdomen. “ Shit, hold on,” he gasps. “One sec.” Yudai smiles a little and rubs his palm over Taki’s thigh. “Take your time.”
Taki exhales a shuddering breath and his eyes drift closed. His brows knit together as he shifts his thighs back and forth, trying to find the best position. Once he settles, his expression softens and he deflates against Yudai. “Good?” He asks, getting his answer in the form of an embrace. Taki falls on top of him and lets out a happy little sigh. “So good,” he murmurs. Yudai smiles and wraps his arms around Taki.
It feels incredible to hold him like this. It’s more intimate than anything Yudai’s done, even with serious, long-term partners. It feels different, somehow, and right . Taki’s so warm and he’s all around him, in every pore of his skin. He almost feels like he’s melting into him; this shared heat makes them both wet and sticky, but not a single complaint is uttered. This isn’t like earlier, when they were curled up in bed and Yudai was so hot, he felt like he might die. This is sweeter, more like a pleasant beam of sun than a devastating heatwave. Taki tucks his face into Yudai and inhales– Yudai likes feeling his lungs inflate beneath his palms. With his exhale, he whispers, “You smell good.”
Yudai chuckles and turns his head the other way, giving Taki unspoken permission to sniff him as he pleases. “There’s no way I smell good,” he refutes good-humoredly. “I probably smell sweaty and gross.”
“No, you smell good , Kei. Seriously.”
“There’s no way! I didn’t even shower.”
If Taki could become one with Yudai’s body, he undoubtedly would with how insistently he’s pressing his nose into his neck. “... I like it better that way.” Taki’s confession is quiet and mumbled; if he wasn’t right next to Yudai’s ear, he may not have heard it. “It smells like you .”
Yudai turns his gaze to the ceiling. What a weird thing to be happy about.
“Ah, right,” he realizes. “You did have something like that, didn’t you? With the way we smell.” Taki nods, and where a normal person might feel shame, he feels none. “You don’t notice it? You all smell so different to me.” Yudai ponders it, but quickly realizes he’s never paid much attention to the way the other members smell, aside from a change in perfume or shampoo. He shakes his head and Taki scoffs like he can’t believe it. “Well, then… What do I smell like to you, hyung?”
Yudai cranes his neck to get a good, full whiff of Taki’s scent. Immediately, he picks up on something. “Body wash… Maki’s?” Taki exclaims and is quick to confirm. “How did you even get a hold of it?” Yudai laughs before going back in. “I forgot mine, so he let me borrow his.” Yudai nods and, with a confused look on his face, pulls away. “I don’t know. You just kinda smell like… you, I guess. Nothing specific I can put my finger on.”
“Good, though?”
Yudai closes his eyes and presses his mouth to the side of Taki’s neck, just to inhale his scent again. “Yeah,” he mumbles against his skin. Yudai can tell Taki’s satisfied with that answer by the way he shifts his weight from one leg to the other, wiggling happily on top of him. Yudai grins and squeezes him a little tighter. “You’re cute.” Taki laughs quietly into his hair, but his knees draw together against Yudai’s ribs. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that while he’s fully buried inside him.
They fall into a comfortable silence after that. Yudai can’t help but wonder if he’s at fault– he didn’t mean to say anything that pushed this into territory Taki didn’t want, he didn’t even think about it before he said it– but he can’t worry too much when Taki looks so peaceful and content. Actually, the comment seems to have softened him even further, if the way he’s smushed up against Yudai is anything to go by. The rise and fall of his chest is rhythmic and even, and though he’s folded over, the muscles in his abdomen are only getting looser and looser. As he lies there under the comforting weight of his Taki, Yudai can confidently say he’s done exactly what he was supposed to.
Yudai hasn’t bottomed in a very long time, but he remembers the feeling well enough. He gets it, he thinks, why Taki needed this so badly. The pressure, the sensation of being completely filled, the warmth of it all– of course it’d be addicting. Of course Taki would like it. He’s always been keen on physical affection. He likes feeling the weight of another person, likes absorbing their body heat. Would he imagine it was someone else, then? When he’d sprawl across his bed at home and fuck himself full, would he imagine someone holding him, pushing inside him, consuming him? … Who? Someone he could call “Mama”? What else does he like to call those who take care of him? He wonders if “hyung” does it for him, too, the same way “Mama” does. Maybe he’ll take anything he can get, call them whatever they want, if it means that person will fuck him like he deserves.
Yudai isn’t sure how long it’s been since Taki stopped moving– fifteen minutes, at the least– but he’s starting to worry he’s trapped. They hadn’t discussed just how long they’d be doing this for, and if Taki’s fallen asleep, then Yudai’s fucked. His cock is still rock hard and it’s starting to hurt ; his plan was to satiate Taki and then, if he was still feeling it, go take care of himself in the bathroom or something. If Taki’s asleep, though, then can he really, in good conscience, wake him?
He doesn’t have to worry about it. Taki stirs after a while and attempts the impossible task of getting even closer to Yudai. Yudai places both hands on Taki’s hips and pulls him back down– to his surprise, he feels Taki’s dick jump against his stomach, and he tenses around Yudai. “Settle,” he soothes despite his earlier internal conflict. Taki whines and presses his forehead into the bone of Yudai’s shoulder. “Can’t.” Yudai sighs through his nose and rubs circles into Taki’s hip bones with his thumbs. Taki writhes, like he can’t decide if he wants to chase the feeling or pull away from it. “Relax, baby,” he coos. He tells himself he’s not riling Taki up on purpose; he can’t help it, he reasons, if Taki likes being called baby a little too much! He’s not doing it to feed into anything, it’s just natural , a fitting nickname for the way he’s acting. He’s not doing anything wrong.
Taki’s trying really hard to be subtle about what he truly wants, Yudai can see that, but he’s doing a terrible job at it. He masks a quick bounce on Yudai’s lap as an attempt to get more comfortable. He rocks forward to smell Yudai a little more, not to lean back afterwards and feel Yudai’s cock press into him harder. His noises, too, are painfully obvious. He’s all whines and whimpers, pathetic little cries for relief. At this point, Yudai would usually surrender and give him what he wants, but this is different. He has to remind himself this isn’t what he’s used to. It’s not sex , he reprimands. He said it wasn’t . And yet, grinding into Yudai’s lap like he’s always belonged there, he thinks Taki might want it to be.
“Hey,” he calls, raising his voice just a tad. Taki freezes, but Yudai holds him still anyway, fingers digging into his hips. With a softer tone, he continues. “Are you uncomfortable?”
“... Huh?”
“You’re moving around a lot.”
Taki flushes. He pushes himself up using Yudai’s chest until he’s fully sitting. This way, they can see each other’s faces. Taki is bright red, from the tips of his ears down past the collar of his shirt. “S-Sorry,” he apologizes sheepishly. “I’m not usually like this.” Yudai spares a glance down and isn’t surprised to see Taki’s dick is as hard as humanly possible, leaking and red and pitiful-looking. Without warning, he places three fingers under it, allowing it to lean on his hand like he’s admiring a delicate flower. “This, you mean?” Taki grits his teeth and Yudai can see his thigh muscles ripple beneath his skin. “Y-Yeah,” he manages to get out.
“I’m sorry,” he whimpers again. Yudai just shushes him and gently taps his finger on the underside of his cock. “It’s okay. It’s natural.” His other hand finds its way under Taki’s shirt. With his palm splayed over his stomach, he can feel every contracting muscle as he toys with him. He ghosts his finger against the ridge of his tip and his whole body convulses– he can feel it under his fingertips, around his cock, bracketing his ribs. Taki gasps as Yudai continues to tease him with barely-there touches. If he said the word, Yudai might just concede, but he’s scared. He doesn’t know Yudai would do anything, anything he asked him to; maybe that’s for the best.
Truthfully, Yudai wants nothing more than to wrap his hand around Taki, but this isn't his decision to make. He searches Taki's face for some sign that he'll gain the courage to ask for what he needs, but all he can see is a scared little boy, damned by his own words. Anyone could see that this has gone beyond non-sexual intimacy, thanks to Taki's red-hot arousal, but he’s so out of his depth, he can’t recognize Yudai's willingness to give in. He must be wrapped up in his own thoughts, Yudai reckons, too focused on coming up with an excuse to realize he doesn’t need to excuse himself at all. Yudai likes this. Likes him , unconditionally.
Yudai presses his finger against the slit on Taki's tip and pulls a pretty string of precum away with it. Taki shakes, his nails digging into Yudai’s chest. “You're so worked up,” Yudai murmurs. Taki whines in response, his head falling between his shoulders. “ Please ,” he begs, and Yudai’s pulse picks up a little. “Please what?”
Taki scoffs. “Please stop talking.” Yudai laughs softly and casually taps the head of Taki's dick like he’s testing a microphone. “Sorry. You still doing okay?” Taki, despite his obvious discomfort, nods. Yudai laughs again– he's so desperate, so very clearly needy, but he still thinks he can fool Yudai into thinking otherwise.
Yudai drops his hand and sighs tiredly through his nose. “Look,” he begins, and just his soft, disappointed tone is enough to make Taki's entire body tense. “I'm not stupid.” Taki's eyes widen and his mouth falls open just a bit. “I-I didn’t say–”
“ Shhhh .” Taki's mouth snaps shut. Once he's certain Taki won't interject again, Yudai tries speaking again, but his voice catches in his throat. Taki's desperate, but not enough to be honest; just asking him wouldn't solve anything. He gives Taki's body a good once-over, from the tip of his cock to the top of his head. His hands find Taki's hips, which wouldn't be abnormal, given their position, but it’s the way he pushes Taki back and forth that makes it perverted. “Does that feel a little better?” He whispers. Trembling, Taki grabs his shoulders and subconsciously ruts against him, chasing the tiniest bit of pleasure he’s been allowed.
Taki gasps and jerks as Yudai presses his thumbs into the soft flesh next to his hip bones. He’s doing his best to fight against himself, stifling noises and stilling movements, but Yudai can see his facade crumbling. He’s given him permission– it's up to him if he wants to use it. Yudai’s hands fall back to his sides, leaving Taki untouched and free. His chest is heaving and his cock is weeping so pitifully and Yudai has to force himself not to lean up and brush Taki's hair out of his eyes and kiss his face and tell him, “It's okay, it's alright, Hyung will take care of it.”
Taki inhales deeply and, using Yudai’s chest to steady himself, shifts his weight back and forth on his thighs. “I–” he begins, cutting himself off with a gulp. “I'm sorry, I-I can't. I'm trying so hard, but I–” Tears well up in his eyes yet again. Yudai coos and cups Taki's cheek in his palm. “I know, baby, I've got you. It's okay.” Taki sniffles and turns his head so Yudai’s palm is over his mouth. He kisses it, as sweet as always, and lifts off of Yudai’s dick. One more kiss and he's back down again, slamming himself against Yudai like he wants it to hurt. Yudai's hand doesn't do much to silence the choked shout that's ripped out of him.
“ Fuck ,” he sobs. “Is it really okay? Can I…?” Yudai probably shouldn't laugh, but he does anyway. “Why are you crying?” He teases fondly. Taki sniffles and shakes his head. “D-Dunno. ‘s just so much. I want you so bad, hyung.” Yudai drags his thumb over Taki's cheek and sighs. He knew this already. He knew there was a very small chance this would go the way Taki intended, and yet, he still agreed. He’s worse than Taki, no better a man than if he'd been the one to ask. Taki’s vulnerable, like putty in his hands, begging for something he thought he’d never get. He’s going to get it, that's undeniable, but the question now is how Yudai’s going to give it.
His gaze softens into something more like pity as he watches Taki nuzzle into his palm like a touch-starved puppy. “What do you want, baby? How do you want me?” He breathes. Taki frowns and whimpers in the back of his throat. “I can't, can I? This is bad.” It hurts to see him like this, shaking and scared to take what he wants. “You're not having a good time like this, Taki,” Yudai soothes. “It's okay. I'm here to make you feel good, remember? Yeah?” Taki's reluctant, but he nods, blinking tears onto Yudai's hand. “Right. You just gotta tell me what you need. I'll make it better.” Yudai pets Taki's disheveled hair and it pulls another sob out of him. Maybe this is a form of catharsis for him, to expel every single emotion he's had to keep private as an idol. The lust, the distress, the damage that's been done, he's unloading it onto Yudai all at once, like a torrent of everything he hides from the cameras.
Taki curls over Yudai’s chest. “I… I'm not taking advantage of you, am I?” He asks, his voice breaking. Yudai exhales heavily and knits his brows together. “No. No, Taki, never. I'm here because I want to be. I wanna take care of you.” Taki lets out a shuddering breath and squeezes his eyes shut. He seems to be thinking about something; whatever it is dries his tears and steadies his breathing. “... Okay.”
“Okay?” Yudai tucks a piece of hair behind Taki's ear as he nods. Something warm settles deep in Yudai's chest. “Okay,” he repeats, sliding his hand behind Taki's neck and pulling him down into him. Taki deflates into his arms as Yudai holds him as close and as tight as he physically can. This is his Taki, his baby. He feels it now, more certain than it’s ever been. He has to take care of him.
Yudai holds Taki in place and, without warning, roughly thrusts up into him. Taki chokes on a moan and digs his nails into Yudai’s shoulders. Sweetly, Yudai leans into Taki's ear and whispers, “You'll have to keep yourself quiet, okay, baby? Yuma and Jojo are right outside.” Taki's muscles quiver and he tucks himself into the crook of Yudai's neck. Satisfied, Yudai presses a chaste kiss to the shell of his ear and pushes into him again.
There's only so much muffling that can be done when every sound is punched directly out of Taki's throat. Yudai's fast and strong, and his intense style of fucking only further proves that Taki prefers when things are a little rougher. Admittedly, Yudai likes it, too, the pretty pained yelps and overwhelmed whimpers. He didn't realize just how much Taki had affected him until he finally started letting himself feel it. The pleasure is unmistakable now, flowing from his toes to the top of his head. He feels it in his veins, feels the way it bleeds through his skin and infects Taki, too. The poor boy is nothing but used. With each thrust, his cock pushes against the ridges of Yudai's abdomen, only pushing him closer and closer to his breaking point.
This is what he needed. Not something gentle and warm and soft. He needed to have it all fucked out of him, and who better to do that than the one who'd helped raise him? No one knows him better, inside and out. Anyone else he'd asked would be too scared when they saw him crying. Euijoo would panic, if it were him, and Yudai’s phone would be ringing non-stop if it were Fuma. He’d be begging for help, advice, anything to soothe the fussy boy in his lap. Yudai thrusts particularly hard and it practically forces Taki's dick to fuck against his stomach. Taki cries and babbles incoherent nonsense into Yudai’s hair. He doesn’t need outside help, and he doesn't need to doubt himself. He knows what Taki needs better than anyone.
“ Mama, ” Taki moans. Yudai holds his head against his neck and hums. “I've got you, baby,” he pants. Taki whimpers pathetically as he begins leaving open-mouth kisses along Yudai’s jaw, and for the first time, Yudai feels himself teetering on the edge of something familiar.
Is it bad to say he could get used to this? He doesn’t get this often, now that he’s waist-deep in idol life, but having another body pressed against his– a body he knows, loves, trusts – is priceless. Taki's always there, always happy to stick to his side like they're glued together. He understands, too, the exact things they need to avoid. No marks, which he's doing a good job at, even in his cock-drunk delirium. They're being about as discreet as they can be in a dormitory like this. And it's not like one of them will go around and tell people what they've done, either, because it'll only be shooting themselves in the foot. It shouldn't, it really, really shouldn't, but maybe… maybe this could be something.
Taki gasps around a moan and ruts into Yudai’s stomach. “‘m close,” he announces, and Yudai nods. “That’s it. C'mon, baby.” He can feel Taki tighten; the quivering convulsions around his dick are sensations he'll never get sick of. He knows Taki's finally there when he stops breathing, completely overtaken by the orgasm rocking through him. Yudai can feel his cock pulse against his stomach and shoot cum between their bodies. Yudai slows his thrusts, but doesn't stop, intent on fucking every last drop of Taki's orgasm out of him.
He only begins to slow when Taki starts trying to hit his shoulder. Yudai keeps Taki close, like he'll fall into pieces if he doesn't keep him held together. He's shaking in his arms, trembling through the aftershocks. Yudai rolls his dick into Taki and kisses the side of his head. “There you go,” he soothes. “You did so good. My Riki.” Surprisingly, Taki tightens around Yudai with a whine. Yudai huffs out a laugh through his nose and slides one of his hands up the back of Taki's shirt. “I don't call you that much anymore, do I?” He says, then after a quiet moment, follows up with, “You can call me Yudai, if you want.”
“ Yudai .” Taki wastes no time in whimpering Yudai’s name– predictably, Yudai's cock throbs where it's still buried inside Taki. “Yah,” Yudai chides in an attempt to brush off his ceaseless arousal, “that was too quick. No honorifics or anything?” Taki shakes his head and wraps his arms around Yudai’s neck. “You don't call your mom ‘hyung’.”
Yudai swallows hard. “... You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?” Taki's subtle gyrating of his hips comes to an abrupt halt. Yudai catches a peek of Taki's bright-red ears out of the corner of his eye. “Just cum already,” he murmurs, embarrassed. Yudai scoffs as blood fills his cheeks. “You– You can't just leave it alone, can you?” Taki pushes back on Yudai’s dick, and though the overstimulation must hurt, he repeats the motion a few times. Yudai swears under his breath and closes his eyes. “Rest, baby,” he insists, but Taki’s relentless. Little cries of pain spill over his lips, only fueling the throbbing of Yudai's cock. Yudai's arms fall to his sides as a breathy moan escapes his throat. He’s given in.
The fact that Taki's willing to set aside his own discomfort to make Yudai cum does more for him than the actual physical sensation. Don't get him wrong, Taki feels like heaven around him, but the emotional aspect always hits him harder. His head falls to the side as more quiet little sounds leave his mouth. Taki sits up and, even though his arms are shaking like branches in the wind, supports himself on Yudai’s chest. “Is it good?” He asks softly, sounding both uncertain and way too sure of himself. Yudai nods and brings his lip between his teeth. “Keep going, I'm almost there.”
Yudai doesn't expect his orgasm to hit him as hard as it does. He doesn’t even get to warn Taki before his fingers are digging into his thighs and his back's arching off the bed. He’s quiet, thankfully, but his teeth nearly draw blood from his lip from how hard he's biting. Taki moans like he feels it, too, or like Yudai really came inside him, but the condom catches everything. Yudai's heart thunders in his ears as he finally untenses and melts into the mattress. Taki loses all his energy, too, and flops on Yudai like he’s one with the bed.
His head is so fuzzy. This is the part where he'd normally start overthinking. Usually, he'd head to the bathroom for a damp washcloth and a moment of reflection in the mirror, but now, he just feels… warm. No thoughts, other than the ones about Taki. He must be beyond exhausted, the poor thing. Dehydrated, too, after all the crying and sweating. Despite that, he pushes himself up rather quick and lifts himself off of Yudai’s softening dick. Taki ignores his trembling thighs and tries to stand, but Yudai shoots up and catches him right as his knees buckle and he nearly crumples to the ground.
“ Shit, ” he hisses. Yudai, still trying to catch all his breath back, shakes his head and furrows his brows. “What are you doing? Lay down.” Taki frowns and wraps his fingers around Yudai’s wrist. “I was gonna get something to clean us up.” Yudai clicks his tongue and pulls Taki back over top of him. He uses the momentum to throw Taki against the bed, flat on his back. Before he can fight it, Yudai rises to his feet, pulls the condom off and ties it, and grabs his boxers from the floor. “Don't move, “ he scolds as he slides them over his legs. Once they're up, he narrows his eyes at Taki and steps towards the door. “... If anyone asks, we had a sweaty nap.”
Yudai hears Taki snort as he cracks open the door and steps into the hallway, the used condom balled up in his fist and sweat still drying on his temple. It's dark and mostly quiet– perfect for sneaking to the bathroom. All it takes is three steps, though, for him to come face-to-face with a grand total of five people very awake and very much so staring right at him. Jo and Yuma are still on the couch, but Euijoo, Fuma and Harua are gathered around the kitchen. They seemed to be in the middle of talking about some smoothie powder one of them bought, but they stopped as soon as they saw Yudai in the doorway.
“Is Taki okay?” Yuma calls from the living room. Yudai blinks and scratches the back of his neck with his free hand. “Oh, yeah. He’s okay. He just needed to vent a little, that's all.” Jo sinks into the couch in relief. Yuma nods and turns back to the TV; Yudai swears his gaze lingers, but he’s also extremely paranoid that everyone in the house now knows he fucked Taki. Fuma and Euijoo exchange a glance, as if asking each other, “ Did you know Taki wasn’t doing well? ”, while Harua's fingernail picks at the corner of the bag of smoothie powder. “He seemed kinda down today,” he mumbles.
Yudai shrugs. “Yeah… Well, he's okay now. We ended up falling asleep for a bit, though, so…” Yudai nods towards the bathroom. Fuma stretches out his hand and gestures for Yudai to continue, like Yudai has to ask for permission to use the bathroom. It’s awkward. Yudai's almost certain everyone knows something's up as he shuts the bathroom door behind him. He looks at himself in the mirror and wants nothing more than to shout at the top of his lungs. With his face blotchy and red and his hair sticking up every which way and his shirt pulled and wrinkled, anyone could guess what he was doing. He rinses his fingers with cold water and does his best to smooth down his hair, but it doesn’t really work very well. With a sigh, he resigns to cleaning himself up the best he can.
The tied-off condom is wrapped in toilet paper and tossed in the trash can. He uses a washcloth to wipe Taki's dried cum off of his stomach and cleans his thighs of any residual lube. Taki slobbered all over his neck, so he wets his hands and scrubs away at that, too. He smooths his shirt down the best he can and, once he thinks he’s presentable enough, he tosses his used cloth and grabs a clean one. He soaks it, wrings it, then balls it up in his hand. Yudai flushes the toilet to make it seem like he actually used the bathroom, waits a few seconds, then steps back into the hallway.
No one looks at him as he walks back to Taki's room. He's really good at playing nonchalant, so it doesn't feel like anything out of the ordinary as he clicks open Taki's door and steps back inside.
Taki's splayed out like a starfish on the bed. Yudai giggles as he walks over to him and pushes his damp hair out of his eyes. “You look comfy,” he teases. Taki opens one of his eyes and scoffs. “I'm cold.” Yudai smiles and presses the washcloth to Taki's cheek. “Not much longer, and then I'll tuck you in.” Taki closes his eye and sighs.
Yudai tries his best to be gentle as he drags the washcloth over Taki's skin. He says he's cold, but he's still hot to the touch. He winces and makes embarrassed little noises as Yudai lifts and parts his legs to clean up the mess of lube around his hole and thighs. “I can do this part,” he complains, muffled behind his hands, but Yudai dismisses him. “I'm almost done. Just relax.” Taki huffs through his nose, but lets Yudai finish wiping him down without another complaint. He even lets Yudai put his boxers back on for him once he’s thoroughly clean.
Yudai had every intention of leaving Taki to sleep, but the moment he began tucking the blankets around Taki's form, Taki caught his wrist and asked him to stay. Despite his craving for his own, clean bed, Yudai complies and crawls under the comforter. Lying on his back, Taki curls into his side, his head tucked between his shoulder and jaw. It’s warm and, admittedly, probably nicer than the cold, untouched bed Yudai would've slept in.
Taki smells like sweat, but it’s not bad. As Yudai breathes in the scent of post-sex Taki, he stares up at the dark ceiling. He won't be sleeping tonight– he has a lot of thinking to do.