Chapter Text
6 months earlier.
"The court sentences the accused to 18 years of effective imprisonment for drug trafficking and narcotics, I urge the accused to reflect on her actions." The session is adjourned.
At that moment, everything changed.
♱
The stares were fixed on him, he could feel how every student had a prejudiced look in their eyes, a feeling of rejection towards his presence. No one wanted him to be there, he knew it in just five minutes.
Entering a seminary was the last thing the 17-year-old Barth had imagined, yet there he was, mingling among students full of faith, full of love for God. Everything he had lost.
Has God really treated all of them well? Barth didn't believe it.
He grew up in a humble, low-income family. His father worked almost twenty-four hours a day in a furniture factory, so he barely had time to spend with his son. His mother took care of him every day, that being her only role, with no possibility of working.
Barth never felt the familial warmth he used to see in movies when he was little; he only had his mother, and at times, he felt like a burden and her, to her freedom. His presence was nothing more than something indifferent to his father; he doesn't remember ever receiving a show of affection from him, a hug…not even a smile.
The situation at home became more and more complicated as he grew up; it is enough to say that the love between his parents was practically nonexistent. The fights between them were frequent; Barth remembers hiding his head under his pillow to isolate himself from the reality he was living.
Barth was 14 years old when his parents divorced. Custody was primarily with his mother, but with the condition that the young man would see his father twice a month. The new life that Barth was hoping for was nothing more than a product of his fantasies; it didn't improve in any aspect. If anything, it only got worse over time. Bottles of different types of alcohol were abundant in the house; there wasn't a day when he didn't hear his mother vomiting from the excessive amount she had consumed.
Barth started taking care of her, while the situation at school wasn't much better.
And if it wasn't enough, the rumors about his homosexuality spread quickly, the entire school knew he liked men, perhaps even before he realized it himself.
He always tried to date girls his age, but it never worked out. The first of them was Lin, he met her at the local market in town. She was objectively beautiful, everyone could see that. Straight and long hair, big eyes, and plump lips. Any guy would have noticed her.
However, when Lin set her eyes on him and asked him out, Barth accepted solely to experience what it was like to go out with someone. The result of it was nothing more than disappointment; when he felt the girl's lips on his, nothing inside him stirred, there were no butterflies, there was no emotion at all.
At first, Barth wanted to think that the problem was the girl, that she wasn't the right one, but when three more different experiences with different girls came along, the pieces of what he thought was his world began to break apart. What was his problem?
It was at that moment that the culprit behind the spread of rumors about him entered his life. Sean.
He met Sean at one of the soccer games he played with his friends in the courtyard. That day, one of his friends announced that his cousin would join them, as he would soon be entering their school. When he saw him... he felt something new.
His heart stopped for a split second. Never before had he felt anything like it; he was mesmerized by his masculine beauty, and that confused him.
From that first encounter with Sean, the chemistry between the two young men was evident; from the very beginning, Barth knew it wasn't just about friendship, it had always been something more.
It wasn't until their first kiss that he tasted a piece of heaven; he felt it, the butterflies were indeed there that time. For the first time, Barth felt that what he was doing was the right thing.
His relationship with Sean lasted 7 months. At first, he was over the moon, being in that boy's arms was the highest point of happiness he could imagine, the kisses were sweet but sometimes wild, the first touches felt so good that sometimes he doubted if he was dreaming.
He loved this feeling.
Until, overnight everything started to change. Sean always wanted to keep it private, their relationship could be described as something clandestine, Barth never liked feeling like he was Sean's secret. He just wanted to love oenly like everyone else.
The sweet and comforting relationship they had at the beginning gradually faded away, denying it was impossible.
"Could you stop acting like a faggot in front of everyone? I'm tired of others asking me if you're in love with me.” The words pierced deep into his heart; he never expected to hear that.
"But I am, Sean. Do you expect me to pretend that I don't feel anything for you? Do you know how painful that is for me?” Tears fell down his face one after another, bringing out all the pain he had inside.
"Well, yeah, damn it!" Leave me alone, I'm not a sissy like you, I'll never be what you want me to be. Barth, I'm tired of playing princesses." Each word that came out of his mouth was more damaging than the last, completely tearing him apart inside.
"What are you saying...?" Barth knew. He didn't want to hear what he was going to say, but he asked anyway. Tremendous idiot.
"Don't ever look at me again, I don't want to be associated with you, and believe me, if you do, you won't want to know the consequences." No more words were needed, Barth sank into his own anguish, begging over and over again that he wouldn't leave him, that he would change, but nothing worked. Not anymore.
After that day, the rumors that Barth had tried to touch Sean without his consent spread throughout the school. Wherever he went, he heard barely concealed murmurs of people insulting him. Little by little, it began to reach the ears of the parents, who urged their children to stay away from him so as not to be "contaminated." Barth lived a daily torture, social rejection was consuming him more and more each day.
"You are one of those fucking faggots, you will never stop embarrassing me. Was it so hard to be born normal?" The look of disdain from his father was etched in his mind. "You are a damn sinner. Don't you realize that what you do is a sin? You will never go to heaven. God will not allow a promiscuous child like you to enter such a sacred place. Having you as a son is the greatest shame." He slapped him, he had never laid a hand on him before, not until that day.
"Dad, I'm sorry." He was unable to say anything else. On his knees, he cried and apologized again and again.
At the age of 16, Barth was definitively rejected by his father.
His mother was the only one who didn't judge him, she simply hugged him while he cried, and even though she was drunk, it was the only time Barth felt normal in someone's eyes.
"Everything will be fine, Barth. I know everything is very hard right now, but it will all pass. God has a great life in store for you, with the person you love. Keep trying, darling, don't give up, not for me, do it for our Lord, God loves you." Her words penetrated deep into his being, it was the only hope he had left.
Did he even deserve to imagine a dignified life?
The following year was based on survival. He got tired of being a victim of mockery, of people thinking they had the right to treat him like trash, he didn't allow it anymore.
He started training in boxing; it was the best method he could think of to release the anger he had accumulated inside. For every punch he threw at the bag, he thought of all the derogatory words he had received, he thought of God and his stupid rules about right and wrong love. His sins increased but his soul became freer.
April 6, 1995.
He lost his mother. The judge had passed sentence, 18 years in prison for drug trafficking. He should have known, his mother was drifting further and further away from who she used to be, she had started using drugs more frequently but he never thought... that it would go beyond that.
She had been trafficking drugs since the beginning of the year, getting involved with the worst people in town. At the end of the day, the only person by his side was also blinded by their selfishness. She never thought about him before selling drugs, she never cared about his safety. All this time Barth lived in a lie, but despite that, his mother was the person he loved the most.
He said goodbye to her with tears in his eyes. He was alone, he had no one left.
From that day on, Barth started to defend himself; however, doing so cost him his freedom.
"Your mother is in jail, and on top of that, you're a little faggot?" He was going to kill that bastard. He had put up with his bullshit for months, but the mention of his mother was the last straw. Unable to control his fury, he lunged at the boy and started punching his face, unable to stop. It was his revenge for all this time.
Barth was expelled from school for violence.
"I've had enough of you. I'm fed up with you not only being a mentally ill sinner but also a crazy person. I hope this seminar teaches you how to be normal; in the meantime, don't come back.” His father said with anger.
A seminar, he was going to be sent to a seminar full of idiots who believe in God. It wasn't going to work, not with him.
God was nobody to him.
And with that, with his father hating him, his mother in prison, and everyone judging him... he entered the seminary in Phetchabun.
It was only the first day and everyone knew him as the bad boy of the seminary, he was the only one among them who wasn't a seminarian, from the very beginning he was already earning the negative image from the others, but who cares? He has nothing to prove to any of the pathetic people there.
Father Saksit knew who he was and the reason why he was here; his father had told him in great detail an avalanche of lies about him to make him look like a freak who needed to be cured.
As he entered the seminary building, he felt a wave of stares from hundreds of boys, all looking at him with superiority.
Everyone except one.
The boy on the stairs, peering from the second floor, looked at him with curiosity, as if he knew who he was or wanted to find out. He was very beautiful in Barth's eyes; surely his compassionate eyes were what set him apart from the rest. He was different.
He saw how that boy quickly walked down the stairs, moving so fast that he bumped into every student in his path, but it seemed he didn't care. Before he realized it, he was in front of him, looking at him once again with that gaze he couldn't decipher. He had two prominent moles decorating his face, one on the side of his nose and another on his right cheek, he was cute.
"Hello, I'm Tanrak. What's your name?" Oh, his voice was also pleasant to listen to.
"Barth, do you need something?" His tone came out sharper than he expected, he noticed a slight grimace of annoyance on the other boy's face.
"I... just wanted to say hi, yeah, that." It was strange, quite strange. Somehow, Barth found him intriguing; he still didn't understand why he had approached him.
"Mmm, I see. Well, I'm going to my room, goodbye." He knows he was being very curt with the boy, but he wasn't here to make friends, much less seminarians. He just wanted them to leave him alone.
Once in his room shared with three other boys, he laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling while questioning how miserable his life was. Did God really have so many punishments for him?
He doesn't think he'll be able to get used to this environment of obedient brats who think they're better than him. He doesn't think he can endure all those whispers that gradually seep into his head as he walks down the hallway. He only had one way to run away from all this torture that suffocated him day after day. He was going to escape from this place tomorrow, he wouldn't wait any longer.
He doesn't expect anyone to stop him. No one would care to see him flee.