Chapter Text
“We need to find something, anything! Any piece of information about me. Is that clear?”
Orin is dead. Smashed to smithereens. She never stood a chance.
As for me, well... I am free, am I?
I did die, but Withers waved his magic bony fingers and here I am. Free and chasing after my past. If a few flashes of memory pop up in nightmares, many parts are still missing. And I want - need - to know.
This place… it used to be my chambers, before that freak betrayed me. Before she took everything from me… Before she turned this place into her own morbid palace. Because it cannot be all mine, right? Those gory displays of adoration to Bhaal…
I shake my head, trying to not drown into painful conjectures.
There must be something about me in here. “Look everywhere!”
Halsin and Karlach are taking Yenna back to camp, making sure the kid is safe.
Wyll and Shadowheart are examining a corpse displayed in the most grotesque way… Orin’s mother. Lae'zel, on the other hand, is cleaning and sharpening her sword.
Gale is searching the desk while Jaheira is looking through the bookshelves. Minthara is cursing and kicking things around, all the trinkets she suspects belonged to Orin. I can’t blame her.
But Astarion and Minsc are staying beside me as I stare at the corpses around us. After what happened, the vampire spawn refuses to leave my side for more than a few seconds. Even if he tries to not show it, I can tell he is worried.
“Darling, we can come back later. You need to rest.” I know that voice, the genuine, almost vulnerable one. I take his hand.
“I have to be here, I have to see, Astarion. And I need to do it now.”
He squeezes my fingers, his eyes constantly on my face.
“Bhaalspawns! They are always much stronger than they look.“ Minsc interferes, his hand finding my shoulder. “And Boo says you’re the strongest.”
I give him a smile, never letting go of Astarion’s hand.
Suddenly, Gale’s voice echoes behind me: “is that... my name?”. His voice is dripping with confusion and wariness.
“What?” I hurry beside the wizard, followed by Astarion and Minsc, my heartbeats quickening dramatically.
“On that list.”
Gale is staring at a piece of parchment over the desk. Before I can take look at it, he turns around and reads the inscriptions out loud:
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“PRIORITY TARGETS:
- GALE DEKARIOS – Chosen of Mystra.
- HIGH HARPER JAHEIRA – Enemy of Sarevok, threat to the Cult.
- MINSC OF RASHEMEN - Enemy of Sarevok, threat to the Cult.
- ASTARION – Vampire spawn from the Szarr Palace. Pale elf with silver hair. (DO NOT TADPOLE – I HAVE OTHER PLANS FOR HIM)
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The document is signed with your name, Ellith.” The wizard’s voice is stern, resentful.
In a split second, the whole room collapses around me, the floor is crumbling beneath my feet. I stagger.
“I… I didn’t… I couldn’t...”
“You did!” Gale insists, shoving the document into my face. “You CHOSE us. You condemned us.”
My mind is spiralling in a thousand directions, and I found myself unusually speechless. “I can’t remember…”
That’s when I realize Astarion has let go of my hand. The expression on his face is a mix of distress and confusion. And even worse: he is perfectly silent.
“I do not care if you can remember it or not!” The wizard cries out, “You did it! You ordered the cult to abduct me! To put that cursed tadpole in my brain!”
I have no answer to offer. A huge, painful wave of guilt washes over my heart. My hands begin to shake. And yet, even now, there is a part of me who would still laugh at the irony of it all.
Resisting the influence of my father saved me, but it cannot change my past, or totally change who I am. And I am still that sarcastic, sometimes cruel and selfish creature, with nothing to hold on except my own self-control. Must I still be afraid of the person I used to be, the person I can still be?
They are all staring at me, expecting an answer which doesn’t come.
“Minsc doesn’t understand… you saved Minsc from what you did to Minsc?” The ranger asks in sheer puzzlement, taking a few steps away from me, before focusing on the hamster again. Boo seems to have a lot to say about it, but I don’t even try to decipher what he’s saying.
I am the enemy I feared I was. And it's clear now that I don’t deserve the trust they gave me.
“The ambush….” Jaheira frowns, crossing her arms defiantly over her chest. “It was your idea.”
She scoffs bitterly, and I know something just broke in our friendship. Something that cannot be fixed.
Their eyes are watching me, judging me, resenting me. I am losing them. My courage, my bravado, my self-confidence, everything crumbles in that very moment. It’s even worse than the day I told them I was a Bhaalspawn. As if they were finally understanding what it really means to befriend someone like me.
“I – I’m sorry…” I stutter before taking a few steps backward. “I can't….”
And with that, I run away from the chamber, running away from my past, from my heritage, from my own deeds. There is nowhere I can go, no way to escape who I was - who I am - but I don’t stop running. I run until my lungs hurt and the shadows swallow me.