Chapter Text
My name is John Walker, I used to be Captain America, I have received 3 medals of honor, and I am not normal.
I was normal once, I was happy once. Times change pretty fast though. Peaking in high school wasn't the life I wanted, but I suppose it's the life an asshole like me deserves.
I wish I didn't have to push my insecurities on other people, I wish Bob didn't notice how sad I was, I wish he could ignore me like the rest of them do, I wish I didn't treat Olivia so badly.
I wish a lot of things. A lot of things that I will never tell a single soul till the day I die. I don't know how I'm going to recover from this.
John snapped out of his thought process pretty fast once Ava walked in, he had been staring out of the window and at the city floor for the 3rd time that week. He looked around his bedroom, it was boring. Not a decoration in sight. The only proof of life coming from the damn room was the picture that John kept of his son. It sat on the nightstand.
"What?"
Johns gaze narrowed and his tone was harsher than he intended. He softened slightly when he saw Ava's expression, she put her hands in the air.
"Woah, calm down. I was only here to ask when you were planning to join us in the land of the living."
Ava snickered, despite being so annoyed, John couldn't help but smile back. He shrugged and checked the time, it was 1 pm. He probably should go and join them.
"Yeah, I'll be down in a bit."
John sighed as he watched Ava leave the room. He decided he'd freshen up a bit before going downstairs to see the rest of the team.
He stepped into the bathroom, turning on the sink and wetting his toothbrush. He weighed himself as he brushed his teeth, he had lost a little weight. But he figured it was for the good. He spit out the toothpaste, brushed his hair, and put on deodorant. John then changed out of his white tank top and into a black T-shirt and some gray jeans.
John stepped downstairs and into the commons areas. Bob was reading a book on the couch, Yelena and Bucky were discussing plans for future attacks, and Ava and Alexei were watching some old Soviet TV show that Alexei insisted they turned on. It looked like a reality TV show, but John couldn't tell because the quality was so shit.
"Walker."
Bucky nodded at John when they made eye contact, he gave Bucky a half-assed smile and kept walking. John hadn't become really close with any of them yet. He knew them, sure, but friends? Definitely not. John hadn't made any real friends since...well, since Lemar.
"Whatcha reading, Bob?"
John sat on the couch next to Bob, glancing over at the pages. It looked like some self help book, Bob definitely needed it. That man was more messed up than a gate in a tornado. Bob just shrugged and gestured to the cover of the book.
"It's just some book for identity crisises."
John somewhat zoned out as he listened to Bob talk. He blinked and suddenly he was back at his house. It was nighttime there, he was standing in the kitchen. Olivia was in front of him, tears streaming down her face as she yelled at him. Their son squealed in his baby seat at the kitchen table.
"Why can't you take care of the baby anymore?! Why do I have to do everything! All you do is wallow in your self sorrow!"
John remembered this, he had been here before. This was when Olivia left him. Internally, John knew that this was some sort of PTSD attack. He knew it wasn't real. But he needed to fix it, he needed her back. He couldn't help and reach out for Olivia, his hand landing on the soft skin of her cheek.
Olivia shoved his hand off her. She raised her hand and slapped him right across his cheek, leaving a red mark. John just kept his hands at his sides, she could hit him but he would never hurt her. It didn't hurt much, but it stung extra hard just because it was from her and not some random person.
John shook himself back into reality, he looked around at the rest of the people. Bob was looking at him weird and Bucky was watching him from the corner of his eye. Bucky could definitely tell that something was up. John cleared his throat, standing up and deciding that was enough time with the team, despite only being there for about 5 minutes.
"Walker?"
Yelena croaked out, but John walked out of the room. Bob gave her a concerned look and shrugged. She sighed and pinched her nosebridge.
John slumped onto his bed, shutting his eyes. He hoped that he could fall asleep for the rest of the day, but he knew he wouldn't be able to. He hoped tomorrow would be better.
"John?"
John froze, sitting up. He could recognize that voice anywhere. There, on the corner of his bed, was... Lemar? This wasn't possible. He's dead. He had to be dead. He had to have been hallucinating again.
"You're dead."
It was all he could mutter, Lemar set his hand on John's knee, gently squeezing it. Lemar smiled, but John couldn't return the favor. Tears prickled in his eyes and his throat clenched up, it was like somebody had wrapped barbwire around it. Maybe he was as crazy as everybody told him he was.
The door opened, John had to tear his gaze off of Lemar to see who it was. It was just Bob, he looked confused. When John looked back at Lemar, he was gone. He had lost him again.
"Lemar? Lemar?!"
John gasped, grasping at the blanket where Lemar used to be sitting. His tears threatened to spill. Bob took a hesitant step further into the room, John quickly glared at him.
"Get out! Get out. Leave me alone for God's sake! Can't I catch a break from you people?!"
John angrily stepped towards Bob, who flinched and stepped out of the room. He slammed the door in his face. He knew it was mean, cruel even, but he couldn't even tell what was real anymore. His anger issues had gotten significantly worse after he took that serum. He wish he could disappear, if only Bob hadn't gotten rid of that 'Void' guy.
John stepped towards the window, looking out at the bustling city. He had never been a city kinda guy, he just wanted a wife and family. But he couldn't even do that correctly. He couldn't be Captain America, he couldn't even be USAgent. John didn't like admitting that he had been contemplating his own death a lot recently. He convinced himself that it was just out of curiosity, but deep down he knew it wasn't.
Yelena stormed into the room, it was as if John could feel the rage emanating off of her. She always defended Bob, even though he was a grown adult man.
"What made you think that was okay?! You were really mean to him! You know he's struggling!"
She lifted her arms up and shook them in the air, trying to show her anger in the best way she could. But it was clear she was more mad than she was disappointed. John noted that her accent got thicker when she was mad.
"I'm sorry, I'll apologize to him later. Can you ask him if he wants me to make banana bread or something?"
Bob peaked his head over the corner of the door, looking into the room. Yelena glanced over her shoulder at him.
"Well?"
Bob hesitated, looking around. He fumbled with his shirt, toying with the fabric at the hem. It was a light blue shirt that looked nice with his eyes.
"Yes please."
John sighed but nodded. It was the least he could do, if he was going to work with these people for months, then he should at least become friendly with them.