Chapter Text
1.
Farrah had never known the feeling of being wanted. In any sort of way. No one had ever gone out of their way to be friends with her—she’d always had to be the one to make the first move—always had to force them to notice her. And sure, everything would be sort of fine after that but it wasn’t just in friendships. No one ever gave her a second glance. Farrah had never been “the pretty one.” She could be funny. She could be stylish, she could be kind but never ever pretty or beautiful.
It never stopped hurting either. But it did start to stop her from trying. Once she shut everyone out, it became very clear that she’d never found the right place to look for friends.
The stars were rather bright tonight and she could hardly breathe. She couldn’t stand the sight of everyone talking to everyone else but her. Asking to take pictures together but either hiding her behind the camera or ignoring her entirely. It wasn’t very fun.
Even the wind was laughing at her. She walked swiftly past a branch and it cut her arm, “shit.” She cursed out. Farrah checked her arm, but there was a lack of blood dripping down. Even still, it stung at the touch.
Farrah tunneled her eyes forward but she didn’t move. She could feel her body slowly sinking toward the ground and her eyes flooding with tears. It was all hitting her at once. No one needed her. Everything Farrah was, people could get from someone who she imagines would be better looking than she was.
A twig snapped in the distance. Farrah pulled her head from her legs and her skin grew cold and rough with goosebumps.
“Tough night?” The voice was raspy, familiar and yet still unknown, “I don’t bite, just wanted to make sure you didn’t die when you snuck off.”
Xochitl. What a turn of events.
The other girl’s brown wavy hair shimmers in the moonlight. Her hands were tucked in her oversized black hoodie that she never takes off.
“Well, I’m fine. You can go.” Farrah turned away and pulled down her sleeves as the wind rushed by.
“Yeah I’d rather you not get mauled by a wolf or something and then we have to go look for your body and shit. So you can do that, or I can stay here and listen to you sulk—I brought a second beer.” Farrah harrumphed and held out her hand. Xochitl’s smile grew as she handed it to Farrah and sat with her back against a tree. “What troubles you, fair maiden!”
Farrah chuckles and wonders where this could possibly go. “I don’t know, Xo. shit’s been pretty shit as of late.”
“One of its defining qualities if I recall. What do you mean?” This was new. Someone asking Farrah how she was without prompting them with any sighing or over exaggerating how she felt. Perhaps how pathetic she felt in this moment was simply enough.
She doesn’t know what to do. Scaring off Xochitl would leave her back where she started, but she needed to talk to a real person about this. Taking a swig from her bottle for confidence, Farrah started opening up.
“Well,” Xochitl shifted, showing her interest in the conversation, “do you know what it’s like to feel…wanted?”
“Sort of? Jasmine asked me out first when we were dating.”
“Yeah? Well I have no idea what that’s like. There’s always someone more interesting or more attractive and then when it gets to me…they don’t even try. That’s not even just romantically it’s—well, all of it!” Farrah chuckled, astonished at the predicament she’d gotten herself into. “And that whole ‘I’ll just stop responding until people notice’ only works if people don’t suck.” She finished, punctuating the end of it with another drink from her bottle.
Then the two sat in silence for a moment. Farrah was confused by it, then all of a sudden, Xochitl started chuckling. Laughing. At Farrah? At life? This wasn’t a normal thing for a person to do, so Farrah turned to the girl displaying her confusion all over her face.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh—I’m sorry. Just the—you, Farrah Bradley, don’t feel wanted?” Xochitl laughs louder, “that’s insane, Bradley.”
“Is it? Why is that so insane, Hernandez?” Farrah looks straight forward and takes another drink. Xochitl can’t keep a straight face, scanning Farrah up and down.
“Because you’re Farrah fucking Bradley? Like—look at you, you’re fucking hot. You’re smart, you can party from what I recall—you mean no one has ever hit on you? Or asked to hangout? Or—.”
“Nope.” Farrah took the last sip of her bottle and let it drop onto the sticks and dirt on the ground, “I’m real unloved.”
The silence washed over them again. Then Xochitl’s bottle hit the ground with a clink.
“So…just to clarify,” Xochitl puts her long wavy hair into a ponytail, “no one has ever…done this to you?” She grabbed Farrah’s hand and put her knuckles against her lips. Farrah’s eyes grow darker, and she shakes her head. Xochitl straddled Farrah’s lap and smirked, “so surely…no one’s ever done this to you, right?”
“No,” Farrah muttered, dangerously close to the lips of the other girl.
“Do you feel wanted yet, Bradley?”
“Say it, please.”
“Say what, Bradley,” Xochitl’s soft hands found their way to Farrah’s cheeks, rubbing her thumbs along the smooth dark skin.
“Tell me you want me, Xoe.” Her eyes were filled with such disparity and yearning. Farrah’s mouth hung open slightly as the girl got impossibly closer without touching her lips.
“I want you, Farrah Bradley,” she whispered, finally placing a kiss on Farrah’s lips. “I want you to feel good and loved and worshiped,” her voice grew low and Farrah wanted let out a whimper, “because you, baby girl, are the hottest fucking person I’ve ever seen.” Xochitl placed kisses all over Farrah’s face and lips and her neck. Whispering sweet nothings against every inch of skin she could find.
Farrah was overwhelmed with a number of emotions—this entire experience was so many firsts all at one time. “You’re so pretty, Farrah.” Xochitl kissed her on the lips again, pulling away with a bite. “But I really don’t wanna fuck you in the dirt.” Farrah tossed her head back against the tree and laughed.
“No yeah, did you have a ride here?”
“Oh? You’re making me feel very wanted right now, Bradley. I’ll go grab my stuff and meet you wherever you parked,” she kissed Farrah quickly, “think you can wait that long, Princess?” Farrah’s mouth dropped and she lightly shoved Xochitl off of her.
As the other girl walked off, Farrah watched her go with a smile she couldn’t shove away. Her body was on fire and her mind was racing. All of this was so new, thank god it all felt so good. She picked up the bottles and headed back toward the party, hoping not to run into any of her “friends” as she made her way to her car.
Wishes are just for wishing, unfortunately.
“You good, Farrah?” Dana questioned, in her tied up t-shirt and skirt held a cup in one hand, not letting Farrah pass. She tried to hide any sign of annoyance the best she could.
“Yeah, why?”
“No reason. I just…I haven’t seen you for a minute and you came from the same way as Xochitl Hernandez? I know you’re gay or whatever, but Xoe? Aren’t you close with Jasmine or something?” Farrah scoffed and rolled her eyes, but Dana maintained her heightened eyebrow and overly speculative demeanor.
“Jasmine couldn’t care less about what I’m doing. Or what Xochitl is doing. They broke up! Which you would know if you have a shit about anyone but yourself! Why do you care, Dana?” Farrah asked, all the happy emotion she was feeling moments ago decimating with every second of eye contact held. The lack of a response was very telling. Farrah rolled her eyes, pulling out of the unnecessary tension, “I just needed a moment to myself. It’s not like any of you guys were talking to me. God forbid I don’t stand in your shadow for one minute.” And with that little slip, Farrah slipped past her friend toward the street.
Sitting in the car, left alone with her thoughts was a little scary. She was going to do this. Farrah Bradley was going to have sex. And it was going to be great.
A wave of relief washed over Farrah once she saw her partner in crime walking up the street. Xochitl got in the car and smiled. “Sounds like you had some fun back there,” Xochitl rasped. Farrah let out a fake laugh and turned on the car.
“Your house or mine?”
“Mine is okay. Parents are out for the foreseeable few hours. And I have a really comfy bed I wanna see you on…” Farrah turned and smiled a little.
“Yeah?” She asked, Xochitl responded by leaning forward over the console and nodded. Farrah mirrored the action and kissed her softly. A soft hand rose to her cheek as Xochitl’s thumb stroked the skin.
“Yeah babygirl.”
“I think I like babygirl.” Farrah chuckled, pulling further away. She shifted the car into drive, and they pulled away from everything wrong with the world.
Xochitl’s house was nice; it felt very cozy from the outside. Farrah parked in the driveway and couldn’t hide the smile on her face. Every muscle in her body was tense with excitement.
They got out of the car and Xochitl unlocked the front door. She turned back to Farrah with a smile and grabbed her hand to lead her toward her bedroom. As they crossed the threshold of her room, Xochitl held Farrah by the waist and led the two of them to her bed, making Farrah straddle her.
“You sure you wanna do this Farrah?” Xochitl asked with gorgeous bedroom eyes. “I’m all for it if you are.”
Farrah held the woman’s face in her hands, rubbing her thumb up and down her cheek. Her question didn’t take Farrah aback. She’d known that Xochitl was a very understanding person. And she’d also heard that Xochitl Hernandez was a very good time according to Jasmine.
Jasmine who had always felt wanted. Jasmine who had pretended to want her to appeal to Xochitl. It just put things into perspective. Her mind was racing and she really had to think: this would be her first time. Should this really be her first time? When her mind was clouded with this pathetic, incessant vulnerability eating away at her self-confidence?
Farrah’s breath hitched, and she felt water flood behind her eyes.
“Just—kiss me, please?” She whispered. Xochitl’s face shifted in understanding. She held her waist tighter and kissed Farrah softly. Over and over and over again. “Thank you.”
“Oh? I’ve never been thanked for my services. But it’s no problem, Farrah. Whatever you need.”
“Can we just—just watch a movie and like—this is so stupid, and could you hold me?” The earnestness and puddling of tears in Farrah’s eyes made Xochitl melt. “No is okay, too. I just…I like being around you and even if I don’t have sex I still want whatever this is to happen.” Farrah gestured between the two of them without looking Xochitl in the eye.
“Whatever you want, Farrah.” Xochitl smiled as she placed a kiss on Farrah’s forehead. In return, Farrah tossed her arms around her neck and squeezed. And they just sat there and held each other for a while.
This was good.